Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Gentle Campers,

For those of you who’ve wondered what my camping space looks like … nah, I’m just borrowing this one.  There’s a couple of hippie girls wandering around somewhere that will be back shortly, we’ll be relaxing on this Sunday and getting our chill on.  I “highly” recommend this for the rest of you.  Today is the day to sit back, relax, chill out, and just do your best to unwind.  “…and he rested on the seventh day…” although we arbitrarily decided that this day is the seventh day and is called Sunday and yes, I know I took that quote out of context, the implication being that we have had to work (or toil) to rest from, but we’re wandering WAY outside the box here!! Just chill out today campers and enjoy yourselves!  Sheesh!

Okay, so it’s Sunday.  Do your thing.  Whatever it is that you do to relax.  The whole R&R&R that we discussed last week. (Rest & Relaxation & Recharging) or the I&I that was also suggested (Intoxication & Intercourse) although that last one dates back to the Vietnam War, but you can still use it if you like … and who wouldn’t like? 

So, all this talk of resting, relaxing, hippies, and Vietnam has thrown us into a 1960’s mode, so….

Marijuana is legal.
Haircuts are not.
It took fifty years, but the hippies have finally won.

One of the best movie in the whole world for quotes!

A man was told his hair piece would cost 25 dollars …
It was a small price toupee.

A drunk goes to court.  The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.”  The drunk says, “Great.  Let’s get started.”

And we’re watching every fucking move you make, bitch!

My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”

Wife: “Whatever means necessary.”

Me: “No it doesn’t.”

There may have been gunshots heard at that point.

I organized a threesome last night … there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.

Twelve Rules for Seniors

#1  Talk to yourself.  There are times you need expert advice.
#2  “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
#3  You don’t need anger management.  You need people to stop pissing you off.
#4  Your people skills are just fine.  It’s your tolerance for idiots that needs a little work.
#5  The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don’t need to write that down.  I’ll remember it.”
#6  “On time” is when you get there.
#7  Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8  It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
#9  Lately, you’ve noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10  Growing old should have taken longer.  (No Shit!!)
#11  Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn’t shut you up.
#12  You still haven’t learned to act your age, and hope you never will.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

In the memo field of all your checks, write, “For Marijuana”

Lockdown can only go four ways.  You’ll come out a monk, a hunk, a chunk, or a drunk.  Choose Wisely!

I was offered sex today with a Victoria’s Secret model.  In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner here on Dragon Laffs.  Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards and strong willpower.  Just as strong as Ajax®, the incredibly strong bathroom cleanser.  Nov available in lemon scent and vanilla.

That sounds like an awesome plan to me!

I’ve reached that age where my brain goes from “You probably shouldn’t say that” to “What the hell, let’s see what happens.”

No!  No!  That’s just fucking wrong!  Go boo somebody else!  Do be a hater!

Aussie Pete, you are just wrong, dude!

No way!  I’m not ready for that, shit!

Okay, I’m good!

And with that, we’ll call this one complete!  Hope you had a nice relaxing day.

Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Most Glorious and Awe Inspiring Campers,

Saturday morning for you.  Friday morning for me and I took the day off today.  Why?  Cause I just don’t feel like working today.  I actually feel like crap and it all has to do with the damn weather and getting old I think.  I was cold and wet and rainy,  now it’s warm and wet and rainy  and if the weather doesn’t figure out what it wants to do and stay there me and Mother Nature … wait … we did that once all ready … and that didn’t work out real well, did it? 

Damn.

Never mind.

Tell you how crappy it’s been.  The header picture for today, the background, that’s actually my afternoon sky from yesterday afternoon.  Yup.  The little greenery in the lower left hand corner?  The tops of trees.  I know, right.  Pure, crap for weather.  And today…it’s even drearier out, if you can believe that.

So yeah.  Screw it.  Taking the day off.  Gonna sit here with you guys.  Tell some stories.  Got a text message from Stephanie yesterday that reminded me of the Jersey Devil so I’m going to try and dredge up that story later.  But for now, let’s get this party started with some laughter, shall we?

Aussie Peter…you worry me, brother.

Remember the game of Cooties when you were a kid?

Welcome to the adult version.

Of all the things I learned in Grade School, how to avoid Cooties was the last one I expected to use.

Okay, that’s two Cooties references in a row!  No other ezine in the WORLD is going to do THAT for you!!!

