Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Day 205 of my captivity…not sure if that’s accurate or not, but it sure does feel that way.  I have a day off coming up this weekend, I think, and I plan on sleeping most of the day.

Oh wait…

I can’t…

We are holding our annual Linda Foote Tournament for our dart league.  Linda Foote was the woman who first founded our league some 30 odd years ago and she died of cancer, and every year after that we’ve held this tournament to raise money for cancer.  Last year we had our best year ever and raised over one thousand dollars.  We hope to do a lot better this year.

So, I guess I’ll be sleeping on Sunday.

I hope.

So, let’s get to laughing, shall we?

I didn’t know this.  Didn’t realize this.  And it makes a lot of sense.

IS THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE SO IMPORTANT

In their infinite wisdom, the founders of our country created a structure called the “Electoral College” as a control system and to ensure the individual states were fairly represented. Otherwise one or two densely populated areas would speak for the whole of the nation. It was not created as a device to favor Democrats, Republicans, Whigs, Tories or any other political affiliation. It was created as a system of “checks and balances” to guard against any small vocal area, with a specific agenda, speaking for the whole of the nation.

The following list of statistics should put an end to the argument as to why the Electoral College makes sense.

There are 3,141 counties in the United States.

Trump won 3,084 of them.
Clinton won 57.

There are 62 counties in New York State.

Trump won 46 of them.
Clinton won 16.

Clinton won the popular vote by approx. 1.5 million votes.

In the 5 counties that encompass NYC (Bronx, Brooklyn, Manhattan, Richmond & Queens) Clinton received well over 2 million more votes than Trump.

In other words, these Five (5) counties alone, more than accounted for Clinton winning the popular vote for the entire country !

These 5 counties comprise 319 square miles.
The United States is comprised of 3,797,000 square miles.

When you have a country that encompasses almost 4 million square miles of territory, it would be ludicrous to even suggest that the vote of those who inhabit a mere 319 square miles should dictate the outcome of a national election.

Large, densely populated cities (NYC, Chicago, LA, etc.) do not and should not speak for the rest of our country…and somehow the geniuses who founded our country understood this and created a system to avoid that circumstance.

And now you understand the supreme importance of the Electoral College.

Do share this…  It needs to be understood.

Calvin and Hobbs.  One of my favorite cartoons of all times…mostly because I raised Calvin myself.  Now, his name wasn’t Calvin, it was the Whelpling, but it was EXACTLY the same thing.

Several elderly nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out.

They took their habits off, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out the window.

After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, “Weren’t you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?

The nun replied, “Nah, don’t you know old habits are hard to break?!

Told ya!

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.
The average man’s penis is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women: will be finished reading this by now.
Men: are still busy checking their thumbs.

I’m sorry, what was that last part?

“You have reached the ‘Men’s Help Line.’ My name is Don. How can I help you?”

“Hi Don, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the entire bracket?”

And that, dear friends, is that.  Until Saturday.

Cheers!  Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

I’m on day 12 or 13 of my captivity.  Something like that.  I don’t know.  I need to laugh.  Really bad, I need to laugh, so I’m jumping ahead and getting too it.

You can trust a dragon to answer your requests.

Can you blame them?  Do you read the news?

I love these statue pictures.  If I knew where there were cool statues around here, I’d do the same thing.

How about some Motivational Posters?

And speaking of Patriotism, I fully believe and support this next one, also.

And on a completely different note, I fully agree with this next one, too.

So, I’m sure I’m feeling better.  There were some really funny ones in there.  Let’s go for a few more and then I’ll call it a night.

Okay, so damnnnnnnn.  I saw a beer before I even read the words.  I must have a REAL problem.

I work with people every day who this applies to.

And that’s it for today folks.  I hope you had as many laughs as I did.

Cheers ~ Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers!

By the time you read this, I’ll have worked for 9 days in a row without a day off and still have another 9 days to go before my next day off. 

It’s a good thing I like my job.

But it does make it hard to give you guys a good issue.

So, I’m going to do the best I can.  So, let’s get to it.  And let’s laugh!

 

I have to admit, I was looking for the punch line before I got to the end of the joke and this one surprised me.

There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could.

So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

Eventually, the local church decided to do a big restoration project.

Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job.

And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.

Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder.

The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”

I don’t like to think before I speak…I like to be just as surprised as everyone else about what I say.

 

NOT ALL THIEVES ARE  STUPID!

1. LONG  – TERM PARKING
Some  people left their car in the long-term parking at San Jose while away, and  someone broke into the car. Using the information on the car’s  registration in the glove compartment, they drove the car to the  people’s home in Pebble Beach and robbed it.  So I guess if we are going to leave the car in long-term parking, we  should NOT leave the registration/insurance cards in it, nor your remote  garage door opener. This gives us something to think about with all our  new electronic technology.
2. GPS:
Someone had their car broken into  while they were at a football game. Their car was parked on the  green which was adjacent to the football  stadium and specially allotted to football fans. Things stolen from the  car included a garage door remote control, some money and a GPS which had  been prominently mounted on the dashboard. When the victims got  home, they found that their house had been ransacked and just  about everything worth anything had been  stolen. The thieves had used the GPS to guide them to the house.  They then used the garage remote control  to open the garage door and gain entry to the house. The thieves  knew the owners were at the football  game, they knew what time the game was scheduled to finish and so  they
knew how much time they had to clean  out the house. It would appear that they had brought a truck to  empty the house of its contents. Something  to consider if you have a GPS – don’t put your home address in it.  Put a nearby address (like a store or  gas station) so you can still find your way home if you need to, but no  one else would know where you live if  your GPS were stolen.
3. CELL  PHONES:
I  never thought of this! This lady has now changed her habit of how she  lists her names on her cell phone after her handbag was  stolen. Her handbag, which contained her cell phone, credit card, wallet,  etc., was stolen. Twenty minutes later when  she called her hubby, from a pay phone telling him what had happened,  hubby says, “I received your text asking about our Pin number and I’ve  replied a little while ago.” When they rushed down to the  bank, the bank staff told them all the money was already withdrawn. The  thief had actually used the stolen cell phone to text  “hubby” in the contact list and got hold of the pin number. Within 20  minutes he had withdrawn all the money from  their bank account.
Moral lesson:
a. Do not disclose the relationship  between you and the people in your contact list. Avoid using names  like Home, Honey, Hubby, Sweetheart, Dad,  Mom, etc..
b. And very importantly, when  sensitive info is being asked through texts, CONFIRM by calling  back.
c. Also, when you’re being texted by friends or family to meet  them somewhere, be sure to call back to confirm that the message came from them. If  you don’t reach them, be very careful about going places to meet  “family and friends” who text  you.
4. PURSE IN THE  GROCERY CART SCAM:
A lady went grocery-shopping at a  local mall and left her purse sitting in the children’s seat of the cart  while she reached something off a shelf/ Wait  till you read the WHOLE story! Her wallet was stolen, and she reported  it to the store personnel. After  returning home, she received a phone call from the Mall Security
to  say that they had her wallet and that although  there was no money in it, it did still hold her personal papers. She  immediately went to pick up her wallet, only to  be told by Mall Security that they had not called her. By the time she  returned home again, her house had been  broken into and burglarized. The thieves knew that by calling and saying  they were Mall Security, they could lure  her out of her house long enough for them to burglarize it.

Wife: “I have blisters on my hands from the broom.”
Husband: “Next time take the car, silly.”

My final thought for today:  I’ve seen better days, but I’ve also seen worse.  I don’t have everything that I want, but I do have all I need.  I woke up with some aches and pains, but I woke up.  My life may not be perfect, but I am indeed blessed.

Cheers my friends.

Impish Dragon

Well, here’s an older header.  All the way back from 2011.  That’s 7 years ago.  Cool, huh?  Back near the beginning of when we first became a dot com.  A simpler time in some ways and in others a very tough time in my life.

Right after 911 I lost my job.  I was working as a restaurant manager, Izzy dragon was born on Sept 10th, yup, the day before and one month later I was downsized.  See, after 911, people stopped spending money because they were scared.  Restaurants rely on customers and if no one comes in, they have to cut costs.  So, the company I worked for went into every one of their restaurants and “downsized” the most expensive manager.  You know, the one that had been with them the longest, the most loyal.

But, even though I was unemployed, I think it was an easier time than it is now.  In the long run, the company did me a huge favor.  I got out of the rat race of the restaurant and eventually ended up with the job I have now, that I really like.  I just wish times were a little easier.

Anyway, whatta you say we get to some laughter?

So, this one falls under the category of “Oldie, but Goodie”

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.

“I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the Guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.

“I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way in time, but failed, and was hit and killed by the chest.”

The clerk couldn’t help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologises and says, “I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.”

“I don’t know,” replies the man.

“Picture this, I’m buck naked hiding in this cedar chest ….”

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you’re broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you believe them but, if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try?

How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a playoff hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make.

She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match.

On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, “I can’t believe you missed that putt!” “That putt was no longer than my ‘willy’.”

The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, “yes dear, but it was much harder!”

This one is really good for a cellphone background.

It’s true.  I swear it’s true.  I have documented proof that it’s true.  Honestly.  You can trust me.

A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks ( she’s no dummy), ‘I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.’

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, ‘Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!’

 

I went fishing this morning, but after a short while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth.  Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.  So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.  Its eyes rolled back, and it went limp.

I released the sake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.

Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot.  It was that damn snake…with two more frogs.

I’m thinking I’d have to set up the video camera and then just wait and see what happens.

 

 

And with that intriguing picture, we’re going to call it a day.  May you all have a wonderful week, until we meet again.

Cheers!

Good Morning Campers,

Still plenty of work keeping me busy, so what do you say we get right to the laughs?

‘SELL BY’ DATES ARE (MOSTLY) A BUNCH OF BS

All they do is make you throw away perfectly good food.

Americans waste a ton of food: Roughly 50 percent of all produce in the U.S. is thrown away. That’s about 60 million tons (or $160 billion worth) of produce annually, according to a report published in The Guardian. Even more shocking, that amount constitutes roughly “one-third of all foodstuffs” in America. This problem expands beyond America, too: Approximately one-third of food produced for human consumption in the world is also lost or wasted.

So why are we throwing away so much food? One reason is that the majority of Americans have absolutely no clue what “sell by” labels are trying to tell them, which often encourages overcautious consumers to throw away perfectly good food.

To clear up any confusion, Dana Hunnes, senior dietitian at the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center, helped us figure out the real meaning of “sell by” dates. “The ‘sell by’ date is aimed at retailers, and it informs them of the date the product should be sold or removed from the shelf,” Hunnes explains. “The sell-by date does not mean the product is unsafe to consume after that date.” In other words, the “sell by” date isn’t aimed at consumers at all — we simply pay attention to them, because manufacturers haven’t done a good job of clearly labeling our food.

The only reason manufacturers stick these labels on their food is actually to protect the reputation of their products — they want consumers to see and consume their food right as it reaches peak freshness and taste. According to the Institute of Food Technologists, in fact, one-third of a product’s shelf-life remains after the “sell by” date.

This, naturally, leaves us with the same basic question: How long is food safe to eat after passing its “sell by” date?

Dana Gunders, food scientist at the National Resource Defense Council and author of the Waste-Free Kitchen Handbook, previously recommended using your senses as a guide: “If it looks bad, tastes bad and smells bad, don’t eat it,” she explained. “However, if it looks fine, tastes fine and smells fine, you’re probably okay.”

Hunnes provides some more precise suggestions, but adds that hard-and-fast rules are tough to pinpoint when it comes to the freshness of food:

• Meat: One to three days beyond the “sell by” date
• Dairy: One week beyond the “sell by” date
• Eggs: One month beyond the “sell by” date
• Bread: One week (or two to three weeks in the fridge) beyond the “sell by” date

Canned foods and frozen foods last even longer, according to nutritionist David Friedman, author of Food Sanity: How to Eat in a World of Fads and Fiction: “Items from the freezer section of the supermarket are safe to eat indefinitely, although you may want to discard them if you see freezer burns,” he explains. “High-acid canned foods, like tomatoes and citrus fruits, will keep for up to two years past the ‘sell by’ date, and low-acid canned goods — vegetables, meat and fish — will last up to six years past the ‘sell by’ date.”

This handy website also has a massive database of food products and their shelf life.

At the end of the day, the only foods you should absolutely avoid eating past their “sell by” dates are deli meats, unpasteurized dairy products, ready-to-eat refrigerated foods and hot dogs and sausages that aren’t fully cooked. That’s because these foods may harbor listeria, which can grow under refrigeration (unlike most bacteria).

Otherwise, you’re better off paying more attention to your nose than any “sell by” date. “There’s no better judge as to whether food is rotten than the olfactory test,” Friedman emphasizes. “It should smell fresh without an unusual or unpleasant odor of any kind.” If it does, dig in while flipping off the “sell by” date for nearly deceiving you out of a perfectly good meal.

Yeah, that would bother me, too.  What about the damn leopards?

 

 

My housekeeping style is best described as “There appears to have been a struggle.”

The older I get, the meaner I get.  I’m pretty sure it won’t be long before I start biting people.

This is CRAZY!!!!  Just because it happened in England makes no difference.  I know plenty of places in the US that have the same feelings.  But, to go this far is…unbelievable.
Paramedics appalled by angry note left by resident
UK news
Members of the West Midlands Ambulance Service in the UK were left upset and angered after finding a note on their vehicle while responding to an emergency medical run.

From what some of the articles said, the Paramedics suffered a ton of verbal abuse as well.  Yeah, the Golden Rule is definitely in affect here.

I seriously doubt it.  Truly.

I just LOVE the memes with little kids.

A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love.

The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, “I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”

The frog asks for the good news first.

The fortune teller says, “You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you and will want to know all about you. She will want you to open up for her and you will give her your heart.”

“That’s great!” says the frog. “But what’s the bad news?”

“Well, you’re going to meet her in Biology class.”

The Next Couple of Jokes are from K2 to my Dad, Papa Dragon Most Senior…

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

If you find you do not mind playing Golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip …….. your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

A ‘gimme‘ can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers … neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the ‘gimme putt’, you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage, If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.

David Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex…

#10… A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09… You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08… It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07.. Foursomes are encouraged.
#06… You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05… Three times a day is possible.
#04… Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03…. If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#02… You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex…..

#01… When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

Thanks Karl!

Four men were discussing coincidences at a bar. The first man said: “My wife was reading a Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins.”

“That’s funny”, the second man remarked. “My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and she gave birth to triplets”

“My goodness,” the third man chimed in. “The same happened to me. My wife had quintuplets after reading The Five People You Meet in Heaven.”

The fourth man shouted, now looking quite ill, “Good God, I have to rush home!”

When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed,

“When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!!”