Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers!  What a GREAT weekend for football it was!  I don’t know about you, but it was some of the most exciting play I’ve ever seen!  So, if you’re like me, you wake up Monday morning and wonder what the playoff picture looks like. And if you go to today’s Last Word, you will get that …. and a bit more. 

Anyway, interesting night at the Cavern last night.  The smallest Dragonette had a “pre-going back to school slumber party” so there were a couple of extra little girl creatures running around last night. 

The problem was that it preempted my “pre-going back to work slumber party” and I had to stash all the beer and the invitees were sent home.  Sigh….
Maybe tonight…. we’ll see.
So, let’s get to it and
Let’s Laugh!

Walruses go to Tupperware parties to find a tight seal.

An old man just had a heart transplant and was getting instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and alcohol, and advised to get at least eight hours sleep a night. “What about my sex life?” asked the old man “Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?” “Only with your wife,” said the doctor. “We don’t want you to get too excited.”

So, this is what you get when you send men to the kitchen to make cookies. 

What’s the deal with incense. It smells like somebody set fire to a clothes hamper. Gym socks and jasmine. Do we need that smell? You know what incense smells like? If flowers could fart.

Traditional Irish Sex
as translated from the Leprechaun Sex Manual

SEX IN THE IRISH TRADITION

THE PREPARATION
Friday Night is very much love-night for the Irish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Irish aphrodisiac – 12 pints Guinness, and some fish and chips, his mind set on one thing – LOVE! Or as he say’s himself “the ride”. His lust, at fever pitch, after the sensuous excitement of a hard night’s dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion – “any chance of me hole then love?” The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of Guinness or the sensuous vision of chips sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious “Would ye ever fuck off!!!”.

FOREPLAY
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male, whipping off his slightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife, that usually land skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed gyrating with one hand on his hip and the other on the back of his head, singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant “Here we go, here we go, here we go” Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this rampant 8 incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.

INITIAL PROBLEMS
After 12 pints, sometimes the man’s old Willie Winkie is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man’s self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as “Ye useless bastard, ye” or possibly “It never happens to the Milkman”. Oral sex is a great favorite of the Irishman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, “How’d ye like to put your teeth round dis?” The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. “Go on then”, she says “but don’t disturb me”.

DOWN TO BUSINESS
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement as he moves into his position he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase “Oh fuck, I’ve shot me load.” If this does occur it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps, informing her she’s the nicest woman he’s ever come across. An imaginative lover, the Irishman, possibly having read the woman likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as “shite, arsehole”. The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as “Are you sure it’s in?”. Given his level sexual expertise the Irishman’s ideal partner should be a versatile lover
specializing in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout “Ooyah, ooyah, Big Boy”. Eventually its all over. The man rolls over, falls asleep, and commences snoring like a pig. There’s no one in the world performs quite like an Irishman – veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.

Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This  announcement followed Gordon’s decision to take advantage of President Obama’s scheme to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon’s existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon’s management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits.

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for.

At the crew’s first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon’s ex-wife in the shower.

Recent Letter To The Editor:

I saw a radical Muslim drowning in the river this morning. I alerted the authorities straight away.

Its now 6pm and nothing has happened. I’m beginning to think I’ve wasted a stamp.

Bussy

Rutherglen, NE Victoria

Leprechaun here~

You alerted the authorities? I threw mine a bag of stones ta help him float until help arrived!

If you work in a place where this is a huge concern to you…you have problems a lot worse than “Whose been drinking out of my cup?”

 

New FOX NFL Commercial Mocks TSA

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/new-fox-nfl-commercial-mocks-tsa/ 

Here’s one for my dear friend, Ariel, up in Minnesota
http://www.coolestone.com/media/1588/Take-This-Snow-And-Shovel-It/

A preacher noticed one day that, as he was preaching, a man in the
back of the auditorium was slumped over a little. Thinking he was
asleep, the preacher asked the deacon to go wake him up.

