We just got through 3 episodes in a row, thanks to Independence Day. I’m actually working on this one on the 4th, while relaxing in my living room, it’s early afternoon. I slept WAY in this morning. It was almost 8 when I got up. That’s because Izzy and I were over at a friends house last night for a pre-fourth cook out. She swam in their pool and I caught up with an old friend. A lady I used to work for almost 20 years at the Sheriff’s Dept. We spent several hours catching up. It was SO nice. She looks almost exactly the same as she did 20 years ago.
So, let’s see, this one is for Monday the 7th. So, I’m relatively caught back up again. I was over a week and a half ahead at one point and now I’m staying fairly current.
So, let’s go ahead and get to the fun stuff, shall we?
And you don’t think your sign is a little …. nuts?
A pastor and his family (two children) were invited to attend a cousin’s high school graduation. He thought he’d prepare the kids, knowing how fidgety they can get.
“Graduations are sometimes long, boring events,” he said. “I want you guys to behave and not ask constantly when it’s going to be over.”
“Don’t worry, Dad. We’ll live,” the daughter replied. “We last through all your sermons, don’t we?”
I got a special email from Pete:
I started trying Medical Marijuana to see if it would relieve any of this pain of mine. I’m not sure what this stuff is or where it came from but, IT IS NOT THE MARIJUANA from my youth. I mean it was colorful and all sticky and it was some big flower top, it wasn’t a sandwich bag filled up with seeds and stems and there were no loose leaf pieces to pick out and roll. I didn’t know what to do so, here I am pulling at this flower like I was doing “she loves me, she loves me not” trying to get something to roll and smoke. That was not working so well so, I picked up the scissors, I thought I could just cut some of it up, oh nay nay, everything I touched was sticking to my figures now. I’m standing there trying to release the scissors and for some reason I sat my other hand down on a tissue so, I could wipe the sweat out of my eyes, Well now I have a cheap tissue glued to all five fingers and the palm of my hand so I take my other hand, the one with the scissors still welded to it, and I’m going to try and pick off the tissue and my phone rings. It scares me, I jump, knock over my soda can and when I went to grab it I put the scissors right through the can and knock my phone on the floor. Now instead of dealing with soda running out of the hole in the can, I go down after my phone, you know cause God forbid I broke my phone. As I am bend over getting the phone the now emptying soda is running off the table onto my head and back, again startled, I straighten up real fast and hit my head on the table. So, there I stand, a mess of sticky tissue stuck to my wet phone, stuck to my one hand, scissors still hanging off the other hand, my soda all over the table and everything on it and a big puddle still dripping on the floor, I have soda running down my face into my eyes and my head and back are soaked with cold sticky soda and now I have a knot on my head. Anyway after about an hour of clean up, I figured it out and got one rolled and smoked it. After all of that, I find that it not only looks nothing like what we used to smoke, there is just no effect to it either. I rolled another one and decided to go smoke it outside and take the dog for a walk….
This little girl is fantastic!
No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her.
Men’ s Room Linda’s Bar and Grill
Chapel Hill, NC
Yeah, ain’t karma a pain.
It’s hard to make a comeback
when you haven’t been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus
Wickenburg , AZ
Make love, not war.
Hell, do both…
GET MARRIED!
Women’s restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT
If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York , New York
Express Lane:
Five beers or less.
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix , AZ
As it is for all of us!
You’re too good for him..
Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom
Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills , CA
No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom,
Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills , CA
My dear friends, thanks for being along for the ride today. May God Bless you all with love and happiness until we meet again.
I just finished up the Independence Day episode. That was really something. So, since I’m going back to work soon, I want to at least get this one started since it comes out the day after the last one. It is just a regular issue, which means that we’re just here to have fun!
So, let’s have some fun!
Okay, this one is from Stephanie. Make sure you turn the volume on and pay attention. It is outstanding. Click here: HERE
Since we’re doing stuff from Stephanie, here’s another pretty good one. Click here.
