Well, here’s an older header. All the way back from 2011. That’s 7 years ago. Cool, huh? Back near the beginning of when we first became a dot com. A simpler time in some ways and in others a very tough time in my life.
Right after 911 I lost my job. I was working as a restaurant manager, Izzy dragon was born on Sept 10th, yup, the day before and one month later I was downsized. See, after 911, people stopped spending money because they were scared. Restaurants rely on customers and if no one comes in, they have to cut costs. So, the company I worked for went into every one of their restaurants and “downsized” the most expensive manager. You know, the one that had been with them the longest, the most loyal.
But, even though I was unemployed, I think it was an easier time than it is now. In the long run, the company did me a huge favor. I got out of the rat race of the restaurant and eventually ended up with the job I have now, that I really like. I just wish times were a little easier.
Anyway, whatta you say we get to some laughter?
So, this one falls under the category of “Oldie, but Goodie”
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.
“I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the Guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.
“I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way in time, but failed, and was hit and killed by the chest.”
The clerk couldn’t help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologises and says, “I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.”
“I don’t know,” replies the man.
“Picture this, I’m buck naked hiding in this cedar chest ….”
Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you’re broke?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you believe them but, if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check?
Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try?
How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a playoff hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make.
She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match.
On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, “I can’t believe you missed that putt!” “That putt was no longer than my ‘willy’.”
The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, “yes dear, but it was much harder!”
This one is really good for a cellphone background.
It’s true. I swear it’s true. I have documented proof that it’s true. Honestly. You can trust me.
A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks ( she’s no dummy), ‘I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.’
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, ‘Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!’
I went fishing this morning, but after a short while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. Its eyes rolled back, and it went limp.
I released the sake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.
Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that damn snake…with two more frogs.
I’m thinking I’d have to set up the video camera and then just wait and see what happens.
And with that intriguing picture, we’re going to call it a day. May you all have a wonderful week, until we meet again.