Yes, I know, it’s just after Thanksgiving, but a couple of things here…first, there are only 7 episodes left, counting this one, before Christmas!  Second, I have a TON of Christmas cartoons, memes, and stuff to share and I’d like to share those, plus the new ones I’m sure to get from you guys between now and then without having entire ezines filled with JUST Christmas stuff, and C, this is a wonderful holiday season, why not stretch it out and enjoy it?

Although, my own Izzy Dragon committed sacrilege on Thanksgiving Day and set up our Christmas Tree!  Now, she didn’t decorate it, other than putting lights on it, but she put it UP ON THANKSGIVING!  I told her she was a HEATHEN!

I’m in the middle of studying for my New Testament final for FBI.  This one is going to be a bit harder than the Theology one was.  It’s going to be on the Epistles of John (1, 2, & 3 John) and Revelation.  So, not ALL of the New Testament.  I’m not sure if I explained this or not, but this is a 6 semester course, and I started in the 6th semester.  Each semester has a section on the Old Testament, the New Testament, and Theology.  So, next semester I’ll be in semester 1 and I will graduate in the Spring of 2027.  I’m not sure what I will get for graduating other than the satisfaction of a job well done and the ABUNDANCE of knowledge that I am gaining and the sheer enjoyment, but … well … that is more than enough.

Anyway, I think at this point, it’s time to move on to the fun stuff, don’t you?  So …

Look for it, you’ll see it.

25 Hilarious Relationships Memes Only Long Term Married Couples Would Understand

I guess we started something with the optical illusions …. here’s a couple more

Okay, this one is seriously messed up!!!!

50 Cursed Randoms to Freak You Out

Okay, I just got this texted to me and I have to ask, is there anyone out there who is actually clicking on these links?  I just click the “Report Junk” button and move on, but I feel sorry for the guy who has that phone number because you know it’s spoofed.  He’s probably getting a ton of calls.  People please, you HAVE to know that any of these unsolicited text messages like this one are pure nonsense.  Just delete them.

~ Jean Kerr. 
The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

~ Prince Philip… 
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

~ Harrison Ford..   
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

~ Spike Milligan… 
The best cure for Seasickness is to sit under a tree.

~ Jean Rostand… 
Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger… 
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.

~ Johnny Carson… 
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

~ Steve Martin… 
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

~ Jimmy Durante…  
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

~ George Roberts… 
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

~ Jonathan Winters…   
If God had intended us to fly He would have made it easier to get to the airport.

~ Robert Benchley…   
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

~ John Glenn…   
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ David Letterman…   
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. 

~ Howard Hughes… 
I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire.  Actually, I’m a billionaire.

~ 
Old Italian proverb…  
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

I think that is an awesome idea!

Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on my father’s young peach tree for two years in a row. This spring Dad was ready. He replanted the sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped. 

One warm April day Dad was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and stopped to give our dog a drink from the garden hose. A neighbour watched the scene with amusement. “Frank,” he finally commented, “you’re the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!” 

I found this next one extremely interesting…

Okay, some of these are REALLY WEIRD!!

What a GREAT idea!  I’ve got to go out and buy one of those little bitty spray cans of WD-40.  Pocket sized.

Stumpy was visiting a friend in the hospital. He was trying to stop smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator. A lady said to him with a snarl, ‘Sir, there’s no smoking in here.’

Stumpy said, ‘I’m not smoking lady.’

‘But you have a cigar in your mouth,’ the woman said.

‘Lady, ‘ Stumpy answered, ‘I’ve got on Jockey shorts, too, but I’m not riding a horse.’ ” 

Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants’ toilet doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped. 

Recently my husband Dave wandered off in search of the men’s room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled “Bronco,” and the other was designated “Cactus.”

Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. “Excuse me; I need to use the toilet,” Dave said. Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, “Which one should I use?” 

“Actually, we would prefer you to go there,” the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked “Men.” “Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms.” 

Ned is down on his luck in Las Vegas. He has gambled away all his money and has to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men’s room. The stall happens to be open and he uses the dime in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his small winnings into a million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he is eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him. After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, “I’m that man. I was the one who gave you the dime.”

