Dragon Laffs #1505


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Good Morning Campers

Good Morning Campers!

Well, it’s been a week!

By the time you guys are reading this, I’m probably on the way back to my lair.  But, before we really get going with this issue and the important things we need to talk about and laugh about, I want to tell you about a special event going on today.

Happy_birthday

Okay, you guys with the cake, you be careful of those candles!  There’s so damn many of them that we have the fire department standing by.  Okay, so put it down on the table.  Good.
Ginny is bringing Lethal down here and he doesn’t know why.
There he is!  Now, everyone together:
Happy Birthday to you!♫
♫Happy Birthday to you!♪
♪Happy Birthday dear Lethal♫
♫Happy Birthday to you oo oo oo!♪

♪♫♪And many mooooooooorrrrreeeeee!!!♫♪♫

Ahem, sorry about that last part.  Can you get some medical attention for those people in the first row there who are bleeding from their ears?

Anyway, today is my buddy’s birthday.  He has been like a brother to me, above and beyond the fact that we are brothers in arms, we are brothers, and more importantly friends, in so many other ways.

I know you said you stopped celebrating birthdays a while back, but I still want you to know that I am not going to stop remembering it and I’ll bet that you’ll get a bunch of comments and a bunch of emails wishing you a happy day.

So, you heard me fellow campers, don’t make me out to be a liar, I know you all hope he has a great birthday, but don’t just think it, post it!

Have a fantastic day, my brother, and many, many more happy returns.

Let's Laugh

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That really reminds me of a story that happened to me when I was a young airman in the Air Force and my oldest daughter was very young, like 2 years old. 

Now that I’ve kinda set the stage I have to say one more thing.  Even though I put a warning at the top, I’m going to give you another warning right here. Adult (2)The adult content involves a horrible word that I have never before put into print in this blog.  You’ll see it soon enough.

While doing something in the house, this little girl comes up to me and says, “Daddy, have you seen my cunt?”

Well, the shock was so overwhelming that I didn’t respond fast enough and she continued, “It was black and white and soft and furry.  I can’t find it.”

Well, we talked back and forth for several minutes and we (I had called her mother in the room since she was normally better at translating than I was) had no idea what she was trying to say.

Well, this went on for several weeks.  She would ask us if we found it and we couldn’t get anything more out of her other than that it was “soft and furry”.  She would say things like, “I miss my cunt.” and “I’ve been looking for my cunt and I can’t find it.” Always in this soft, little girl who just learned how to talk voice.

So, one day she had a doctor’s appointment and it was a base doctor who she was seeing like we used to be able to as active duty military members. I’m in my uniform in this overly crowded pediatrica doctor’s waiting room.  She’s sitting on my lap as most of the other children were since it was so crowded.  Now, as a “two-stripper” I was probably the lowest ranking guy there, so I’m surrounded by senior NCOs, officers of all ranks, wives of who knew what rank their husbands were and … well … you get the picture.

So I very quietly told her to jump down off my lap and go over to the book shelf and bring back a book she’d like me to read to her.  She comes back with a book of pictures of animals.  I said her back on my lap and we started to go quietly through the book. 

I’d say, “What’s this?” and point to a picture and she’d tell me what it was.  A lot of the time she would say a humorous word that she thought was correct and anyone who could over-hear her would chuckle.  For instance, she would say something like palligator and mean caterpillar.  (Yeah, I would thought it was for alligator, but it was for caterpillar.)

So, I turn a page and all of a sudden she screams out into this quiet room, “THERE IT IS!  THERE’S MY CUNT!”

Needless to say, everything in the waiting room and behind the check-in desk comes to a screeching halt filled with female gasps and the male click of eyeballs as every NCO and Officer in the room stared lasers at me.

I did all that I could not to pass out dead right there.  My daughter, on the other hand, is going on and on in this cheerful, almost yelling, chant like voice, “It’s my cunt, I found my cunt, see daddy, there’s my cunt.”  And on like that.

I calmly said to her in a voice loud enough for everyone who was about to squash me but not yelling or chastising her, “No honey.  That’s a skunk…a skunk.”

skunkI’m not sure if anyone laughed or not because I was too mortified to even breathe.

 

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Okay, it’s time for our trivia question of the day.  Here goes.

Why A, B, C, D, DD , E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

You’ll get the answer, right after this cartoon break!a

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If you have wondered why women’s bra sizes are letters, but couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can’t Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

And now you know.

Monday morning in Wisconsin.  Gained an hour getting here and will lose one on the way home. 

Crappy night’s sleep.  It usually takes me about 3 days to get used to a hotel bed, but this was really bad.  Staying on base, in base lodging.  Dang!  I had to make my own bed!!  But, the price is right….free.

But then again, I could’ve stayed in a hotel in town (about 18 miles away) and it still would’ve been free…at least, for me.

