Dragon Laffs

Good Morning!  A small earthquake was felt at Dragon Laffs Enterprises North.  First reports were of a magnitude 4.2, which has since, in one report, been downgraded to a 3.8.  Dragon Laffs Enterprises North (DLEN) has reported some minor shaking, loud rumbling, but no damage or injury at this time.  The Epicenter (as indicated by the green arrow behind the orange balloon to the south of the map above) was about 22 miles southeast of DLEN (as indicated by the red X at the north of the map).  In an interview with a loyal camper (the orange balloon) earlier, we learned that at that point he felt some strong shaking, rattling of glass and small objects knocked over. 

The concern is of the New Madrid Fault cutting loose.  (Seen in the map to the right)  A major earthquake at this fault, the closest to the location of the current earthquake, would be devastating to the country. 

Anyway, as of this time, all seems well.  I’ll keep you updated as much as I can.

Now, on to the rest of your day!  Look for another issue of Dragon Laffs soon!

Cheers!

So, you can either take this as being very late for Wednesday or very early for Thursday.  I don’t suppose it matters that much.  I am enjoying my time off (as you can probably tell from the lack of Dragon Laffs coming out) but I am also running very low on material.  I have lots and lots of pictures and cartoons, but jokes are becoming very rare.  You can submit jokes, articles, cartoons, pictures, etc at this address:
DragonLaffs-owner@yahoogroups.com
Remember the guidelines.
#1 It has to be funny, or poignant, or topical or important
#2 It has to either be new (to us) or a golden oldie
#3 If it’s commentary (yours or someone else’s) it has to be well written and not just finger-pointing and name calling.
And that’s about it!  If you want to share it, then send it in.  If we don’t use it, don’t feel bad; it may just not fit in, we may have already run it or something similar or it may just not be our cup-of-tea.  Sometimes we give credit for a piece and sometimes we don’t, believe it or not, it is a matter of convenience and storage more than anything else.  We don’t usually give credit for pictures because we are so far ahead they are stored numerically until we use them and it’s hard to remember who sent in what.  If you have something for the Last Word we almost always give credit for that.
If you simply have to have credit given for a certain piece, please let us know and we will do what we can, but if it’s too much of a pain-in-the-arse we may just decide not to use it.
Also, please don’t claim something is yours when it isn’t. 

That’s it for now, let’s go laugh!

Tests of the English Majors
I got 10 out of 12 or 83%.  So, what is that, a B? Sheesh!

Attempt to translate these verbose and hyperbolic presentments of catholic usage into more simplistic linguistics for universal comprehension—

1. Scintillate, Scintillate, asteroid exiguous.
2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
3. Surveillance should precede salutations.
4. Pulchritude poses possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid.
6. Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
7. The stylus is more potent then the claymore.
8. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.
9. Eschew the implement of correction of vitiate the scion.
10. The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not does reach 212 F’.
11. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
12. Where there are visible vapors in ignited carbonaceous material, there is conflagration.

The Answers are below

Answers to the English Major Quiz

Answers:

1. Twinkle, twinkle, little star.
2. Birds of a feather, flock together.
3. Think before you speak.
4. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
5. Don’t cry over spilled milk.
6. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
7. The pen is mightier than the sword.
8. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
9. Spare the rod and spoil the child.
10. A watched pot doesn’t boil.
11. All that glitters is not gold.
12. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.

What an excellent idea!
Truly, you could spend a lot of time here!
http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Uncyclopedia:About

New Year’s Cats Singing
http://llerrah.com/newyearcats.htm 

Oh good lord, now Stephanie is getting in on the Groaners!  Will it never end!

Q.  What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with an Atheist?

A.  Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

Gives us just another reason to be proud to be a Veteran! Thanks for sharing this one, Dad!

A Great Golf Story
To my golfing friends, Hope you take the time to watch this video and especially this time of year reflect on what we have and what many have given for us.

The next time you carve a tee shot out of bounds, miss a 3 foot birdie putt, chunk your second shot into a water hazard, 3 putt a green, chili-dip a flop shot into a bunker or skull a wedge 20 yards over a green – kind of like my normal round…. I think we might  want to take a deep breath and thank God we have what we have.

If you keep watching, it goes through a bunch of them with the same characters:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XChgJoQz8pY&list=PLAE907EE915CF720E&index=33&playnext=2

“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why, God? Why me?” and the thundering voice
of God answered, “There’s just something about you that pisses me off.”

One of the way cool things in my line of work is the pictures that I get sent and get to deal with.  Some of these storms are so fantastic, it’s impossible to imagine the forces and power involved.  As many of you know, one of my personal goals in life is to photograph a tornado, my little brother has worked as a storm chaser and I envy him a lot because of that.  I will let you guys know if I ever achieve that goal, but in the meantime, I generally carry a camera with me wherever I go since you never know when you are going to see something worth taking a picture of.

