No issue today.

Mostly because I just realized I forgot to set it up to go out last night and it’s not quite finished.

I can’t reach it from my government computer.

My apologies.

Cheers

Impish

Good Morning Campers,

Welcome to Monday.  What a great weekend it was!  Well, I’m predicting since it’s currently Saturday morning, but I’ve already gone to Men’s Breakfast, which was awesome this month!  Had a great phone call with the Whelpling last night that really touched my heart.  And have gotten some really good messages and comments from you guys that we’ll share some with throughout this issue.

Now, on the bad news front, Papa Dragon Most Senior, my Dad, and his dear wife, are both very, very sick.  They both have a viral infection.  Dad is much sicker and not doing well.  I’m quite worried and am asking all you guys to add them both to your prayers please.  Thank you in advance for that.

So, with that, what do you say we get this thing started and we’ll play more as we go along?

So, are you wondering what that is a picture of?  Well, it is a picture of five (5) megabytes of memory on punch cards.  That’s five … mega … bytes.  That’s like a handful of typewritten pages.

So, let’s move on to our first message

Cornelious,  I can’t help but sense a bit of sarcasm in your missive.  I just don’t think you really want anyone to ban your gas stove … or your trains for that matter.  I don’t know what it is … call it a weird feeling, or a strong vibe, but I just don’t think your serious.  But, I do thank you for writing.

Seriously, Cornelious, don’t give them any ideas.  That will be the stupid democrats next brilliant idea, to ban trains.

Cheers, Impish Dragon

Wow!  That is one brave lady!  Good for her!

And next, we have another message.  This one from …

I really like that shirt!

And now another comment, which I also like!  

So, Steve, I can see we think alike.  Yup, the Atomic Mass of Uranium was wrong.  

For those of you who didn’t get that one…and yeah, for number 3, I sent those percentages off to a bunch of people who REALLY needed to see them.  I don’t think it will quiet any of them down but they still needed to see them!!  Thanks for writing Steve!

“That silly Impish Dragon is following me, I know he is…”

Now this one…

Yup.  I got that one, too, SLC.  But, I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt that she was JUST a crappy mother.  Not a conniving uncaring troll AND a crappy mother.  

Makes me wonder where, “around here” is.  Would be really convenient.  I’ll bet you enjoyed the story of the rapist who had his name in his pants.

And I quite enjoyed this one from John as well…

I didn’t know that about Nugent.  And I agree with you about the rest.  There are far too many who are happy to send us to war, watch us fight and die, but are unwilling or unable to do so themselves.  I don’t mind the unable THAT much if they TRULY are unable, but if they are just afraid, and can’t get over it like the rest of us did, then there should be something else they can do to serve their country that is just as hard or harder.  I tend to agree with Robert Heinlein in Starship Troopers when he postulated that only through government service could you attain citizenship and therefore stuff like voting.  Somehow I think we might have a much better result in office if it was only veterans who could vote.

Wow!  I just had a picture of Heaven flash through my mind at the thought…okay, moving on…

Leah and everyone else.  For some reason, those of you who have been reading Dragon Laffs in your email instead of going to the website at dragonlaffs.com, have been occasionally NOT been receiving your issues of Dragon Laffs in your inbox as expected.  I have no idea why this is happening.  It is nothing that you or I have done.  It is nothing that word press has done.  It is nothing that your email provider has done because it is happening to different providers.  There is nothing we can do that we’ve found to fix the issue, it tends to go away on its own.  The best I can tell you is this.  Other than the rare occasion when I screw up and send the issue out early or something incredibly drastic happens and I don’t warn you ahead of time, the issues go out at 0200 hrs on Monday, Thursday, and Saturday every week.  So, if you wake up on one of those days and don’t have an issue, go to http://dragonlaffs.com and check for an issue there.  If there isn’t an issue there, then you can worry if I’m alright.  If there IS an issue there, then wait for your email to fix itself.  That’s all the information I have for you.  Sorry.

The SR-71 still holds the air speed record.

