Well, today is Sunday and I’m just now starting Monday’s episode. Not because I haven’t wanted to, but because I’ve been sick.
I’m still sick.
I actually went to the Immediate Care yesterday morning, where I was tested for the flu and for covid and came back negative for both. Turns out I have the same upper respiratory, nasal infection thing that’s going around.
Stayed home from church. But the nice thing is that I can watch the livestream from home. I can throw it from my phone to the TV and watch it on my big screen. Modern technology is marvelous.
So, I don’t know how much input I’ll have in this issue. Pretty much on autopilot right now, but we’ll see. So, let’s get this started.
This next one is special from our dear friend from down-under…Aussie Pete.
Got a quick email from Kathy about one of the things in our last issue…
The part that really got me was the cat knocking over a bowl full of eggs! Do you know the price of eggs nowadays??? I would have killed that cat!!! LOL!
Thanks Kathy, I agree with you 100%. I’d have killed that darn cat, straight out!
Always making friends
USELESS INFO
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Coca-Cola was originally green. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It is impossible to lick your elbow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:Alaska ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this…) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour:61,000 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The youngest pope was 11 years old. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades – King David, Hearts – Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds – Julius Caesar ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
Moshe wants to buy a parrot and goes to his local pet shop to see what they have.
The assistant shows him a parrot and explains that this one is really quite special — it can speak most languages.
So Moshe decides to test this out: “Do you speak English?” asks Moshe.
“Yes,” replies the parrot.
“Hablas Espanol?” asks Moshe. “Si,” replies the parrot.
“Parlez-vouz Fransais?” asks Moshe. “Oui,” replies the parrot.
“Sprechen sie Deutsch?” asks Moshe. “Jawohl,” replies the parrot.
“Falas Portugues?” asks Moshe. “Sim,” replies the parrot.
Moshe pauses for a while, then asks the parrot, “Do you speak Yiddish?”
The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says, “Nu? Vis a nose like dis, vot you tink?”……
1. Men know that Mother Nature’s best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman. 2. Men know that PMS is Mother Nature’s way of telling you to get out of the house. 3. Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win. 4. Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted. 5. Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game. 6. Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them. 7. Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself. 8. Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get pissed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them. 9. Men know that it’s never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed. 10. Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.
Leah D. sent me this next one and I want to say a special thank you to her for this. The subject was “Dedicated to you”. Now, I’m mostly way behind in my emails, as most of you know, but I’m trying to catch up and mostly have. This one I wish I had seen earlier, but maybe I saw it just when I needed to see it. Leah, my dear friend, thank you for this. It helped me a great deal. Truly it did. I, in turn, would like to say that this is dedicated to my dear, sweet Mary, whom I miss very much. I know she is in a wonderful place. A place so wonderful in fact, that words can’t possibly describe it. But, that doesn’t stop me from missing her everyday and looking forward to the day that we’ll be back together again. This then is The Sweetest Gift by the Piano Guys (whom I like very much) featuring Craig Aven. Please listen.
And I think right there is where I’ll end this episode. Thanks to everyone who contributed to its contents and May God Bless you and keep you until we meet again.
Today is Friday and depending on how quickly I get this issue done, you may get this one on Saturday, Sunday, or Monday when it’s due. I only have one thing scheduled for today and very little else that needs to be done. I want to run to the bank and cash a check so I can forward the money on to Izzy’s friend at work who lost her house before Christmas in a fire. One of our dear readers sent me a check for that purpose and I’ll cash it and send the money to work with Izzy so she can have the cash. You guys are so good and so generous it is amazing to me.
I should probably go and do that sooner rather than later. I also need to study for my group session tonight, since it will only be me teaching instead of the three of us. So, I guess I do have a bit to do today. So, let me run and get that taken care of and I’ll be right back. In the meantime, you guys laugh at a few of these memes that I have lined up for you.
Three guys went into business for themselves. Said the first, “I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I’m the president and chairman of the board.”
