It’s Memorial Day.  We don’t say, “Happy Memorial Day”.  Take a look at the picture above and you can understand why we don’t say, “Happy Memorial Day”.  It’s not a day for picnics and hot dogs and mattress sales.  It’s a day to reflect on the sacrifice that so many men and women gave in service to this country.

Would the men and women who gave up their lives for this country look around and say that it was worth it?  Another way of looking at that question is to ask ourselves, ARE WE WORTHY OF THE SACRIFICE THAT THEY ALL MADE FOR US?  Can we ask them?  Was it worth it then?  Is it worth it now?  IS AMERICA WORTHY?  Men and women of the United States military, is America still worth dying for?

I was listening to Joey Jones on Fox News tonight.  He lost both of his legs to an IED.  So that makes him a retired Marine Staff Sgt.  Medically retired.  He came up with a great response to people who say to him, “Thank you for your service.”  Which is a great thing, because I never know what to say back.  He say, “Thank you for being worth serving.”  He says it’s a win/win.  Because one, if they are worthy of being served, you know, one of the good guys and you just got to thank them for that.  What a blessing that is! And you just made them feel good.  Or B, they aren’t worth it, but you said it anyway and now they have to go home and think about what you just said.  Because they know.  And it’s gonna prey on them.

Memorial Day. 

A time to remember.

You can thank a Vet today if you want to, that’s never out of line, but that’s not what today is for.  Today is for remembering. 

I’ll throw some laughter in here too.  It wouldn’t be Dragon Laffs without that, but I’m also feeling nostalgic.  So, there will be a bit of that, too.

This next one, starting from here, and the words that come after, are from Friggin’ Pete and are duplicated in the exact way he sent them to me.  Thank you Pete.

I always like to pop this next one in, just so everyone knows the difference.  Although we hardly do anything for Armed Forces Day, I just looked it up and it just passed.  It was last Saturday, May 20th.  A week ago.  Nothing said on base, nothing said on Dragon Laffs.  What a shame. 

Now, there’s a question…are we ashamed of our current Armed Forces?  Maybe because of our current commander in chief?  Maybe because our own Navy is using a drag queen for recruiting?  Those two are enough to embarrass the crap out of me! 

But, this is neither the time nor the place for that discussion.  Today is Memorial Day, and let’s remember what that means.

To my brothers and sisters in uniform, whether it be the military, police, medical, whatever, all of those who have given their lives in service by running towards the sound of gunfire and violence to defend the defenseless, to protect and serve; And to their families who have lost their mothers and fathers, their sons and daughters, their brothers and sisters, their husbands and wives; this day is yours.  It is not enough.  It is no where NEAR enough.  Jesus tells us that “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.”  You have done this for us.  We can’t thank you enough, nor your families.  No, one day is not enough.  And I’ll ask the question again at the end, like I asked at the beginning, maybe a little different this time…

ARE WE LIVING A LIFE WORTHY OF BEING SACRIFICED FOR?

That’s it, that’s my Memorial Day Issue.  Normally I’ll intersperse the holiday stuff with the regular stuff, but for some reason this time I felt like it was important enough for it to stand alone.  So, what I want you all to do right now is go, take an hour off, think about what we just talked about; Contemplate everything we discussed so far this morning; Ponder your own worthiness for an hour and then you can come back and we’ll have a regular issue for a little while and share some laffs.  How does that sound?  Go on.  Go grab a coffee and do some thinking.  I’ll wait.

No cheating! 

You know that hasn’t been an hour yet!

Go on.

While you you guys are doing that, I’ll change out the lighting, put up some more new wallpaper, change the seating around a little bit, do a little housekeeping, and …

When your child says, “Daddy, I want Mommy.”  That’s the kid version of, “I’d like to speak to your supervisor.”

If exercising releases dopamine, and the release of dopamine is why we get addicted to things, why do I hate exercising rather than getting addicted to it?

Fact of the Day:

What is Deipnophobia? 