Teaching Math in Public Schools

So, this next bunch is from Joe in NJ.  I found them quite interesting…this is what Joe had to say:

Impish, No idea if these are true but they’re interesting. …Joe in NJ

_______________ Day Brightener – A Bit Of Historical Knowledge For You Related To Old Sayings

       Early aircraft throttles had a ball on the end of it, in order to go full throttle the pilot had to push the throttle all the way forward into the wall of the instrument panel. Hence “balls to the wall” for going very fast. And now you know the rest of the story.

Did you know the saying “God willing and the creek don’t rise” was in reference to the Creek Indians and not a body of water? It was written by Benjamin Hawkins in the late 18th century. He was a politician and Indian diplomat. While in the south, Hawkins was requested by the President of the U.S. to return to Washington In his response, he was said to write, “God willing and the Creek don’t rise.” Because he capitalized the word “Creek”, he was referring to the Creek Indian tribe and not a body of water.

******************************

In George Washington’s days, there were no cameras. One’s image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are ‘limbs,’ therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, ‘Okay, but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg.’ (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint.)

As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October). Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn’t wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term ‘big wig’. Today we often use the term ‘here comes the Big Wig’ because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

******************************

In the late 1700’s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The ‘head of the household’ always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the ‘chair man.’ Today in business, we use the expression or title ‘Chairman’ or ‘Chairman of the Board.’

Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee’s wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman’s face she was told, ‘mind your own bee’s wax.’ Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term ‘crack a smile’. In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt. Therefore, the expression ‘losing face.’

******************************

Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in ‘straight laced’ wore a tightly tied lace.

******************************

Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the ‘Ace of Spades.’ To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren’t ‘playing with a full deck.’

Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV’s or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to ‘go sip some Ale and listen to people’s conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. ‘You go sip here’ and ‘You go sip there.’ The two words ‘go sip’ were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term ‘gossip.’

******************************

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid’s job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in ‘pints’ and who was drinking in ‘quarts,’ hence the phrase ‘minding your ‘P’s and Q’s’.

*****************************

One more: bet you didn’t know this! In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem…. how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a ‘Monkey’ with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make ‘Brass Monkeys.’ Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts greater and much faster than iron when it’s chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would roll right off the monkey; Thus, it was quite literally, ‘Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.’

And that is it for today my friends.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

It’s Saturday and I’ve just spent the last day running around like a maniac and not getting much done.  Just running and humping to someone else’s tune.  And it feels like I’ve wasted an entire day.  I REALLY need some laughing, so let’s get the fun stuff going and maybe we’ll get to something serious later…

This is an old joke that I heard many years ago, that apparently is making it’s way around the planet again…I used to love telling this one to my State Troopers when I was dispatching.

Rectum Stretcher

A woman was speeding down a highway in her car. While driving she passes a cop with a radar gun waiting patiently. 

The policeman chases after her. 

The cop pulled her over and asked, “Where is the emergency?”

She answers, “I’m late for work!”

‘Oh yeah,’ said the cop, ‘what do you do?’ 

‘I’m a rectum stretcher,’ she replies. 

The policeman asks, “And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”

‘Well,’ she said, ‘I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it’s about 6 feet wide.’ 

“And just what do you do with a 6 foot butthole?” he asked.

“You give him a radar gun and put him on the highway”

Mom of NYC teen killed subway surfing plans to sue MTA

The mother of a 15-year-old Manhattan boy killed “subway surfing” on the Williamsburg Bridge plans to sue the MTA for failing to block off empty parts of the train used for the daredevil stunt, she told The Post.

Norma Nazario of Alphabet City said she reviewed footage on her late son Zackery’s phone and that it showed nothing prevented him from climbing onto the roof of the J train, where he eventually hit his head and died Monday.

“[The videos] show he has easy access. No alarms, no security, no cameras, no anything!” Nazario said ahead of her son’s wake Thursday evening.  

“He was able to access anything in the trains, the empty cabins, the train stations, nobody [was]  looking. I was so surprised.”

The grieving mother said transportation honchos have known for a decade that thrill-seeking teens ride on the outside of trains — but have made no apparent effort to restrict access to those areas.

There’s more to the article here: https://nypost.com/2023/03/03/mom-of-nyc-teen-killed-subway-surfing-plans-to-sue-mta/  If you’re interested.  But, you’ve got enough to get the gest of it with what I copied.  My point…What you’re saying is your son was breaking the law and got killed while doing so and doing a very dangerous act, so you are going to sue the subway people because they didn’t stop him.  That makes perfect sense for an entitled moron.  