Remember “Click it or Ticket”?

Morons hated seatbelts but it saved lives!

Maybe we’ll start “Mask it or Casket” for same reason?

I told my suitcases that there will be no vacation this year.

Now, I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

Seems my going out clothes missed me as much as I missed wearing them.

I can feel them hugging me very tightly and not letting go.  So much love almost takes my breath away, literally!

My housekeeping style is best described as …

there appears to have been a struggle.

I’m having a quarantine party this weekend!

None of you are invited.

BENEFITS OF A GOOD VOCABULARY!

I recently called an old engineering buddy of mine and asked what he was working on these days.

He replied that he was working on, “Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel under a constrained environment.”

I was impressed until, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife’s supervision.

Can You Believe This Shit: Netflix was responsible for 15% of all Global Internet Traffic in 2018.  That is a shit load of electrons!

And did you also friggin’ know: That the Amazon River was named by a Spanish Conquistador named Francisco de Orellana because he fought with tribes of female warriors who reminded him of the Greek mythological Amazon warriors. 

Jerry

Diesel engines were developed in Germany during the 2nd world war and they were designed to run on vegetable oil so they wouldn’t be dependent on petroleum from other countries. Americans changed the engines to burn diesel fuel.

Thanks for that Jerry, for those of you who remember (and those of you who don’t) that is in reference to the conversation we had the other day about the guy I knew who converted his truck the other way, back to burning vegetable oil and every time he started it up, it smelled like McDonald’s French Fries….shit …  now I got those things on my mind again.  But, back to the conversation…that’s really interesting to know, Jerry, that it started off as vegetable oil and was changed over to diesel.  Thanks for the comment and thanks for the info.

Cheers.

Bill

I think that “Political Correctness” is going a bit too far.
The receptionist at the doctor’s office announced “because of the new privacy rules, we are no longer allowed to reveal patients names. Would the lady with the hemorrhoids please come in now”.

Yeah, things are going a bit too far.  I think it’s time to find a new doctor, Bill.  Thanks for sharing.

Cheers.

Stephanie sent me this text message last night:

Still can’t respond to the Laffs.  In response to Peter, I purchase a candy for my grandchildren that is called Yowie.  It’s a thinly chocolate covered hollow egg.  Inside is a plastic replica of an endangered animal.  They are very cool. 

Now, the Jersey Devil.  My ex-father-in-law used to live in New Jersey.  Claimed he had a place on a couple acres of woodland.  Had a wolfhound that he would chain to the doghouse at the back of the property.  Said one night the dog was howling, yelping, frantic.  He got his rifle and by the time he could get to the door, the wolfhound had drug his doghouse up to the porch and he was still scared wailing.  Years later he moved away.  Loaded up a U-Haul and headed out.  Said he began to hear noised .  Like stuff was being thrown around.  Looked in the rear view and saw the U-Haul rocking.  He pulled over and heard the doors being crashed open.  When he got to the back, doors were torn open, furniture was broken and in disarray.  Also he claimed it was a most horrible scent.

Aussie Peter, I thought you made the Yowie sound mean and horrible, not a kids candy, so … I’m not really sure where to go with that one.  But this is a great segue to talk about the Jersey Devil.

In what is now, Leeds Point, New Jersey, in what was then 1735, Mother Leeds, whose husband was a drunkard and was gone more than he was there, was pregnant with her 13th child.  Her husband made no effort to take care of any of the children and Mother Leeds was tired of it and in a fit of exasperation raised her hands to the heavens and stated that the devil could take this child!

Well, as nature would have it, Mother Leeds went into labor a few months later and upon the birth of the “child” it changed into a horrible beast.  The newborn baby changed before her and the mid-wives’ eyes.  It grew quickly, sprouted horns from the top of its head, wings sprang from it’s back, with claws on the ends of it’s hands.  Feathers and hair sprouted all over its body and its eyes began to glow bright red.  It attacked and killed its mother and then tore the mid-wives limb from limb, screaming and shrieking while the father and other 12 children sat huddled in the other room.

The monster than crashed through the door and attacked it’s siblings and father, killing as many as it could before the few survivors watched as in horror as it tore through the chimney, destroying it on its way out.  The creature made good its escape into the Pine Barrens of South Jersey where it makes its home to this day.

