At the beginning of each veteran’s service career, they raised their right hand and solemnly swore to put their lives between the evils of the world and the 94% of the people who will never do the same thing that they have done.  They have promised to give THEIR lives in order to protect YOURS.  They don’t even know you.  They have no idea who you are, but they are willing to die for you.  They don’t plan on it, in fact, they plan to do everything in their power to do their job in such a way so that the other guy gives HIS life for HIS country, if it comes down to that. 

Our job is SUPPOSED to be to appear so FIERCE that no other country WANTS to attack us.  We used to be really good at that.

6.2 % of the population are veterans and about 1% of the population are currently protecting the other 99%.  

These men and women do jobs like everyone else does, but underlying all those jobs is a primary job that we don’t really talk about…to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies.  But what is “the Constitution of the United States”?

You can point to the paper in Washington where it is housed in a special container filled with nitrogen (I think).  But what REALLY is the Constitution?

In my humble opinion, the Constitution of the United States is:

• First and foremost the people who make up the Spirit of the country.
• Second, the rules, regulations, and guidelines that make up the roadmap of where this country is going and, therefore, where it has been.
• And finally, it is the heart and soul of this country.  The Preamble says it all.

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

• Form a more perfect Union.
• Establish Justice
• Insure domestic Tranquility
• Provide for the common defence
• Promote the general Welfare
• Secure the Blessings of Liberty
• All of this for ourselves and for our Posterity

And THAT is WHY I am a Veteran.  And that is also why my oath of service will NEVER expire.  To all my brothers and sisters, whether you’ve served 30 years or 30 days, whether you were Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines or Coast Guard, may I offer you my most sincere and heartfelt thank you for your service and may you have a truly wonderful and happy Veterans Day.

Now…

Amen!  I don’t need it to be lighter out later or earlier or whatever the heck it’s supposed to be.  Just pick one and leave it the heck alone!!!!!!

Here’s another small part of my job…severe weather.  Plus, I personally have this thing about tornadoes…

What an awesome tattoo.

Okay, Stephanie shared this next one.  Here’s the link:  https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=909744267696467&rdid=IaEDimJEkuf9cnnE and I have no idea what the backstory is, but the content is a young man obviously reading something quickly that is so well said that it is awesome.  But he goes through it so fast that it loses some of it’s punch.  So, I spent hours transcribing this little less than 3 minute video and here is the transcription:

You say you don’t believe in God, but the scientist, Sir Roger Penrose calculated the likelihood of the universe having this precise of a design and the calculation he came up with 10,000,000,000 to 123rd power.  Which is the number 10 billion with 123 zeros at the end.  A number that humans cannot even comprehend.

(10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000)

 You say you don’t believe in God, yet atheist scientist, Stephen Hawking stated in his book, The Brief History of Time, that at the moment of the Big Bang, that if the expansion rate of the universe is different by even one / one hundred thousand million millionth of a percent that the universe would’ve collapsed back on itself.

You say you don’t believe in God, but your existence alone as a human is of a 400 trillion to one odds. 

You say you don’t believe in God, yet did you know that if one person‘s DNA was unraveled and placed end to end it would stretch to Pluto and back. 

You say it takes too much faith to believe in God, and then to that I’ll ask you, have you ever seen non-intellectual produce intellectual?  Have you ever seen non-life produce life?  Have you ever seen a massive explosion or expansion produced design or order?  Every explosion I’ve ever seen has led to mass destruction, not design and order.

You say you can’t trust biblical texts because they’re ancient manuscripts that were written by men thousands of years ago.  Yet the Bible is the most preserved text in all of humanity with over 25,000 manuscripts in the world. I didn’t ask you, why do you trust the reliability of people like Caesar, Galileo, and many other ancient figures when they have far less items written about them?  

You say that the Bible has been mistranslated and altered, yet the discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls in 1950s have proven that claim to be false.

You say you don’t believe in the miracles of Jesus, yet you believe in the miracles of the universe being almost perfect in every aspect for us and our ecosystem to survive.  

You say it takes too much faith to believe in religion, yet I counter that claim with the notion that I believe it takes way more faith to be an atheist than a theist.  

You say you don’t need God to have good morals and you would be correct, but then you cannot ground your morality in anything else but pure opinion.

Then you say who cares?  And I ask you who was right morally?  Because it all comes down to subjective opinion if you’re an atheist. And if you’ve had enough bad people have a bad subjective opinion we would be in a world of trouble.  

