So, I missed Thursday, and here it is, Friday and it’s already getting on in the evening.  I’m going to try to get as much of an issue out for you as I can for tomorrow, but we’ll see.

I’ve had a long, hard week my friends.  But, I’m through it and I hope to be back on track.  These things happen.  I do want to thank all of you who wrote me in support of my grief.  Thank you very much.  It helped a lot.  

So, I may go into it a bit more over the weekend for Monday’s issue, but for now, let’s get to the fun stuff.

That one cracked me up to no end!

Yeah, he’s like, “It’s raining, so what?”

Okay, so a little harsh…

Okay, another 0ne from Stephanie that you should click on and watch…so click

HERE

This is my dogs.  Except one of them would bark at the door while the other one would steal TWO pieces and run and hide and I would just be left to wonder if I had just eaten that many.

Yeah, and then mine helps the burglar carry the stuff out.

I disagree.  The DAD.  The DAD says that bikini is too small!

NO!  No, No, NO!  Several thousand years ago, God covered the entire earth with water in a flood and THAT is why there is shells and signs of sea life on the highest mountain peaks.  Read your Bibles people, it is 100% historically accurate.  Ask me how I know!  I can feel another essay coming!

This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.

The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license.

“I must have left it at home, officer.”

“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.

The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”

“Let me see it,” says the cop.

She holds up the mirror and looks in it.

Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you. Have a nice day.”

I think this next one is my new favorite meme!!!

What a GREAT picture!

I remember!  Oh how I remember!

I know, right?  Me, too!

The cowboy sat on a stool drinking a beer as the Mexican, also dressed in western garb sat next to him. There was a slight nod as they looked at each other.

Soon the cowboy ordered another and bought one for the Mexican, also.

When their glasses became empty the cowboy bought again.

Then a third time the cowboy bought again, and the Mexican grinned and spoke something, but the bartender never knew what he said.

Then the cowboy seemed to be infuriated and stood up suddenly drawing his gun and shot the Mexican dead.

At the cowboy’s hearing the judge the judge asked the cowboy. “Why did you suddenly become enraged for no apparent reason and shoot this individual dead.”

“Well, your honor,” the cowboy explained, “I tried to be friendly, and he began calling me names and insulting me for no reason and finally I got mad.”

“What names did he call you that made you so mad that you wanted to kill him?” asked the Judge.

“Well,” answered the cowboy, “three times I bought him a drink, and each time he grinned in my face and called me, ‘Grassy Ass.'”

Leah sent this next one and has this to say about it:

It is easy to store evaporated milk, so I have.  (although the younger generation doesn’t know what it is) I need to use up a lot of mine, haven’t tried this yet, but with butter being so expensive, think I will, However, I will use it in baking, suspect it would never be smart to fry with it.

I also know, in hard times, it can be used to make baby formula.

This next one is AWESOME!

And make sure that you are ready if God calls YOU home tonight.

This one is GREAT!  Some are wise. Some are otherwise.

Remember this one?

Then how about THIS one?

That almost made me cry!  How touching that is!

From Leah:

Seemingly mundane, “boring” verse in Nehemiah 12 says this: “At the Fountain Gate they went up straight before them by the stairs of the city of David, at the ascent of the wall, above the house of David, to the Water Gate on the east.”

Until 2005, David’s palace in ancient Jerusalem had not been discovered.

That year an archaeologist (Eilat Mazar) read that verse that was written 2,400 years ago in the Bible, used the specificity of the details to guess where David’s palace would’ve been, started digging, and found it EXACTLY where Nehemiah 12:37 indicates.

2,400 years. Pinpoint accuracy.

The Bible really happened, y’all.

The real Jesus died on a real cross for the real you

And if you give your life to him, He can really change it forever.

Huh.  That’s funny.  Mine is too.  I wonder if that’s a thing.

No kidding.  I was in the store the other wearing my hat (that I wear everywhere, even to work, by the way) that is black with a silver cross on it.  A lady said to me, “I find that offensive.”  I said, “I so sorry.  We should pray about that.”  She didn’t take that well.