The deacon gave the man a little nudge, but he kept on sleeping. He
bumped him a little harder and the man kept on sleeping. Frustrated,
the deacon took a hymn book and smacked him in the head, knocking
the man out of his chair and on to the floor.

The deacon was shocked that the man didn’t open his eyes. Concerned,
he got down on the floor to see if the man was breathing, and the
man said, “Hit me harder, I can still hear him.”

And you wonder where and/or when kids start using foul language?  This is one example, right here.  You just know this kid is saying, “Dad!  You’re a rotten S.O.B. for giving me this!  Laugh all you want now, asshole, the next time you are changing my diaper, I’m gonna pee, right in your face.  Maybe I’ll get lucky and your mouth will be open!”

“Do you feel a breeze?  Did someone open a door?”

Here’s an oldie but goodie that I’m sure you’ll enjoy:

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, “This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.”
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn’t stand it any more; they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, “We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important.”
The police said, “It’s not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.”
“Well, who was it?”
“The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion.”

Here’s a special New Year’s wish from one of our favorite campers, Sue:

2011 Contract   After serious & cautious consideration… your contract of friendship has been renewed for the New Year 2011 It was a very hard decision to make… So try not to screw it up!!! My Wish for You in 2011 May peace break into your home and may thieves come to steal your debts. May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills. May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips! May happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy May the problems you had, forget your home address!   In simple words ………… May 2011 be the best year of   your life!!!

If this is proof that man evolved from apes, than I would say he hasn’t changed much since then, either.

From KOMO TV in Seattle.  An extra piece called “Eric’s Little Heroes”….this guy (not yet in High School) can play some ball.  Nice human interest piece that should put a smile on your face…unless you’re a Grinch or a Scrooge…..a Scrinch?  I kinda like that!  lol
http://www.komonews.com/home/video/111892554.html 

Just unbelievable! 
http://www.wimp.com/bubblemagic/

It’s important at the end of the year to collect information, and here we have year-to-date statistics on Airport Screening supplied by the Department of Homeland Security

Terrorist Plots Discovered            0

Transvestites                                  133

Hernia’s                                   1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases                        3,172

Enlarged Prostates                       8,249

Breast Implants                            59,350

Natural Blondes                           3

Today’s Last Word started out as my morning greeting, but it got so long and I got so wound up that I had to move it down here.  In the scheme of things, the Last Word has been used for mostly attacks, agendas, inequities and the such, and you might be asking yourself right now, you might say, “Self…what is it that Impish is doing, putting the NFL Playoff picture in the Last Word?  Self, that is so not like him.  What could possibly be going on?  Self?  Self, are you there?  Self?”

Now, if at this point you’ve gone off and are having a lovely tête-à-tête with yourself, then we really aren’t concerned with you anymore.  We’ve lost you.  But, for the rest of us, let’s get back to “What in the world Impish is talking about.”

If you’re like me, the first thing you want to do on Monday morning is check the playoff picture, so you go right to NFL.com and you find this great picture, so what do you do?  You steal it! 

Is it really stealing if you say where you got it from?  Or is it free advertisement when you say, “Hey, look at this way, wicked cool picture!”  Anyway….
This shows that my two favorite teams, The Colts and The Packers, made it into the playoffs!  Woo Hoo!  Nice, but here’s the big problem…  In the NFC, the Seattle Seahawks made it into the playoffs because they are in a crappy division.  They made it with a losing record of 7-9 and yet, Tampa Bay didn’t make it with a record of 10-6!
Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot? (WTF?)
I discussed this at great length with the all powerful, all knowing Strikeowl and he came up with an outstanding solution.  (You don’t go to the great Owl with many questions, only those of the gravest of importance, but if you bring the proper offering [dead mice, naked women, or strong alcoholic beverages] and are truly needy and respectful [“Yo Owl!  Wassup?]  and the moon is in the right phase, you will be gifted with an all seeing response.  Truly awe inspiring!)
Do away with the divisions and just have leagues.  16 teams, 16 games, each team gets to play the other both home and away one time per year. (With an extra game thrown in).  What a simple and elegant solution!
Are you listening National Foot Ball League?

