It is not Star Wars Day when you are reading this, but it IS Star Wars Day when I’m writing it, so I suppose that is something. I’m a fan, but not a huge fan. It was mentioned to me earlier today so I thought I’d bring it up.
So… May the 4th be with you.
There, I said it.
Now, can we carry on with the normal good fun we usually have?
Good, then let’s do this!
One of the greatest memes ever!
Pennsylvania Law
Ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk.
You know, this just makes good sense to me.
Boy, ain’t that the truth!!!
When Mary was pregnant, her 5 year old son, Billy, was utterly amazed, and a little bit disbelieving, that his sister was growing in his mom’s tummy.
So one day when the baby was especially active, she sked Billy to place his tiny hands on her tummy to feel the baby kick. But when he did, the baby was suddenly still.
“Oh, Billy, she must have decided to take a nap,” shrugged Mary.
“A nap?” Billy marveled. “You mean there’s a bed in there too?”
There’s an AWFUL lot of TRUTH in that poster!!!
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home.
One item on her list was “comfortable underwear.”
Worried I’d make the wrong choice, I asked, “How will I know which ones to pick?”
“Hold them up and imagine them on me,” she answered.
“If you smile, put them back.”
Now, to put this last one in perspective, this was sent to me by brother Joe with the subject line of “Been There”. That cracked me up as much as the joke did.
Hmmm, that could solve a lot of problems. It’s getting harder and harder to find places to dig holes. Calling 811 all the time is beginning to get … how should I put this … conspicuous. This would make it a bunch easier.
On a high school science quiz, there was the question, “When water becomes ice which of its physical properties increases?”
Everyone answered, “Its volume..”
Except one wise guy who wrote, “When water becomes ice, its price increases.”
My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter his mother asked, “Chris, what happened today to upset you so?”
He answered, “It’s not fair that I’m not allowed to go to the library.”
His mother became very concerned and asked, “Why aren’t you allowed to go to the library?”
With a tearful reply he said, “Because, in order to go to the library you have to have super-vision, and I wear glasses!”
So Sad…so true.
WHAT IS A GRANDMOTHER? (or a grandfather)?
A grandmother is a lady who has no little children of her own. She likes other peoples.
A grandfather is a man grandmother.
Grandmothers don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.
They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run.
It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also don’t step on “cracks.”
They don’t say, “Hurry up.”
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.
Acts 20:35: I have shewed you all things, how that so labouring ye ought to support the weak, and to remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he said, It is more blessed to give than to receive.
It all belongs to God anyway and since I’ve given freely of my tithe and generously to the charities and to others I’ve found in need, you know, I’ve not found myself in much need at all. Not that I’ve had a lot, but I’ve always had enough. And what more do any of us need, than “enough”? And “enough” is more than enough. Thank you, God.
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
“Davy, what noise does a cow make?” “It goes moo.”
“Alice, what noise does a cat make?” “It goes meow.”
“Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?” “It goes baaa.”
“Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?” ” Ummmm…it goes.. click!”
Of course it does.
Looks right to me.
That’s it my friends. I hope you enjoyed this issue. May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.
Well, it seems that none of the videos that I’ve posted lately have come through. Which is why Thursday’s comment didn’t make any sense about the guy taking a dump in the woods. So, no more videos unless they are YouTubes. Sorry guys. So, if you have a video you want me to share with other campers, you have to send me a YouTube link. That seems to be the only thing that’s working.
So, today is Monday, even though I am starting this on Friday. It’s late and I’m working tomorrow (Saturday) so I don’t think I’ll get this one done. But the Whelpling is supposed to be over tomorrow to work on the trike and I should be, hopefully, please Lord, praying mightily, back on the road by the time you read this. I’ll try and keep you informed.
In the meantime, let’s get some laughter under our belts before I have to hit the rack.
I LOVE this one!!!
That last one was from Just Pete and he included this note with it:
I was going to include something about weed but, I couldn’t make it flow as well as without it so, I left it off. I don’t smoke the stuff anyway. LOL Maybe I’ll ponder on making another one with it in it for you folks that do. I’ll tell ya, once you start thinking on it, there are so many things that could be added to that list. What do you guys think, what does it for you that you’d add?
Man, time as gotten so far away from me, I did not realize it has been so long since I sent out memes, been a month now. I will try to make a couple emails as soon as I can and get sent out.