Deipnophobia is the fear of dining in public.  The anxiety can be related to the dining itself or it can be caused by the fear of having to participate in dinner conversations.

♪♫”Get your motor running”♫♪

Okay, so yes I did and yes it does.

It’s almost summer, and I’m proud to say that my body is beach ready. 

Normandy beach.

This dragon thinks this is a marvelous idea!!!

Spiderman’s Jacket — Did you know that Spiderman has a winter jacket made entirely of Mediterranean flat bread? 

It’s a Pita Parka.

A guy just tried to MANSPLAIN to me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse, thanks!

Oh My Gosh!!!  What in the world!  

“Head out on the highway?”

So, the same crowd as last time, huh?

Do not accept a friend request from Leroy Brown.  He’s the baddest man in the whole damn town.

I don’t understand why Gyms have mirrors.  I know what I look like.  That’s why I’m here!

If she’s funny that’s a red flag bro! 

Mentally stable girls aren’t funny.

And each and everyone of those son-of-a-guns is messed up, full of arthritis, misaligned, and hurting like hell!

Or a politician…

Apparently this guy at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leapfrog.  My bad, dude, my bad.

I was contacted by an obvious scammer the other day. 

They asked for $160 and I went along with it.

I got their Cashapp and sent them 1 dollar instead of $160, lulling them into a false belief that they are smart and I am dumb. 

They were all like, “lolol wrong amount but I got the dollar you sent, you can send me $159 and it will still be fine.”

So I typed in $159 on Cashapp then pressed “Request” instead of “Send”

Pretty sure they didn’t read it.  They definitely just clicked “accept” instead of “decline” and I proceeded to block the lowlife scammer, $159 richer.

I so truly hope that this is a true story!  That it was a scam and that it backfired on them just that way.

My friend got a degree in Egyptology, but can’t get a job.  So he’s paying more money to get a PhD, so he can work teaching other people Egyptology.  In his case college is literally a pyramid scheme.

That is such a weird picture.  Can’t tell if it’s photoshopped or what it is.

It amazes me that I still occasionally get complaints about my Political beliefs.  You know, I’ve been doing this for a LONG time, I complain about both sides…maybe not equally, but I do.  Put the republicans back in power and I’ll complain about them more, I promise.  But look up, just a little bit, what does the heading say?  Politically Incorrect.  So, what is it that you guys expect from me?  LOL!  What am I?  I’m American!  I’m a constitutionalist!  I believe in the Judeo – Christian Values that this country was founded on!  Okay, let me kick that soap box back under the counter.  Moving on…

A long time ago I learned not to explain things to people. 

It misleads them into thinking they’re entitled to know everything I do.

And the thing is, to them, that makes perfect sense.

Politicians are like sperm.  One in a million turn out to be an actual human being.

Amen and Amen.  It is YOUR responsibility to protect YOUR self and YOUR family.  

I’ve never seen the inside of my ears. 

But I’ve heard good things.

Let’s include some mail…or comments as it were:

Paddy sat in a pub wondering why he’s only got 3 brothers when his sister has 4.

This month I’m doing a challenge called “MAY”.  It’s where you try to get through every day of May.

And that is it my friends.  I hope you all have a great week.

It’s Thursday night and I hurried home from work today to jump on my lawnmower to get the jungle cut down…or…um…lawn mowed, so I could start my LONG FOUR-DAY WEEKEND!!! Four days off with nothing to … oh …

wait…

I’ve got appointments most of the day tomorrow, so can’t really count Friday as a day off, although it will be nice to not have to go into work and get to sleep in a little… oh …

wait…

The first appointment is first thing in the morning so I don’t get to sleep in?  Well, that’s okay, at least I’ll get a nice three-day weekend to sit back, relax, and … oh …

wait…

I’ve got to catch up on my shopping and I promised Izzy I’d take her to different stores in actually two different towns, one on one side of where we live and one on the other side of where we live and then I have a graduation party to go to for a friend’s daughter who is graduating high school.  Now, mind you, she is special to me and I’m very proud of her for going to Army basic training during the summer between her junior and senior year and now she is in the Army National Guard WHILE she is still in high school … BUT. 