The thing with the Jersey Devil is that over the almost 300 years, there have been many, many documented witnesses from many respectable members of society including police officers, clergy members, and military members.  Including multiple witnesses at a time.  And the most agreed upon image:

 Which goes back many, many years.  And that’s not a bad story for coming off the top of my head.

Now, back to the funny stuff.

Well, I can say that yes, I’ve probably been that angry, but no, I’ve never tackled a horse.

Again, yes to the first, no to the second.

I’m going with a hard no to both of those.

I did drop a mountain on a village once, does that count?

No, never in anger…well…there was this one time …

And if you need that one explained to you, leave now and never, ever come back!

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

It turns out that when you’re asked who your favorite child is, you’re expected to pick from your own.  I know that now.

Today I’m not gonna be an asshole, I’m gonna be nice.

Stop laughing you fuckers, it could happen.

Told my wife I wanted to be cremated.  She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

So…these murder hornets, do you send them a list of names or what?  How’s that work?

Fucking –A-Tweedy!  I don’t see any blood, looks like he got off easy.

Oh Dear Lord, you had to know what you looked like when you left the house, how can you possibly go out this way?

Thanks to all the farmers!  There are so many things we wouldn’t have without you.  Like, just about everything.

And that’s it for today.  I hope you enjoyed my offerings.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Greetings Campers Extraordinaire One and All,

It’s Friday for you, Thursday for me and I’m tired.  I need lots and lots of coffee.  Had to go out to the base this morning, that was an interesting trip.  I won’t say it was a waste of time, because, of course it was nice to get out of the house, but… yeah … you get it.

Anyway, not much else going on around here.  Supposed to be windy and rainy between now and Sunday.  At least it’s supposed to warm up so that will be a nice change.  I can’t believe this is actually May with as cold as it’s been.  Frost warnings and freeze warnings and the like.  Oh well.  It’s like they say here in Indiana (and in so many other places, I’m sure), if you don’t like the weather, wait a minute.

And with that dear campers, let’s get on our way to funnier things, shall we?

For those of you too young to know what that is, it’s a Singer Sewing Machine.  Sheesh!

You don’t really realize how old you are until you sit your ass on the floor and then try to get back up.

Boy, ain’t THAT the truth!

Honey, it’s the same for all women.

People should seriously stop expecting normal from me.

We all know it’s NEVER going to happen.

Paddy was selling his pet python on ebay.

Some bloke rang him up and asked, “Is it big?”

Paddy said, “Massive.”

The blokes says, “How many feet?”

Paddy replies, “None.  It’s a snake, ya feckin’ eeijit!”

Hmm, that’s the size I’ve been buying for years.

The Shopping Cart Theory of Humanity

The shopping cart is the ultimate litmus test for whether a person is capable of self-governing.

To return a shopping cart to either the grocery store or a cart corral is an easy, convenient task and one which we all recognize as the correct, appropriate thing to do.  To return the shopping cart is objectively right.  There are no situations, other than dire emergencies, in which a person is not able to return their cart.

Simultaneously, it is not illegal to abandon your shopping cart.  No one will punish you for not returning the shopping cart, no one will fine you or kill you for not returning the shopping cart, you gain nothing by returning the shopping cart.  You must return the shopping cart out of the goodness of your own heart.  You must return the shopping cart because it is the right thing to do.  Because it is correct.

Therefore the shopping caret presents itself as the apex example of whether a person will do what is right without being force to do it.

A person who is unable to do this is no better than an animal, an absolute savage, unfit to interact with proper humans, who can only be made to what is right by threatening them with a law and the force and punishment that stands behind it.

The Shopping Cart is what determines whether a person is a good or bad member of society.

I fully and whole-heartedly agree and believe this.  And you can see this in action in any grocery store parking lot.  Aldi in my neck of the woods actually makes you put a quarter in the slot to get a cart and if you want your quarter back you have to bring the cart back because there are so many “bad” members of society out there.  It does my heart good to see so many people who leave their quarters in the slot so the next person doesn’t have to dig for one to get a cart, but I wonder how many people take the quarter when they bring the cart back, instead of paying it forward, not having paid a quarter to begin with?  How many other litmus tests are out there, if we look for them?  Holding the door for someone; Helping an elderly person when we can; We used to call these things be polite, but aren’t they really doing something that we should be doing, even though we really don’t have to do them?

