Good Morning Campers,
Before we get started, I’d like to make an important announcement. Can we lower the lights please?
And a drum roll please……
Tomorrow, on Sunday, June 14th, it will be Lethal Leprechaun’s Fifth Anniversary of writing Leprechaun Laffs! Congratulations buddy! I’m proud of you.
A little more than five years ago, when I was struggling to put out a decent ezine, this guy offered to lend a hand. Shortly thereafter he had his own following and Leprechaun Laffs was born. Those of you who’ve been with us for the whole time probably remember how we slowly melded our styles until we have the wonderful product and stories that we have today.
Lethal, I’m so very proud to call you friend. We’ve never met face-to-face, but yet we communicate every single day. I know your family and you know mine and honestly, I would go to the ends of the earth for this man, or his family and I know that he would do the same for me and mine. Semper fi my brother and congratulations. You are the best. A closer friend and buddy I’ve never had.
Now, I’m not going to go on about any other subject, I don’t want to take anything away from the milestone for Lethal, so …
My grandmother died in the 80’s but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce: The long walks we used to take to the shop in town, the 5 cents she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or cleaning off the driveway. Her soothing hands when I would get hurt. But the thing I remember most was her sage advice.
Once when I was about 13, we were sitting in the park enjoying
a cookie and a Coke. She told me that one day I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.
“Always remember this, she said.
“Be sure you marry a woman with small fingers and hands.
“How come, Grandma?”
She smiled and said gently, “Makes your dick look bigger.
” Grandma was special!
During a lady’s medical examination, the British doctor says, “Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.
“No! No! …. Just stick out your tongue!”
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.
“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”
And then she went back to reading her book.
As you can see, this is a picture done by little Suzy, who is so enamored of her reading teacher that she drew a picture of the two of them reading together. Afterwards, Suzy went back to play with the other dragons and her teacher moved on to the next pupil.
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The Farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.
To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that when ever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s booked up for a year.’
It’s funny. I would say this is the exact ratio that Mrs. Dragon and I have when we sleep…although she would claim it was the exact opposite. Well, I proved her wrong one day, by getting up in the middle of the night and taking a picture of the blankets all pulled over to her side of the bed and and the bottom of the blankets actually 6 or 8 inches onto my side of the bed so there was NO covers for me.
I showed her the picture the next morning as proof of what happened.
She crushed my camera.
Like I said.
And people wonder why I’m banned from so many places.
And so very many of the liberals believe that all they have to do is follow this man and all of their fantasies will come true.
“Any specific problems you should tell me about?” the doctor asked.
“Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours.” she replied. “Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?”
Another self-portrait done by one of our students. You can see she instilled a little bit of magic into her painting to get it to move like that. If you watch it carefully, you can see her get up and walk around and then she’ll come back and sit back down again. Every now and then I’ve caught her doing her homework while she’s in the picture.
Yup, there’s a couple of anti-obama pictures in here this week… I just can’t help myself. When someone sends them to me, I just have to pass them on. Don’t think I wont give equal time to the other side, all you have to do is send me a funny joke or picture and if I haven’t heard it before and it makes me laugh, then it will probably get put into an issue.
And according to him… he deserves it.
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never played golf. “Do we have a cardinal who plays who can represent me?” he asked.
“None that play well,” the cardinal replied. “But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is very devout. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play as your personal representative. Besides showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll win the match.”
The day after the match, Nicklaus came to the Vatican to report to the Pope. “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,” the golfer told the Pope.
“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus.”
“I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some great golf in my life, this was the best I’ve ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons accurate and purposeful, and my putting perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”
“And there’s bad news?” asked the Pope.
“Yes,” Nicklaus sighed. “I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Woods.”
Yeah! No shit! Don’t call me and tell me that!!!
I agree! What the hell is that thing???
A woman says to her mother, “I’m divorcing Sheldon!
All he wants is anal sex and my rear end is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece.”
Mother says “You’re married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $3,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents?
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.
The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his PROFILE.”
As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my baseball bat, thinking that could scare him off, and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.
I came around the corner with the bat raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I thought I heard an intruder. I came down to scare him.”
She looked my naked self up and down and mumbled, “You didn’t need the bat.”
With the clang of the portcullis closing behind him, Impish Dragon pauses and mumbles to himself, “That coffee and pastrami sandwich was really good, but why do I still feel so hungry? I’ll have to hurry with that report for Mr. Green so I can go to the canteen and get another light snack to hold me over till lunch. Thank goodness this report is only for our records. I’m sure I would have been grounded if I had to report seeing little green men for real.”
As he waddles towards the exit he sees a figure appear from the shadows walking towards him. As he reaches the light he sees a bald headed human. With a deep, almost Shakespearean voice he asks, “Pardon me, Mr. Dragon. Can you perhaps direct me towards Mr. Green’s current location?”
“Ah, sure buddy. Just continue down this hall, when you get to the gate, ask the guard and he’ll get you to the right place.”
As the man passes, he enters into the light and Impish gets a good look at him. As the man says, “Thank you sir. You are quite kind.” Impish says, “Patrick Stewart?!”
“Oh no, my dear dragon. You can call me Jean Luc.” And with that he disappears back into the shadows heading towards the portcullis.
Impish turns and stares at the retreating back. “Nah! What in the world would Patrick Stewart be doing here.” And he turns and waddles out the exit, flaps his wings and soars into the sky back towards the main offices of DL&LL Enterprises.
In Chitty, Chitty – Bang, Bang’s garage / living room, Terrance says, “The Blue One has been flashed again.”
The very steampunk looking car replies, in her unique cockney accent, “Oh dear. Mr. Green is going to give him brain damage.”
Terrance the Troll chuckles, “Don’t you have to have a brain before you can suffer brain damage?”
CB2 bumps his leg with her bumper, “Don’t be like that. Don’t be like all the others who pick-on and tease him behind his back.” She gives a snort and a puff of black smoke exits from her exhaust, “Bloody hell, too many of them do it right to his face. He is a founding member of this organization and is a lot smarter than most people believe. I think it’s all a front, I think he just pretends to be that way.”
Before Terrance can answer, the door opens and Impish Dragon pokes his head in. “There you are Terrance.” He tries to get all the way in through the door and gets his hips stuck. He’s wider than the door and now, can’t move in or out. “Um, can you give me a hand here? I seem to be stuck.”
Terrance turns towards CB2 and says, sotto voice, “You were saying? Doesn’t this situation remind you even a little bit of Winnie-the-Pooh stuck trying to get the honey? This is the third time this week that he’s gotten stuck in that same door and he’s only BEEN here three times this week.”
Terrance turns towards Impish, “Yeah, hang on boss. I gotcha.” He walks over and pushes the button to raise the big garage door, then walks through and around to Impish’s ample posterior, takes a two-step running start and lands both feet on his ass. With a soft pop, Impish stumbles into the room, falls over an easy chair and face plants beside CB2’s passenger door. Terrance helps him up while reminding him, “Boss, you know you’re supposed to go through the big door. You don’t fit through the little one.”
CB2 asks, “Mr. Blue? Are you okay?”
“Oh, hi Chitty Babe.” Impish climbs to his feet. “I didn’t know you were here. I was looking for Terrance.”
CB2 snorts and another little black puff of smoke comes out of her exhaust, “Mr. Blue, this is MY room. Why wouldn’t I be here? And STOP CALLING ME BABE!”
Impish dusts himself off and says, “Right, right Chitty sweetie, of course you would be here. Why would you think you wouldn’t be here? Are you okay?” Before she can answer he continues, “Terrance, we have to finish that report for Mr. Green. Come on. I need you to type while I tell you what happened. Let’s go. And try to actually type the words I tell you. What you type very rarely comes out the way I say it. I don’t know why Mr. Green always accepts your typing and not mine. Even when you get it wrong.”
As he’s prattling along, he’s pushing Terrance towards the office complex.
“See you later Chitty Babe. Let’s go flying later.”
And with that, the two of them are gone.
“Bloody wanker. Maybe he really is that stupid.”
As Impish and Terrance reach Impish’s office with Terrance trying to get a word in edgewise, they finally stop at Terrance’s desk and Terrance blurts, “I’ve been trying to tell you all along, that I’ve already got that report finished! It just needs your paw print and it’s good to go back to Mr. Green.”
“But how do you know what to put in it?”
“You’ve told me the story a hundred times in the last two days!”
Terrance suddenly remembers the neuralyzer and realizes that Impish doesn’t remember telling him the story. “Yeah boss. You had me write it all out for you. It’s taken care of.”
Impish stands there for a second, his brow furrowed in thought. Terrance is worried that the dragon will realize that something is wrong.
” it must be lunch time! Come on, I’m buying.”
Terrance reluctantly follows along behind his boss and says, “But lunch is free in the cafeteria.”
“Right. That’s what I said. I’m buying.”
Later that day, Impish is in CB2’s room, lounging on her couch, that was specially built for his use. Chitty asks, “Impish, can I ask you something?”
“Sure, Chitty Babe, ask away.”
“Do you call me babe all the time just to piss me off?!”
“That’s the question you wanted to ask?” Impish chuckles.
“No. Um… not, that’s not what I wanted to ask. I wanted to ask, well…I’m not sure how to put this…” There is a long pause as the two friends look at each other. Finally, the car blurts out, “Are you pretending all the time or are you really that … off.”
“Oh alright. Are you really that bloody stupid?!” Chitty huffs and the engine gives a deep growling sound.
“I have seen you do some amazing things and be in complete control and commanding the situation. The Ninja Kitties told me about the fighter jets and the canyon and you were 100% in charge and in control and handled everything just perfect and then you come down here and trip and fall and act like you’re a … a ….” She stops as she’s suddenly at a loss for words.
Impish leans in and Chitty believes he’s going to reveal something very important when he whispers, “You TALK to the Ninja Cats?! Really? They scare the heck out of me!”
“OH BLOODY HELL, IMPISH! I’ve had enough! You are going to be honest with me or we can NEVER be true partners and I’ll NEVER go flying with you again!!”
They both sit staring at each other as the pause lengthens into the point of uncomfortableness. The tension continues to build until Impish sighs and an almost visible change takes over his body and his expressions. He gets up smoothly and walks over to the doors and locks them. He removes a device from a pouch and puts it on the table before them. It looks like a small transistor radio, with an antenna that he raises. He pushes a button and a red light comes on. A high pitched screeching is heard and the light turns green and there is silence.
“This won’t last long. I’m sure security is wondering why all their cameras and speakers have stopped working and they will get it repaired quickly.”
“They have cameras and listening devices here?”
“Miss Chitty, Mr. Green has cameras and speakers EVERYWHERE! Don’t think for a minute that there isn’t a place in this complex, or headquarters, or the pool area or anywhere that he can’t see and hear. I know he does it for our protection, but there are times that it is a bit inconvenient. Plus, I’m really not sure even this high tech device will work, not on him, but I know it will work on anyone else’s devices. But, we don’t have much time. As soon as that light turns red, our conversation is over and if I have to explain why I gave away secrets to my partner to Mr. Green, then I will do that, but you’re right. As my partner you deserve to know the truth. And the truth is that no, I’m not that stupid. But it is a VERY good front and façade for people to think that I am. I’m actually….”
The device on the table gives a beep, the light turns red and smoke begins to pour from it. Impish grabs it and quickly deposits it in the old oil disposal pit. It sputters and sinks out of sight. As he stands up, he hears a click from the door and he says, “There, that’s got that bit of dirt on your rear fender that I saw. You’re all pretty and shiny again, Chitty Babe.”
As a man walks in with a tool belt and tool box Chitty replies, “Don’t call me Babe.” But there’s no real sternness to her voice at all.
The man who walked in says, “Hi Miss Bang. I’m Gerald from IT and I’m here to do that update on your computer systems. I’m sure you got the email about it. I’ll try to stay out of the way and be as unobtrusive as possible. Please don’t let me interrupt.”
Neither Impish nor Chitty say anything about “Gerald from IT” coming in through a locked door.
“Well, Chitty, Babe. I hear a pastrami sandwich calling my name.” Impish puts his hand behind his ear in an exaggerated gesture as if listening. “Yup, I can hear it now. ‘Impish, eat me! Impish, eat me!’ Well, it’s either that or one of the virgins calling to me. Har! Har! Har!” The laugh sounds genuine and loud. “Guess I’ll talk to you later.” He gives the car a wink and heads out the personnel door. Getting himself stuck. He turns his head around and yells, “Hey Jerry! You! IT Geek! Can you come over and give me a push?”
Chitty is left with even more questions than she had before.