 

When a naked lady stole – and crashed – a Utah police car

Police said the suspect was too “slippery” to catch.

‘Doc, I’m a mechanic. I work for a racecar driver. It’s utterly depressing … I get to fix his car up, maintain it, tune it to perfection. But never – not once- have I been allowed to take it for a spin.

It’s depressing to think that such a wonderful thing is out there purring, but I’ll never get to enjoy it.”

“Well. sir, I think I understand just fine – my brother in law has the exact same problem,” answered the psychiatrist.

‘Is he a mechanic too, doc?’ asked the mechanic.

The psychiatrist replied, ‘No, he’s a gynecologist.”

Me too!  Because…ALL MY BILLS ARE PAID!!!!

A man’s wife was complaining to him one night, “I’m itchy.”

“Yeah. he replied, “but, the B is silent.”

It’s been two weeks now, and he’s really tired of sleeping in the garage.

Okay, not bad.  That’s it.  Until Monday then.  Be well my family and friends.  Love and happiness to you all.

Hello my dear family.

Just a quick heads up to let you know that there may be a missing episode this week. I’m not sure where I’m at in my writing and what’s already in line to publish so I might miss Thursday or it might be Saturday or I might be able to get caught up and not miss anything.

See, here’s the problem. I’ve been a little out of sorts yesterday and today and I am not sure I’ll be back to sorts tomorrow and I’ve got the jail tomorrow night which will eliminate my writing time anyway.

I was going to take the day off today, but decided I would be better off at work around other people instead of home alone.

Man, I’m not saying this right…today is…would have been…still is, I guess, my 30th wedding anniversary.

Mary and I had a lot of plans for this one. Things we didn’t get to do on our 25th. Because on our 25th we had a lightning strike that took out our fridge and stove. I think I told you that story and how every year near our anniversary something went wrong.

Well, for number 30 we were going to Ireland. Her family’s home country. Obviously we didn’t make it.

It has been a long, hard day.

I’ve lost track of the times I’ve cried.

BUT!

I’ve also lost track of the times I’ve laughed and smiled. Facebook, of course, gave me some memories. That was bittersweet. But, MOST importantly, I know where she is right now and it beats the daylights out of Ireland hands down!!! She’s not in pain, she’s with friends and family, and most importantly, she’s spending time with our dear Lord and Savior.

I’m a patient man. I know that compared to eternity, this is just a blip in time. I will be there soon enough. When God is done with me here, He’ll let me know.

But I do miss her so.

Just wanted to let you know, my dear, dear family, that if I drop an issue or even two this week. That’s why. My heads not in the game right now.

So until then, may our loving God Bless you and keep you and shine His face upon you.

Cheers!

ID

I had a great day today.

Did some lead therapy with the Whelpling and his adorable wife first thing this morning.  For those of you who don’t recognize the term, lead therapy is the act of releasing stress and finding joy in sending small pellets of lead down range at a target.  And HEY!  I did so well, I won a prize! 

Only kidding.  They gave me that when we got back to their house.

I ALSO got a late Father’s Day present!  Check this excellent thing out!!!

It is a big, heavy ring with Armor of God on it!  And I love it!  Then my son took me out to breakfast at this great little mom and pop place!  We went strolling in, both of us armed and open carrying and no one even gave us a second glance.  Man I LOVE this country!

Then I got home, Izzy and repaired the front door, hung a picture, and hung a towel rack in the bathroom…you know, just a couple of little things around the house, then Izzy took me out for an early dinnerish thing.  Okay, so I paid, but still!

A GREAT DAY!

And now I get to spend a little time with you guys.  So….

Before we get started, I got a GREAT email today, from a new emailer.  I gotta share.  I sure hope he doesn’t mind. LOL!

Hey! Can I vote numerous times? I'm a Democrat and that is how I vote!