“I put up thirty percent of the money,” said the second, “so I’m appointing myself vice president, secretary, and treasurer.”
“Well I put up five percent,” pointed out the third partner.
“What’s that make me?”
The chairman said, “I’m appointing you vice president of music.”
“That sounds mighty fine,” said the third man, “but what does it mean?”
“It means what when I want your advice, I’ll whistle.”
THE TRUTH
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.
4) You’ve never quite sure whether it’s ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80’s has entered the digits 71077345 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you’re drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) Your never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup a soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) It’s impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as school child is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) It’s impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There’s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you’ve got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don’t drive slam car doors too hard
32) You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
A couple trying to break into society hosted an elegant and expensive dinner party. As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon’s mid-section.
The hostess decided to fill the eaten portion with some canned salmon and other camouflage. As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, “Madam, the cat is dead.”
The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped Not wishing to risk food-poisoning, all the guests rushed to the hospital emergency ward and underwent the unpleasant task of having their stomachs pumped.
Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat. “It is still out on the road where the car ran over it.”
Can you imagine the embarrassment of having to make that call to 911?
Happy New Year! It’s almost that time!
One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked, “Where did mommy go?”
In answer to his questions, I told him, “Mommy is at a Tupperware party.” This explanation satisfied him for only a moment.
Puzzled, he asked, “What’s a Tupperware party, Dad?”
I’ve always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation would be the best approach.
“Well, son,” I said, “at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other.”
He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime. Then he burst into laughter.
“Come on, Dad,” he said. “What is it really?”
After months of negotiation with the local government, a Jewish scholar from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat.
At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought: “This fellow doesn’t look like a peasant, and if he isn’t a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, the Jewish district.”
“On the other hand, if he is a Jew where could he be going? I’m the only one in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow. Wait – just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and you don’t need special permission to go there.”
“But why would he be going to Samvet? He’s probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there and there are just two of them – the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs.”
“But why is he going? The Steinbergs have no sons and three daughters, so maybe he’s their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be Sarah’s husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I’m not mistaken.”
“But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What’s the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed his name he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University.”
At this point the scholar turns to the young man and said, “How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?”
“Very well, thank you, sir” answered the startled passenger. “But how is it that you know my name?”
“Oh,” replied the scholar, “it was obvious”.
VIRUS ALERT!
TO: ALL USERS SUBJECT: VIRUS ALERT! There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propagated through the email system. If you get an email message with the subject: “VIRUS ALERT!” do not open the mail message. If you do, the virus scrambles the second half of every text file on your system.
VERY IMPORTANT: If you do get this virus, the first thing dlkfjaid dfdjas nairb gfdq40wt yaj asdfsdg dluog av da agj asdfajpg as dflasidffnm asd difvu asdfa vgoiae vdsofj we dasdf 9efm sd dag0 g adf as dg 0vbwe ads gwefawe ads vewerwe dsf!
And you can see that going on today.
This is well worth the watch! Thanks to Chris!
Part 2, Washington’s second dream…also from Chris!
And Chris is also sending us some Puns and one-liners…
“Dad, guess what? I’ve just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who’s been married for 30 years.”Father: “Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you’ll get a speaking part.”
Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl. When she noticed me, we went for a run.
I heard an interesting show about how to plant peas. It was a podcast.
My husband and I have agreed to never go to bed angry with each other. So far, we’ve been up for three days.
My new stair lift is driving me up the wall!
I couldn’t keep my eyes off the woman at the construction site. She was riveting.
I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.
I paid way too much for what I thought were real alligator shoes – it turned out they were Crocs.
Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?
Just got a new job as a church bell ringer. It’s my first day so they’re just showing me the ropes.
I just heard they won’t be making rulers any longer.
Did you hear about the math teacher who’s afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
The restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous…So many of my first dates have gone to use them and vanished!