Okay, so it’s a two-day weekend, with Church on Sunday and nothing scheduled for Monday (so far)…it’s more than I usually get, so I’m CALLING THIS ONE A WIN!!! 

So, let’s get Saturday’s issue put together so we can put some time into Monday’s Memorial Day episode. So, let’s do this!

Another really old one, but good one…Thanks Joe!

My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet, who found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Nora that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some “Immac” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.

Nora went to the chemist and bought some “Immac” hair remover. At the till, the pharmacist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”

Nora say’s, “I’m not using it under my arms.”

The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t shave for a couple of days.”

Nora replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”

The pharmacist say’s, “Oh well, in that case, stay off your bicycle for about a week.”

I’m going to tell you right now, before you guys start throwing things at me, that it was Lynn!  Lynn sent in all this really bad groaners and puns that you are about to read.  Yes, I know it was me that printed them, but it was Lynn, LYNN who sent them in.

The Roman emperor’s wife hates playing hide and seek because wherever she goes, Julius Caesar.

I like what mechanics wear, overall.

If you are being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.

I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta

I don’t know what you call a small spillage from a pen but I have an inkling.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.

I hate funerals — I’m not a mourning person.

I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite remarkable.

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester.

Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

The other day she tried to make a chemistry joke, but got no reaction.

It’s funny — England doesn’t have a kidney bank, but has a Liverpool.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

I’m not going to ask you again, WHERE THE HECK ARE MY GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!?!?

If an old dude ever gives you advice while peeling an apple with a pocket knife and eating pieces right off the blade, you should probably take it.

“Shhh!  I’m hiding!”

This one is just plain cool!!!

Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with a pigeon…No matter how good you are, the bird is going to crap on the board and strut around like it won anyway.

You never appreciate what you have till it’s gone.  Toilet paper is a good example.

What in the world is going on here?!  I have some SERIOUS questions!!

WHAT THE HELL???!!!!

Do you remember the Twilight Zone where the guy wakes up from the nightmare and he’s in the web of the giant spider?  Yeah, same thing.

You’re never too old to throw random stuff into people’s shopping carts when they aren’t looking.

When I grow up I want to be a retired Lottery Winner.

The highest-grossing film of all time is not “Avatar” or “Avengers: Endgame,” but a 1946 Soviet propaganda film called “The Great Citizen,” which is estimated to have sold over 425 million tickets.

The 1971 film “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” was financed by Quaker Oats as a way to promote a new candy bar, but the candy bar failed and the film became a cult classic.

The first-ever Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards, “Wings,” featured several actors who actually fought in  World War I, including a 21-year-old named Gary Cooper.

The world’s shortest feature film, “Fresh Guacamole,” is just 1 minute and 40 seconds long and was nominated for an Academy Award in 2013.  

The highest-paid actor of all time is Marlon Brando, who made $3.7 million for just 12 days of work on the film “Superman” in 1978.

DAD JOKE WARNING!!

I was racking up to play pool with my son, and he said, “Do you wanna break?”

“Why?”  I said, “We haven’t even started yet!”

!Breaking!

A new and more lethal OMICRON variant has been detected.
It’s called BS-24/7.
It attacks the truth and insults your intelligence.

I’m trying, sign.  I’m trying.

Okay, you say “Trans-gendered”
I say “Neutered“…same thing.

That’s five…

If you’re ever in a fist fight and you win, call them an ambulance.  Now, not only have you kicked their butt, they also have to pay $5k for an ambulance ride.

Inoculate your kids against socialism by having them clean the bathroom.  Pay them $10.  Then take away $7 and give it to their sibling who didn’t help.  Socialism won’t seem so attractive then!

In college we named our intramural softball team “NO GAME SCHEDULED” because if the other team didn’t show up they lost their league deposit and forfeited.  It worked several times.  Everyone hated us and nothing as cool as that has happened to me since.

