Well, it’s Sunday and I’m going to try to get another issue out for next Monday for when I’m not here due to Kairos.  Not sure how timely this will be since I’m posting it so far ahead, but at least it will give you guys something to laugh at next week while I’m recovering.

I just spent the last hour putting my computer back together.  For some reason it went through an update and I had to reset EVERYTHING.  It’s like I had never worked on this computer before in my life.  Everything from resigning into Google to resigning into my own blog!  Craziness.  I think I got most everything back again, but we’ll see.

But, in the meantime, 

There is SO much truth in this.  You know EXACTLY what you have, every single solitary day, in the most happiest of bliss, you know what you have, and in the dumbest, most asinine of thoughts you never, EVER think you could possibly lose it.

I’m Convinced The People Who Designed These Apartments Hate You, Me, And The Entire Human Race

Doctors And Nurses Are Revealing The Health “Lies” They Wish More People Knew, And It’s Eye-Opening

Wow!!! That’s mean!!

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

-Johnny [John William] Carson (1925 – 2005 )

“The bathtub was invented in 1850. The telephone was invented in 1875.

This might not seem like much, but if you had lived back then, you could have sat in the bathtub for 25 years without being bothered by the phone.”

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”

“Of course not, dear,” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”

“The tombstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'”

A monastery a few miles from me has been making keys, in addition to the bread and jams they sell. Unfortunately, they are going to stop making keys. So, no more monk key business.

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.

One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page.

He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column.

He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database. It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up. “Brad, are you up yet?” asks Mike.

Brad sleepily answers, “Yeah, but I’m only now starting my coffee.”

“Brad. open the newspaper to page 31.”

“Why, what’s in the paper?”

“Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!”

“Ok, Ok, I’ve got the paper here, so what’s in page 31?”

“Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!”

“All right, don’t be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what’s on page 31 that’s so important?”

“Brad, look at the bottom of column 4.”

“Why? What’s that story on?”

“Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!”

“OK, OK, I’ll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!”

The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.

Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, “So Mike, where are you calling me from right now?”

The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward.

He asks the head of psychology “How do you determine if a patient is cured.”

The psychologist explains. “We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub.”

“I see,” says the health minister, “the cured person would choose the cup because it`s bigger, and would empty the tub faster”.

“Actually no,” replies the psychologist, “a normal person would simply pull the plug”.

Okay, it’s not a great issue, but it’s not a bad one either.  May God Bless y0u all with happiness and joy until we can speak again.

Yes, it looks just like me…

I’m amazed at the likeness…

Gee, someone’s house suddenly burst into flames overnight? However did that happen?

Anyway, enough about bragging.  Today is Saturday and I’m working on what I believe will end up being Thursday’s episode.  I had Men’s Breakfast at church this morning; Izzy finally cut my hair a little while ago; I’ve got a birthday party for my buddy’s twin daughter’s in a couple of hours that Izzy and I are going to, so in the meantime, I’m going to try to get a little ahead since I’m going to be locked down in the jail on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

I also found out the hours for that…not sure if I told you on Sunday or not.  It’s been a couple of hours since I visited that episode and, it’s already in the chute to publish tomorrow morning, so I’m not going to disturb it since it’s resting peacefully.  You have no idea how much those things fight going in those tunnels!  It’s truly amazing the strength they build up.  And it seems like the bigger the episode or the more feeling that’s put into it, the stronger they are and the more they fight sometimes.  Sometimes they go in easily and I wonder if it’s those issues where I don’t have anything controversial or anything that pushes too hard, but those episodes that satan doesn’t care for…MAN!

Anyway, I’m getting off track.  The hours.  Thursday, we are meeting for lunch and then supposed to be in the prison from 1430 until 2000 hrs.  Which means we probably won’t get out until 2030 or 2100.  That’s our meet-and-greet day.  Then on Friday we hit the ground running.  The participants get there at 0700, so I’m sure we’ll have to be there at 0630 and they are out again at 2000 hrs, so again for us it will be 2030 or 2100.  Same hours again for Saturday.  Then same starting time for Sunday with the wrap up/graduation (?) at 1600 for a total for them of 40 hours in 4 days.  I gather it’s supposed to be something special that the prison chaplain invites particular individuals to and maybe it helps towards parole or something?  I know it helps towards their eternal salvation which is MUCH more important than their parole.