Fun Fact: Australia’s biggest export is boomerangs. It’s also their biggest import.
Went to the ballet last night and all those women dancing were on their tiptoes – it made me wonder why they didn’t just find taller women.
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS ~ WOMANS VIEW
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen; I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin. I’ve been here for hours; I can’t stop to rest. This room’s a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I’ve got thirty people to feed. They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need! My feet are both blistered; I’ve got cramps in my legs. The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There’s a knock at the door and the telephones ringing Frosting drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging. Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done; My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs. I’ve had alI I can stand, I cant take anymore; Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady; Then grins as he chuckles “The eggnog is ready!” He looks all around and with total regret, Says “What’s taking so long, aren’t you through in here yet ??”
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife; He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life! He flees from the room in terror and pain And screams “MY GOD WOMAN, YOU’RE GOING INSANE!!”
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell? Oh damn, it’s the pies!! They’re burned all to hell I hate to admit when I make a mistake, But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE. What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead?? If this is good living, I’d rather be dead.
Lord, don’t get me wrong; I love holidays; It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed. But I promise you one thing, if I live till next year, You wont find me pulling my hair out in here. I’ll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter; And if that doesn’t work, I’LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!
Right now in Spain, it’s the annual Running of the Bulls. Followed, of course, by the Soiling of the Pants and then the Burying of the Idiots.
It was an extremely hot day and the sergeant in charge of bayonet drill at an Army base was trying hard to get his listless men to attack the stuffed dummies with more energy.
Finally he halted the drill and said: “Listen, men, those dummies are your enemy. They have burned your houses and killed your parents. They carried away your sisters, stole all your money and drank all of the whiskey in the house.”
The sergeant then stepped back and motioned the recruits forward toward the row of dummies. The line surged ahead with new purpose.
The men with grim looks on their faces showed eagerness to attack.
One recruit, his eyes stern and his lips, drawn back over his teeth in a snarl, paused to ask:
“Sergeant, which one drank the whiskey?”
Two chefs in Boston who were competing for the title of “Finest Fish Fryer.”
Their talents were about equal, their dishes equally excellent.
However, at the last moment one of the chefs glazed his entry and won the title.
“Alas!” lamented the other, “There but for the glaze of cod go I!”
Never try to outwit a woman unless you are one.
Anon
A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. “No problem,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.
Farther on down the line, the second engine broke down, and the train slowed to a dead stop. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
“Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.”
And with that we’re going to call it an issue and push it out on Saturday! For an extra special weekend for you guys! My present to you. May you all be blessed with joy and happiness until we meet again!
So, what is normal? Normal is things back to the way they usually are.
But Impish, the way things usually are is pretty abnormal!
Right! So, for us, that’s normal.
So, abnormal is normal?
Yes.
Yes?
Yes. Why can’t you take “yes” for an answer?
Um…because…um…since…um…nevermind. Normal.
Right. ‘swhat I said. Normally abnormal. Or would that be abnormally normal? See! Now you’ve got me confused!
Wasn’t my intention.
Well, good job! You did it anyway! Now what am I gonna do?!?! Geez! Look, let’s just get into the funny stuff and hopefully all of this will work itself out as we go along.
Oh good. The government will figure it out now.
Well, if that last is an example of Government work … maybe they won’t figure out the drone thing.
A police lieutenant rescued an abandoned infant over 20 years ago and was overwhelmed with joy on reuniting with him.
Okay, just drop me off here. You can come round and pick me back up tomorrow…late tomorrow. I might be done by then.
1 jar of peanut butter, 1 tree killed.
That is so weird! I wonder what it is that he was burning.
This was me at last year’s New Year’s Party.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
– Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
Freaked Out Insecure Neurotic Emotional
Who me? I’m fine, too.
When his eyes began to give him trouble, a man went to a ophthalmologist in Prague.
The doctor showed the patient the eye chart, displaying the letters CVKPNWXSCZ.