God allows us to ground our morality in an objective manner instead of pure opinion of one person versus the next. 

You say the Bible is unreliable yet over 2,000 prophecies are confirmed from the Old Testament to the New Testament.  You say believers are living in a fairy tale, yet the evidence of Christianity is so overwhelming, I would ask you how can you not believe?

You say, “Why does God allow humans to suffer, not even have enough food to live?” and I’ll turn that question right around against humanity and ask, “Why do we as humans allow people to not get enough food and water to survive?”

You say, “Why doesn’t God just come down and show himself so that we can believe?”  And I say to that, he already did and we killed Him.  And I know that if He came again, we’d try to kill Him again because the world hates the truth and loves their sin. 

Get right with God now.

What an amazing essay.

Okay, this one is really good too, sent in by Steph.  25 of the best Halloween Costumes.  

What a fantastic statue.  I looked for a smaller version on line.  Way out of my league price wise.

How Children perceive their grandparents.

1. I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I’d done many times before. After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye….

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 68. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
“What’s it about?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”

7. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!”

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.” (WOW! I really like this one — it says I’m only ’38’!)

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting.” she said. “How do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”

11. Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child.
“No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.”
A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and whenever we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

That is a FANTASTIC idea!!!!

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity. 

– Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

What’s a mixed feeling? 

When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car

Minnesota Law

Women may face up to 30 days in jail if they impersonate Santa Claus.

A third grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell “before.” 

He stands up and says, “Before, B-E-P-H-O-R.” 

The teacher says, “No, that’s wrong. Can anyone else spell before?” 

Another little boy stands up and says, “Before, B-E-F-O-O-R.”

Again the teacher says, “No, that’s wrong.” The teacher asks, “Little Johnny, can you spell ‘before’?” 

Little Johnny stands up and says, “Before, B-E-F-O-R-E.”

“Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?” 

Little Johnny says, “That’s easy. Two plus two be fore.”

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. ‘Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy.’

‘Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.’ 

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. ‘I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn’t care!’ 

‘You just don’t know how to set him off, watch and learn.’ The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder.

‘I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!’ 

‘Oh, wow, I didn’t know that, thank you.’ 

Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies. ‘Your right, he is unshakable!’ 

The third English man said, ‘No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch.’ 

The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said, ‘I hear your St. Patrick was an English man!’ 

‘Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.’ 

THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT MIGHT BE TRUE! 
(or Urban Legend?) 


What a world?  ….  On Thursday, 24 January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on his afternoon program on ABC radio.  ((Story from Australia)) 

In March, 1999, a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.  He ignored it and threw it away.  In April he received another bill and threw that one away too. 

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn’t send them $0.00 by return mail. 

He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it. 

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.  However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.  He called the gas company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. 

Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, so he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out. 

The next month he got a bill for $0.00.  This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. 

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00.  The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all. 

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing writing check for $0.00.  After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail.  The bank could therefore not process ANY checks they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash. 

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his check has bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt.  At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company. 

It took him nearly 2 hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking.  They subsequently assisted him in the drafting of statements which were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle.  The matter was heard in the Magistrate’s Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this: 

The gas company was ordered to: 

[1] Immediately rectify their computerized accounts system or show cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under company Law. 

[2] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by the man. 

[3] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose checks had been bounced on the day our friend’s had been. 

[4] Pay the claimant’s court costs; and 

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer. 


And all this over $0.00. 

A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along.  She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried.

She asks, “What if the baby starts coming, and I can’t get to the hospital in time.”

The doctor replies, “Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors.

It’s a very natural process. The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant.”

The blonde interrupts with, “Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?”

This kid needs a reward!  7th Grader Jumps Into Action to Save Bus Driver and Fellow Students

And I hope that little collection helps you understand a little bit, also.

That is truly wild looking!

Wonder how many will get that one…

Okay, so Ted sent us this next quiz…it’s called the Older than dirt quiz.

So, I’m sharing this with all of you because I remember 4 or more.  I actually remember 16 1/2.  I say 16 1/2 because I’m not sure about #7.  I remember them, but I don’t know if we ever had one or if we always had our own line. When I checked on the dates for party lines this is what I found out with a quick search: Party lines carried on well into the 70s, but the technology was deemed “a victim of progress” but the last party line was not phased out until 1991 in Woodbury, Connecticut.  So, I could EASILY have had a party line as a kid.  Heck, in 1991 I had already been in the Air Force and gotten out again.  I graduated high school in 1977.

Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn’t know the first thing about women or fractions.

This demonstrates how little things change.
It was first published in the British humour magazine “Punch” on April 3, 1957:
But it is still VERY pertinent to banking practices today.

Q: What are banks for?

A: To make money.

Q: For the customers?

A: For the banks.

Q: Why doesn’t bank advertising mention this?

A: It would not be in good taste.  But it is mentioned by implication in references to reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts.  That is  the money they have made.

Q: Out of the customers?

A: I suppose so.

Q: They also mention Assets of $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts.  Have they made that too?

A: Not exactly.  That is the money they use to make money.

Q: I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere?

A: Not at all.  They lend it to customers.

Q: Then they haven’t got it?

A: No.

Q: Then how is it Assets?

A: They maintain that it would be if they got it back.

Q: But they must have some money in a safe somewhere?

A: Yes, usually $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts.  This is called Liabilities.

Q: But if they’ve got it, how can they be liable for it?

A: Because it isn’t theirs.

Q: Then why do they have it?

A: It has been lent to them by customers.

Q: You mean customers lend banks money?

A: In effect.  They put money into their accounts, so it is really lent to the banks.

Q: And what do the banks do with it?

A: Lend it to other customers.

Q: But you said that money they lent to other people was Assets?

A: Yes.

Q: Then Assets and Liabilities must be the same thing?

A: You can’t really say that.

Q: But you’ve just said it!  If I put $100 into my account the bank is liable to have to pay it back, so it’s Liabilities.  But they go and  lend it to someone else and he is liable to have to pay it back, so  it’s Assets. It’s the same $100 isn’t it?

A: Yes, but….

Q: Then it cancels out.  It means, doesn’t it, that banks haven’t really any money at all?

A: Theoretically……

Q: Never mind theoretically!  And if they haven’t any money, where do  they get their Reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts??

A: I told you.  That is the money they have made.

Q: How?

A: Well, when they lend your $100 to someone they charge him interest.

Q: How much?

A: It depends on the Bank Rate.  Say five and a-half percent.  That’s their profit.

Q: Why isn’t it my profit?  Isn’t it my money?

A: It’s the theory of banking practice that………

Q: When I lend them my $100 why don’t I charge them interest?

A: You do.

Q: You don’t say.  How much?

A: It depends on the Bank Rate.  Say a half percent.

Q: Grasping of me, rather?

A: But that’s only if you’re not going to draw the money out again.

Q: But of course I’m going to draw the money out again!  If I hadn’t  wanted to draw it out again I could have buried it in the garden!

A: They wouldn’t like you to draw it out again.

Q: Why not?  If I keep it there you say it’s a Liability.  Wouldn’t they be glad if I reduced their Liabilities by removing it?

A: No.  Because if you remove it they can’t lend it to anyone else.

Q: But if I wanted to remove it they’d have to let me?

A: Certainly.

Q: But suppose they’ve already lent it to another customer?

A: Then they’ll let you have some other customers money.

Q: But suppose he wants his too….and they’ve already let me have it?

A: You’re being purposely obtuse.

Q: I think I’m being acute.  What if everyone wanted their money all at once?

A: It’s the theory of banking practice that they never would.

Q: So what banks bank on, is not having to meet their commitments?

You know, he’s absolutely right.

Absolutely hilarious!!!

That’s it my friends.  Be blessed.

I’m sorry, my friends. But there won’t be an issue again tomorrow. See, we are getting spun up for a big exercise in January and I had to work all weekend, which is when I usually get to work on Dragon Laffs. And then I get to finish it up on Monday night, but I have a … well … let’s call it someone I’m doing something for on Monday’s for the next couple of weeks of a personal nature. And then last night being election night and I don’t need to tell you how THAT turned out.

Anyway, long story short, there just isn’t enough hours in the day for me right now. Not that there won’t be soon, just some of these weeks are worse than others, so please bear with me. You know you guys are a priority for me and I love and care about you.

Be well, Be Blessed and I hope to catch back up with you on this weekend and we can talk about Veterans Day and the election and all kinds of things.

Cheers,

Impish

I am so incredibly far behind in EVERYTHING right now that this issue may just be a mad grab for memes and stuff and see what happens.  I have SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO SHARE with you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Okay………..

Take a breath………..

First, I hope everyone remembered to turn their clocks back last night.