Waking up this morning to more bombs in Elizabeth, NJ.  That’s where my grandma used to live.  So, the bastards are blowing up Seaside, damn near my home town in NJ.  I spent as much time there as I did my own home.  Then they blew up some in NY where I used to party and now Elizabeth, home town to my granny.

Shit!  Maybe it’s ME they’re looking for!

I gotta think about that some more.  No coffee!  I gotta drive about ten miles to get a cup of coffee.  I’m going to bet that they have some in class this morning, if not….it’s going to be a long day.

Coffee!! Coffee!!
It’s our Drink!
If we don’t get it,
We can’t think!!

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Dragon Pix

d2016090404

One of my favorites.  Makes a great anniversary card or just a little picture to say, “I love you.”

I run entirely on coffee and inappropriate thoughts.

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Okay, so I would never have the patience for this hobby (punishment?  torture?), but I am very intrigued by it.  Kind of like I love to read submarine novels, but am reasonably sure that I could never serve in one.  So, anyway, here is the dreaded Triple Spiral.

Definitely cool.

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Yeah, so that one goes back a couple of weeks.  It was caught in a small volcano that erupted in my computerized store room of pictures and political potash for the issue.  But, when you look at the cartoon and realize that is probably EXACTLY happened when Loretta Lynch was “summoned” to speak to BILL the Great and Powerful.  8b

So, here’s another cool video that I enjoyed.  I learned a lot from it too.

 

So, Tuesday morning.  It’s 230am and I’ve been up since 1.  I’m going to have to try and get back to sleep.  I hate trying to get used to a new bed.  And these are beds in name only.  The guy sleeping on the  cardboard box in the park probably got a better night’s sleep than I did.

Sigh.

And we didn’t get a chance to blow up ANYTHING yesterday!

It ain’t right.

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How about that.  That’s the same criteria that Lethal and I use.

Fantasy

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Since Halloween is getting so close, I can’t help but put in some pictures from last year’s Halloween Party.  This is a husband and wife team from the front offices in their customs posing for pictures.  No one could figure out how that black cloud kept forming behind him whenever he wanted it to.

I’m not saying I don’t like you, I’m just saying that I would unplug your life support to make a pot of coffee.

So, I managed to get another 2 hours sleep.  I’m not on the hunt for a cuppa!  Next time I remember to bring my own coffee maker if I’m going to survive here at Volk Field.

 

2241

Okay, so here’s a GREAT video that my brother, the Owl sent to me.  The write-up is from the website theblaze_logo_2x

Syrian rebel accidentally blows himself up after taking ‘selfie’ with phone rigged with explosives

A video showing a Syrian rebel blowing himself and his fellow freedom fighters up after taking a selfie with a phone rigged with explosives is going viral.

The 29 second footage shows several Syrian freedom fighters gathered in a room in front of two rifles, one of them speaking into a microphone.

Nineteen seconds into the video, one man can be seen lifting a phone as if he was about to take a selfie, then — BOOM!

As the dust settles, the men in the room can be heard shouting “Allah Akbar,” which means “God is great” in Arabic.

Watch the video below:
And here, courtesy of YouTube, is the video:

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I’m thinking this just might be one of the Ninja Kitties, Tech Division.  I could be wrong there, though.

With deep concern, Brian noted that his friend, Peter, was far drunker than he’d ever seen him before.
 
He walked over to the bar and asked, “What’s the trouble, buddy?”
 
“It’s a woman.” replied Peter. “What else?”
 
“Tell me about it,” coaxed Brian.
 
“It’s your wife.” replied Peter.
 
“My wife? What about her?” asked Brian.
 
Peter turned and looked Brian in the eye and admitted, “Well, buddy boy, I’m afraid she’s cheating on us.”

2244

My girlfriend asked me when I last had sex with someone other than her.
I said, “Back in ’02.”  That sounds a lot better than “February.”
 

2245

Ain’t that the truth.  Talk about a law that has no teeth!

For our anniversary I took my wife out to a swanky restaurant, no expense spared.

We had champagne, lobster, croquets, quiche, the works.

Afterwards, over brandies, she smiled seductively and said, “When we get home I’m going to do that special thing for you that you like more than anything else in the world.”

“Forget that,” I said. “I couldn’t eat spaghetti bolognese after all this.”

2246

Pestering Politicians

So, with everything that’s going on this morning and the way the politicians are all putting their own spin on them, this is the perfect time to throw some mud of our own.
4s

4t

4u

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You gotta love these “Who Wore It Better” pictures.  That woman will wear ANYTHING!

4v1

I’m going with Kirby on this one.

4w

And both of those statements are equally truthful.

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A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman, Mrs. Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there he lost all interest in sex.
 
A hospital spokesman replied: “Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.

2248

I loved Father Guido Sarducci on Saturday Night Live.  This routine is from 1980 and it’s called: Life Is A Job.

2249

When the examination was complete, he said, ‘Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what’s wrong with me.’
‘Well, in plain English,’ the doctor replied, ‘You’re just a plain old lazy fart.’
‘Thank You.’ said the man. ‘Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!’  

2250

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

2251

Critter

a78

See!!!  It’s there attitude!  And I’m not sure, I mean, I can’t prove that it’s true, but they have meetings … either weekly or monthly … and they teach their younger ones all these nasty tricks!

a79

a80

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I used to have a dog like that.  But nowadays, isn’t that what we do when we go to the grocery store to get milk and return with 3 bags of groceries?

2252

President Obama arrived in China for an economic summit over the weekend where he met with China’s president Xi Jing-Ping and with China’s cabinet members. It was long overdue. Obama’s been the President of the United States for almost eight years, it’s about time he met with the owners. 

2253

So it’s Wednesday evening and last night’s sleep was the worst yet.  I’ve hit my three days now and I’m hoping, with the help of a little alcohol, that I’ll be able to get a decent night’s sleep tonight.

Still haven’t had a chance to blow anything up yet and I’m highly disappointed and a bit bewildered.  I asked one of the four instructors if we were EVER going to get to blow anything up?  His response?

“Huh?  What do you mean?”

I said, “Well, this is an explosive safety class, shouldn’t we be learning how to set off explosives safely?”

He didn’t really answer right away, he just kinda looked at me with this dumbstruck look on his face and then said, “Oh.  Ha, Ha, Ha.  Funny.  I get it.”

And then he walked off.

Like I wasn’t serious or something.

Guess I’ll just have to get with one of the other instructors tomorrow.  Better be quick, we only have two days of class left.

2254

I get that one, too.

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives.

All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.

 After a few days they met up for lunch and compared notes.
The engaged woman: “The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said: ‘You are the woman of my life. I love you.’ Then we made love all night long.”
The mistress: “Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say a word, but we had wild sex all night!”
The married woman said: “I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s house for the night, when my husband came home. I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said: ‘What’s for dinner, Batman?‘”

And I’m pretty sure that’s when she killed him.

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A man went to the Harborview Medical Center in Seattle, Washington , to have his wedding ring cut off his penis.
 
According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient’s girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket.
 
She didn’t know he was married, and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
 
I don’t know what’s worse:
 
1. Having your girl friend find out you’re married.
 
2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis… OR…
 
3. Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
 
Tough call. You decide.

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Motivational

A discrace

This is a complete and total disgrace!  If this doesn’t motivate you to vote Republican then I just don’t know …..

I do

She’s sure to make some member of the Zombie Apocalypse Response Team (Z.A.R.T.) a fine wife.

Mail Boxes

Mail Order Bride

Maintain Eye Contact

Making your own rules

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A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, “Umm… err, I’ve never purchased condoms before, and I don’t know what size to buy.”

“That’s okay,” she says, as she is taken with his physical attributes. She decides to have some fun with him. “You can test your size on the fence out in back.”

So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence.

 
The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller.
 
Then he pulls it it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job.
 
Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it.  Just before he is about to climax, she pulls away, quickly pulls up her pants, calms herself down, and scurries back inside, where the man is beginning to stumble back in.

She starts to giggle and says, “Have you decided on the appropriate size?”

“Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!”

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Well, it’s finally Friday morning and after another really crappy night’s sleep I’ll be very glad to finish class, get some sleep and head home.  It’s been a long week.

I truly enjoy the fact that I get to travel occasionally in my job, but, like most people, I’m ready to go home after the last day.  I’ll come back after class and let you know how the day went.  Until then, how about a couple more laffs?

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Ginny sends us out these Health Capsules and most I find interesting and at least one has caused me to change something in my life.  Now this one, on the other hand…I get the very strong impression that there is a joke in there somewhere.

Maybe I need more coffee.

2259

A Muslim, a Jew, a Christian, and an Atheist all walk in to a coffee shop… and they talk and they laugh and they drink coffee and become good friends.
It’s not a joke.
It’s what happens when you’re not an asshole.

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Hey!  Wait a damn minute! I just realized that when people in their 20’s talk about “old people” they’re talking about us!!

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Well…..class got out a little early, so I decided to drive home on Friday, ran into 4 or 5 major traffic jams and wished several times I had waited until Saturday.  But, it’s now very late, and I am home and safe and I’m going to close this and post it now.

Thanks for spending the week with me dear campers.

Cheers

Impish Dragon

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6 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1505

  1. Did you ever get to blow anything up?? Also Happy Birthday to Lethal!!

  2. Leah D. says:

    Absolutely loved you funny skunk story!
    Want to wish Lethal a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

    • impishdragon says:

      Thanks Leah D. You would not believe what we went through with that kid and her … ah …. how should I put this …. Naming of things.
      It is something I can look back on now and laugh, but at the time, as a lowly airman, surrounded by people who, to a person, outranked me, I felt about two inches tall.
      And I will join you in wishing my brother from another mother, Lethal Leprechaun, a wonderfully happy birthday.

  3. Ginny says:

    Glad you are back home with your girls. Also HAPPY BIRTHDAY LETHAL!!!!!! Have a great weekend.

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