“Can you read that?” the doctor asked.
“Can I read it?” the Czech replied. “I dated his sister!”
Yup! Every single day at work for me! As I am writing this, I am celebrating the golden anniversary of my 16th birthday!
And there is the problem in a nutshell. When you give in to the sins of the body and don’t live for the spirit you run into this every single time. You are free to do whatever you want, but not everything you want is going to uplift you spiritually. What doesn’t uplift you spiritually is going to drive you towards death. Not the bodily death. We are all going to face that some day, but the spiritual death, which is the separation of your spirit from God.
God gave us free will, so we can do whatever we want, because He wants us to love Him and worship Him freely. Not because we are told to. Not because we have to. But because we WANT to. Do you want your children to love you because you told them to love you or because you forced them to love you? Of course not. Neither does God.
Don’t you try to teach your children that there are consequences for their actions? Well, I’ll grant you that there seem to be a lot of parents out there who haven’t taught their children that lesson properly. If they had, there wouldn’t be as many problems in the world AND they wouldn’t be so quick to defend their children’s moronic behavior. I use as exhibit #1, the mother who had this to say on camera (and I’m paraphrasing here), “It’s terrible when a mother has to be so worried about her son being shot while robbing a convenience store…” as if robbing a convenience store is an everyday acceptable practice for a young man to partake in!
But for the rest of us, don’t we try to teach our children that there are consequences for our actions? And don’t we think that God is telling us of the consequences of our actions here on earth?
He is…
It’s all in the book. Look it up.
Don’t give in to the wants and desires of the body. Why do you think Satan made them feel so good? If they felt bad, they’d be easy to avoid.
Okay, let me climb back down off this soapbox and we’ll continue on.
A Swedish man was bored. He was bored with his work, bored with his life in general. He felt as there was nothing waiting for him in this life… …until one day, at the breakfast table, he was reading the morning paper, when he saw an article, which would change his life.
It said: ” …Scientist’s had found out, that somewhere in Africa, one could still find tribes of genuine cavemen, untouched by civilization. Only thing needed was to find the correct cave and shout “Wohoo!!” and the tribe would answer to this call.” “This is it!” the swede thought. “This is what I’ve been waiting for! I’ll sell everything I own, go to Africa, find these cavemen, and become rich and famous!”
And so he did. He sells everything, moves to Africa and starts looking for the tribe. But cave after cave after cave, no answer. No cavemen.
Until one day, yet another cave, and another yell: “Juhuuu!!” And then he heard it! ” WWOOOOUU WOOOOOO !!!! ”
“Härregud!” The Swede thought, “A whole tribe!” And just as he was starting to run to the cave, he thought: “Now wait a minute. These are cavemen. They don’t wear any clothes, and I might scare then off.” So he stripped his clothes off quickly, and started to run into the cave.
The following day, he was in the headlines all over the world: “Naked Swede run over by a train in Africa”
And THAT…in one little gif, could be the whole story of my life!
Joey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire hall.
Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him.
The fire chief asked little Joey, “What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?”
Joey replied promptly, “I don’t put them on.”
Gentlemen: I have been traveling On trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly, A Commuter
Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely, The Railway
Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years.
In Pennsylvania Station in New York the ticket Inspector was having difficulty with a pair of soldiers. Hearing the commotion, a young lieutenant hastened to the scene.
“What’s the matter here?” he asked.
“These two soldiers,” complained the railway employee, “insist on going through the gate without tickets.”
“I’ll handle this, said officer. Turning to the soldiers, he commanded, “Forward march!” he led them through the gate and onto the train. “All right,” he advised the G.I’s, “at ease!”
“Say, Lieutenant, thanks a lot,” said one of the soldiers.
He shrugged, “Don’t mention it. I don’t have a ticket either.
A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when Little Johnny, covered in soot said to him respectfully, “Sir, can you tell me the time?”
The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, “It is a quarter to three, young man.”
