Well, I made it through the exercise.  About 10 hours on Thursday, 14 on Friday and Saturday, 10 again on Sunday and Monday and I’m out of hours for the rest of the week, so I’m taking Tuesday through Sunday off.

I told myself last night (Monday night) that I could stay up late, relax, because I could sleep in this morning.  Well, I fell asleep on the couch about 8 pm, was in bed by 9 and really slept late in the morning.  I really caught up on all my lost sleep.  Yup.  I was wide awake at 0530 this morning, which is my normal time to wake up and about an hour later than I have been since Thursday, so I’m not sure if that’s an hour lie in or not.  

I got up because my bladder made me and laid back down, figured I’d get another hour or so of sleep.  When I realized I was wide-rooster-crow-screaming-awake, I got up, made coffee, took the doggies out and then treated myself to something I don’t EVER do!

I went out to breakfast at what I think is one of the greatest little places ever.  And it sits in little old Peru, Indiana.  Gabriel’s Pancake house.

It is a great place to eat.  They are only open from 0600 to 1500 (6 am to 3 pm) every day.  But they have a full breakfast and lunch/dinner menu.  And it is a real friendly, hometown place.  I always over tip when I go in there.  This morning I had my usual.  Two eggs over easy, sausage, and hashbrowns, with white toast coffee and orange juice.  Now, they don’t skimp on anything.  My tab came to $10.69.  My waitress, a sweet lady, even asked me what flavored jelly I wanted for my toast.  I didn’t tip her 15%.  That would have been $1.60.  She took care of me for about an hour, not that I required a lot of care, I think after she took my order and brought my food, she refilled my coffee once…maybe, but still, it was worth more than a buck and a half.  But, like I said, I tend to over tip when I go in there.  Mostly because I used to run restaurants, I know what a good waitress is worth and I know that they only get paid $3.17 an hour in most places.  So, I gave her a 94% tip, in cash so she didn’t have to claim it all if she didn’t want to.  When you put a tip on a credit card slip, management is obligated to claim that as tips for him or her for taxes.  That’s what the $3.17 an hour is for.  Not for their pay, but so that the company will have money to take out of their check to cover the taxes on the tips that they make.  I’m not sure what the exact figure is any more, but it used to be that the government is going to charge them 10% of the amount of the meals that they served in tip taxes whether they made that much in tips or not.  But if they made more than that on credit card tips, they have to claim that because there is proof that they made that, that’s why I always tip in cash, even if I pay with a credit card.

Anyway, that’s a much longer explanation then I expected to make this morning, which just goes to show that my mind wanders with my fingers doing the typing and going where they wish no matter what I want to do.  I was going to talk about the stupidity going on in Los Angeles right now, but I suppose there is time for that later on in the issue.  So for now …

I’ve never understood that myself.  

Oh come on!  Everyone gets this one!  It’s actually quite good.

The bartender told me they are about to start Happy Hour, so he asked me to leave.

Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck.

I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theatres. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.

A politician, an artist, and a statistician are out hunting. The politician shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The artist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, “We got ‘em!”

Why are fish so easy to weigh. Because they come with there own scales.

 I just realized that my calculator is missing the minus button. But on the plus side, it still works.

 My father was a conjoined twin. His brother was my uncle on my fathers side once removed.

At least twice a week, someone will confuse me with Stephen King’s son, Joe. I’m not Joking.

 My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list, and now I can’t read anything.

I couldn’t sleep last night so I read a dictionary, and 3am I was past caring.

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the Army is??? Every time I ask someone, they tell me “it’s private”.

What is it about all the Psychics that I ever visit. They’re either totally depressed, or too excitable. It’s really hard to find a happy Medium.

 Shop assistant fought off armed robber with his labeling gun. Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.

Midgets and dwarfs have very little in common.

Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.

Oh, the list is long and so full of stupidity.

I think there is a great lesson to be learned here.  Go ahead and call this scumbag a saint again and see what happens next.

Mom is mortified after her kindergartner tells the teacher what she does for a living

A Dog’s Diary
 
 
5:30am: Started the day as a hero!  When the sound of the newspaper hitting the driveway roused me from my deep slumber — the impact indicating the paper was much heavier than normal — I realized that no one in the house was yet awake!  I roused my master by licking him in the face.  He appeared very angry with himself for having overslept, shouting and waving his arms.  His ill temper even seemed directed at me a bit, which is silly since it is I who saved him from being fired.  Funny thing though: He didn’t go into work, but spent the morning leafing through the large newspaper and drinking coffee.  He seems to do this once a week, and I don’t know why.
 