We expect our kids to do stupid things, but it’s up to us as PARENTS to STOP them, to TEACH them, and to WATCH them so they don’t do STUPID things.  NOT to sue the people where our kids do stupid things and end up killing themselves.  We act like the grownups that we are and accept the responsibility for not STOPPING them, not TEACHING them, and not WATCHING them. 

If you can’t tell, that’s a boulder that just rolled right through her house.

If your wife is on a scale and says: “I’ve lost a few pounds”!

NEVER tell her: “Turn around, I think I found them”!

“Paladin, you gotta come up for air sometime…”

Stephanie sent us this one: 

My goal is to be that old person that everyone is afraid to take out in public.

Then Stephanie tells us, she’s already there!

The only bad thing about my six-figure salary is the decimal point.

♪♫”Let the Sunshine, Let the Sunshine In…”♫♪

Cinderella removed just one shoe and found true love and you all out there naked on the internet and still single.

I almost cut off my finger while preparing a salad and all I could think was, this would’ve NEVER happened with brownies.

Okay, so this is really good magic.  You really need to click on this link: https://www.facebook.com/reel/623470722680445?sfnsn=mo&s=F5x8gs&fs=e

What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? 

A red headed bitch with a yeast infection. 

This is an old joke sent in by our own Joe from NJ.  This is a true classic!  Love this one.  Thanks Joe!

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech making.

“I have and idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.”

Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.”

“Don’t call me son,” I said.  “You’re not my dad.”

He scratched his head.  “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”

Why don’t the 99% of us who aren’t offended by everything quit catering to the 1% who are?!

When the truth comes out, do not ask me how I knew.
Ask yourself why you didn’t.

To me, “Drink Responsibly” means don’t spill it.

I found this VERY interesting.  Something I thought was true the whole time and now one of our fellow campers has put it into words.

I looked some of these up, pretty accurate Ever watched TV news or a talk show and been concerned with how much the country has changed? A recent poll conducted by a national polling firm, “YouGov” questioned typical people on the street. The averaged answers are listed below.

What percentage of the country is black? Answers 41%… Actual 12%. If you watch commercials, you will think it is 90%.

What percentage of marriages are mixed race? Answer 50%…Actual 1%. If you watch commercials, you will think it is 90%.

What percentage is “Latino”? Answers 39%… Actual numbers 17%.

How many families make over $500,000 a year? Answers 26%… Actual figure 1%. We think a quarter of the country is rich.

What percent of Americans are vegetarians? Response? 30%… Actual 5%.

What percent of Americans live in NY city? Answers? 30%… Actual 3%.

What percentage of Americans are ‘transgender? 22%… Actual number 1%

What percentage of your fellow citizens are Gay? Result? 30%… Actual 3%.

So why do people have such inaccurate thoughts on these counts? THE MEDIA! The media run race, gender, and wealth stories constantly. Result? We are being brainwashed by the media. Hitler’s propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels would be proud if he had half this success.

Disney just went full-on “gender” . They will no longer welcome guests with the traditional “Welcome ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls” Why? Because 1% of the population dictates to the other 99% (that would be the vast majority) and corporate America falls for it.

Regardless of what you think, less than 20% of Americans use “Twitter” yet Twitter controls 80% of public opinion. Why? The media.

Next time you are thinking Americans have changed and not in a good way, remember, it’s fake. Most people think just like you do, but the media has brainwashed Americans with their constantly misleading WOKE broadcasts.

I KNEW IT!!

This is incredible!!!!!

Umm…yeah, okay.

And tonight, is that most hated night of the year…Daylight Saving Time.  The night where we lose an hour of sleep.  Sunday morning, (Saturday night) at 0100 hrs. it magically becomes 0200 hrs. and we all just lose an hour’s sleep.  Well, here’s some memes to help you remember on your way out and I’ll say may God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

I’d like to make an observation.  An awful lot of you either have a very short memory or you don’t read the part of Dragon Laffs that I write and just look at the memes and the cartoons.  I suppose it’s okay to skip over the parts you aren’t interested in and just get to the parts that you are, but due to the amount of inquiries I’ve received over the last couple of days wondering if I’m alright and what’s happened to me, it just makes me wonder how many of you read the part in the last episode that I DID publish that said that I probably wasn’t going to publish an issue on Saturday and Monday due to the big exercise and the 12 to 16 hour shifts that I was going to be working on Thursday through Sunday?