The next time you go to the grocery store, look around the edges of the parking lot and see how many carts are not where they’re supposed to be.

I’m on my second Guardian Angel.  My first one quit and is now in therapy.

Since hockey has been cancelled, no one has seen the Zamboni Driver.

But I’m sure he will resurface eventually.

Am I the only one who thinks that America has become one giant Jerry Springer show?

Just saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We Treat You Like Family!”

Yup, NOT going in there!

The lawyer is going home after a days worth of work and he noticed there’s a guy in the median on all fours eating grass.

He stops, backs up, rolls his window down and says ”what the hell are you doing?” And the guy says “I’ve exhausted my welfare and I’ve been reduced to eating grass!” The lawyer rolls his window up and thinks about it for a minutes, then opens his door and says, “get in…you’re coming home with me“.

The guy gets in and says “I sure appreciate that! I been eating grass there all day and nobody stopped to help me out!”

The lawyer says “you’re gonna LOVE my place!” He holds his hand up to his neck and says, “my grass is about this fucking high!”

Elvis Costello and Abba are touring together this summer, but they haven’t figured out who the headliner will be.
So, watch for Abba and Costello to find out who’s on first.

And if you don’t get THAT joke, you might have to ask your grandparents.

Thanks to Lynn for sending this one.  We have these little guys here in Indiana, not like they do in some other places, but we do have them.  And yes, please ignore them!  They are NOT user friendly.  Back when I was a cop on base, I was the desk sergeant one night and we left the back door open cause it was hot and we used to step out there to smoke.  Anyway, this baby Opossum wondered in and I didn’t realize it until I heard him behind me.  I figured no big deal, I’d just herd him back out the door.  Oh HELL no!  Long story short, 3 patrol units, 2 broken chairs, numerous scratched pieces of furniture, walls and carpeting later and this demon spawn from the ninth level of hell was finally evicted from the building.  And it was a BABY!  I’m so glad this was before cell phones were as prevalent as they are now.

So this next one is really, really cool.  Thanks to John S. for sharing.

 Remember The Ventures, a rock band from the 50’s and 60’s and their original 17-year-old drummer who left after 8 months and went into the Air Force? 

        Now a four-star General, he came back to play with them again, in uniform.
   This is pretty cool and will start the day with a smile.

https://www.stumptownblogger.com/2012/04/what-a-cool-video.html?cid=6a010536b86d36970c0163050cd62f970d

Brought a tear to my eye. 

Nope, it’s not Halloween, but we’re in the H’s so we get what we get ..

I’m really, really detecting a theme here…

Trying to remember if I put that Adult Content warning up top…

How many believe that this is ending in 2 weeks and your life is back to normal?

Raise your hand.

Now slap yourself with it.

Okay, I gotta go check on Guido, cause I just got a message from Donnie G…

Donnie Grimes

I just came back to the fire pit. Guido will be along as soon as he fetches himself out of the stream.

That’s pretty impressive.  You guys have seen Guido.  He’s no slouch.  That means we gotta be nicer to Donnie?  Nah.  We just gotta make sure we have a bit more running room and aren’t that close to the stream.

LOL!

Thanks Donnie!

And I got this one from Leah…

Leah D

So, I got curious, and looked it up https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jQjDsDYKmE&feature=youtu.be

Sure enough, that spirit animal pig is true!

Thanks for doing the leg work … or um … internet work (?) there Leah.  It’s nice to know that the silly stuff, at least some of it, that is sent to us is based on fact.

It’s okay to be white.
It’s okay to be black.
It’s okay to be straight.
It’s okay to be gay.
It’s okay to be YOU!

But it’s NEVER okay to stop at a yellow light when we both could’ve made it through, bitch!

I’m so friggin’ bored, I think I’ll go knock on a Jehovah’s Witness door and talk to them about the power of sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

Masks are apparently the new bra …

They’re uncomfortable, you only wear them in public, and when you don’t wear one, everyone notices.

On a scale of 1 to 1984, how free do you feel wearing a muzzle while you’re walking around the grocery store following directions taped to the floor?

A man asked his wife, “What would you do if I won the lottery?”

She replied, “I’d take half and leave you.”

“Great!” He said, “I won $12.  Here’s $6.  Stay in touch.”