I’m a Christian pastor who was born in Egypt. Here are 3 facts I learned about Iran’s nuclear obsession
Attacks by Israel and the United States against Iran’s nuclear facilities have dealt a serious setback to the clerics’ nuclear ambitions—but don’t be misled
I grew up in a Christian community in Egypt. Like many other families, we suffered firsthand under the oppressive rule of the Islamo-socialist regime of Gamal Abdel Nasser, chairman of the Revolutionary Command Council of Egypt. Later, Nasser’s military dictatorship controlled every aspect of our lives.
As a young man, I escaped the repression of Nasser’s Egypt and made my way to freedom in America. Having lived under Islamo-socialism in Egypt, I have a deep compassion for the suffering people of Iran. They only want to live in peace.
But the leaders of Iran are committed to a death-cult ideology—and to a nuclear showdown with Western civilization. Here are three key facts that show why Iran’s radical clerics will never abandon their nuclear obsession:
Fact No. 1: A nuclear-armed Iran cannot be deterred by Cold War nuclear doctrines.
During the Cold War, the logic of Mutually Assured Destruction (MAD) kept nuclear superpowers in check. Every president, premier, and prime minister knew that launching a nuclear attack would invite annihilation.
I’ve heard people say, “We’re already living with a nuclear-armed North Korea and a nuclear-armed Pakistan. Would a nuclear-armed Iran be any worse?”
In fact, a nuclear-armed Iran would be infinitely worse. The reason is that Shiite Islam—the ruling ideology in Iran—makes Cold War doctrines of deterrence obsolete. Here’s why:
Fact No. 2: Iran’s leaders have a religious incentive to launch Armageddon.
I’ve spent countless hours talking to Sunni and Shiite Muslims in the Middle East. I also studied cultural anthropology at Emory University, with a focus on radical Islamic movements. My research was published in a textbook, “Revolt against Modernity.” I believe it’s vitally important that we in the West understand Islamic history and Islamic beliefs.
Islam is divided into several sects, most notably Sunnis and Shiites. In 1501, the Safavid rulers of the Persian Empire declared Twelver Shiite Islam the official state religion, distinguishing Persia from its Sunni neighbors. After Persia was renamed Iran in 1935, Twelver Shiism remained the official faith.
Twelver Shiism is the largest branch of Shia Islam, and is defined by its belief in twelve divinely ordained Imams (rightful successors to Muhammad). The last Imam, Muhammad al-Mahdi, supposedly went into occultation (a miraculously hidden state) in the 9th century. Twelvers claim the Mahdi will one day reappear to establish global justice.
Many of Iran’s clerics fervently believe that, before the Mahdi can be revealed, an apocalyptic battle must be fought between faithful Muslims and the forces of evil. As a result, some Iranian leaders—and possibly the Ayatollah himself—are motivated to trigger a nuclear war to fulfill the ancient prophecies and force the appearance of the hidden Mahdi.
Iran officially denies having a nuclear weapons program. In October 2003, Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khamenei, issued a fatwa stating that nuclear weapons are forbidden under Islam. The International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA), however, claims Iran has enough highly enriched uranium to build nine nuclear warheads. Shiite Islam invented a religious/judicial doctrine called Taqiyya, which necessitates deceiving your enemies until you have the upper hand.
The recent attacks by Israel and the United States against Iran’s nuclear facilities have dealt a serious setback to the clerics’ nuclear ambitions—but don’t be misled. Iran’s Twelver Shiite clerics will never abandon their fanatical dream of launching a final war and revealing the long-hidden Mahdi.
Fact No. 3: A nuclear-armed Iran threatens not only Israel, but all of Western civilization.
Iran has shown that its missiles are capable of penetrating Israel’s Iron Dome defense systems. Imagine if those missiles carried nuclear warheads! Even more troubling, Iran is aggressively developing intercontinental ballistic missiles (ICBMs) through its space launch vehicle (SLV) program.
The director of the U.S. Defense Intelligence Agency, Lt. Gen. Robert Ashley, told Congress that Iran could use its SLV program to work “toward an ICBM capability.” Whenever Iran tests a satellite launch vehicle, it’s flexing its ability to threaten Europe and North America.
The Iranian clerics have made their goal clear: “Death to Israel! Death to America!” But we in the West do not seek the death of Iran. We only want the Iranian people to be free from theocratic oppression.