Baby Boomers, 1946-1964 (79 to 61 y/o) -- 10 (71.43%) the overwhelming majority!

Just kidding! Only wanted to say I love your stuff!

Keep on Trumpin and Keep on Smilin!
Ron in Texas
aka Crawdad

Well, Crawdad, welcome to the club my friend.  Only one vote though.  Thanks for the nice words, they are much appreciated.  

Why did the baby get arrested?

He was resisting a rest.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I’m not mad.
 
– Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

Funny, I just taught on this on Friday night.

One day, a police officer pulls a car over and sees the backseat is full of penguins.

The officer tells the driver, “You can’t be doing this, you need to take these penguins

to the zoo!” The next day, the police officer pulls the same car over again, and says,

“Hey! I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” The driver says, “I did, and today I’m taking them to the movies!”

A guy goes to the eye doctor. He says, “I have trouble seeing things at a distance.” The doc takes him over to the window, points up to the sky, and says, “What do you see up there?” The guy says, “The sun.” Doc says, “That’s right. So, exactly HOW far do you need to see, dude?”

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Owls.

Owls who?

Yes, yes, they do.

Funny, that’s exactly the same way that I sleep, knowing the same thing!

A woman walked into a pet store. “I haven’t got much money,” she told the clerk. “Would you let a kitten go cheap?”

“I’d let them, ma’am,” the clerk said. “But they’d prefer to meow

This was sent in by Stephanie, but as you can tell, if you read it, that it is not BY Stephanie.

I still see posts from friends who are livid about what Trump is doing. Please consider the following. 

To whoever wrote this- Well said!! 

When millions of illegals were ushered in through the southern border, you said nothing! 

When they abandoned millions of dollars worth of military equipment in Afghanistan, you said nothing! 

When they flaunted a two-tier justice system, one for them and one for everyone else, you said nothing!

When they covered up the Hunter Biden laptop, you said nothing!

When they passed a trillion-dollar infrastructure bill that failed miserably, you said nothing! 

When they forced Americans to take an untested vaccine, you said nothing! 

When inflation crushed the middle class, you said nothing!

When they sent billions to Ukraine, you said nothing! 

When chemicals polluted the water in East Palestine, Ohio and they ignored it, you said nothing! 

When Americans were raped, robbed and murdered by illegals, you said nothing!

When they implanted Kamala as the presidential nominee without getting a single vote, you said nothing! 

When billionaire and anti-American George Soros funded dozens of AG elections, you said nothing! 

When they turned our classrooms into liberal indoctrination camps, you said nothing! 

When they spent our tax dollars on inmates transition surgeries, you said nothing! 

When they gave the citizens of Hawaii $700 after losing their entire city, you said nothing! 

When they gave free money, food and 5-star hotel lodging to illegals, you said nothing! 

When they came for our free speech, you said nothing! 

When DEI weakened the military and put our national security at risk, you said nothing! 

When they colluded with the media to push false reports, you said nothing!

When it was open season on law enforcement and criminals reigned, you said nothing! 

When they weaponized the justice system to take down their political opponents, you said nothing!

When the bureaucrats took over the White House and ran the government, you said nothing! 

When they covered up Biden’s rapidly declining mental state, you said nothing! 

When they groomed our kids in school and hid it from the parents, you said nothing! 

When the drug epidemic exploded and 1000s died annually, you said nothing! 

When they accosted the Jews on their campuses, you said nothing!

When they weaponized the intelligence agencies against Americans, you said nothing! 

When they spent $45 million dollars on “Diversity and Inclusion” scholarships in Burma, you said nothing!

When they let men play women’s sports, you said nothing! 

When they chanted “Death to America” and burned our flag, you said nothing! 

When they shut down our energy production and emboldened Russia, you said nothing! 

When the crime rates in American cities increased, you said nothing!

While thousands of veterans were left to sleep out on the streets, you said nothing!

When 300,000 migrant children went missing and no one had a clue, you said nothing!