 
7:30am: Invaders!  The people who live next door came out into their yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house. Snarling and barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them from limb to limb if they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion.  This is an almost daily occurrence; you’d think they’d learn.  My master added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily.  I am sure the people couldn’t hear him, but it was nice of him to lend his support.
 
 
10:00am: I was forced to move, as the patch of sun in which I was lying had, for some reason, slid over a few feet.  It’s not easy being a dog.
 
 
1:00pm: I have the most thoughtful master in the world!  While it’s true he left me alone in the house for several hours, he did set out a treat for me on the kitchen counter.  It was even gift-wrapped, a courtesy I wish he’d skipped, since it led to me having a lot of plastic in my teeth. The roast was delicious, though frozen in the center.  I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but crunching through two inches of rock-hard beef is hardly my idea of a delicacy.
 
 
2:00pm: Most unpleasant experience when my master returned home and was furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap which had been covering my present.  He kept pointing at the small pieces of Styrofoam and other debris and raving in a most irrational fashion. I’m sorry, but he should know that I can’t eat that stuff; it makes my stomach upset.  When he began rolling up a newspaper I realized he’d lost all reason and bolted for the front door, which was fortunately open just a crack.
 
 
4:00pm: Spent the afternoon with the girls.  A most productive day; I was able to mark territory for two blocks.  “Drip ’til you drop” is our motto.  We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we like, with meat scraps and bread served out of circular containers with easily displaced lids.  Ran into that rogue Sebastian, who lifted his leg with irritating nonchalance — does he think I don’t know about his obsession with Muffy, that snotty schnauzer from down the road?  Last month there wasn’t a male in the neighborhood who couldn’t be found outside her fence, and Sebastian was at the head of the pack.  I let him know I want nothing more to do with him.
 
 
5:00pm: What a treat!  On the way home a flock of ravens drew my attention to a squirrel that had been flattened by an automobile. After several days in the sun, the aroma was so delicious it made my nose quiver.  I rolled in the wondrous fragrance for several minutes, and when I stood up I positively radiated eau de roadkill. Let Sebastian drool over Muffy — he doesn’t know what he’s missing.
 
 
6:00pm: Of all the times to get a bath!  My master, still in a foul mood, made me stand outside in the chill air while he shampooed and rinsed me several times.  Every time I shook the water from my fur he, too, became drenched, and in the end he was shivering. Why in the world does he do stuff like this?
 
 
9:00pm: Time to sleep, though I am not allowed on the bed whenever anyone’s home.  Ah, the life of a dog.

Really quite well written.  I enjoyed that to no end.  Thanks, Joe.

That is so important.  You know, that sounds like something for a husband and wife, right?  But, how about for a parents and their kids?  Now, I’m not talking about little kids, you correct them on the spot, when they become teenagers…young adults, there are times when you correct them out of the public eye and have their six in public, right?

I don’t know…quite frankly, I don’t think that 4 helium balloons would be enough to lift a dog off the ground.

At least spell marijuana correctly…

The overwhelming, asinine, stupidity of that one just amazes me.

An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: “Anyone knows the formula for water?”

“Sure. That’s easy,” said one man.

“What is it?”

“H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.”

“What, what?” reasked the instructor.

“H to O,” explained the chemistry expert.

Yeah…I’ve noticed that … a LOT.

Wow!  Talk about the world going round and being a small place!

Good read!  Highly recommended!

I agree.  There’s gotta be an awful lot of confidence in buying a camouflaged golf ball.

Give Him thanks for so much more.  There is so much more to be thankful for than just your life.

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no discipline problems with any of his students that term.

I agree 100%!!!!!!!

A man comes home to his wife, and he is chuckling. His wife asks him what is so funny. “A limerick I heard today at work. But I can’t tell you,'” he says. “It’s too dirty.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve heard them all,” she replies.

“I really can’t, it’s the dirtiest limerick that I have ever heard!”

“OK”, his wife says. ‘”How about you tell it, but substitute the word ”beep” in the place of the really dirty words”.

‘”Fine,'” he says. ‘”Here goes:

Beep beep-beep beep beep-beep beep,

beep beep-beep beep beep-beep beep .