Today’s Last Word is from our dear camper friend George.  He hits it pretty well on the head here with something that we here at DL Enterprises have been saying for some time now.  Please take a minute to read this and think about what is being said:

Well, I sure hope that Christmas was as good at your house as it was at my cave.  We had an extra special great time!  Santa brought us a Wii for the family.  I wonder if I should be concerned that he brought my littlest girl “How To Train Your Dragon.”  Both the game and the movie!  What is this?  She’s supposed to get instruction from the movie, practice from the game and then real-life exercise from working on her poor, old, dad?…Here’s a horrible thought…I wonder if Lethal Leprechaun had anything to do with those gifts?  … Okay, so here’s a worse thought… I wonder if her mom had anything to do with those gifts!  I’d love to ask Santa about it, but him and I aren’t on speaking terms and according to the paperwork, I have to stay at least 50 yards away from him at all times.  Anyway…

Let’s get on with the laughter!

Way cool stuff from Makeuseof.com
http://www.makeuseof.com/tech-fun/gadget-anatomy/

This one requires major warnings, flashing lights and stop signs!  Please be careful and handle only with PPE (Personal Protective Equipment).  The scary part is that this one is from our dear friend, K²

A man goes to the doctor.  He says, “Doc, you gotta check my leg.  Something’s
wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you’ll hear it!”

“I have no idea what to tell you. There’s nothing about it in my books,” he said, as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.  “I can make a well educated guess though,” he continued.  “Based on life and all my previous experience, I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places.”

And of course our dear Zack has to have return fire…

Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was killing their sheep. They staked out an area of the woods near their fields, and waited. After a while, sure enough, there came the cougar. They patiently waited until it was close, and then they both jumped up and shot it at the same time.
They couldn’t tell whose bullet had taken the cougar’s life! They decided to share the credit, and also to have the cougar stuffed, and they decided to take turns keeping the stuffed cougar. However, this arrangement turned out not to be to their liking. Instead, they decided to divide the stuffed cougar in two, and flip a coin for who would get which end.

Bill lost, and ended up with a mounted trophy of the cougar’s rear. So even though shooting the cougar was a great sporting victory, Bill thought … it was nothing but a catastrophe.

If you don’t slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you!

BE CAREFUL THIS WINTER!

New way to launch Aircraft off a carrier….we are watching new technology being born!  Way cool stuff and Lakehurst NAS is very close to what was “home” to me.
http://www.foxnews.com/scitech/2010/12/24/navy-uses-railgun-launch-fighter-jets/?ref_dom=foxnews.com&ref_url=/us/2010/12/24/epa-moving-unilaterally-limit-greenhouse-gases/

The Table Book Clock ($29.99) proves that not all fancy gadgets have to be obvious. This one masquerades as a set of books on a shelf. Fascinating design decision, don’t you think?
Dang!  Wish I had seen this in time to put it on my Christmas Wish List.  Way cool! There’s always next year I suppose.  LOL. 

Visit 5 of the world’s greatest museums without ever leaving your house!  Do it virtually!  Really, really good stuff here folks.  You could spend hours and hours just going through the Smithsonian alone!
http://www.makeuseof.com/tag/visit-5-virtual-museums-leaving-home/

Oh this is just GREAT!
Now Tom is getting in on the act!

This man walks in to a psychiatrist’s office and lies down on the couch. The shrink says, “What makes you think you need the services of a psychiatrist?”

The man replies that he wakes up every night in the kitchen after some pretty
crazy sleepwalking.

The shrink says, “So, would you like me to try to cure you of sleepwalking?”

The man explains that the sleepwalking isn’t really the problem. Every time he wakes up he is in the same place, doing the same thing – he has his pajamas around his ankles and his dick in a jar of peanuts.

The psychiatrist says, “I think I know what your problem is. You’re fucking nuts.”

For the man who has everything…..here it is!  Something else!

Magnetic Moose Bottle Opener

Add a little fun and function to your kitchen or bar with this Moose bottle opener. The strong magnetic back attaches to your refrigerator or other metal surface; just put the bottle in the moose’s mouth and it pulls the cap off quickly. 6.5in.L x 4.5in.W x 8.5in.H.

And speaking of home towns………http://vimeo.com/18213768

Tarzan and Jane were expecting their fourth child and were pretty strapped for cash, so Tarzan decided to go into the used-crocodile business. Monday morning he got up early,
shaved, put on his best loin cloth, swung down to the river, and spent the whole day fighting, haggling over and hassling with cranky crocs.
As dusk fell, a wan Tarzan swung back to the treehouse and demanded, “Quick, Jane, a martini!” Tossing it back he barked, “Another, Jane, on the double!” Gulping it down, he
held out his glass again. “One more, Jane.”
“Aw, honey, don’t you think you’re overdoing it a bit?” she chided gently.
“You don’t understand, Jane… it’s a jungle out there.”