“Thanks,” said Johnny. “At exactly three o’clock you can kiss my ass.”
With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him.
He has not been running long when an old friend stopped him. “Why are you running like this at your age?” asked the friend.
Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, “That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!”
“So what’s your hurry?” said the friend. “You still have ten minutes.”
Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work. “Guess what, mate,” says the first IT guy, “yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar.”
“What did you do?” says the other IT guy.
“Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off.”
“You’re kidding me!” says the second IT guy.
“I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop.”
“Really? You got a new laptop?”
I had no idea what a cut shell was until I watched this.
New York, Greene law
During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks.
That’s WAY too specific not to have been enacted for a particular person or reason.
The weather was very hot and a man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake.
He didn’t bring his swimming outfit, but He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.
Then one of the ladies said: ‘You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.’
‘Impossible’, said the embarrassed man, ‘You really know what I think?’
‘Yes’, the lady replied, ‘Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you’re holding has a bottom.’
Well that’s great…but I STILL don’t know what it is.
No kidding. And it will slap you in the face like the back of your lover’shand.
A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue – including the ticket inspector on the train.
He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.
When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.
“No,” I confessed.
“Then that explains,” she said, “why you didn’t bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train.”
What a truly marvelous way of looking at things. And what a truly marvelous place to stop. May you all have a blessed day and be happy and safe until we meet again.
Merry Christmas! This is it! Christmas Day! There will be no issue tomorrow, Thursday, instead this one will be dedicated entirely to Christmas…except for the parts that aren’t. I’m going to try and put as many of the remaining memes and cartoons in here as I can. And then I will see you again … when I see you.
One of my daughter’s wedding presents was a toaster oven.
Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out.
Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster.
“Get the owner’s manual!” my daughter’s husband shouted.
“I can’t find it anywhere!” cried my daughter a short time later.
“Oops!” came a voice from the kitchen. “Well, the toast is fine, but the owner’s manual’s burned to a crisp.”
A Toddlers Crede
If it is on, I must turn it off. If it is off, I must turn it on. If it is folded, I must unfold it. If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled. If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared. If it is high, it must be reached. If it is shelved, it must be unshelved. If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed. If it has leaves, they must be picked. If it is plugged, it must be unplugged. If it is not trash, it must be thrown away. If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor. If it is closed, it must be opened. If it does not open, it must be screamed at. If it has drawers, they must be rifled. If it is a crayon, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table. If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied. If it is empty, it will be more interesting full. If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon. If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead. If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon. If Mommy’s hands are full, I must be carried. If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone. If it is paper, it must be torn. If it has buttons, they must be pressed. If the volume is low, it must go high. If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor. If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon. If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth. If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force. If it is a phone, I must talk to it. If it is a bug, it must be swallowed. If it doesn’t stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor. If it is not food, it must be tasted. If it IS food, it must not be tasted. If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water. If it is a carseat, it must be protested with arched back. If it is Mommy, it must be hugged. I am toddler!
There is this couple celebrating their 20th anniversary.
The husband decides to do something special for his wife. So he gets up early to make her breakfast in bed. When the wife wakes up, she is totally amazed.
“Oh John, thank you so much. I didn’t expect this!”
The husband than tells her that he has another surprise, but for that she must wear a blindfold.
So the woman is blindfolded and the man leads her the way. Twelve hours later John tells his wife to take off the blindfold.
She takes it off and is totally stunned and very excited she shouts: “Oh John…. !!!! We are in Paris, aren’t we ??!! This is the best gift you could ever give me! What can I expect when we have our 40th anniversary??!!”
“Well that’s quite simple,” John answers…… “That’s when I come to pick you up again!”
A survey of personnel executives at 200 of the Fortune 1,000 companies provided the following unbelievable but true examples of job applicant behavior.
“The reason the candidate was taking so long to respond to a question became apparent when he began to snore.”