It also does explain why no one has found the buried treasure that I’ve been leaving clues and hints to over the last 15 or so issues.  Well, it’s probably too far out to sea now for anyone to find, so it’s a bit of a moot point at this juncture … but all that dragon’s gold would’ve been nice for someone.

Anyway, since the cartoons and the memes are what you all are interested in, let’s get to it and I’ll try … TRY to keep the commentary and opinions to myself. 

Yeah, I know, like that’s gonna happen.  No gentle campers, YOU ARE STUCK WITH ME JUST THE WAY I AM!

Oh, and the whole treasure thing…nah, not so much.  But, I’ll bet there were a few of you who were going through the back issues, looking for those clues cause YOU WERE GUILTY OF NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO ALL THE DETAILS, NOW WEREN’T YOU!?  Uh huh.  I knew it!

I’m gonna have to start throwing some tests in here every now and then just to see who’s paying attention.

Alright, enough is enough already…

I’ve got a couple of those around the house.

That is AWESOME!!!  True or not, that will DEFINITELY keep people from taking someone else’s food out of the fridge!

I’ve actually seen a very similar sign at a FOB in Germany.  Oh, FOB is Forward Operating Base.  Helicopters – German ones – used to come slamming into the ground really fast and slide across the grass and they didn’t care if there were American military guys in the way or not.  There were very similar signs in the area where they practiced this maneuver.  This was before cell phones because I really WISH I HAD video of this because it was hilarious and awesome!!

A blonde took her dog to the vet for its annual check-up. 

“Your dog is overweight,” the vet said. “You should cut back on his food a little and make sure he gets some exercise. Try playing fetch with him.” 

“That’s impossible,” the blonde replied. “I can’t play fetch with my dog.” 

“Why not?” asked the puzzled vet. 

“Because,” the blonde said, “he can’t throw.” 

Umm…

Well, that’s awfully nice of them.  Around these parts, we don’t notify anyone.  We just throw the parts to the hogs and they don’t leave anything worth notifying anyone about.  Neither does dragon’s breath.

The Parachute Paradigm 

You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react? 

Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway. 

Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before. 

Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute. 

Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions. 

Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline. 

Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment. 

Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too. 

Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings. 

Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss. 

Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked. 

Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases. 

Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists. 

English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions. 

Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could. 

Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute. 

Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of. 

Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute. 

Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it. 

Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable. 

Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash. 

Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.

Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health. 

Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown that jumping out of a plane is NOT harmful to your health. 

Specialization is for insects.  – Robert Heinlein

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy 

1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that. 

2. Ahh, it’s cute. 

3. Who circumcised you? 

4. Why don’t we just cuddle? 

5. You know they have surgery to fix that. 

6. It’s more fun to look at. 

7. Make it dance. 

8. You know, there’s a tower in Italy like that. 

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 

10. It looks like a night crawler. 

11. Wow, and your feet are so big. 

12. My last boyfriend was 4” bigger. 

13. It’s ok, we’ll work around it. 

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? 

15. Eww, there’s an inch worm on your thigh. 

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 

17. Oh no, a flash headache. 

18. (giggle and point) 

19. Can I be honest with you? 

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 

21. Let me go get my tweezers. 

22. How sweet, you brought incense. 

23. This explains your car. 

24. You must be a growing boy. 

25. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow. 

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick. 

27. Are you one of those pygmies? 

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? 

29. Every heard of clearasil? 

30. All right, a treasure hunt! 

31. I didn’t know they came that small. 

32. Why is God punishing you? 

33. At least this won’t take long. 

34. I never saw one like that before. 

35. What do you call this? 

36. But it still works, right? 

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting. 

38. It looks so unused. 

39. Do you take steroids? 

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it. 

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 

42. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes? 

43. Oh, I didn’t know you were in an accident. 

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? 