Welcome to the rest of us Calvin’s Dad.

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

Well, yeah.  Everybody knows this.

Actually, that’s a pretty good dad joke.

And I know I’ve run this one before, but it is worth  running over and over again…

For all of you morons out there asking for “Father’s Day” and “Mother’s Day” to be changed to “Special Person’s Day” there is already a day just for you.

It’s the first of April and it’s called “April Fool’s Day!”

And with that crappy Dad Joke we’ll end it right here for the day. 

So, it’s Thursday and I’m starting this on Sunday, just to get this going.  I want to get some more laughter going.  I want to laugh.  It’s been a tough week and it hasn’t even started yet.  So, let’s laugh first and talk later, shall we?

Smart cars, smart TVs, smart phones…

When will they start making smart people?

When you’re at the checkout line and they ask you if you found everything, say, “Why, are you hiding stuff?”

Mind Games Dogs Play With Their Humans

After your humans give you a bath, DON’T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it’s right before your humans’ bedtime.

Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they’re talking about.

Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go ‘potty’, sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go potty will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

Make your own rules. Don’t always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don’t greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you.

When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning potty. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

Another one of the “drawings” done by the kids sent to me.  What they thought dinner time looks like for me.  Definitely not the right idea at all.

While sports fishing off Melbourne Beach, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any ‘gators around here?!”

“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”

“Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,

“How’d you get rid of the ‘gators?”

“We didn’t do nothin’,” the beach bum said. “The sharks got ’em.”

The waitress was tired of this one man always hitting on her, so she came up with a plan. 

“I’ll tell you what, Lover. I’ll have sex with you on two conditions. First, it’ll cost you 50 bucks. Second, you have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash.” 

He smiled, handed her $50 and led her over to the pinball machine. 

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

“Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of ill-repute, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her,and said, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.”

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman’s husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Keith.”

Balancing herself on a globe of air, the Witch of the North prepares her spell…

Questions asked on TV and Radio Shows in England

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE(BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for ‘cherrypickers’ and ‘cheesemongers’?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn’t my strong point.
Theakston: There’s a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don’t know.
White: I’ll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you’re not weak, you’re…?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct – and what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let’s try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don’t know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK(BBC2)
Anne Robinson: – Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: – Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruthfrom Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi’s first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant : I don’t know, I wasn’t watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The…?
Caller: Mohicans.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What’s 11 squared?
Contestant: I don’t know.
Phil: I’ll give you a clue. It’s two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . …
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?

LINCS FM P HONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I’m sorry, I don’t know the names of any countries in Spain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world’s largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM ( PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O’BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O’Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER-ER … Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle : I did say which European country, so in case you didn’t hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er …. Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM’S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It’s a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What ‘K’ could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:Er. .. .
Wood: It’s got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW(BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That’s close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus

Jim can’t get an erection so he goes to the doctor. 

The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there’s nothing he can do unless he’s willing to try an experimental surgery. 

Jim asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephant’s trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. 

Jim says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok. 

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Jim the go ahead to “try out his new equipment”. 
Jim takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner starts Jim starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. 

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants. 

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, “That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?” 

With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Jim says, Probably, but I don’t know if I can fit another apple up my ass.” 

Today, I went to the bank and told them I identify as a millionaire, and that I’d like to withdraw my money.

They laughed and asked me to leave.

Turns out — just because you believe something in your brain, doesn’t make it true, and you can’t force others to pretend it is.

Way cool!

What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be.

I DON’T HAVE TIME

IS THE GROWN UP VERSION OF THE DOG ATE MY HOMEWORK

Some of you are probably too young to remember this, but thanks to Joe from NJ for pointing this out…

Remember Mad Magazine? Al Jaffee, the creator of it, died last month at 102 years old.

Rest in peace dear friend.  I spent much of my youth in your magazine.

This should tell us something, but sadly, it won’t.

