Dragon Laffs #1437


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Good Morning Campers,

I hope that everyone has recovered from their partying last weekend.  I know that Lethal kicked the stragglers out on Wednesday, but don’t take it so hard.  It was all for the best.  We can’t be responsible for you missing work.  You need to get back out there and earn that money…for taxes for the government, for the wickedly lazy who won’t go to work themselves and rely heavily on you to put drugs food on their tables and big screen TVs basic necessities in their homes.

One of the things that annoyed me to no end (speaking of people who get things for free), when I was working as a dispatcher for the State Police (one of the best jobs I ever had on a job satisfaction scale), it didn’t pay enough for me to make ends meet and keep my family really in the basic necessities.  I worked pretty much full-time hours at the county jail to make enough to make ends meet.

Well, at that time we were cut down on everything at home and had very basic cable only because we couldn’t get ANY TV channels otherwise (believe me, I tried) and I would go in the jail and the offenders had better cable than I did!  Yes, it chapped my ass that I was paying for them to have a better TV experience than I was getting.

Just one of the many inequities in our society.

I have to pay (a lot!) for my and my family’s cell phones and yet the government is taking my money and using it to pay for cell phones for people who won’t work.

Folks, election time is coming up.  I know it’s not real close, but it’s getting here and the people who want you to vote for them are giving you their speeches and their promises right now.  So right now is the time for you to be looking very carefully and doing what you can to get someone on the ballot and elected who will take this country in the direction in which it needs to go to save it.

Don’t waste your precious vote on the next fad president or stay at home and think it doesn’t matter if you vote or not.  It’s important.

Now, I think it’s time to get on with the laughter before I get too high up on this soap box.

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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Williams, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Jerry, what’s your problem?”
Jerry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 5rd grade!”
Ms. Williams had had enough. She took Jerry to the principal’s office.
While Jerry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal that this was an exceptionally bright kid. The principal told Ms. Williams he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Jerry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Jerry: “9.”
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Jerry: “36.”
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Williams and tells her, “I think Jerry can go to the 3rd grade”
Ms. Williams says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”
The principal and Jerry both agreed.
Ms. Williams asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Jerry, after a moment: “Legs.”
Ms. Williams: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Jerry replied: “Pockets.”
Ms. Williams: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Jerry: “Pants.”
Ms. Williams: “What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
Jerry: “Coconut.”
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Williams: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Jerry replied, “Bubble gum.”
Ms. Williams: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
Jerry: “Shake hands.”
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Williams: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?”
Jerry: “Firetruck.”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Jerry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

Well, I got six of them wrong, but I was really thrown on the coconut one!

 

1422

That one really deserves a groaner tag, but I’ll let it go.

 

When I read this next one to Mrs. Dragon, her only response was, “Damn Straight!”

5c

 

Egyptians are smarter than Americans.  Watch this video and follow along with the translation.  Amazing.  And still so many people think this man is the answer to all our problems.  Well, this dragon thinks this man is all of our problems and the answer is to get his ass out of office and keep that lying bitch Hillary out, as well.

 

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This one is just plain pretty.  Kinda like the velvet Elvis oil paintings, but better…lots and lots better.

Two police officers responded to a domestic disturbance with gunshots fired.

When they arrived on the scene, they discovered the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor.
They immediately called their sergeant.         
Hello, Sarge?
Yes.
It looks like we have a homicide here. 
What happened?
 
A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she has just mopped.
Have you placed her under arrest?
No sir…….the floor is still wet!

 

WHY DO THE CHINESE KICK OUR ASSES IN MATHEMATICS?

STUDY THE FIRST PHOTO VERY CAREFULLY.

THEN LOOK AT THE SECOND ONE.

IT MAY TAKE AWHILE, BUT EVENTUALLY YOU WILL NOTICE A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CHINESE AND AMERICAN STUDENTS.
5d

 

 

Class Photo: University of Colorado
5e

Any questions?

 

 

1

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone,
and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
 
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
 
* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
 
* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say “screw you.”
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
 
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
 
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And, last, but not least:
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
 
* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself!

There’s a joke here…actually, there are several jokes here…where I could plug in names to the different kinds of sex, but I figure I’d piss off a lot of people, so I’ll just let it go and let it play through my head.  At least that way, I get to laugh.

 

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f2009092501CrockDragon

This is George.  Him and his brothers are used as security in our moat.  Where is the moat?  Well, most of you haven’t seen it yet, since it surrounds the new water park area.  George and his brothers are only there to keep unwanted people out.  They don’t bother the people who are allowed in.  They also help the wait staff out with flaming drinks.  Nice guys.  Really!

 

Thanks to Ginny for sharing this next one with us.  Read the write-up first, then I have some additional information at the end.

This isn’t a joke or cartoon; just something interesting
to know……….       Please forward this on to others…….
 
On Monday, I played the Disney, Lake Buena Vista course. As usual the starters matched me with three other players. After a few holes we began to get to know each other a bit. One fellow was rather young and had his wife riding along in the golf cart with him. I noticed that his golf bag had his name on it and after closer inspection it also said “wounded war veterans”.
 
When I had my first chance to chat with him I asked him about the bag.
His response was simply that it was a gift. I then asked if he was wounded and he said yes. When I asked more about his injury, his response was “I’d rather not talk about it, sir”.    
 
Over a few holes I learned that he had spent the last 15 months in an army rehabilitation hospital in San Antonio, Texas. His wife moved there to be with him and he was released from the hospital in September. He was a rather quiet fellow; however, he did say that he wanted to get good at golf.
We had a nice round and as we became a bit more familiar I asked him about the brand new set of Ping woods and irons he was playing. Some looked like they had never been hit.
 
His response was simple. He said that this round was the first full round he had played with these clubs.  Later in the round he told me the following.
 
As part of the discharge process from the rehabilitation hospital, Ping   comes in and provides three days of golf instruction, followed by club fitting. Upon discharge from the hospital, Ping gives each of the discharged veterans, generally about 40 soldiers, a brand new set of custom fitted clubs along with the impressive golf bags.    
 
The fellow I met was named Ben Woods and he looked me in the eye and said that being fitted for those clubs was one of the best things that ever happened to him and he was determined to learn to play golf well enough to deserve the gift Ping had given him. Ben is now out of the service medically discharged just a month ago. He is as fine a young man as you would ever want to meet.      

Ping
, whose products are made with pride here in America (Arizona), does not advertise this program.
 
God Bless America and the game of golf.    
 
Thank you PING
 
May God Bless our Military!
Here’s a link to the Snopes.com article where you will find out that it’s not just golf and it’s not just Ping.  There is a whole lot of this type of stuff going on and they are keeping it quiet and not advertising.  What a great deal and a wonderful way for some of these companies to say thanks to our vets who suffered for all of us.
8

Yes, indeed, we do have our own scourge to worry about.  And heaven forbid he trip anywhere and sue somebody.

 

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“Chitty, Babe, bank left for a second, I just saw a glint out there in the desert.”

CB2 and I had been assigned over flight patrol over our desert hideout by Mr. Green.  He insists it’s not a 01hideout, but a secret operations center and I insist there isn’t any real difference.  I think our current “duty” is more a matter of us getting out of his hair than a real need for surveillance, what with the 2 gazzillion monitors, cameras, detectors and other nasty surprises he has hidden all over the area.

“You see it?  Right down by the base of that cliff.”

“Yes.  I see the bloody thing.  Prolly one of the green one’s cameras, it is.” CB2 continues in a raised voice, “And STOP calling me Babe!  I’m not your babe, I’m your partner!”

“Oh right.  Sorry.  No babes or other pet names.  I forgot.  It won’t happen again.  No worries, babe…er.. I mean, Chitty.”

With a sharp swoop of the car, I’m now floating in midair.  Well, plummeting towards the ground actually, but the point is, I’m no longer attached to the car.  As I unfurled my wings I reminded myself to buckle the seatbelt from now on.  But, come to think of it, I believe I HAD buckled my seatbelt and I believe I HAD heard a distinct “click” just prior to her dive which left me airborne.  I do believe she unbuckled me on purpose and dumped me out in the atmosphere.  But, before I could ask, we were landing next to the object which was definitely NOT one of Mr. Green’s toys.

The object was silver in color, round and shaped just like a …

“Oh look!  It’s a little bitty flying saucer!”

“Oh bollox on that!  Of course it’s not a bloody …”

Just then, the saucer, a little larger than Chitty’s spare tire…or tyre if you prefer, had a small square, just like a little door, open in the side of the thing.  It slid away to the side and disappeared from view.  Then a tiny
ramp slid down from the opening and came to rest on the desert floor.

“I swear to Tiamat, that if a little green dude comes out and threatens us with an Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator I’m going home and resting my poor head.”

CB2 didn’t reply, which I thought was odd.  She just sat there, not moving, not talking and I began to fear she was broken down or disabled in some manner when she finally lets out the mechanical equivalent of an
ear-splitting scream.

When I looked back down, there he was…a little green dude with a ray gun in his hands, peeking out from beside the door opening, with his fingers in his … ears? Looking distressingly at Chitty, Chitty-Bang, Bang.

He looked over at me, with what could only be described as a pained look on his face and mouthed some words that, not only could I not understand, I could not hear, due to CB2’s mechanical scream.  She was going on for an impressively long time when I bellowed in my loudest dragon voice, “CB2 STAND DOWN!!” And then I blew a stream of fire across her hood to get her attention.
8c
The sudden silence was deafening.

“Chitty, babe, what the hell?!”

“It’s a…, it’s a…, it’s a…”

“Easy girl.  You’re looking for a noun next.  It’s a what?”

“It’s a … ALIEN!”

The little green dude makes a mighty leap (for him, all of about a foot and a half) to the ground, swinging his gun(?) around in a circle and he can distinctly be heard saying, “Where?!  Where’s the Alien?!”

Having considered and rejected the obvious rejoinder, I replied, “She’s talking about you.”

The little green dude lowers his weapon and says, “Me?  Your mechanical transportation device was speaking of me?  But, I’m not an alien.  I know where I was born and that’s where I’m from.  An alien is one from one place who is trying to live or does live in a different place.  If he does it against the law he is an illegal alien, if he does it temporarily, he is a resident alien, if he…”

“Yes, yes.  But, she believes you are a space alien.”

“Oh!  Oh!  I saw that movie!  It was very scary.  I thought Ripley was very brave to…”

“You saw Alien?  The movie?”  Now, I was getting confused, which really wasn’t that big of a surprise, but I should’ve been able to keep up since it was all pretty easy concepts we were dealing with at the moment.

“Yes! Yes!  And Aliens, all the other sequels.  And Event Horizon, which was a very good movie.  Very scary.  Bad aliens…”

And at that point I could see the little light bulb come on in his eyes and I believe he finally got it. “You think I am an ALIEN? Like I have a steam shovel in my mouth to poke through your belly?”  He falls over to the ground and rolls around in the dust in what I assume is laughter, but sounds more like a braying donkey.

He is rolling and kicking his feet and raising a dust cloud around him.  The cloud completely covers him and begins to build in size until it reaches the size of a large beach ball.

Suddenly, the braying stops and slowly the cloud dissipates to reveal…nothing.  The little green dude is gone.

Looking around I quickly spot him back in the door way to what I assume is his ship, leaning casually against the door frame.  His arms crossed across his chest while he twirls his weapon on the finger of one hand.

“How… what….?” I stammer.

“It was getting dusty in there and was hard to breath so I moved.”

“Okay, well…what’s your name, anyway?  I can’t keep calling you ‘little green dude’ in my head.”

“You know my name?!  How do you know my name?”

“What are you talking about?  I just told you that I can’t keep calling you ‘Little green dude’ anymore and…”

“But that’s my name!  Well, in my language it’s the great gaz…er…um… (and here he says something completely unintelligible) but it translates in your words as ‘Little Green Dude’.”

“Okay, LGD.  It’s time for you to come with us.  I’m about as convinced that I’m crazy or I’m dreaming right now, so either way, it probably won’t matter in the long run.”

“Are you going to take me to your leader?”

“Oh.  Um.. yeah, right.  We’re going to take you to Mr. Green.”

“Oh goody!  I’ve always wanted to say that,” he says while clapping his hands and jumping up and down in the air which seems to rock his entire ship.  In a much deeper, mechanical and more menacing voice he says, “TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER.”  And then starts the donkey braying giggling again. “Take me to your …” and he can’t get the whole sentence out before he’s laughing again.

“Okay, jump in the car, let’s go Chitty.”

I walk over and lift the surprising light “flying saucer” and put it securely in the back seat.  I’m sure Mr. Green is going to want to get a good look at that.  Other universe space technology!  Wow!  He’s going to be so impressed with me.

Poor CB2 squeaks out “Alien” but lifts into the sky and brings us to Headquarters. Where Little Green Dude happily goes off with a couple of security personnel and we are left writing an after action report after dropping the “flying saucer” off in one of the labs.  Well, I’m left writing the report.  Chitty, Chitty-Bang, Bang is last seen in her garage where every now and then a soft “Alien” can be heard.


While Impish is writing his report, we spy in on Lethal Leprechaun who is sitting at a round table with a beer and a cigar in front of him.  Standing on the table on the other side of him is Little Green Dude with a much smaller beer and a somewhat smaller cigar.  We hear, “I swear to God Lethal, it was the funniest thing I’ve done in a long, long time.  When I jumped down and said,  ‘Alien?!  Where’s an Alien?!’ I thought I was going to give the whole thing away right there. And I can’t believe how much that dumb
dragon was oohing and aahing over my ‘flying saucer’.  I swear one of the two-by-fours holding up the floor fell off into the sand when he picked it up!”

They both lift their glasses, clink them together with a “Cheers” and drink up as they fade from our view.

 

1423

 

 

9i

 

 

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a52

I’m thinking someone either wants to really go out or is really hungry, but either way, “It’s time to get up!!”

a53

Poor guys!  I think daylight savings time sucks, too!

 

a54

I see that other black dog.  Do you see the other dog?  It’s flat on the ground!

 

a55

We don’t allow Baileigh to beg for food…so instead she lays on the ground by your feet and looks pitiful.

 

a56

Yup, from a sound sleep.  It’s truly amazing.

 

9j

 

1424

 

9k

 

 

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Corny Joke5

Me neither…

 

Hostility

Ooh!  Crunchy knights…and squires, too! 

 

Hot Ice

Shouldn’t there be a puddle, then?  Hmm…there’s a “frigid” joke in there that I’m definitely going to let go.

 

Hot Nerd

A nerd?  Just because of the glasses?  But, yeah.  Okay.

 

houdini

 

 

9l

The next thing you hear is the sound of an open palm striking a child’s cheek.

 

1425

Yeah, that would be me playing golf.

 

9m

Yeah, that would be all of us here at DL&LL Enterprises.  Coffee comes before (just about) everything.

 

1426

 

 

How about a fast set of:
calvin

c1

c2

c6

c7

c8

 

 

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Today’s Last Word is a selection of great quotes sent to us by Ginny and used here because they are quite good and I’m quite busy and running out of time for this issue.  Thanks for dragon my ass out of the fire, Ginny…

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,’Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’
Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<><> 
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’
– Eleanor Roosevelt
<><> 
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
– Mark Twain
<><> 
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
– George Burns
<><> 
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
– Victor Borge
<><> 
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
– Mark Twain
<><> 
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
– Socrates
<><> 
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
– Groucho Marx
<><> 
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
– Jimmy Durante
<><> 
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><> 
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
– Alex Levine
<><> 
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
– Rodney Dangerfield
<><> 
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
– Spike Milligan
<><> 
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
– Joe Namath
<><> 
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
– Bob Hope
<><> 
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
– W. C. Fields
<><> 
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
– Will Rogers
<><> 
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
– Winston Churchill
<><> 
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
– Phyllis Diller
<><> 
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
– Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good spit it out.
~~~~
May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door
 .

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10 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1437

  1. PAUL says:

    A good friend will help you move
    a best friend will help you move a body !!

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      Don’t I know it Paul!
      Thing is, some bodies are WAY harder to move than others…take Dragon bodies for instance.
      Not only do they charge by the ton but there’s the whole wide load issue. Really hard to sneak a Dead dragon out someplace to bury it..much less keep the giant burial excavation from being noticed!

      • impishdragon says:

        Hey? Lethal, why are you digging a new pool way out back there?
        And what’s this flatbed truck with wide load on the back?

      • lethalleprechaun says:

        Don’t worry about it Impish, its fgor our own La Brea Tar pit style feature for the Party Mountain.
        I’m calling it ‘Dragonsaurs Drenched in Diesel’

  2. Danny says:

    Good stuff. Thanks.

  3. Christopher Brugman says:

    For Your ‘Insert joke’;
    “You can take the Girl out of Iowa, but You can’t take Iowa out of the Girl.”

  4. Ginny says:

    You can always count on me to “dragon your ass” anytime. Have a good weekend!

    • impishdragon says:

      Now that sounds down-right fun!
      You know what the definition of friendship is, right?
      A friend will be there to bail you out of jail,
      A TRUE friend will be there beside you in jail and says, “Boy, we’re in for it now!”

      • lethalleprechaun says:

        A good friend will share his umbrella with you in a storm.
        A best friend will steal yours and yell run dummy!

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