Thursday – 4pm to 9pm = 5 hours
Friday – 7am to 8pm = 13 hours
Saturday – 7am to 8pm = 13 hours
Sunday – 7am to 4pm = 9 hours
                            Totals = 40 hours

At least that’s the way I think it’s supposed to work.  I guess we’ll see.  I think on Saturday at about 1500, I should be fast asleep in my soup…

Yeah … But God.  He’ll take care of me.  He always has and He always will. 

Now, let’s move on to the fun stuff, shall we?

No helmet, not kneepads, no elbow pads, daring each other do go one step further than we did, playing in the street, and we’re still here!  (Well, most of us are, anyway.)

And just who are these horses reporting these symptoms to?

Two overweight middle-aged women are on their daily walk.

They were discussing how hard it is to lose weight as one gets older.

One woman complained that she remained apple-shaped.

The other woman said that no matter how much she exercised, there was too much fat on her backside and thighs, and it seemed like it was there to stay.

Her friend agreed, saying, “It’s true. The lard works in mysterious ways.

This one is from brother Joe in NJ and it’s entitled “Origins”.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades – King David,
Hearts – Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds – Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

“I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter “A”?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?
A. Honey

Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father’s Day

Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.

Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase “goodnight, sleep tight”

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they use the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the phrase inspired by this practice.

In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden…. and thus the word GOLF entered into the English vocabulary.

Yeah, I’m not sure about those last couple, but it makes for great storytellin’.

 A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had just bought.

“Doctor’s orders,” the man told his friend. “My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs.”

“What did you buy your wife?” the friend asked.

The man said, “A new matching bicycle and lawn mower.”

What?
NO!
WAIT!

A man and his wife were planning a vacation. They ended up in an argument, though…

“It’s ‘Hawaii’, I’m telling you!” she said.

“I never KNEW someone so stubborn! Havaii’ is how it’s pronounced!” he replied.

And so it went all the way to the vacation… As they got off the airplane, they passed a man.

The husband abruptly stopped the wife and turned to the man to ask, “Now that we’re on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and me. Is this ‘Hawaii’ or ‘Havaii?'”

“This is Havaii,” the man replied.

“Ha!” the husband gloated, turning to his wife. “See, didn’t I tell you never to argue with me? I’m alllll-ways right!” As they began to walk away, he turned back and gave the man a hearty “Thank you!”

“You’re Velcome!!!”

The four newly weds spent their honeymoon at the Niagara Falls. They occupied adjoining rooms, sat at the same table, and were inseparable.

One evening after dinner as they were returning to their rooms, there was lightning and the lights went off. It was pitch dark, and groping their way they made it to their rooms, and quietly undressed.

Jack a religious fellow knelt to pray. Just as he completed his prayer, the lights came on that he saw that he was with his friend’s wife. He jumped up and dashed for the door.

“Too late to hurry now,” said the girl “Joe never prays!”

What do you do (like in our church) where Grandpa is the Pastor and Dad is the junior Pastor?

Our friends, James and Florence, attend choir practice Wednesday evenings and often head for a restaurant afterwards with their fellow choir members.

Then she waved happily across the big table where her colleagues all sat and announced in a loud voice, “James, I don’t have a headache tonight!”

And how many of you got that one?

And this one is kind of subtle…

The Priest had just finished hearing the man´s confession and was considering the man´s penitence.

“Are you sure you´re going to try to set aside all sin?”

“Yes, Father, I certainly am going to try.” replied the man. “I hereby resolve to double my efforts.”

“And you´re going to attend Mass regularly my son?” the Priest went on.

“Yes, Father, I realize I have strayed.” said the man. “I shall both worship and confess every week.”

“And how about your debts and those you have cheated?” inquired the Priest.

“Now just a minute, Father.” said the man. “Now you´re talking business, not religion.”

And that would be funny if it weren’t so true.

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was always behind the wheel operating the boat.