“You aren’t the one I’m looking for. I mean the guy who left the door open!”

This one is QUITE interesting!

“If you ever spent a Sunday with me instead of  playing golf I swear I would drop dead,” she screamed. 

“There’s no point in trying to bribe me,” replied the husband.

Nebraska Laws 

It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless  they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.

This next article is from Ted.  It’s a little dated, but worth reading nonetheless, if for no other reason, so that we know.

Students Who Were Booted from Kamala Rally for Saying ‘Jesus Is Lord’ Set the Record Straight

Don’t we all know people like that?

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.” 

-Joan Crawford ( ? – 1977)

Camping Tips

____________

* A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck. 

*You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks. 

*In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a sling- shot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear. 

*The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling. 

*Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read “Beat on a rock in stream.”

*It’s entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home. 

*Effective January 1, 2004, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to operate a Swiss Army Knife. 

*In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate. 

Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived. One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all.

Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. “Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read???” 

Goldblum shuddered. God went on. “I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word is strong!” Goldblum sighed with relief.

“Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?” Bauman hung his head in shame.

“Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I’m not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my people, but I can accept these indiscretions.” Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief. 

Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, “You, Rabinowitz, have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying…. “Closed for the Holidays !!!” 

I went shopping the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a traffic officer writing a parking ticket. 

So I went up to him and said ‘ Come on Pal, how about giving a guy a break?’ 

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. 

So I called him a pencil necked Nazi. 

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! 

So I called him a piece of horse dung. 

He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket!!! 

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. 

I didn’t care.  My car was parked around the corner…….

Okay, so something told me to check on this reference, mostly, I think because I just took my New Testament test this morning.  I got a 98%!  I missed one question.  It was a question that I argued with myself over because of the way it was worded.  Very confusing and it was circular logic by my thinking.  I marked it false because of the circular thinking of it and they said it was true.  Oh well.  I’m am PERFECTLY HAPPY with a 98!  

Anyway, something told me to check on this reference and I was right.  The reference above is only the threat or the negative portion.  They should have really said, “Revelation 21: 6-8”.  Here, I’ll show you what I mean.

⁶ He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. ⁷ Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children. ⁸ But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars—they will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.”

Verse 8 is the consignment to hell for those who, after the 7 year tribulation are still unbelievers and unrepentant.  Verse 6 speaks of eternal life and verse 7 are invited to the wedding.  Jesus is the Groom and the Church is the Bride.  And if we continue on from verse 8 we get a further description of the Bride of the Lamb.

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. 

They follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises.

So the assassins set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go. 

Noon comes, no dictator…10 minutes longer…no dictator.

One assassin turns to the other and says, “Gee, I hope nothing happened to him.”

How many of you out there remember this guy?

And with that my friends, we are done for another episode.  Until we meet again, may you be blessed with love and happiness, comfort and warmth.

Happy Thanksgiving my dear, dear friends and family.  We all have so much to be thankful for.  No matter how much we don’t like holidays, no matter how much we are not looking forward to the holidays, no matter how much pain the holidays cause us … and yes, I am describing myself in gruesome detail … but NO MATTER!

WE STILL HAVE SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR!

God has blessed me beyond all possible belief this year.  I have learned so much in FBI.  I’ve been blessed in the ministries that He’s allowed me to be a part of.  And He’s given me SO MANY opportunities to grow.

I’m thankful for my daughter and my son.  For my grandkids, and for all my extended families.  For all of you out there who care so much for me and mine, for my church family, and the men in jail who teach me so much, for the other members of my other ministries, and the other students in FBI.  For my work family and the men and women that I get to work and interact with on base.

Mostly I’m thankful for a Father in Heaven who gave us His only begotten Son as a sacrifice for our sins, so that we might spend eternity…forever, in Paradise, in Glorious Heaven with Him.

Now, I must confess that last episode I forgot something really important.  I forgot to show you where the circles were on the Coffer Illusion.  Remember this one?