When Joe Biden pardoned his friends and family, you said nothing!

When they sent billions to Iran and inadvertently funded Hamas, you said nothing! 

When men were celebrated for pretending to be women, you said nothing! 

When they let a Chinese Spy Balloon sail across America, you said nothing! 

When 50 intelligence agents all lied to bury the Hunter Biden laptop as Russian disinformation, you said nothing! 

When American citizens were taken hostage and held for a year in Gaza, you said nothing! 

When Facebook admitted, they conspired with the Biden administration to censor the truth, you said nothing!

When they cleaned the streets of San Francisco for the communist Chinese President Xi Jinping, you said nothing!

When Fauci and the WHO peddled covid 19 virus lies and covered up the origins, you said nothing! 

When they sealed the January 6th commission files or “lost them”, you said nothing! 

You saw the corruption, the lies, the bad policy, the anti-American agenda and said nothing, so please spare us your crocodile tears and all your fake hysteria now. For 4 years you watched this country get run into the ground on all fronts and you said nothing!

Now, it’s our turn!!!! 🇺🇸🙏🏼🏆

Bobby Miller

I have to share this with you…It is ABSOLUTE best recipe for fruitcake I have ever tried and thought you might enjoy it!
 
1 cup water – 1tsp baking soda – 1 cup sugar 1 tsp salt – 4 large eggs – 1 cup brown sugar – 2 cups dried fruit – a few drops lemon juice – 1 cup nuts and 1 gallon whiskey
 
0-Sample the whiskey to check quality
 
1-Take a large bowl

2-check the whiskey again to make sure it is of the highest quality
 
3-pour 1 level cup and drink
 
4-repeat
 
5-turn electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl
 
6-add 1 tsp sugar and beat again
 
7-make sure whiskey is still ok, try another cup
 
8-turn off the mixer
 
9-break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit
 
10-mix on the turner
 
11-if the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it loose with a drewscriver
 
12-sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity
 
13-next,sift 2 cups salt, or something, who cares
 
14-check the whiskey
 
15-now, sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts
 
16-add 1 tbs sugar or something, whatever you can find
 
17-grease the oven
 
18-turn on the cake pan to 350 degrees
 
19-don’t forget to beat off the turner
 
20-throw the bowl out the window
 
21-check the whiskey
 
22-go to bed…..who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

Q. What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?

 

A. Lost!

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But, I couldn’t help myself.  I sneaked in and watched him.  I watched him make his stupid little peach shoes.  Taunting him, “Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say.  “They’re stupid.” I’d taunt.
But on he worked.

What’s the difference between a Northern Fairy Tale and a Southern Fairy Tale?

A Northern Fairy Tale begins “Once upon a time” and a Southern Fairy Tale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this!”

And the only difference between those two and a war story is the the war story begins “I remember the time.” 

And that’s it for today my friends.  May God Bless you and keep you until we meet again.

Okay, it has been a bad week.  Next week is going to be a worse week.  I’m finding it difficult to get stuff done due to handling problems. 

I need to laugh!  Really bad.  Can we just all agree to skip the small talk and just get to the good stuff?

Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into your eyes, yet when I DO have something in my eye it’s always an eyelash.

Eyeronic

Paddy is at the airport with two sacks, one over each shoulder, when all of a sudden he gets stopped by Customs.  They search each sack and find loads of mobile phones in them.

They ask Paddy, “Why do you have so many mobile phones, Paddy?”

Paddy replies, “Well, when I was on my travels in America, I got a call from my mate Mick in Cork and he told me he was starting up a jazz band and could I bring back two saxophones.”

Please do not wear flip-flops if your feet look like you could swoop down out of the sky and snatch your dinner from a lake.

If we get enough people to do it, it will work.

I was going shopping to buy a gift for my wife and asked her for her sizes. “If it is clothes it’s small’ “If it’s diamonds, I wear Large”

HEY!  I eventually figured it out!!!