Have fun!
For me, sitting out in the shade, on a warm day, light breeze, comfortable chair, good cigar, good book, cold drink. That does it for me.
A father thought he had done a good job in teaching his son manners, good behavior, etc. So when the 4-year-old said to him one day, “When I grow up, I want to be just like you!”
The father’s heart swelled with pride… until the 4-year-old finished his sentence… “so then I can reach the light switch!”
A Priest and a Rabbi, who have been the best of friends for years, were always arguing the finer points of their respective theologies, trying to prove the other one was wrong.
One day while they were riding in a car, they got cut off by a drunk driver.
The car flew off the road, rolled five times end-over-end, and came to rest on its roof. The Priest and Rabbi crawled from the wreckage and were amazed that they were alive.
As the Priest crossed himself, he noticed the Rabbi doing the same.
The Priest shouts, “Praise Be! You’ve seen the Light!”
“What?” said the Rabbi.
“You-you’ve crossed yourself. You have seen the True Way! This is wonderful.”
“Cross myself?!? No no no ! Not me, I was just checking if everything was still in place . . . .Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet and Watch.”
Screenshot
This is the Dragon Laffs weekly delivery.
This one is from Aussie Pete and is marked as “A Canada Joke”
A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. “This is an outrage,” he complained. “The faucet marked ‘C’ gave me boiling water.” “But, Monsieur, ‘C’ stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal.” “Wait a minute,” said the patron. “The other tap is also marked ‘C’!” “Of course,” said the manager. “It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city.”
Bride: “The two best things that I cook are meat loaf and apple dumplings.”
Groom: “Which is this?”
The Secretary of the Navy was inspecting a recently launched carrier.
The entire crew stood at attention. “I suppose,” said the Secretary jokingly to the carrier’s captain, “you know the name of every man on the ship.”
“I think I do,” was the captain’s unexpected reply.
“Aha,” smiled the Secretary. “What’s the name of the third man from the left there in the rear rank?”
“William Jones,” said the captain.
The Secretary addressed the seaman himself.
“What’s your name, lad?” he asked.
“William Jones, sir,” replied Seaman Abernathy.
Oh! I get it! Bobcat! (It’s always gotta be Bob, though, right?)
Better than anything I coulda come up with!!!
Zack volunteered for military service during WWII.
He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp.
The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base.
All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeros.
Then climbing up to 20,000 feet he found 10 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.
He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the Captain.
Saluting smartly, he said, “Well, Sir, how did I do on my very first day?”
The Captain replied, “You make one velly impoltant mistake.”
1 Peter 5:8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour.
First you get a little hoarse. Then you get a little buggy.
And that’s it my friends. I hope you enjoyed today’s efforts. Oh, by the way, the trike is NOT fixed. The clutch is fixed…whoever worked it last rebuilt it completely backwards!!!, but the brakes are not. No one had the parts we needed, so we are waiting for them to be shipped. Hopefully by next weekend. I’m so upset.
Well, today is Wednesday and I’m building this issue for … let me think here … Saturday. Yeah, Saturday.
Maybe.
I think.
Anyway, I have to mow the yard, go to the store, and try to relax. It’s only 10 am, so it’s a little early to mow, the grass is still very wet, but by the middle of the afternoon storms are supposed to roll in AND I’ve got jail tonight, so in about an hour or so, I’m going to drop this and go out and
In the meantime, I have to tell you that for some reason I am overly aggravated today. I really don’t know why. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear I was going through PMS. Now, everybody knows that dragons, especially male dragons, really especially blue male dragons, and most definitely especially ancient blue male dragons don’t go through PMS.
Why?
Well, duh! We get all of that we need!
Why do you have such confused looks on your faces…?
OH! You thought I meant…!
Oh, no, no, no!
PMS!
In dragon speech, that’s Paucity of Meat syndrome. And you can see as how that would make a dragon … irritable, and you can understand that also that I NEVER, EVER have that problem. All I have to do is go raze another democratic village somewhere and I’m all set.
Now, one of the problems that a lot of us dragons are facing lately is DVSS. Deprivation of Virginal Sacrifice Syndrome. Not only are there no virgins to be had, the ones who claim to be virgins aren’t and the ones who are, taste funny. Mostly because they are technical virgins only and not spiritual virgins. I’m telling ya, it’s a sad state of affairs.