I wonder if that would work for me in MOPP gear.  That could be great fun!  Although, in my neighborhood, I’d probably get shot by the second house.

My wife sent me a text that said, “Your great”

So, naturally, I wrote back, “No, you’re great”

She’s been walking around all day happy and smiling.

Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or just leave it?

Okay, I got this next one….

And I thought…wait a minute…

So yeah, I’m a bit of a nerd and I just spent the last 2 hours building a spread sheet and doing the math and here’s the totals for the WHOLE country, cause like, it’s easy to pick and choose states to make the numbers do what you want them to do.  Cause New York and New Jersey are like the top two hot spots in the country right now.  As a matter of fact, all four of the top spots are on the democrat side, now I’m not saying that’s anything, just saying that’s going to skew the numbers.  When you take the country as a whole…

Republican Population: 330,598,305
Democrat Population: 315,258,876
Relatively close

Republican Cases: 1,388,838
Democrat Cases: 1,367,581
Again, relatively close with the Republican’s ahead by about the same margin as the population, which makes perfect sense!

Republican Deaths: 84,051
Democrat Deaths: 83,257
And yet again, close and within the margins.

And all the percentages bear out as well.

The state with the least number of deaths is Wyoming with only 7 (Republican Governor) But the states with the lowest percentage of death per capita there are 4 of them that are tied at 1/10 of 1% of the population of the state dying:
Montana (Democrat)
Alaska (Republican)
Wyoming (Republican)
Hawaii (Democrat)

Now, the 4 states with the lowest number of people dying compared to the number of people who have the virus are:
Nebraska
Utah
South Dakota
Wyoming
All Republican – but I don’t think that really means anything, although the top 8 spots in that category are taken up by Republican Governors…so maybe it does. 

So yes, I’m a nerd.  But, I’m a radical nerd.  And one someone tries to fuck with numbers to prove a point it pisses me off.  Numbers don’t lie.  Liars lie.  So, don’t be a lying liar who lies. 

Okay, a couple more and we’ll call it a day.

Okay, okay, I see a theme developing here.  Let’s cut this off right now.

And with that’s we’re going to call it a day.

Be well, be safe, be happy, be lively, but most of all, be back tomorrow for another issue of your favorite ezine.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Thirsty Thursday.  This Thursday, May 14th, is especially thirsty.  Do you know why?  Because on this day in history, in 1607 to be exact, the English colonists established the first permanent English settlement in America at Jamestown.  Now, they didn’t call it America at the time, but still…it was.  Unbeknownst to them, they landed amidst the worst drought in 800 years!  And it’s been Thirsty Thursday ever since!!!

Bet you didn’t know THAT little factoid!

Actually, May 14, 1607 was a Monday, but let’s not let that ruin a perfectly good factoid.

Do you know what else happened on this day in history?  Not a damn thing.  So that brings to a close this little history lesson and ruins a perfectly good opening cause I got nothin’ else.  But let’s get the warnings and disclaimers out of the way

So, without anything else, let’s get to the stuff you really came here for…

I was going to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.

Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world, there’s an idiot pulling on a door that says “Push”

I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.

I’ve made from the bed to the couch.

There’s no stopping me now.

How to Frighten a Millennial:

Put them in a room with a rotary phone, an analog clock, an old typewriter, and a TV with no remote (you can add rabbit ears for fun).  Then leave them directions for all of the above in cursive.

Let’s pause here for a second and do a little tribute to Bob Hope.  If you don’t know who he is, ask your parents.  His birthday isn’t until May 29th, but this was sent to me and it touched me enough that I wanted to use it and I was afraid that with everything going on with me right now I would lose it between now and then and didn’t want that to happen, so I decided using it now was better than not using it at all.  I think that jjpvii translates to John S, if I remember correctly (my rememberer is not what it used to be) so thanks for sharing this with me.

Bob Hope: May 29, 1903 to July 27, 2003

On his deathbed they asked him where he wanted to be buried…

Bob Hope replied: “Surprise me.”

ON TURNING 70 – “I still chase women, but only downhill.”

ON TURNING 80 – “That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.”

ON TURNING 90 – “You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

ON TURNING 100 – ” I don’t feel old. In fact, I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.”

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER (BOXING) – “I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.”

ON GOLF – “Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.”

ON PRESIDENTS – “I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six.”

ON WHY HE CHOOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER – “When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.”

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL – “I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.”

ON HIS FAMILY’S EARLY POVERTY – “Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.”

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS – “That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.”

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES – “I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff the audience threw at me”

ON GOING TO HEAVEN – “I have done benefits for ALL religions. I would hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.”

Dear Lord –
Please give me a sense of humor,
give me the grace to see a joke,
to get some humor out of life,
and pass it on to other folk.

Just a little bit of information for those of you don’t  know.  For the first cartoon.  Bob Hope was the king of the USO tours, making 57 tours for the USO between 1941 and 1991.  He was declared an honorary veteran of the U.S. Armed Forces in 1997 by an act of the United States Congress.  He did so many of them and made so many GIs laugh that when he died they said the GIs would be waiting for him at the Pearly Gates.  And the second cartoon is a reference to the 7 “Road Movies” that he did with Bing Crosby, who was born the same year as Bob, but died 26 years earlier.  Oddly enough, while Bob was doing the USO tours, Bing was heavily involved in Armed Forces Radio Service during World War II.

Can anyone tell me who played Forest Gump?
T. hanks

Bought a dog from a blacksmith yesterday, got him home and the first thing he did was make a bolt for the door.

One day a man was walking home.  He noticed by the local abbey a line of men a block long.  He joined the line and asked “Whats going on?”  A young man answered “20 dollars and you can screw a nun.”

So the man waited his turn.  Paid the usher and was greeted by a young nun.

They walked through the abbey and talked lightly.  She showed him a door and asked “If you go through that door, I’ll be right there.”

So he went through the door and found himself in the alley.  He asked another man in the alley “What’s the big deal!  I’m supposed to get screwed by a num!”  He answered “You just did.”

No kidding!  Proofreading anyone?

On a dare, a friend wanted to see how long it would take me to disassemble and eat a clock.

It was very time consuming.

Next time you expect a toddler or child to share, just remember how adults acted in 2020 over groceries.

I told myself that I should stop
DRINKING
but I’m not about to listen to a drunk that talks to himself.

Got another email from our bother down under.  Peter from Deception Bay.  He entitled his email More Aussie Monsters:

As well as the dreaded DROP BEAR , we Aussies have two more deadly creatures that inhabit the bush here……..

The  BUNYIP  and the  YOWIE.

The YOWIE is closely related to the BIGFOOT  but the BUNYIP is exclusively Australian.

I’ve attached a couple of items about these cute critters for your reading pleasure.

Keep smiling mate.    Aussie Pete.

And here are those pictures he sent our way:

Okay Pete, one of these days I’m going to have to break out the article I wrote a couple of years ago about a beastie from where I grew up called the Jersey Devil…if I can find it amongst my files.  It’s been a while.  But, we have our legends, too.  LOL!

Thanks for the email, brother!

In this episode of Motivational Posters we do lots of things with guns, guns, and more guns (we are in the Gs, after all) we go to the gym and end with a haircut.  It should be fun!

And another episode come and gone.  Tune in tomorrow for more Motivational or Demotivational Posters…<sound of applause>

A guy is at the airport bar, and a good looking lady in a flight uniform comes in and sits down 2 stools away. He’s thinking he will chat her up, using company slogans. “Something special in the air?” She hardly looks at him. Hmm, doesn’t work for Delta he thinks. So he says”love to fly, and it shows? She looks at him with contempt. Hmmm, doesn’t work for United he thinks. “I’d love to fly your friendly skies” he says. She turns to him and says, “look asshole. What the fuck do you want?” “Oh”, he says, “you work for Air Canada!”

Bill Clinton is jogging around the track, and says to his aide, “when I get home…I’m going to RIP Hillary’s panties off!” “Really?” says the aide. “Fuckin rights!” Bill says, “they’re riding up the crack of my ass!”

For those weddings cancelled due to COVID-19: God is giving you a second chance to think about it.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Modesto, California, in the California wine country. Webcam footage from a Cherokee Freight Lines tanker truck shows our bozo pull in front of the big rig, with his hazard flashers on, directing the driver to pull over. The trucker stops, thinking he has a mechanical problem. And that’s when things got weird. Really weird. Bozo Gabriel Montez, clad only in his underwear, jumps out of his car and runs to the back of the truck, disappearing from the driver’s view. The trucker decides the best thing to do is get out of there so he pulls back onto the freeway. With the truck now back up to speed, our bozo reappears, climbing on the side of the truck. Hanging on for dear life, our bozo positions himself near the bottom of the tanker and opens up a valve. Suddenly, the trucks cargo of red wine begins flowing out and our bozo sticks his face into the stream and gulps down as much as possible. The driver called the cops and our now drunken bozo was placed under arrest but not before the truck lost about 1000 gallons of red wine, most of it ending up on the highway. Cheers!