Beep-beep beep beep beep,

beep-beep beep beep beep,

beep beep-beep beep beep-beep beep.”

Okay, I want to throw a special in here of Calvin and Hobbs and the Yukon sent in to us by Chris.  I love following the series of Calvin when he does silly stuff like this.  So, here we go!

I think about that and I think about Calvin as a grown up reflecting back on his life with Hobbs and it brings a tear to my eye.  What a wonderful storyteller.

There is so much stupidity going on right now.  

I was upset with myself for missing the anniversary of D-Day on June 6th.  But I was making episodes so far ahead and was overwhelmed with stuff going on, that I just missed it.  But, it did make me reflect on the nonsense that’s going on in LA right now with the people trying to interfere with the ICE agents doing their jobs of deporting illegals from this country.

I’ve heard people complain about so many different aspects of this.  Everything from the ICE agents wearing masks to Trump calling in the National Guard.

Before I go any further, let me make this perfectly clear, this is Impish Dragon’s opinion.  You are free to agree, disagree, disregard, ignore, or adopt it as your own.  I COULDN’T POSSIBLY CARE LESS.  What I DO care about is people getting it wrong and being stupid.

Okay, let’s talk about the masks really fast.  This won’t take but a moment.  Do you know why the ICE agents are wearing masks?  Because lovely members of the press were putting their faces up on the screen and the anti-ICE people were finding out who they were, who their families were, and encouraging their deranged followers to go to this address to get to their kids at school or this address to get to their wives at work and things like that!  For doing their jobs.  Now look…if I found out that someone was threatening my family for me doing my job, or for me being a Christian, military loving, 2nd amendment believing, America first Constitutionalist (wow!  I may have just done so!) I’d wear a mask at work also if I had the chance of being filmed on TV.  It makes perfect sense to me.

These people have the nerve to come into our country as invaders, claiming that their country is so bad, then they are going to wave the flag of that horrible country and throw rocks, bottles (some of which are filled with gasoline and lit on fire) and bricks at our police officers who are there to defend everyone and keep the peace.  If you think that country is so great that you are going to wave that flag, get your butt back there!

And as far as calling out the National Guard, the President has every right to do that during times of insurrection.  And if you don’t think that there is an insurrection going on then I advise you to get a dictionary.  

This morning I saw that little twerp Greta on TV.  I guess she got kicked out of Israel after trying to break a blockade or something.  She was spouting off about how she was kidnapped and how Israel was slaughtering the Palestinians and going on and on about stuff she knew absolutely nothing about, had no authority to speak on, and the media people were like hungry little mice chasing after a single crumb of cheese.  The moronic little sycophants.  “Oh Greta!  What else happened, Greta!  What do you think, Greta?” 

 She’s a smarmy child!  She needs to mind her place while the adults are talking.  

Deep breath….

Okay…until we meet again my friends.  May God bless you with love and happiness.

Okay, I’m gonna try really hard to put together this issue in about an hour or so.  Just so you guys will have something for next Monday because starting tomorrow, Wednesday, my week is going to explode.

So, let’s get to it!

A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn’t care about looks, income or background. 

All she wanted was a man of upright character. 

Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence. 

The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common – they were both compulsive liars. 

39 Teachers Shared The Basic Life Skills Their Students Have Absolutely No Idea How To Do

“High school. I never thought I would have to teach students to memorize their street address.”

WOW!  Just…WOW!

‘Outright murder’: UnitedHealth pressured nurses to DNR patients who didn’t want to die

I have a friend who got a job doing translation work for the deaf, but was disappointed they wouldn’t give him a signing bonus!

Got stuck in traffic for so long the other day that even google maps said “Are we nearly there yet?”

Suspect there will never be an edible version of Scrabble, but if there is, I’ll eat my words.

A friend has bought an old aircraft, took the wings off, and turned it into a restaurant. I don’t think it will take off.

My mobile phone accidentally took a 10 minute video of my shoes yesterday. It was some pretty good footage.

The other day I was listening to a song about superglue, it’s been stuck in my head ever since.

 I had my patience tested…I’m negative.

 “My twin sister called me from prison. She said: “You know how we finish each other’s sentences?” …

 If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They’re normally around 90 degrees.

Proofreading is a lost rat.

 Did you see how excited everyone was for the newest Lego set? People lined up for blocks.

I hate when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy…it’s not like I did anything.