“When I asked the candidate to give a good example of the organizational skills she was boasting about, she said she was proud of her ability to pack her suitcase ‘real neat’ for her vacations.”
“Why did (the applicant) go to college?” His reply: “To party and socialize.”
“When I gave him my business card at the beginning of the interview, he immediately crumpled it and tossed it in the wastebasket.”
“I received a resume and letter that said that the recent high-school graduate wanted to earn $25 an hour-‘and not a nickel less.'”
“(The applicant) had arranged for a pizza to be delivered to my office during a lunch-hour interview. I asked him not to eat it until later.”
“(The applicant) said she had just graduated cum laude, but she had no idea what cum laude meant. However, she was proud of her grade point average. It was 2.1.”
“(The applicant) insisted on telling me that he wasn’t afraid of hard work. But insisted on adding he was afraid of horses and didn’t like jazz, modern art, or seafood.”
“She actually showed up for an interview during the summer wearing a bathing suit. She said she didn’t think I’d mind.”
“He sat down opposite me, made himself comfortable, and proceeded to put his foot up on my desk.”
“The interview had gone well, until he told me that he and his friends wore my company’s clothing whenever they could. I had to tell him that we manufactured office products, not sportswear.”
“(The applicant) applied for a customer service position, although, as he confided, he really wasn’t a people person.”
“Without asking if I minded, he casually lit a cigar and then tossed the match onto my carpet-and couldn’t understand why I was upset.”
“On the phone, I had asked the candidate to bring his resume and a couple of references. He arrived with the resume-and two people
This one is a LOT of fun!!!!
And in the same vein…
I had to throw that one in, even if it’s not Christmasy…
“Not as big as I thought but I’m female and have been lied to all my life about the size of stuff.”
I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative’s wedding.
As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked, “Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?”
And if you didn’t tell him, “Yes! Absolutely!” Then you, as a grandpa, missed out on a great opportunity!
6 Pray for the peace of Jerusalem: they shall prosper that love thee.
7 Peace be within thy walls, and prosperity within thy palaces.
You know, there were very few things that upset my ex-wife.
It makes me feel rather special to have been one of them.
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. “What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?” he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. “Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?” asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied: “A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards.”
“Why’s that Timmy?”
“Well,” answered Timmy, “the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration…”
“And what about the deck of cards?” asked the Scout Master impatiently. “Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, “Put that red nine on top of that black ten!”
We’ve just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office.
Five of the six have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.
Our agent advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member,Bin Workin, at your office.
Security is confident that anyone who looks like he’s Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
You are obviously not a suspect at this time.
I can almost not see the T-Rex’s anymore!
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no – he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away.
The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the fluckin’ flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr.Miller is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
The police have his driver’s license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find the police car, lights still flashing.
True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)
Suspecting her husband was having an affair with the maid, a wife thought of a way to take him by surprise.
One Friday, she gave the maid the day off. That night, she went into the maid’s room, turned off all the lights, slipped into the maid’s bed and waited.
A couple of hours later, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid’s bed beside her.
After several passionate kisses, the wife suddenly sat up, switched on a light and asked, “Surprised?”
“You bet I am, ma’am,” stammered the nervous chauffeur.
When a toothpaste company got into trouble because of the amount of fluoride that their product contained, they decided to hold an open house at their factory to reduce public concern.
Unfortunately, one of the touring groups accidentally became locked in the refrigerated storeroom, where they all died.
The following day, the local newspaper headline exclaimed,
“Tooth Company Freeze a Crowd.”
A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.
One Sunday he announced, “Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin’s henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn’t want money from a thief!”
The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.
Never argue with an idiot – folks might not be able to tell the difference.
When I met April, I asked her if she knew the difference between sex and a conversation.
“No.”
“Good. Lie down. I wanna talk to you.”
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.
Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking helped.
