A brief update before we get started. I’m happy to report Impish’s Family Emergency is resolving itself, abet somewhat slower than anyone would like. He’s catching up on everything he was forced to drop to deal with the family emergency. The big ham assures me he is on track to rejoin us for Saturday’s issue so there will be plenty of Impish to carve up for Easter Sunday dinner no worries.

We now return you to our normally scheduled issue of Leprechaun Laughs shown in its entirety.

As you get off the elevator or escalator you notice signs posted every 10 feet in the corridor leading to the conference room.

Several plastic bins are already mostly full with discarded contraband pranks, Squirting flowers, hand buzzers, stink bombs even a boxes of Mayo refilled cream donuts abound in the piles.

A separate container of far more robust manufacture can be seen behind sand bags where 2 CyberLethals are carefully lowering a box displaying the logo of  Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes inside its protection.

  Lethal is standing behind a clear protective shield on the podium as you enter looking as though he was in the front row of a Gallagher Comedy Concert. He appears to be covered head to toe in a plastic poncho and wearing some sort of full facial protection.

Welcome folks to April Fools Day 2015 or as some of us here refer to it “Impish’s Insufferably Imbecilic & Idiotic Pranks Day” See Impish never met a pranks regardless of how childish he didn’t like- as long as he’s not the brunt of it. Word has it he’s still smarting over the old shaving cream pie delivery announcement of his intervention and looking for payback today however he can get it.

That’s more or less the bad news. Why is it bad news? Because he tends to be a tad- indiscriminate lets call it when it comes to collateral damage from his pranks. Ah! See? NOW you’re beginning to understand! You proximity to me makes you potential recipients as well!

OK! OK! I’m going already!  YEESH!

I was going to mention the good news. Oh! NOW I can stay?

The good news is that Easter is a scant 4 days away which for those Catholics among us means an end to all that Fish on Fridays, self imposed acts of depravation to demonstrate piety and the return of an important food group to our diets – the Chocolate & Alcohol Food Group! This of course is to say nothing about the bowl of Eternal Egg Salad which will magically appear about the Wednesday after in your refrigerators.

OK I’m really getting nervous out here in the open so I’m out of here.

Enjoy the issue!

As Lethal turns to exit the podium a loud -CLICK!- echoes in the room coming from the stand Lethal uses behind the podium. Immediately Lethal falls sideways off the stand and continues to roll away from it just as a bucket of water followed by a 5# bag of flour lands where he had been a split second ago. Suddenly all the screens in the room light up with the image of Impish in his  Rehab cell jumping excitedly from foot to foot and chatter a mile a minute.

“The-signal-just-went-off-Terrance-I-heard-it.- Good-work-you’ll-get-a-raise-for-this.-He’ll-never-suspect-it-was-me-who-April-Fools-pranked-his-mean-green-little-ass…all-the-way-from-Rehab-Boot-Camp-where-that-damned-Stalinistic-Shoe-Elf-sent-me-to-be-tortured.

Uhh…Wait! What the…Why am I seeing the Conference Room? Who’s the little plastic wrapped dude? Is that Lethal?…. Ut-oh! Uhh..errmm.. HI YA PAL! APRIL FOOLS? That really wasn’t me that tried the old water the flour gag on ya-really. No, seriously Dude, I was uhh…just trying to claim credit so I could say April Fools when you got all mad at me…yeah that’s what it was.

Lethal Buddy? Aren’t you going to say something? Hey thanks for having Robo-me repaired so I have someone to play DragonQuest with! You got to know I totally understand why you sent me here- its for my own good after all. You know I know how much you hate April Fools Day and all the pranks. You know I’d never do anything like that right? It’s all a big misunderstanding, just a mistake- okay pal? Don’t get mad ok? PLEASE?!

Lethal? Aren’t you going to say anything?”

<Lethal pulls his tablet from under his poncho and taps on it for a minute>

“Uhh…Lethal? Come on now pal I’m miserable enough here please- no revenge! I mean come on it didn’t even work- not that it was my prank- I’m not even there! You can’t hold me responsible for any suggestion I might had accidentally made when talking about the classic April Fools gags of old with Terrance now can you?”

<Lethal has stopped tapping on his tablet and returned it to the safety of the poncho’s interior. He raises the safety visor and can be seen to actually be smiling quite merrily.>

“Uhh…what did you do Lethal? I know that smile! That’s your someone’s-about-to-pay-really-big revenge smile!”

<Behind Impish Robo-Impish can be seen and heard groaning to life.>

“Huh? What? I didn’t turn him on! What the…?”

<Robo Impish appears to have been upgraded to a transformer while Lethal repaired it. As you watch it undergoes a metamorphosis of sorts as it shambles towards Impish. Wings disappear, forearms lengthen, the tail shortens and fattens, horns retract as does the snout which becomes broader. All the changes are causing it to looks slightly familiar. You can’t quite place the resemblance until just prior to wrapping its robotically strong arms about Impish in a near death hug when its coloring suddenly turns from shades of Blue to Purple and Green.

As Impish starts shrieking and frantically attempting to free himself from the mechanical representation of his nemesis pleading sobbingly for leniency and forgiveness. Lethal turns, winks while shooting a thumbs up at you all and heads off stage calling-

“TERRANCE! DON’T TRY RUNNING AND HIDING LIKE YOUR BOSS- IT’S ONLY TIRED YOU’LL WIND UP AND WORSE YOU’LL MAKE THINGS!”

Mean time over the slowly fading screams and whimpers of Impish as the picture from his Barracks cell dissolves into another No April Fools logo you hear singing:

The Moral to Today’s Opening: NEVER prank the reigning Prince of the Pranksters!

69-year-old comedienne has the Opry in stitches!

This 69-year-old comedienne is as spry as a spring chicken! That’s Jeanne Robertson performing live at the Grand Ole Opry. She has this country-loving crowd rolling in the aisles laughing!

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off. She hangs on Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

Bob’s buddies at the club are all agog. They finally corner him alone and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”
“What do you mean, girlfriend?” Bob replies. “She’s my wife!”

They’re knocked over, and press on.

“How in the world did you persuade her to marry you?” they ask.
“Well,” he admits, “I lied about my age.”
“You cad!” one says, breaking the shocked silence.

“What, did you tell her you were only 50 or something?” asked another.

“No,” Bob smiles. “I told her I was 90.”

April Fools’ Day: Origin and History

The uncertain origins of a foolish day

April Fools’ Day, sometimes called All Fools’ Day, is one of the most light-hearted days of the year. Its origins are uncertain. Some see it as a celebration related to the turn of the seasons, while others believe it stems from the adoption of a new calendar.

New Year’s Day Moves

Ancient cultures, including those of the Romans and Hindus, celebrated New Year’s Day on or around April 1. It closely follows the vernal equinox (March 20th or March 21st.) In medieval times, much of Europe celebrated March 25, the Feast of Annunciation, as the beginning of the new year.

In 1582, Pope Gregory XIII ordered a new calendar (the Gregorian Calendar) to replace the old Julian Calendar. The new calendar called for New Year’s Day to be celebrated Jan. 1. That year, France adopted the reformed calendar and shifted New Year’s day to Jan. 1. According to a popular explanation, many people either refused to accept the new date, or did not learn about it, and continued to celebrate New Year’s Day on April 1. Other people began to make fun of these traditionalists, sending them on “fool’s errands” or trying to trick them into believing something false. Eventually, the practice spread throughout Europe.

Problems With This Explanation

There are at least two difficulties with this explanation. The first is that it doesn’t fully account for the spread of April Fools’ Day to other European countries. The Gregorian calendar was not adopted by England until 1752, for example, but April Fools’ Day was already well established there by that point. The second is that we have no direct historical evidence for this explanation, only conjecture, and that conjecture appears to have been made more recently.

