Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Happy Sunday!  Surprisingly, I got nothing this morning.  No bitches, no gripes, no rants.  Damn!  What’s a dragon to do!!

LAUGH!  That’s what!  LAUGH!  Laugh at the bullshit.  Laugh at the crap of the world.  Laugh at it all.  We are adults and we laugh.

So, let’s do this! 

The editorial staff probably needs to be looked at.

This one is from Aussie Peter and poses the following question…

Q: What happens when a whore house catches fire?
A: Some come out running and some run out coming!

 

Is it wrong to follow rioters home and burn down their property?  Asking for a friend of course.

I think the real reason this generation is so angry is because their music sucks.

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

Umm…

People are asking who you’d call if someone broke into your house.  I gotta go with Coroner.

Science joke

The far-left took control of six blocks of Seattle, declared it separate from the United States, and the first thing they do is create strict borders to keep specific people out.

“Coming, ready or not!”

A great way to start hide and seek.

A terrible way to finish sex.

You better friggin’ believe it!

OH!  I just got an email from Stella!  She has a financial secret she wants to share with me!  She wants me to help her invest some money!  It will help her and me.  I’m to get back with her if I’m interested.  Wow, I can’t hardly wait!  Helping a stranger invest their money for my benefit!  What could possibly go wrong?

Come on campers, let’s say it together …

You are offended by the things I say?

Imagine the stuff I hold back.

That actually started off in black, denoting that they are someone else’s words.  But then I decided they might as well be mine!

I used to be cool.  Now I’m just my dogs snack dealer.

Or in my case, her pizza crust dealer.

Feeling guilty about your kids watching too much TV?

Just mute it and put the subtitles on.

BOOM!

Now, they’re reading!

Does anyone know which page of the bible explains how to turn water into wine?

Asking for a friend.

An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her father on “Take your kid to work day”.  As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting very cranky.  Her father asked her what was wrong.

As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly, “Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?”

If elevators hadn’t been invented, all the CEOs and important people would have their offices on the first floor as a sign of their status.

And do you think this guy is going to kneel during the playing of the National Anthem?

Mrs. Dragon sent this to me the other day … so I had to share it with you, the rest of my family.

Babysitters are teenagers who behave like grown-ups so that grown-ups can go out and behave like teenagers.

A little further down … to give you a bit more time to think about it.  Come on … you can figure it out …

…

Come on …

…

Okay, here it is

…

5 to 4

bottom of the 5th

one out

nobody on

Now, wasn’t that easy?

The M’s … From Marriage to Math with Martial Arts and Mary Poppins in-between

This is a truly great story!!

Try to remember, the greener grass across the fence may be due to a septic tank issue.

What the hell did she do?

If you’re paying $3 for a bottle of smart water …

… it isn’t working.

And that will do it for today my friends, I hope this issue was to your liking and that all of you found something to laugh at.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

The above picture was sent to me with “supply your own caption” I couldn’t think of one, so decided to use it as a header instead.  I kinda like it.

So sad news … well .. kind of a good news / bad news kind of thing.  It’s official.  I go back to regular work on Monday.  So, no more daily Dragon Laffs from me.  I will try to put out as many as I can on a weekly basis since I’ve really grown accustomed to talking to you guys on a daily basis … okay, let’s be honest … I really LOVE talking to you guys every day and I’m really gonna miss doing this every day, but duty calls and I have to answer.  So, I’ll try to work on these when I can, but let’s face it, not having my laptop beside me to turn to in the odd minutes is going to really cramp my style.  But, I’ll do the best that I can and keep up the best that I can and we’ll see how things go.  Okay?  So for now.  Let’s just make the best of it and keep things going the best that we can!

Now charging into the land of bullshit!  Let’s go!

Well, now it all makes perfect sense … keep reading …

Finally the truth comes out – This is an extract from Hillary Clinton’s autobiography, ‘The Truth Will Always Prevail’ to be released soon.

“Some years ago, nearing dinner time at the White House, our regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice. He wasn’t the smartest looking guy, in fact he seemed a bit dirty. Bill voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice. Just before the meal, Bill noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was assured that many Chefs did that.

Dinner went okay, although Bill thought that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he started to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself. By now, he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his trousers around his knees. As he was about to pass out, this naive girl bent over him and heard President Clinton whisper in a barely audible voice: “Sack my cook”.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.”

From now on I’m always going to wear a face mask when I go to the grocery store, I prefer a disguise when purchasing obscene amounts of junk food.

Wife:  Can you stop yawning when I’m talking to you?

Husband:  I’m not yawning, I’m trying to say something!

The worst part about parallel parking is the witnesses.

I want a closed casket funeral.  However, towards the end of the service, please have the organist play “Pop goes the weasel” over and over until everyone in attendance is staring at my coffin with silent, horrified anticipation.

Endemic Dumbassery  (FDD*)

Life:  One minute you’re really young and cool … and the next, you’re getting all excited about a new vacuum.

OMFG!  Not Family Circus!