The founder of match.com, Gary Kremen, lost his girlfriend to a guy she met on match.com.

Two Irish men looking through a catalog.

Paddy says, “Look at those gorgeous women!  The prices are reasonable, too.”

Mick agrees!  “I am ordering one of them right now.”

Three weeks later, Paddy says, “Has your woman turned up yet?”

“No,” said Mick.  “But it shouldn’t be long now.  Her clothes arrived yesterday.”

I’m at the airport and there[s a woman completely passed out on the baggage carousel!  She’s slowly coming around now.

Clearly there’s some critical backstory to the phrase “when the shit hits the fan” that I’ve been missing out on, because that is way too specific of a phrase to not be based on a real event.

DANG!  I SEE IT!!!!

I signed up for a zoom workout class that was too advanced so when the instructor said, “Do a plank and bring your knee to the opposite elbow,” I did a modified version where I turned off my computer and made pancakes.

Nobody is more judgmental than Cajuns seeing what other people consider gumbo.

And that’s it my friends.

It’s Monday Morning.  I hope you all had a great weekend.  Since I’m starting this on Friday, I’m not really sure what kind of weekend I’ve had, although I will say that I’m planning on it being a busy one.  Saturday I have a family meeting.  Not my family, but Mary’s family.  I told them that I don’t have a dog in this fight, but they insist that I be there…so we’ll see tomorrow. 

In the mean time, I think I want to laugh for a while. 

That’s all. 

I don’t want to get mad at anything. 

I don’t want to get upset with or at anything. 

I don’t want to have any bad memories or anything else right now. 

Let’s just laugh for a while… okay? 

Well…babies don’t taste like adults, so…

A park ranger in the Everglades was making his rounds a couple of summers ago when a woman came bolting out of the weeds right in front of his truck. She seemed frantic and he finally got her calm enough to say that her five year old son was sitting on the back of an alligator.

Now the ranger was frantic. Running in the direction she was pointing he found the lad astride a twelve foot male alligator which was trying to relieve itself of its load by twisting and snapping.

As the brave ranger moved in he tried to console the mother by saying, “I think I can grab the boy and move away before the gator moves, but be ready to grab your son. I may have to shoot the gator.”

To which the lady replies “Good Heavens, no. I just wanted you to make him hold still for a minute so I could take my son’s picture on his back.”

*Overheard conversation between 2nd grade boys*

“Do you think you’ll ever fall in love?”

“I don’t know. I think if she likes pancakes, then probably.”

TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS………  

  #1 Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.

  #2 “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.

  #3 You don’t need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.

  #4 Your people skills are just fine. It’s your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

  #5 The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don’t need to write that down. I’ll remember it.”

  #6 “On time” is when you get there.

  #7 Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound..

  #8 It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

  #9 Lately, you’ve noticed people your age are so much older than you.

#10 Growing old should have taken longer.

#11 Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn’t shut you up.

#12 You still haven’t learned to act your age and hope you never will..

 . . . And one more:

• “One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.

Stop copying me!

A family was having dinner on Mother’s Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet.

Finally the husband asked what was wrong.

“Nothing,” said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again. “Seriously, what’s wrong?”

“Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, you don’t even tell me so much as “Thank you.”

“Why should I?” he said. “Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father’s Day gift.”

“Yes,” she said, “but I’m their real mother.”

A hillbilly was on trial for making moonshine whiskey.

A young neighbor of his was being grilled by the prosecutor.

“Did you ever get any whiskey from him?” asked the prosecutor.

“No, sir!”, said the neighbor.

“Did you ever get any from his wife?”‘ he asked.

“No, sir,” said the neighbor.

“Did you ever get any from his daughter?” asked the prosecutor.

The young neighbour thought a minute and said “Your Honor, are we STILL talking about whiskey?”

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. 

The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!” 

The man was a real smart Aleck and he said, “That’s what you can do when you’re young and quick.” 

Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. 

The young man ran back to his car and asked, “What did you do that for?” 