The people of Iran have repeatedly risen up against the Islamist regime—the 1999 Student Protests, the 2019 “Bloody November” protests, the 2022 women’s rights protests, and many others. Each time the people rose up, the government brutally extinguished their cries for freedom.
I trust and hope that another uprising comes soon, and that the people of Iran achieve their liberation. And I also hope that the leaders of the United States, Europe, and Israel do everything in their power to speed the arrival of that day.
I found that very interesting and very informative and things make a lot more sense now. It seems I knew all this information from other sources, but I never put it all together like that before.
I don’t think I’ve shown this one to you guys yet. Took this one at about 2 in the afternoon I believe. Here was the day. Sunny to start the day, then pour down rain, then sunny, then big time thunderstorm to close down the flightline, then this picture…the thunderstorm is fading away behind me. I guess you can’t really tell from this picture, but the sky was the bluest blue and the clouds were the whitest white. God was really showing off that day.
Not the first time I’ve seen this, but I’m just using this as a reminder for me to get mine installed. It’s my 4th of July weekend project.
Yup … been there.
I got a short, interesting email from a long time reader, but (I think) a first time commenter. It’s kind of nice when you start a poll, people reply AND comment on other things that they care about. I LOVE hearing about what you guys care about even when it’s something that you might think goes against my grain. For instance, several of you have said something similar to, “I love reading you stuff, even when I don’t agree with you.”
Well, I really don’t expect you to agree with me all the time. That would be kind of insane, wouldn’t it? Like I told one reader, I would expect that you would laugh at the stuff that you thought was funny, ignore the stuff that you didn’t, and hope that there was more of the first than the second. If it gets to the point where the ratio is backwards, well then I guess there are other places to get your laugh on. Once a year I ask for donations and if it ever gets to the point where the bills aren’t paid, then I’ll have my answer.
ANYWAY, so I’ve gotten off track … man, I must be getting old…our reader, we’ll call him Jim, asked or stated, really, that he has been a faithful reader for many years and he would like to see a better grade of humor or at least a few jokes in each issue that a guy could tell his friends and not get a weird look back. Now, he made me think for a minute and I think I know what he’s talking about. You’re sitting around at the the diner with your buddies drinking coffee in the morning and you want to make them laugh, but everyone’s already heard all of your jokes, right? So how about a joke or two each issue – fit for morning coffee and the guys – that your buddies haven’t already heard a dozen times.
So, we need some ground rules, right?
It’s gotta be easy enough to remember to bring to the diner.
It’s gotta be clean enough (but not too clean) because Mrs. Olsen could be sitting at the next table and …well…you know how SHE is.
It’s gotta be funny!
It’s gotta be something that the guys haven’t heard before.
Can anybody think of anything else? If not, then that’s our new tasking and our new category and we’re going to call it:
or
or
I think I like Jokes over coffee best, but we’ll see…so, to start us out, let me see what I have in the files…it’s pretty slim pickin’s right now… Okay, so I got two of them from Joe from NJ, so here’s the first one:
Beverly, 90 years young, had played golf every single day since her retirement 25 years ago. But one evening, she returned home looking unusually downcast.
“That’s it,” she told her husband, Gus. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I hit the ball, I can’t see where it goes.”
Gus, who was a remarkable 103 years old, made her a comforting cup of tea and said, “Why don’t you take me along and give it one more try?”
Beverly sighed. “That’s no good,” she replied. “You’re 103! What help could you possibly be?”
Gus straightened up proudly and said, “I may be 103, but my eyesight is perfect!”
The next day, Beverly reluctantly took Gus to the golf course. She teed up, took a powerful swing, and squinted down the fairway. Turning to Gus, she asked, “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” Gus replied confidently. “I told you, my eyesight is perfect.”
“Great!” said Beverly, feeling a surge of hope. “So, where did it go?”
Gus paused for a moment, then scratched his head. “…I don’t remember.”
Okay and here’s the second one:
Beatrice’s nephew was 4 when she was pregnant with her first kid. She allowed him to place his hand on her belly and feel the baby kick.
His little face scrunched and said, “How does the baby get out of there?”
She wanted to keep it simple so she said, “The doctor will help.”
His eyes widened in amazement as he exclaimed, “You’ve got a doctor in there, too?”