Biden said 8 years of Trump would forever alter the course of the nation!

That’s what we’re hoping for!!

Those darn sneaky Russians.  They’ve already convinced me to Vote for Trump again in 2020.

We need Ventilators!  People are dying!!!

 

Quick, let’s fund the Kennedy Center!

FDD*

Hot Button Time:

These two short sentences tell you a lot about our government and our culture:

1.  We are advised to not judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL Gun Owners by the actions of a few lunatics.  Funny how that works out.

And here’s another one worth considering.

2.  Seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of our Money.  How come we never hear about Welfare running out of our Money?  What’s interesting is that Social Security recipients “worked for” their money, but the welfare recipients did not.

Profound, isn’t it.

Here’s the Impish Dragon takeaway … stop trying to giveaway what’s mine and takeaway what’s mine.  If you want some, go work for it.  I’m more than happy to help you out, lend you a hand, give you a job, if it’s in my capacity to do so, but I will not give you something for free that I’ve worked my ass off for.  And how can you, as a grown ass adult, take it and hold your head up pridefully? 

Dear Lord, please don’t let President Trump say coffee is good.  The Democrats will ban it and I will die.

I was recently asked if I was happy having a racist president.  I replied, “Of course not.  We replaced him with Donald Trump.”

HEY!  Wait a fuc … Okay, yeah.

Okay … if you don’t think this is all one-sided, left wing, contrived political bullshit … first read this:

Now click on this link and read the follow on story:

https://www.nbclosangeles.com/news/local/group-defends-ucla-professor-suspended-after-refusing-to-reschedule-final-exam-for-protests/2378471/

This professor was suspended for doing everything right, for the right reasons, for everything they say they are fighting for, in every way they say they are fighting for, but because it went against what they really wanted they suspended him.

You don’t want equality, you want to do and have what ever you want and throw a temper tantrum or the race card when you don’t get it.  Like a spoiled 2 year-old who grabs something and throws it on the ground to try and break it when he doesn’t get what he wants, or throws himself on the ground and screams and kicks his feet up and down.  And just like that 2 year old, you need your ass beat and sat in the damn corner until you can behave yourself like a respectable human being or you can just stay there.

So, I’m at Walmart returning 37 pool noodles (because youth ministry) and rather than explaining the whole story of why I’m a grown man returning 37 pool noodles, when asked, “Reason for return?”  I just said, “The shopping list said noodles, but not what kind … boy was my wife mad.”

Cigarettes and alcohol have warning labels because they are addictive, dangerous, and destroy lives and yet women are just allowed to roam about freely.

Do not regret past mistakes.  All decisions, good or bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

FDD* (have you figured it out yet?)

When my son was 5 he asked, “What does coffee taste like?”  I replied, “Unfortunately, not as good as it smells.”  His response, “Oh.  Like shampoo.”

Wife:  [watching the news]  some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium

Me:  [covered in ink]  maybe the squid was being a dick.

Me:  The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches

Wife:  Okay, just throw them out

[Later]

Me:  [helping kids pack a suitcase] Look, I’m as surprised as you are.

All dogs are therapy dogs.

The majority are just freelancing.

I like the way the claim it was an “epic” death.

Do you think men twitch so much in their sleep because their bodies can’t handle not saying something stupid for that long so it finds another way to be annoying?

Yes.  Yes, that’s exactly what it is.  You’ve found us out.

Please, please, please tell me this is a joke!!!!

As you get older you’ve got to stay positive.  For example, the other day I fell down the stairs … instead of getting upset I just thought, “Wow, that’s the fastest I’ve moved in years.”

I’m excited that the phrase “Get the fuck away from me” is no longer rude but a public service announcement.

Did you know:  (Oh here we go again) A group of unicorns is called a blessing. And that’s it?  Yup.  And nothing about the fact that unicorns are mythological creatures.  Says the little blue dragon.  Moving on …

Did you know:  (Really?)  A blue whale’s tongue can weigh as much as an adult female elephant.  Okay, I have questions … why a female elephant and not a male, and who cut it out and weighed it?  Those are really good questions.  And?  Moving on …

We are in the M’s so we start we Male Optical Illusions and we end with the Marines in honor of Lethal Leprechaun!

Nope…didn’t get a beach …

Semper Fi, brother.

Oh my God…that’s so wrong!

Yup, another one the youngsters won’t get.

So, it’s time to reach into the mailbag …

A Sasquatch

As usual, another great offering. I also loved the rant. When so many seem to be against everything this country was founded on the answer seems easy….. there’s the door. Sad that Mr. Floyd died but where were the demonstrations when Minneapolis officer Mohammed Noor shot and killed an unarmed white woman who had done absolutely nothing wrong?

Thanks for the link, very entertaining although it took me a minute to get over you calling me out to something called Sad and useless . Com. Thanks buddy Keep up the great work.

Hey brother, I’ll have you know it wasn’t me who called you out to Sad and Useless … and I promised Stephanie that I wouldn’t mention her name, so I can’t tell you who it was who sent that in. 