 Employer: If anyone asks for me, I’ll be back in half an hour. 
New office junior: Yes, sir, and how soon will you be back if no one asks for you?

What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer? The serial killer might listen if you plead with them

My wife dated a clown before she started going out with me. I had some pretty big shoes to fill.

 What does James Bond do before he goes to sleep? He goes undercover.

Hundreds of Amish Men Pick Up & “Walk” A Barn

This move happened in Geauga County, Ohio (specifically Troy Township near Burton, OH), and it was the barn of an Amishman named Nelson Yoder, who decided to move an old machinery barn to a more convenient location to be used in his poly furniture business.

Now we’re going to pursue a theme provided by Aussie Pete.

The 27 Most Unintentionally Profound Things People Have Heard

A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom than usual, saying, “You’re an idiot. 

You have always been an idiot.  You’ll always be an idiot. 

If they had an idiot contest, you’d come in second.” 

“Why would I come in second?” her husband asked. 

She replied, “Because you’re an idiot!” 

Oldie Memories:

Defrosting the freezer…
Replacing burned out tubes in the television
No A/C
Watching stars at night and the only thing that moved were comets
Running outside to see an airplane fly over
Hearing a sonic-boom
Double clutching a three-on-a-tree
The smell of bakelite
Having a neighborhood dog chase your car- or bike
Car Hops
Fuzzy toilets lid cover and matching horseshoe mat
“Return Postage Guaranteed” motel keys
Imprinted credit card receipts
“Counter checks”
Credit at the gas station
“Collect calls”
Late night listening to an AM radio station from a city a thousand miles away… (WOR, WLS, WWL, something out of Wheeling, WV…)

45 Bits of Trivia About Animals That’ll Make You Want to Fashion A Loincloth and Join Tarzan in the Jungle

That’s it my friends.  Until next time.  May God bless you with love and happiness.

Picking right up again…going to try to do threeeeeeeeeeee.

Another great header from Pete!  LOVE IT!!!!

Okay, the world is falling apart at the seams.  Did you hear about the guy with the homemade flamethrower attacking the peaceful weekly demonstration for the hostage awareness?  My head is starting to hurt!  

Every single day I get a plethora of alerts through my work email about crap happening around the world that I wish I could share with you … no … I take that back.  I really don’t want to share with you.  Why should all of you be as upset as I am.  It’s my job and I’m a bit immune to it all.  But, if you only knew.

Anyway, we really need a boost of laughter AND I need to knock another one of these out, or at least get a really good start on this one before I have to call it a night… so ….

Oh!  I heard an explanation the other day for why global warming is responsible for why it’s been so cold lately!  I have never heard a bigger load of horse manure in my entire life!!!

“What’s the date today?” asks a blonde. 

“I don’t know. You’ve got a newspaper in your hands… why don’t you look at it?” 

“That wouldn’t do any good, it’s yesterday’s paper 

THE WISDOM OF WILL ROGERS 


1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco. 

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. 

3.There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman… neither works. 

4.Never miss a good chance to shut up. 

5.Always drink upstream from the herd. 

6.If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. 

7.The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket. 

8.There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to touch the electric fence for themselves. 

9.Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 

10.If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there. 

11.Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back. 

12.AND FINALLY–After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him… The moral:  When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut. 

A beautiful young woman is getting dressed for work one morning in her high-rise apartment building. 

She glances out her fiftieth-story bedroom window and sees a window washer outside. 

Thinking she will rattle him, she slowly takes off her dress. 

The window washer just goes about the business of cleaning the windows. 

Next, she removes her slip in a very provocative manner. 

Still, the man just keeps working away. 

Taking her striptease to the full extent, she takes off her bra and panties and begins parading around her room. The window washer still takes no notice of her. 

Finally, the woman walks over to the window and just stands there, totally naked, staring at the man outside her window.  

At last the window washer puts down his pail and says, “What’s the matter, lady, haven’t you ever seen a window washer before?”

Jeff had told all of his friends about the great steak he had eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be. 

The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited hungrily for their large, delicious pieces of dead cow. 

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they had ever seen. 

“Now see here,” a very embarrassed Jeff said to the waiter. “Yesterday when I came down here, you served me a BIG juicy steak. Today, when I have my friends about, you serve small steaks! What is the meaning of this?” 

“Yes, sir,” replied the waiter, “yesterday you were sitting by the window.”