Okay, so looking for some feedback here folks. On the idea, on the logos, which one do you like best, and most of all, send me some jokes!
Me, too. And apparently so are everyone else on this page. LOL! LOL!
While in a pub in England, a condom machine in the men’s room had this on the ad: “Manufactured to strict British standards.”
Underneath, someone had scratched, “So was the Titanic.”
And that brings us to the end of this episode, but not before we give an update to…
So, we’ve gotten some more inputs on our generations poll, but it’s becoming OVERWHELMING that we’re all boomers around here. LOL! Here’s the current results.
This, of course, is the bottom of my spreadsheet that shows a whooping 76.9% boomer rate. Granted, we still only have 26 people out of potential thousands who could have replied, but really, I guess that’s about a good enough sample. I’ll continue to take updates and remind you of the poll and see where it leads us, but for the time being, that’s pretty cool.
In the meantime, may God Bless you with love and happiness until we meet again.
Happy birthday America! Two-hundred, forty-nine years old.
If I make it another year, and before you freak out, there’s no reason to think that I won’t, but there is reason to think that the Rapture could happen between now and then, and we can talk about that later.
Ahem…as I was saying … If I make it another year, I will have seen both the 200th and the 250th anniversary of the greatest country ever!
Mind you, I do believe that the country was much greater in its past then it is now, but it is STILL a GREAT country. And I will defend her with my life if necessary. My oath has not and will not expire.
So, let’s celebrate!
Boy, ain’t that the truth! Or working two full-time and two part-time jobs at the same time to make ends meet. Yes, I did that for almost two years.
Whoever said, “Out of sight, Out of mind” never had a spider disappear in the bedroom.
She says I keep pushing her buttons.
If that were true, I would have found ‘mute’ by now.
Wife: You pick dinner. Husband: Burger. Wife: No. Husband: Tacos. Wife: No. Husband: Subs. Wife: No Husband: Then what do you want? Wife: It’s up to you. WELCOME TO MARRIAGE
What happens when a microscope crashes into a telescope?
They kaleidoscope.
I once envied people who could do cartwheels and such, but now I’m jealous of anyone who can get up off the floor without making grunting noises and holding onto furniture.
I’m so poor, I rub cologne from magazines on my shirt. When people say, “Oh, you smell good, what is that?” I say, “Page 14.”
I love eye jokes…
The cornea the better.
My going out clothes have missed me so much. I put them on and they hugged me so tightly, I could barely breathe.
In High School I was so excited to become a Senior.
I’m not too excited now.
I had no idea I had this many 4th of July memes. I don’t think I’m even close to the end. I don’t even want to check.
Yeah, I just checked…there’s a LOT!
Wow! Happy Birthday America! I had no idea I had that many memes and I left some out. LOL! I don’t know how else to say it…what a great country. Be safe my friends, have a great day!
I like the picture above. There’s only one problem with it that I can see. Can you figure it out like I did?
That’s right!
There’s no way in Ticonderoga that the coffee would be the smallest container! Complete fantasy! Remember:
Yeah, one of my best. Anyway, let’s get this one moving along. I pretty much just finished the last one. I think I’m about a week and a half ahead by now, so why slow down, right?
An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.
While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.
She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her.
He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.
“I’m terribly sorry,” he said, “but I can’t seem to reach it.”
“Try further down,” she said.
At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl, “I feel such a perfect ass.”
“Never mind that!” she cried. “Just get the necklace.”
One of our friends of the show, Chris calls BS on one of the memes that was recently sent out out. Remember this one?
Chris writes and says (and I hope all the links still work):
There are no credible news reports of Malia receiving funds from USAID.
A search on the USAspending website, which provides information on federal spending, shows no USAID, opens new tab funds were awarded to her. Two entries on the website show that the U.S. State Department allocated $41,022 for Malia’s protection, opens new tab and lodging, opens new tab in 2016, while Obama was still president.
The narrative first surfaced on February 9 on the Facebook page of America’s Last Line of Defense (ALLOD), a network of satirical pages and sites. The bio says, “Nothing on this page is real.” The post was shared by the page on three, opens new tabdifferent, opens new tabdays, opens new tab.