I am glad you enjoyed my rant.  I’m glad someone does.  It kinda helps to get it off my chest, but I’m afraid Mrs. Dragon is beginning to get a bid worried about me and how wound up I’m getting.  Maybe it’s a good thing I’m headed back to work where all I have to deal with is chemical, biological, nuclear, and radiological threats and survival all day.  You know … the easy stuff.  LOL!

Cheers, brother and thanks for writing.

Leah D

Besides the censorship by Facebook, I have been unfriended, etc. because I post links, my views. Then I want to watch a little TV before I go to sleep, and they have put the same racial rant program on about 85% of the stations I watch. They are trying to force feed their view. I did not, will not watch it because of that very reason.

Hi ya Leah, girlfriend.  Yup.  It’s everywhere.  It’s like no one wants to have a dissenting opinion for fear of the wrath of the left coming down on them.  I have never, ever seen such biased reporting on anything in my entire life.  It’s ridiculous. 

Keep your channel tuned here folks, where the truth is still the truth.

Seriously?  Although, you know … I’d buy it and wear it, just to see if anyone notices…

And another, very appropriate one from Leah D.

Leah D

I was watching a news video, heard a small child cry out, and nearly jumped out of my skin.
We have lived in total isolation since the first part of March. Then I realized the reporter must be working from home.
I made a call to the mail order pharmacy, to get prescriptions, and heard a baby cry. I asked if she was working from home? She was, and we talked and laughed a lot about the current situation.
I told her how one of my granddaughters chose a day care that was very close to her work. So now she has to get up early to drive the many miles to drop her toddler at day care, then drive those miles back to her house to work.
There are a lot of people out there, looking forward to going ‘back to work’.
Are you one of them? Or have you enjoyed being at home, working off the dining room table?

I have enjoyed working from home.  It has given me some freedom that I don’t normally enjoy when working from the “office”.  Not the least of which is spending this time with you wonderful campers that I am going to miss most of all.  I have been able to do my job with much more flexible hours, although the people I interact with have taken my flexible hours to a whole new level calling me at all hours of the day and night, but that’s okay, too.  That’s all part of the job, as far as I’m concerned.  I complain, but it’s more tongue in cheek, since I really do love my job and what I do.  I feel like what I do is important and means something, so I have some job satisfaction.  To say I get some strange questions is a bit of an understatement since a lot of people don’t really understand my full job description, but that’s okay, since if I don’t know the answer, I can usually point them in the direction of the person who does.  Working from my dining room table has been a bit of a challenge with my internet provider seemingly doing some sort of “maintenance in my area” almost on a daily basis and me losing connectivity, usually at the most inopportune times, but that’s not that much different than being connected to the government system that has the same problems.

But, I will admit to being excited about going back to work and interacting with other people and I know for a fact that the family will be glad to finally get me the hell out of the house again.

And I wish to say to all of you, thanks for all of the wonderful support and happiness you have brought to me through this, and although we will be cut down somewhat, I hope we will be just as supportive of each other as we have been over these last several months in isolation with each other.  And as the little box at the beginning said, we had 82 days of quarantine together.  That’s almost 3 months of sharing and caring.  And that’s not going to stop, just because I’m going back to work in an office.  Just the frequency will cut down a little.  And that will be just a time management thing on my side.  Today is Friday, which means you are reading this on Saturday.  You will get an issue on Sunday and Monday, God willing and then we’ll see what happens.  Maybe I’ll try for smaller issues each day or a couple of larger ones fewer times through the week.  Let’s see what happens.

But for now, that’s it for me for today.  I hope this nice long issue gave you a nice Saturday morning and know that my love and support go out to you all.  Please keep writing and sending me stuff and letting me know how you are doing and I’ll do the same.  Remember, it’s impishdragon@gmail.com

Cheers ~ Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Well, all good things must come to an end.  I believe, beginning next week, I will be going back to my office, at least part of the week.  I think I still will be teleworking on Mondays and Fridays and being in the office on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays.  At least that is what I am considering right now.  What that will do with you guys, I’m not sure, but if nothing else I will try to get Dragon Laffs out to you at least twice a week.  I’m not 100% sure how that will work, but you should know, that is what I am considering right now.  As the next couple of days go by, I’ll know more and as I know more, you will know more. 

So, let’s jump right in with battling today’s bullshit with laughter and we’ll talk about other things as they come up.

So, let’s laugh!

And apparently way too little common sense.

Thanks to Lynn for sending this one…it looks pretty cool.

As face masks become the day to day norm around the world, it’s become harder and harder to understand people’s muffled words, as well as reading expressions. Did that person smile or grimace at me from behind their mask? Hard to tell these days.

Now, a team of researchers from EPFL and Empa in Switzerland has come up with a way of solving these issues: a breathable, transparent surgical mask.

You’ll soon be able to see someone’s full face from behind a surgical mask.

