Dragon Laffs #1504


Header1504Good Morning Campers,

As you can see from the header, there is a road trip in my future.  Well, not really MY future, but the fantasy “human” world that I live in, that Lethal doesn’t like me spending time in.

But you know, my fantasy wife and children rely on my fantasy paycheck to keep a fantasy roof over their heads and fantasy food on their table, so sometimes, I just have to pretend and go to the “other” world and get things done.

It’s been a while since I’ve actually gone anywhere for any length of time for the fantasy Air Force that I work for.  I leave on Sunday (tomorrow) and I’ll be back next Saturday.  I’m attending an Explosive Safety Officer’s Course and I’m really excited about getting to blow some shit up!

Where am I going in my fantasy world?  I’m going to Volk Field right outside of Fort Douglas in Wisconsin.  It’s about a 7 hour drive and I’m checking out a government vehicle from the motor pool.  Except, it’s not called the motor pool anymore, now it’s vehicle dispatch.  Yeah, whatever.  I’m sure there’s some stupid politically correct reason why we don’t call it a motor pool anymore…maybe it’s offensive to motors to say they are as big as a pool….or maybe it’s offensive to pools to say they smell like a motor.  Who knows.  It’s pretty damn dumb, if you ask me.

They don’t even call them latrines anymore.  They’re restrooms.

Yeah, okay, sure.  Restrooms. 

Do any of you know ANYONE who has EVER rested in one?  No, me neither.

Anyway…

Where’s Volk Field?

00Okay, any other questions?

Yes, you in the back?

No, I have no idea what the square root of pi is.  Sheesh!

Anyway, it’s been a while since you guys have heard from me, so this issue is jam-packed full of stuff.  And I could probably fill an issue twice as big.  How?  Because I am so dang far behind in EVERYTHING that as of this instant (730 pm on Thursday night)  I have 533 unopened emails.

533!

So, the lesson for today is two-fold.  Number one, don’t EVER let yourself get behind because it’s almost impossible to get caught up again and B) if you’ve sent me something and I haven’t gotten back to you or published it or something like that….now you know why.

So, let’s get started knocking some of this outta here!

let's laugh

18

Amen!  That is from the Nordic Brotherhood, but as far as I’m concerned it’s from the Mythical, Magical, Fictional Brotherhood as well!

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND
 
A woman was in a coma.
 
She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, ‘As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little ‘0ral sex’ will do the trick and bring her out of the coma’

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. ‘What happened!?‘ they cried.

The husband said, ‘I’m not sure; maybe she choked.!’
 
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.

Although I think this joke is funny (yes, it is!  Are we going to go through this again?  It’s a JOKE.  Lighten up!) For a lot of us men, you can also remember that Men Understand more than you might assume.  We just can’t seem to get the initiative up to make us give a damn.

2218

 

Do you know why nobody has ever overdosed on marijuana?

Because if you laid out one-hundred joints and a lighter, and told someone to try and smoke them all…

By about the fourth joint, they’ve already lost the lighter, ordered a pizza, cuddled with their dog and fell fast asleep…peacefully…painlessly…

And they didn’t wake up with a hangover.

And just another example of male ingenuity. 

20 video

 

dragon pix

I recently was digging through some old photo albums and came across this one from the day I was born.

d2016090401

Dang!  Wasn’t I cute?  Geez, what the heck happened?

2219

I think that last cartoon was an artist’s rendition of … me.

This next one could actually be called a “Golden Oldie” since it has been around before.  But, those of you who know some of my own personal rules for what goes in Dragon Laffs and what doesn’t make it might remember that the primary rule is that I must not have heard it before and it has to, at the very least, amuse me.

There are exceptions to the rule (since the rules are mine, I make the exceptions) and one is that if it is a really funny joke.

This one is a really funny joke.

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”
In response to Bill’s comments, Ford issued a press release stating:  If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1…For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash…….twice a day.
2…Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3…Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4…Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5…Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6…The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.
7…The airbag system would ask,”Are you sure?” before deploying.
8…Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9…Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10…You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.
PS – I’d like to add that when all else fails, you could call “customer service” in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!

2220

Yeah, that one should have probably come with a “Groaner” warning.  Sorry.

I put my scale in the bathroom corner, and that’s where that bastard will stay until he apologizes!

2221

 

fantasy

2016071708

This is what I imagine it is like for Lethal as he leaves his island country of Leprechaunia.  I know it’s not true, but in my mind, this is what I see.

2222

The sheriff of a small town was also the town’s veterinarian.
One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. 
An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?”
“Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?” the wife asked.
“Both!” the caller replied.  “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar in it.”

2223

Judge: “You say you’re petitioning for a legal name change?”
Leon: “Yes, your honor.”
Judge: (looking at petition) “I can see why, your nane is
Mr… Leon Shitferbrains, is it?”
Leon: “Yes, your honor.”
Judge: “And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. Shitferbrains?”
Leon: ” Melvin,  your honor.”

2224

Yeah, I have days like that, too.          A LOT!

Being rather bald, I comfort myself on a visit to the hairdresser with the opening gambit: “Grass doesn’t grow on a busy street.”

However, I was not prepared for the comeback of one of the barbers: “We always say, there’s no sense putting a roof on an empty barn.”

2225

Critter

a73

a74

And it’s in a nice little “to-go” carrier.

a75

a76

“Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.” ~ Robert A. Heinlein

a77

2226

So, we here at DL&LL Enterprises gathered a bunch of kids in our daycare, yes, we have our own daycare for our employees.  Okay, let’s talk about that for a second.
We have our own daycare because we are of the belief that anything that  makes our folks happy will equate to more/better workers and work.  We also have things like free ice cream, our own pizza service, different areas they can set their work stations up in, like by the waterfall or near the rainforest.
Anyway, in the daycare, we not only have professionals who take care of the kids, some of the times some of the mythical/magical/fictional characters will stop in and play with the kids.
Well, this one time, we had a bunch of the kids answer some questions about marriage and this is what they come up with:

1.   HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports,  and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
—   Alan, age 10 I think Alan’s wife is going to have some issues with his expectations.

-No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
—   Kristen, age   10 As has been said by smarter people than me, Kristen, you never really know who you marry until after the ceremony.

2.   WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET  MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person  FOREVER by then.
—   Camille, age 10  Well, at the age of ten, that’s more than twice FOREVER.

3.   HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE  MARRIED?
You  might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling  at the same kids.
—    Derrick, age  8 There is so much truth and sad honesty in this answer that it is very funny.

4.   WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN  COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.
—   Lori,  age  8

5.   WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
—   Lynnette, age   8   I’m sorry…what were you saying?

-On  the first date, they just tell each other lies and that  usually gets them interested enough to go for a second  date.
—    Martin, age  10   Martin, you have no idea.

6.   WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When  they’re rich.
—   Pam, age  7  Pam, I see a much older man in your future.

-The  law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess  with that.
—  Curt,  age    7

-The  rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should  marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to  do.
—   Howard,  age 8   Absolutely.  Especially if you’ve, you know, already gone that far with them, and all.

7..   IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR  MARRIED?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys  need someone to clean up after them.
—   Anita, age  9  Anita, you have no idea how quickly girls will stop cleaning up after the boys after they are married.

8.   HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET  MARRIED?
There  sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
—   Kelvin, age  8   Yes, yes there certainly would.

And   the #1 Favorite  is  …….

9..   HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE  WORK?
Tell  your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck!
—   Ricky, age  10   ESPECIALLY if she looks like a dump truck!

2227

Enjoy, here is a collection of notes left in milk bottles….
** Dear milkman: I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.
**Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk.
**Cancel one pint after the day after today.
** Please don’t leave any more milk.  All they do is drink it
** Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
**Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
**Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.
** Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
**Sorry about yesterday’s note, I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
**When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
**Please knock. My TV’s broken down and I missed last night’s Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?
**My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
**Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
**Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
**Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
**From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.
**My back door is open. Please put milk in ‘fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
**Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday..
**Milkman, please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door.  PS  Don’t leave any milk.
**No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.

Having lived in a little village in England for several years, I can tell you that all of those notes are not only true, but not out of the ordinary.  On hot days, our milkman would let himself in the house and put the milk in the fridge (along with bacon, ham, sausage and many other farm type staples).  Nobody locked their doors (to be honest, I don’t think I even had a key to the cottage I lived in) and it wasn’t unusual at all for us to come back to the house and find flowers on the table from the neighbor who thought we’d like them.

Different times, different places.

2228

politicians

Yeah, it’s that time.  Let’s throw some mud and see what sticks.4lYeah…accidently…how exactly do you commit suicide and put three bullets in your own head?
4m4nYup.  That’s the way it is.
4oJust be careful you don’t end up committing suicide.
4p4qSeriously, can they really not see the correlation?
And one more…
4r

2229

 

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives
  1. The later you come home, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
  2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
  3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
  4. A dog’s parents never visit.
  5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
  6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24-hours a day and at a moment’s notice.
  7. Dogs find you amusing when your drunk.
  8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
  9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
  10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
  11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
  12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad.  They just think it’s interesting.
  13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
  14. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half your stuff.

    To test this theory:
    Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.   Then open it and see who’s happy to see you!

2230

breaking news

An amazing story, that’s breaking as we write it!!!

MORE ELECTION COVERAGE 

Pneumonia Virus Terrified After Remembering What Clintons Capable Of0

0a
WASHINGTON—Expressing regret over its reckless decision to infect the Democratic presidential nominee, the virus causing Hillary Clinton’s pneumonia was reportedly terrified Monday after remembering what the Clintons were capable of. “Oh shit, what the hell was I thinking—you don’t get on the wrong side of these people,” said the infectious agent, which became increasingly worried while recalling just how far the Clintons were willing to go to get what they wanted, as well as what often happened to those who dared to cross the powerful politicians. “Everybody knows you never mess with the Clintons. These people won’t hesitate to absolutely crush you, and they have the money and connections to do it. I knew I should’ve just stayed clear. I’m so fucked.” At press time, the horrified virus was reportedly planning to avoid the Clintons’ wrath by taking its own life.
Ah, yes.  Funny in so many ways and on so many levels.

2231 

Tim Tebow hosted his own tryout for Major League Baseball scouts in L.A. Tuesday where he hit, ran and fielded. No one doubts his natural ability. The other night, Tim Tebow struck and killed a deer, and Tim said afterwards he felt terrible about it, but when he’s jogging, he’s in his own world.

 

2232

Little known fact: The ACME company featured in so many Coyote plans to catch the Road Runner is actually a subsidiary of DL & LL Enterprises.  Just sayin’.

God was just about done creating the Universe, but He had two extra things left in His bag of creations, so He decided to give one to Adam and one to Eve. He called them over.
 
“I have a couple of things here left in My bag for the two of you,” God said. “This is one of them. It’s the ability to pee standing up. It’s a very handy thing. I was wondering if either of you wanted this ability.”
Before God had a chance to explain any further, Adam jumped up and blurted out in childish glee, “Oh, can I have that one? Please? I’d love to be able to do that! It’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden, I could just stand there and let it fly! It would be so cool! I could write my name in the sand! Oh, please! Please! Can I have that one? Please?”
Eve just smiled and said to God, “If Adam really wants that one, he should have it. It seems to be the sort of thing that will make him happy. Give him that ability. I don’t mind.”
“Very well,” God said. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
“OK, let’s see,” God said, looking into His bag of gifts. “What do I have left? Ah, yes. Here it is. Multiple orgasms…”
2233

 

motivational

MacGyver

Machine guns

madness

I can definitely attest to that one.  It’s so crowded in my head, that they have to take turns speaking.

Mafia

Magic

Yup.  And most people don’t realize that the most important piece 0f special equipment is your imagination.

2234

Okay, so this video I found quite interesting.  If you’re too young, you may know who Bugs Bunny is, but you probably don’t know anything about him.  So here is, the Origins of Bugs Bunny.

Pretty cool, right?

2235

God, this is so true it’s horrifying! 

2236

And that, my friends, is, as they say, that.  It is not going to be long before I write to you again. 

Cheers Impish

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4 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1504

  1. Maggie says:

    Impish,
    have a great trip and enjoy all the noise you will make,, you deserve some fun

    another great issue !!!!!
    Maggie

    • impishdragon says:

      Well damn! First day down and we didn’t get to blow up anything! All we talked about was how to make sure things DIDN’T blow up. That’s no damn fun at all! I’m really disappointed in this class so far, but I’ve got four more days. We’ll see.
      Impish

  2. Ginny says:

    Even with all you have going on….you delivered another great issue. Enjoy your trip blowing
    up stuff. I’m sure all will be fine on the home-front and it will just make them appreciate you
    even more when you get back.

    • impishdragon says:

      Thanks Ginny Dear,
      And thanks to all who have sent me personal emails wishing me a good and a safe trip. I’ll TRY to give you guys some quick updates through the week.
      Cheers,
      Impish

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