But, back to the original issue, not sure why I’m angry and irritable today…guess I need to go burn something down to relieve some aggression or something. In the meantime…
A creature after my own heart!
Brave kids!
That is an awesome and hilarious effect!
Man, that’s so bad!
True, but so bad!
Before we get started with this one, I want to make sure the blame goes in the right direction. You would think that it would be Joe from NJ because it seems right up his alley, but no…this one comes to us from Aussie Pete. So anyone who is thinking of retribution, it’s kind of a long flight.
A guy in high school had a huge crush on this girl in his class. He asked her to prom and she accepted, so it was time to start planning their night. He thought of all the things he had to do and made a mental checklist. First, he had to get a corsage. He went to the store and stood in line for what felt like HOURS before he was finally able to check out. Now that he had his corsage, he needed a tuxedo. He went to the local men’s clothing store and stood in line for a LOOOOOOONG time before he was finally able to get fitted. He bought his suit and headed home, where he realized he needed to rent a limo for the night as well. He called the limo company and was put on hold for an hour, because there was apparently a HUGE line of people trying to get limos for prom night. But finally.. he has his limo and everything is prepared for their perfect night. He picks her up and takes her to the dance, and it’s an amazing night. As they’re dancing, she tells him she’s thirsty and would like a drink. He looks around and notices a long line at the lemonade, a long line at the soda fountain, and a long line where the tea was. BUT… there was no punch line.
See what I mean?
Lawn is mowed, trike is prepped for the weekend maintenance, went back to the grocery store for stuff that was forgotten, tonight’s lesson is done for jail, I have another little while to play with you guys so let’s play!
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-Dave Barry (1947-)
I can’t believe that Dave Berry is 78 years old!
And ANYONE who didn’t think I wouldn’t AMEN that doesn’t know me at ALL!
The day I got married was really embarrassing.
When the minister said, “If anyone present doesn’t agree with this marriage; speak now or forever hold your peace,” I turned around and noticed her family had formed a double line.
And no, that’s not from me. Mary’s family only formed a single line.
When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes him so sexy.
When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to see who’s the handsome dude behind him.
But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he’s unzipped.
Okay old people, who is he? I remember, do you? I’ll put the answer after the next meme.
Mr. Whipple. Remember now? Okay, so I skipped 2 memes.
Oklahoma Law
Whaling is illegal.
Somehow, for Oklahoma, that makes sense.
When I take a long time, I am slow. When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don’t do it, I am lazy. When my boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.
When I do it without being told, I’m trying to be smart. When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, that’s brown-nosing. When my boss pleases his boss, that’s co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers. When I do wrong, he never forgets.
And that wraps up this issue my friends. I hope you all enjoyed it.
Good morning my friends! My long days are over … for now. Now it’s time to get back on track. It just took me 2 1/2 hours to just get caught up on emails! Crazy, right?
12 to 14 hour shifts on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I can’t go deeply into what we did, since it was an exercise, but suffice to say that it was interesting stuff.
Then yesterday, Monday, my Grandson, went to court to have his name legally changed to his step-father’s (my son’s…the whelpling’s) last name. He waited until he was over the age of 18 because he’s blood father wouldn’t have agreed, by my son has been raising him as his own now for many, many years and he wanted to do this. He asked me to be in court with him, so I left work early to be there.
We all cried.
It was a great day.
My dear daughter-in-law does a lot with vinal art work and made me a special t-shirt.
Is that not awesome? I think I’m going to ask her for something similar for the back of the trike.
So, several of you have written to me in support of my depression and I deeply and humbly appreciate not only your support, but your love and caring. As I may have mentioned, it comes and goes. Right now, today, as I’m writing this, I’m not doing too bad. That might have to do with the fact that I’m taking today and tomorrow, Tuesday and Wednesday, off. I’ve already worked well past the hours I’m supposed to work and I have to work this coming Saturday as well. So, I’m going to be stacking up some Credit Time too.
But, like I said, I am doing better right now, so let’s run with that, shall we? Kenn, Leah, and all the others who wrote to me individually, thank you so very much! And now…
One of the greatest No Parking Signs I’ve EVER seen!
Please raise your hand if you don’t get this one so the rest of us old guys can make fun of you.