When it comes to wine I’m very particular about what I buy. There are two things I look for before making my selection. 

First, the word “Wine” must appear somewhere on the label. This is something I insist on. 

Second, I look for a sign nearby that says “On Sale.” 

Follow these two rules and you won’t go far wrong.

Hmmm, I think my ex-wife may have been part eagle.

Among the many thousands of things I have never been able to understand, one in particular stands out. 

That is the question of who was the first person to stand on a pile of sand and say, “You know, I bet if we took some of this and mixed it with a little potash and heated it, we could make a material that would be solid and yet transparent. We could call it glass.” 

Call me obtuse, but you could stand me on a beach till the end of time and never would it occur to me to try to make it into windows… 

 Job candidate: Hello, I’m here for the interview. 
Interviewer: Great! Do you have any experience? 
Job candidate: Yes, this is my 20th interview.

 Most gun duels in the old West could have been prevented if only the city planners had made towns big enough for everyone.

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up. I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

 I used to make loads of money cleaning leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in the bushes, I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

I think my blind girlfriend just broke up with me. She said she wanted to see other people.

Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug? She’s having her babies in the Spring.

You can get out of jury duty on the first day by blatantly winking at the defendant as you give them a double thumbs up.

Cop: Can you describe the person who robbed you? 
Me: He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee.

Our computers went down at work today so we had to do everything manually. It took me 20 minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.

Kind of crazy that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the army is? Every time I ask someone they tell me it’s private.

 My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and right.

Doctor diagnosed me with a rare form of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of 80’s bands. There is no cure.

Every morning I take my pet cow for a long walk in the local vineyard. Yes…I herd it through the grapevine.

Yeah, I think every one of those we’ve heard before.

That’s it my friends.  I know this one was short, sweet and to the point.  But I gotta hit the rack.  Until next time.

Here’s the deal…

I have two choices, because we have a big exercise again this week and I will be working long, 12 to 14 hour shifts possibly starting as early as Wednesday and going through Sunday.  So the issue that I’m working on right now is Thursday’s.  So here are the two choices:

#1.  Make this an extra special issue to try to get you guys all the way through to next Thursday.

#2. Make this an okay, so-so issue and finish it up quickly so I have time to knock another one out and have it scheduled for Saturday, so you only end up missing out on Monday.

Yeah, I agree.  Option #2.  Ration the good stuff out so we all get a laugh through out.  Heck, maybe if I ration well enough, I can squeeze out a third one….doubtful, but let’s see.

I’m telling ya’ Pete!  You’re throwing the Bob stuff in there on purpose!

See!  See what I mean!

Be honest, you thought about it.  I know you did!

Boy, ain’t that the truth.  And the younger ones, the can have an entire conversation without using any letters at all.

What’s the name of the bar where mechanics hang out?

.

.

.
The Universal Joint.

“Four years ago, my cousin ran for a Member of Congress.” 

“What’s he doing now?” 

“Nothing. He got elected.” 

I thought my Izzy Dragon would LOVE this idea…she said not to EVER put bacon (which she also LOVES) on her Mac & Cheese!  I guess she’s a purest at heart.

What kind of lights were on Noah’s Ark? 

FLOODLIGHTS!! 

So good!

This is THE most adorable thing I think I’ve read in a long, long time.  I’ll be honest, this big old dragon teared up by the time he got to the end.

Why God made moms 

(Answers given by 2nd grade school children) 

Why did God make mothers? 
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 
2. Mostly to clean the house. 
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. 

How did God make mothers? 
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts. 

What ingredients are mothers made of? 
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think. 

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom? 
1. We’re related. 
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me. 

What kind of little girl was your mom? 
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. 
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 
3. They say she used to be nice. 

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him? 
1. His last name. 
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? 

Why did your Mom marry your dad? 
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats alot. 
2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on. 

Who’s the boss at your house? 
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goof ball. 
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad. 

What’s the difference between moms and dads? 
1. Moms work at work and work at home, & dads just go to work at work. 
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power ’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine. 

What does your Mom do in her spare time? 
1. Mothers don’t do spare time. 
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. 

What would it take to make your Mom perfect? 
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue. 

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be? 
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that. 
2. I’d make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me. 
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back of her head. 

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?” 

“Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. 

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So, why’s the groom wearing black?” 

So very, very true!

A wife asks her husband, an engineer, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.” 