Outstanding work, Chris! Thank you so much for doing the follow-up work and keeping the facts straight and keeping us honest here at DL. I expect the great campers to do their homework when they send me stuff, but I understand that things sometimes slip through their fingers and with the hundreds of things that I get on a weekly basis there is now way that I have the time to check them all, so it is wonderful and comforting to know that I have friends out there that when it doesn’t pass their own smell test they go out and check it and feel comfortable enough with me that they can write back and say I screwed up. Thanks again, Chris, it is deeply appreciated.
I got that last one from Izzy’s page. It made me laugh, so I stole it.
It was their fifth anniversary, and Nina and Lloyd had just returned from the movies.
Nina was feeling romantic.
“Will you love me when my hair has turned to silver?” she crooned.
“Why not?” Lloyd grunted. “Didn’t I love you through 4 other shades?”
Stanley stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, “My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my house slippers please?”
Stanley obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend’s daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says…..
“Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!”
They stare at him and say, “That can’t be!”
He replies, “OK, let’s check!”
He shouts at his friend down the stairs, “Both of them?”
…..”Yes, both of them!”
The Chief Resident remarked to the Unit Director of the busy ICU that there seemed to be an awful lot of expectant Nurses in their Unit.
As they were walking down the hall, he was becoming concerned about a possible staff shortage and inquired of the Director when each pregnant Nurse they passed was due.
Each time the Director would respond, “Some time in late September.” Coming upon the 5th expectant Nurse, he asked yet again.
The Director responded, “I have no idea Sir. Norma Jeanne wasn’t at the Christmas Party.”
An extremely obese woman shows up at her doctor’s office crying and claims that she has tried every possible way to lose weight, all to no avail.
She continues to sob, “My husband won’t make love to me any more. My friends make fun of me. Everywhere I go they tease me. I just can’t take it any more!”
The doctor, hoping to help her, proposes a radical diet … rectal feeding.
Reassuring the patient that she won’t starve to death, the doctor explains that she’ll actually take in enough nutrients, through the rectal walls, to sustain life and that she’s sure to lose weight in the process.
Three weeks later the patient comes in for a follow-up appointment and she’s down from her 360 pounds to a trim 110 pounds.
At first the doctor doesn’t recognize her and asks his nurse,
“Who is that beautiful lady in the waiting area?”
The nurse reminds the doctor that she’s the fat lady on the special, rectal diet.
The doctor show the patient into the exam room and notices that she’s bouncing up and down and side to side quite energetically.
The doctor asks how she’s doing and if there was anything wrong.
The patient replies, “I’m feeling great Doc. Never felt better!”
“In that case, why are you bouncing up and down and side to side?”
The patient replies, “Oh, that …
…………. I’m just chewing gum.”
Back in my day, there was so much toilet paper and so many eggs that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies.
Wouldn’t it be ironic…
to die in the living room?
What if…one day Google was deleted and we couldn’t Google what happened to Google?
Please, Dear Lord, don’t EVER let that become me!
I can hear PETA and my Vegan friends screaming in the background…while I laugh and laugh.
And the frustration that we all felt when we tried to the point that we would erase a hole in the paper.
Nice!
It was a cartoon, dude. Get over it.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires.
Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
What if dogs lick us because they know we have bones inside us and they want them?
Before we close, let’s go over the latest updates to our
We are now up to a whooping 14 responses. Here’s the current breakdown: Lost Generation, 1883-1900 (142 to 125 years old) — 0 didn’t really expect any, did we? Greatest, G.I. Gen, 1901-1927 (124 to 98 years old) — 0 still pretty low expectations Silent Generation, 1928-1945 (97 to 80 years old) –3 (21.43%) not bad Baby Boomers, 1946-1964 (79 to 61 y/o) — 10 (71.43%) the overwhelming majority! Generation X, 1965-1980 (60 to 45 y/o) — 1 (7.14%) I really expected more than 1 Millennials, Gen Y, 1981-1996 (44 to 29) — 0 actually kind of surprising Zoomers, Gen Z, 1997-2012 (28 to 13) — 0 I would have to issue a parental advisory Generation Alpha, 2013 – ? (12 years old and under) — 0 thank goodness!
So, come on! How tough is it to drop me a fast comment to the website or a fast email to impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com ?