That is such a weird video. I think she was just going to the woods to scream and let off some steam or frustration (been there, done that) and she frightened some pervert or killer or rapist or something.
Okay, on second, frame by frame review, this poor guy is taking a dump in the woods and she scares the … well … let’s say, daylights out of him. You can just barely see that he has a roll of toilet paper in his hands. That makes it SO MUCH MORE funny.
What an awesome job of carving someone did with that! I’m so impressed!
Shameezel, Shamazel!
“Words To Live By”
Having a bad day? Well, better you than me.
If you cant beat ’em, well then you’re just not trying hard enough, slacker.
Ever notice how people who tell you to calm down are the ones that got you mad in the first place?
Happiness is where you find it. Perhaps you should look someplace else.
Start each day off on the right foot, unless you kick better with your left.
I make it a policy to never take work home with me…unless office supplies count.
If not for stress, I’d have no energy at all.
Women don’t need the remote control…we have the actual control.
Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and the old buzzard won’t be hanging around, underfoot, all weekend.
I’d eat more fruits and vegetables if they tasted more like microwaved burritos.
Get it?! GET IT!?
I don’t normally post the entire article, but this crappy website has it so broken up that I’m going to try to piece it together here…
NY mom files lawsuit against school after son allegedly punished for defending ‘two genders’
The lawsuit claims the school accused student of ‘violent conduct’ over gender remark
The mother of a middle school student in New York is taking legal action after her son was allegedly disciplined for saying that there are two genders.
According to a complaint filed in the U.S. District Court for the Western District of New York on Friday, “A.B.,” a middle school student at East Aurora Middle School, was suspended by the school for five days in March and was told that part of the reason for the suspension was because he expressed his belief there were only two genders.
The court filing, which does not identify the mother or student, states that A.B. made this comment in November, but no disciplinary action was taken against him at the time. However, the complaint says A.B. was given a disciplinary notice in March that “vaguely” accused him of “violent conduct” and his prior statement about gender was cited as “part of the rationale for his punishment.”
A.B. did not disrupt school activities or target any specific individual with his gender remark, the filing claims.
According to the complaint, A.B. was charged with violating the student code of conduct, which prohibits speech that “demeans” or “denigrates” others “if it presents a reasonable foreseeable risk of disruption.”
“The Defendants’ claim that A.B.’s words constituted ‘violence’ was a pretext to justify retaliation against him for expressing a viewpoint that school officials disfavored,” the complaint states.
The school and district are accused in the lawsuit of retaliating against the student’s First Amendment rights and violating his right to equal protection under the 14th Amendment.
The complaint claims that school officials were “motivated by a desire to retaliate” against the student’s comment, months after he expressed his views, because President Donald Trump signed an executive order in January recognizing “two sexes, male and female.”
“So here you’ve got an educational institution that still wants to charge a kid for saying what the President of the United States has now said is the official government policy of the United States,” the mother’s lawyer, R. Anthony Rupp III, told Buffalo News.
Rupp said in the same report that the district is seeking a longer suspension for the student’s gender comment and two other comments the student made, which are not mentioned in the lawsuit.
The mother’s legal team is seeking compensatory damages, punitive damages, attorneys’ fees and for the school officials to expunge any disciplinary record related to A.B.’s protected speech.
Okay, that’s most of it, I think. You get the gest of it, at any rate. And that’s crazy. Pure, unadulterated nutso! I hope those parents sue their butts off, if for no other reason then to spread the word far and wide.
I want it noticed, that the dragon is making no comments about the last meme.
Very impressive!
True Story!
Again, this is truth. I can show it to you in the law books.
Amen! Why is it that in an awful situation, prayer is always the last place we go? How many times have we heard, “Well, all we can do now is pray.” Have we ever thought that had we been going to the Lord in prayer first and every day, we wouldn’t have gotten to the point where we would be that “all we can do now is pray”?
What Doctors Say & What They Really Mean
“Let’s see how it develops.” – Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
“Let me schedule you for some tests.” – I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
“I’d like to have my associate look at you.” – He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.” – I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.” – I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.” – I think I’m going to throw up.
“This may smart a little.” – Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?” – I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
“This should fix you up.” – The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
“Everything seems to be normal.” – Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.
“I’d like to run some more tests.” – I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
“Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?” – You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split the fees with me…
“There is a lot of that going around.” – My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.