His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy’s ear. Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father’s hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, “Do it again, Dad!”
xr:d:DAFQNcWGhgg:91,j:135196603,t:22120810
A normally even-tempered husband sometimes becomes agitated when doing handyman jobs around the house. One afternoon he completed an especially difficult job of installing and venting a cooker hood.
The next day his son was inspecting the hood and noticed that it vented into the attic. “Why didn’t you finish the job and run the vent pipe on up through the roof?” he asked.
“I would have,” his father answered, “but I ran out of swear words.”
A man who was buying a sports shirt found the largest size too snug.
“Where do I go from here?” he asked the svelte young woman who was helping him.
“To the gym,” she replied.
I was playing tooth fairy when my daughter suddenly woke up.
Seeing the money in my hand, she cried out, “I caught you!”
I froze and tried to think of an explanation for why I, instead of the tooth fairy, was putting the money under her pillow but her next words let me off the hook.
“You put that money back!” she said indignantly. “The tooth fairy left that for me!”
We all know those cute little computer symbols called smileys, where 🙂 means a smile and 😦 is a frown.
Here are a few you might now know about but come in really handy:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_o_) an ass that’s been around
(_O_) an ass that’s been around even more
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
(_E=mc^2_) A smart ass
Well, my dear friends, I got to the end of my list. I didn’t use all of them, but I got the important ones. Right now, I’d like to say a really big
To everyone who contributed to this issue and to those who wished me a happy birthday yesterday. It was very much appreciated.
May God Bless you and keep you, may He smile His face upon you, may He give you comfort and strength all the days of your life.
May you have a truly wonderful birthday celebration for our Lord and Savior and may I wish you a
I woke up this morning with things on my mind. That’s not that unusual. And some of the things on my mind weren’t that unusual either…you know, work I need to get done, people I need to check on … and the weirdest thing … Dinty Moore Beef Stew.
That’s an OLD picture. There are no thumb prints on top of the cans any more. But, I remember being woke up at about 0300 hrs to pee, which is pretty normal for us old guys, to the thought of “Dinty Moore Beef Stew” in my head. I didn’t think anything of it, went right back to bed and right back to sleep. But when I got up this morning, the thought was still there and it’s been sitting in the back of my head all morning long. I even pulled a can out of the pantry this morning when I was feeding the dogs. I set it on the counter, and then put it back.
I guess we’ll see. Anyway, I’ve got a couple of things I want to catch up on this morning. I think I may have already sent them out to you and I may not have, so I’d rather double up then miss out, so I’m going to do them first out. Also I’ve got a couple of days off so I’m going to try to put out a couple of extra issues for you guys.
That sounds generous, right?
A great deal of it has to do with the fact that right now, I’m uncomfortable in my own head and want to keep occupied.
Not my favorite time of year.
So, let’s jump in to the fun stuff and see what we can do…
Okay, this first video is WAY cool and the perfect response to someone trying to play a prank on someone else. like I said at the beginning, I’m relatively sure I sent this already, but maybe not. Maybe I’ve just shown it so many other times that it just SEEMS like I sent it out to you guys. Anyway, here goes…
And this next one is another video. It rightfully belongs in the political section, but it’s just frustrating more than anything and this lady is just weird!
And this next one I know I haven’t sent, but it’s so beautiful and so Christmasy … sent by Woeter from South Africa. It is awesome. Lord of the Dance!
The key here is are you listening hard enough to KNOW what it is that God has called you to do?
I really LOVE that shirt!!!
This one is about ten minutes long, but if you are interested in UFOs, it’s worth the watch.
A bizarre-looking creature that a scientist known as The Godfather of Coral said he had ‘never seen before’ was found by a five-year-old boy on a beach in Australia
Well, and since it was brought up … and I didn’t want to get into it … somebody’s birthday is tomorrow. Christmas Eve. No. Not baby Jesus. We CELEBRATE His birthday on Christmas Day, but we’ve figured out His ACTUAL birthday was sometime closer to tax day … in April.