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. 

The wife asks him, “Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?” 

He replied, “They had eggs.”

And this makes absolutely perfect sense to me. But I also know exactly what the wife meant.  Because I have had a wife and I work with engineers.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. – 

 

anon…

Okay, that one went pretty quick, so that leaves me a little time for this…

I am absolutely disgusted by Seattle’s demonic mayor who blamed the Christians for the violent rioters who attacked them. Calling them far right extremists and lying and saying that they chose that location on purpose just to cause trouble.

Well, Mr. so-called mayor, they wanted to go somewhere else and your people told them no and sent them to that location, the most hostile, alphabet filled location in your cesspool of a city.  They had water balloons full of urine thrown at them.  And of the 22 or 23 people arrested, not a single one of them was one of the Christians.  They were all your precious alphabet or antifa people.

You should be ashamed of yourself!  

Now the FBI is investigating, as well it should.  I hope you get thrown in jail.

Okay, rant over.  Until next time.

One of my favorite of all time headers…dragons and books.  Thank you my brother.

A thing on TV is catching my attention right now.  We all know that lying is a sin.  9th commandment, right?  Would you lie to save your own life?  Would you lie to save the life of a loved one?  Would you lie to save the life of a stranger or even a friend?  Think about the Germans who hid the Jews in Nazi Germany.  If they were questioned and they lied, were they sinning?

It is kind of circumstantial, isn’t it?  Let’s talk about …

Would I lie to save my own life?

• A guy is holding a gun on me and is mad because I did something that upset him.  I may try to lie my way out of it to not get shot with the understanding that he is WAY over reacting to me taking the last piece of pie that he wanted, or I cut him off in traffic, or I kissed his girl … i.e. “I took this pie so I could bring it over to you.” or “I’m on my way to the hospital because it’s an emergency, I would have NEVER cut you off otherwise.” or “I had no idea at ALL she was your girl, but I should have known better, of course she would go for someone so much more handsome than I am, and if you would just gimme three step, you won’t ever see me no more.”
• I’m in front of a judge in a court of law.  Nope, probably not ever.
• You will take the mark of the beast or you will die… then kill me now.

Would I lie to save the life of someone else?

• The whole Nazi thing?  Or anything similar?  I’d definitely lie.  No question
• Anything that has to do with some moron holding a gun as in above, yeah, I’d probably lie there, too.
• The trouble comes when it comes to me lying in court to save like my daughter’s life over something she did.  Like if I could supply her an alibi or something…that would be SO HARD.  But, I don’t think I could.  I would trade my life for hers, I’d go to the gallows FOR her, but I couldn’t lie to get her out of it.  I couldn’t.
• And I would do everything I could to keep her from taking that mark.

Okay, so I lasted longer on the topic than they did on TV and I don’t know why I went where I did, but let’s move on to something else.  In fact, let’s move on to the laughter and then move on to a nice comment from Leah D. 

I love this meme.

And did you know that the only one who is supposed to get your SSN is the IRS.  No one else.  NO ONE!

This next one is from Stephanie.  Click HERE.

Bob!  It doesn’t always have to be Bob!

Kyle and Justin were about to eat with the baby-sitter when 6 year old, Kyle said, “You can’t sit in Daddy’s seat” 

“Daddy’s not home,” the babysitter replied. “Since I’m responsible for you while he’s gone, I can sit here. Today I’m the boss” 

Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, “If you’re the boss, you sit over there.” He pointed to his mother’s chair.

Again?!?!  It doesn’t HAVE to be Bob!

This is pure craziness.  I agree with the person who posted this, I too am left with more questions than answers…click HERE to watch what I watched.

My wife still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it. She came into the Family Room as I was watching TV. I guess I stared at her funny because she said, “I just set my hair.” 

The last thing I remember saying was, “Oh, really? And what time does it go off?” 

Exactly!  You know, like saying how marriage is not just between and man and a woman or how this stuff doesn’t apply anymore.  The whole Progressive Christian Church thing.

A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus in Jerusalem. 

The young Jew asks, “Excuse me, sir, what time is it?” 

The old Jew doesn’t answer. 

“Excuse me, sir,” the young Jew asks again, “what time is it?” 

The old Jew still doesn’t answer. 

“Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I really want to know what time it is. Why won’t you answer me?” 

The old Jew says, “Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don’t know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home. 