“If the symptoms persist, call for an appointment.” – I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank goodness I’m off next week.
One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers “What does it mean to be British?”
Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland is probably the best so far.
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all?
Suspicion of anything foreign
Now THAT one is really subtle…
This one has been run so many different times in so many different places that I’m just going to show you the answer right here.
Everybody guessed that one, right?
And next is one of my favorite pictures of all time!!
This next one is SO good!
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8-year-olds, “What does love mean?”
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” Rebecca – age 8
“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy – age 4
“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl – age 5
“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” Chrissy – age 6
“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” Terri – age 4
“Love is when my Mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” Danny – age 7
“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.” Bobby – age 5
“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend whom you hate.” Nikka – age 6
“There are two kinds of love. Our love. God’s love. But God makes both kinds of them.” Jenny – age 4
“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” Noelle – age 7
“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy – age 6
“My Mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.” Clare – Age 5
“Love is when Mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.” Elaine – age 5
“Love is when Mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.” Chris – age 8
“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.” Mary Ann – age 4
“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” Lauren – age 4
“I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her.” Bethany – age 4
“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” Karen – age 7
“Love is when Mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.” Mark – age 6
“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” Jessica – age 8
This one cracked me up! What a PERFECT way to win an argument!
I gotta tell ya … if for no other reason then to find out where this story goes, I GOTTA … I HAVE GOT TO get in!!!
Now, at the risk of ticking a lot of people off, I, personally, have SERIOUS doubts as to whether that particular individual is even there. I believe there is a very strong possibility he may be in a much warmer spot. Now, none of us know another person’s heart, but some of the things he has said have been very unchristian and very unbiblical.
Cassie was a really good mom. When her children were growing up, her one son gave her more “stop and count to 10” periods.
Once, after her small son fell into the pond and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Cassie sent him to his room while she washed and dried his clothes.
A little later, Cassie heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out “Are you out there wetting your pants again!?”
There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, “No, ma’am, I’m just reading the meter.”
There’s a skydiving center, Lodi Parachute Center, located in California, where 28 people have died since 1985. And the owner says he doesn’t keep track of the number of deaths.
And that’s it for now. I hope you had as much fun reading this one as I did putting it together. May you be blessed with love and happiness in all that you do.
And here I am, still on Saturday and hoping to get one more issue in the bank for Monday so as to get all the way through the exercise so you guys will be entertained. This one will probably just be cartoons and memes so as to get it done before bedtime … before Easter starts… so let’s get started.
Which is often!
WHAT ARE YOU?
ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures. ACTORS do it on cue. ADVERTISERS use the “new, improved” method. AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker. ANSI does it in the standard way ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old. ARCHITECTS have great plans. ARTISTS are exhibitionists. ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over. ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus. ATTORNEYS make better motions. AUDITORS like to examine figures. BABYSITTERS charge by the hour. BAILIFFS always come to order. BAKERS knead it daily. BAND MEMBERS play all night. BANKERS do it with interest – penalty for early withdrawal. BARBERS do it with shear pleasure. BARTENDERS do it on the rocks. BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base. BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often. BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey. BEER BREWERS do it with more hops. BEER DRINKERS get more head. BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds. BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry. BOSSES delegate the task to others. BOWLERS have bigger balls. BRICKLAYERS lay all day. BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber. BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time. BUTCHERS have better meat. C’Bers do it on the air. CAMPERS do it in a tent. CARPENTERS hammer it harder. CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor. CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm. CHEMISTS like to experiment. CHESS PLAYERS check their mates. CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation. CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically. CLOWNS do it for laughs. COACHES whistle while they work. COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs. COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs. COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can’t stop. COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software. CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation. CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it. COPS have bigger guns. COWBOYS handle anything horny. COWGIRLS like to ride bareback. CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls. CREDIT MANAGERS always collect. DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds. DEADHEADS do it with Jerry. DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck. DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts. DENTISTS do it in your mouth. DETECTIVES do it under cover. DIETICIANS eat better. DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack. DIVERS do it deeper. DOCTORS do it with patience. DRUGGISTS fill your prescription. DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time. DRY WALLER’S are better bangers. ELECTRICIANS check your shorts. ENGINEERS charge by the