Good Morning and Happy New Year to all you campers out there!  My dear friend LL said it best in his Dragon Laffs New Year Message, which you can read below if you haven’t already read it.    And if you haven’t already read it, why haven’t you already read it?  I know people have important things to do every day, but let’s prioritize here people!  Dragon Laffs should be the first and the last thing you check, everyday, just in case there has been some new stuff added. 
I can hear some of you saying now that, you liked it better the old way where it was delivered straight to your email box, or when the butler printed it out for you each day and hand carried it to your bed each morning with your breakfast.  I hear you, the old days were the best days!
But, you’d be wrong!  We can reach so many more people this way, do so many more things, keep you so much more informed and not have to diddle with yahoo and all the jack-wagons who work there!  Every hour we don’t have to skip-rope with yahoo is another hour we can spend on delivering you a great product. 
Now, drag your burros into the future and enjoy the many benefits that modern technology offers! 

Welcome to Dragon Laffs 2011!
Where nothing can go wrong…
go wrong…
go wrong…*

*Come on!  You have to admit that the gratuitous “West World” reference was kinda cool and it definitely dates us.  Those of us who “got-it” are probably of an age where we remember a time when man hadn’t stepped foot on the moon and a disk was also called a Frisbee and we played with it on the beach.
And to those of you who didn’t “get-it”…
…
…
I don’t know…
I got nothin’
Let’s Laugh!

 

Here’s an idea for starting a 365 day project.  The first of the year being the perfect time to do so.  Let me know if you decide to do any of these and we can share them at the end of the year, or monthly or whatever.  I’m going to try and do a picture a day one, just not sure yet what picture I am going to do, but here….read on:
http://www.makeuseof.com/tag/6-yearlong-projects-start-2011/

(Check out today’s Last Word for what I came up with…)

A couple of riddles from our Leprechaun:

ENJOY AND SHARPEN YOUR BRAIN …….

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires. The second is full of assassins with loaded guns. The third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I’m curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:

Answers:

1. The third room. Lions that haven’t eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men
should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) argued over nothing.
2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn’t drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy:

“What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class:  “Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings.  Then all excited, we all go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

“Very nice Patrick,” she said.

“Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?” “Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late.  We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings.  We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.”

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Stephen Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”

Stephen said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year…. Dad comes home from the office.  We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy factory.  When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves… And begin to sing: “What A Friend We Have In Jesus.” Then we all go to the Bahamas.”

Mr. Bud Lind was retired, but active in his community, and one of his volunteer jobs was to occasionally drive the high school band bus to different outings.

Because drivers changed often, there was a sign posted at the front of the bus that read, “Your driver is:  ______”

Bud always got a kick out of watching the reactions of new band members when they read the sign at the front of the bus stating “Your driver is: B. LIND.”

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money.
Mom said, “Sure, sweetie.  I’ll send you some money.  You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago.  Do you want me to send that up too?”
“Uh, oh yeah, OK,” responded the kid.
So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, “Well how much did you give the boy this time?
Mom said, “Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000”
“That’s $1020!!!” yelled Dad, “Are you crazy???”
“Don’t worry hon,” Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his baldhead, “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!”

1. Law of Mechanical Repair 
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity –
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability –
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

6. Variation Law –
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always
move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath  –
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

9. Law of the Result –
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

10. Law of Bio mechanics –
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces –
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument –
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

16. Brown’s  Law of Physical Appearance –
If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

17.   Law of Public Speaking –
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson’s  Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy –
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it

19. Doctors’  Law –
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

The weary holiday traveler looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage check-in center.

Turning to the attendant, he said, “Okay, I give up. Why is the mistletoe hanging there above the luggage scale?”

The attendant said, “So you can kiss your luggage good-bye.”

