Good Morning Campers,
Well, it’s Friday night and this issue should have been put to bed hours ago, but we got an invitation to some dear friends down the street to be there for the renewal of their wedding vows. It was very sweet. Every member of the wedding party had on a different football team jersey. The Justice of the Peace who officiated, who is licensed to do this in the state of Indiana (or the state of insanity, too) was also in a football jersey.
They stopped the beer drinking for the length of the service…about 7 minutes. Babies were gurgling in the front row, people were making comments and lewd suggestions throughout and when asked if he was going to take his bride, he said he wanted to phone a friend and turned to his best man and asked him whether who should or not. We didn’t hear the response, but he turned around and said “I do” so I assume it was a positive one.
When the bride was asked if she was going to take him, she turned to her 2 brides maids and they moved over to the side and discussed it amongst themselves for a minute or so before coming back and saying “I do”.
All-in-all it was the PERFECT ceremony for these two good friends and we spent the evening laughing and celebrating with them. It was a very nice evening, but since I have to play the Base Emergency Manager tomorrow for our base’s annual family day picnic, barbeque, 5 k run and water balloon fight, I’m not going to go into too much more detail other than to say…
This one got a great laugh out of Mrs. Dragon!
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies Paul, “you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?”
“Yes,” replies Jeff with a laugh.
“Well,” says Paul, straightening up, “I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”
“That’s great!” says Jeff, “When are you going out?”
“I went to meet her this evening,” continues Paul, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show.”
“Sensible” says Jeff.
“So I get to her door,” says Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.”
“And what happened then?”
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
“I kicked her in the face.”
We both also agreed how very true this next one is…
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?”
The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”
The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”
I’m pretty sure I know both of those old ladies…
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.’
Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’
Man: ‘What sins?’
Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’
Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’
Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’
Man: ‘I’m 92 years old. I’m telling everybody!’
I would be too!!!
This is me, as a little dragon. Aren’t I cute? Didn’t last long, did it?
The supervisor was confused about paying a bill, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. “If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” he asked her. The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Blondes don’t screw in light bulbs. They screw in Jacuzzis.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
Mrs. MM was having tea with the Church ladies and I happened to walk in just when one of them was saying, “My daughter just got pregnant with her sixth child. I don’t know why she gets pregnant so often. It must be something in the air.”
With hindsight, perhaps I should not have suggested, “Her legs?”
This guy is in hell and Satan asked how it was going.
The man replied, “Not so good. I’m in hell.”
Satan said, “Well, do you like to smoke?”
“Yeah, I used to smoke all the time when I was alive.”
“Well that’s all we do on Monday, just sit around and smoke all day. You don’t have to worry about dying because you are already dead!”
“So do you like to drink? “Satan asked.
“Yeah, I did that every so often.”
“Well that’s all we do on Tuesday is drink all day. You want some Sake, Vodka, anything you want we got.”
“So do you like drugs?”
“Well I did some drugs in my time.”
“Well that’s all we do on Wednesday is do drugs all day. You feel like smoking a bowl anything you want we can get you.”
“So do you like to gamble?”
“Yeah my wife use to yell at me for it all the time.”
“Well that’s all we do on Thursday is gamble any game you want we have!”
“So are you gay?”
“Ooooh, you’re going to hate Fridays!”
Man, I got nothing for this one. Doesn’t really fit for one of our teachers, so yeah….just a fantasy picture.
What not to say to your boy or girl friend’s parents when you meet for the first time… a top ten list.
10. Gee, Pops, you’re not nearly as big an asshole as your daughter said you are.
8. The water in your toilet tastes funny.
7. You got a spoon and a lighter I can borrow? I left mine at home.
6. No… No… It’s OK. I kinda like it when your dog humps my leg.
5. Your daughter is attractive, but have you seen the tits on her friend Joanne?
4. Hi, Mr. Jones. I’m Bob. This is Chuck, George, Steve and the midget is Sam. Is Sally ready?
3. (While honking horn in driveway) Hey! I’m waiting out here! Send the bitch out!
2. You should be proud, Mr. And Mrs. Smith, you’ve raised a good girl. I can’t get her to blow me no matter what I say.
And the number 1 thing not to say when you meet your boy or girlfriend’s parents for the first time:
1. Man, living under the same roof with a piece of ass like that, I bet you wish you were anyone else but her father.
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man will have sex only two or three times a year. This is upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.
Q: Hear about the bargain hunter who got his vasectomy at Sears?
A: Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.
Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking.
Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer. ”
Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at7 PM, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what’s there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.
Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times! ”
Dorothy: “Goodness gracious!… so you are telling me I shouldn’t go? ”
Edna: “No, no, no… I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:
“You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says:
“Yes …. How did you figure that out?”
“Easy..” she replies, “you keep washing your hands.”
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it’s over the girl says: “You must be a good dentist.”
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
“Sure – I’m a good dentist. How did you figure that out?”
The girl replies:….
“Didn’t feel a thing.“
Also how it feels to disagree with Lethal Leprechaun on matters of cooking, computers, guns, well… just about anything.
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself…
Moral: In life no one helps you, once you’re fucked.
Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction?
What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!
3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you ‘HANDSOME’, don’t take it as a compliment!
Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.
Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife’s panties wet, not her eyes.
A wife is supposed to make her husband’s dick hard, not his life…….
I want to thank Lethal Leprechaun for this installment of Impish’s Adventures. This has been another crazy week for me and it’s only going to get worse. So he did me a huge solid by letting his muse run wild and you all get to enjoy the results.
<Inside D.R.A.G.O.N Lair HQ at the command console in front of the Jumbo Jumbotron>
Buzz.. “Excuse me Mr. Green but Mr. Blue is in the entry tunnel flaming his head off and rattling the portcullis.”
“Any idea what his malfunction of the moment is?”
“Well technically sir,.. I believe you are. Something about your having wandered well away from your senses into the .. and I’m quoting here sir..”land of the nucking futz green gonzo guys”.”
“AH! He probably receive my comments on his after action report from last week regarding his encounter with Roswell and as expected didn’t take them well. See that the high speed cannons are loaded with Dragon gas tranquilizers grenades and the tri-barrel machine guns are loaded with some of those Icer rounds we..uhhh…borrowed for research purposes from S.H.I.E.L.D. Then give him the walk into to the light spiel.”
“Yes sir right away..by the way sir, S.H.I.E.L.D seems quite..agitated about our ..souvenirs and wants then back.”
“Oh puleaze! You tell them to quit their whining or I’m going to tell U.N.C.L.E. where and how their sleep bullets the Icer rounds are based off went rogue before shield started. That will greatly irritate Napoleon Solo and I’d give 5 to 1 odds on Solo kicking Phil ‘The One Armed Man’ Coulson’s ass.” Jumbotron goes dark and the Command Console swings around to face the cavern’s entrance from which a quickly approaching light can be heard along with an ever growing louder angry muttering.>
“Mr. Green! Has your hat shrunk and strangled your brain? LISTEN TO ME you insane shoe elf! There is no way in Cthugha (the Cathulu version of hell more or less..probably less) I’m filing this report as you ‘amended’ it and saying on any official document that I met interacted with and then transported to my leader an Alien and it’s/his space craft…especially since the craft was a complete hoax! You want me back in the Hokey Pokey Clinic trying to pee in to corner of the round rubber room you’d better have a way better plan than this cause homey don’t play dis game!” <flings papers at Mr. Green>
Mr. Green stares at Mr. Blue until the silent pause becomes uncomfortable and Mr. Blue begins to fidget. “Ah..uh..that is..err..I guess the whole shoe elf thing was a little over the top and uncalled for? It’s just that uh…the manual doesn’t really cover reporting this sort of thing and I know that the Government is pressing you for an official report and I could lose my pilots license if I claim I saw little green men from outer space.”
“Actually Mr. Blue our official report to Big Nosey Brother was filed 3 days ago.. “
<hopping from rear foot to rear foot agitatedly swing tail about wildly> “WHAT! NOW how am I supposed to fly??!! OMG! I flew to get here! They’ll shoot me down on the way back for sure now!.”
“.. as I was saying, it was filed from your original quite carefully worded and appropriately vague, evasive and exceptionally well prepared report.” bonelessness blue dragon on the floor>
“Then..then..what uhh..” strune all over the floor in front of him>
“You’ll probably want to pick those up fairly quickly before the giant Roomba bots arrive suck them up and shred them at which point you’ll have to start all over again Mr. Blue.”
“I..uhh..that is err.. “ Roombas away with his tail> “I don’t understand. Was this another test? “
“Nope. This was not a test. Tests and training evolutions for you are proving exceedingly expensive. So we’re having to be pretty selective and picky about the where, when and hows of them for you until we get a bigger budget. You see, we may be required to feed the Government the usual fare of red tape wrapped officially and innocuously phrase bullshit that it seems to thrive and function on, but we don’t have to accept that here. Indeed if we do we’ll be useless as … a liberal’s logic. This version scattered about you is your rough draft of the version for our official files, also know as the literal no shitter, full disclosure, warts and all version.”
“You mean that green pipsqueak was a real not from this planet alien?!”
“More accurate would be to say he’s not even from our solar system. Did you really think that with all the variations of mundane & mythical life on this planet alone that what ever you want to say created the multiverse shot its entire wad on just this planet? Seriously? Actually the Galaxy is quite an urban place, most other species just prefer to avoid all the inherent insanity that comes with dealing with this planet. Though admittedly a few species either blend right in or think of this planet as a 24/7 revolving comedy club. I must admit that many a day I’m hard pressed not to agree with that latter point of view.”
“So what we’re talking the whole Men In Black thing is legit? What was the movie then? Disinformation? You telling me Rodman really is an alien? There are giant cosmic cockroaches of murderous destruction?”
“Well no not exactly…yes and oh hells no.”
The look on Mr. Blues face would be a perfect photo description to convey the concept of confusion to someone who couldn’t read. “Uhh..howzdat again?”
“The writers of the MIB movies accidentally got a few things right. No, there is no MIB. Yes there are aliens among us on Earth. Yes Rodman is one of them. No it really isn’t much of a disguise. As far as “giant cosmic cockroaches of murderous destruction” go, not since we nuked the shit out of their secret base on Bikini Atoll multiple times and they pissed us off by shooting at Apollo 13 in retaliation. We responded by covertly launching several dozen large missiles from a friendly alien space craft at their home world filled with nearly 300,000 gallons of concentrated RAID Roach killer.”
So umm… do I know any of these aliens? Have I met any? Ooo! I know! Uncle Martin from My Favorite Martian! He was one right?
“NO! I told you, my cousin Marvin got exiled to Mars, he’s the only one who come to earth from there. The real Martians have been monitoring our radio and TV broadcasts for years starting with War of the Worlds and live in hiding and fear of us based on what they believe are our perceptions and intent for them if we ever meet or find them. Marvin makes quite a lucrative business out of acting as their secret go between and the sole distributor for Mars’ primary export.”
“Terracotta pottery made from the red sands of Mars?”
“No, MARS bars dummy!”
“Oh man! You mean every time I eat a box of MARS bars I’m eating something from…”
Now Mr. Ed the talking horse? Alien. He was the Equinian ambassador for quite a while. At least that is, until Roy Rodger insulted him when he offered to turn him into the next Trigger for the Roy Rodgers & Dale Evans show.”
Mr. Blue is motionless mouth a gape and eye wide open in shock &/or disbelief. He barely manages a whisper, “Who..who else?”
“Well Lassie and Rin Tin Tin, plus just about every other canine you ever met that seemed either exceptionally intelligent or like it actually understood you when you spoke to it. The whole Frank character in MIB? Frighteningly spot on. HUGE scare that somehow they had been outted when it first came out. that’s what all those stories about guys stealing pets and selling them as lab test animals really was about.
“So what about cats? Some of them would seem to fit the same criteria as dogs. Are they Aliens too? ARE THE NINJA CATS REALLY ALIENS WORKING FOR “YOU?!
“Why ask me? You certainly have ample opportunity to ask them where they came from…if you’re brave enough that is.”
“Uh…I think I’d prefer ignorance and the uncertainty of doubt over illumination and the certainty of dismemberment thanks all the same.”
“Entirely your choice. Now where was I? Ah! Robin Williams? You’ll be glad to know he’s not dead. His depression was primarily due to homesickness so he just went home…to Ork. His real name was actually Mork. Orson his boss does exist. We’re not entirely sure but we suspect that he might have been here before Mork arrived. You’d have known him as Orson Wells”
<interrupting> “So then Elvis- he isn’t dead either? They got that right too, he really just went home? What about John Denver?”
“Nope sorry pal, Elvis? Sadly he really is six feet under feeding worms, now John Denver is a different story. He wasn’t an alien he was a half fae who was going to out all those like him. I’m reliably informed he’s now a permanent fixture on the Unseelie Court where he serves as both fool and minstrel.
Now Pee Wee Herman? We wish he’d go home..and stay there! He just can’t seem to maintain his Paul Reubens cover for very long without acting out. But Patrick Stewart..now there is a stand up alien! Gentleman, all-around good egg, great thespian and always wears his prosthetic when ever there is the slightest chance he might be seen. Plus he’s a real help in riding herd on Ian McKellen who keeps confusing his role in the Harry Potter movies with reality and doing real magic in public”
“You’re telling me Patrick Stewart is an alien? Ok the others I can see, the canine thing I have to admit makes a lot of sense to me and I always wondered why Mr. Ed never appeared with a saddle or was shown being ridden or hooked to a carriage so I’ll buy that one too but Patrick Stewart? Never!”
“Here’s a picture of him from his Resident Really Alien Card” <click! six=”” screens=”” of=”” the=”” <span=”” class=”hiddenSpellError” pre=”the ” data-mce-bogus=”1″>Jumbotron light up>
Ack! Uh..anymore..Trekers aliens?
“Oh hells yes! One of the best kept secrets in Hollywood and Toronto are how many of the SciFy alien portraying actors really are Aliens! Helps keep the costs down by seriously reducing the special effect and make up time and costs! Armin Shimeran? Quark is the real him. Rene Auberjonois? Really a changeling, though his metamorphic
state really wasn’t fit for television so they did that shimmering liquid gold effect to hide it.
“Oh man! You’re really messin with my world here Mr. Green, I don’t know if I can deal with all this! What about the tech from MIB? Is any of that true?”
“We’ll get to that in a second, you never asked about current celebrities.”
“Yup. The Kardashians? From Diva Kastron. That bubble but effect? She hates the compression suit she’s suppose to wear to offset the swelling effect from her planet having a much higher atmospheric pressure. Then of course there’s the train wreck of an entity called Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner. Rather than fade away before undergoing it’s species metamorphosis and then reappearing ala Chas Bono old B-C decided to make coin off it and flaunt it. It’s causing no end of problems and concerns too.
“Oh man! Oh man! My head feels like its going to explode! What about all the tech that MIB suggests?”
“The car? Yes in multiple configurations and variations. After seeing some of my collection and driving Chitty B frankly I’m surprised you even had to ask. Noisy Cricket? No. Tri Barreled Plasma Gun? Yes and no you may not have one..ever under any circumstances. You’ll shoot your eye out! Restrainer? Yup, very nice nearly unbreakable less than lethal weapon there as well as great for some serious laugh at your targets expense if you’re a bit creative and have a sense of timing.”
“Come on! Come on! You know the one I really wanna know about! Is there really a flashy thing?”
“What the neuralyzer?! You honestly think there is a device that resembles a giant retro looking chrome fountain pen that with a flash of bright red light allows the verbal reprograming of the minds of all who saw the flash in the vicinity? and anyone wearing Ray Bans with an MIB logo on them is protected from the effect?
“Well when you say it like that is does sound pretty far fetched doesn’t it?” <Mr. Blue starts furtively putting distance between himself and Mr. Green as the full weight of what has been shared with him begins to register and hit home finally> “Hey look I’ve uh..got to go blow Terrance’s mind with this shit, I MEAN blow his plans for the NIGHT and tell him we have to finish rewriting this report like you want. Thanks for the…uh informative briefing Mr. Green. Don’t worry I’ll keep this stuff all to my self. That was j..j..just a tongue slip..yeah just a slip of the tongue before, don’t even think about it anymore ok?”
“Oh I almost forgot! I broke down and bought one of those Apple Watches. The upgraded ones with the metal cases? Pretty sweet! Here check it out!”
<Mr. Green pulls back his cuff exposing a large suitably gaudy and nerdy looking wrist unit which sparkles and flashes in the spot lights.>
“Ooo! Sparklies! I LIKES da Sparklies!” Mr. Blue steps closer to Mr. Green and dips his head for a closer look when suddenly BRIGHT RED FLASH!
Mr. Blue suddenly is motionless staring at the spot where Mr.Greens arm was a moment ago but now with a vacant look on his face and a slight line of drool running out the corner of his mouth. “I have no worries what so ever you’ll keep all of this in the strictest confidence Mr. Blue Especially the part about the neuralyzer being real, much smaller, effective on almost all sentient beings now and our refining the sunglasses into contact lenses. I won’t worry about it because you’re not going to remember it not any of it. You will remember coming here discussing your concerns learning that this revision was for our internal records only and will never see the light of day, mooching a cup of coffee and a pastrami sandwich from me and then feeling the need to get back and finish this report for me ASAP. NOW, turn and exit my cavern the same way you came in and when you hear the Portcullis clang behind you wake up and remember only what I’ve told you about this encounter. Go now please.”
Mr. Blue begins to shuffle off abet somewhat woodenly as Mr. Green watches comtemplatively.
Click! “You don’t harbor the same concerns as Agent J does? That over use of the neuralyzer on a single subject might cause irreparable brain damage? That’s the third time you’ve flashed him this month alone!”
“Nope. Not for a minute and I’ll tell you why in two words.. Lizard. Brained. Most of what he is and thinks is genetic memory and racial instinct. Besides, I don’t think it possible for him to be anymore drain bramaged than he already is. Besides, he was really starting to get upset at all the revelations. When you spend you’re entire life from the point of view that you personally are one of the weirdest and strangest things in a world only to suddenly have that surety ripped out from under your feet, well that has to be pretty damned upsetting and world shaking for you. I’d like to spare him that for as long as I can.”
Click “I concede your points but mean time might I suggest having Terrance and Chitty B keep an eye on him and reminding her she’s never to admit she’s a piece of sentient Alien technology herself.”
“Agreed. See to it. I’ve got more paper work to scan through and the first cases of our personal Flaming Shamrock Winery vintage are due in this afternoon. I need to see that they are cellared properly so they have time to rest before their debut at our Independence Day Party.”