You’re handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you’ll want to get married. And tell me, why would I want a son-in-law who can’t even afford a watch?” 

Believe it or not, I’ve played with guys and in places where that sign was absolutely a requirement.

Sarah, the new bride, went crying to her mother. “What’s troubling you?” asked her concerned mother. 

“Momma, I can’t get Dave to do anything. I want him to fix up the house, and he keeps putting it off.” Sarah explained. 

“Honey,” her mother replied, “after being married to your father for twenty six years, I’ve found that there’s only one way to get him to do anything.” 

“What way is that?” asked Sarah, “I want to know so that I can try it out on Dave.” 

“Well,” said her mother, “the way to get him to do anything is to tell him he’s too old.”

Okay, if I’m not mistaken, back in the day, cough syrup used to be made up of alcohol, pot, chloroform, and morphine, which was skillfully combined with other ingredients.  Oh no, that’s not scary…not at all.

Okay, so got a nice comment from Leah D. on the Memorial Day issue.  Presented to you here:

Thank you for the request not to say “Happy Memorial Day.” That has always irritated me greatly.

My years growing up in an area of small towns, back when they hadn’t stuck Memorial Day on a Monday, to make a three day weekend, we always gathered at the cemetery, received our flags, placed them on the graves of all our servicemen. There was a gun salute, then from a high cliff, taps reached out to us. It was so moving.

I know Memorial Day is about those who lost their lives defending us. However, I have been acutely aware that ALL who served, though they may have survived, were just as ready as those who didn’t, to make that sacrifice.

I had uncles lost in WWII and Korea. My father made it home, but the tormenting loss of his brothers was too much to stand. By the time his second brother’s body was delivered, my father’s was buried too.

As a teen, I lost friends to the Viet Cong, and one friend lost his mind. I totally agree with you, in anger over how our Vets are treated, left to live a homeless existence on the streets. But one friend who had rich relatives, ready to help him, and they did try, could not rescue him from the nightmares.

Some come home from the wars alive, but missing parts of their bodies. We see the gap where a leg should be . . . but can’t their sanity.

Thank you for the nice comment.  There are a lot of vets who come back with issues.  Some of which are readily apparent by looking at them.  We need to do a better job.  A much better job.

Look at that!  Three on a theme!  Thanks Pete!

That last one was sent to me by buddy Wheats!  Thanks Wheats!

Look what Izzy bought me!!!!! I came home from a graduation party for a friends daughter and she told me that she bought something for me with a big grin on her face.  I thought it would be something silly and it was this cool gift!  I thumbed through it and read a few pages and it is actually really cool and quite biblically accurate.  I’m going to have a great time reading through this!  Maybe I’ll send you guys some pages as I go through it.

Mississinewa Lake from last weekend when I was out on my buddy’s boat.  Quite relaxing for a little while.  Would have been better if it was a sailboat instead of a pontoon.  

Horrific damage from the last storm at our shop on base.

I actually hope it’s the willfully blind, because if they are that congenitally stupid than they are also rabidly dangerous.

A man flies into a new city on business. 

When he got to the hotel he found that he has come down with laryngitis.  He decided to call a doctor before he completely lost his voice.  He looks up a doctor’s phone number and calls him.

Took this picture while I was at the lake.

Tornado takes out tornado siren.  That’s just evil Mr. Tornado!

It’s a sad world we’re living in folks.

39 Ridiculously Gendered Bathroom Signs That Made Me Roll My Eyes So Hard I Could See My Brain

You deserve everything you get!

I don’t want any of you to pass this next one by.  This is SO PERFECT.  What an awesome simile … or is it an analogy?  Whatever.  This is the perfect representation of our life on earth and having a loving God who wants us to get to Heaven.  No one better skip this one.  It’s like one minute long.

WAS     THAT    NOT     AWESOME??????

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year- olds, “I’ll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.” 

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.” 

The teacher said, “Sorry Sean, that’s not correct.” 

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Andrew.” 

The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Hamish, that’s not right either.” 

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.” 

The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Marvin,come up here and I’ll give you the $2.” 

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, “You know Marvin, since you’re Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ.” 

Marvin replied, “Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business…”

Okay, the one about inside the old man….yeah, that one…absolute truth!  Time goes by so fast.  Before you know it, there’s an old man looking back at you in the mirror and you can’t but help think to yourself, “What in the world happened?”

But what happened here is that we are now done with this issue and saying good night.  Until next time.