My husband is a doctor, and he received an emergency call from a blonde patient. She had a fly in her ear.
 
He suggested an old home remedy. Pour warm olive oil into your ear and lie down for a few minutes,” he said. When you lift your head the fly should emerge with the liquid.”
 
The blonde patient thought that sounded like a good idea, but she still asked, “Into which ear should I pour the oil?”

Why won’t cannibals eat divorced women?

 

They’re always bitter.

Man 1: “Today Facebook saved my life.”
Man 2: “How?”
Man 1: “It reminded me about my wife’s birthday!”

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines.

Finally after many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'”

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he’s practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”

The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

“You fool!” he cried, “You have ruined me!”

The actor was bewildered, “What happened? Did I forget my line?” he asked.

“No, you idiot!” the director screamed, “You forgot the rose!” 

FLUKEY OR SPOOKY?
 
TWO sisters decided to pay a surprise visit to each other. As they travelled in opposite directions along a rural highway in America, their identical jeeps collided and both were killed. Is this just coincidence or are there greater forces at work, bringing us closer than we ever thought possible? A fascinating new book, Beyond Coincidence, examines this baffling phenomenon. Here CLARE MORRISROE describes the most bizarre stories of them all…
 
THE KEY
CALIFORNIAN Williard Lovell locked herself out of her house. She spent 10 minutes trying to find a way in when the postman handed her a letter from her brother. In it was the spare key he had taken back to Washington after a visit.
 
TWO LAURAS
IN June 2001, 10-year-old Laura Buxton of Burton, Staffs, was at a party where she wrote her name and address on a luggage label, attached it to a helium balloon and released it into the sky. It floated 140 miles until finally coming to rest in the garden of another 10-year-old Laura Buxton, in Pewsey, Wilts. The girls got in touch and became friends, upon which they found each had fair hair, owned a black Labrador, guinea pig and rabbit.
 
SHARED FORE-TUNES
A STRAY golf ball hit a man on a course in Stockport, Cheshire, in September 2001. Ten days later his wife was hit by a ball at the same spot…struck by the same golfer.
 
SISTERS’ GRAVE ERROR
SISTERS Doris Jean Hall and Sheila Wentworth both decided to drop in on each other for a surprise visit. As they were travelling in opposite directions on the rural American highway, Alabama 25, their identical jeeps collided and both were killed.
 
WHEELIE SPOOKY FILM star James Dean, pictured above at the wheel of his Porsche Spyder
sports car, died aged 24 in 1955 when he crashed it. The car was taken to a garage, where it fell on a mechanic, breaking his leg. The engine was sold to a doctor who put it in his racing car, crashed and died. In the same race a car using the drive shaft from Dean’s car crashed. The driver also died. When the car’s shell was put on display, the showroom burned down. When it was exhibited again in Sacramento it fell off the stand on to a visitor, breaking his hip.
 
FROZEN IN TIME
NOVELIST Anne Parrish was excited to find a copy of Jack Frost And Other Stories on a secondhand bookstall in Paris. It was her favourite book at her Colorado Springs nursery, but she’d not seen a copy since she was a child. She showed it to her husband who opened it. He found the inscription: “Anne Parrish, 209 N Weber Street, Colorado Springs”.
 
LOVER’S LEAP
AFTER finding her husband had been unfaithful, Vera Czermak, of Prague, threw herself from her third floor balcony. By chance she landed on her husband who was walking directly below. It killed him while she escaped injury.
 
TWO LITTLE BIRDIES
A GOLFER watched his perfect drive collide mid-flight with a ball hit by another player from the opposite direction. Astounded by the coincidence, both players met and introduced themselves – they were both called Kevin O’Brien.
 
STRANGERS ON THE SHORE
AS John Peskett flicked through his wife’s childhood holiday snaps, a couple in the background caught his eye – his parents. John and his wife Shirley, then strangers and both 10, had been on the same beach on holiday at Minehead in Somerset in 1963 – 11 years before they first began dating.
 