hour. EXECUTIVES have large staffs. FARMERS spread it around. FIREMEN are always in heat. FISHERMEN are proud of their rods. FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard. FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush. FURRIERS appreciate good beaver. GARBAGE MEN come once a week. GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses. GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day. GEOLOGISTS are great explorers. GOLFERS do it in 18 holes. GYMNASTS mount and dismount well. HACKERS do it with fewer instructions. HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs. HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency. HANDYMEN like good screws. HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision. HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer. HUNTERS do it with a bang. INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers. INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house. INVENTORS find a way. JANITORS clean up afterwards. JEWELERS mount real gems. JOGGERS do it on the run. LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper. LAWYERS do it in their briefs. LIBRARIANS do it quietly. LOCKSMITHS can get into anything. LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer. MACHINISTS make the best screws. MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye. MAINTENANCE MEN sweep ’em off their feet. MANAGERS supervise others. MARKETING REPs do it on commission. MILKMEN deliver twice a week. MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done. MINERS sink deeper shafts. MINISTERS do it on Sundays. MISSILE MEN have better thrust. MODELS do it in any position. MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters. MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs. MOVIE STARS do it on film. MUSICIANS do it with rhythm. NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing. NURSES call the shots. OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under. OPERATORS do it person-to-person. OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face. PAINTERS do it with longer strokes. PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash. PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion. PILOTS keep it up longer. PLUMBERS do it under the sink. POLICEMEN like big busts. POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected. POSTMEN come slower. PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets. PRINTERS reproduce the fastest. PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end. PROFESSORS do it by the book. RACERS like to come in first. RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall.. RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it. REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots. RECYCLERS use it again. REPAIRMEN can fix anything. REPORTERS do it daily. RESEARCHERS are still looking for it. RETAILERS move their merchandise. ROOFERS do it on top. RUNNERS get into more pants. SAILORS like to be blown. SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues. SCIENTISTS discovered it. SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5. SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop. SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls. SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists. SPELUNKERS do it underground. SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay. STEWARDESSES do it in the air. STUDENTS use their heads. SURGEONS are smooth operators. TAILORS make it fit. TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town. TAXIDERMISTS mount anything. TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking. TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals. TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls. TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks. TRUCKERS carry bigger loads. TYPISTS do it in triplicate. VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers. VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up. WAITRESSES serve it piping hot. WATER SKIERS come down harder. WELDERS have hotter rods. WRESTLERS know the best holds. WRITERS have novel ways. ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.
A drunk man who smelled like gin sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,” Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”
“My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath.”
“Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
Little Sammy was studying Torah for his Bar Mitzvah and was asked what he had learned in Hebrew school.
“Well, momma, the rabbi told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
When they got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the Jews walked across safely.
Then the Egyptians followed Moses, who used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for air cover.
They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and drown the Egyptians, and the Israelites were saved.”
“Now, Sammy, is that really what the rabbi taught you?” his mother asked.
“Well, no, momma, but if I told it the way the rabbi did, you’d never believe it!”
“The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer professionals. We cause accidents. ”
Nathaniel Borenstein (1957 – )
Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy……
So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who’s brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
And… Men?
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.
When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”
The woodcutter told Him that he had dropped his axe into water.
God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
“Is this your axe?”, God asked. The woodcutter said “No”.
God again went down and came up with a silver axe. “Is this your axe?”, God asked.
The wood cutter said “No”. God went down again and came up with an iron axe.
“Is this your axe?”, God asked. The wood cutter said “Yes”.
God was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all the three axes.
The woodcutter went home happily. One day while he was walking with his wife along the river, his wife fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”
“My wife has fallen into water” said the woodcutter.
God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. “Is this your wife?”, God asked.
“Yes”, he said.
God was furious, “YOOOOOU CHEEEEAT!! Now I am going to curse you……”
The woodcutter quickly said, “Forgive me My Lord. It is all a misunderstanding. If I say ‘No’ to Jennifer Lopez, you will come up with Catherine Zeta Jones. If I also say ‘No’ to her, you will finally come up with my wife and I will say “Yes”. Then you will give all the three to me.
I am a poor man. I will not be able to look after all the three. So that’s why I had. to say ‘Yes’…”
And that’s it my friends. May you have a great and blessed day.
Dragon Laffs 