“Hi, it’s Smokey. I’m a Silent Gen and my wife is a Gen X. Love the show!”
See, it’s that easy!
But I gotta say, Smokey, at the very best dude, you’re 20 years older than your wife…, now, that’s not bad if you got married when you were 60 and she was 40, but if you were 40 and she was 20…? Or you were 35 and she was …
Anyway, none of my business.
Still, it’s not that hard to write to the show, and see, we get to talk about you when you do!
Although, maybe that’s not such a good selling point.
Forget that last part.
I really do love the comments that a lot of you add to your generation sends. You guys should go to the website and read along…the website? Well, for those of you who just get the email and never go to the website, it’s a really tough website to find. It’s dragonlaffs.com. I know, tough right? Hard to remember. Here, I’ll even link it for you.
And that about does it for this issue. Since this is about my last day off before I have to go back to work, I’ll get started on another issue as soon as I close out of this one. This one is scheduled to come out on Thursday, 3 July, so I think I’ll do a special fourth of July episode! So you may end up with an episode on Thursday (this one), Friday (the special), and Saturday! Won’t that be awesome!
So, in the meantime, may our Heavenly Father Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again!
Well, today is Tuesday and I’m really enjoying doing nothing on my time off so far. Mostly because I haven’t been doing nothing, but I’ve been doing what I’ve wanted to do and I’ve gotten some stuff caught up and some studying done and mostly I’ve relaxed.
And gotten to spend some time with you guys, which I REALLY like. So …
This first one is very timely, but a bit vulgar, so if there’s any kids in the room, cover their eyes…
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
– Saint Augustine (354-430)
The staff at the office where my wife works was hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague.
As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they couldn’t fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the guest of honor into the car.
Undaunted, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove.
My wife and her co-workers weren’t prepared for the glares they received from passers-by.
As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began to turn, they saw that their car was right behind a funeral procession.
There was nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its farewell message: “Gone but not forgotten.”
I’m going to need some of you guys to start getting weirder. I can’t keep pulling all the weight by myself.
This hit me…
You never really know the true impact you have on those around you. You never know how much someone needed that smile you gave them. You never know how much your kindness turned someone’s entire life around. You never know how much someone needed that long hug or deep talk. So don’t wait to be kind. Don’t wait for someone else to be kind first. Don’t wait for better circumstances or for someone to change. Just be kind, because you never know how much someone needs it.
Wow! I do almost every one of those every day! Especially #5.
When life knocks you down, roll over, and look at the stars.
The biggest irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time.
Don’t take mirrors too seriously. Your true reflection is in your heart.
If I had sex as much as I got screwed life would be AWESOME!!!
Sub: Punish me. Dom: If you want to be punished so bad, shouldn’t your punishment be to not get punished? Sub: Dom: Sub: Dom: Sub: That’s not fair.
I blame OSHA. In the old days stupid people died from being stupid. OSHA has been keeping stupid people alive since the 1970’s. Alive to breed and make more stupid people. Now we have a country full of stupid people. Thanks a LOT OSHA!
Bob’s wife and Bob started dieting a week ago.
His wife proposed that they should have a cheat day today. She brought home McDonald’s burgers, KFC wings, and fries.
Bob brought home his secretary.
From his hospital bed, Bob is wondering when men will ever begin to understand women.
Got an update on our Generations Poll…you remember the Generations Poll. What generation does our Readership fall into? Remember this?
I got a couple of updates.
33% Silent Generation or somewhere between the ages of 97 and 80 56% Baby Boomers or somewhere between the ages of 79 and 61 11% Generation X or between the ages of 60 and 45
And now for the truth in advertising part. We’ve only had 9 responses. That’s 3 Silent Gen, 5 Boomers, and 1 Gen X. Not near as much as I thought I’d get, but hey, it’s a start. Maybe this little nudge will help.
This next one cracked me up! It’s well written and funny as heck!
A PLEA FOR HELP FROM A GROUNDED AUSTRALIAN PILOT TO HIS FRIEND
Hi Mate,
I am writing to you because I need your help to get me bloody pilot’s license back. You keep telling me you got all the right contacts. Well now’s your chance to make something happen for me because, mate, I’m bloody desperate. But first, I’d better tell you what happened during my last flight review with the CAA examiner.