And I told you I was going to show you were the circles were?  Okay, well, here’s the deal one more time for those of you who may have missed it.  This is called the Coffer Illusion.  There are 16 circles and once you see them, you’ll never be able to unsee them.  I told Lynn that I couldn’t see them and she told me to focus on the vertical lines between the squares and eventually, that made the circles pop out for me.

Now, for you guys, right after the first three memes, I’m going to circle where one of the circles are and if that doesn’t help you find them, then…well…I don’t know what to do for you.  So now, get ready for probably the largest Dragon Laffs to date!

Okay, here it is….

That’s where one of the 16 is.  And there are 15 more in the same place.  4 per row between the squares.  Good luck!

Okay, a little bit of background here…
First, this one is from Stephanie (Surprise, Surprise!)
Second, these really aren’t THAT Wild, Shocking, and Unbelievable as BuzzFeed may want you to believe.  I actually know about quite a few of these and I’m a nobody.
And third, a couple of these are pretty cool.

 

19 Wild, Shocking, And Unbelievable CIA Documents That Have Actually Been Declassified

Good question.  I’ll let you know if I get that old.

George Carlin from 1992!  

Watch this and laugh!!!!!

This one is from Lynn and it’s really cool!

This is what AI thinks Thanksgiving Dragon looks like:

I’m not really crazy about the “cutesy” coffee pictures, but I kinda like this one, so I kept it.

And for this next one, remember we talked about her in the last episode and Aussie Pete sent this along for this week.  Thanks Pete.

This one is from Stephanie and it’s just plain funny!

I’m not sure if I used that one before or not, so to be sure, I’m putting it in again.

Michigan Law

Any person over the age of 12 may have a license for a handgun as long as he/she has not been convicted of a felony

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT MOVIES 

One of a pair of identical twins is evil. 

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one. 

It doesn’t matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one… dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors. 

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue. 

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22. 

Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement. 

During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once. 

All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her. 

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops. 

It’s easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. 

If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, 
even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear. 

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty. 

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. 

“I know that smart-alec Tex,” said the first. “He’s going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back.” 

“Not Tex,” said the second. “He’ll always be just a good ol’ boy. When he walks in, I’m sure all he’ll say is hello.” 

“I know Tex better than any of you,” said the third. “He’s so smart, he’ll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now!”

Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, “Audi, partners!” 

On their way home after celebrating their 25th. anniversary, she thanks him for a wonderful evening.

“Oh. it’s not over yet”, says he.

Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box.

She opens it in anticipation, “But what are these two little pills?”

“Aspirin”, says he.

“But I don’t have a headache,” says she.

“There you are, I told you the evening wasn’t over yet,” says he.

I would try it.

What is the difference between bagpipes and an onion? 

Nobody cries when you chop the bagpipes into little pieces.

This is actually pretty cool for those of us who are interested in such things.

Count it out in your head…9 seconds!

And now a couple of others to round it out

How many of you got that one?  So, should I again, this year, play the YouTube of the episode that it comes from?

A guy meets a childhood pal. 

“What are you doing for yourself these days?” 

“I’m a fireman.” 

“Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman.” 

“Well, if you want some good advice, you’ve got to install in your house a pole that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, ’cause the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night.” 

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again. 

“Well, did your son become a fireman?” 

“No, but I have two daughters who are “dancers.” 

I love it when we reference back to an earlier joke.

Okay, this one is really pretty cool!

Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds a person down or polishes a person up depends on what one is made of.

Unknown

If the day before a holiday is called the Eve, is the day after a holiday called the Adam? 

Joe was visiting his elderly neighbor and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. 

Joe asked, “When did you bag him?” 

The old man said proudly, “That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife.” 

“What’s he stuffed with?” asked Joe. 

“My ex-wife,” replied the old man.

I’ve actually done that…well…it wasn’t a pie, it was a lasagna, but still…

Been There, Done That!

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60- year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!”

“Ah, that’s nothin’,” said the 70-year-old. When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”

“Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”

“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the 60-year-old.

“No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”

“Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?”

“No, I have one every morning at 6:30.”

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, “Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every  morning at 6:30. So what’s so tough about being 80?”

“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, “Son, come with me.” He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, “That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it’s paid for, we’ll get you a car.” The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, “Okay, Dad.” 