DOUBLE HITCH
WHILE hitchhiking in New Zealand in 1994 Nick Witty exchanged addresses with a man who gave him a lift. Two years later a friend got a lift from the same man while in New Zealand. He said: “Last time I picked up an Englishman was two years ago.” He pulled Nick’s address from the glove compartment.
 
DEATH TAKES HOLIDAY
IN 1946 Mildred West, an obituary writer on New York’s Alton Evening Telegraph, took a week’s holiday. During her absence, and for the first time in the newspaper’s history, there were no deaths recorded in Alton (pop 32,000). Normally they average 10 a week.
 
BRIDGE TOO FAR
RICHARD Besinger was run over and killed while walking in the middle of a bridge in California in 1957. Two years later his son Hiram was killed on the same bridge when a timber truck overturned on him. Six years after that, his 14-year-old great-grandson David Whisler was mowed down there by a car.
 
KIMONO BURNED DOWN TOKYO
A KIMONO successively owned by three teenage girls, each of whom died before they had a chance to wear it, was so unlucky it was cremated by a priest in 1657. But as it burned, a wind fanned the flames and started a blaze. The fire destroyed three-quarters of Tokyo, levelling 300 temples, 500 palaces, 9,000 shops, 61 bridges, and killing 100,000 people.
 
WRONG TRACK
IN August 1995 Lisa Potter was walking with her mother when they came to the Moots Lane railway crossing in Essex. Lisa’s father had been killed there 11 years previously and her mother refused to walk any further. Lisa decided it was time her mother overcame her superstition and tried to encourage her across. But as she stood on the crossing a train suddenly appeared and hit Lisa, killing her instantly.
 
WHERE THERE’S MUCK
BARBARA Hutton, accidentally flushed her antique bracelet down the toilet. Months later Barbara, from Woodley, Berks, was in a jewellers  when a man brought in her bracelet to be valued. He had found it while working in a sewer.
 
MY NUMBER’S UP
A MAN called Todd was at the Australian Rules football Grand Final in 1990 where spectators were tearing up pages from telephone books and tossing them into the air whenever a point was scored. A shredded strip landed on Todd’s lap. Just as he was about to brush it away he noticed he was looking at his own name, address and phone number.

My neighbor banged on my door at 3:30AM last night. Can you believe that? Luckily, I was still up, playing guitar. They shouted, “How about a little respect?”. I said, “Honestly I’m not a big Aretha Franklin fan, but okay. This one’s for you!”

I heard you can get lawyers at Ikea now, and they’re very affordable, but you have to build your own case.

Which body part is the most reliable? Well, you can always count on your fingers.

Three years ago today my neighbor and his wife took up gardening. Today is their weeding anniversary.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? The correct answer is 3. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

My wife and I are a temperamental couple…I’ve got a temper and she’s mental.

Judge: “I order you to pay $10,000.” 
Mario: “Why?” 
Judge: “It’s a fine.” 
Mario: “No its a not!”

My dog’s name is Minton. Today he ate my shuttlecock. Bad Minton!

 I’ve just finished converting my van to electric. I swapped the diesel engine for the motor from a tumble dryer, it wouldn’t start at first, then I realized I hadn’t shut the door properly! I then took it for a spin!

Nurses will be spending 20 minutes looking for a blood vein yet a mosquito locates it in the dark while singing.

Just found out the guy who stole my Bible and my diary passed away. My thoughts and prayers are with his family.

Your secret is safe with me, I don’t even remember my own password.

My scarecrow won an award or being outstanding in his field

After gunning his BMW the wrong way down a one-way street, the rather intoxicated young man was asked where he thought he was going by a curious police officer. “I’m not really sure,” confessed the drunk, “but wherever it is, I must be late, because everybody seems to be coming back already.”

 I asked my date to meet me at the gym today, but she didn’t show up, and that’s when I knew we weren’t going to work out.

And that’s it my friends, we made it!  Time to put this one in the rack.  May God Bless you until we meet again…and then past that, too!