They’ve dubbed their creation the HelloMasks, which are made of organic biomass-based materials. Not only are they breathable, but they’re also recyclable and biodegradable. The team used a process called electrospinning that uses an electric charge to create ultra-thin threads, which allow particles to pass through but still manage to block out viruses and bacteria.

And thus should be a warning to everyone … I’m only on my second cup of coffee right now … fair warning …

So, this just happened:
My kid’s shoulder hurt from work.  I asked, “Have you ever taken Alleve?”
She said, “No!  I need the money.”

After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table.

I needed a running start, but I made it.

I knew it!!

I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo.  There he was, in his uniform …

Right away I knew he was a keeper.

I asked my surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic.

He said, “Go ahead, knock yourself out.”

Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine.

Catscan.

My housemates are convinced that our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here for 274 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.

What happens when you drop a duck egg on the ground?

It quacks.

I was going to post a joke about penguins a few minutes ago.

Then I realized it just won’t fly.

Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.  For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on different levels of noise.

The librarian says, “Sure, what Volume would you like?”

All the major casinos are complaining about how much money they’ve lost.

Now they know how we feel.

You had one job …

I used to be one of those chefs who shouts and swears a lot.

But then I discovered oven mitts.

I have PTSD … does anyone have the rest of the alphabet?

Just got an email from Joe L from Beesley’s Point NJ in response to Marsha’s email… this is getting fun!!!

I/Dragon,

Marsha had the right idea but missed by a few miles. The Cape May Diamonds are found at Cape May Point, not Beesley’s Point.

Cape May diamonds are quartz pebbles found on the beaches of Cape May Point, New Jersey. The pebbles are sometimes collected, cut and polished to resemble diamonds, then sold locally as souvenirs. Cape May diamonds are usually collected by beach combing and are most abundant at Higbee and Sunset beaches in Cape May.Wikipedia

General Beesley rode out of town in the 1700’s and said:

“Don’t do anything until I get back.”  The locals are still waiting!

Thanks to all of the contributors!

     …Joe L. 

And here’s a picture that I found on line …

Cape May diamonds (right) are quartz pebbles found on the beaches of Cape May Point, New Jersey. The pebbles are collected, cut and polished to resemble diamonds (left) and then sold locally as souvenirs. July 18, 2019 Sean Simmers | ssimmers@pennlive.com PENNLIVE.COM

And the article that goes with it … if you’re interested: https://www.pennlive.com/life/2019/08/cape-may-diamonds-the-legend-and-the-facts-about-the-jersey-shore-gems.html

Thanks Joe!!!

Okay, got this from Leah and printing it in it’s entirety, maybe mostly because she thought I might not.  Let’s get to it and talk about it …

Today has been hell for me . . . slap my face “You don’t even know what hell is!”

Tomorrow doesn’t look to be any better.  Sounds like a statement of the current situation in the USA and the World!

I know you won’t want to use a lot of what I might send on, glad to see you said it was ok to send it anyway.  Of course it’s okay.  You guys can always send me ANYTHING!  What I choose to send on is another matter entirely.

OK. They arrested and charged the dirty cops. Now lets do the same with the arsonists, thieves, batterers, and robbers.  I agree!  I saw last night that because the prosecutor has decided not to file charges against most of the “protestors” who assaulted the police officers in NY, the Police Union is going to go after them civilly, on behalf of the Police Officers and sue them.  I think that’s a marvelous idea!

Turning off a body camera should come with an automatic charge of destroying evidence.  Again I agree.  And in most police departments it’s a firing offense.

If the police are going to be defunded, so should welfare, food stamps and free medical care. If you don’t need police, you can take care of yourself on every level.  Can’t say as how I disagree with that one either.  I’ve taken care of myself and my family my whole life.  I think I mentioned yesterday that I have had one week of unemployment and actually the unemployment insurance that my jobs have paid covered that.  There are some instances where welfare is needed, I’ll grant you … but near as much as is paid out … and sure as hell if you’re not a citizen. 

Okay, Leah, does that about cover it?

 

Got this email from Tom J. 

Greetings Impish; I didn’t know you didn’t like being addressed as Mr. Dragon. I only did it because of respect I have for you and what you do. You have made my day better many times over and over. I have been a subscriber even before Lethal showed up on Wednesdays and that’s a long time. I really miss him too and he was great at what he did.

I wanted to give you an update on my battle with this Covid shit. I’ve had different types of flu over the years and both viral and bacterial pneumonia more than once. Tomorrow (Thursday) will be day 16 and I think it’s about over. My Medial Assistant daughter tells me that I need to go for three days with no fever and no Tylenol(for fever control) to not be contagious. That would be tomorrow if things stay the same. I am still very weak and without energy to do much at all. That’s the hard part because I live to be active and need to be doing something.

That’s about all for now and I understand because I would also prefer not to be called mister and it feels more friendly to use first names. In all fairness, most people wouldn’t know how to address a little blue creature with a tail and scales and very hot breath. Maybe Sir?

Thanks Impish,

Tom

I didn’t publish it when he first told me, but Tom told me several days ago that he had contracted Covid and he has been battling it now for, as he says above 16 days.  And we’ve prayed for him and it seems as though he’s doing well.

But as to me not liking being called Mr. Dragon, that was mostly teasing.  You guys can call me anything you like.  What’s the old joke, call me anything you like, just don’t call me late for dinner.  But yes, I prefer Impish.  And the girls all seem to like the hot breath, so there’s always a plus.

Glad you are feeling better my friend.

I’m thinking if you just put it out with the trash, the trash people should pick it up.

Did you hear about this shit?  Bending to the left wing liberal bullshit, Warner Brothers is taking away Elmer Fudd’s and Yosemite Sam’s weapons.  I’ve heard it all now!

Yup!  EXACTLY my response.  Let’s do this.  I’ll be your Huckleberry.

Ah, let’s go to the comment mail box.

boopluver

Gee I just have one thing to say Columbus did not discover America…ironically just had this conversation tonight…after being in tornado warning mode several times tonight…we know how he mistreated the natives and very lucky he did not become supper…(cannibals) i read his journals…but he landed south of America…and no not south America either…so maybe the reason for destroying the statue…who knows what goes on in their minds…as my momma used to say only the shadow knows…have a good day…be careful throwing darts…especially if you throw darts like I bowl…

Hiya Boop!  I believe I said that Columbus was credited with discovering America.  Yup, learned a long time ago that Columbus wasn’t the first one here, even if you don’t count the folks that were actually HERE when the rest of them got here.  There’s a case to be made for Leif Erikson, some Russians from the Aleutian Island chains, and a bunch of others… but, anyway yeah, no explanation as to why all the damn historic statues are being pulled down.  Or why the confederate flag isn’t allowed on NASCAR or the whole Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam thing.  It’s like the whole friggin’ country is overreacting and trying to be more politically correct than the next guy trying to placate a bunch of rioters and looters. 

As to my throwing darts like you bowl … I just keep getting this picture in my head of a bowling ball bouncing off a dart board and all my mates looking at me like I’m friggin’ crazy.

Thanks for writing Boop!

Ted K

Apparently the entire United States has gone ballistic, desiring to have another civil war. Can’t hardly stand to watch any news as I feel my brain is being washed. So sorry for the people who feel they are being belittled, how sad the USA is an example for the world to see how idiotic we’ve become!

Hey Ted, Thanks for writing!  I know, right!  I used to watch the news all the time.  Even FOX.  Now, I can’t stand it.  They are all preaching the same song.  And it’s all the same left wing bullshit.  We’re all sailing down the same river and it’s leading to the same waterfall that’s going to dash us all on the rocks below.  And it seems there’s only a few of us looking around saying, “How the fuck do we get off this boat?” While the rest are all singing Kumbyya. 

tommy v

Loved your rants today . Some people are not only stupid but also dumb as a skunk and yes I a insulting skunks, Can anybody explain to me why no one has started telling the great Judges that if they can tear down all the statures why has not marten l. king . sorry

Tommy V!  Thanks for writing brother.  MLK would have never done anything like torn down a statue.  He would never have stooped so low.  How can we rise above our history if we don’t remember our history.  And how can we remember our history if we destroy our history.  That’s just one, very small point of view.

Now, let’s get back to the fun stuff, shall we?

Bet you didn’t think about that, did ya!

“Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.” ~ Robert Heinlein

Stephanie has way too much time on her hands.

That is so cool!  That is some amazing artistry!

Now, that’s just bragging.  I’ve never had enough extra that I needed to use a self storage facility!

It sounds like a great deal, until you think, do I really want to order that from McDonalds?

That was way too easy!

No!  Just NO!

Rather than say anything thing … I’m just going to put up some pictures of protests that Lynn send in.  If this makes sense to you … well … then I don’t know what the hell you are protesting.

 

Until next time dear friends.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Well, played darts for the first time last night since all this started and it went pretty good.  Did find out that it’s been almost 4 months since I’ve had a dart in my hand and that hasn’t done much for my aim … but it was a good night.  We tried to social distance as much as we could and did a good job of staying away from each other and that sort of thing.  It was really nice to get a night out with a bunch of people who I consider part of my extended family.

Things have been REALLY buys on the work front.  They have been keeping my little blue (okay, my BIG blue) ass hopping these last couple of days filled with phone calls and reports and all kinds of weird requests.  Makes me think that something might be afoot.  Stay tuned for more information on that as the days progress.

Other than that, my life is going along as you might expect.  I read an article this morning that some fucking idiots in Richmond, Virginia tore down a statue of Christopher Columbus, set it on fire and tossed it in a lake as a symbol of racial oppression.  Really?  The dude credited with discovering America?  Racial Oppression?  You fucking dick-heads.  The empty pedestal was spray-painted and covered with a sign saying, “Columbus Represents Genocide”.  Some dumb ass (I’m not going to give her air time by mentioning her name here) said, “We have to start where it all began.  We have to start with the people who first stood on this land.”  So I guess Native American Lives Matter?  Indigenous Peoples Lives Matter?  Hey dumb asses – ALL LIVES MATTER!!!  Mine as much as yours.  I don’t give a damn what color your skin is, where you came from, or anything else.  We all have the exact same opportunities in this country.  We all know right from wrong. 