He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he suddenly said to his wife,

“Ok honey, this is a drill. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore.”

She was initially surprised and flustered, but she soon settled down and was able to safely drive the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, grabbed the remote control, switched the channel, and said to him,

“OK honey, this is a drill. Pretend I’m having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes.”

25 hilarious signs that turn ordinary messages into comedy gold

And that’s it for another episode my friends.  I hope you had as much fun with this one as I did.  Until next time.  I’m going to try to knock out Monday’s tomorrow so I’m caught up through my Kairos weekend, but we’ll see what happens.  May God Bless you and Keep you until then.

It’s still Friday and I’ve a couple of things.  I’m sending this out on Sunday, because Sunday is daylight savings time.

• Tonight is Daylight savings, so of course we’ll have some special memes for that.  Everyone get up tonight at 0200 hrs. and move your clocks forward by 1 hour to 0300 hrs. so you’ll be on time to church in the morning.  Wait!  Crap!  That was last night!  Forget it.  You’re already late!  Hurry and get dressed and get out the door!
• I went and visited my friend in the hospital and they are keeping him one more day.  The other friend they are going to take off the machines probably tomorrow and if he dies like they think he will within 90 minutes they will harvest the organs they can from him.  If not and he hangs on longer than that they won’t be able to take any of his organs.  I don’t pretend to understand any of that, but that’s what I was told.  It’s especially tough on his kids and his father.  Say a little prayer for them, please.
• I’ll share some of the special messages I’ve received with you guys further into the issue.
• I think I told you a little bit about the Kairos Prison Ministry thing that I’m working towards, well that’s coming up this Thursday through Sunday.  I’ll be in the prison for 12 to 14 hours each of those days from what I understand.  Keep me in your prayers for those days if you would please.

Now, let’s move on to the laughter, shall we?

Um…last night!  Darn it!  Last night!

29 Badddddd “Family Feud” Moments That Probably Made Steve Harvey Want To Quit The Show Entirely

There are some real laugh out loud ones in here!  Definitely worth the click!

And in a lot of ways, that should be a day we look forward to!

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench.

Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, “Pardon me, ma’am, but may I sit here with you.”

The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking whitehaired gentleman and replied, “Why certainly,” and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down.

For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything.

Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, “Ma’am, may I ask you two questions?”

With great anticipation Marcia replied, “Why certainly!”

The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. “Marcia, I know we’ve only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?”

Marcia grabbed at Jimmie’s hands and said, “Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!” She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said, “You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?”

Jimmie scratched his neck and said, “Will you help me get up?”

My friend wanted a boat more than anything.  His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway.  “I’ll tell you what,” he told her.  “In the spirit of compromise, why don’t you name the boat?”

Being a good sport, she accepted.  When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side:

“For Sale.”

A young bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding ring.

As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.

“Tell me,” she asked the elderly salesman,”is there anything special I’ll have to do to take care of this ring?”

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, “One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day.”

One of the messages I got lately that I’d like to respond to publicly.  This is from Puckmeister, he writes:

Thank you for all the smiles, laughter, Religion, and thoughts.  You are amazing.

Semper Fi

Thank YOU Puckmeister and all the rest of you who write and say such nice things.  It makes it worthwhile, especially when I’m not feeling well, or I get behind, or am feeling down, which has been happening a lot lately.  I open up a message like that and it really and truly brightens up my whole day.  Thank you.

 

Teacher: “The law of gravity explains why we stay on the ground.” Chloe: “How did we stay on the ground before the law was passed?”

You could put your knee against the wheel and sleep for an hour!

Has anyone else noticed that we haven’t heard anything about drones since Trump has taken office?

And that’s it for today my friends…

Okay, so I’ve missed more days.  I guess I’m still recovering.  I’m coming home from work and pretty much going right to bed.  Today is Friday and I’ve taken the day off.  So, I’m going to spend the day with you guys.  Put an issue out right away and get one ready for Monday and possibly one for Thursday to try and get back on path.  We’ll see how that works out.

I’ve got several people on my heart right now.  One friend of mine from darts who is in the hospital dying and another who is very sick.  It is hard that as we get older, this happens more and more, but both of these men are so much younger than I am.  The second will recover and go back home to his family, the first one won’t.  Prayers for them both.  

Anyway, let’s get some laffs in.  Goodness knows we can all use some.

That’s RIGHT!!!

Some Puns and One-Liners from Chris:

Wife: Have you seen the dog bowl? Husband: No, but I did see him play darts.

If it wasn’t for Venetian blinds…it would be curtains for us all!

Have you ever been to an Amish party? Those guys really raise the roof!

 I bought a new blindfold, but I can’t see myself wearing it.

 I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, and he said he couldn’t complain.

Dr. Smith came into the bar regularly, every night ordering an almond daiquiri. One night, the bartender realized he was out of almonds, so he substituted hickory nuts. Dr. Smith took one sip and asked, “Is this an almond daiquiri?” Dick replied, “Nope. It’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”

I have many jokes about unemployed people—sadly none of them work.

 Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

 I don’t always go the extra mile. But when I do, it’s because I missed my exit.

Her: You never listen to me. You only hear what you wanna hear. Him: Sure, I’ll have a beer.

Just started watching a documentary on clocks. It’s about time.

Just saw 3 people jogging outside and it inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

I didn’t realize my uncle had a false tooth until it came out in conversation

If I was on a desert island, the record that I would most like to have is for long distance swimming.

A Brit is visiting California for the first time, and is conversing with a California native. He says, “I’ll be visiting La Jolla (lah-JOLL-a) next week,” whereupon the Californian replies, “Oh, you mean, ‘La-*HOY-a’?”

“Oh. Yeah, I guess so.” Then he adds, “but right now I’m staying in El Cajon (el-ca-JOHN),” and again the Californian corrects him, “You mean, El Ca ‘HONE’?”

“Oh. Yeah, right.”

Then the Californian asks, “So when will you be returning home?”

The Brit thinks about it for a minute and then answers, “Oh, I don’t know, I guess sometime in ‘HUNE’ or ‘HULY’.”

Move backwards…

22 Iconic Events And Places Photographed From Angles That You’ve Never Seen Before

Some REALLY cool pictures on this one

That sign was probably displayed right after Obama was given one.

Way down the Mississippi River, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry, “Aye!” and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat’s mate, “What do they do that for?”

The mate looked surprised and replied, “You mean that you’ve never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?”

Until next time my friends.  May God Bless you and keep you.

Okay, so we’re racing to get an issue done for Monday while I’m working all weekend AND trying to get enough sleep to survive.  SO… Let’s jump right into it and …

What a fantastic idea for a cake!!!

And I’m damn proud to be a brother veteran of yours!

And just because they call themselves Christians doesn’t make them Christians anymore than standing in a garage makes them a car.

Ohio Laws

It is against the law to kill a housefly within 160 feet of a church without a license.

Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon listening to their voice mail using the speakerphone (at full volume, naturally).

It can really begin to bother you after a while. There was a fellow in my office who was the ultimate offender.

I found a fairly easy fix for that, though. Have a female friend call his desk when he’s not there and leave a message like “Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven’t paid for the ‘toys’ we sent you, you naughty boy.

You wouldn’t want me to come over there and spank you, would you?”

It is the last time you hear that particular speakerphone, I can assure you.

Little Morris asked his aunt Sadie how old she was. ….”39 and holding,” replied Auntie Sadie.

Little Morris thought for a moment, then said, “And how old would you be if you let go?”

Ohio Laws

A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him. However, the reverse is not true, even if it’s a police dog.

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

– Dale Carnegie ( 1888 – 1955)

Two Iranians meet in California. One starts to greet the other in Farsi,the language of their native country.

The other Iranian waved him away contemptuously and said, “We’re in America now. Speak Spanish!”

There’s that whole car – garage thing again.

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife: “You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow, push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”

“You’re coming empty handed?”

Okay, that one was easy, as opposed to the last one…that I had a LOT of people correct me on!  Thank you all very much!  The Liverpool Football Club (Soccer Team) uses the song You’ll Never Walk Alone as their theme song.  

And that my dear friends, is all for today.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.