On the phone, Ron (that’s the CAA dickhead) seemed a reasonable sort of bloke. He politely reminded me of the need to do a flight review every two years. He even offered to drive out, have a look over my property, and let me operate from my own strip.
Naturally I agreed to that.
Anyway, Ron turned up last Wednesday. First up, he said he was a bit surprised to see the plane on a small strip outside my homestead because the ALA (Authorized Landing Area) is about a mile away. I explained that because this strip was so close to the homestead it was more convenient than the ALA, and despite the power lines that cross about midway down the strip it’s really not a problem to land and take-off because at the half-way point down the strip you’re usually still on the ground.
For some reason Ron seemed nervous. So although I had done the pre- flight inspection only four days earlier I decided to do it all over again. Because Ron was watching me carefully, I walked around the plane three times instead of my usual two. My effort was rewarded because the color finally returned to Ron’s cheeks. In fact, they were a bright red.
In view of Ron’s obviously better mood, I told him that I was going to combine the test with some farm work as I had to deliver three poddy calves from the home paddock to the main herd. After a bit of a chase I finally caught the calves and threw them into the back of the ol’ Cessna 172. We climbed aboard but Ron started getting on to me about weight and balance calculations and all that crap. Of course I knew that thing was a waste of time because calves like to move around a bit, particularly when they see themselves 500 feet off the ground. So it’s bloody pointless trying to secure them as you know. However, I did tell Ron that he shouldn’t worry as I always keep the trim wheel set on neutral to ensure that we remain pretty stable at all stages throughout the flight.
Anyway, I started the engine and cleverly minimized the warm-up time by tramping hard on the brakes and gunned her to 2,500 rpm. I then discovered that Ron has very acute hearing, even though he was wearing a bloody headset. Through all that noise he detected a metallic rattle and demanded that I account for it. Actually it began about a month ago and was caused by a screwdriver that fell down a hole in the floor and lodged in the fuel selector machanism. The selector can’t be moved now but it doesn’t matter because it’s jammed on “All Tanks” so I suppose that’s okay.
However, as Ron was obviously a real nit-picker, I blamed the noise on a vibration from a steel thermos flask which I keep in a beaut possie between the windshield and the magnetic compass. My explanation seemed to relax Ron because he slumped back in the seat and kept looking up at the cockpit roof. I released the brakes to taxi out but unfortunately the plane gave a leap and spun to the right. “Hell”, I thought, “not the starboard chalk again.” The bump jolted Ron back to full alertness. He looked wildly around just in time to see a rock thrown by the propwash disappear completely through the windscreen of his brand new Commodore.
While Ron was ranting about his car, I ignored his requirement that we taxi to the ALA and instead took off under the power lines. Ron didn’tsay a word, at least not until the engine started coughing right at the lift off point, then he bloody screamed his head off. “Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!” “Now take it easy, Ron” I told him firmly. “That often happens after take-off and there is a good reason for it.” I explained patiently that I usually run the plane on standard MOGAS, but one day I accidentally put in a gallon or two of kerosene. To compensate for the low octane of the kerosene I siphoned in a few gallons of super MOGAS and shook the wings up and down a few times to mix it up.
Since then, the engine has been coughing a bit but in general it works just fine if you know how to coax it properly. Anyway, at this stage, Ron seemed to lose all interest in my flight test. He pulled out some rosary beads, closed his eyes and became lost in prayer. (I didn’t think that anybody was a Catholic these days.)
I selected some nice music on the HF radio to help him relax. Meanwhile, I climbed to my normal cruising altitude of 10,500 feet. I don’t normally put in a flight plan or get the weather because, as you know getting fax access out here is a friggin joke and the bloody weather is always 8/8 blue anyway. But since I had that near miss with a Saab 340 I might have to change my thinking on that. Anyhow, on leveling out I noticed some wild camels heading into my improved pasture. I hate bloody camels and always carry a loaded .303 clipped inside the door of the Cessna just in case I see any of the bastards. We were too high to hit them, but as a matter of principle, I decided to have a go through the open window. Mate, when I pulled the bloody rifle out the effect on Ron was friggin’ electric.