Dammit to hell!  I told myself I wasn’t going to do this.  But this shit pisses me off!  I wasn’t given anything special growing up.  My parents worked for a friggin’ living!  Dad worked at least two jobs, Mom was an RN and worked full time.  Hell, the first ten years of my life I don’t think my mom and dad even saw each other except as one walked in the door and the other walked out on the way to work!  And they passed that work ethic on to us kids.

At one point in time I was working one full-time and three part-time jobs just to make ends meet.  I did that for three fucking years!  I’m 61 years old and retirement is still a dream to me, working full-time because I can’t afford to retire.  Because that’s what a grown ass adult does!

Don’t tell me about how fucking privileged I am!  You want something out of life?  Get an education, get a job, and get whatever the hell you want!  But most of all, QUIT YOUR FUCKING WHINING AND BITCHING AND GET OFF YOUR ASS AND DO SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE INSTEAD OF SOMETHING DESTRUCTIVE!

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Okay, my apologies.  I kinda went off the deep end there.  I just went outside, smoked a cigar.  Kicked a flowerpot into the neighbor’s yard, drank a shot of Jameson.  Drank another shot of Jameson.  I was going to go back and delete everything I wrote, but I thought, no … that is the way I feel.  I’m really tired of all of this.  I was watching this thing on TV last night and was flipping through the channels and saw this quick shot of George Floyd and they had his picture up and had him on a background with like angel wings behind him and it almost made me throw up.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  The man didn’t deserve to have happen to him what happened.  But he was a fucking lowlife thug.  The cops deserve to be charged.  The two younger ones deserve some leniency.  I’ve been in a situation where I’ve had to follow orders or been the new guy and not known what I should do when an older, higher ranking piece of shit did something wrong and you didn’t know what you should do.  Those two rookies should have known better, but they were still just rookies.  Cut them some slack.

Anyway …

I gotta quit or I’m gonna rant all day, I can feel it in me.

So, let’s do something else, okay?

But first, I thought this was kind of appropriate after my rant…thanks to Aussie Peter for sending it to me…kinda the way I feel this morning

God, I sure hope the rioters in D.C. don’t do anything to the IRS building at 1111 Constitution Ave. NW, Washington, DC 20224.  That would just be terrible!

I saw a bumper sticker that said, “I am a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal.”

Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the roads.

Q:  How did you meet your husband?

A:  I’m a pharmacist.  He cam to buy condoms and asked for XXXXL.  And it was only after we got married I realized that he stutters.

I was told there would be a handbasket.

There are so very few of us left … and we’re mostly quite busy …

Since the wedding guests included all of the bride’s female volleyball team-mates, her bouquet stayed in the air for two whole hours.

Her:  You’ll never succeed in building your happiness on the unhappiness of others!

Him:  For the last time, I didn’t take your stupid chocolate bar, ok!?

Or a Social Worker … we can send you a Social Worker.

Excuse me, what time is it?

I can only tell you approximately …

Okay, go on!

… it’s Friday.

That’s a really good question, Mr. Sowell.  Sadly, I wish we had a really good answer to go with it.

Her:  Darling, I’m so sorry for what I said!  I don’t know what could have gotten into me!

Him:  It’s okay, honey.  Oh, don’t touch your bowl of soup!  Let me get you a fresh one!

Ouch!

On my application form, when it says who to contact in an emergency … I always put, ambulance or police … I mean, what the fuck is my mother gonna do?

She has moments when she seems stable, but then so does nitroglycerin.

I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of a fat guy holding his dong.

Then I realized the TV wasn’t on.

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Ah.. more math humor!

Hey Sasquatch buddy, this one is for you!!!

https://www.sadanduseless.com/assquatch/

Leah D just made a really good point in an email she sent me.  She said:

I am still shaking my head.  I had posted two videos, one was Candace Owens, a black woman, and the other was Larry Elder, a black man, both are highly educated.  Both speak out against the rancid black tirades.  Face book deleted them!  They are censoring anything opposite the extreme Liberal view.

I’ve heard the same thing from several friends of mine who are really into the whole Facebook, Twitter thing.  I don’t do either of them.  I do all of my posting here and I’m just waiting for someone to start telling me that a blog at a website that I pay for is going to be censored.  But, I’m sure it’s coming.  Any of you having the same problems?  Hmm, whatever happened to free speech?

 

Instead of canceling all the Fests this summer … we simply call them Protests with food and live music … then thousands can come and it will all be perfectly fine.

Yeah, okay.  I want to know, too.  And where is this posted?  And the women’s restroom?  Really and quite literally, WTF?