I have to check on some friends to see if they’ve been locked up in Modesto, California.

Yup, it’s time to do some of this…

Bill

There are three stages of aging:
1. Youth
2. Middle age
3. “You’re looking very well”.
BTW, you are looking very well.

Yup.  I understand that completely.  You are quite right and I understand that completely.

Leah D

We have a Lays Potato chip factory close to us. Every time I drive by there, I have to go buy fries! They ought to be charging McDonald’s for the advertising..

That cracked me up!  I had a guy I used to work with who had converted his truck to burn old fryer grease.  I’m not sure how he did it, but when he used to start his truck up, it always smelled like that!  Always made me think of McDonald’s.  You just bought me way back, dear.  Now I need to think of something I need to run out for, so I can have an excuse to also run through the drive-thru.  Damn!

Did you know: (or Holy Shit!) Experiments have shown that it takes less than a tenth of a second to develop a first impression.

Dammit, I can’t get them out of my head!

Maybe I need gas…or milk…or bread…or something.

What’s the old saying?  If it moves and it’s not supposed to use duct tape, if it doesn’t move and it is supposed to, use WD-40.  The only two tools you ever really need in your tool box.

(I’m fucking ignoring you, dammit!)
And I always heard one more, that if a hammer doesn’t fix it, you have an electrical problem.
(Now, go the hell away!)

Now there’s a welcoming sight!

Well, that’s if for me for today.  I find that I suddenly have to run some errands.  Get some milk, some bread, some gas for the car, things like that.  So yeah, have a great day and all that.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon!

(Damn you McDonalds!)

Good Morning Campers,

Hump Day!  Half-way through the week!  If we make it through today, it’s all downhill from here!  There’s something special about Wednesdays … something … almost magical …. like, if you push … just the littlest bit … the week is almost over and you are at the weekend.  It’s the magical tipping point of the work week.  The cusp of the week.  The fulcrum to the balance.  The teeter to the totter. 

But sadly, that still leaves half the week to get through and to do that, we’ll still have to laugh, so all in favor of getting to the laughter part, say aye…

Seems the ayes have it.

No, I’m not going to ask for opposing votes.

No, this isn’t a democracy nor are Roberts rules in effect.  This is a campground and my rules are in effect and if you don’t like it, go somewhere else.  In fact, Bailiff…Hey!  Bailiff!  Someone wake Guido up!  There you go, Bailiff, escort this miscreant to the stream and toss him in for good measure.  Sure, you can let him back in after he’s dunked, all are welcome. 

Now, for the rest of us,

Pharmacist to a customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription.  Simply showing your marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough. 

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?”

The woman replied, “My husband’s checkbook!”

 

Why is this witch still in office?  How can she possibly still keep getting legally voted in?

It is cool to be a dragon…but you can’t just wish for it.  You have to be born to it.  And it’s not near as easy as it looks.  It’s hard work…but yeah…it is cool.

Now there’s a saying I’m going to have to remember.

I want to be a caterpillar. 

Eat a lot.

Sleep for a while.

Wake up beautiful.

Yeah kids, and I’m not gonna help you figure it out.

BRAINS ARE AWESOME!

I WISH EVERYBODY HAD ONE.

A Police Officer came to my house and asked where I was between 5 and 6.  He seemed irritated when I answered, “Kindergarten.”

I often wonder who Pete is and why we do things for his sake…

If STUPIDITY was a disability…

I know a few people who would get monthly checks.

Here’s an oldie, but goodie from James C.

The guy Is sitting in the bar all by himself… like there’s no one else in there, it’s just him and the bartender. He’s drinking a beer having a few beer nuts, And a voice says, “hey man, have you been working out? you’re really looking buff!”

He looks around, no, nobody else in there so he goes back to eating his nuts and drinking his beer.

Soon somebody says to him, “hey.,,who does your hair? your hair is really looking good!”