The little old lady smiled and told him, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!” 

Protecting the dock to the lower city.

Please tell me you get this one…

This is SO COOL.  Thanks to Stephen B for sharing!

Here’s a comment from John M.

Thanks John, I appreciate that.  I truly do. 

So, I went to the family meeting today.  Mary’s family, not mine.  Well, it’s still my family just … well, you get the picture.  Anyway, we were talking about a BUNCH of different things and stuff, but it was nice to see everyone again. 

And it was hard at the same time. 

I cried. 

Some of them cried. 

But, we laughed too and that was cathartic.  All in all it was a good day I guess.  Left at 1030 and didn’t get home until at 1900.  LONG DAY.  Now I’m just waiting to pick Izzy up from work and then go to bed so I can get up and go to church tomorrow. 

I need church tomorrow.  Even though I am playing security tomorrow.  Which means I will miss out on a part of the service, but it is worth it to help out and protect the church. 

Anyway, back to the laughter.

Go ahead youngsters, tell me you weren’t even born in 1974!  I was in High School!  Mind you I was a Sophomore, but still!

I think you will notice a theme with this set of Motivational Posters

Let’s do another comment, this one from Tom H.

Yeah, that picture deserves both of them!

I think we may have run this one (or something similar) before, but it’s interesting just the same.  Thanks to Lynn for sharing this one with us.

I’m going along with the editor WANTED it to read that way, because nobody would have missed that one accidently.

The idea that vengeance against evil makes you just as bad as the evil you’re taking arms against feels very much like something the bad guys would make up and spread across popular culture to make sure we don’t shove their head in a guillotine, just saying…

Rules for good English grammar:

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater.  When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, “I’m sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

I asked an EOD (Explosive Ordinance Disposal) guy once about the stress of bomb defusing.  He shrugged and said, “It’s not.  I’m either right, or suddenly it’s not my problem anymore.”

I try to stick to that perspective.

I had to quit my job as a professional body builder. 

Just gave my too weak notice.

I’m seeing grown ass men in Miami for Spring Break.  Nathanial, you are 43.  You are NOT on Spring Break.  You are on Sick Leave!

I keep telling myself to stop talking to weirdos, but then I would not have any friends left.

I before E except after OLD McDONALD HAD A FARM.

Went out to eat and ordered the early bird special.  They brought me a worm.

Ten plus ten is the same as eleven plus eleven…

I’ll show you…

Ten plus ten equals … twenty …

Eleven plus eleven equals … (smirk) … go ahead … say it … SAY IT!!!…

And that’s it my friends.  Until we meet again next time.  Love and happiness to you all.

Okay, so I’m tired of watching the news, reading articles and getting pissed off at the stupid stuff our current administration is doing.  This is going to become my new logo.  

I’m so tired of the lying cheating bastards.  And I’m tired of the two tiered sense of justice in this country.  One for them and one for the rest of us. 

But, we’re not going to get into that crap…at least not right now.  Instead, we’re going to run a normal, regular, fight the BS issue.  We’re going to do our very best to make you laugh and then, we’re going to do our very best to make you laugh some more.  Then, we’ll give you a couple of seconds to catch your breath, then we’ll give you our very best shot at making you laugh some more…are you sensing a pattern here?  I certainly hope so.  So, let’s jump right in and start right out and … well… 

A MOTHER’S VOCABULARY!

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

POW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry clothes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

WEEKEND: When Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.

The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month’s outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing. 

The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside. 

After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions. Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him – he sauntered in. 

“Sir,” she inquired, “Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?” 

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: “Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep’ em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ’em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse.” 

Remember:  Mother’s Day is for Moms, not men in dresses — your day is April 1st!

Team mates come in all shapes and sizes.

A blonde and a brunette go parachuting.

The blonde jumps first, pulls her parachute cord, and slowly drifts in the air and enjoys the view.

