Dragon Laffs #1489


Header84Good Morning Campers,

I’m beginning to think that this warning should be on just about everything we do as a nation any more:Adult

Sadly, it seems that the Adult Supervision has left the country and the whinny kids are running the place. 

After Lethal Leprechaun’s most amazing Memorial Day issue ever, I’ve been listening to the news, and reading on line of all the gimme, gimme, gimme crap that’s going on right now. 

Maybe we don’t need a sign warning us that there is adult content, maybe what we need is a warning to swim at your own risk since all the adults have left the pool area.11  Someone, somewhere needs to start acting like adults and straightening this place out.

It shouldn’t have to be Lethal and I all the time.  But, then again.  Maybe it should.

Anyway, today is Memorial Day as I’m writing this and I’ve just gone through Lethal’s fantastic issue again, for like the 4th or 5th time.

Memorial Day always hits me (and Lethal, I know, since we’ve talked about it many times) very hard.  We’ve both lost friends, military brothers and sisters, and although they are with us every single day in our hearts and our thoughts, one day just doesn’t seem enough to thank everyone for the service they’ve freely given.

My kid, the Whelpling and Mrs. Whelpling and the grand kidlets are on their way over to swim, cook out and enjoy each other’s company.  I’ll add a bit more about today before I post this, but for now, take it away!

Let's Laugh

2005

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. “Fred,” he replies.

“Fred what?” the officer asks.

“Just Fred,” the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. “Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?”

The biker replies, “It’s a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.” 

“After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. I got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.”

“Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.”

The officer walked away in tears, laughing

As I mentioned in the opening, my grandkids came by and broke the pool in for the season.  I’ll bet the boys were in there for four hours! Anyway, here they all are in the pool.  My grand whelplings.

20160530_153005

As you can see, they had a great time.  I won’t belabor you any longer with boring family stuff.  Exciting to us, maybe, but boring to you guys.

 

1998

So, a lot of times I get caught up in an internet search and my curiosity takes me to many strange places.  This one isn’t strange as much as it is enlightening.  So, here’s what I found.  According to motor-guides.com, the 5 most reliable cars are:
#5 – Volkswagen Beetle
#4 – Honda Accord
#3 – Volkswagen Jetta
#2 – Toyota Camry
and the number one most reliable car is……..

drumroll please ……

#1 – Honda Civic!

I  had a Volkswagen Beetle while in Germany all these many moons ago and it was the toughest, most reliable little son-on-a-gun you could ever imagine.  But this was an older, original type Beetle.  I hadn’t realized that the “Bugs” fitness had carried over to the new model.  Does anyone else think it’s odd that, on a list of 5, Volkswagen has two spots and so does Honda?

Well, now that we’ve looked at the best, shouldn’t we also look at the worst?

From the same guys, motor-guides.com comes the 5 Least reliable cars (and trucks on this list!)
#5 – Chevrolet Silverado
#4 – Ford Escape
#3 – Fiat 500L
#2 – Nissan Pathfinder

and the number one least reliable car is…….

raspberry please……

#1 – Ford Fiesta!

Personally, I’m not surprised by the number one choice at all.  And I’m also not surprised to see that Ford had 2 in the bottom 5.  The Silverado surprised me, but maybe only because I am a fan of Chevy’s.

What about you guys?  Anyone got any horror stories about a car that you owned?

2007

 

Here’s a great little infographic, again, from our friends at makeuseof.com.  I’m not a fan of the selfie, don’t take hardly any myself, if at all.  (I honestly can’t remember the last selfie I took).  So, how could I have ever guess that the selfie had such a rich and varied history?4

2008

 

dragon pix

d2016050901

Dragons are very fun loving, rambunctious creatures.  The things they do to each other in play, like breathing fire, would destroy you puny humans in a heart beat.  That’s one of the main reasons that dragons will eventually take over the earth.

2009

Mrs. Dragon notices her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “You know, that’s not going to help,” she says.

“Sure it does,” Impish answers. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

2010

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. Everything quickly turned to chaos when a woman carrying a child started walking towards the front.

Everybody was surprised, shocked, and the bride even fainted. The pastor asked the woman if she had anything to say.

The woman replied, “We can’t hear in the back.”

2011If you don’t get that joke, then you don’t read the same books that Lethal Leprechaun and I do.

A man was on a long walk in the country. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.

There was a baby pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

The housewife replied, “Ah, he’s not that friendly. That’s his bowl you’re using.”


2012

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her third grade class.

“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” answered one little girl.

“Jane . Do you know what pregnant means?”

“Yes,” said the girl. “It means carrying a child.”

 

2013

Fantasyf2010050402No, that’s not Lethal’s yacht that he keeps going on about.  It is actually one of the party areas in the recreation mountain.  And yes, the 3-headed sea serpent is real.  He’s also the waiter.  If you look close you can see him serving the guy on the little raft.  I don’t know why the guy is on the raft, some people  just can’t wait to get their food.

2014

Here in the South, you don’t see too many people hang-gliding. Jim Bob decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge … into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin’ on the porch swing talkin’ bout the good ole days when maw spots the biggest bird she’s ever seen! “Look at the size of that bird, Paw!” she exclaims.

Paw raises up,” Git my gun, Maw.”

She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG…BANG…BANG…BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

“I think ya missed him, Paw,” she says.

“Yeah,” he replies, “but at least he let go of Jim Bob!”

 

2015
I’m really not sure what day I started working on this issue because it’s not for Saturday, Lethal Leprechaun did his Memorial Day issue, which I’m sure will be fantastic.  Yes, I know I’m using past and future tense in the same sentence.  See, today is Thursday, May 26th and this Saturday is the Memorial Day issue, but you won’t be reading this until Wednesday, June 1st.  So for me it’s in the future, but for you it’s in the past.

But, the important thing is that today is the 26th of May, which also happens to be “Red Nose Day”.  Red Nose Day is an off shoot of Comic Relief.  It is a special day to get money for Hungry Children.  A very worthwhile event.

Walgreens is a major sponsor and they are selling T-Shirts, Wrist Bands and red noses among other things.  So, having purchased some wrist bands and some noses, I have a dentist appoint this afternoon where I will be going like this:

3eYes, that is me.  Scruffy beard, red nose and all.  I’ll let you know how it goes at the dentist.  Should be great fun!

Update: Well, it didn’t go so great at the dentist.  All was going well, he started to work on my teeth, I had to open my mouth and breath through my nose…and … well … the red nose clamps your nose shut and I passed out.  And once I passed out, the dentist and his assistant took off my nose and…and…
Oh, it’s just to horrible to say!
I’m so ashamed!  And I feel so dirty!
They…they…LAUGHED at me!

Okay, this next one is bloody awful…so it gets a warning:
Groan

2016Yup!  Pretty bad!

Why don’t we move on to another fun section?

Stupid25Sure!  It’s Safe!  Yeah, only if he’s a friggin’ circus performer!
26The tiger’s lunch will be served in 3…2…1…
27The alligator’s lunch will be …aw, you get the idea.
28While at the emergency room getting treated for 3rd degree burns the doctor asked Billy-Bob how it happened.  He said, “Well, me and Scooter were sittin’ around and I had this great idea, so I told Scooter, ‘hold my beer and watch this!’ I ain’t really sure what happened after that.”
29Even his feet are bare, touching the metal ladder, in the pool using an electric drill.  There are SO MANY things wrong with this picture!
30Later, after Harry convince the Muguls at the party that they could fly on a broom, too.  The ambulance was called many times.

2017

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Brian”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Brian Sullivan. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won Wimbledon at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a west end star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow. Some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I’m married to his widow.”

100

motivationallate night snacksLater that nightlaugh and the worldLaughinglaughter
2018If I responded to everyone of the offers I’ve received and if they were all true, I’d own the entire world’s wealth by now.  So Melvin Simpchuk, I suggest you continue to watch for a scam.

4b

2019

movie

If you don’t laugh with this woman then you are dead.  Go bury yourself.

I enjoy the TED Talks, this one is pretty cool.  How to tell someone is lying.

A cool father/son video called “What’s inside?”  This issue, what’s inside a rattlesnake rattle.

I thought this one was cool, too.  What’s inside a wasp nest?

2020

5

1999

2021

Last Word

Today’s Last Word, as promised, is a tribute to my reaction to Lethal’s Memorial Day issue.  As many of you have noted, it was his best one yet.  And Lethal, this one is for you!

You are on your way to the campgrounds where you normally participate in Impish Dragon’s Dragon Laffs.  And you start seeing road signs:

2a

 

 

A little further down the road and you see another:

 

 

2b

 

 

Every half mile there is a new sign.

 

 

2c

 

 

You can’t help yourself.  You’re starting to get really excited.  Grandma’s awake and the kids won’t keep quiet in the back seat!

2d

 

It’s just sign after sign.  You’re beginning to wonder if it’s all just one big joke!  But, no!  You know in your heart that Impish wouldn’t do that to you.

 

2e

 

It must be close now.  You can see what looks like a small city springing up ahead.  You’ve been by this way many times and have never seen a city here before.2f

Before you realize, you’ve turned off the highway and pulled into a little town that seems to have sprung up almost out of nowhere.  Could all this be here because of some of new monument?   Could all of this just have sprung up since the last issue?

2g

 

On the left, you pass a Motel.  Could it be that this Motel is ONLY here to cater to people visiting the monument?

 

 

2h

 

 

You are overwhelmed with what you’re seeing!

You pass business after business with signs similar to what you’ve already seen.

Finally, you seem to have reached your destination.

A small grassy area with a handsome but understated fence surrounding…something.  You can’t quite see what’s there since it’s surrounded by people.

You find a place to park the car and you join a line that’s waiting to enter the fenced in area.  The crowd is quite subdued, even the children speaking in hushed, almost reverent voices.  You overhear conversations and realize that this monument had something to do with the fantastic Memorial Day Issue that Impish’s partner (and some say brother, although they are of two different mythical species) publishes yearly.

You finally manage to make it to the front of the line.  You have your 1 minute of viewing time and you realize two things. Firstly, 1 minute will not be enough time and secondly, it is truly as amazing, no!

Wait!

More amazing than you could have ever imagined.

As your time expires and you step aside you reveal:

2i

CheersImpish Dragon

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3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1489

  1. Maggie says:

    I agree with everything that Ginny said,, I appreciate the laughter and thought that you both bring to my life twice a week and look forward to it and I do share it with others Keep up the good work fellas.

  2. Ginny says:

    I totally agree with you, as a member of Dragon Laffs for years….Lethal’s Memorial’s Day Issue
    was by far his very best. Save it to your favorites so you can enjoy it several times over the year.
    Now your issue….LOVED IT! The picture of the grandkids, cute, but I don’t see them breathing fire like Grandpa. The picture of you with the red nose is priceless, and saved in a secret place in my puter for future fun with friends. Thanks to both of you for brightening up our lives with laughter twice a week.

    • impishdragon says:

      Ginny,
      I’m sure that Lethal would agree with me when I say thank you for the kind words. And Maggie, you as well. We are both very glad that all of our readers like what we are putting out weekly. It is, for us, a labor of love. And comments like yours is what makes it all worth while.

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