45. Aww, it’s hiding. 

46. Are you cold? 

47. If you get me real drunk first. 

48. Is that an optical illusion? 

49. What is that? 

50. I’ll go get the ketchup for your french fry. 

51. Were you neutered? 

52. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents. 

53. Does it come with an air pump? 

54. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality. 

55. Where are the puppet strings? 

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes. 

58. Never mind, why bother. 

59. Is that a second belly button? 

60. Where’s the rest of it? 

At some point in time, penguins must have been a problem.

That’s awfully specific.  Where are you going to find an elderly disabled pregnant child?

As I’ve said before, “I read books, I drink coffee, and I know things.”

A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew. 

The brunette’s word was quizzical. 

The redhead’s word was photosynthesis. 

The blonde’s word was dick. 

The absolute definition of irony

PARENTHOOD

“No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.” —@LHLodder 

“88% of parenting is saying ‘it’s bedtime’ 150 times between 8:00 and 9:00 every night.” —@SardonikTart

“Parenthood is a journey except it’s just traveling from room to room putting away the same toys all day long.” —@OneFunnyMummy

“Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.” —@yoyoha

“You know you’re a parent when you’ve washed yourself with baby wipes to save time in the morning.” —Anonymous

“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’” —Dana Snow

“Driving around at 3am with soft music on the radio isn’t normal, but as a parent it is.” —@Batman1285

“My favorite part of parenting is after I drop my kids off at school. I’m kidding. It’s after they go to bed.” —@CallMeDraper

“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” —Ray Romano

“Motherhood is an extreme sport. That’s why we have to wear workout clothes everyday.” —Anonymous

“5 year old’s say the cutest things like ‘I love you’ and ‘hey mom when you just took your pants off everything was all jiggly and wiggly.’” —@DisCourt

“Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.” —@ThisOneSayz

“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lay down again.” —Betsy Farrell

“Hell hath no fury like a toddler who’s sandwich has been cut into squares when they wanted triangles.” —Anonymous 

“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.” —Nia Vardolas

“According to my kid, the perfect amount of time to stay at the park is five more minutes.” —@RockabillyJay

“I didn’t realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo. That’s still a very low number of rodeos.” —@SimonCHolland

“No one is more passionate about their kids back to school opinion than my friends who don’t have kids.” —@CydBeer

“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” —Jerry Seinfeld

“Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese.” —@mommy_cusses

“When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is ‘Please forget.’” —@SarcasticMommy4

“My kid is turning out just like me. Well played, karma. Well-played.” —Anonymous

“I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.” —@LHLodder

“I’d love to be a Pinterest mom. But it turns out I’m more of an Amazon Prime mom.” —Anonymous

“It’s like no one in my family appreciates that I stayed up all night overthinking for them.” —Anonymous

“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.” —Paul Reiser

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.” —Phyllis Diller

“Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is: Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?” —@RobFee

“Having one child makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee.” —David Frost 

“The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate.” —@BrianGaar

“Can’t find your kids? Don’t worry; sit on the toilet. They’ll find you.” —@MamaJessieC

“You can be a mess and still be a good mom. We are allowed to be both.” —@KatieBinghamSmith

“Just because I’m a mom doesn’t mean I’m not spontaneous anymore. Will I get out of these pajama pants today? Maybe… maybe NOT. You just don’t know.” —@DivergentMama

“The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.” —Lane Olinghouse

“When a kid asks a sibling to play a game of tag, they’re basically asking if their sibling wants to take a jog that ends in a fight.” —@ParentNormal

“Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE!” —@LooksLikeTutTut

“Before I had kids, I didn’t know I could ruin someone’s day by saying, ‘Get dressed, please.’ —@SarcaticMommy4

“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip her jacket by herself.” —@ksujulie

“The easiest way to shop with kids is not to.” —@relaxingmommy

He looks tired…

One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball.

“I come bearing bells, M’Lord.”

Teacher to a third grade student: “Billy, if both of your parents were born in 1967, how old are they now?”

Billy: “It depends.”

Teacher: “It depends on what?”

Billy: “It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother.”

My friend asked his father-in-law, a crop duster, how his day had gone.

“It was the worst day of my life,” replied the man.