Go back to Luke, chapter 2, starting at verse 8: And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manager. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
Okay, go back to the first line (I really didn’t need to include all of that, I just love that part). “Shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.” From what I understand, that only happens in the spring. It definitely does NOT happen in December. I don’t know HOW they figured it was April (I actually heard once April 4th or the 6th) but they’ve definitely said April.
So, who is they? Bible scholars who know a LOT more than I do.
So then whose birthday am I talking about?
Well, I’m sorry to say … mine. Tomorrow is my birthday. December 24th. Christmas Eve. It’s a crappy birthday and it always gets forgotten in the Christmas crush. Not that it matters to me anymore, but as a kid, it bothered me a great deal. Just because I know someone will ask, I will be 66 years young. I still feel 16 in my head…and 116 in my body.
So … moving on …
You guys have made this all worth while! Thank you!
If everyone would just realize that there is One place to run to.
This next one is crazy weird. So who do we have to thank? Why, Stephanie, of course!
At first glance, it seems like someone’s reading in the water, but when you zoom in, you realize there’s no person, no book, no study—just an illusion.
Life is much the same; it appears one way, but beneath the surface, it’s entirely different.
Maybe Aussie Pete could answer that one for us…
You have to click on this one and watch. It’s a Facebook Reel. Click HERE.
I wanna be a Lector!
If you were a parent with a really great … or warped … sense of humor, you could do something wicked with the elf on a shelf, like the last couple of Christmas pictures every single night and have your kids find him every morning doing something strange or diabolic! That would be
Massachusetts Laws
State legislation forbids dueling with water pistols.
At his request, each morning three-year-old Ray’s mother pinned a bath towel to the back shoulders of his size two T-shirt.
Immediately in his young imaginative mind the towel became a brilliant magic blue and red cape.
And he became Superman.
Outfitted each day in his “cape,” Ray’s days were packed with adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman.
This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his mother enrolled him in kindergarten class. During the course of the interview, the teacher asked Ray his name.
“Superman,” he answered politely and without pause.
The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his mother, and asked again, “Your real name, please.”
Again, Ray answered, “Superman.”
Realizing the situation demanded more authority, or maybe to hide amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then in a voice quite stern, said, “I will have to have your real name for the records.”
Sensing he’d have to play straight with the teacher, Ray slid his eyes around the room, hunched closer to her, and patting a corner of frayed towel at his shoulder, answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy, “Clark Kent.”
Stephen B. sent us a special message …
Regardless of your race, religion, sex, political beliefs (or lack of any of the aforementioned), a holiday season is upon us.
As Bill and Ted once said in “Bill and Teds Excellent Adventure” …………….”Be excellent to each other.”
Yup! Survival. That’s my goal, baby!
Timmy was a little five-year old boy that his Mom loved very much and being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school for a couple of days but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the “big boys.”
He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him.
Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it Would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with Another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little Friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.
Finally, he said to Timmy, “Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?”
Timmy nonchalantly replied, “Yea, I know who she is.”
The little friend said, “Well who is she?”
“That’s just Shirley Goodnest” Timmy said.
“Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?”
“Well,” Timmy explained, “every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers ‘cuz she worries about me so much.
And it says, “Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life.” So I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!”
Drunk guy: “Here’s hoping you’re in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you’re dead!”
Drunk girl: “What’s that mean?”
Drunk guy: “It’s an Irish toast.”
Drunk girl: “Oh. Well, here’s to bread, eggs and cinnamon.”
Drunk guy: “Huh?”
Drunk girl: “That’s French toast.”
I’m gonna have to try and find that one, it looks like fun!
Why doesn’t that surprise me one single bit?
So very, very true…
Me neither!
Nevada, Eureka Law
Men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women.
And that, my dear friends and family, is the perfect place to stop.
May our kind and loving Father in Heaven Bless you all with Peace, Comfort, and Joy today and all your days through. And until we meet again, I remain, in love…
Dragon Laffs 