The brunette jumps after her and pulls her parachute cord, but nothing happens! She pulls it again, this time as hard as she can, but still nothing. She pulls the cord to the emergency chute, but that doesn’t open either. She passes by the blonde like a speeding bullet!

The blonde looks at her and says, while getting her parachute off her shoulders, “So, you want to race, do you?”

Comparing moms and dads

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What’s the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

I pretended to be asleep and then I feel asleep.

Now I’m going to pretend I’m skinny…then that I’m rich.

Okay, I got nothing, other than it is awesome art

Yes, but two teaspoons of powdered knowledge stirred into your milk in the morning is enough for most people for the whole day!

And yet it still doesn’t work out for me most days…

I just keep picturing me getting this text and Mary giving that exact same response and I’m laughing so hard I’m crying.  It’s perfect…just absolutely perfect!

I have learned this truth, this exact same way.

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. “I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is “having company for dinner.” As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what’s going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired and irritated, and begins to wonder, “Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?” Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, “Is it raisin for you too then?” No,” stammers the older man, “but it’s quivering a little.

“Each one of us is a mixture of good qualities and some perhaps not so good qualities. In considering our fellow man, we should remember his good qualities and realize that his faults only prove that he is, after all, a human being. We should refrain from making harsh judgments of a person just because he happens to be a dirty, rotten, no-good son-of-a-bitch.”

Wow!  That’s saying something…cause…you know that people are mammals, right?

Next, we haven’t done any of these in a LONG time, so…

Let’s start with this one from Leah D:

John, we’ve had this conversation before.  We disagree about a couple of things and agree about a couple of things.  Don’t we call that life?  Being friends?  Adulting?  I’ll take “D. All of the above”.  I enjoy hearing from you because you always have interesting things to say and offer and agree or not, I can invariably see your point.  Cheers!

And finally, our resident Nurse Marsha has this to say about the toy doctor’s set…

Life is so unfair. I lost my car keys at the park and never found them. I lost my sunglasses at the beach and never found them. I lost my socks in the washing machine and never found them. I lost three pounds on a diet — I found them and ten more!

Hang this next one from your rearview mirror…

Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.

Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don’t bounce back. It’s more like splat!

Midlife brings the wisdom that “life throws you curves” and that you’re now sitting on your biggest ones.

Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, “For this I have stretch marks?”

You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the “big” questions: what is life, why am I here, and how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice.

Shouldn’t that be a perk of the job?

Here’s an oldie but goodie from “Friggin’ Pete”

And then there’s this GREAT one from Wouter …

Gunfight Rules when the SHTF…

“Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.”

In a gunfight, the most important rule is … HAVE A GUN!

The following are shooting tips from various Concealed Carry Instructors. If you own a gun, you will appreciate these rules… If not, you should get one, learn how to use it, and learn the rules.

RULES

A.) Guns have only two enemies: Rust and Politicians. Rust can be prevented, Politicians cannot.

B.) It’s always better to be judged by 12 than carried out by 6.

C.) Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not you

D.) Never let someone or something that threatens you get within 7 yards.

E.) Never say “I’ve got a gun.” If you need to use deadly force, the first sound they should hear is the safety clicking off, or the hammer cocking.

F.) The average response time of a 911 call is 23 minutes ….when only seconds count; the response time of a .357 is 1,400 feet per second.

G.) The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always Win – there is no such thing as a fair fight. Always Win – cheat if necessary. Always Win – 2nd place doesn’t count.

H.) Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets … you may get killed with your own gun, but they’ll have to beat you to death with it because it will be empty.

I.) If you’re in a gun fight:

     (a) If you’re not shooting, you should be reloading.

     (b) If you’re not reloading, you should be moving.

     (c) If you’re not moving, you’re dead.

J.) In a life and death situation, do something … it may be wrong, but do something!

K.) If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid. Nonsense! If you have a gun, what do you have to be paranoid about?

L.) Never fire a warning shot, that is just one wasted bullet, which could be needed within moments.