“I’ve had a rough day. I put my shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.”
  – Rodney Dangerfield

How a CSI is made

“It’s him!  He’s the one who scared me!”
”Don’t worry, I’ll kick his butt!”

 

Why Some Men Have Dogs and Not Wives
   1. The later you are, the more excited your Dogs are to see you.
   2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another Dog’s name.
   3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
   4. A Dog’s Parents never visit.
   5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
   6. You never have to wait for a Dog; they are ready to go 24 hours a day.
   7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
   8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
   9. A Dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another Dog?”
  10. If a Dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
  11. A Dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
  12. If a Dog smells another Dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
  13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
If a Dog leaves, it won’t take over half of your stuff.
To test this theory:
Lock your Wife and your Dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who’s happy to see you.
Happy New Year to you! ~Kiz

A man and his wife were making their first doctor’s office visit prior to the birth of their first child.  After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink.  The couple was curious about what the stamp said, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to see what it was.
        In very tiny letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this without a needing a magnifying glass, come back and see me.”

I love this joke, it’s one of my favorites of all time:

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
‘Quick,’ said the woman to the lover, ‘into the closet!’ and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
‘Who are you?’ he asked him.
‘I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,’ said the exterminator.
‘What are you doing in there?’ the husband asked.
‘I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,’ the man replied.
‘And where are your clothes?’ asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, ‘Those little bastards!

Ann Coulter was outlining who gave how much to charity and wrote this little stand alone:
“In 2005, Vice President Cheney gave 77 percent of his income to charity. He also shot a lawyer in the face, which I think should count for something.”
(Sorry Lucille)

Thanks to Lynn for this one…and she’s right.  We need this badly at DL Enterprises and every man should own one….or we’ll never get it right!

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

Ø   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø   Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø   The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.

Ø  If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.  (I have to remember this one)

Ø   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.  

Ø   War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Ø   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø   Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Ø   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; To steal from many is research.

Ø   Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Ø  I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Ø   A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Ø   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.

Ø   I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø   Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Ø   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø   You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Ø   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø   Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Ø   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Ø   Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø   I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Ø  I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure. 

Ø   You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø   Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. 

Let me say first and straight up that I do NOT have plans to boor you with pictures that mean something to me, that have no meaning to you at all.  But, the pictures that I decided to do for the 365 day thing were of two different sorts.  One, is really easy and probably won’t change much, it is of my living room, centering on the bookshelves that we just put up over the holidays:

Here you have it in the organizational stage, so it will be cool to watch it change over the next couple of weeks and months, then (hopefully) not change much at all, maybe changing the pictures or the books.
The second one is going to be harder and involves getting another member of the family involved.  It is a picture of my backyard with my littlest dragonette in the picture.  I chased her out this morning, in the cold, while she was tired, still in her pajamas, and, as you can tell by the picture, not very happy with her Dad.  For those of you who think this was cruel or mean, we were only out there for about 30 seconds and she loved every minute of it.

Anyway, that’s what I decided to do…I still have the rest of the day to change my mind, add to the project or change it in some way…..and so do you!
Have a great day my friends!

Leprechaun here~

Very soon we’ll be shutting down here at DragonLaffs Corporate to observe New Year’s celebrations with our respective families.

Not all cultures celebrate Christmas but almost everyone celebrates the end of year and/or the beginning of a new one. It is a reflective time; a time to look back on the year, a time to count our blessings.

The last year has been a wonderful year for the DragonLaffs Group.  It’s seen my addition to the staff as a co-owner and full-time contributor, We weathered Impish’s loss of his computer and thru your generous help got him a new one. It saw our first annual ‘Hey the Dragon is away lets party in the Dragon Cave!’ membership appreciation virtual party and finally but not least of all the successful launch of the DragonLaffs blog .

These may be small achievements for a non-commercial humor ezine but for a  non-commercial humor ezine with no paid staff, no offices and no assets ( verifiable on paper that is) it is remarkable. We launched a blog with little oe no fan fare that in roughly 2 months of non advertisement has generated nearly 25,000 hits and over 1000 on our busiest day!