At every party there are two kinds of people, those who want to go home and those who want to stay.  The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

For all the peaceful protestors upset about being lumped in with the rioters, looters and lawbreakers …

It’s kinda like all the great police officers getting lumped in with the few bad ones, isn’t it?

Nicely said.

Now that’s great advertising!

Did You Know: (Crap, what now?) Sylvester Stallone was so poor (How poor was he? hee, hee – oh – it’s not one of those?  Sorry…) ahem … was so poor during the early days of his career he had to sell his dog to make ends meet.  (Aww.  that’s so sad!)  I know, right, but after his success of “Rocky” he was able to buy him back!  Okay, so happy ending.

Ouch!  Damn!

Okay, so I guess I have to print this cause it’s been sent to me by a couple of different people now … and I do agree with it, but it is borderline ranting again and I’m gonna have to add my own two cents worth in somewhere…maybe … we’ll see.  Here it goes.

As a man, I used to think I was pretty much just a regular person, but I was born white, into a two-parent household which now, whether I like it or not, makes me “Privileged”, a racist and responsible for slavery. 

I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today’s standards, makes me a fascist because I plan, budget and support myself.

I went to High School, got a degree, got in some college and have always held a job. But I now find out that I am not here because I earned it, but because I was “advantaged”.  I think I actually have one whole year of college and I think I actually spent one whole week on unemployment in my entire lifetime.

I am heterosexual, which according to “gay” folks, now makes me a homophobe. 

I am not a Muslim, which now labels me as an infidel.

I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which makes me a de facto member of the “vast NRA gun lobby”

I am older than 60, making me a useless eater who doesn’t understand Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat.  (Guess I have to lay claim to part of this.  I understand all of those, just don’t like them or use them)

I think and I reason, (I read books) and I doubt much of what the “main stream” media tells me, which makes me a “Right-wing conspiracy nut”.

I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, making me a xenophobe.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual’s merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.  (I think I will lay claim to this one.  I am definitely an anti-socialist.  I think Socialism is the equivalent of communism.  Everyone is equal.  It’s just that some of us are more equal than others.)

I believe our system guarantees freedom of effort – not freedom of outcome or subsidies which must make me a borderline sociopath.

I believe in the defense and protection of America for & by all citizens, now making me a militant.

I am proud of our flag, what it stands for and the many who died to let it fly, so I stand and salute during our National Anthem (and never, under any circumstances, kneel!) – so I must be a racist.

Please help me come to terms with the new me because I’m just not sure who I am anymore!

Funny – it all took place over the last 7 or 8 years! If all this nonsense wasn’t enough to deal with, now I don’t even know which restroom to use… and I gotta go more FREQUENTLY!  (Okay, can’t lay claim to this one.  I have no doubt at all which restroom to use)

I just found the Impish Dragon, a couple months ago! How did I ever survive?  And what a sweet last line to throw in there!  Thanks!  This version was from Gale N.  But, like I said, I got it from several different people!

Sure, because I’m watching my sugar intake.

I’ll bet aliens ride past earth and lock their doors.

Daddy’s little girl can get him to do anything.

Leah sent us a comment about yesterday’s issue …

Leah d.

When Lethal was an active participant, I always wondered how two, such close, Like Minds, could approach with a different view.
I appreciated and Liked your Minds!

Thanks Leah.  Yeah, it was a wonder, that’s for sure.  We approached the same thing from two different sides, invariably we’d end up on the same side of things, yet see it from two opposing views.  The amount of times we argued over the same thing, just a fine point or two was amazing.  Love that guy, still do.

We are getting pounded with storms right now.  Very exciting.  Makes me want to go out and fly and play amongst the lightning.  Blow off a little steam.  Think that’s exactly what I will do.  So, I will leave you here.  With this final thought.  Love one another each day, laugh with each other each day, and live each day with each other as if today was the last one you had on earth, because one day, you’ll be right.

Cheers dear friends.

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Great and Illustrious Campers,

This is one of the headers that Lethal Leprechaun made for me many years ago and I’m using it today because glancing through my calendar and Saturday would have been the tenth anniversary of Lethal being my partner in doing Leprechaun Laffs along with Dragon Laffs and since Wednesdays were the days that he normally published and Saturdays were the days that I normally published I just thought it would be a fitting tribute to use one of his old headers that he made for me and just put a little memory of him right up front.  I miss you buddy.  Every day. 

He always had a warped sense of humor.  Warped enough to match mine.  I loved it when we ran the continuous stories where each episode we were pick up where the other left off.  We would try to write each other into a corner and make it tougher and tougher for the other one to try and find a way out.  He was a nutter for Irish mythology and was continuously throwing one Irish god or goddess at me or another and at one point in time we had Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (of course fitted out with the latest in modern weaponry) working for us.  And I was forever being checked in and out of the Hokey Pokey Clinic.