A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse … “as soon as that tractor is paid for…” 

Shortly, a few days later, son no. 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, ‘ol Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hens back, mumbling to himself the whole time. His dad says, “Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn’t do anything to you to deserve that!” 

The little boy looks Dad right square in the eye and says, “Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for. 

Okay, and just to finish up with some Thanksgiving stuff!

And with that my friends, I like to wish you all, a very Happy Thanksgiving.  May God Bless each of you with happiness, love, comfort, warmth, and family this day.  I am thankful for each and every one of you.  My love to you all!

Today is Friday night, although you are reading this on Monday morning.  Well, I don’t know really WHEN you are reading this, but the EARLIEST you could be reading this is Monday morning, how’s that?  Anyway, after all that, I forgot where I was going with that…

Anyway, I just caught up on my emails and got all my pictures filed in the folders they need to be in so that now I’m ready to put together the next issue and be as creative as I can be.  

Tomorrow, Saturday, I am spending the day with the Whelpling and his family so that means that I am gonna see my grandkids.  We are going to celebrate Thanksgiving with his family on since he has to work on Thursday.  I’m not sure how much of my daughter-in-law’s extended family is going to be there, but it should be a fun time.  Maybe I’ll share some pictures with you guys towards the end of this episode.

His dear wife, my DIL, when I asked her what I should bring, she said dessert.  And I knew from an earlier conversation on Facebook that I had seen that she didn’t want anyone bringing pumpkin pie because apparently last year, that’s all anyone brought.  There was a TON of pumpkin pie and nothing else.

When I mentioned this to her, she laughed and said, “No Dad, if you want to bring pumpkin pie, you can bring pumpkin pie.”  Which sounded an awful lot like, “The grandpa can bring anything the GRANDPA wants to bring!!!”  I told her, “No, I can find an ‘unusual’ dessert to bring.”

So, I am making sweet, crockpot bread pudding.  Never tried it in a crockpot before.  I’ll get up in the morning and throw it all together, take Izzy to work, by the time it’s time to leave for the hour and a half drive it ought to be about done, it will stay warm in the crockpot, and when I get there, I’ll plug it in and it will stay on warm.  I think it’s a good plan.

What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

While we all are contemplating that, why don’t we get started with laffs, shall we?

There’s a great story that goes along with this one.  Lynn sent this one and this is what she originally wrote: 

This is called the coffer illusion. There are 16 circles in this picture. 

Once you see them, you can’t unsee them.

After much staring and unfocusing my eyes, like you do with some pictures to make them 3D and such, I finally wrote back to her and said, “Well, I guess I just won’t be able to see them.”  So, Lynn writes back to me and says: 

Focus on vertical lines between each ‘square’.

💙

And I STILL can’t see any circles.  I take the picture to work on my phone and show it to my two guys at work.  After about 20 minutes, one of them says, “Well, in the corners of the squares I see little tiny dot like things, I’ll bet that’s what she meant.  But there’s a lot more than 16 of them.”  And I said then that’s just not … and WHAM!  They jumped out at me so hard!

And now, like she said, I can’t unsee them.

So, I want to know … how’d you do?  Can you see them?  I’ll put the outline of one of them a little farther back in the issue so you’ll know if you’re right or not, but trust me…you’ll KNOW when you see it for real.

The next link is from Stephanie (of course) and the title speaks for itself:

The Most Toxic Tree in the World Is Found in America, and Its 12,000x More Lethal Than a Rattlesnake

What happens to a little lamb that is rejected by its mother, it will hang its head so low it looks as if the lamb is beyond depressed ..!!! Every once in a while, a ewe will give birth to a lamb and reject it. There are lots of reasons she may do this. If the shepherd tries to return the lamb, the mother might even kick the baby away. Once a ewe rejects one of her lambs, she will never change her mind.

These little lambs will hang their heads so low that it looks like something is wrong with their little necks. Their spirits are broken.

These lambs are called “bummer lambs.” 

Unless the shepherd intervenes, that little lamb will die – rejected and alone. 

Do you know what the shepherd usually does?

The shepherd will take that rejected little lamb into their home, hand-feed it and keep it warm. They will wrap it up with blankets and hold it to their chest so the little lamb can hear their heartbeat. Once the lamb is strong enough, the shepherd will place it back in the field with the rest of the flock.

That sheep never forgets the shepherd’s love and care when their mother rejected them. When the shepherd calls for the flock, guess which sheep runs first? That sheep knows the shepherd’s voice.

The bummer lamb isn’t loved more, it just knows intimately the one who loves it. It trusts the shepherd because it has experienced love from the shepherd.

Many of us are bummer lambs. Rejected and broken. But Jesus is the good Shepherd. He cares for our every need and holds us close to His heart so we can hear His heartbeat.

We may be broken but we are deeply loved by the Shepherd who will never leave us.

~ Author Unknown

This one was sent to us by our dear friend Wouter from South Africa.

Amen!

“Snack holes” is PERFECT!!

“To This Day, I Still Have No Idea What I Was Thinking”: 25 Stories About The Dumbest Ways People Have Injured Themselves

Yup, it HAS to be free.  Otherwise none of us would EVER be able to pay for it.

“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”

     —Woody Allen

Jake had proposed to young Gina, and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law. 

“Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?” the older man asked the suitor. 

“Yes, sir,” replied Jake, “I’m sure I am.” 

“Think carefully now,” said Gina’s father. “There are twelve of us…”

Three Irishmen, drunk as can be, come staggering down the street, singing Danny Boy at the top of their lungs. They come to a stop in front of Flaherty’s house still singing. After a few minutes, the window flies open and Mrs. Flaherty yells out, “Why don’t you drunken sots go somewhere else.”

“Are ye Mrs. Flaherty?” asks one of the drunks.

“Faith now, ye know full well that I am,” says she.

“Well, could ye come down an’ tell us which one of us is your husband so the other two of us can go home.”

I have been that besotted.

Things To Think About . . . .


Do people in Australia call the rest of the world “up over”?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help “groups”?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn’t have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running child?

Sure!  Why not?  It works in our schools, in our prisons, … and the same thing happens.  Our wives and daughters will be abused, raped, or worse.  But our government thinks this is perfectly acceptable.  Because we don’t want to hurt the poor fox’s feelings.

Ahhh, but we have to admit how many times we have fallen…at least to God.  Part of repentance (and therefore forgiveness) is confession of our sins and how many times we have fallen.  No matter how hard it is, we must throw ourselves to our faces and confess to God that we have wronged Him.  It’s not like He doesn’t know already anyway.

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project – Steve,  Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, “Someone should go and tell his wife.”

Bluey says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, “Where did you get that, Bluey?”

“Steve’s wife gave it to me,” Bluey replies.

“That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?”

“Well not exactly,” Bluey says. “When she answered the door, I said to her,’You must be Steve’s widow’.

She said, ‘No, I’m not a widow.’

And I said, ‘I’ll bet you a case of Fosters you are’.”

You get those instances in life where you say to yourself, “I wonder what ever happened to …”  Trust me, as you get older, it happens more and more.  Well, this next one from Joe in NJ answers one of those questions for me…

That’s your warning call for Thursday!  And the next one…

Another interesting read from Stephanie

The Creepiest Haunted House in Every State

Society is doomed!

This is an old classic.  But it is terribly funny and well worth the read and I’m quite glad that it came back around again.  Thanks to Lynn for sending.

Wow, it’s amazing how many ways that one is wrong.

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said.

I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”

Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in walks a nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat. 

Astonished, one of them says,  “I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got shit-faced.” 

The nun continues to eat even though she obviously heard the exchange.

Being quick on the uptake the second one says, “My dad says he will marry my mother next year.” 

Despite this the nun stays right where she is.  Eager to get a response from the nun, the third one says, “My old man will never EVER marry my mother!” 

The nun looks up from her food and says, “Would one of you bastards please pass the salt?” 

Three kingdoms were in dispute over claims to an island in the middle of lake on which they all bordered. Finally, after exhausting all diplomatic options, the rulers of the three kingdoms decided to send their best knights to the island for a great battle, and the winning kingdom would have claim to the island forever.