“This morning I was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a power line and damaged the wing on the plane.

“When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the FAA chewed me out.

“On my way home, I stopped at a bar and was handed a warm beer. So I yelled at the bartender, ‘Don’t you have any cold beer?!’

“The bartender said, ‘Sorry, but we’ve been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down the road.'”

Two women, passing through the fragrance department of a big department store, were offered samples of new perfumes.

One woman commented that her sample was much too strong.

The clerk replied, “Oh, it’ll be much softer once the alcohol wears off.”

“See!” chided her friend. “I told you not to have that second drink!”

A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, met this over-zealous evangelist. 

After listening politely for over a half-hour on how thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he should repent at once, he was asked if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes during the heart attack. 

The patient responded, “Don’t be ridiculous, the attack lasted only 6 hours!” 

Suzi was painting a room in her house. After climbing down the ladder numerous times to answer the door when neighbourhood children stopped by, she told her daughter to make a sign asking her playmates not to ring the bell.

Several hours later, the room painting completed, Suzi went to take the sign down. To her embarrassment, she found that her daughter had written: “Do Not Ring the Doorbell. My Mother Is Busy Panting in the Bedroom.”

One day a gentleman was pushing his grocery cart down an aisle and coming to a corner met another cart about to turn into the aisle he was exiting. The carts met with quite a clash and the woman pushing the other cart became extremely hostile. She began screaming at the guy that he should pay more attention to where he was going and said he could have injured her two sons riding in her cart. No matter how apologetic he was, the woman continued to berate him. Although the collision was no more his fault than hers, he pleaded forgiveness but the woman just wouldn’t leave it alone. She continued to speak to him in a very rude manner using words that would make a sailor blush. Finally, the man said once again he was sorry and hoped her twins were ok. This sent her into an even more hostile mode yelling at him how could he possibly think her sons were twins? She asked why on earth could he could be so blind that he couldn’t see there was at least two years difference in their ages! Well, the man said, ” I didn’t think anyone would sleep with you twice”!

Some of our veterans, who have literally given almost everything for this country, are sleeping on the street!

If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties?

How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

British Law In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store

The local bookstore had this huge display with a sign saying, “Newly Translated From the Original French: 37 Mating Positions.”

The book was already wrapped in plain brown wrapper and I just had to buy one.

Once safely at home, I opened it and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about . . . chess.

A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks.

As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says, “What’s this?”

She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”

He turns beat red in horror and goes, “Geez, oh..I…”

She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”

I began thinking about my own mortality after I became a widower. 

One day my daughter called home from college, and I announced to her, “I think it’s time for us to talk about where I would like to be buried.” 

“It’s way too soon to even think of anything like that,” she snapped indignantly. Then there was a brief silence. 

“Wait a minute, did you say married or buried?” 

When I repeated buried, she said, “Oh, okay, sure.” 

It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. 

When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. 

The boy asked what they were for. “People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by,” his older brother explained. 

“Wouldn’t you know it,” the boy fumed. “The one Sunday I don’t go and He showed up!” 

For many reasons.

And that’s it for today.  A nice extended edition for your reading pleasure.  I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.  So, from here I move on to Saturday’s edition and you guys … wait.  Sorry about that.  In the mean time, may God bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

Good Morning Campers,

Have you noticed, on this Thursday morning, that a bunch of the headers lately have been unusual type pictures with me in the picture somewhere?  All of those pictures were jigsaw puzzles that I did while bored or waiting.  It seemed a shame to not do something with the pictures.  Just thought I’d say.  Anyway…

This may be the last issue this week.  Got a big, BIG exercise this weekend.  Working like killer hours.  Maybe 12 to 14 hour shifts or longer.  I’ve got classes to teach and inspections to conduct.  I’m going to be one busy dragon.  I can hardly wait.  Did you detect the sarcasm in my voice?

Sooooo…..

Anyway, you now know what’s going on this weekend.  Now, let’s get going with the fun stuff.

If a woman is chugging chocolate chips straight out of the bag in the baking aisle at the grocery store, I suggest you just let her be.

Bumped into a mannequin and said, “Sorry.”  And then said, “Oh, I thought you were a person.”  Then I realized I was still talking to a mannequin.