Second, let’s just get to the laughter…

Yeah, we are going to do the Halloween catch up thing.

We got lucky when we heard the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta was getting a face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became available for sale as salvage items. 

We bought several and had them installed in our 19th-century home. 

Showing a friend around the house, I pointed out, “You know, these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel.” 

He raised an eyebrow. “Most people just take towels.” 

A wife complains, “Our wall clock almost hit my mother on the head today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.”

The husband mumbles, “That clock always was slow.”

Tomorrow is election day.  I don’t care who you vote for…well, I really do…but if you don’t go out and vote, then you have no right to complain about anything that goes on.  It is your responsibility to vote.  You may not have anyone you want to vote for, but sure as heck there are people you want to vote against.  I expect each and every one of you to go out there and vote.

THE NEW MATH

NAME____________________

GANG NAME______________

1. Ramón has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip.  He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting.  How many drive-by shootings can Ramón attempt before he has to reload?

2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine.  If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho’s.  If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne’s $800 per day crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit.  How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit? 

5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4×4.  If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4×4’s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder.  He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 – 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang.  There are 20 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang.  LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5  rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat.  If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week’s income?

10. Marvin steals Juan’s skate board.  As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum.  If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

Daylight Savings Time 

How many of you had these in your house growing up, raise your hand…

Asked by his third-grade teacher to spell “straight.” The boy did so correctly. 

“Now,” said the teacher, “what does it mean?”

“Without water.” 

Massachusetts Law

It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license. 

See!  Why aren’t booklets like this still available?

Isn’t it strange that a group of very intelligent individuals combined into a political party become collectively stupid ? 

These are true, I was a Sheriff and these are some of the excuses I heard. 

I actually wrote very few, about 1-2 a week, but when they came up with really lame excuses, I just had to. 


People who got the ticket:

Guy on a motorcycle doing 110 mph at 1 in the morning “I was cold so I wanted to get home fast” 

Old lady doing 88 in a 25 zone “I was checking to see if my muffler was leaking” 

Vietnamese woman doing 45 in a 25 school zone “No speaka english” 
After receiving the ticket “you son of a *&^%$, you wrote me a ticket!” 


People who did not get a ticket:

I paced a guy going 90 mph for about 5 miles. When I noticed he had a radar detector on his dash (Yes, that’s how close I was and he didn’t look in his rearview mirror once!) I reached over and activated my radar. I saw his detector light up and he hit his brakes so hard he skidded into the ditch! I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t write him, but I did call for a tow truck. He was a little embarrassed 

Guy doing 70 in a 35 zone “I just won the lottery” He really did, but he was heartbroken when I explained that the lottery office was closed on Sundays! 

But this guy was my favorite; I caught a guy in a Porsche Cabriolet doing 125 mph in a 65 zone. I told him to explain why he was going so fast. He showed me the purchase papers for the car and said “I’ve waited my whole life to own this car. I bought it yesterday and have been driving it ever since. It was 4 in the morning, no one else was around, and I just wanted to really open it up once, to see what it would do”

I handed him back his license and said “That makes perfect sense to me”. 

This actually sounds like a pretty cool cop to me.  Giving tickets out where they are deserved and cutting slack to enough people, too.

♪♫Stuck in the middle with ewe♫♪

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!” 

I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing,my family eats a considerable amount of wild game. So much, in fact,that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said, “Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods.” 

When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up. “See, Mom. She doesn’t like the skin either.” 

This guy was driving the back roads of Arkansas late one night. He hadn’t had much sleep and should not have been driving. 

He started to doze off but caught himself just in time to see two Yankees in the road. He slammed on the brakes but to no avail. He hit both of them. 

One went through the windshield and landed in the back seat and the other bounced off the grill and landed in a field 100 feet away. 

In a panic he called the Arkansas State Police on his cell phone for help. 

When the State Trooper arrived the guy  explained, “Oh my God, officer I’m so sorry I was too tired to be driving and I killed these guys. I can’t go to jail, I’ve got a wife and three kids. What am I going to do?” 

The trooper looked at him and in that wonderful Southern drawl said, “Boy, don’t you fret one bit. We’ll get that Yankee in the back seat of your car for attempted car-jacking and we’ll get the one in the field for leaving the scene of an accident.” 

You really gotta love the south.  Anyone who has ever spent any time in the south will read that and just nod and say, “Yup.  That’s about how it would work.”