We had a great run buddy, and the header to the blog still, to this day holds your moniker “Leprechaun Fables and Dragon Tales”.  His “About Lethal Leprechaun”  is still there and you can still read it.  I haven’t really changed much since his passing.  I haven’t had the heart since the two of us worked so hard to make the website what it is now.

Maybe I will someday and make it what it originally started out as.  It was originally Dragon Laffs.  I had been doing this for many years before Lethal came along, but I think for the 9 and a half years or so that Lethal was with me it turned into something special … it still is special, don’t get me wrong.  But, it’s special in my way now, not in OUR way. 

Have a beer for me buddy, we’ll meet up again some day, I’m sure of it.  And the funny part is… we never met in real life.  Spoke on the phone almost every day.  Texted a hundred times a day.  Shared thousands of emails.  But he lived in Houston and I lived in Indiana and our paths never crossed in real life.  Isn’t that funny. 

He was always the brother from another mother.  I still love you brother.  Semper Fi. 

Now, on to the other stuff.  While I go wipe my eyes and blow my nose.

Time traveler:  Hey what year is this?

Me:  2020

Time traveler:  Has it happened yet?

Me:  What?

Time traveler:  The disaster

Me:  Do you have the slightest idea how little that narrows it down?

 

 

A little gray hair is a small price to pay for all this wisdom.

 

Stephanie sent this quick one.  Sure hope it’s one she heard and not about her husband …

We have 2 dogs that are Boxers; big, house dogs who think they are lap dogs. We stopped to talk with someone whose dog jumped up on my husband. When the owner scolded the dog yelling, “Get down!” my husband said, “Don’t worry, it’s OK. He’s just smelling my Boxers.”

Ohhh, Honey!

Now that is FRIGGIN’ AWESOME!!!!!

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka.  It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

No, dammit!  We aren’t doing this shit again!!

What washes up on tiny beaches?

… Microwaves

A neighbor suggested I put horse manure on my strawberries.

Tasted horrible!

I’m sticking with whipped cream!

The problem with modern society in one quick cartoon.

I found a horror book written in braille.  Something bad is going to happen;  I can feel it.

Of course I talk like an idiot.

How else could you understand me?

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Coram, New York where Bozo James Prescott heard police knocking on his front door. He knew they were there to serve him with a warrant for petty larceny and assault. So, our bozo decides he will try to escape–through a roof vent. Once on the roof, with the house surrounded, the bozo realizes his only hope for getaway is to flee through a sump that leads to an underground sewer pipe. One problem, the sewer pipe is only 18 inches wide. Still, our bozo managed to squirm about 200 feet before getting stuck. And there he stayed, literally trying to keep his head above water and above everything else while praying no one in the house flushes a toilet. He waited for the cops to go away. They didn’t. Finally, after being stuck in the pipe for five hours, he called out for the cops to come rescue him, which they did, just before they hosed down and arrested him.

Thanks to John S for sending us these Bozo’s of the day!

Is that true, Peter?

The desire to tell stories that a lot of you have sent me about different protests across the country and share them here are almost overwhelming, but that is not really what I’m here about.  And because if I do I’ll start ranting again and that is not what I want to do either.  Suffice it to say that there are a lot of good stories and bad stories out there and I appreciate you sending them to me and I enjoy reading them and I want you to continue sending them to me.

I’m considering setting up a pair of “door pants” by the front door so I have a quick and easy access to pants when delivery people and such come to the house.

Door Pants!

Ah, the L’s.  From Licking outlets, to Life, to Lobster Knife fights.  We’ve got it all here for you.

That’s a really good point.  She probably wouldn’t have been that way had she been out with you at the pub drinking beer.  Or even at home by herself drinking beer.  Or out with her mates drinking beer.  It’s the damn tea!

There is absolutely nothing I can add to that to make it better.

Marsha answered be about Joe L. and south Jersey …

Marsha M

Beesley’s point…if I remember right that is the best place to hunt for Cape May diamonds. I’ve been gone from Jersey 26 years now…still miss the ocean and the food …oh and the kids. Getting old sucks…but I did love the shore…used to work nights and sleep on the wildwood shore…34th street…or there abouts. Yep have the sun spots to prove it…yep would do it all again….thanks for the brief mental trip.

Thanks Nursey, Jersey Girl.  Ah … the good old days, sleeping on the beach, surfing, sailing, I swear as a kid I spent more time on the water than I did on dry land.

My son asked me if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.

I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.

Okay, can we say it all together?

Actually from the looks of things, I’d say two fucking idiots.

NO!

50% of Canada is A

My daughter came up to me the other day and started coloring the top of my arm.  She was just looking for a shoulder to crayon.

It’s been six months since I joined the gym and no progress.  I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.

I have a friend who is a taxidermist.  If you ask him what he does, he says, “Oh, you know, stuff.”

And that is it for me for today.  I hope you had a wonderful trip through my mind.  Be sure to tip your waitress on the way out.  And if you wish to communicate, send jokes, cartoons, memes, articles, well wishes, death threats, or anything in between, you can use impishdragon@gmail.com.  Until next time.

Cheers!