Dragon Laffs #1734


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Good Morning Most Glorious and Awe Inspiring Campers,

Saturday morning for you.  Friday morning for me and I took the day off today.  Why?  Cause I just don’t feel like working today.  I actually feel like crap and it all has to do with the damn weather and getting old I think.  I was cold and wet and rainy,  now it’s warm and wet and rainy  and if the weather doesn’t figure out what it wants to do and stay there me and Mother Nature … wait … we did that once all ready … and that didn’t work out real well, did it? 

Damn.

Never mind.

Tell you how crappy it’s been.  The header picture for today, the background, that’s actually my afternoon sky from yesterday afternoon.  Yup.  The little greenery in the lower left hand corner?  The tops of trees.  I know, right.  Pure, crap for weather.  And today…it’s even drearier out, if you can believe that.

So yeah.  Screw it.  Taking the day off.  Gonna sit here with you guys.  Tell some stories.  Got a text message from Stephanie yesterday that reminded me of the Jersey Devil so I’m going to try and dredge up that story later.  But for now, let’s get this party started with some laughter, shall we?

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Aussie Peter…you worry me, brother.

Remember the game of Cooties when you were a kid?

Welcome to the adult version.

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Of all the things I learned in Grade School, how to avoid Cooties was the last one I expected to use.

Okay, that’s two Cooties references in a row!  No other ezine in the WORLD is going to do THAT for you!!!

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Remember “Click it or Ticket”?

Morons hated seatbelts but it saved lives!

Maybe we’ll start “Mask it or Casket” for same reason?

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I told my suitcases that there will be no vacation this year.

Now, I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

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Seems my going out clothes missed me as much as I missed wearing them.

I can feel them hugging me very tightly and not letting go.  So much love almost takes my breath away, literally!

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My housekeeping style is best described as …

there appears to have been a struggle.

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I’m having a quarantine party this weekend!

None of you are invited.

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BENEFITS OF A GOOD VOCABULARY!

I recently called an old engineering buddy of mine and asked what he was working on these days.

He replied that he was working on, “Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel under a constrained environment.”

I was impressed until, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife’s supervision.

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Can You Believe This Shit: Netflix was responsible for 15% of all Global Internet Traffic in 2018.  That is a shit load of electrons!

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And did you also friggin’ know: That the Amazon River was named by a Spanish Conquistador named Francisco de Orellana because he fought with tribes of female warriors who reminded him of the Greek mythological Amazon warriors. 

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3c

Jerry


Diesel engines were developed in Germany during the 2nd world war and they were designed to run on vegetable oil so they wouldn’t be dependent on petroleum from other countries. Americans changed the engines to burn diesel fuel.

Thanks for that Jerry, for those of you who remember (and those of you who don’t) that is in reference to the conversation we had the other day about the guy I knew who converted his truck the other way, back to burning vegetable oil and every time he started it up, it smelled like McDonald’s French Fries….shit …  now I got those things on my mind again.  But, back 5to the conversation…that’s really interesting to know, Jerry, that it started off as vegetable oil and was changed over to diesel.  Thanks for the comment and thanks for the info.

Cheers.

Bill


I think that “Political Correctness” is going a bit too far.
The receptionist at the doctor’s office announced “because of the new privacy rules, we are no longer allowed to reveal patients names. Would the lady with the hemorrhoids please come in now”.

Yeah, things are going a bit too far.  I think it’s time to find a new doctor, Bill.  Thanks for sharing.

Cheers.

Stephanie sent me this text message last night:

Still can’t respond to the Laffs.  In response to Peter, I purchase a candy for my grandchildren that is called Yowie.  It’s a thinly chocolate covered hollow egg.  Inside is a plastic replica of an endangered animal.  They are very cool. 

Now, the Jersey Devil.  My ex-father-in-law used to live in New Jersey.  Claimed he had a place on a couple acres of woodland.  Had a wolfhound that he would chain to the doghouse at the back of the property.  Said one night the dog was howling, yelping, frantic.  He got his rifle and by the time he could get to the door, the wolfhound had drug his doghouse up to the porch and he was still scared wailing.  Years later he moved away.  Loaded up a U-Haul and headed out.  Said he began to hear noised .  Like stuff was being thrown around.  Looked in the rear view and saw the U-Haul rocking.  He pulled over and heard the doors being crashed open.  When he got to the back, doors were torn open, furniture was broken and in disarray.  Also he claimed it was a most horrible scent.

Aussie Peter, I thought you made the Yowie sound mean and horrible, not a kids candy, so … I’m not really sure where to go with that one.  But this is a great segue to talk about the Jersey Devil.

In what is now, Leeds Point, New Jersey, in what was then 1735, Mother Leeds, whose husband was a drunkard and was gone more than he was there, was pregnant with her 13th child.  Her husband made no effort to take care of any of the children and Mother Leeds was tired of it and in a fit of exasperation raised her hands to the heavens and stated that the devil could take this child!

Well, as nature would have it, Mother Leeds went into labor a few months later and upon the birth of the “child” it changed into a horrible beast.  The newborn baby changed before her and the mid-wives’ eyes.  It grew quickly, sprouted horns from the top of its head, wings sprang from it’s back, with claws on the ends of it’s hands.  Feathers and hair sprouted all over its body and its eyes began to glow bright red.  It attacked and killed its mother and then tore the mid-wives limb from limb, screaming and shrieking while the father and other 12 children sat huddled in the other room.

The monster than crashed through the door and attacked it’s siblings and father, killing as many as it could before the few survivors watched as in horror as it tore through the chimney, destroying it on its way out.  The creature made good its escape into the Pine Barrens of South Jersey where it makes its home to this day.

The thing with the Jersey Devil is that over the almost 300 years, there have been many, many documented witnesses from many respectable members of society including police officers, clergy members, and military members.  Including multiple witnesses at a time.  And the most agreed upon image:

403 Which goes back many, many years.  And that’s not a bad story for coming off the top of my head.

Now, back to the funny stuff.

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Happy Halloween

Have you ever been so angry

Well, I can say that yes, I’ve probably been that angry, but no, I’ve never tackled a horse.

Have you ever been so drunk

Again, yes to the first, no to the second.

Have you ever been so mad

I’m going with a hard no to both of those.

Have you ever been so mad2

I did drop a mountain on a village once, does that count?

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No, never in anger…well…there was this one time …

He died fighting

He is not

Hedonism

Hell

hello kitty

Hello

And if you need that one explained to you, leave now and never, ever come back!

Helmets

Help Desk

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The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

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It turns out that when you’re asked who your favorite child is, you’re expected to pick from your own.  I know that now.

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Today I’m not gonna be an asshole, I’m gonna be nice.

Stop laughing you fuckers, it could happen.

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Told my wife I wanted to be cremated.  She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

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So…these murder hornets, do you send them a list of names or what?  How’s that work?

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Fucking –A-Tweedy!  I don’t see any blood, looks like he got off easy.

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Oh Dear Lord, you had to know what you looked like when you left the house, how can you possibly go out this way?

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Thanks to all the farmers!  There are so many things we wouldn’t have without you.  Like, just about everything.

And that’s it for today.  I hope you enjoyed my offerings.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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1 Response to Dragon Laffs #1734

  1. Danny Manger says:

    Over and over again, you make me laugh. Thank you.

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