On the night before the battle, the three knights rowed out to the island, each with a retinue of their best squires. Two of the groups of squires promptly got down to the business of polishing armor, sharpening weapons, and just generally making sure their respective knights were ready to face the others in the morning.

Meanwhile, the third squire tied a rope around the handle of a large kettle, hoisted it off the ground by a tree branch, and began cooking dinner, leaving his knight to tend to his own armor and weapons.

The battle, which began promptly at sunrise, was spectacular.

Three knights in gleaming armor clashed with razor-sharp weapons. On and on it raged, until all three knights were dead.
Since the conflict had not been resolved, the squires then engaged in a battle of their own, until the only squire left standing was the one who had hoisted up the kettle to cook dinner the night before.

The moral: “The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires on the other two sides!”

I really like that one.  It hurts me that some of you may not get it.

I got married,” said the first tavern regular, “so that I could get laid 3 or 4 times a week.”  

The other regular replied, “that’s strange; cuz that’s the reason why I got divorced!” 

Q: What’s the difference between husbands and prisoners? 

A: Prisoners complain behind bars.  Husbands complain in them.

And that is it my friends.  I look forward to talking to you on Thanksgiving.  May you all be blessed this week with Love and Happiness until we can meet again.

Not only is Friday not over yet…it hasn’t even STARTED yet!  

Okay, here’s the deal.  This is going to be the fastest DL ever put out.  I only have a couple of hours to get this together.  It is Tuesday evening and my Wednesday is completely covered.  So, whatever I get done tonight is what you guys get.

So, I think what I’m going to do, is just cut and paste a bunch of memes, don’t worry about the jokes in between and call that an issue.  At least that way you guys will get something to laugh at and we’ll try for better next time.

Ready?

Let’s Go!

Okay, you didn’t get all the writing when this video was converted, so I’ll tell you here.  This Dad, dropped the baby, caught the ball, then caught the baby and the baby’s bottle, and did it all without spilling his beer.  I say, Dad of the Year!

That’s it, I’m done, I’m outta here!  Until next time.  God Bless you all.

So, the videos worked.

That’s nice.

I appreciate all the people who wrote and gave me feedback and told me that they worked.  Thanks…

That was sarcasm…

Nobody wrote and told me.

In fact, no one has written and told me anything in quite a while.

You guys are getting sick and tired of me bitchin’ about stuff.  I don’t blame you.  I’m gettin’ sick and tired of me bitchin’ about stuff, too. 

So, I’m going to give you guys some good news.  Then I’m going to move on to the fun stuff.  And I guess when I get tired of enough of doing this in a vacuum I’ll quit.

I took my Theology final for this semester.  For FBI (Faith Bible Institute).  It was the first final test I had taken for them, so I was a little scared, not knowing what to expect.  You get half your points from doing your homework on time and showing up for class every week and the other half comes from the three semester tests each semester.  You get one on theology, one on the old testament and one on the new testament.  So, I got all the homework and attendance points.  The test was 50 questions and you had 55 minutes to complete it.  I missed 3, so that’s a 94% or an A.  A solid A.  Next week I take the New Testament test and then two weeks after that, the Old Testament test.  If I fail any one of them in the three years, I immediately get dropped out.  It’s a pretty tough course.  I’m having a blast!!!

Now…

Ouch!  Coming home from class last night in the dark, I travel the back roads and cross over the Mississinewa Damn and there must’ve been 30 deer I saw.  In the road, beside the road…and they all gave me dirty looks as I went by.  Like they were saying, “Look pal.  Didn’t you see the state forest sign back there?  Don’t you know what that means?  That means this is OUR land.  Yeah, that’s right!  Keep driving, pal.  You don’t want to be stopping ’round here!”

Okay, these next people be NUTS!  Thanks to Stephanie for sharing

Nope, I’m 100% sure I would have the exact same stupid idea in my head as well.

A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and ailing. 

The man and nun started talking and she asked about his life. He talked about his wife and 13 children. 

“My, my,” said the nun, “13 children….you’re a good, proper Catholic family. The Lord is very proud of you!” 

“I’m sorry, Sister,” he said, “I am not Catholic. I’m Jewish.” 

“Jewish!?” she replies. “Hmmm….you’re a sex maniac, aren’t you?”

I’m sorry, but this cracked me up!

Okay, so some of these are old, but some are very clever and most are quite funny.  If you put that all together, they are perfect for us.

THOUGHTS FOR A DAY….. 


1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. 

2. There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt. 

3. When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. 

4. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain. 

6. A penny saved is a government oversight. 

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. 

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. 

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 

10. He who hesitates is probably right. 

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 

13. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble. 

14. Did you ever notice: When you put the two words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “THEIRS”? 

He is so cute!

And ladies…you ever want to know what it’s like to be a man?  Let me let these three bulls demonstrate for you…

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. 

The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.” 

The second bull says, “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight ‘im till I run him off or kill ‘im, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.” 

The third bull says, “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.” 

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, “Ahem…You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.” 

The second bull says, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.” 

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm. 

The first bull says, “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.” 

The third bull says, “Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’M a bull!”

And that’s everything you will ever need to know about “men” rolled up in one nice neat little joke.

I so wish that was a video.  I’d really like to see that bubble explode.

This one so made me angry.  If I read the headline correctly, SHE hit Him.  He looks at least a little injured.  And now she wants to sue him or presumably his parents for scratching her car.  Now, I don’t know if that’s the way it happened or not, but that sounds a bit entitled to me.

This next one is way too funny…and not really surprising at all.

Stuck in traffic in the USA for what felt like eons,I couldn’t help but notice the licence plate on the car in front of me. It read; BAA BAA.

I was clueless until I looked at the vehicle the plate was attached to it was a: Black Jeep

Especially with picture proof.  I’d have to give him a pass on that one.

I have no idea how they do it.  My dogs just made me jump out of my skin.  They bark at the mailman every day.  Now, I live on a fairly busy major road and the mail comes usually in the early afternoon when traffic is pretty regular.  Depending on who’s running our route it could be one of several different vehicles, none of which are old or have distinctive knocks or sounds … at least to MY ear.  They go down my side of the street first and then several hours later, the opposite side of the street.  They don’t bark at any of the other hundreds of cars and trucks and motorcycles that make all kinds of racket all day (and night) long, nor do they bark at any of the neighbors, except the neighbors immediately to my right when they park high up on the driveway instead of pulling all the way down and they slam their car doors.  That’s the only time.  They crazy people across the street make all kinds of noise day and night, but unless they cross the threshold of my property…nothing from the dogs.

But when the mailman delivers mail across the street in his silent, close to brand new vehicle, with traffic going up and down the highway, where they can’t even SEE him, they bark like Mexicans are coming over the wall at the Alamo.  It is truly amazing.

And now, I’ll be right back, after I go change my shorts, cause they scared the girl scout cookies right out of me!  You guys keep reading.

Joe from NJ sent this in an email a little while back:  “I’m trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.”  That’s really tough, Joe.

When the bookie asked the veteran horse player the secret of his consistent success, the gambler provided a simple explanation.  “I’m just lucky, I guess.  I turn to the racing page, close my eyes and stick a pin in it,” he said. 

“Lucky!” the bookie exclaimed in disbelief.  “But how did you pick this four-horse combination?” 

“Well,” the gambler admitted, “I didn’t have a pin, so I used a fork.” 

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. 

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. 

As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, “It’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in first aid.” 

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. 

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, “When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.” 

My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three.

When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed.

Wanting to find out what was the matter, his mother asked, “Chris, what happened today to upset you so much?” 

He answered, “It’s not fair —  I’m not allowed to go to the library.” 

His mother became very concerned and asked, “Why aren’t you allowed to go to the library?” 

With a tearful reply he said, “Because, in order to go to the library you have to have supervision, and I wear glasses 

I don’t know what his problem is today, but I feel as though I can sympathize.

Not sure if this next clip is one to brag about or not, but it is interesting

Another really interesting clip…again, thanks to Joe from NJ

An Israeli soldier who had only just enlisted asked his Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO said, “Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that kind of recognition!” 

The very next day the soldier came back driving an Arab tank! 

The CO was very impressed and gave the soldier his 3-day pass. 

One of the other new recruits took him aside and asked how he had managed to single-handedly capture an Arab tank. 

“Simple” said the soldier, I jumped in one of our tanks and headed towards the border. As I approached the border, I saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. Then I said to the Arab soldier, ‘How would you like to get a 3-day pass?’

“So we exchanged tanks!” 

There was a husband who was in the habit of taking the family dog for a nice long walk each evening.

It was good exercise for both of them, his wife felt, and the dog became so used to the routine that it positively drooled to be taken out on schedule every night.

So when her husband was sick one evening, the wife took the dog out instead.

To her surprise the dog pulled vigorously at the leash and led her around the block to a house around the corner and began to scratch at the door.

A female voice called out, “I won’t be a minute, darling.”

Soon the door was opened by an attractive young woman in a negligee, and the dog dashed in straight to a dish of meat that was waiting for him — obviously as usual. 

And (like I just told Izzy after reading that last one to her) if that’s the way it was now, absolutely everyone who complied with that would be more than welcome.  Assimilate, get a job, pay the same taxes that the rest of us pay.  Swear allegiance to America.

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete’s abilities. 

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, 

“Oops, gotta run!” 

Okay, so this one comes from Joe from NJ.  I can tell you that this is definitely a good, down home Jersey de-stressing technique, taught to us from a young age at our daddy’s knee…

Just in case you’ve had a rough day, here is an 8-Step stress management technique recommended in the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works ; I tried it! 

1.  Picture yourself near a stream. 

2.  Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air. 

3.  No one but you knows your secret place. 

4.  You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called “the world.” 

5.  The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. 

6.  The water is crystal clear. 

7.  You can easily make out the face of the person you’re holding underwater. 

8.  See, you’re smiling already.

Oh…oh wait!  It says PICTURE yourself…disregard what I said at the beginning.

Some of you may not get that one…back when I was a kid, we used to have these afternoon cartoons that actually tried to TEACH us something.  They were called … come on all you old folks, say it with me, “Schoolhouse Rock”!  This one is called, the Bill on the Hill

And this one is probably the most famous… Conjunction Junction!

I could sit and watch them all day.  LOL!

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an  organization… 

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. 

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a  spoon in his shirt pocket. 

hen  I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?” 

“Well,”he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes.  

After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3  spoons per table per hour. 

If our  personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to  the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. 

“I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making  an extra trip to get it right now.” 

I was impressed. And I also noticed that there was a string hanging out  of the waiter’s fly. 

Looking  around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from  their flies. 

So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you  tell me why you have that string  right there?” 

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so  observant. That consulting firm I  mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. 

By tying  this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need  to wash our hands, shortening  the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.” 

“After you get it out, how do you put it back?” 

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the  spoon.”

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds up during the day. 


BREAKFAST: 
1 grapefruit 
1 slice whole-wheat toast 
1 cup skim milk 


LUNCH: 
Small portion lean, steamed chicken 
Cup of spinach 
Cup herbal tea 
1 Hershey kiss 


AFTERNOON TEA: 
The rest of the kisses in the bag 
Tub of Hagen Daas ice cream with Chocolate-chip topping 


DINNER: 
4 bottles of wine (red or white) 
2 loaves garlic bread 
1 family size supreme pizza 
3 snickers bars 


LATE NIGHT SNACK: 
Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer) 


REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS “DESSERTS” 

In today’s Last Word, I want to brag on Izzy.  She tried her hand at making Chicken Tetrazzini.  This was something that one of the girls she works with had made at home and brought in for her lunch that Izzy got to try.  The other lady sent her the recipe and when we went to Kroger today, we got the ingredients and she made it (with my help) and this is what it looked like… 

I am currently, as I’m writing this, finishing up my portion, and I have to say, it is absolutely delicious!  ★★★★★  I am stuffed full, but am seriously considering going back for more.  So, in the meantime, let me just say:

May the Good Lord Bless you and Keep you, may He cause His face to smile down upon you and may you be filled with joy and happiness until we meet again.