As I fired the first shot his neck lengthened by about six inches and his eyes bulged like a rabbit with myxo. He really looked as if he had been jabbed with an electric cattle prod on full power. In fact, Ron’s reaction was so distracting that I lost concentration for a second and the next shot went straight through the port tyre. Ron was a bit upset about the shooting (probably one of those pinko animal lovers I guess) so I decided not to tell him about our little problem with the tyre.
Shortly afterwards I located the main herd and decided to do my fighter pilot trick. Ron had gone back to praying when, in one smooth sequence, I pulled on full flaps, cut the power and started a sideslip from 10,500 feet down to 500 feet and 130 knots indicated (the last time I looked anyway) and the little needle rushing up the red area on me ASI. What a buzz, mate! About half way through the descent I looked back in the cabin to see the calves suspended in mid air and mooing like crazy. I was going to comment on this unusual sight but Ron looked a bit green and had rolled himself into the fetal position and was screamin’ his freaking head off. Mate, talk about being in a bloody zoo. You should have been there, it was so bloody funny.
At about 500 feet I attempted to level out. For some reason we continued sinking. When we reached 50 feet I applied full power but nothing happened; no noise, no nothin. Then, luckily, I heard me instructor’s voice in me head saying “carby heat, carby heat”. So I pulled carby heat on and that helped quite a lot, with the engine finally regaining full power. Whew, that was really close, let me tell you. Then mate, you’ll never guess what happened next!
As luck would have it, at that height we flew into a massive dust cloud caused by the cattle and suddenly went I.F. bloody R. You would’ve been bloody proud of me as I didn’t panic once, not once, but I did make a mental note to consider an instrument rating as soon as me gyro is repaired. (Something I’ve been meaning to do for a while now.) Suddenly Ron’s elongated neck and bulging eyes reappeared. His mouth opened wide, very wide, but no sound emerged. “Take it easy,” I told him. “We’ll be out of this in a minute.” Sure enough, about a minute later we emerge; still straight and level and still at 50 feet. Admittedly, I was surprise to notice that we were upside down and I kept thinking to myself, “I hope Ron didn’t notice that I had forgotten to set the QNH when we were taxiing”.
This minor tribulation forced me to fly to a nearby valley in which I had to do a half roll to get upright again. By now the main herd had divided into two groups leaving a narrow strip between them. “Ah!,” I thought, “there’s an omen. We’ll land right there.”
Knowing that the tyre problem demanded a slow approach, I flew a couple of steep turns with full flap. Soon the stall warning horn was blaring so loud in me ear that I cut it’s circuit breaker to shut it up, but by then I knew we were slow enough anyway. I turned steeply into a 75 foot final and put her down with a real thud.
Strangely enough, I had always thought you could only ground loop in a tail dragger but, as usual, I was proved wrong again. Halfway through our third loop Ron at last recovered his sense of humour. Talk about laugh. I’ve never seen the likes of it. He couldn’t stop. We finally rolled to a halt and I released the calves, who bolted out of the aircraft like there was no tomorrow. I then began picking clumps of dry grass. Between gut wrenching fits of laughter, Ron asked what I was doing. I explained that we had to stuff the port tyre with grass so we could fly back to the homestead. It was then that Ron really lost the plot and started running away from the aircraft.
Can you believe it? The last time I saw him he was off into the distance, arms flailing in the air and still shrieking with laughter. I later heard that he had been confined to a psychiatric institution- poor bugger.
Anyhow, mate, that’s enough about Ron. The problem is, I just got a letter from CASA withdrawing, as they put it, my privileges to fly; until I have undergone a complete pilot training course again and undertaken another flight proficiency test. Now I admit that I made a mistake in taxiing over the wheel chock and not setting the QNH using strip elevation, but I can’t see what else I did that was so bloody bad that they have to withdraw me flamin’ license.
Can you?
A teenager who had just received her provisional driving licence offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.
The mother got out of the car and said, “Thank you!”
“Anytime,” her daughter replied.
As the woman slammed the door, she said, “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to God.”
A man died leaving one hundred clocks – His son is winding up the estate.
That’s it my friends. Until next time. Remember, you can write to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com or leave a comment here at the blog. Would love to hear from you about what generation you are or about anything.
Dragon Laffs 