Sunday afternoon, relaxing, re-watching The Chosen season 5, and spending time with you, my family.

Izzy is upstairs taking a nap, Pepper is upstairs with her, also napping, Willow is in her bed doing … guess what? 

You got it! 

Napping! 

So it’s just you, me, and the Chosen.  All the females in this house are asleep.  Being the only male in the house, you would think, would have its privileges, but alas, I have none. But there are times, such as now, when all the house is quiet, and I am at peace, doing what I want, that it’s awfully nice around here.  So, whaddaya say we jump into the fun stuff?

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb:

If it has tires or testicles,

you’re going to have trouble with it.

Women’s restroom

Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas , TX

Yeah, I’m getting to the bottom of the pile, so some of them may be a little dated

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, 
you must understand him a lot 
and love him a little.

 

To be happy with a woman, 
you must love her a lot and 
not try to understand her at all.

If I could interrupt this broadcast for just a moment for a special thank you.

As you know, towards the end of August I begin my annual ask for donations to cover my yearly expenses.  The only time during the year that I ask.  My bit is that I’ll know that what I’m doing is still worthwhile if I get enough donations to cover my expenses for the year.  If I don’t, then I know it’s time to wrap it up and try something different.  Anyway, that’s the quick background.

Pop Smith recently asked me about that and I told him and he made a very generous donation early. 

You know my habit is to recognize the donor, but not the amount because I believe that every donation is from the heart and friends and family give what they can.  Doesn’t matter how much.  Go read about the Widow’s mite if you want to read a wonderful story about giving.

Thank you Pop.  Your generosity is deeply appreciated.

Now, back to our laffter. 

Okay, pay attention.  THE WORST TIME EVER ON EARTH.  EVER!  If you are not prepared to be gone in the Rapture, which could possibly happen at ANYTIME, you better GET THAT WAY! Soon.

Okay, back to our regularly scheduled programing.

On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. 

He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while longer. 

Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, “Gee, dad, he doesn’t recognize me.”

And drugs.  Don’t forget drugs.

So, we got our first submissions for this category and they both come from Stephen B.

A Truck Driver’s Duty

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. 

A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him.

At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn’t run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. 

Looking back as he drove on, he didn’t see anything.

He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. “I’m sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road.”

But the priest said, “Don’t worry, son. I got him with my door.”

Driving Test

My wife was upset when she told me she had failed her driving test.
I said, “Oh no, what did they pull you up on?”

My wife replied, “A rope. The car’s still in the canal.”

I’ve heard so many different variations of this joke it’s incredible.  

Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why, they say, “A little birdie told me.” Did you know they probably aren’t lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. – Thus, these creatures are called “Flies Unseen Everywhere” or FUE for short.

These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend.

This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition. And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don’t get it? Those who’s standard response to any given question is, “Huh?”

Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the reason is simply because they don’t have a clucking FUE. 

Painting a turtle’s shell isn’t harmless; it’s a silent form of cruelty. 

Its shell is alive, full of nerves and blood vessels. Through it, it breathes, regulates its temperature, and senses. Covering it with paint blocks its ability to absorb sunlight, essential for its metabolism and bone development. It also prevents it from naturally eliminating bacteria and fungi. Many die slowly from infections or poisoning. 

It’s not art. It’s suffering. And often, a torture that ends in silence.

I have to say, I had no idea!  Of course, when I showed it to Izzy, she knew exactly what it was.  What a smart kid I have.

Okay, admit it.  As soon as you saw this photo, you could smell it.  I know I could!

I laughed SO HARD at some of these next ones.  This is well worth the click.  

Thanks to Stephanie for sending this one in.

In every relationship there is a person who loads the dishwasher like a Scandinavian architect and the other who loads it like a one-armed raccoon on meth.

And with that bit of insane wisdom, we’ll close for today.  Since I’ve gotten some updates, let’s do this:

And my good friend Jonathon writes to me and says: