As you can see from the header, there is a road trip in my future. Well, not really MY future, but the fantasy “human” world that I live in, that Lethal doesn’t like me spending time in.
But you know, my fantasy wife and children rely on my fantasy paycheck to keep a fantasy roof over their heads and fantasy food on their table, so sometimes, I just have to pretend and go to the “other” world and get things done.
It’s been a while since I’ve actually gone anywhere for any length of time for the fantasy Air Force that I work for. I leave on Sunday (tomorrow) and I’ll be back next Saturday. I’m attending an Explosive Safety Officer’s Course and I’m really excited about getting to blow some shit up!
Where am I going in my fantasy world? I’m going to Volk Field right outside of Fort Douglas in Wisconsin. It’s about a 7 hour drive and I’m checking out a government vehicle from the motor pool. Except, it’s not called the motor pool anymore, now it’s vehicle dispatch. Yeah, whatever. I’m sure there’s some stupid politically correct reason why we don’t call it a motor pool anymore…maybe it’s offensive to motors to say they are as big as a pool….or maybe it’s offensive to pools to say they smell like a motor. Who knows. It’s pretty damn dumb, if you ask me.
They don’t even call them latrines anymore. They’re restrooms.
Yeah, okay, sure. Restrooms.
Do any of you know ANYONE who has EVER rested in one? No, me neither.
Where’s Volk Field?
Yes, you in the back?
No, I have no idea what the square root of pi is. Sheesh!
Anyway, it’s been a while since you guys have heard from me, so this issue is jam-packed full of stuff. And I could probably fill an issue twice as big. How? Because I am so dang far behind in EVERYTHING that as of this instant (730 pm on Thursday night) I have 533 unopened emails.
So, the lesson for today is two-fold. Number one, don’t EVER let yourself get behind because it’s almost impossible to get caught up again and B) if you’ve sent me something and I haven’t gotten back to you or published it or something like that….now you know why.
So, let’s get started knocking some of this outta here!
Amen! That is from the Nordic Brotherhood, but as far as I’m concerned it’s from the Mythical, Magical, Fictional Brotherhood as well!
A woman was in a coma.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, ‘As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little ‘0ral sex’ will do the trick and bring her out of the coma’
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. ‘What happened!?‘ they cried.The husband said, ‘I’m not sure; maybe she choked.!’
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
Although I think this joke is funny (yes, it is! Are we going to go through this again? It’s a JOKE. Lighten up!) For a lot of us men, you can also remember that Men Understand more than you might assume. We just can’t seem to get the initiative up to make us give a damn.
Do you know why nobody has ever overdosed on marijuana?
Because if you laid out one-hundred joints and a lighter, and told someone to try and smoke them all…
By about the fourth joint, they’ve already lost the lighter, ordered a pizza, cuddled with their dog and fell fast asleep…peacefully…painlessly…
And they didn’t wake up with a hangover.
And just another example of male ingenuity.
I recently was digging through some old photo albums and came across this one from the day I was born.
Dang! Wasn’t I cute? Geez, what the heck happened?
I think that last cartoon was an artist’s rendition of … me.
This next one could actually be called a “Golden Oldie” since it has been around before. But, those of you who know some of my own personal rules for what goes in Dragon Laffs and what doesn’t make it might remember that the primary rule is that I must not have heard it before and it has to, at the very least, amuse me.
There are exceptions to the rule (since the rules are mine, I make the exceptions) and one is that if it is a really funny joke.
This one is a really funny joke.
Yeah, that one should have probably come with a “Groaner” warning. Sorry.
I put my scale in the bathroom corner, and that’s where that bastard will stay until he apologizes!
This is what I imagine it is like for Lethal as he leaves his island country of Leprechaunia. I know it’s not true, but in my mind, this is what I see.
One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.
Mr… Leon Shitferbrains, is it?”
Yeah, I have days like that, too. A LOT!
Being rather bald, I comfort myself on a visit to the hairdresser with the opening gambit: “Grass doesn’t grow on a busy street.”
However, I was not prepared for the comeback of one of the barbers: “We always say, there’s no sense putting a roof on an empty barn.”
And it’s in a nice little “to-go” carrier.
“Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.” ~ Robert A. Heinlein
So, we here at DL&LL Enterprises gathered a bunch of kids in our daycare, yes, we have our own daycare for our employees. Okay, let’s talk about that for a second.
We have our own daycare because we are of the belief that anything that makes our folks happy will equate to more/better workers and work. We also have things like free ice cream, our own pizza service, different areas they can set their work stations up in, like by the waterfall or near the rainforest.
Anyway, in the daycare, we not only have professionals who take care of the kids, some of the times some of the mythical/magical/fictional characters will stop in and play with the kids.
Well, this one time, we had a bunch of the kids answer some questions about marriage and this is what they come up with:
1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
— Alan, age 10 I think Alan’s wife is going to have some issues with his expectations.
-No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
— Kristen, age 10 As has been said by smarter people than me, Kristen, you never really know who you marry until after the ceremony.
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
— Camille, age 10 Well, at the age of ten, that’s more than twice FOREVER.
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
— Derrick, age 8 There is so much truth and sad honesty in this answer that it is very funny.
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.
— Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
— Lynnette, age 8 I’m sorry…what were you saying?
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
— Martin, age 10 Martin, you have no idea.
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they’re rich.
— Pam, age 7 Pam, I see a much older man in your future.
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
— Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
— Howard, age 8 Absolutely. Especially if you’ve, you know, already gone that far with them, and all.
7.. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
— Anita, age 9 Anita, you have no idea how quickly girls will stop cleaning up after the boys after they are married.
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
— Kelvin, age 8 Yes, yes there certainly would.
And the #1 Favorite is …….
9.. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck!
— Ricky, age 10 ESPECIALLY if she looks like a dump truck!
Enjoy, here is a collection of notes left in milk bottles….
** Dear milkman: I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.
**Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk.
**Cancel one pint after the day after today.
** Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it
** Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
**Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
**Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.
** Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
**Sorry about yesterday’s note, I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
**When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
**Please knock. My TV’s broken down and I missed last night’s Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?
**My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
**Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
**Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
**Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
**From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.
**My back door is open. Please put milk in ‘fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
**Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday..
**Milkman, please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS Don’t leave any milk.
**No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
Having lived in a little village in England for several years, I can tell you that all of those notes are not only true, but not out of the ordinary. On hot days, our milkman would let himself in the house and put the milk in the fridge (along with bacon, ham, sausage and many other farm type staples). Nobody locked their doors (to be honest, I don’t think I even had a key to the cottage I lived in) and it wasn’t unusual at all for us to come back to the house and find flowers on the table from the neighbor who thought we’d like them.
Different times, different places.
Yeah, it’s that time. Let’s throw some mud and see what sticks.Yeah…accidently…how exactly do you commit suicide and put three bullets in your own head?
Yup. That’s the way it is.
Just be careful you don’t end up committing suicide.
Seriously, can they really not see the correlation?
And one more…
The later you come home, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
A dog’s parents never visit.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24-hours a day and at a moment’s notice.
Dogs find you amusing when your drunk.
Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
If a dog leaves, it won’t take half your stuff.
To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who’s happy to see you!
An amazing story, that’s breaking as we write it!!!
Pneumonia Virus Terrified After Remembering What Clintons Capable Of
WASHINGTON—Expressing regret over its reckless decision to infect the Democratic presidential nominee, the virus causing Hillary Clinton’s pneumonia was reportedly terrified Monday after remembering what the Clintons were capable of. “Oh shit, what the hell was I thinking—you don’t get on the wrong side of these people,” said the infectious agent, which became increasingly worried while recalling just how far the Clintons were willing to go to get what they wanted, as well as what often happened to those who dared to cross the powerful politicians. “Everybody knows you never mess with the Clintons. These people won’t hesitate to absolutely crush you, and they have the money and connections to do it. I knew I should’ve just stayed clear. I’m so fucked.” At press time, the horrified virus was reportedly planning to avoid the Clintons’ wrath by taking its own life. Ah, yes. Funny in so many ways and on so many levels.
Little known fact: The ACME company featured in so many Coyote plans to catch the Road Runner is actually a subsidiary of DL & LL Enterprises. Just sayin’.
I can definitely attest to that one. It’s so crowded in my head, that they have to take turns speaking.
Yup. And most people don’t realize that the most important piece 0f special equipment is your imagination.
Okay, so this video I found quite interesting. If you’re too young, you may know who Bugs Bunny is, but you probably don’t know anything about him. So here is, the Origins of Bugs Bunny.
Pretty cool, right?
God, this is so true it’s horrifying!
And that, my friends, is, as they say, that. It is not going to be long before I write to you again.
have a great trip and enjoy all the noise you will make,, you deserve some fun
another great issue !!!!!
Well damn! First day down and we didn’t get to blow up anything! All we talked about was how to make sure things DIDN’T blow up. That’s no damn fun at all! I’m really disappointed in this class so far, but I’ve got four more days. We’ll see.
Even with all you have going on….you delivered another great issue. Enjoy your trip blowing
up stuff. I’m sure all will be fine on the home-front and it will just make them appreciate you
even more when you get back.
Thanks Ginny Dear,
And thanks to all who have sent me personal emails wishing me a good and a safe trip. I’ll TRY to give you guys some quick updates through the week.