Constantine and Kugel

Another explanation of the origins of April Fools’ Day was provided by Joseph Boskin, a professor of history at Boston University. He explained that the practice began during the reign of Constantine, when a group of court jesters and fools told the Roman emperor that they could do a better job of running the empire. Constantine, amused, allowed a jester named Kugel to be king for one day. Kugel passed an edict calling for absurdity on that day, and the custom became an annual event.

“In a way,” explained Prof. Boskin, “it was a very serious day. In those times fools were really wise men. It was the role of jesters to put things in perspective with humor.”

This explanation was brought to the public’s attention in an Associated Press article printed by many newspapers in 1983. There was only one catch: Boskin made the whole thing up. It took a couple of weeks for the AP to realize that they’d been victims of an April Fools’ joke themselves.

Spring Fever

It is worth noting that many different cultures have had days of foolishness around the start of April, give or take a couple of weeks. The Romans had a festival named Hilaria on March 25, rejoicing in the resurrection of Attis. The Hindu calendar has Holi, and the Jewish calendar has Purim. Perhaps there’s something about the time of year, with its turn from winter to spring, that lends itself to lighthearted celebrations.

Observances Around the World

April Fools’ Day is observed throughout the Western world. Practices include sending someone on a “fool’s errand,” looking for things that don’t exist; playing pranks; and trying to get people to believe ridiculous things.

The French call April 1 Poisson d’Avril, or “April Fish.” French children sometimes tape a picture of a fish on the back of their schoolmates, crying “Poisson d’Avril” when the prank is discovered.

I don’t have to celebrate it- I work with it!

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars, and they needed someone very special since only one person could go — and it was a one-way mission: they couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked why he was most qualified and how much he wanted to be paid.

“I’m an engineer, so the mission would have the most chance for success because I can fix anything that goes wrong. As for pay,” he said, “I want a million dollars because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. “I’m a doctor, so I’d be able to keep myself alive to achieve the mission goals. I’d like $2 million: a million to my family, and the rest would be to fund the rest of my work on a technology I just invented that would save thousands of lives.”

The last applicant was Lethal Leprechaun. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“How are you more qualified,” asked the interview panel, “and why do you want so much more money?”

“Well,” the Lethal replied, “Clearly the doctor is full of himself; if you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”

There was an old man from Milan,
Whose limericks never would scan.
When told this was so, He said, “Yes, I know.”
But I always try to get as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can.

There was an old man of isles
Who suffered severely from piles.
He couldn’t sit down Without a deep frown
So he had to row standing for miles.

There once was a sculptor named Phideous
Whose sculptures by most were thought hideous.
He carved Aphrodite Without even a nightie
Which shocked all the fussy fastidious.

There was a young girl from Rabat,
who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding, But hell in the feeding,
When she found she had no tit for Tat.

First Diaman learns to drive the busses, now Ginny wants a turn!

Lethal’s Laws for 21st Century Life

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of a Liberal’s Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, or change it for the worse.

This is Ninja Kitty Anakin demonstrating his mastery of the Force.

Around here I’m apparently responsible for the Red, Blue and gold while Impish takes care of the Green and Yellow sections.

Staying Young

Harriet, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

She goes through a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, and then hears a knock at the door.

It’s a delivery man. “Before you go,” she says after taking the package he brought, “may I ask what age you think I am?”

Looking over her carefully, the driver says, “Judging from your skin, 20.”

She’s very pleased, but before she can say anything, he continues.

“And judging by your hair, 18; and your figure, 25.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushes.

“Hold on there, lady!” he says. “I haven’t added them up yet!”

Catholic Honeymoon

On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed.

When her husband wasn’t shortly behind her, she got up and went looking for him — and found that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

She asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her.

“I thought you realized,” he replied. “It’s Lent.”

“What?!” she shrieked, almost in tears. “Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!”

“Well, you asked, and that’s the answer,” he said, going back to his book.

“But…” she said. “Who did you lend it to, and for how long?”

30-Minute Coq au Vin

Classic coq au vin can take up to two days to prepare, including marinating the chicken overnight. We make a red wine sauce with bacon, mushrooms and pearl onions (the frozen variety, so you can skip the tedious peeling), then slip in rotisserie chicken parts to warm through, and voila!

Total Time: 30 min
Prep: 5 min
Cook: 25 min
Yield: 4 servings
Level: Easy

Ingredients

4 slices thick-cut bacon, cut into 1/2 inch strips (about 4 1/2 ounces)
10 ounces cremini mushrooms, halved or quartered
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 1/2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons tomato paste
1 1/2 cups chicken broth
1 cup red wine
1 1/2 cups frozen pearl onions
2 sprigs fresh thyme or pinch dried thyme
2 tablespoons cold unsalted butter, cut into 4 pieces
Pinch sugar, optional
1 cooked rotisserie chicken, cut into 8 pieces
1 teaspoon chopped fresh parsley, for garnish

Directions

Put the bacon into an unheated large, high-sided skillet and cook over medium heat, stirring periodically, until the bacon is browned and crisp, about 8 minutes. Transfer the bacon to a small bowl with a slotted spoon; set aside.

Discard all but 2 tablespoons of the bacon fat in the pan. Increase the heat to medium-high. Add the mushrooms, 1/4 teaspoon salt and several grinds of pepper and cook until browned, 2 to 3 minutes. Stir in the garlic, flour and tomato paste and cook, stirring, until the tomato paste darkens a little, about 1 minute. Add the chicken broth, wine, onions, thyme, 1/2 teaspoon salt and more pepper. Bring to a boil, then let simmer until thickened, about 4 minutes.

Turn the heat down to medium, and whisk in the butter a little at a time. If the sauce tastes a little too acidic, add the sugar. Nestle the chicken and cooked bacon into the sauce, and simmer gently until the chicken is heated through, 6 to 7 minutes. (This could take up to 10 minutes if the chicken is cold, or as little as 3 minutes if it is warm.) Spoon the sauce over the chicken pieces periodically to coat completely. Toss the chicken in the sauce, remove the thyme stems, sprinkle with the parsley and serve.

Meatball-Tortellini Soup

Total Time: 35 min
Prep: 20 min
Cook: 15 min
Yield: 4 servings
Level: Easy

Ingredients

8 ounces ground beef chuck
1/4 cup grated parmesan cheese, plus more for topping
1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley
1 large egg, lightly beaten
1 clove garlic, grated
Kosher salt and freshly ground pepper
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
2 carrots, diced
2 stalks celery, diced
1 quart low-sodium chicken broth
1 9 -ounce package refrigerated cheese tortellini
4 cups loosely packed baby spinach (about 3 ounces)

Directions

Combine the beef, parmesan, 2 tablespoons parsley, the egg, garlic, 1/2 teaspoon salt, and pepper to taste in a medium bowl; mix with your hands until just combined. Form into 1-inch meatballs; set aside.

Heat the olive oil in a pot or Dutch oven over medium-high heat. Add the meatballs and cook, turning, until golden, 3 to 4 minutes; remove to a plate. Add the carrots and celery to the pot; cook, stirring, until just softened, about 5 minutes. Add the broth and 3 cups water; bring to a boil. Return the meatballs to the pot along with the remaining 2 tablespoons parsley and 1/2 teaspoon salt. Simmer until the meatballs are just cooked through, about 2 minutes.

Add the tortellini and cook until they float to the top, about 4 minutes. Add the spinach and cook, stirring, until wilted, 1 minute. Season with salt and pepper. Top with more parmesan.

Speaking of fools, someone has already thrown their hat into the ring to replace our present Chief Fool who’s primary job qualifications would seem to have his total lack of experience at anything other than being King of the Liberal Fools.

Apparently in a fit of ‘If-it-worked-for-the-Liberals-why-can’t-it-work-for-us’ logic the Republican’s first hat in the ring is another no experience flashy fool.

Ted Cruz kicks off 2016 presidential campaign on Obamacare anniversary

Author: The Associated Press Published On: Mar 23 2015 04:45:15 PM CDT

(CNN) –

Sen. Ted Cruz opened the first major campaign of the 2016 presidential season Monday with a kickoff speech courting cultural conservatives and declaring that he will devote himself to “reigniting the promise of America.”

One of several Republican hopefuls to rise from the tea party movement, Cruz spoke at Liberty University, the college founded by the late Rev. Jerry Falwell, hours after a wee-hours tweet announcing his White House bid. The choice of the college founded by the late Rev. Jerry Falwell was meant as marker against potential rivals who are also counting on Christian conservatives to fuel their candidacies.

Cruz addressed his religious faith, his father’s Cuban roots and his unquestioned conservative credentials, saying “for so many Americans the promise of America seems more and more distant.”

And he asked the enthusiastic crowd to “imagine a president that finally, finally, finally secures the borders.”

“Imagine a simple flat tax,” he said. “Imagine abolishing the IRS.”

He spoke on the fifth anniversary of President Barack Obama’s health care law — legislation that prompted Cruz to stand for more than 21 hours in the Senate to denounce it in a marathon speech that delighted his tea party constituency and other foes of the law.

By getting in early — and at Liberty — Cruz was hoping to claim ownership of the influential and highly vocal corner of the Republican Party for whom cultural issues are supreme. It was a move at crowding out figures such as former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, a former Baptist pastor, and former Sen. Rick Santorum, who has made his Catholic faith a cornerstone of his political identity.

Well the fool-flash thing is certainly easily enough to establish just from that admittedly truncated by me to cover the important points I am trying to make little bit. Also we see the favorite-fool play coming out early just as the present Fool in Chief did it. But does he have any qualification and the experience to be President?

7 things to know as US Sen. Ted Cruz enters 2016 presidential race

By The Associated Press Monday, March 23, 2015

THE BRIEF

Ted Cruz is man in a hurry. He won election to the Senate in 2012 as a political rookie, riding a tea party wave to upset a candidate with decades of experience and deep connections inside the Republican Party. He’s proceeded since with the same disregard for the GOP establishment, at times maneuvering quixotically in the Senate to mount an aggressive opposition to President Barack Obama. It’s an approach that has annoyed fellow Republicans — Arizona Sen. John McCain famously labeled Cruz as one of the Senate’s “wacko birds” — but Cruz is unapologetic. As he recently told voters in New Hampshire, “If you see a candidate who Washington embraces, run and hide.” He even announced his candidacy hours ahead of the planned launch, in a post-midnight Twitter message Monday.

RESUME REVIEW

Prior to his election to the Senate, Cruz’s career was centered on practicing law at the highest level. A graduate of Harvard Law School and clerk for Supreme Court Justice William Rehnquist, Cruz led a Houston-based firm’s Supreme Court practice, taught such litigation at the University of Texas and was charged with representing the state before the high court as its solicitor general. He also served in the George W. Bush administration, at both the Federal Trade Commission and as an associate deputy attorney general at the Justice Department.

PERSONAL STORY

The son of Cuban immigrant and American mother, Cruz was born in Calgary, Alberta, on Dec. 22, 1970, while his parents were working in the oil business. He’s since renounced his Canadian citizenship, and lawyers from both parties have said they think he’s eligible to run for president. He and his wife Heidi, a managing director at Goldman Sachs, live in Houston with their two daughters, Caroline and Catherine. His father is now a Texas pastor who draws plenty of his own attention, saying in the past that Obama is a “Marxist” who should be sent “back to Kenya.”

CALLING CARD MOMENT

For 21 hours and 19 minutes in September 2013, Cruz stood in the Senate to urge Congress to cut off money for Obama’s health care law. The marathon speech, which included Cruz reading the Dr. Seuss classic “Green Eggs and Ham” to his daughters, said to be watching their father at home, was partly behind a 16-day partial government shutdown the next month. He later joked the speech featured hours of “my favorite sound” — his own voice.

The tactic was a hit among Cruz’s tea party supporters, who are excited by his entry into the 2016 race. Cruz “will excite the base in a way we haven’t seen in years,” said Amy Kremer, the former head of the Tea Party Express. But Cruz’s uncompromising approach has won him few friends in the Senate. In December, when Cruz defied party leaders to force a vote on Obama’s executive actions on immigration, he again drew fire: “I fail to see what conservative ends were achieved,” said Arizona GOP Sen. Jeff Flake.

From this it’s clear to me that we have another unqualified Obama on our hands, abet from the opposite end of the spectrum., No experience, no qualifications other than pandering to certain groups to make himself popular and certainly no record of co-operation with even his own party. In short we have a potential 8 more years of our current political problems utilizing much the same attitude and tactics just under a different political banner in Cruz.

California Girls (like Diaman) …and New Jersey Girls (like Ginny)

California Girls (like Diaman) blush during love scenes in a movie.
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) know they could do it better.

California Girls (like Diaman) loosen a few buttons when it’s hot.
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

California Girls (like Diaman) only own one credit card and rarely use it.
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) only own one bra and rarely use it.

California Girls (like Diaman) pack their toothbrush.
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) pack their diaphragms.

California Girls (like Diaman) prefer the missionary position.
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) do too, but only for starters.

California Girls (like Diaman) say, “No.”
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) say, “When?”

California Girls (like Diaman) think they’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) think they’re fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

California Girls (like Diaman) wax their floors.
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) wax their bikini lines — or more….

California Girls (like Diaman) wear high heels for a night out.
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) wear high heels to bed.

Ut-oh! That Dragon has a death wish I swear!

Another Innocent Life Destroyed by Zero Tolerance: Last September Brian Wilson, an assistant principal at Bedford (Va.) Middle School, found a leaf in an 11-year-old student’s backpack. The sixth-grader, who was in the gifted and talented program, says he doesn’t know how it got into his backpack, which had been sitting in an unsecured locker before Wilson grabbed it. Assuming it was marijuana, Wilson called in the school’s “resource officer” — a sheriff’s deputy — to check it out. Deputy M.M. Calohan tested it three times, and every time it came back negative for marijuana, but she “went to a magistrate and swore he possessed marijuana at school,” says Melvin Williams, the boy’s attorney. School officials suspended the boy for 10 days, pending an expulsion hearing. At that hearing, it was decided not to expel the boy, but rather to suspend him …for 364 days. The leaf went to the crime lab for further testing. Months later, the crime lab confirmed the initial tests: it was not marijuana. The school system reluctantly accepted the boy back to class — but only at a different school, and only under “strict probation” until those 364 days are up. But after six months of suspicion and absence from school — not to mention a school-mandated “substance abuse evaluation” — the boy is “withdrawn socially, and is now under the care of a pediatric psychiatrist for panic attacks and depression,” according to his parents, Bruce and Linda Bays, who are both school teachers. After the hearing, “he just broke down and said his life was over,” Linda Bays said. “He would never be able to get into college; he would never be able to get a job.” The Bays family is nearly out of money after paying for lawyers, doctors, and home-schooling, so with Williams’ help, they’ve filed a federal lawsuit against the school and the sheriff’s department for their zero tolerance punishment of their unnamed son’s non-crime. The same attorney is defending both: Jim Guynn has filed a motion to dismiss, saying that the school’s zero tolerance anti-drug policy doesn’t just prohibit actual drugs, but also “lookalike” and “imitation” drugs; that’s “a pretty standard rule across the commonwealth,” Guynn says. “It’s the same punishment and exactly the same result.” (RC/Roanoke Times) …This is an innocent child. And this is the inevitable outcome in a school governed by zero tolerance. Any questions?

A Day at the Races

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse — a very long shot — won the race.

Before the following race, the Priest blessed yet another horse. Mitch made a beeline for the window, and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet a large amount of money on it, and it won!

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.

Mitch bet every cent he had, including his life savings and the deed to his house. Mitch then watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded.

He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, “What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I’ve lost all my savings!”

The priest nodded wisely and said, “That’s the problem with Protestants — you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites!

http://hoaxes.org/aprilfool

I swear that’s pretty much Molly’s preferred method for dealing with any insect whenever I’m not around to deal them.

A Book Review

No idea where this brilliant bit came from but it certainly makes me feel inadequate both at writing and humor

The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry in which the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes and bold imagery of some of his earlier works, most notably Green Eggs and Ham, If I Ran the Zoo, and Why Can’t I Shower With Mommy? In this novel, Theodore Geisel, writing under the pseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund Freud in a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two young children understand their own frustrated sexuality.

The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister, abandoned by their mother, staring mournfully through the window of their single-family dwelling. In the foreground, a large tree/phallic symbol dances wildly in the wind, taunting the children and encouraging them to succumb to the sexual yearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to the most unlearned reader, the blatant references to the incestuous relationship the two share set the tone for Seuss’ probing examination of the satisfaction of primitive needs. The Cat proceeds to charm the wary youths into engaging in what he so innocently refers to as “tricks”. At this point, the fish, an obvious Christ figure who represents the prevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn the children, and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the dangers associated with the unleashing of the primal urges. In response to this, the Cat proceeds to balance the aquatic naysayer on the end of his umbrella, essentially saying, “Down with morality; down with God!”

After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged Christ figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons of Western culture, most notably two books, representing the Old and New Testaments, and a saucer of lactal fluid, an ironic reference to maternal loss the two children experienced when their mother abandoned them “for the afternoon”. Our heroic Id adds to this bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus completes the Oedipal triangle.

Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora’s box, a large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One, or Freud’s concept of Ego, the division of the psyche that serves as the conscious mediator between the person and reality, and Thing Two, the Superego, which functions to reward and punish through a system of moral attitudes, conscience, and guilt. Referring to this box, the Cat says, “Now look at this trick. Take a look!” In this, Dr. Seuss uses the children as a brilliant metaphor for the reader, and asks the reader to re-examine his own inner self.

The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego, allow these creatures to run free and mess up the house, or more symbolically, control their lives. This rampage continues until the fish, or Christ symbol, warns that the mother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal triangle that existed before her abandonment of the children. At this point, Seuss introduces a many-armed cleaning device which represents the psychoanalytic couch, which proceeds to put the two youngsters’ lives back in order.

With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces Freud’s concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to an easily understood gesture. Seuss’ poetry and choice of words is equally impressive and serves as a splendid counterpart to his bold symbolism. In all, his writing style is quick and fluid, making The Cat in the Hat impossible to put down. While this novel is 61 pages in length, and one can read it in five minutes or less, it is not until after multiple readings that the genius of this modern day master becomes apparent.

Buy the book

Chip Rowe, happens to be the author of the much famed Playboy Advisor. Recently, Chip published Dear Playboy Advisor, a compilation of his favorite letters from the past decade and, of course, his replies. Chip can be pretty funny (indeed, one letter asks for his advice, but grumbles “I don’t want any of your usual coy or sarcastic bullshit, either. I need some practical advice.” Well yeah: he was asking for advice on how to “pick up” models. Unluckily for him, they don’t have handles.)

Anyway, here are some of my favorite Advisor come-backs — get the book to see the complete answers.

Q: Is there a subtle way to ask how a new lover feels about spanking?
A: Besides the fact that they never sit down? It’s hit or miss.

Q: Is it okay to masturbate while wearing boxing gloves?
A: Sure. Knock yourself out.

Q: Has there ever been a successful penis transplant?
A: Are you in search of one or looking to donate?

Q: Is there such a thing as 3-D porn?
A: Sure. Open your eyes during sex. Porn shot in 3D, like porn that’s not shot in 3D, is mostly disappointing.

Q: I have tried in vain to explain to my girlfriend that we are not friends, just as a parent is not his child’s friend. While elements of friendship might be present in these relationships, calling each other friends isn’t accurate. Help!
A: Are you expecting to get laid anytime soon, Mr. Spock?

Q: I met a gorgeous woman at a party. As we spoke, I noticed her touching her neck in the area where her blouse button would be. Any idea what that meant?
A: She wanted you. Or she lost her necklace. Hard to say.

Q: I read an article that says intelligent guys, because they have no social skills and overanalyze dating situations, have trouble with women. True?
A: Genius is a burden, but we’ve managed.

What is your personality type?

‘Most Interesting Man’ cutout gets ticket

Washington state trooper gives man $124 citation

Author: By Todd Leopold CNN Published On: Mar 25 2015 10:27:34 AM CDT

(CNN) – Call it “The Most Interesting Traffic Ticket in the World.”

A Washington state trooper caught a driver using a cardboard cutout of Jonathan Goldsmith, the Dos Equis beer pitchman known as “The Most Interesting Man in the World.” The driver, who was by himself, was attempting to use the HOV lane.

“The trooper immediately recognized it was a prop and not a passenger,” Trooper Guy Gill told the New York Daily News. “As the trooper approached, the driver was actually laughing.”

Gill sent out a tweet with a photo of the cutout — who was clad in what looked like a knit shirt, a far cry from his usual attire — and the unnamed laughing driver: “I don’t always violate the HOV lane law…but when I do, I get a $124 ticket! We’ll give him an A for creativity!”

The driver was caught on Interstate 5 near Fife, Washington, just outside Tacoma.

“He could have picked a less recognizable face to put on his prop,” Gill told the Daily News. “We see that a lot. Usually it’s a sleeping bag. This was very creative.”

When last we left Impish he was slowly recovering from being under the weather.

Holy $#%@&! I won the Enchanted Forest Board election in a bad year for Ds (News is talking about Dragons, right?) Now what do I do? Stupid pointy-face horse won too and is talking about forming glitter caucus.

Dragon Diaries Part Four

Went to my first Enchanted Forest Board Meeting. Very frustrating. Spent 3 hrs. arguing over obviously moot point. Clear who was going to win before debate even started. Final vote came in 74-6.

Must not ated fellow board members. Must not ated fellow board members. Must not…

Fall sun has gotten much lower in the sky. Not hitting cat’s bed anymore. Had to cut bigger window. No. Cat is not spoiled. Just ask cat.

Got note from pointy-face horse that glitter caucus is NOT open to big smelly lizards. Asked valet Weasley to dig out Jumbo book of Unicorn Recipes again. Might be worth the indigestion.

What the hell is this white stuff? It fell from the sky! And it’s cold! Do not want!

Used fire breath to melt white stuff in front of cave. Mistake. Now have giant patch of slippy stuff. Nearly fell on my…cat.

Finally got slippy stuff melted away. Then more of the damn white stuff fell. Thinking about napping till March.

Still cold, and now there’s more white stuff on the ground. Not sure whose idea this was, but I’m totally going to ated them.

Tiamat’s witnesses came to tell how Tiamat is source of all things. Me: “Even the cold white stuff from the sky?” Them: “Yes, all things.” So I ated them.

The white stuff stopped falling. Cat says is a co-oincidence and something about correlation and causation, but not to worry because ateding door-to-door sales-initiates is a good thing anyway.

Ated entire roasted roc. Well, almost. Gave cat the giblets, all fifty pounds. Going to hibernate now. Wake me in spring.

Trollscouts just came to cave selling wreaths & cookies. I ated them. The wreaths and the trollscouts that is. The cookies looked a little dicey.

The wreaths were delicious. I could have done without the trollscouts.

Trollscout troll scoutmaster stopped by to lodge complaint about ateding his scouts, said that was his job. I ated him too.

Much better tasting than the scouts, though I still think the wreaths were the best part of that meal.

Beginning to think Trollscouts just a scam to bring soft and crunchy children in for troll scoutmasters to ated. Am now thinking of forming dragonscouts…

If only I could be guaranteed a better class of scout…or at least a tastier one.