Looks down at the bartender and says, “are you playing some kind of joke on me? because I keep hearing somebody talking to me!”

The bartender says “it’s the nuts“, and the guy says “Huh?” The bartender says, “it’s the nuts, they’re complementary!”

And another one…same thing from the same guy…

Guy walks into the bar and orders 12 tequilas all in a row. The bartender sets them up and the guy just starts belting them down one after another.

Bartender says “slow down goddamnit! we don’t drink like that around here…there must be something wrong with you…what’d ya got?”

And the guy says, “I don’t know… maybe two….three bucks!”

Thanks James!!

A District Attorney was having trouble with a witness, a pugnacious old man. 

“Do you know any of the jury?”  The old man said, “More than half.” 

The DA asks, “Are you willing to swear that you know more than half of them?” 

The old guy quickly glances at the jury box, then drawled,” I’m willing to swear I know more than all of them put together.”

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place, but you then realize you were looking at the wrong screen and actually crashing into walls?

That’s adulthood.

The REAL Murder Hornets

 

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and they could never return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.” The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.” The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.” “Why so much?” asked the interviewer. The lawyer replied, “You convince them I’m the best candidate. I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”

If your wife is irritated, it’s probably because she hasn’t seen her boyfriend since the lockdown.

That makes good sense.

Whew!  Thank God it’s near the Texas border.  They’ll be gone and part of somebody’s BBQ in no time!

Don’t be afraid to cut people off. ~ Lorena Bobbitt

(If you don’t get it, look it up)

Oh Great!  Now this!…

Coronavirus found in semen of COVID-19 survivors; sexual transmission unclear, study says

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/coronavirus-mens-semen-survivors-sexual-transmission-covid-19/

So, it’s a study from China…on six men…out of a group of 38 who provided samples.  The six men included four who were still infected and two who were recovering.  Read the article, I’m sorry, but I’m not sure what to believe if it comes out of China.  They lied about so many things about this virus and we still don’t know what’s the truth.

And it’s chasing Wonder Woman.  That can’t be good.

I just wanna feel wanted by someone other than the police.

That’s mine during a thunderstorm

“Stop eating out, cook at home, and you will lose weight.”

After two months of quarantine, we can now say for sure that this is a lie.

I love the look on that dog’s face!!

Simple Math Problem:
If John has $300 and Natasha smiles at him, how much will John have??

Did you know: (Or…You’ve got to be fucking kidding me) In 1916, two sisters, Augusta and Adeline Van Buren became the first women to travel across the United States on two solo motorcycles.  Despite the fact that they were stopped numerous times for illegally wearing pants!

Two letters from Leah…and we’ll take them one at a time…

Leah D.

I’m doing fine! Why did you ask?
I forget . . . . what were you asking?

It’s okay…it was a test…and…well, let’s say you were on the left side of the curve.

Leah D.

So I’m enjoying this issue of Dragon Laffs, when a swallow flies in my open door. Instead of turning back to the fully open door, it heads for a tiny window, for it sees some light behind the curtains covering it. Then keeps bashing his head against the answer that goes no where.
I called to my husband, “Don! We have a conspiracy nut making a lot of noise, you need to get it out of here!”
They don’t call ’em ‘swallows’ for nothing.

I’m really quite unsure where to go with this one.  There are some obvious one-liners that me, being the gentleman-dragon that I am will go past, then there is the whole conspiracy thing that, I believe, should also be ignored, if for no other reason, then the whole lack of evidentiary foundation built into your argument.  But lastly, I think we should all just feel mostly sorry for Don.  But, I am glad you were enjoying your issue of Dragon Laffs and don’t mind us poking just a tiny bit of fun at you in the process.  Love you Leah.

Yeah, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say they ain’t ready.

Three stages of life:

1. Birth

2. What the fuck is this

3. Death

Is a booty call an “essential need” that we are allowed to leave the house for???

Asking for a friend.

What do you want to bet those damn Murder Hornets are going to be attracted to hand sanitizer?

Stepped on my scale this morning and it said: Please use social distancing, one person at a time.

Bastard!

And with that wonderful thought in mind, we’re going to call it a day.  Thanks very much for coming along for the ride.  I hope you had as much fun tagging along as I did putting it together.  Until tomorrow.  May you have love and laughter in your life.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon