Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

I was very disappointed on Memorial Day.  Mrs. Dragon and I got stuck at the grocery store at 3 pm, but didn’t let that stop us from pulling our cart over to the side of the aisle and bowing our heads for 60 seconds in memory and respect for the men and women who gave their lives for us.  But, it annoyed me that the store didn’t say anything, didn’t even cut out their normal announcements or their crappy music.  Very disappointing.

But, what did I expect.  There is no respect any more.  No thankfulness for the things we have.  I’m incredibly disappointed.  Yes, it was poor planning on our part, but at the same time, I’m kinda glad we were out in public at 3 pm.  Had we been on the road, I’d have pulled off to the side of the road and waited respectfully for that 60 seconds…and I bet we’d have been alone.

I don’t know what I expected.

So, let’s move on and let’s laugh.

Lawyer:  My client is trapped inside a penny

Judge:  What?

Lawyer:  He’s in a cent.

Judge:  You’re going to jail with him

BEAUTY PARLOR

 

A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS

The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF

Cold Storage.

INFLATION

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO

An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN

A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET

A story you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW

One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN

An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES

Something other people have….similar to my character lines.

OLD

I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an affair.

She turned to me and asked, “Are you having it catered?”

And that, my friend, is the definition of OLD! 

In youth, the days are short and the years are long. In old age, the years are short and days long.

New Dragon 2.0.  The latest in dragon technology.

From Pete ….

Ya know, living alone and being under a stay at home order, I go for several days without seeing or even talking to one other human being….but don’t get me wrong……there are downsides too……

Bozo criminal for today is our first ever bozo from the K-9 Division. From Waukesha, Wisconsin comes the story of Officer “Nutz”, a seven year old German Shepherd on the city drug enforcement team. It seems Officer Nutz escaped from his kennel and headed straight to a nearby grocery where he triggered the automatic door and walked right in. Our K-9 bozo then made a beeline for the meat department, snagged himself a package of prime rib and dashed for the exit. Unfortunately for Officer Nutz the crime was captured by the store’s security cameras. He’s been placed on administrative leave pending an investigation by the internal affairs department.

Yeah … just cause it’s a cool pic

Yeah, fuck you Elf on a shelf, time to meet Alien in the crawl space!

MINNESOTA QUARTERS ALERT (IMPORTANT)

Hang on to any of the new Minnesota Quarters you may

acquire.

They may be worth MUCH MORE than 25 cents!

The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the

Minnesota quarters that are part of its program featuring

quarters from each state.

This action is being taken after numerous reports that the

new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths,

vending machines, pay phones or any other coin-operated

devices.

The problem lies in the unique makeup of the Minnesota

quarter, which was designed by a couple of Norwegian

specialists, Sven and Ole. Apparently the duct tape holding

the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the

machines.

UFF Da!

YA SHURE – YOU BETCHA

I duck my head down while driving into underground parking garages to make my car fit, in case you wondered what kind of superior intellect I’ve passed down to my kids.

Then we have this stupid bitch…

And every veteran and family member of a vet wept

And then I found this PERFECT cartoon:   Thanks Aussie Pete!!!

And this Darwin Award worthy send from Sasquatch cracked me up!

Today I was driving in the city of Detroit where I saw a couple of guys pushing one truck with another with a rimless tire in between. The tire slipped out going around a corner resulting in minor crunching and the tire stuck up under the push truck. About 15 minutes later I was back on the road and saw them again. To make sure that the tire didn’t slip out again they had one guy sitting on the hood of the truck with his legs wrapped around the tire to keep it between the two trucks. I’m thinking I’ll probably be seeing him in a wheelchair at a freeway off ramp or party store looking for money soon.

And a couple of Darwin Award worthy photos:

This next one I just want to wait and watch for them to leave …

And in the category of “Why Can’t I Get a Job?” and “Where Do My Tax Dollars Go For Welfare Money?”

And most of you youngsters aren’t gonna get THAT one, either.

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on tinder do I can match with my roommate and tell him I’m coming over tonight so he’ll clean the apartment.

I’m not sure if this is from a guy or a girl, but either way … well played.

MY EYES!!!!!

The Immigrants Poem

  I cross river, poor and broke, take bus, see employment folk.
  Nice man treat me good in there, say I need go see Welfare.
  Welfare say, ‘you come no more, we send cash, right to your door.
Welfare checks, they make you wealthy, Medicaid, it keep you healthy!
  By and by, got plenty money, thanks to you, TAXPAYER dummy.
  Write to friends in motherland, tell them ‘come, fast as you can’
   They come in buses and Chevy trucks,
  I buy big house, with welfare bucks. They come here, we live together,
  More welfare checks, it gets better!
  Fourteen families, they moving in, but neighbor’s patience wearing thin.
  Finally, white guy moves away, I buy his house, and then I say,
  ‘Find more aliens, for house to rent. In my yard I put a tent.
  Send for family, they just trash, …. but they too, draw welfare cash!
  Everything is very good, soon we own whole neighborhood..
  We have hobby, it called breeding, Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist? Wife need pills? We get free! We got no bills!
  TAXPAYER crazy! He pay all year, to keep Welfare running here.
  We think America, darn good place!   Too darn good, for white man race.

  If they no like us, they can go, got lots of room In Mexico.

Why do medications always have side effects like “anal leakage” and “suicidal thoughts”?  Why not “invisibility” or “spontaneous orgasms”?

Okay, to round out this issue… a story and then an very important Last Word.  This was sent to me by my Dad, Papa Dragon Most Senior, but originated with his wife.

“The American flag does not fly because the wind moves past it…the flag flies from the last breath of each military member who has died serving it.”

My lead flight attendant came to me and said, “We have an HR. on this flight.” (H.R. stands for Human Remains.)

“Are they military?” I asked

‘Yes’, she said.

‘Is there an escort?’ I asked.

‘Yes, I’ve already assigned him a seat’.

‘Would you please tell him to come to the Flight Deck. You can board him early,” I said…

A short while later a young army sergeant entered the flight deck. He was the image of the perfectly dressed soldier. He introduced himself and I asked him about his soldier.

The escorts of these fallen soldiers talk about them as if they are still alive and still with us. ‘My soldier is on his way from Iraq back to Virginia,’ he said. He proceeded to answer my questions, but offered no  other words.

I asked him if there was anything I could do for him and he said no. I told him that he had the toughest job in the military, and that I appreciated the work that he does for the families of our fallen soldiers. The first officer and I got up out of our seats to shake his hand. He left the Flight Deck to find his seat.

We completed our preflight checks, pushed back and performed an uneventful departure.

About 30 minutes into our flight, I received a call from the lead flight attendant in the cabin.

‘I just found out the family of the soldier we are carrying, is also on board’, she said. She then proceeded to tell me that the father, mother, wife and 2-year old daughter were escorting their son, husband, and father home. The family was upset because they were unable to see the container that the soldier was in before we left.

We were on our way to a major hub at which the family was going to wait four hours for the connecting flight home to Virginia. The father of the soldier told the flight attendant that knowing his son was below him in the cargo compartment and being unable to see him was too much for him and the family to bear. He had asked the flight attendant if there was anything that could be done to allow them to see him upon our arrival. The family wanted to be outside by the cargo door

I could hear the desperation in the flight attendants voice when she asked me if there was anything I could do. ‘I’m on it’, I said. I told her that I would get back to her.

Airborne communication with my company normally occurs in the form of e-mail like messages. I decided to bypass this system and contact my flight dispatcher directly on a secondary radio. There is a radio operator in the operations control center who connects you to the telephone of the dispatcher. I was in direct contact with the dispatcher. I explained the situation I had on board with the family and what it was the family wanted. He said he understood and that he would get back to me.

Two hours went by and I had not heard from the dispatcher. We were going to get busy soon and I needed to know what to tell the family. I sent a text message asking for an update I saved the return message from the dispatcher and the following is the text:

‘Captain, sorry it has taken so long to get back to you. There is policy on this now, and I had to check on a few things. Upon your arrival a dedicated escort team will meet the aircraft. The team will escort the family to the ramp and plane side. A van will be used to load the remains with a secondary van for the family.

The family will be taken to their departure area and escorted into the terminal, where the remains can be seen on the ramp. It is a private area for the family only. When the connecting aircraft arrives, the family will be escorted onto the ramp and plane side to watch the remains being loaded for the final leg home.

Captain, most of us here in flight control are veterans. Please pass our condolences on to the family. Thanks.

I sent a message back, telling flight control thanks for a good job. I printed out the message and gave it to the lead flight attendant to pass on to the father. The lead flight attendant was very thankful and told me, ‘You have no idea how much this will mean to them.’

Things started getting busy for the descent, approach and landing. After landing, we cleared the runway and taxied to the ramp area. The ramp is huge with 15 gates on either side of the alleyway. It is always a busy area with aircraft maneuvering every which way to enter and exit. When we entered the ramp and checked in with the ramp controller, we were told that all traffic was being held for us

‘There is a team in place to meet the aircraft’, we were told. It looked like it was all coming together, then I realized that once we turned the seat belt sign off, everyone would stand up at once and delay the family from getting off the airplane. As we approached our gate, I asked the copilot to tell the ramp controller, we were going to stop short of the gate to make an announcement to the passengers. He did that and the ramp controller said, ‘Take your time.’

I stopped the aircraft and set the parking brake. I pushed the public address button and said: ‘Ladies and gentleman, this is your Captain speaking: I have stopped short of our gate to make a special announcement. We have a passenger on board who deserves our honor and respect. His name is Private XXXXXX, a soldier who recently lost his life. Private XXXXXX is under your feet in the cargo hold. Escorting him today is Army Sergeant XXXXXX. Also, on board are his father, mother, wife, and daughter Your entire flight crew is asking for all passengers to remain in their seats to allow the family to exit the aircraft first. Thank you.’

We continued the turn to the gate, came to a stop and started our shutdown procedures. A couple of minutes later I opened the cockpit door. I found the two forward flight attendants crying, something you just do not see. I was told that after we came to a stop, every passenger on the aircraft stayed in their seats, waiting for the family to exit the aircraft.

When the family got up and gathered their things, a passenger slowly started to clap his hands. Moments later, more passengers joined in and soon the entire aircraft was clapping. Words of ‘God Bless You’, I’m sorry, thank you, be proud, and other kind words were uttered to the family as they made their way down the aisle and out of the airplane. They were escorted down to the ramp to finally be with their loved one.

Many of the passengers disembarking thanked me for the announcement I had made. They were just words, I told them, I could say them over and over again, but nothing I say will bring back that brave soldier.

I respectfully ask that all of you reflect on this event and the sacrifices that millions of our men and women have made to ensure our freedom and safety in these United States of AMERICA.

Foot note: I know everyone who reads this will have tears in their eyes, including me. Prayer chain for our Military. Don’t break it! Please send this on after a short prayer for our service men and women.

Don’t break it!

They die for me and mine and you and yours and deserve our honor and respect

Prayer Request: When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for our troops around the world. There is nothing attached. Just send this to people in your address book. Do not let it stop with you. Of all the gifts you could give a Marine, Soldier, Sailor, Coast Guardsman, Airman, and others deployed in harm’s way, prayer is the very best one. And do not forget to remember our law enforcement officers and firemen.

GOD BLESS YOU!

Yes, I know you’ve probably heard this story before, but it was worth repeating…now

I know I’ve asked you guys for stuff in the past, and maybe it’s to the point where I’ve worn out my welcome and please don’t feel like you HAVE to do anything, but I received a work email today that I just felt like I had to share with you guys.  Now, I have to edit it because I’m not sure I’m supposed to share it, but I’m going to anyway, because I know I can trust you guys and because, well … screw it, I just am.

A Security Forces Squadron Member was recently involved in a vehicle accident. The Member and her family have an immediate need for child expenses, necessities to meet basic day to day living needs and funds to prepare for long term care. The Member is located out of state and anything donated to the Member will need to be collected and mailed.

