Dragon Laffs

I’m posting this video to see if it works.

As you get off the elevator or people mover you hear distant shrill sounds of someone using an industrial grinder and a very large air compressor.

Lethal is uncharacteristically, once again for the second time in a month, smiling and excessively jovial. However you cannot help but notice that once again Impish is missing from his normal spot reclined on the stage and wonder if this has something to do with Lethal’s happy demeanor.

Once you’re all inside the conference room doors close and the din lessens to the point where you can not only hear yourselves think but Lethal speaking to you as well.

“Morning Folks!

Sorry about the noise. We’re not really under construction despite what it sounds like. What you’re hearing is actually Impish getting the Draconian equivalent of a Mani-Pedi  treatment, abet Industrial Grade.”

Lethal appears to suffer a giggle fit and takes a moment to regain his composure and wipe his eye before proceeding.

“You see, [he manages to contain another giggle fit- barely] while the vast majority of Impish has reverted to our much beloved and familiar Blue hue, his claws on all for of his appendages [several snicker escape despite his obvious attempts to remain professional] have remained bright shocking pink despite the 18 coats of Goth Black Epoxy he has applied!

Lethal pauses to sip his cuppa, an obvious ploy for time to help him keep his composure.

So now, he’s graduated to wet sandblasting, grinding and acid washing in an attempt to remove the bright shocking pink from his claws, or at least do something which allows him to paint over it. [more stifled giggles ensue]. Let’s get this issue started as it appears I’m going to need a moment to regain my professional composure.”

He just manages to press a butt on the podium before collapsing behind it and rolling around on the stage as he gives into a fit of giggles and guffaws the like of which, not only have you never heard out of him before, but that you also find highly infectious and unable to avoid joining in.

 

A lady was taking her time browsing through everything at a yard sale and said to the hostess, “My husband is going to be very angry when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale.”

And the hostess said, “I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the great bargains.”

The lady said, “Normally, yes. But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital.”

Ok Easters over, now what do you do with all those colored eggs? Chances are even if you didn’t make any yourself some desperate to be rid of them relative you can’t say no to without causing a family fracas foisted some off on you. No worries, as usually I’m going to help you good folks out with my personal Super Deluxe Egg Salad recipe to see you though. 

Lethal’s Super Deluxe Egg Salad

Prep Time: 10 minutes
Total Time: 1 hour, 10 minutes
Yield: 4 sandwiches

Ingredients

2 tablespoons chopped fresh dill2 tablespoons whole-grain, horseradish or Dijon mustard
4 oz. cream cheese, room temperature
2 Tablespoons celery, minced
    2 Tablespoon Mayo (or more if desired)
    1 Tablespoon Red onion, grated or 2 scallions chopped
    1/2 teaspoon lemon juice
    1 tablespoon minced fresh or 1 teaspoon dried parsley leaves
    1 teaspoon dried dill
    1/4 teaspoon salt
    1/8 teaspoon pepper
    1/8 teaspoon garlic powder or to taste
    6 hard boiled eggs, finely chopped or squished with a fork.
    Croissants, Pita, Bagels, English Muffin or Multigrain Bread
    Paprika or Cayenne (optional)
    Dill Pickle Relish or Minced green olives – well drained (optional)
    Bacon (optional)
    Minced radishes (optional)
    Lettuce Leaves

  Instructions

  In a medium bowl, cream together mustard and cream cheese until smooth.
  Stir in celery, mayo, onion, lemon juice, garlic powder, parsley, dill, salt and pepper until well blended.
  Add eggs and any of the optional ingredients. Mix well.
  Cover and chill for 1 hour or longer.

Serve on Croissants, Pita, Bagels, English Muffin or Multigrain Bread atop the lettuce leaves.
– Sprinkle with paprika or cayenne if desired.

To store: Place in an airtight plastic container with a folded paper towel on one side of the egg salad and clear wrap placed down over the top so no air gets to it. Will last 1 to 2 days.

I personally love this  with all the options and just a wee dusting of cayenne, open faced on top of a lightly toasted everything bagel or loaded into pita pockets. If using pitas and taking for lunch, be sure to line with lettuce cups to prevent any sogginess when lunch time arrives or assemble when ready to eat. Placing the egg salad in a small Ziploc style bag and snipping the corner off when ready to eat makes a great way to swiftly and neatly fill your pita pockets

Also here’s a tip for you: If you use the whipped cream cheese in the tub when a recipe like this calls for creaming it with other ingredients the creaming process becomes a snap. It also, assuming the recipe lends itself to it allows you to introduce other flavors into the dish by using a flavored cream cheese.  (Think chive or vegetable here for example). Measuring is very easy as a tub is 8 ounces so half a tub gives you the 4 ounces you need no fuss no muss no bother.

