Good Morning Campers,

Before we get started, I’d like to make an important announcement.  Can we lower the lights please? 

Thank you

And a drum roll please……

Ahem!

Tomorrow, on Sunday, June 14th, it will be Lethal Leprechaun’s Fifth Anniversary of writing Leprechaun Laffs!  Congratulations buddy!  I’m proud of you. 

A little more than five years ago, when I was struggling to put out a decent ezine, this guy offered to lend a hand.  Shortly thereafter he had his own following and Leprechaun Laffs was born.  Those of you who’ve been with us for the whole time probably remember how we slowly melded our styles until we have the wonderful product and stories that we have today.

Lethal, I’m so very proud to call you friend.  We’ve never met face-to-face, but yet we communicate every single day.  I know your family and you know mine and honestly, I would go to the ends of the earth for this man, or his family and I know that he would do the same for me and mine.  Semper fi my brother and congratulations.  You are the best.  A closer friend and buddy I’ve never had.

Now, I’m not going to go on about any other subject, I don’t want to take anything away from the milestone for Lethal, so …

 

Atta Girl!!

 

During a lady’s medical examination, the British doctor says,  “Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”

The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

“No! No! …. Just stick out your tongue!”

 

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

And then she went back to reading her book.

 

 

The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?” All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?” Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: “I love you, sweetheart.” The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.   Here are some of the replies: 1. Who the hell is this? 2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what? 3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s up with you?? 4. What now? Did you wreck the car again? 5. I don’t understand what you mean? 6. What the ___ did you do now? 7. You’re kidding, right ? 8. Don’t beat about the bush; just tell me how much you need? 9. Am I dreaming? 10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die. 11. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day. 12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she???

 

As you can see, this is a picture done by little Suzy, who is so enamored of her reading teacher that she drew a picture of the two of them reading together.  Afterwards, Suzy went back to play with the other dragons and her teacher moved on to the next pupil.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The Farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.

To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that when ever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s booked up for a year.’

 

It’s funny.  I would say this is the exact ratio that Mrs. Dragon and I have when we sleep…although she would claim it was the exact opposite.  Well, I proved her wrong one day, by getting up in the middle of the night and taking a picture of the blankets all pulled over to her side of the bed and and the bottom of the blankets actually 6 or 8 inches onto my side of the bed so there was NO covers for me.

I showed her the picture the next morning as proof of what happened.

She crushed my camera.

Like I said.

It’s funny.

 

And people wonder why I’m banned from so many places.

 

And so very many of the liberals believe that all they have to do is follow this man and all of their fantasies will come true.

 

 

Another self-portrait done by one of our students.  You can see she instilled a little bit of magic into her painting to get it to move like that.  If you watch it carefully, you can see her get up and walk around and then she’ll come back and sit back down again.  Every now and then I’ve caught her doing her homework while she’s in the picture. 

 

 

 

Yup, there’s a couple of anti-obama pictures in here this week… I just can’t help myself.  When someone sends them to me, I just have to pass them on.  Don’t think I wont give equal time to the other side, all you have to do is send me a funny joke or picture and if I haven’t heard it before and it makes me laugh, then it will probably get put into an issue.

 

And according to him… he deserves it.

 

Okay and one more…

 

 

 

 

Yeah!  No shit!  Don’t call me and tell me that!!!

 

 

 

 

 

I agree!  What the hell is that thing???

 

A woman says to her mother, “I’m divorcing Sheldon!

 

All he wants is anal sex and my rear end is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece.”

 

Mother says “You’re married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $3,000 a week allowance,  you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents?

 

 

 

 

 

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.

The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his PROFILE.”

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs.  Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my baseball bat, thinking that could scare him off, and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.

I came around the corner with the bat raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I thought I heard an intruder. I came down to scare him.”

She looked my naked self up and down and mumbled, “You didn’t need the bat.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

With the clang of the portcullis closing behind him, Impish Dragon pauses and mumbles to himself, “That coffee and pastrami sandwich was really good, but why do I still feel so hungry?  I’ll have to hurry with that report for Mr. Green so I can go to the canteen and get another light snack to hold me over till lunch.  Thank goodness this report is only for our records.  I’m sure I would have been grounded if I had to report seeing little green men for real.”

As he waddles towards the exit he sees a figure appear from the shadows walking towards him.  As he reaches the light he sees a bald headed human.  With a deep, almost Shakespearean voice he asks, “Pardon me, Mr. Dragon.  Can you perhaps direct me towards Mr. Green’s current location?”

“Ah, sure buddy.  Just continue down this hall, when you get to the gate, ask the guard and he’ll get you to the right place.”

As the man passes, he enters into the light and Impish gets a good look at him.  As the man says, “Thank you sir.  You are quite kind.”  Impish says, “Patrick Stewart?!”

“Oh no, my dear dragon.  You can call me Jean Luc.”  And with that he disappears back into the shadows heading towards the portcullis.

Impish turns and stares at the retreating back.  “Nah!  What in the world would Patrick Stewart be doing here.” And he turns and waddles out the exit, flaps his wings and soars into the sky back towards the main offices of DL&LL Enterprises.

 

In Chitty, Chitty – Bang, Bang’s garage / living room, Terrance says, “The Blue One has been flashed again.”

The very steampunk looking car replies, in her unique cockney accent, “Oh dear.  Mr. Green is going to give him brain damage.”

Terrance the Troll chuckles, “Don’t you have to have a brain before you can suffer brain damage?”

CB2 bumps his leg with her bumper, “Don’t be like that.  Don’t be like all the others who pick-on and tease him behind his back.” She gives a snort and a puff of black smoke exits from her exhaust, “Bloody hell, too many of them do it right to his face.  He is a founding member of this organization and is a lot smarter than most people believe.  I think it’s all a front, I think he just pretends to be that way.”

Before Terrance can answer, the door opens and Impish Dragon pokes his head in.  “There you are Terrance.” He tries to get all the way in through the door and gets his hips stuck.  He’s wider than the door and now, can’t move in or out.  “Um, can you give me a hand here?  I seem to be stuck.”

Terrance turns towards CB2 and says, sotto voice, “You were saying?  Doesn’t this situation remind you even a little bit of Winnie-the-Pooh stuck trying to get the honey?  This is the third time this week that he’s gotten stuck in that same door and he’s only BEEN here three times this week.”

Terrance turns towards Impish, “Yeah, hang on boss.  I gotcha.”  He walks over and pushes the button to raise the big garage door, then walks through and around to Impish’s ample posterior, takes a two-step running start and lands both feet on his ass.  With a soft pop, Impish stumbles into the room, falls over an easy chair and face plants beside CB2’s passenger door.  Terrance helps him up while reminding him, “Boss, you know you’re supposed to go through the big door.  You don’t fit through the little one.”

CB2 asks, “Mr. Blue?  Are you okay?”

“Oh, hi Chitty Babe.” Impish climbs to his feet.  “I didn’t know you were here.  I was looking for Terrance.”

CB2 snorts and another little black puff of smoke comes out of her exhaust, “Mr. Blue, this is MY room.  Why wouldn’t I be here?  And STOP CALLING ME BABE!”

Impish dusts himself off and says, “Right, right Chitty sweetie, of course you would be here.  Why would you think you wouldn’t be here?  Are you okay?”  Before she can answer he continues, “Terrance, we have to finish that report for Mr. Green.  Come on.  I need you to type while I tell you what happened.  Let’s go.  And try to actually type the words I tell you.  What you type very rarely comes out the way I say it.  I don’t know why Mr. Green always accepts your typing and not mine.  Even when you get it wrong.”

As he’s prattling along, he’s pushing Terrance towards the office complex.

“See you later Chitty Babe.  Let’s go flying later.”

And with that, the two of them are gone.

“Bloody wanker.  Maybe he really is that stupid.”

 

As Impish and Terrance reach Impish’s office with Terrance trying to get a word in edgewise, they finally stop at Terrance’s desk and Terrance blurts, “I’ve been trying to tell you all along, that I’ve already got that report finished!  It just needs your paw print and it’s good to go back to Mr. Green.”

“But how do you know what to put in it?”

“You’ve told me the story a hundred times in the last two days!”

“I have?”

Terrance suddenly remembers the neuralyzer and realizes that Impish doesn’t remember telling him the story. “Yeah boss.  You had me write it all out for you.  It’s taken care of.”

“I did?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s done?”

“Yeah.”

“Finished?”

“Yeah.”

Impish stands there for a second, his brow furrowed in thought.  Terrance is worried that the dragon will realize that something is wrong.
“So then….”
“that means….”
” it must be lunch time!  Come on, I’m buying.”

Terrance reluctantly follows along behind his boss and says, “But lunch is free in the cafeteria.”

“Right.  That’s what I said.  I’m buying.”

 

Later that day, Impish is in CB2’s room, lounging on her couch, that was specially built for his use.  Chitty asks, “Impish, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, Chitty Babe, ask away.”

“Do you call me babe all the time just to piss me off?!”

“That’s the question you wanted to ask?” Impish chuckles.

“No.  Um… not, that’s not what I wanted to ask.  I wanted to ask, well…I’m not sure how to put this…”  There is a long pause as the two friends look at each other.  Finally, the car blurts out, “Are you pretending all the time or are you really that … off.”

“Off?”

“Oh alright.  Are you really that bloody stupid?!”  Chitty huffs and the engine gives a deep growling sound.
“I have seen you do some amazing things and be in complete control and commanding the situation.  The Ninja Kitties told me about the fighter jets and the canyon and you were 100% in charge and in control and handled everything just perfect and then you come down here and trip and fall and act like you’re a … a ….” She stops as she’s suddenly at a loss for words.

Impish leans in and Chitty believes he’s going to reveal something very important when he whispers, “You TALK to the Ninja Cats?!  Really?  They scare the heck out of me!”

“OH BLOODY HELL, IMPISH!  I’ve had enough! You are going to be honest with me or we can NEVER be true partners and I’ll NEVER go flying with you again!!”

They both sit staring at each other as the pause lengthens into the point of uncomfortableness.  The tension continues to build until Impish sighs and an almost visible change takes over his body and his expressions.  He gets up smoothly and walks over to the doors and locks them.  He removes a device from a pouch and puts it on the table before them.  It looks like a small transistor radio, with an antenna that he raises.  He pushes a button and a red light comes on.  A high pitched screeching is heard and the light turns green and there is silence.

“This won’t last long.  I’m sure security is wondering why all their cameras and speakers have stopped working and they will get it repaired quickly.”

“They have cameras and listening devices here?”

“Miss Chitty, Mr. Green has cameras and speakers EVERYWHERE!  Don’t think for a minute that there isn’t a place in this complex, or headquarters, or the pool area or anywhere that he can’t see and hear.  I know he does it for our protection, but there are times that it is a bit inconvenient.  Plus, I’m really not sure even this high tech device will work, not on him, but I know it will work on anyone else’s devices.  But, we don’t have much time.  As soon as that light turns red, our conversation is over and if I have to explain why I gave away secrets to my partner to Mr. Green, then I will do that, but you’re right.  As my partner you deserve to know the truth.  And the truth is that no, I’m not that stupid.  But it is a VERY good front and façade for people to think that I am.  I’m actually….”

The device on the table gives a beep, the light turns red and smoke begins to pour from it.  Impish grabs it and quickly deposits it in the old oil disposal pit.  It sputters and sinks out of sight.  As he stands up, he hears a click from the door and he says, “There, that’s got that bit of dirt on your rear fender that I saw.  You’re all pretty and shiny again, Chitty Babe.”

As a man walks in with a tool belt and tool box Chitty replies, “Don’t call me Babe.” But there’s no real sternness to her voice at all.

The man who walked in says, “Hi Miss Bang.  I’m Gerald from IT and I’m here to do that update on your computer systems.  I’m sure you got the email about it.  I’ll try to stay out of the way and be as unobtrusive as possible.  Please don’t let me interrupt.”

Neither Impish nor Chitty say anything about “Gerald from IT” coming in through a locked door.

“Well, Chitty, Babe.  I hear a pastrami sandwich calling my name.”  Impish puts his hand behind his ear in an exaggerated gesture as if listening.  “Yup, I can hear it now.  ‘Impish, eat me!  Impish, eat me!’  Well, it’s either that or one of the virgins calling to me.  Har! Har! Har!”  The laugh sounds genuine and loud.  “Guess I’ll talk to you later.”  He gives the car a wink and heads out the personnel door.  Getting himself stuck.  He turns his head around and yells, “Hey Jerry!  You!  IT Geek!  Can you come over and give me a push?”

Chitty is left with even more questions than she had before.

Morning folks-

This was more of a late arriving photo than a current situation one. The rivers stream and bayous all have returned to their bank for the moment though several of the larger ones still remain pretty high (with in a foot or two of their banks). The exception being the Brazos River which is 7 feet over flood stage still but even it is slowly receding. Ozone Warnings have now replaced Flood Warnings (which ended Saturday morning at 6 AM) along with Severe Allergan Counts.

Additionally,  Hurricane Season has started for us. The season officially began on June 1, 2015 and will end on November 30, 2015. Even before the season began we’ve had 2 named storms in the Pacific including Blanca who was at one time a Cat 4 and is now just Tropical Storm.

SO… since it’s a full issue wadda ya say… Oh! You’re asking for the reason for disclaimer sign? IT will become self evident once you reach today Parting Shot. I’ve been trying to steer away from them now for a while but I just got to riled up about something and that to blow off a little rant (and blood) pressure.

As I was saying..

 

HEY LOOK! Mrs. Dragon got her own Roseanne style cartoon!

Apps that drain your phone’s battery the most

Auto-boot apps are biggest offenders

NEW YORK (CNNMoney) – Smartphones are getting more powerful, but battery life hasn’t caught up to power all the apps we’re using.

U.S. smartphone users have about 30 apps on their smartphones, on average. But the most used apps — messaging, social media, and streaming entertainment — happen to be the biggest guzzlers of battery power, according to a new study of Android phones from AVG Technologies, an online security company.

Some of the worst offenders are apps that run automatically when a phone boots up, whether you open them or not. The biggest offenders in that category are Facebook, Kik, WhatsApp, Facebook Messenger and RetailMeNot. These apps are constantly running in the background, checking for updates and messages.

For apps that don’t start automatically, Amazon Kindle, Snapchat, LINE, Spotify, Netflix and Amazon Shopping give battery life the biggest beating — but only when you’re actively using them, unlike Facebook, which drains your battery whether you’re using it or not. Surprisingly, the Wal-Mart app is the top battery drainer among U.S. Android users in this category.

AVG’s study looked at mobile games separately because of the huge number of apps in this segment. It found that King’s Candy Crush Soda Saga, Candy Crush Saga, Clash of Clans, Crossy Road and Solitaire were the biggest power-suckers. [From first hand experience I can add a recent game that probably came out after the study called ‘1010’ to this list.- L.L.]

To conserve battery life, AVG offered a few tips: limit push notifications, reduce frequency of refreshes, turn off connectivity (Wi-Fi, Bluetooth, GPS) when not in use, dim brightness, and disable background location tracking. Again from first hand experience, NFC or Near Field Communication, (the thing that allows for ‘beaming files between phones & tablets as well as using you phone to pay for purchases) eats up a phenomenal amount of power, even when not in use, because its always looking to other devices to talk to.  If you’re not using the card wallet function to pay with your phone or constantly beaming things to other phones or tablets, then shut it off. Not only will this save a lot of battery life but it makes your phone more secure against snoopers and hackers.

The study examined data from over one million AVG AntiVirus Android app users worldwide during the first three months of 2015. AVG excluded from its study apps with less than 1 million downloads on Google Play and core system apps.

• Copyright 2015 by CNN NewSource.

I use an App called CM Security which will kill power suckers when you shut off your screen in addition to a host of other handy security functions like scanning for viruses and removing junk files.

Another easy way to get more battery life is to clear all your tabs if your smart phone uses tabbed windows before shutting off your screen. While this doesn’t kill those power suckers spoken about above it does kill any you’ve opened that would otherwise be left running in the background while phone was in your pocket.

THE CHICKEN GUN

The true story of the Chicken Gun. Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control, console, snapped the engineer’s back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow…

The horrified Brits, sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions…

NASA responded with a one-line memo…. “Defrost the chicken”  (unproven likely NOT true story)

Just a little practice run for one of the carving stations for the Independence Day celebration

Sangria Cake

I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised with how easy this was to whip up! Just cream together a lil butter, sugar, and orange zest, throw in a couple eggs, flour, baking powder, and of course WINE, and you are done! Just pour it into your cake pan, and you are well on your way. The food coloring is required to  prevent the batter from being beige despite the 3/4 cup of red wine.  If food coloring isn’t your thing, feel free to leave it out.

The batter will be pretty runny when you’re done, but trust me when I say that’s how it should be! The finished product is a soft, moist, melt-in-your-mouth cake with an orange flavor and a wine aftertaste. Then topped the whole thing with a simple, 5-minute orange zest buttercream. The combination of the rich cake and the sugary, fluffy frosting is a match made in heaven!

Serves: 8 servings

Ingredients

*for the cake*

• 1 stick + 6 tbsp unsalted butter, softened
• 1 cup granulated sugar
• zest of ½ orange
• 2 eggs
• 1½ cups all purpose flour
• 1 tsp baking powder
• ¾ cup sangria wine
• red and purple food coloring, if desired

*for the frosting*

• 4 tbsp unsalted butter, softened
• zest of ½ orange
• 1 cup powdered sugar
• 2-3 tbsp heavy cream
• pinch of salt
• 1 orange, sliced, for garnish

Instructions

1. Preheat the oven to 350F. Butter and flour an 8-inch cake pan, and set aside.
2. In the bowl of a stand mixer, beat the butter, granulated sugar, and orange zest until light and fluffy.
3. Add in the eggs, one at a time, beating well between additions.
4. Add in the flour and baking powder, mixing until just combined.
5. Add in the sangria, and mix until incorporated. If desired, add in a couple of drops of red and purple food coloring to reach your ideal color.
6. Pour the batter in the prepared pan, and bake for 20 minutes, then cover the pan with foil, and bake for 10 minutes longer.
7. When cake is ready, remove from oven and let cool completely before frosting.
8. When ready to frost, beat together the butter, zest, salt, and powdered sugar until creamy.
9. Mixture should be very thick, so add in the heavy cream, a little at a time, until you reach your desired consistency. Spread the frosting on the cake, and top with the orange slices.
10. Serve immediately, and store leftovers in the fridge. Enjoy!

No Bake Strawberry Lemon Cookie Pie

Ingredients

Crust

2 cups graham cracker crumbs
3/4 cup butter, melted

Filling

1 1/2 15.25 oz packages lemon cream cookies (I used lemon Oreos)
1 cup milk
8 oz cool whip
16 oz carton strawberries

Instructions

1. Grease a 9 inch pie pan.
2. Combine graham cracker crumbs and melted butter. Press into the bottom and up the sides of the greased pie pan.
3. Put milk into a small bowl that will allow for dipping the cookies.
4. Dunk cookies, one at a time, and add to the pie pan to make a single layer of cookies on the bottom of the crust. I needed just more than half of one package for the first layer.
5. Add half of the Cool Whip and spread evenly over the cookies.
6. Slice about half of the strawberries and make a single layer of strawberries on top of the Cool Whip.
7. Dunk more cookies, one at a time, and add to the pie pan to make a second layer of cookies on top of the strawberries.
8. Add remaining Cool Whip and spread evenly over the cookies.
9. Slice remaining strawberries and spread on the top of the pie.
10. Add cookie crumbs or graham cracker crumbs on top to finish it off, if desired.
11. Cover and chill for about 8 hours before serving.

No-Bake Banana Split Icebox Cake

Yield: 10 servings

Ingredients

3 cups plain low-fat Greek yogurt
2 1/2 tablespoons agave nectar
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla
1 cup (1/2 pint) heavy cream
4 bananas
2 teaspoons lemon juice
20 whole graham crackers
2 cups fresh pineapple chunks, finely chopped
1 cup sliced strawberries (about 7 medium strawberries)
1/4 cup chopped walnuts
1/4 cup dark chocolate chips
1 1/4 teaspoons coconut oil

Directions

In a large mixing bowl, mix together Greek yogurt, agave nectar and vanilla.
In a separate medium bowl, use a hand mixer to whip heavy cream until stiff peaks form.
Gently fold whipped cream into the yogurt mixture.
Slice bananas and toss with lemon juice to avoid browning.
On a platter or a 9-by-13-inch baking pan, layer 5 graham crackers*, side by side. Spread 1 cup of yogurt mixture evenly over crackers, then layer one-third of the banana slices and pineapple on top. Repeat layers 2 more times. Top last layer of graham crackers (there will be 4 layers of graham crackers) with the remaining yogurt mixture, sliced strawberries and crushed walnuts.
In a small saucepan, melt chocolate chips and coconut oil over low heat. Drizzle over the top of the cake.
Let sit in the refrigerator overnight or for at least 4 hours, or until graham crackers have softened.
*Note: Spread a thin layer of the yogurt mixture on the pan to help keep the first layer of graham crackers in place.
Per serving: Calories 400; Fat 19 g (Saturated 9 g); Cholesterol 35 mg; Sodium 180 mg; Carbohydrate 51 g; Fiber 3 g; Sugars 27 g; Protein 10 g; Vitamin A 8% DV; Vitamin C 50% DV; Calcium 20% DV; Iron 10% DV

 

Washington State and Colorado recently passed two laws:
They legalized gay marriage and legalized marijuana. The fact that gay
marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect
Biblical sense.
Leviticus 20:13 says: “If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.”
Apparently we just hadn’t interpreted it correctly before!

Cancer is No Excuse: Rose McGrath was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia, and started a long, difficult fight against the disease. After lengthy treatment, she’s now recovering. “Even though she’s now done with her treatment you still have a very long recovery process because you’ve basically just put two and a half years of poison into your body,” says Rose’s mother Barbara McGrath. “You’re not recovering overnight.” Despite only attending St. Joseph Middle School in Battle Creek, Mich., for 32 days this year, 12-year-old Rose is on track to pass her core classes. The school, however, sent a letter dismissing her due to attendance and academic performance issues, despite accommodations for her medical problems. “These were extraordinary circumstances,” said a Fr. John Fleckenstein of Battle Creek Area Catholic Schools, “but so many accommodations were made we felt eventually it became a point where we really had to help Rose, by being able to make sure that she was getting the assistance that she needed and to learn.” After a massive public uproar over the dismissal, the school invited Rose back, but Barbara is putting her in public school instead. (MS/WWMT Kalamazoo) …Maybe an English teacher can assist school officials with the meaning of the word “help.”

Extracurricular Activity: North Palm Beach, Fla., police responded to a report of a suspicious vehicle parked behind Mavericks High School, which is for “at-risk” students. When they arrived, Krista Morton, 45, told officers everything was OK, she was “just friends” with the other occupant of the vehicle in the back seat with her, an 18-year-old who she had picked up off the street because she “wanted to get to know him.” But he said no, he was a student at the school — and Morton was his principal. Officers observed that Morton’s shirt was unbuttoned enough that she was “exposing her shoulders and part of her chest,” and they smelled marijuana. Morton allegedly admitted that “marijuana had been smoked” in the car and, when marijuana was found on the seat, both occupants were arrested on drug charges. Morton was released quickly, but the boy was held because he was unable to post bail. (RC/South Florida Sun Sentinel) …Yep, he was at-risk all right.

Shake Your Contraband: “What exactly has been going on” at Serrano Middle School, asked Anita Wilson-Pringle, “because surely these two kids are not the first?” It wasn’t even the first time for her, her daughter told her — having to take off her jacket and shirt, pull off her bra, and shake her breasts for officials at the Highland, Calif., school. She and a friend, ages 13 and 15, had to put on the same display, Wilson-Pringle said; one protested and was allegedly told refusing could get her arrested. One of the officials watching was a man, Wilson-Pringle said. Pot was found in her daughter’s bag, but she denied owning it, and her mother said the bag was left unattended for 40 minutes. The girl got a ticket, a court date, and a way out of the school: her mother, who posted online about the incident and says she’s considering a lawsuit, said her daughter will now be home-schooled to avoid retaliation. A district spokeswoman said, “Our number one priority is to keep students safe and create an environment that is free from weapons and drugs.” (AC/San Bernardino Sun, KTLA Los Angeles) …Why is it so often the people who want to “keep students safe” are the people students need to be kept safe from?

Only if they’re…naaah….too easy

Cat Quotes

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.”- Dave Platt

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.”
– Jeff Valdez

“There is no snooze button for a cat that wants breakfast.”-Anonymous

“Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.” – Anonymous

“In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.” – English proverb

“As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.” – Ellen Perry Berkeley

“One cat just leads to another.” – Ernest Hemingway

“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.” – Mary Bly

“Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.” – Joseph Wood Krutch

“People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.” – Faith Resnick

“I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.” – Hippolyte Taine

“There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.”
– Anonymous

“There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.”
– Albert Schweitzer

“The cat has too much spirit to have no heart.” – Ernest Menaul

“No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me.”
– Anonymous

“Time spent with cats is never wasted.” – Colette

“Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.” – Missy Dizick

“You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats.”
– Colonial American proverb

“Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.”
– Joseph Wood Krutch

“Cats aren’t clean, they’re just covered with cat spit.” – John S. Nichols

“The smallest feline is a masterpiece.” — Leonardo Da Vinci

“Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.” — Anonymous

“Women and cats will do as they please; men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”– Robert A. Heinlein

Gabriel Iglesias – Bank Robbery by Indians

Student sues school for banning sign supporting Second Amendment

By Rick Moran

A student at Blinn College in Texas is suing the school for banning the display of a sign in a public space at the school supporting the Second Amendment.

Nicole Sanders, along with another student, were outside the student center holding signs when they were approached by a school official who said that there had been a complaint that the sign was “offensive.” and that they would need “special permission” in the future to display them. The other sign was simply marked “LOL” with the “O” being the Obama logo.

Fox News:

Sanders claims a college official accompanied by three armed campus police officers approached and said someone had complained that their display was offensive and that they wouldn’t be allowed to do it again unless they got “special permission.” According to Sanders, the official added that it was unlikely such permission would be granted to advocate for gun rights.

“When you have to get a permit before you can speak, it shuts down ideas – everything gets censored through the administrators,” Sanders, who is studying political science, told FoxNews.com. “It’s unconstitutional for a public university to limit speech to one area of campus. I think that college should be a marketplace of ideas.”

There was an option, Sanders says she was told. She and her classmate, Chris Bradford, who is not part of the suit, could display their signs at a “free speech area” off to the side of the campus center, roughly the size of two parking spaces, where few would see her.

You only get so many people there,” Sanders told FoxNews.com.

Her lawsuit, which is being filed in federal court in Austin with the help of the Foundation for Individual Rights in Education (FIRE), also alleges that her ceramics professor, David Peck, tried to intimidate her into not suing the school. The suit alleges that he warned her that he would “protect me and mine” from accusations against Blinn College and that Sanders “better think” before taking further action.

As is usually the case in these matters of free expression on campus, school officials who were caught red handed in egregiously violating the Constitutional rights of a student began to backtrack:

“We certainly will take this opportunity to evaluate our policies as they are written and as they are applied by faculty and staff,” Tilley said. “We will evaluate whether any misunderstandings may have occurred. Because of our commitment to our students and to the law, we are confident that we will be able to resolve any concerns that have been raised.”

Tilley said the school has a policy not to discriminate based on politics, but that it can have reasonable restrictions to ensure order.

“Blinn College is allowed to implement what the courts call “time, place and manner” regulations to ensure that the operations of the college, including classes in session, are not disrupted,” he said.

First Amendment legal experts say Sanders has a strong case if they can show other types of speech were permitted in the same area.

“If they can prove that they were specially denied because they were for gun rights, then it would be unconstitutional viewpoint discrimination,” Eugene Volokh, a law professor at UCLA who specializes in the First Amendment, told FoxNews.com.

He added that it also was unconstitutional in another way.

“On government property, even in an airport outside the security cordon, bans on leafleting and other ‘low footprint’ speech would be unconstitutional,” he said.

Volokh blames the “bureaucratic mindset” of school officials but it goes far beyond that. This is a transparent attempt to control how individuals think, giving freedom to those who express viewpoints that liberals agree with while cracking down on anyone who dissents. The idea that campus officials weren’t aware they were violating the Constitution is absurd. The point is, they didn’t care.

“When you have to get permit before you can speak, it shuts down ideas.”

– Nicole Sanders, Blinn College student

For every Nicole Sanders there are probably a few dozen other students across the country whose First Amendment rights are trampled on regularly by liberal college officials. Only when they’re caught and publicly shamed do these anti-free speech Nazis change their tune.

Just before Memorial Day Impish usurped that story about the kid with the flags in the back of his pick up. One of the points I was going to make about that story was how the principal in his flip flopping around to justify his actions mentioned being concerned about someone possibly being offended by the kids mobile Patriotic display.

I tried to make my point without actually ranting about it when I published the new Preamble to the Constitution listing the Rights that Americans, as well as those living in America, do not have. I’m speaking specifically of  these two Articles:

ARTICLE II:
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone — not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of dummies, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE XI:
You do not have the right to change our country’s history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, sorry if you are uncomfortable with it.

Liberal Educators will take the easy Rodney King way of appeasement out of every situation as opposed to the harder teachable moment when confronted with some non American whining about how they are offended by our displays of Patriotism and Heritage IN OUR OWN DAMMED COUNTRY!

Since these alleged ‘Educators & Administrators’ apparently need an education in the rights of citizen versus Resident &/or Illegal Aliens let me help them to bloody hell out by straightening the whiners out. Pay attention ‘Educators there will be a test.

Hey you whiners Student Visa Vermin, Resident Aliens without the sense of Patriotism to try and change what ever the hell it was that drove you to my country in your and you free loading Illegals with any regard for my country’s sovereignty LISTEN THE HELL UP!

This country belongs to AMERICAN CITIZENS not you bent on turning it into a parody of your third world shitholes which you crawled, swam, boated and slunk away from in the night! Don’t go waving those Naturalization citizenship papers at me all you transplants either! The vast majority totally lied when you took your citizenship oaths.

“I hereby declare, on oath, that I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince, potentate, state, or sovereignty, of whom or which I have heretofore been a subject or citizen; that I will support and defend the Constitution and laws of the United States of America against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I will bear arms on behalf of the United States when required by the law; that I will perform noncombatant service in the Armed Forces of the United States when required by the law; that I will perform work of national importance under civilian direction when required by the law; and that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; so help me God.”

Notice the yellow highlighted text. Every time you protest or complain that a show of Patriotism, our Country’s History or heritage offends you you violate this section of the oath.

Every time you take to the streets protected by our free speech laws and agitate or celebrate the bombing of an American Embassy, the killing of Americans or any other  anti American action you violate the first section of red highlighted text.

Many of you had every intention of doing so prior to becoming citizen regardless of if your are affiliated with any terrorist organization or not, seeking not to actually become and American and meld but to form insular groups of dissention and agitation which is a clear violation of the second section of red highlighted text.

Were this any country other than the United States you would suffer varying degrees on severe punishment for this sort of subversive attitude behavior and repeated activity.

Personally I think its well past time that the US wake up and realize our ‘enlightened laws’ are being used against us by you. We need to realize there is a dammed good reason why on other country has followed our ‘shining example’ with regard to this issues and change our attitudes and laws, patterning them with regard to immigration, obtaining citizenship and comportment of non citizens while within the US on the laws of all the other nations of the world.

As far as educators who side with those who find our pride in being American in America offensive, the the Texas Principal who made American kids who wore Shirts with American Flags on them wear them inside out because the wore them top school on Cinco de Mayo because it was ‘offending’ the Mexican students, the vast majority of whom were anchor babies and refused to speak or learn English while demonstrating clear alliance not to the country they were born in and that was footing the bill for their education and healthcare but to Mexico_ they need to be removed from their jobs pending retraining and recertification, or sent packing with those they sided with over US citizens back to what ever shithole they originated from!

American was founded on the principle of being a melting/melding pot yes but that means you join and melt/meld with us and our culture and you adapt to our values, beliefs and customs not that we adapt and service yours at our expense.

Good Morning Campers,

Well, it’s Friday night and this issue should have been put to bed hours ago, but we got an invitation to some dear friends down the street to be there for the renewal of their wedding vows.  It was very sweet.  Every member of the wedding party had on a different football team jersey.  The Justice of the Peace who officiated, who is licensed to do this in the state of Indiana (or the state of insanity, too) was also in a football jersey. 

They stopped the beer drinking for the length of the service…about 7 minutes.  Babies were gurgling in the front row, people were making comments and lewd suggestions throughout and when asked if he was going to take his bride, he said he wanted to phone a friend and turned to his best man and asked him whether who should or not.  We didn’t hear the response, but he turned around and said “I do” so I assume it was a positive one.

When the bride was asked if she was going to take him, she turned to her 2 brides maids and they moved over to the side and discussed it amongst themselves for a minute or so before coming back and saying “I do”.

All-in-all it was the PERFECT ceremony for these two good friends and we spent the evening laughing and celebrating with them.  It was a very nice evening, but since I have to play the Base Emergency Manager tomorrow for our base’s annual family day picnic, barbeque, 5 k run and water balloon fight, I’m not going to go into too much more detail other than to say…

 

This one got a great laugh out of Mrs. Dragon!

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies Paul, “you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?”
“Yes,” replies Jeff with a laugh.
“Well,” says Paul, straightening up, “I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”
“That’s great!” says Jeff, “When are you going out?”
“I went to meet her this evening,” continues Paul, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show.”
“Sensible” says Jeff.
“So I get to her door,” says Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.”
“And what happened then?”
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
“I kicked her in the face.”

 

We both also agreed how very true this next one is…

 

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?”
The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”
The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”

I’m pretty sure I know both of those old ladies…

 

 

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

 Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.’

 Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’

 Man: ‘What sins?’

 Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’

 Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’

 Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’

 Man: ‘I’m 92 years old. I’m telling everybody!’

I would be too!!!

 

This is me, as a little dragon.  Aren’t I cute?  Didn’t last long, did it?

 

The supervisor was confused about paying a bill, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. “If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” he asked her. The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

 

 

 

You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

 

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Blondes don’t screw in light bulbs.  They screw in Jacuzzis.

 

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.

 

 

Mrs. MM was having tea with the Church ladies and I happened to walk in just when one of them was saying, “My daughter just got pregnant with her sixth child. I don’t know why she gets pregnant so often. It must be something in the air.”

With hindsight, perhaps I should not have suggested, “Her legs?”

 

 

This guy is in hell and Satan asked how it was going.
The man replied, “Not so good. I’m in hell.”
Satan said, “Well, do you like to smoke?”
“Yeah, I used to smoke all the time when I was alive.”
“Well that’s all we do on Monday, just sit around and smoke all day. You don’t have to worry about dying because you are already dead!”
“So do you like to drink? “Satan asked.
“Yeah, I did that every so often.”
“Well that’s all we do on Tuesday is drink all day. You want some Sake, Vodka, anything you want we got.”
“So do you like drugs?”
“Well I did some drugs in my time.”
“Well that’s all we do on Wednesday is do drugs all day. You feel like smoking a bowl anything you want we can get you.”
“So do you like to gamble?”
“Yeah my wife use to yell at me for it all the time.”
“Well that’s all we do on Thursday is gamble any game you want we have!”
“So are you gay?”
“Well no!”
“Ooooh, you’re going to hate Fridays!”

 

 

Man, I got nothing for this one.  Doesn’t really fit for one of our teachers, so yeah….just a fantasy picture.

 

What not to say to your boy or girl friend’s parents when you meet for the first time… a top ten list.

10. Gee, Pops, you’re not nearly as big an asshole as your daughter said you are.
9. Wazzzaaaaap!
8. The water in your toilet tastes funny.
7. You got a spoon and a lighter I can borrow? I left mine at home.
6. No… No… It’s OK. I kinda like it when your dog humps my leg.
5. Your daughter is attractive, but have you seen the tits on her friend Joanne?
4. Hi, Mr. Jones. I’m Bob. This is Chuck, George, Steve and the midget is Sam. Is Sally ready?
3. (While honking horn in driveway) Hey! I’m waiting out here! Send the bitch out!
2. You should be proud, Mr. And Mrs. Smith, you’ve raised a good girl. I can’t get her to blow me no matter what I say.
And the number 1 thing not to say when you meet your boy or girlfriend’s parents for the first time:
1. Man, living under the same roof with a piece of ass like that, I bet you wish you were anyone else but her father.

 

 

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man will have sex only two or three times a year. This is upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.

 

 

 

 

Q: Hear about the bargain hunter who got his vasectomy at Sears?
A: Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also how it feels to disagree with Lethal Leprechaun on matters of cooking, computers, guns, well… just about anything.

Life’s Lessons

#1….
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself…
Moral: In life no one helps you, once you’re fucked.

#2….
Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

#3….
What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction?
What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!

#4….
3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you ‘HANDSOME’, don’t take it as a compliment!

#5….
Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.

#6….
Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife’s panties wet, not her eyes.
A wife is supposed to make her husband’s dick hard, not his life…….

 

 

 

I want to thank Lethal Leprechaun for this installment of Impish’s Adventures.  This has been another crazy week for me and it’s only going to get worse.  So he did me a huge solid by letting his muse run wild and you all get to enjoy the results.

 

OK take your seats please. Once again I have a couple housekeeping issues before we get rolling.

1. I’d like to thank all those who wrote to me privately as well as those who commented on my Special Posting post epic 40 hours of rain over the Memorial Day weekend. So much rain has fallen this May on flood-ravaged Texas that it could cover the entire state with 8 inches of water, meteorologists say. We received more on Saturday Night, probably another 1.5 to 3 inches at a time when every drop of rain these days is a drop too many in much of Texas, 22 people have died and President Barack Obama has declared a major disaster.
2. A special shout out to my pal ‘Roswell the Gazoo’, or as you folks probably know him ‘Little Green Dude’.  I first met Roswell when I was the silent money behind a movie in which he was a stunt pilot called ‘Batteries Not Included. He stopped by to warn me of a possible Space Balls Invasion but after seeing our Congress and President realized it was too late so he hung around to help me prank test Impish on how he’d handle totally uncovered by the manual situations.
3. Speaking of Impish it appears that his nemesis the Phantom Bus Driving Assassin has reappeared/awakened. Please be extra vigilant when crossing roadways in the area and while hanging around Impish for your own safety’s sake.
4. There is a pretty important Leprechaun Tech Talk feature today dealing with the implementation of new a Credit/Debit Card standard and cards. Since the deadline for its implementation is October 2015 and it’s already June you’re going to be seeing the changes and new cards pretty soon so you’ll want to read up on it.

So much for the housekeeping shall we get right to it then?

For the record this is the only kind of Pot you’ll ever see me get behind or endorse using other than a cooking pot.

 

Some of you won’t get this joke because it’s a Game of Thrones reference.

Impish has discovered my newswire services connections which I use aid me in keeping track of global developments.  Yesterday he came waddling into my office at high jiggle barging right through my closed door to show me this:

A fact you won’t soon forget…
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston  recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian  Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief,  confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.  The cause of death appeared to  be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws.
By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while  only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

He very quickly concluded the cause:
When crows eat road kill, they always have a  look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one  could shout “Truck.”

I finally got rid of him by mentioning that since the newsfeeds also included the British tabloid ‘The Sun’ that meant we had access to all those Page 3 girl photo they now posted on their separate site ‘Page 3’. I have to say the speed with which Impish left my office so I might get back to work was impressive. I didn’t think he was capable of moving that fast unless power boosted by the adrenaline boost that only comes from being chased by bullets.

A short while later I went to his office door to find out why I had not yet seen the after-action report for his encounter with Roswell the Gazoo, only to find this hanging on the door:

Spare the bus and apparently the Dragon gets spoiled!

50 Shades of Grey for Seniors   

Back and forth . . . .   
Back and forth . . . . 
In and out . . . .    
In and out . . . .    
A little to the right . . . .   
A little to the left . . . .    
She could feel the sweat on her forehead    . . . ..    
Between her breasts . . . .    
And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .    
She was getting near to the end.    
He was in ecstasy . . . .    
With a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . .  
Forwards then backwards. . . .
Forward then backward. . . . 
Again . . . .    
And again . . . .    
Her heart was pounding now . . . .    
Her face was flushed . . . .   
She moaned . . . .    
Softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .    
Finally . . . .    
Totally exhausted . . . .    
She let out a piercing scream . . . .    
“OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can’t parallel park. You do it!” 

Geeze Paul! I thought I said don’t stand too close to Impish the Bus driving maniac  was back?!

 

Heads Up, Americans: Here’s How Credit Cards Are Changing in 2015

Credit cards are nothing new in the United States or elsewhere in the world (there’s even a format to the numbers!), but this year, a big change is coming to the plastic payment form that will make its transactions more secure.

Curiously, the USA is behind Europe and other countries that have already adopted the new credit card standard. Before you start seeing new terminals deployed in stores and get a weird new card sent to your house, let us explain what’s changing.

What’s Wrong with my Current Card?

As they are now, US credit cards have a magnetic strip that contains all the info about them, such as expiration date and card number. When you swipe one at a retailer, all that info is transferred to them so they can authenticate your purchase. When you shop online, you obviously can’t physically swipe your card, so you enter the card number, expiry date, and the secure code so you can be charged correctly.

This is all well and good, but insecure. In December of 2013, retailer Target suffered a massive breach that included some 40 million credit cards’ information leaked. Anyone that had swiped their card at Target transferred their information to the company’s database, and when the hackers broke in they had all they needed to start fraudulently using the cards wherever they wanted.

 

The bottom line: currently, the magnetic stripe on your credit card allows its static information to be duplicated. If someone gets a hold of all your card’s information, it’s essentially as good as having the card itself.

What do the New Cards Do?

Enter the new standard: EMV cards. Standing for Europay, MasterCard, and Visa (Discover and American Express are also on board), these new cards include a small chip that works with new payment terminals. Instead of swiping your card to pay, EMV cards require you to place them in a new slot, which is called “dipping.” Touchless payment is also possible with these cards, similar to Apple Pay and Google Wallet with your smartphone, but to simplify the rollout this won’t be supported at first in the USA.

You leave the card in the reader during the entire transaction, and it creates a unique ID for that sale instead of handing over the unchanging info of your card. Even if a thief were to steal this transaction information, it would be basically useless to them because they can’t use it to charge the card elsewhere.

How Will This Affect Me?

This new technology will affect both debit and credit cards. Most reputable providers already have a no-liability policy which guarantees that you as the user aren’t responsible for charges placed by a swindler, but the EMV standard changes the rules a bit.

October 1, 2015 is the deadline for businesses to start accepting the new chip cards and for providers to give them out to their customers. If a business chooses not to upgrade to the new readers and your credit card information is stolen at that store, for example, the business is responsible, not the card company. You won’t experience any changes in liability from the migration, but payment will be a little different.

New readers have a slot to accept EMV cards like the picture above. To make the movement more fluid, the first wave of chip cards will still have a magnetic stripe than can be used just like before. However, if you have a chip card and try to swipe it like you did in the past, it won’t accept this; you’ll need to “dip” it. The magnetic stripe is only included to allow you to interact with legacy readers that haven’t upgraded yet, where it will function in the same way it used to.

The authentication standard will be a bit different in the US than it is elsewhere. Chip and PIN, used abroad, is a method that requires a PIN at payment time for each different credit card. To avoid forcing people to remember yet another password for their credit cards, the US will be starting with the Chip and Signature method, more reminiscent of the current method. This less-secure protocol simply uses your signature to authenticate purchases, which isn’t great because many retailers don’t even bother to check if the signature on the card matches the one you give them.

Will It Help Much?

Though this new standard will help prevent credit card fraud, it isn’t perfect. The physical cards will still have expiration dates, numbers, and security codes on their backs, so online credit card fraud won’t be defeated. A thief could also forge your signature with your physical card to make unauthorized purchases, or find an old terminal that haven’t adopted the new standard. However, when it comes to finances any bit of protection is a step in the right direction, so these cards will definitely help somewhat.

What do I Need to Do?

Realize that there won’t be a country-wide change on October 1. Card-issuing companies are trying to get EMV cards to customers before that date so that they aren’t liable after the deadline hits. You’ll likely receive an email, letter, or notice on your bank or credit card company’s website about the new standard, and how they plan to roll it out. Most will probably go by current card expiration date, so it may be a bit before you see your shiny new card arrive.

If you’re interested in getting a new card right away, contact your company by phone, email, or even Twitter and ask what can be done. Keeping on top of your finances is essential, as we’ve been writing about recently, and these cards are just one more way to protect yourself.

Chip cards won’t be a revolutionary change, but they are an important one. Now you know all about them and what to expect as they begin appearing in the wild.

 

Despite the weather, ‘tis the season for Graduation Parties here in Texas and we’re sneaking them in when and where we can. Molly and I attended one this weekend where I was handed this plate and instructed not to disappoint. I can say I didn’t, though I might not have done total justice to the corn (gave it to Molly as Corn on the Cob is her  favorite veg.) or the loaded baked potato. Don’t worry I ate all the fresh string beans (behind the corn & under the crab legs as well as the mushrooms.

Buffalo Chicken Sub

Great take along tailgate, beach or Little League supper!

 

Total Time: 25 min
Prep: 15 min
Cook: 10 min
Yield: One 36-inch sandwich
Level: Easy

 

 

Ingredients

1 tablespoon vegetable oil
2 pounds boneless, skinless chicken thighs
Salt and ground black pepper
1 tablespoon dark brown sugar
2 teaspoons paprika
1/4 teaspoon cayenne
1 cup your favorite wing sauce, such as Frank’s RedHot
2 medium carrots, diced
2 celery ribs, diced
2 tomatoes, seeded and diced
One 36-inch fresh French loaf
1 cup blue cheese crumbles

Homemade Ranch Dressing:

1 1/2 cups mayonnaise
1/2 cup buttermilk
1 teaspoon granulated garlic
1/2 teaspoon fresh dill, minced
1/2 teaspoon honey or agave syrup
1/3 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon Dijon mustard
1/8 teaspoon ground black pepper

 

Directions

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F.
Heat a 12-inch skillet over medium-high heat. Add the vegetable oil. Sprinkle both sides of the chicken with some salt and pepper, the brown sugar, paprika and cayenne. Sear both sides of the chicken in the skillet until golden, about 4 minutes. Add in the wing sauce, bring to a simmer and finish off in the oven until the chicken registers 160 degrees F on an instant-read thermometer. Let cool, and then pull the meat with your hands. Adjust the seasoning if necessary and place back in the oven at BROIL until crusty and caramelized on top, about 4 minutes.
In a bowl, the combine carrots, celery and tomatoes, and season with salt and pepper. Mix until combined.
Cut the French loaf horizontally. Place an even layer of blue cheese crumbles on the bottom, then the chicken and then the veggies. Serve with a side of Homemade Ranch Dressing.

Homemade Ranch Dressing:

Mix the mayonnaise, buttermilk, garlic, dill, honey, salt, mustard and pepper in a bowl. Store in an airtight container.

Grapefruit Margarita

 

Total Time: 5 min
Prep: 5 min
Yield: 1 drink
Level: Easy

 

 

 

Ingredients

Margarita salt or kosher salt, for rimming glass
Ground chipotle powder, for rimming glass
1 small lime wedge
2 ounces tequila, preferably anejo
1 ounce grapefruit juice
3/4 ounce orange liqueur, such as Cointreau
Grapefruit twist, for garnish
Lime twist, for garnish

Directions

Mix some salt and chipotle powder together on a plate. Cut a slit in the lime wedge and run it around the rim of a rocks glass and dip the rim in the salt mixture. Fill the glass with ice.
Fill a cocktail shaker with ice and add the tequila, grapefruit juice and orange liqueur. Vigorously shake until very cold and strain the drink into the rimmed rocks glass. The margarita can also be served up in a chilled coupe glass. Garnish with grapefruit and lime twists.

Lemon Blueberry Cheesecake Bars

 

Total Time: 4 hr
Prep: 25 min
Inactive: 3 hr
Cook: 35 min
Yield: 10 bars
Level: Easy

 

 

Ingredients

For the base:

Butter, for greasing
2 tablespoons sugar
1/8 teaspoon ground cinnamon
9 graham crackers
1/2 stick unsalted butter, melted

For the filling:

16 ounces cream cheese, room temperature
2 eggs
2 lemons, zested and juiced
About 1/2 cup sugar, eyeball it
1 1/2 cups fresh blueberries
Powdered sugar, for dusting

Directions

For the base:

Preheat oven to 325 degrees F.
Grease the bottom of a 9 by 9-inch baking pan with butter. Then place parchment paper over the top, pressing down at the corners. In a food processor, process the sugar, cinnamon and graham crackers until you have the texture of bread crumbs. Add the melted butter and pulse a couple of times to fully incorporate. Pour into the lined baking pan and gently pat down with the base of a glass. Bake in the oven for 12 minutes until golden. When done set aside to cool.

For the filling:

Add cream cheese, eggs, lemon zest, lemon juice and sugar to the food processor and mix until well combined. It should have a smooth consistency. Pour onto the cooled base and then cover with blueberries. They will sink slightly but should still be half exposed — as the cake bakes they will sink a little more and break down.
Bake in the oven for 35 minutes or until the center only slightly jiggles. Remove from the oven and cool completely before refrigerating for at least 3 hours. Once set, remove from pan using the parchment lining and slice into 10 rectangular bars. Dust with powdered sugar.

 

 

Ninja Kitty Clan Mistress SC teaching an advanced class in concealment and blending into the background in open areas.

Feckless feds slap Times Square’s billboards

The government’s next mission: Ruining Times Square.  Obama Administration: Times Square’s Iconic Billboards Must Be Removed Or Else

Feds To Enforce 1965 Highway Beautification Act, Could Deny NYC $90 Million In Funding.

NEW YORK (CBSNewYork) — You can call it a bureaucratic blunder … or a Washington blooper.

But any way you slice it a move by the federal government to make the city remove Times Square’s iconic billboards falls in the category of “whose bright idea is this?”

You don’t have to live or work in New York City to have an opinion about Times Square. That space in Manhattan between 47th and 42nd streets where Broadway intersects 7th Avenue has been the subject of scorn and mockery, of praise and wonderment, for well over a century. Times Square has been scoffed at by New Yorkers following Rudy Giuliani’s reforms as a plastic, Disney-fied tourist trap. Even if they avoid it for the swarming pedestrians, New Yorkers would also candidly concede that they’re happy to no longer have to avoid it out of concern for bodily safety.

It is known as the “Crossroads of the World,” the “Center of the Universe” and “the Great White Way,” but if the federal government has its way, Times Square could become like the “Black Hole of Calcutta” more closely resembling Red Square in the coming years.  The feds say many of Times Square’s huge and neon-lit billboards must come down or the city will lose about $90 million in federal highway money.

Supposedly, a 2012 law put the crossroads of the world under the restrictions of the 1965 Highway Beautification Act — which limits signs to 1,200 square feet. Now Washington is pushing the city Department of Transportation to comply. “The feds say many of Times Square’s huge and neon-lit billboards must come down or the city will lose about $90 million in federal highway money,” CBS 2 reported. Reporter Marcia Kramer indicated that not even the federal government was aware that the act covered Times Square until recently.

The story inspired eye-rolling on the part of New York City residents who thought the idea that the federal government would dare remove the very features of Times Square that make it recognizable was a perfect waste of time and taxpayer dollars. Apparently, the city intends to fight this order.

“I love the signs. I think they’re just fantastic and they’re a part of New York. It would be really, really bad for New York if they were down,” Midtown resident Fran Weisfeld said.

New York residents and tourists alike say highway beautification shouldn’t apply to Times Square, where the innovative, in-your-face billboards personify New York City, itself.

City Transportation Commissioner Polly Trottenberg agrees.

“The signs in Times Square are wonderful. They’re iconic. They’re not only a global tourist attraction, they’re important to the economy,” Trottenberg said.

She said she’s not going to let it happen.

Earth to Uncle Sam: Don’t be a jerk.

In-your-face billboards have marked Times Square for decades; modern technology has only added fresh marvels. The tourists love it, and so do the locals. “Highway beautification” doesn’t apply.

Here’s a use for President Obama’s phone and pen: Call the bureaucrats, sir, and tell them to drop it. If you have to, take out your pen and issue an executive order directing them not to enforce the law in this case. Or how about an Executive Order declaring Times Square exempt from the law?

Aside from being things you’d hear said in New York (probably by a cabbie or someone from Jersey, you’ll also hear these things uttered everyday M-F starting shortly after 4 PM by my dear Molly on her drive home. I suspect her of having been a New York cabbie in a previous life. Aside from the obvious link here you should hear her Bronx Cheer!

I swear he bothered me just to ask me this!

I’d like to thank Ninja Kitty Clan Mistress SC for reaching out to Cat and obtaining this other side perspective of  Impish’s Diary.

Unfortunately Cat doesn’t seem to have been nearly as articulate the writer as Impish was and we have but this since feature since most of the other pages are with shredded or have been render illegible with hairballs.

Dragon’s Cat by Cat.

*Shaking head* Dragon said through a mouthful of drool. This won’t end well.

Rainy day. Napping. Sent dragon for fishes. Very useful pet, though I wish dragon would stop trying to groom me. Knight-breath is gross.

So I say to the dragon, “You’ve been chasing unicorns again.” D says, “Have not.” I say, “Then why the dried rainbow on your snout?” D says, “…”

Purple sparklys and woozy? Sigh. Lie down, and next time try to remember that inhaling is an important part of talking, ya big dummy.

What makes a noise like 6 armored knights on a giant hamster wheel? A snoring dragon on a metallic hoard. Dragon + nap + sparklys = OMG!

Dragon brought home a knight’s horse and is now using fire breath to melt gold into a horn mold he dug in the cave floor and mumbling about presentation. Sigh.

Package arrived today—ACME fairy unicorn princess dress, size extra small. Wrapped it in bacon and let dragon ated it. Heh.

Am seeing a world of possibilities in Dragon becoming a local politician. Eat the right folk and we can rule the forest! Bwa-ha-ha! Steel claws in a velvet paw anyone?

Teaching dragon benefits of napping. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

My pet dragon just bought a leather biker jacket. Soooo cute. Am thinking of using it to make a couch.

Thinking I need a better pet. There I am having a little quiet me time in the litterbox when my big stupid lizard sneezes fire everywhere. It sounded like a flock of exploding geese. Still fluffy. Stupid lizard.

Twas the night before catmas and all through the wood

My pet dragon was a-stalking and up to no good

Hunting that stupid old unicorn and plotting its end

He had him a plan did my big lizard friend…

But the pointy-face horse is a wily old beast

And dragon is headed for famine not feast

Sneaky and snooty, with skin like thick leather

It sparkles so white, and hides in the weather

I’d just settled my bones for a long winter’s nap

still very much missing one silly dragon’s lap

When out in the woods there arose such a clatter

That I nearly rose to see what was the matter

Got my pet dragon a mirror, so next time the bloody great lizard wants to complain about Cthulhumas with the relatives, it can talk to someone who cares.

I’ll Update When I’m Damned Good And Ready!

Dragon’s Cat by Kelly McCullough

Good Morning Campers,

I hope that everyone has recovered from their partying last weekend.  I know that Lethal kicked the stragglers out on Wednesday, but don’t take it so hard.  It was all for the best.  We can’t be responsible for you missing work.  You need to get back out there and earn that money…for taxes for the government, for the wickedly lazy who won’t go to work themselves and rely heavily on you to put drugs food on their tables and big screen TVs basic necessities in their homes.

One of the things that annoyed me to no end (speaking of people who get things for free), when I was working as a dispatcher for the State Police (one of the best jobs I ever had on a job satisfaction scale), it didn’t pay enough for me to make ends meet and keep my family really in the basic necessities.  I worked pretty much full-time hours at the county jail to make enough to make ends meet.

Well, at that time we were cut down on everything at home and had very basic cable only because we couldn’t get ANY TV channels otherwise (believe me, I tried) and I would go in the jail and the offenders had better cable than I did!  Yes, it chapped my ass that I was paying for them to have a better TV experience than I was getting.

Just one of the many inequities in our society.

I have to pay (a lot!) for my and my family’s cell phones and yet the government is taking my money and using it to pay for cell phones for people who won’t work.

Folks, election time is coming up.  I know it’s not real close, but it’s getting here and the people who want you to vote for them are giving you their speeches and their promises right now.  So right now is the time for you to be looking very carefully and doing what you can to get someone on the ballot and elected who will take this country in the direction in which it needs to go to save it.

Don’t waste your precious vote on the next fad president or stay at home and think it doesn’t matter if you vote or not.  It’s important.

Now, I think it’s time to get on with the laughter before I get too high up on this soap box.

Well, I got six of them wrong, but I was really thrown on the coconut one!

 

That one really deserves a groaner tag, but I’ll let it go.

 

When I read this next one to Mrs. Dragon, her only response was, “Damn Straight!”

 

Egyptians are smarter than Americans.  Watch this video and follow along with the translation.  Amazing.  And still so many people think this man is the answer to all our problems.  Well, this dragon thinks this man is all of our problems and the answer is to get his ass out of office and keep that lying bitch Hillary out, as well.

 

This one is just plain pretty.  Kinda like the velvet Elvis oil paintings, but better…lots and lots better.

Two police officers responded to a domestic disturbance with gunshots fired.

 

WHY DO THE CHINESE KICK OUR ASSES IN MATHEMATICS?

STUDY THE FIRST PHOTO VERY CAREFULLY.

THEN LOOK AT THE SECOND ONE.

IT MAY TAKE AWHILE, BUT EVENTUALLY YOU WILL NOTICE A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CHINESE AND AMERICAN STUDENTS.

 

 

Class Photo: University of Colorado

Any questions?

 

 

There’s a joke here…actually, there are several jokes here…where I could plug in names to the different kinds of sex, but I figure I’d piss off a lot of people, so I’ll just let it go and let it play through my head.  At least that way, I get to laugh.

 

This is George.  Him and his brothers are used as security in our moat.  Where is the moat?  Well, most of you haven’t seen it yet, since it surrounds the new water park area.  George and his brothers are only there to keep unwanted people out.  They don’t bother the people who are allowed in.  They also help the wait staff out with flaming drinks.  Nice guys.  Really!

 

Thanks to Ginny for sharing this next one with us.  Read the write-up first, then I have some additional information at the end.

Yes, indeed, we do have our own scourge to worry about.  And heaven forbid he trip anywhere and sue somebody.

 

“Chitty, Babe, bank left for a second, I just saw a glint out there in the desert.”

CB2 and I had been assigned over flight patrol over our desert hideout by Mr. Green.  He insists it’s not a hideout, but a secret operations center and I insist there isn’t any real difference.  I think our current “duty” is more a matter of us getting out of his hair than a real need for surveillance, what with the 2 gazzillion monitors, cameras, detectors and other nasty surprises he has hidden all over the area.

“You see it?  Right down by the base of that cliff.”

“Yes.  I see the bloody thing.  Prolly one of the green one’s cameras, it is.” CB2 continues in a raised voice, “And STOP calling me Babe!  I’m not your babe, I’m your partner!”

“Oh right.  Sorry.  No babes or other pet names.  I forgot.  It won’t happen again.  No worries, babe…er.. I mean, Chitty.”

With a sharp swoop of the car, I’m now floating in midair.  Well, plummeting towards the ground actually, but the point is, I’m no longer attached to the car.  As I unfurled my wings I reminded myself to buckle the seatbelt from now on.  But, come to think of it, I believe I HAD buckled my seatbelt and I believe I HAD heard a distinct “click” just prior to her dive which left me airborne.  I do believe she unbuckled me on purpose and dumped me out in the atmosphere.  But, before I could ask, we were landing next to the object which was definitely NOT one of Mr. Green’s toys.

The object was silver in color, round and shaped just like a …

“Oh look!  It’s a little bitty flying saucer!”

“Oh bollox on that!  Of course it’s not a bloody …”

Just then, the saucer, a little larger than Chitty’s spare tire…or tyre if you prefer, had a small square, just like a little door, open in the side of the thing.  It slid away to the side and disappeared from view.  Then a tiny
ramp slid down from the opening and came to rest on the desert floor.

“I swear to Tiamat, that if a little green dude comes out and threatens us with an Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator I’m going home and resting my poor head.”

CB2 didn’t reply, which I thought was odd.  She just sat there, not moving, not talking and I began to fear she was broken down or disabled in some manner when she finally lets out the mechanical equivalent of an
ear-splitting scream.

When I looked back down, there he was…a little green dude with a ray gun in his hands, peeking out from beside the door opening, with his fingers in his … ears? Looking distressingly at Chitty, Chitty-Bang, Bang.

He looked over at me, with what could only be described as a pained look on his face and mouthed some words that, not only could I not understand, I could not hear, due to CB2’s mechanical scream.  She was going on for an impressively long time when I bellowed in my loudest dragon voice, “CB2 STAND DOWN!!” And then I blew a stream of fire across her hood to get her attention.

The sudden silence was deafening.

“Chitty, babe, what the hell?!”

“It’s a…, it’s a…, it’s a…”

“Easy girl.  You’re looking for a noun next.  It’s a what?”

“It’s a … ALIEN!”

The little green dude makes a mighty leap (for him, all of about a foot and a half) to the ground, swinging his gun(?) around in a circle and he can distinctly be heard saying, “Where?!  Where’s the Alien?!”

Having considered and rejected the obvious rejoinder, I replied, “She’s talking about you.”

The little green dude lowers his weapon and says, “Me?  Your mechanical transportation device was speaking of me?  But, I’m not an alien.  I know where I was born and that’s where I’m from.  An alien is one from one place who is trying to live or does live in a different place.  If he does it against the law he is an illegal alien, if he does it temporarily, he is a resident alien, if he…”

“Yes, yes.  But, she believes you are a space alien.”

“Oh!  Oh!  I saw that movie!  It was very scary.  I thought Ripley was very brave to…”

“You saw Alien?  The movie?”  Now, I was getting confused, which really wasn’t that big of a surprise, but I should’ve been able to keep up since it was all pretty easy concepts we were dealing with at the moment.

“Yes! Yes!  And Aliens, all the other sequels.  And Event Horizon, which was a very good movie.  Very scary.  Bad aliens…”

And at that point I could see the little light bulb come on in his eyes and I believe he finally got it. “You think I am an ALIEN? Like I have a steam shovel in my mouth to poke through your belly?”  He falls over to the ground and rolls around in the dust in what I assume is laughter, but sounds more like a braying donkey.

He is rolling and kicking his feet and raising a dust cloud around him.  The cloud completely covers him and begins to build in size until it reaches the size of a large beach ball.

Suddenly, the braying stops and slowly the cloud dissipates to reveal…nothing.  The little green dude is gone.

Looking around I quickly spot him back in the door way to what I assume is his ship, leaning casually against the door frame.  His arms crossed across his chest while he twirls his weapon on the finger of one hand.

“How… what….?” I stammer.

“It was getting dusty in there and was hard to breath so I moved.”

“Okay, well…what’s your name, anyway?  I can’t keep calling you ‘little green dude’ in my head.”

“You know my name?!  How do you know my name?”

“What are you talking about?  I just told you that I can’t keep calling you ‘Little green dude’ anymore and…”

“But that’s my name!  Well, in my language it’s the great gaz…er…um… (and here he says something completely unintelligible) but it translates in your words as ‘Little Green Dude’.”

“Okay, LGD.  It’s time for you to come with us.  I’m about as convinced that I’m crazy or I’m dreaming right now, so either way, it probably won’t matter in the long run.”

“Are you going to take me to your leader?”

“Oh.  Um.. yeah, right.  We’re going to take you to Mr. Green.”

“Oh goody!  I’ve always wanted to say that,” he says while clapping his hands and jumping up and down in the air which seems to rock his entire ship.  In a much deeper, mechanical and more menacing voice he says, “TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER.”  And then starts the donkey braying giggling again. “Take me to your …” and he can’t get the whole sentence out before he’s laughing again.

“Okay, jump in the car, let’s go Chitty.”

I walk over and lift the surprising light “flying saucer” and put it securely in the back seat.  I’m sure Mr. Green is going to want to get a good look at that.  Other universe space technology!  Wow!  He’s going to be so impressed with me.

Poor CB2 squeaks out “Alien” but lifts into the sky and brings us to Headquarters. Where Little Green Dude happily goes off with a couple of security personnel and we are left writing an after action report after dropping the “flying saucer” off in one of the labs.  Well, I’m left writing the report.  Chitty, Chitty-Bang, Bang is last seen in her garage where every now and then a soft “Alien” can be heard.

While Impish is writing his report, we spy in on Lethal Leprechaun who is sitting at a round table with a beer and a cigar in front of him.  Standing on the table on the other side of him is Little Green Dude with a much smaller beer and a somewhat smaller cigar.  We hear, “I swear to God Lethal, it was the funniest thing I’ve done in a long, long time.  When I jumped down and said,  ‘Alien?!  Where’s an Alien?!’ I thought I was going to give the whole thing away right there. And I can’t believe how much that dumb
dragon was oohing and aahing over my ‘flying saucer’.  I swear one of the two-by-fours holding up the floor fell off into the sand when he picked it up!”

They both lift their glasses, clink them together with a “Cheers” and drink up as they fade from our view.

 

 

 

 

 

I’m thinking someone either wants to really go out or is really hungry, but either way, “It’s time to get up!!”

Poor guys!  I think daylight savings time sucks, too!

 

I see that other black dog.  Do you see the other dog?  It’s flat on the ground!

 

We don’t allow Baileigh to beg for food…so instead she lays on the ground by your feet and looks pitiful.

 

Yup, from a sound sleep.  It’s truly amazing.

 

 

 

 

 

Me neither…

 

Ooh!  Crunchy knights…and squires, too! 

 

Shouldn’t there be a puddle, then?  Hmm…there’s a “frigid” joke in there that I’m definitely going to let go.

 

A nerd?  Just because of the glasses?  But, yeah.  Okay.

 

 

 

The next thing you hear is the sound of an open palm striking a child’s cheek.

 

Yeah, that would be me playing golf.

 

Yeah, that would be all of us here at DL&LL Enterprises.  Coffee comes before (just about) everything.

 

 

 

How about a fast set of:

 

 

Today’s Last Word is a selection of great quotes sent to us by Ginny and used here because they are quite good and I’m quite busy and running out of time for this issue.  Thanks for dragon my ass out of the fire, Ginny…

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,’Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’ – Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) <><>  I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’ – Eleanor Roosevelt