Thanks to Ted for this very long Comedy Special…enjoy!

And that’s where I have to stop my friends.  I didn’t get to any of the essays I wanted to include or anything!  Next time, maybe.  Love to you all.  Until next time, be Blessed my friends.

So, it’s Sunday and I’m trying to get a jump on Thursday’s issue so I don’t end up missing out again this week.  It would be really great if I could get the whole thing done in time tonight.  Not counting on it, but maybe I can if I keep the editorializing to a minimum and the laughter to a maximum. 

You guys would probably like that more, anyway, right? 

Right? 

Hmm, it’s awfully quiet out there… so let’s just jump right into the issue and see where it leads us then shall we?

Aaannnddd… I guess I am going to start editorializing right off the bat.  So, okay.  So, here goes… So, in what insane land of make-believe do you ladies think that putting a ring in your nose or anything else for that matter … and yes, for this man, that even includes those little diamond (fake or real) nose studs (or whatever you call them) … makes you look attractive?  It makes you look like a milk cow!  Like I should clip a snap ring on it and lead you around by it.  Put you out in the field and keep you in one place so you don’t wander off.  If you take offense to that, I’m sorry.  It looks asinine.  Would you more beautiful, women (notice the term “woman”) please mentor the girls (notice the term “girl”) and straighten them out?  One of my grandsons is going to bring home one of these milk cows and I’m going to embarrass them both.

And let’s start the issue off right with…

40 Fun Photos to Fuel Your Morning

Editorializing again…sigh…what’s wrong with proper English?  Even in a text message?  Now, I know buddy Wheats and I will text some crazy crap to each other, but we text each other daily and have know each other since we were roommates in Germany in 1981, so a 43 year friendship overrides most stuff.  Besides, we do more accents than stupid stuff like B4 and UR and the like.  Let’s put it this way…if you guys don’t stop with the stupid stuff, we’ll all start writing in cursive.  Or in “longhand” as it was known when I was growing up.

This next one is from Leah…

𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐖𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐂𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐨𝐨𝐧 𝐌𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐜 𝐖𝐚𝐬 𝐌𝐚𝐝𝐞?

The American Fotoplayer was a form of player piano, electrically-driven, with augmented orchestral effects, including organ pipes, percussion instruments and assorted sound effects (whistles, doorbells, bird song, gun shots, thunder etc.). The organ could be played manually, as shown below, but it also took piano rolls as with a conventional player piano, each of which would be designed for particular genres and scenes. An operator (often an usherette, it is said) would therefore have to switch from one roll to another as the action changed.

Photoplayers were first introduced around 1910, and were produced in their thousands in the United States. Generally they were installed in smaller cinemas throughout the silent era, as the amplification was not good enough to larger theaters. Their peak years were the late teens, and production tailed off after 1925. Only a hundred or so exist today—one of those can be found in the home of Joe Rinaudo (seen here), a Silent Cinema Historian and Preservationist. Fotoplayers were dumped once the talkies arrived, but continued to be in cartoons.

And this one is from Lynn…

This Sunday, at 0200 hrs, it suddenly becomes 0100 hrs again and we all get an extra hour of sleep!  It’s the good one.

Qiantang, the world’s largest tidal bore

Lynn started this with this gif and I found the YouTube.  What fun!

Actually, I think it’s closer to 98% and 2%, but who’s counting.

I AM!

And so should you be!  2% of the population is standing between evil and the other 98%.  They voluntarily said that they would give up their very lives for people they don’t even know!  “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” That’s John 15:13.  Everyone…EVERYONE should thank a VET … every day.  I do.  (And cops and firefighters and EMTs, too.) 

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man.  If you want anything done, ask a woman. 

-Margaret Thatcher (1925 – 2013 )

Yeah, I could give an Amen to that one, also.

A colleague was invited to hold a speech in Japan. Aware of his reputation as a very good speaker, he was surprised that his audience did not react at all to any of his perfectly timed jokes and witticisms. In fact, the audience did not react to anything he said. 

Somewhat put down, he went back to his seat and a Japanese gentleman appeared on the stage. 

This man had a terrific success! People laughed and applauded, and although the original speaker could not understand one bit of what was said, still he started to applaud, as the man evidently deserved praise for this perfect speech. 

He was interrupted by the chairman of the conference, “No no, sir. You must not applaud.” 

Dumfounded, he protested: “But why? This man is obviously a very good speaker.” 

“No sir, you must not applaud. He is translating your speech.” 

Things That Can Drive A Sane Person Insane:

· The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper that never works.

· There are always one or two ice cubes that won’t pop out of the tray.

· You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic tag in the middle of them. 

· The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

· The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

· There’s always a car riding your tail when you’re slowing down to find an address. 

· You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

· There’s a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING!

· You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

· Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth. 

· You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

· You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

· Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you’re trying to get a reading. 

· A station comes in brilliantly when you’re standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

· You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint. 

· The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

· A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.

· You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 PM instead of 7 am.

· You rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

· Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

· You can’t look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don’t know how to spell it. 

The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground! 

The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground!

As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. 

Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds. 

As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.

“Those weren’t midgets,” the pilot replied. Those were Texans with all the shit scared out of them!”

Abe and Esther were flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.  Suddenly over the public address system the Captain announces, 

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.  Our engines have ceased functioning, and we will attempt an emergency landing.  Luckily I see an uncharted island below us, and we should be able to land on the beach. The odds, however, are that we will may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!” 

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds. 

Abe still shaken from the crash landing then asks, “Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?” 

“Oy, no!  I’m sorry.  I forgot to send the check,” she says. 

“One last thing, Esther.  Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month,” he asks? 

“Oy, forgive me, Abie,” begged Esther. “I didn’t sent that one, either.” 

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. 

Esther pulls away and asks him, “So, what have I done to deserve that?” 

Abe answers,  “They’ll find us.”

WWWHHHHOOOOOOOOAAAAA!!!!!!!   LET’S GOOOOO!!!!!

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!” 

Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!!” 

“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!”, says another, flicking his tail. 

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!” 

The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog.”

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. 

“Your honor,” he said, “I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.” 

“Why ?” asked the judge. “He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?” 

“Well, your honor,” replied Carlson, “I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole

I feel and react the exact same way…every morning.

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do.  Like it or not, he was stuck with it. 

All the years of growing up was real tough on him because all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends. 

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a Swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life’s savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day, when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. 

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window. 

The next morning when the boy awoke, he saw the golden screw lying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! 

Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off. 

The moral of this story is:  
Don’t screw around with things you don’t understand.You could lose your ass!

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde’s ear? 

A: Data transfer.

Which is the curved road?

So, Joe says this might be a repeat, but it’s funny enough to play again..

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow 


1. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital. 

3. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared. 

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 

9.. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission. 

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful. 

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 

12. She is numb from her toes down. 

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 

14. The skin was moist and dry. 

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. 

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy. 

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 

21  Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.. 

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present. 

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities 

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. 

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed. 

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. 

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead. 

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. 

And with that we’re going to end this one here.  Love and happiness to you all.

I’m really mad!  I’m trying so hard to remain Christian in my rant here, but IT IS SO HARD!!!  I’m listening in the background as some MORON is on youtube that Izzy is listening to who is DEFENDING Hamas and laughing, LAUGHING about Jews being raped and saying it never happened!  And the biggest problem, is that he has a following of young people who are buying into this EVIL!  These lies!!!!  There are facebook videos of women being raped and then killed that were live streamed to their families!  How can you possibly say that it didn’t happen?!?  You liar!!  There is a special place in HELL reserved for you, Hasan, and contrary to possibly your belief, it’s going to burn for a VERY LONG TIME!!!!!

Okay…

That was several days ago.

Today is Friday and I have had a TRULY CRAPPY WEEK!  I even pranged the car last night.  I fully and 100% believe that the more and closer we walk with God, the more Satan steps in and gets in our way and fights with us and tries to make our life more difficult.  

I have had such a fantastic spiritual couple of weeks with my ministries and with counseling people and mostly with my own personal walk.  My FBI (Faith Bible Institute) Study has been FANTASTIC and I have learned so much and I feel like I have grown so much closer to God and to the Spirit, that it makes perfect sense for the adversary to be playing havoc in my life and he really has!

Work has been absolutely overwhelming with people wanting things from me.

Then, I ordered and had made some very special coins…military type challenge coins for those of you who know what those are … for Veterans Day for my church.  Has the church’s logo and a special scripture about the Armor of God on one side and a “Thank you for your service” type of thing on the other side.  Veterans Day is a hugely special thing for me.  I wanted this in a really, really bad way.  And maybe that was another problem.  Maybe I didn’t want it in the right way, if you know what I mean.  I had talked to Pastor about them and he had talked about the Men’s group and the Women’s group going in half & half on them and I thought that was a good idea.  If you’ve never ordered these things they can be a little pricey.

Well, Pastor had a death in his family and then he got sick and we had another death in the church and, long story short, I wasn’t going to bother him about the money when time was running out, so I ordered them myself, paid the tax when the church could have ordered them tax-exempt I think (maybe not.  I’m not sure how that works with just expenses or on anything) and put the cost (about $650) on my credit card.  God will make it all work out.

Told the company, Signature Coins, five stars by the way!!!, that I had to have them by the first week of November and they actually got them to me like two weeks early!  

And then FedEx lost my package!  I freaked out.  See, I had to have it delivered to a CVS because they needed a signature to accept delivery so I couldn’t have them delivered to the house because I couldn’t guarantee that someone would be home since Izzy and I both work.  FedEx swore they were dropped off and CVS said they didn’t have it.  We went round and round for 5 days!  With me praying to God to keep the anger from me because I was REALLY getting mad!

The box has to be somewhere, right?  So the Spirit whispers to me, maybe someone messed up the label.  Maybe have CVS look for the tracking number and not your name.  So, I went back to the store for like the third time and got the same person I had already dealt with and she, of course gives me attitude (quick prayer, please Lord, help me not get angry) I tell her my plan about the tracking number and can we please check?  Should be a small, heavy little box.  

“There’s no tracking numbers on these boxes.”

Yes there are, here, let me show you.

“YOU CAN’T COME BEHIND THE COUNTER.”

I’m not coming behind the counter, just let me …

“Oh, the tracking number is right here. So, what number are we looking for?”

So, I tell her and she finds it on the second box she looked at.  The same box that I know for a FACT was sitting there the very first day that I went and asked about my box.  The same box that through many inquiries and several drivers and multiple phone calls, no one could find because…here, I’ll show you.

Here’s the last three letters of my last name:

And here’s the tracking number:

And all because me, someone who’s not even IN the business thought to say, “Hey.  Why don’t we look for the tracking number?”  Thinking they may have fat-fingered the name on the shipping label or something.  Or something was right.  It was torn.  Nobody could see that it was torn?  Looks pretty obvious to me?

So, on the very same night that I got that worked out, on the way home from my FBI class, one of the older guys wanted to know if he could follow me home because his route was under construction.  So, pulling out of the dark parking lot I pulled up and he wasn’t pulling out.  I waited a couple of minutes and he still wasn’t coming.  So I turned the wheel to spin back around to go back and there was a light pole in my blind spot and I pranged right into the concrete square holding it up.  Right in my passenger side door.

Not horrible, but more than I can afford right now, especially with the coins taking up room on my credit card.  I’m not really that worried about it, I just feel horrible about it.  Oh, why did the older guy get hung up behind me?  He did the exact same thing.  He turned right into a light pole and REALLY dinged up his car.

The Spirit helped me fix up one problem, so Satan had to throw another one in front of me.  Well, let me say something publically right now.  You can listen up you old liar, it’s not going to make any difference AT ALL.  My walk with God is only going to increase from here, because all you are proving to me with all your stupid nonsense is that I am on the right path.  So, it’s not going to be me that gives up, or gets distracted, so YOU might as well.

And those were just a couple of the highlights my dear friends, so what do you say we get to the fun stuff and chase away the nonsense with some laughter, shall we?

That is way, WAY, WAY too much information for me!!!  Having worked in the Department of Corrections in a couple of different formats, it never ceases to amaze me what people will do.

It bothers me that we are not making more of this in the news and such, than we are.  We should be marching in there with every piece of law enforcement that we have and get these people their homes back!

Tren de Aragua Seizes 4 Apartment Buildings in San Antonio

I’ve wondered that so many times myself that I’ve decided that I no longer care if it’s not acceptable for me to point it out.  I’m going to.  We all know that common sense isn’t common, and stupidity runs rampant through our society and if Dragon Laffs needs to be the voice calling in the wilderness than so be it.  We’ll just continue to do it with a smile.

I Just Lost 100,000,000 Brain Cells After Looking At These 23 Extremely Stupid Things People Actually Posted On The Internet Last Week

That has got to be one of the funnest things I’ve read all week!

I want to go there!!!!

This next one is SO COOL!  It’s from our great buddy in South Africa, thanks Wouter!!!

Hope you enjoy this one- it’s interesting to see all that
Is included. It would prove invaluable assistance to anyone studying history or biographies.
Well worth saving for students.
Now take a look at this picture…..

Painted by Chinese Artists, Dai Dudu, Li Tiezi and Zhang An,
Oil on canvas, 2006.

This painting is truly remarkable. Even more amazing though, is that the canvas has Been computerized. When you click on the link below, a much bigger Version of the computerized painting appears. Run your cursor over the people. The programme tells you who they are – every single One of them. BUT (click on a person) and you obtain the individual’s life history. This is fascinating… Can keep you busy for hours! CLICK HERE

Yes, it really can keep you busy for hours…more than two and a half hours for me … this last time … lol.  Thanks again Wouter for sending it our way.

32 Extremely Dumb Pictures That Make Me Laugh Uncontrollably Literally Every Single Time I Think Of Them

That is outstandingly sick humor!  Two thumbs up!  Okay, so maybe only one.

That is so cool!  I would go there just so I could have my picture taken out front!!!

40 Random Bits of STEM Trivia You’d Never Be Able to Drum Up on Your Fancy Graphing Calculator

Think about the last couple of lines if you aren’t there yet…

Yeah…a different list completely.

This next one is from Lynn

World’s Largest Solar Power Plant That Covers 32,947 Acres

“By 2030 almost half of China’s electricity generation will come from renewable energy sources.”

The country’s wind and solar farms are the reason, even before this latest plant came online.

The Xinjiang region is a hub for renewable energy production, as its ample sun, wind, and low population make it an ideal spot.

Why?!  Why would you do this?  I hope the judge throws this out of court!

THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU MOVE TO THE SOUTH.

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one’s seen before.
4. If it grows, it’ll stick ya. If it crawls, it’ll bite cha.
5. Onced and Twiced are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
7. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom?
8. People actually grow, eat, and like okra.
9. Fixinto is one word. It means I’m going to do something.
10. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there’s supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.
12. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
13. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, ‘Did you eat?’
14. You don’t have to wear a watch, because it doesn’t matter what time it is, you work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
15. You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
16. Y’all is singular. All Y’all is plural.
17. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
18. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.
19. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Cajun seasoning, Tabasco, and ketchup.
20. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, motorsports, and gossip.
21. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name)
22. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
23. You know what a hissy fit is..
24. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
25. We don’t need no dang Driver’s Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!

This is one that Izzy and I found!

Beautiful!

Heroes of the Hurricane!

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane, when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

“This is fantastic,” thought the gentleman. “I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.”

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?”

Only one word leapt to mind… “My goodness,” thought the gentleman, “I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another.” The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, “I think you’re looking for the word ‘aunt’.”

“Of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

Amen!  You get what you deserve.  Bird shot is a lot better than a regular bullet.  Mess around and find out!  Play stupid games and win stupid prizes.  You wouldn’t be NEAR so lucky breaking into MY house!

This is the way Grandmas (and Grandpas) should be!  If you don’t like it, well, it’s pretty self-explanatory in the letter.  I LOVE this letter.

Thanksgiving Letter from Grandma!

Dear Family…….Living is still important to me.

If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday. Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. 2:00! Arrive late and you get what’s left over.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don’t arrive at someone’s house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives – date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don’t know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I’ll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:

1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
2. The “no cans for kids” rule still exists. We are using 2-liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child’s cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I’ll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy’s house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You’ve never been a good cook and you shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthily at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That’s nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That’s why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy… look at me. I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don’t put them away just because the company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don’t need to bring anything means you don’t need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn’t have to be difficult.
12. Domino’s and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it’s true now that you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.

Love You, Grandma

One of my favorite snacks has just taken on a whole new meaning.

Bob left work one Friday evening.  (Why does it always have to be Bob?)

But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

He replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

She’s got a plan…

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn’t do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn’t live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem… How to carry his entire purchases home.

The feed store owner said,

“Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Hey, thanks!” said the biker, and out the door he went.

In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost, and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane.

The biker said,

“As a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time”.

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said,

“I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”

The biker said,

“Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?”

The lady said,

“Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,”If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.

“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said..”I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” I asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t gone hunting in 20 years!”

“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, “Don’t worry about that. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting.

This one is so Good!  Thanks to Pop Smith for sending it along:

A professor at the university asked his students the following question, “Everything that exists was created by God?”

The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid.

And that, my friends is that.  Until we meet again.  I hope you enjoyed this little bit longer version.