Tippurr one of the Ninja Kitties in training checking for a concealed safe.

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me Death?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775.”

“Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'”?

Again, no response except from Martinez: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”, said Martinez.

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”

She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Mexicans.” “Who said that?” she demanded.

Martinez put his hand up. “Jim Bowie, 1836.”

At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”

The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”

Again, Martinez says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”

Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”

Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.”

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble!”

Martinez said, “Saddam Hussein 2003.”

 

THE MEDICAL DISTINCTION BETWEEN “GUTS” AND “BALLS”

We’ve heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”,  or with “Balls”. Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS – It is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts”  too ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS – It is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say:  ‘You’re next, Chubby.’

I trust this clears up any confusion.

As the resident Dr. of Quackery I can say with a certainty that:

Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome;

both are fatal…

Why Aliens Hide Their Existence From Us

 

(With apologies to both Johnny Cash and Home Free, as well as admiration for the song ‘Ring of Fire’ and much love for my buddy Impish Dragon of the bright shocking pink claws to whom this is dedicated)

Being Big Blue is a wondrous thing-
And having scales just makes me sing.
But because of my attempt at comedic satire-
I ran afoul of a Martian’s ire.

I turned into a furry thing of pink.
From atop my head the color did sink.
Then he made me furry, that Martian fink.
And it shames, shames, shames-
To be furry & pink,
To be furry & pink

The sound of laughter to me is sweet,
When humors like ours meet.
I fell for it like a child,
Oh, but then my mouth ran wiiiiillld.

I turned into a furry thing of pink.
From atop my head the color did sink.
Then he made me furry, that Martian fink.
And it shames, shames, shames-
My claws still are pink.
My claws still are pink.

My claws…
Stillllll pink.

Copyright 4/2017 Lethal Leprechaun for DragonLaffs.com

 

Think this is a joke? Can’t possibly be real?

Think again, its available on Amazon.

I’m fairly certain Impish just ordered one to assist him in dealing with his bright shocking pink claws.

My guess is it’s either a motorcycle helmet, or crash gear for the Eater Bunny.

 

 

This is a test to prove WordPress is full of crap. This is ONLY a test.

Had this been an actual post there would have been humor.

There is nothing funny about our inability to post

 

Impish alluded to ‘technical issues’ in his notice Saturday.

 In truth this was a continuation of issues I first encountered last week trying to upload last Wednesday’s issue.

As of this posting I have made not less than 15 attempts over 3 separate occasions to upload this weeks issue only to wait anywhere between 5 and 20 minutes before receiving an error notice.

As it is it took me 4 tries to get to the place where I could post this notice from online

As of this posting I have not heard back from either WordPress or Impish who was going home to contact them as the blog owner.

I will continue to attempt to post the issue multiple times a day until such time as it goes through. However when exactly that will beis anyone’s best guess because WordPress apparently can’t be bothered to respond to us despite our being paying customers.

It’s the Easter weekend!

But, I’m really not sure how happy I’m supposed to be.  You might be wondering why I’m talking to you from a remote location, well, I’m still in my hidden bunker, trying to stay away from the Ninja Kitties who seem to want to play with me, chase me, or eat me!  That’s when they’re not cuddled up and trying to sleep  on me.  You might remember from Wednesday’s issue, that I’ve been turned into a pink bunny rabbit so that I can take over the regular Easter Bunny’s route.  At least as far as the DL&LL Campuses are concerned. 

Let’s review from Wednesday, shall we?  As you may remember, Marvin the Martian was confronting me about not apologizing to him for saying he wasn’t a Martian.  And now I’m in trouble twice….well… let’s just read along.

You have managed, in the midst of apologizing to me for insulting me, to insult me yet again! So now you have a choice (he aims the Ray gun at Impish) play a game of whack mouse with these over eager Ninja Kitties, or 24 hours of public service. You’ve got just 5 seconds to decide.”

Impish his vision tunneling in on the business end of the ray gun which appears to be pulsating wastes no time in screaming out “Public Service! I’ll do the 24 hours of Public Service!”

“You have chosen…wisely” intones Marvin, who then proceeds to once again shoot Impish with the the Spaceman Spiff Ray Gun.

“HEY! WHAT THE HELL! I SAID I’D DO THE PUBLIC SERVICE ALREADY!” screams our panicking Pink hero before realizing he’s not shrinking down to mouse size.

“Yes you did, now calm yourself. That shot was necessary to help you look the part for  your 24 hours of Public Service. You see Lethal was just informed before I came down here that ISIS attempted a hit on Peter Cottontail. While not successful Peter was seriously wounded. IF this were allowed to stop the paganistic celebratory aspect of Easter frivolity the damage to American morale would be catastrophic and President Trump might… lord only knows what. So- YOU are going to fill in for Peter this year, just like you have for Rudolph in Christmas’s past.”

Marvin is not going to make me go all over the planet delivering Easter Eggs, but I do have to set up the DL&LL Enterprises Annual Easter Egg Hunt on the grounds of the Resort.  All the kids of our employees, patrons, friends, mythological acquaintances, etc. will be there.  It’s usually great fun and I get to find all the eggs that the kids can’t…usually…this year, I guess I’m not allowed to do that.  But, supposedly, there will be a special egg at the end for me.

I made a blunder a few years ago and put up this sign… 

I will make damn sure that the guy who does our signage this year will do a much better job.  I sure am glad that I didn’t know Lethal then.  Can you imagine how he would have reacted to that sign? 

I can only imagine…but I’d probably be pulling Easter Eggs out of my butt for the next 12 months!

So, while I get as much done as I can here in my shelter before the Hunt begins, why don’t you guys get started on the rest of the issue…

This next piece is from Kim Komando and is well worth sitting down and watching.  It’s a little long, so you may not want to do it right now, but it is very well done.

Easter is so much more than hunting eggs and toys from the Easter Bunny. It’s also a time when we celebrate the story of the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

So, in the spirit of the Easter holiday, PBS Frontline has created a terrific online series about the life and times of Jesus of Nazareth. You can learn about the early Christian movement, the Roman Empire and Judaism in ancient Israel. It’s great.

Frontline also introduces new evidence and theological discoveries to lend new ideas and understanding about the infancy of Christianity and the way it transformed after Christ’s death and resurrection.

There are also related articles on the site to help you get a better grasp of the concepts being discussed. It’s a great way to get a better understanding of what Easter is all about.

To watch the program, click the vertical “Watch the Full Program” button. There is also a link to a podcast interview underneath the Program button.

To get to the program, you can click the picture above or follow the link here: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/religion/  I know you’ll enjoy it.  I did.

Some people wake up feeling like a million bucks.  Me?  I wake up feeling like INSUFFUCIENT FUNDS!

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea – one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, “I’m fed up with being a prawn, I wish I were a shark, then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.”

Then a large mysterious cod appeared and said, “Your wish is granted” – and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old sea mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn’t realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn’t see his old pal. “Where’s Christian?” he asked.

“He’s at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark”, came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian’s abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.”

Christian replied,”No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark, the enemy, and I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.”

Justin cried back “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed…. I’ve found Cod. I’m a Prawn again, Christian.”

Lethal also sent me a Groaner that he wanted to be sure I used.  He said it was much better than the usual Groaners I put out.  So, I’ll ask you to read this next joke, compare it to the one above and tell me which one you think is better.

Why don’t Easter Eggs Like Jokes?

They’re scared of cracking up.

I do like my Easter pictures from when I was a kid.

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, “I want you to try to sell this to me.”

So, I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually he called my cell-phone and said, “Bring it back here right now!”

I said, “$200, and it’s yours.”

You know you’re a bad driver when Siri says, “In 400 feet, stop and let me out.”

You remember last week when I showed you the spectacular dominoes fall in the triple level spiral?  Well, here’s a world record breaker.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
While I’ve been hiding out in my bunker, there’ve been a bunch of things that I’ve heard or read or found that I wanted to share with you guys.  This is the first one.  Have you ever heard of the Museum of Banned Toys?

Here’s there header:

Welcome to the Banned Toy Museum.         Our goal is to entertain and to educate.

Exhibits at the Banned Toy Museum display toys that someone says you can’t have.
These toys were taken off the market because they were a serious safety hazard,
or because they were offensive.

Then we jump right into the Top 10 Banned Toys…I’d really like to know what judging criteria was used.

	10.   Spanish BarbieIn 1999, fans of this popular fashion doll were very upset that she was wearing a matador’s costume – usually worn when bulls are ritually killed in a bullring as a public spectacle. Barbie fans, including actress Alicia Silverstone, wrote letters to Mattel asking that they discontinue the toy.
Click here for LARGER picture	9.   Air Pirates ComicThe underground comic, Air Pirates Funnies, was created by a group of San Francisco based cartoonists in 1971. The comic portrayed Disney characters engaging in VERY adult behavior. Disney sued, alleging copyright infringement. In 1978, the Ninth Circuit ruled against the Air Pirates.

Click here for LARGER picture

8.   Snacktime Kid Cabbage Patch DollThe Cabbage Patch Snacktime Kids featured battery-powered mechanical jaws. Armed with “real chewing action” this toy kept chewing, even when kids got their hair and fingers caught in the doll’s mouth. Mattel recalled them in 1997.

Click here for LARGER picture

7.   ClackersClackers, also known as Knockers and Click Clacks, consisted of two large acrylic balls, which hung on either end of a heavy string. The two balls would swing apart and together, making the loud clacking noise that gave the toy its name. If swung too hard, the acrylic balls would shatter, sending flying shrapnel everywhere. Clackers were banned in 1985.

Click here for LARGER picture

6.   Belt Buckle GunIn 1959, Mattel introduced the Belt Buckle Derringer Toy Gun. To unsuspecting badguys, this unique belt buckle looked harmless. But when the user extended his stomach, the gun swung out, firing a toy bullet and a cap. Unfortunately, the caps could be accidentally ignited by friction and cause serious burns.

5.   Sky DancersSky Dancers were a Barbie inspired helicopter-like flying toy. Placed on a mechanical base, once the cord was pulled, the Sky Dancer would twirl high into the sky. The hard plastic Sky Dancer’s propeller-like wings flew rapidly in unpredictable directions, hitting users and causing temporary blindness, broken teeth, face lacerations, and one mild concussion. Galoob recalled almost 9 million Sky Dancers in 2000. These I remember.  Had a little girls party one year and this was the rage at the time.  I think we sent 4 fathers and 3 mothers to the Emergency Room.  Also, one pet dog to the vet.

Click here for LARGER picture

4. Battlestar Galactica Missile LauncherRed missles, about 1 1/4″ long, created for the 1979 Battlestar Galactica toys, were just about the perfect size to lodge in a child’s throat. Before the missle recall, Mattel added stickers to the toys warning “do not put or fire red missiles into mouth or towards face.”

Click here for LARGER picture

3.   Yo-Yo Water BallsIllinois, New Jersey and New York have all banned the Yo-Yo Water ball. The Yo-Yo Water ball is made of flammable diesel hydrocarbons. The stretchy, sticky cord can wrap around a child’s neck, causing strangulation.

Click here for LARGER picture

2.   Lawn DartsHeavily weighted and solid metal, Lawn Darts can pierce whatever they strike! Lawn darts have been responsible for over 7,000 injuries. On December 19, 1988, the Consumer Product Safety Commission banned lawn darts from sale in the United States. I honestly don’t think there is anyone out there who would question why these guys were put on the banned list.

Click here for LARGER picture

1.   Atomic Energy LaboratoryIn 1951, A.C. Gilbert, inventor of the ERECTOR set, released the U-238 Atomic Energy Lab. Using real radioactive materials, one could witness mist trails created by particles of ionizing radiation. The set included four Uranium-bearing ore samples, and originally sold for $49.50. Knowing what I know now, and doing what I do for a living now, it scares the hell out of me to think that these kits were being sold to children.

So, how many of them did you recognize?

I’m not telling exactly who posed for this picture.

Lethal asked me, in not so many words, to print this next one.  I suppose he’s taking a poll, so if you can answer him back and let him know…

Yes, I know it’s an old one, but it’s still funny

Okay, so I really need an adults only warning on this issue.  I’ll go back and …hey…did you guys here that?

Of course not.  You’re reading this one Saturday…

What the hell is that noise?

I gotta check it out.  I’ll be right back.

Hi and Happy Easter everyone, Terrance here.  I’m the one who sent out the message early this morning when I couldn’t find Impish Bunny…or …. um Dragon… Impish Dragon.  I just found this posting here and thought I’d put it out.  No one seems to know where Impish is or what’s happened to him.  As you can see from his last entry, so thing caught his attention and …

Do you hear screaming? 

Oh my Terrible Trolls, the EASTER EGG HUNT!  Impish was supposed to set it up and the kids will FREAK and tear this place apart if there isn’t ….

Quick, come with me!

Oh my Horrible Hogwarts!  Look at that!  Run kids!  Run!

Look!  The Giant Bunny Statue that Marvin left, has Impish in its mouth by the cheek and Impish is standing on … or maybe even defending that Giant Egg!!!

 Oh my Awful Agnostics!  What are we going to do!  What are we going to do!

Who’s that!!  Could it be?  Is it?  Yes, it’s the REAL Easter Bunny and he’s pissed!

Screaming, shouting, rending of flesh…
Scales fly, fur flies, pink cloth flies…
Eggs are thrown (carefully and right into the little kids baskets)
Candy comes crashing to earth (easily, and into little hands and little waiting paws)
Blood is flying EVERYWHERE (but you taste it and it’s actually cherry juice)
And after a huge explosion (a really big puff of smoke)

The battle field clears and you see

I hope you all enjoyed our little playhouse production that we put on for you.  And I know that you all know exactly what day it ended and we took our bows, but does anyone remember what day it all started?

April Fools Day!

This has been a lot of fun, and kind of silly, but from all of us at DL&LL to all of your, our loved ones, family and friends, may you have a wonderfully happy Easter, filled with joy and the blessings of God washed upon you.

Cheers and Be Well, until we meet again!