This.  I’m this level of awkward.

I just accidentally put a laundry basket down on the Lego ship that my 7 year-old spent all day building.  I brought it to him and said, “Buddy, I broke your ship; I didn’t see it and I sat something on it.  I’m so sorry.”

His eyes widened in shock and he said, “Oh man, that took me a really long time to build.  I just finished it!”

After a moment, I softly asked, “Are you mad?”

His response brought me to tears.

He took a deep breath and said, “I want to be mad, but yesterday when I broke your favorite plate, you didn’t get mad at me.  You said it was just a plate and you didn’t make me feel bad.  I know you liked that plate as much as I liked this ship.

It’s okay, mom.  I can rebuild it.”

My heart is melting.

You know, I just realized that I can tell my kids all day long what kind of people I hope they will be.  I can ask them to be loving and kind, but in the end, they will be what I’ve shown them to be not what I told them to be.

Last year, we opened our Incan branch of Dragon Laffs, Inc.  Aptly named Dragon Laffs-Inca, Inc. And we installed a mechanical Quetzalcoatl as CEO.  He managed to stand up for about 9 months and then was overthrown by some ancient Aztec Indians that, having foreseen this in a past magical seeing spell, came forward in time through a portal specifically to defeat their ancient foe.  When they came forward in time and found out that their enemy was a mechanical creation instead of a living, breathing god, they were so disappointed they tore him into tiny pieces, picked up pizza, beer, backgammon boards, and returned to their own time frame.

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.  However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

“I don’t know,” he said.  “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

The only one I’m not sure about is the Cofee Brick.  The other two choices sound great!

The Masochist says: BEAT ME!

The Sadist says:  “No.”

The greatest minds are capable of the greatest vices as well as of the greatest virtues.

– Rene Descartes (1596 – 1650)

“Peek-a-Boo!”

I’m not going to call it anything but a Mimsy from here on out.  That’s so much better than “your flaps”.  And any man who says, “you stink like a kipper” has only moments to live.  Mimsy…that’s adorable.  

I arrived early to the restaurant and the manager said, “Do you mind waiting a bit?”
I said, “No.”
“Good,” he said.  “Take these drinks to table nine.”

An older woman’s voice was heard in the darkened theater, “Please, is there a doctor in the house?” 

Several men stood up as the lights came on. 

The older lady pulled her daughter to her feet and said, “Are any of you doctors interested in a date with a nice, single, Jewish girl?” 

Umm…?

And here’s an oldie and it’s a math joke…so, you gotta love that, right?  Thanks Joe for sending this one along.

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn’t there if he can buy her a drink. The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine’s Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, “I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?” 

The mathematician replies, “Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there.” 

The bartender raises his eyebrows. “Really? Interesting. But couldn’t you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know –she might say yes.” 

The mathematician laughs. 
“Yeah, right — how likely is THAT to happen?” 

A married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach for his corporation. After a few days, he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation. 

Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend, “Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress.” 

His friend was quick to wire back, “Your wife and I are arriving tomorrow at 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?” 

If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in the war between Good and Evil, your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.

Wow.  The advertisers really didn’t think much of women, did they?

Out of all the Martial Arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.

Another of my baby pictures.

The love of liberty is the love of others; the love of power is the love of ourselves. 

— William Hazlitt (1778 – 1830) 

I hope, when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

Everything happens for a reason.  Sometimes the reason is you’re stupid and make bad decisions.

Here’s a little something extra…

I REALLY want to know how this happened.  I mean, the lid is in the ceiling, for crying out loud!

That one looks pretty exciting, too.

What the heck is that?!

I don’t care what the directions say, ALWAYS use a pan!

I knew I forgot something!  Didn’t the smell or the smoke give it away?  Or the smoke alarm?

Okay, so normally this issue would be way over by now, but since we probably won’t have a Saturday issue and maybe not even a Monday issue because of my crappy upcoming exercise this weekend, we might as well push this one a little further and find out how Calvin’s leaf collection works out, don’t you think?

Wow!  Calvin could so be the Whelpling.  I swear.  Did I ever tell you guys how I had poison control calling and checking up on him?  True story.
Anyway, time to call it an issue.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.