This has been achieved  because of the generosity,  and dedication you dear readers. Without your support there would be no DragonLaffs Particular thanks to those who donated to the ‘Get the Dragon a Computer Fund; your financial generosity has literally kept us going.

The fact that we have managed to survive and grow means that we can continue to tell  people about the wonderful array of adult humor and social commentary that is the heart and soul  of DragonLaffs.

The next year beckons; new challenges await. From my heart on behalf of both Impish Dragon and myself I thank you all for your generous support.

Finally to all our friends and followers who have sent us ‘best wishes’,  ‘chain letters’, ‘angel letters’ or any other forms of empty promises for luck and good fortune, sadly we must inform you …NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED!

So please in 2011 send Cash, Irish Whiskey, smoked meats, cigars (preferably Cubans) Italian food, bottles of wine, 12 packs of imported beer or free first class airline tickets to the destination of our choice. Thank You for your anticipated co-operation!

From Impish Dragon, Lethal Leprechaun and our respective families to you and yours.

Good Morning Campers!

I hope everyone is doing well.  Seems as though we are now through with the earthquake…at least for now.  It’s been 24 hours plus since the quake hit yesterday and there have been no aftershocks.  This may still be a precursor to something worse, but if so, the odds go down after 24 hours and just about even out after 48.  Although my dog is still acting stupid, it could just be that she is still freaked out over yesterday and not that something is still going to happen.  But, I will keep you in the loop.

I want to tell you about the greatest gift I’ve ever gotten….okay, so the greatest gift I’ve ever gotten from Santa.  I’ve been given better gifts, but they have been from real people.  Anyway, this is a Hamilton Beach Brew Station.  And just as they advertise, the last cup, 4 hours after the pot has been made, is as good as the first, fresh cup.  It is truly amazing!  And I’m not trying to sell any of these things or anything like that, but if you are a coffee lover, like we are here at Dragon Laffs then this comes highly recommended.  Santa brought mine, so I can’t give you any idea of pricing or anything, but Amazon.com has them for about $50.  Now, if you’re like me, you bought the lousy Dollar General $10 coffee pots because your water is so crappy you end up throwing them out when they get to the point that it takes to the afternoon before the coffee is actually done.  Well, if you got a new one every couple of months, this one pays for itself in less than a year.
But that’s just me.

What do you say we go ahead and laugh now?  Sound good to you?  Yeah, I thought so.

This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour shift and collapses into bed. He’s just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says, “What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?”

He replied, “Don’t worry honey, I’d stay faithful.”

During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets.  He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260º.

“But, sergeant, all circles have 360º to them,” remarked one of the trainees.

“Don’t be stupid,” the sergeant roared.  “This is a small circle!”

“So,” jealous Judy asked the detective she had hired, “did you trail my husband?”

“Yes ma’am. I did. I followed him to a bar, then to a restaurant and then to a house.”

A big smile crossed Judy’s face,”Aha!! Then I’ve got him!” she said, gloating.” Is there any doubt what he was doing?”

“No ma’am.” replied the sleuth, “It’s pretty clear that he was following you and taking pictures of you and this other man having sex. By the way, nude pictures of you are all over the Internet.”

A single girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. 

When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced, “It’s a boy, six feet tall and 190 pounds!”

A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his un-aroused body for the first time to his bride. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, “What’s that?” pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, “Well, that’s what we had so much fun with last night.”

And she, in amazement, asked, “Is that all we have left?”

Sister Margaret had been a Nun all her life. Then she was called to her reward. As she approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, “Hold on, Sister Margaret; not so fast!”

“But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord from the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the Convent to my dying breath. I have lived for this moment!” Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.

“That is just the problem,” replied St. Peter. “You never learned right from wrong and, to get into Heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong.

“Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into Heaven!”  Sister Margaret pleaded.

“I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then,” ordered St. Peter.

Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. “Saint Peter” she gasped, “I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up.”

“Good!” replied the old Saint. “Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me when you are ready.”

Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after having several belts of Jack Daniel’s. “Saint Peter…….I feel woozy. That vile liquor burned my throat and nauseated me. It is all I can do to keep it down.”

“Good, good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong,” said St. Peter with delight. “Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense. You know, Have sex with him and afterward, call me.”

Two weeks passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message: “Yo, Pete, It’s Peggy………It’s gonna be a while!”

Amen!  I’m 52 years old and have been paying into Social Security for 36 years.  Don’t even THINK about telling me there isn’t anything there when I retire!

An out-of-towner becomes friendly with Thelma, the waitress in his hotel coffee shop, and invites her up to his room.

She is indignant.

The guy says, “Don’t get excited. This is all in the Bible.”

Thelma is appeased, and after her shift they go out and have a few drinks. Again the man invites her up to his room, and again she is angry.

The man explains, “It’s in the Bible.”

An hour later they’re in the guy’s hotel room and he suggests they undress and have some fun. He assures Thelma that it isn’t sinful since it’s in the Bible.

“Where?” she says. “Where does it say that?”

Taking the Bible from the hotel nightstand, he opens it to the front cover where someone has written, “Thelma the waitress is a great lay.”

A bloke and his wife went to a family planning clinic.  “We’ve been married for ten years and we’ve got no kids,” said the husband.

‘And the next-door neighbors say it’s because we’re stupid.’

“Nonsense,” smiled the doctor.  “It’s probably to do with your diet. Or it might be a question of timing.  How many times a week do you do it?”

“Do what?” asked the wife.

There was a young fellow named Simon,

Who tried to discover a hymen.

But he found every girl

Had relinquished her pearl

In exchange for a solitaire diamond.

 

There was a young lady from Wheeling

Who professed to no sexual feeling.

‘Til a cynic named Boris

Just touched her clitoris,

And she had to be scraped off the ceiling!

 

A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating rapidly. The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce excitement, guilt and so on into the process. He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan.

“Well,” he says to the doctor a week later, “I did everything you suggested. The boss let me leave work an hour early. I sped home and I skidded all the way up the driveway. I slammed open the door, charged into the house and found Sheila in the living room. I stripped her naked and we went to it on the coffee table.”

“And did you enjoy it?” asked the doctor enthusiastically.

“Well,” says the guy slowly and thoughtfully, “Somewhat, but the Bible study group thought it  was really neat.”

I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet, which had a “Tested to British Safety Standards” sign on it. Underneath someone had scrawled: “So was the Titanic.”

You gotta love this guy!  He’s 102 years old when he does this.  May I look as good at 102 as he does!
http://wins.failblog.org/2010/12/13/epic-win-videos-dum-spelling-win/

Hey all you campers…here’s 16 steps to building a successful campfire, by our own expert camper, K²

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand).
6. Light Match.
7. Light Match.
8. Repeat “a Scout is cheerful” and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled “kerosene.”
13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
14. Re-label can to read “gasoline.”
15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps 1-15. 

Two friends were at a bar discussing life and love. One said, “Would you believe that out of all the women I’ve been with not a one of them was a virgin? It’d be nice if girls saved themselves for marriage. I think it would cure a big part of the huge divorce crisis we have.”
“Yeah, Jim, I hear you,” said the other. “Out of all the women I’ve been with I’ve only had two virgins myself; my wife and yours.”

Sent in by the esteemed Mr. Lethal Leprechaun.  He made me promise I would print the next story he sent in and then sends in a story about me.  Nice guy:

Impish was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always, the preacher was standing at the front door shaking hands as the congregation departed.  He grabbed Impish by the arm and pulled him aside.  Then the preacher said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord.”

Impish replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher.”

The Preacher questioned Impish, “Well then why don’t I ever see you except on Christmas and Easter?”

Impish leaned in and whispered back, “I’m in the Secret Service.”

I just got off the phone with a shivering Impish Dragon.

He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist-high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.