Yes, indeedy deed…that was another awful one from Zack!

http://tastelikepizza.com/item/2010/11/france-got-talent—frog-man 

We were a poor family and it was a bone-chilling cold winter.
My Daddy asked me what I wanted for Christmas. Knowing full-well
that “Santa” couldn’t afford the new bicycle I really wanted, I
answered, “Well, Dad, I’d like a new pair of corduroy pants and
something small to play with, if that’s okay.”
Impatiently, I waited for Christmas morning and of course, I
couldn’t race downstairs until I could hear Mom and Dad stirring
around down there, getting breakfast going.
Cautiously, I crept down the stairs and looked over the banister
rail at our lovely (but scantily decorated) Christmas tree. I could
see at least one box that I was sure was for me!
Trying my best not to rush over to the tree to confirm my hopes, I
went into the kitchen and after we finished breakfast, Mom suggested
we go into the front parlor and see what Santa had brought us. Mom
could tell I was itching to see my gift, so it was the first box she
distributed. Sure enough, it was the box I spied on my way
downstairs earlier.
I eagerly tore off the (re-used) wrapping paper and the little
home-made bow, lifted the lid and….
There was the most magnificent pair of dark brown corduroy pants I’d
ever seen!
Mom said, “Try them on, Son, and see if they fit you.”
I whisked off my pajama bottoms and pulled on my new pants. “Did
Santa bring me something small to play with?” I asked.
Dad said, “Well, Son, put your hands in the pockets of them there
new pants!”
I did as directed. The bottoms of both pockets had been cut out!

Impish offered to care for the eight-year-old daughter of his
next-door neighbor. She arrived in time to prepare breakfast.
Impish laid a generous helping of bacon and eggs in front of the
child.

“Mother always serves hot biscuits for breakfast,” said the
eight-year-old.

So, Impish, grumbling somewhat but very eager to oblige, hurried into the kitchen and quickly prepared a plate of hot biscuits, which he laid in front of the girl.

“No, thank you,” she said.

“But I thought you said your mother always prepares hot
biscuits for breakfast!” said Impish in surprise.

“She does,” said the child. “But I don’t eat them.”

============

A foursome of guys including Impish Dragon is waiting at the men’s tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies’ tee.

The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady (Mrs Dragon) is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet and then hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says, apologetically, “I guess all those “FUCKING  LESSONS” I took over the winter didn’t help”!!!

Impish immediately responds, “Well, there you have it. You should have taken “GOLF LESSONS” instead.”

He never even had a chance to duck…he was only 52.

============

Impish had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so he decided to try to figure out what it meant. He figured it had something to do with the computer, so he started trying to find the sex drive on his.

Impish looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel then he got out all the manuals and went  through them. He finally came to the conclusion that his computer is not equipped with one.

So Impish decided to go to the computer store and see if he could buy one. Impish wanted to look intelligent and scholarly, so he wore his ‘Proudly Polish’ hat. Well, the salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking woman. Impish gave her the make and model of his computer and asked her if she had any sex drives in stock. She kinda scowled at him and asked him if he was trying to get smart  with her. Figuring (wrongly) that she had been impressed with his  ‘Proudly Polish’  hat, Impish replied that he tried to be smart with everyone. She said, rather rudely Impish thought, that she couldn’t help him and walked away.

HUH, Impish thought, must not have had any in stock.

In the second store, Impish gave the salesperson the make and model of his computer and asked if they had any sex drives in stock.
The salesperson kind of snickered and asked if Impish meant a hard drive. Impish thought about it for a minute and told him yeah, maybe that, but I think I should already have one installed. The salesperson started laughing at him said something about Impish trying to kill him. “You’re killing me!” Something like that and walked away.

Impish thought,” Hmmmm… must be out here too.
Must be hard to keep in stock I wasn’t trying to kill him I wasn’t even hurting him.”

The guy in the third store laughed and asked Impish if he’d just fallen off the turnip truck. Impish assured him he’d never been on a turnip truck, but he’d fallen off the manure wagon a few times. He mumbled something about that explaining it. “He’s fallen off the wagon, that explains it,” like that and walked away laughing.

The guy in the fourth store said something like, “noob” under his breath and walked away. Impish wondered why the guy thought he was a newly hatched Dragon?

Anyway Impish figured they must  not carry them in stores, he’d maybe have to order one  from a catalog or something.

So that’s where Impish is at now, my catalog file. If any of you have some computer skills and could help him locate his sex drive, Impish would appreciate it then all he’d have to do is figure out what to do with it.