M.) You can say “stop” or any other word, but a large bore muzzle pointed at someone’s head is pretty much a universal language; and, you won’t have to press 1 for Spanish/Mexican, or 2 for Chinese, or 3 for Arabic.

N.) Never leave a wounded enemy behind. If you have to shoot, shoot to kill. In court, yours will be the only testimony.

O.) You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself and your family.

A member of our church choir arrives every Sunday morning with her seven children in tow, all a bit rumpled but never the less on time.

Scarcely able to get my one child ready, I asked her how she managed her brood so efficiently,

“Easy,” she replied with a smile. “I dress them the night before!”

A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, “Hi, Daddy!” and she began telling him about her day. She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.

When it was finally the wife’s turn to talk she took the receiver and said, “Hi, hon.”

“Thank God, lady,” the voice on the other end replied. “I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!”

Many of us take better care of our cars then we do our mothers and yet we only expect our cars to last 5 or 6 years but we expect our mothers to last for a lifetime.

Maybe we need a maintenance manual for mothers so we would know how to take care of them at least as well as we do our automobiles.

Here are some items that might be included in such a manual.

Engine:

A mother’s engine is one of the most dependable kinds you can find.

She can reach top speed from a prone position at a single cry from a sleeping child. But regular breaks are needed to keep up that peak performance. Mothers need a hot bath and a nap every 100 miles, a baby-sitter and a night out every 1,000 miles, and a live-in baby-sitter with a one week vacation every 10,000 miles.

Battery:

Mother’s batteries should be recharged regularly. Handmade items, notes, unexpected hugs and kisses, and frequent “I love you’s” will do very well for a recharge.

Carburetor:

When a mother’s carburetor floods it should be treated immediately with Kleenex and a soft shoulder.

Brakes:

See that she uses her brakes to slow down often and come to a full stop occasionally. (A squeaking sound indicates a need for a rest).

Fuel:

Most mothers can run indefinitely on coffee, leftovers and salads, but an occasional dinner for two at a nice restaurant will really add to her efficiency.

Chassis:

Mothers run best when their bodies are properly maintained. Regular exercise should be encouraged and provided for as necessary. A change in hairdo or makeup in spring and fall are also helpful.

If you notice the chassis begins to sag, immediately start a program of walking, jogging, swimming, or bike riding. These are most effective when done with fathers.

Tune-ups:

Mother need regular tune-ups. Compliments are both the cheapest and most effective way to keep a mother purring contentedly.

Oh yes, and let’s not forget to speak to mother lovingly and respectfully, especially when she reminds you to drive carefully and have a good time.

If these instructions are followed consistently, this fantastic creation and gift from God, whom we call “MOTHER”, should last a lifetime and give good service and constant love to those who need her most.

Parents always make ridiculous predictions about their kids.

The day my little girl was born, a friend of mine called me. His little boy was born the day before, and he said, “Who knows? Maybe they’ll end up getting married.”

I said, “Are you nuts!? My little girl is just one day old! Your son is 2 days old!”

“So?” he asked.

“Well, she’s certainly not going to marry someone twice her age!” I replied.

A skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question.

If our chute doesn’t open and the reserve doesn’t open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?

The jump instructor answered, The rest of your life.

Mrs. James answered the front doorbell one day to find her dear friend, Mrs. Avery, standing outside with a huge, mangy, panting dog.

Delighted by the unexpected visit, Mrs. James bade her friend inside.

The dog bounded ahead of them, knocked over a valuable vase while dashing for the cat, then jumped onto an antique sofa, and proceeded to take a nap.

He was still napping an hour later when Mrs. Avery rose to leave.

Mrs. James showed her to the door and waited for her to call the dog.

But her friend paid no attention whatsoever to the animal.

“Aren’t you going to take your dog with you?’ Mrs. James asked, a hint of impatience in her voice.

“Oh, that awful beast is not my pet! I thought he was yours!’ responded Mrs. Avery.”

Yeah, it’s like that.  And that’s also a good place to quit for now.  Until we meet again, may God Bless you all with Love and Happiness.