Any contributions or cash donations (including gift cards, prepaid VISAs, etc.) are purely voluntary and will be greatly appreciated. If you would like to donate or have questions, please contact ….

We will collect donations through Sunday of the July UTA. Thank you.

Okay, a little bit of the back story.  I can’t tell you her name, or much about the injury other than it’s pretty bad and the long term care thing might be significant.  Her and her husband have little kids at home and it’s really a sad situation and freak kind of accident.

The problem is there is no go fund me site or anything like that that I can direct you to (there might be that the family set up that they haven’t shared with us because we are not legally allowed to share that on base) so the only thing that I can do is donate cash to the people that I’ve edited out of the above email.  And the July UTA (Unit Training Assembly) is just a couple of weeks away.  So, the only thing I can think of, is for you guys to donate in the normal manner to Dragon Laffs, I convert it to cash and then make the cash donation to the officer who is taking donations in the name of Dragon Laffs.

What do you guys think?  Reply in the comments, let me know.  And God Bless You All.

Impish Dragon

Greetings Campers,

Well, due to work complications, 12 to 14 hour shifts from now through the weekend, the next Dragon Laffs you guys get probably won’t be until next Thursday. 

I’m sorry that’s how it works out, but since my office is severely understaffed right now, that’s the way it’s working out.

Be well my dear friends and family until then.  I just didn’t want you to worry that something was wrong with me or Mrs. Dragon if you didn’t hear from me at the usual times.  It’s just work.  Work that I love, but … man … they could ease up a little.  LOL!

Cheers, my friends.

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Memorial Day.  A day we commemorate to the memory of the men and women who have given their all to the service of others.  This is what History.com has to say about Memorial Day.

Memorial Day is an American holiday, observed on the last Monday of May, honoring the men and women who died while serving in the U.S. military. Memorial Day 2021 will occur on Monday, May 31.

Originally known as Decoration Day, it originated in the years following the Civil War and became an official federal holiday in 1971. Many Americans observe Memorial Day by visiting cemeteries or memorials, holding family gatherings and participating in parades. Unofficially, it marks the beginning of the summer season.

Early Observances of Memorial Day

The Civil War, which ended in the spring of 1865, claimed more lives than any conflict in U.S. history and required the establishment of the country’s first national cemeteries.

By the late 1860s, Americans in various towns and cities had begun holding springtime tributes to these countless fallen soldiers, decorating their graves with flowers and reciting prayers.

Did you know? Each year on Memorial Day a national moment of remembrance takes place at 3:00 p.m. local time.

It is unclear where exactly this tradition originated; numerous different communities may have independently initiated the memorial gatherings. And some records show that one of the earliest Memorial Day commemorations was organized by a group of formerly enslaved people in Charleston, South Carolina less than a month after the Confederacy surrendered in 1865. Nevertheless, in 1966 the federal government declared Waterloo, New York, the official birthplace of Memorial Day.

All of that is nice.  But, what is Memorial Day, really.  I know when I worked for the State Police, they always had a celebration for their fallen officers on Memorial Day.  And I know most, if not all, other police and fire departments do something similar.  And that, I believe, is appropriate.  They too, serve our fellow countrymen.  Defending us and protecting us.  And they too should be honored. 

In this current age of defunding the police and dishonoring the military, it shames me to see the state our country is headed towards.  But I know our campground does not fall into that abyss of evil, that mired swamp of pollution that the rest of the country may be headed towards and that this sacred campground that we all hold dear in our hearts will hold true this day and honor the men and women who’ve made that ultimate sacrifice for all of us.  To keep us safe from harm, to keep us free.

So, let us begin our Memorial Day issue.  Yes, there will be humor.  But, there will also be seriousness and time for reflection.  And at 1500 hrs on Monday, I hope we all stop what we are doing and take a moment to stand and bow our heads and say a short prayer of thanks for those who have gone before us and stand as honor guard and await our arrival at the Heavenly Paradise that is ultimate goal of us all.

I don’t know how much of that is true.  I’ve heard similar things in the past and Mrs. Dragon, who is a Genealogist, can’t seem to verify the accuracy of it, but says that she has seen it often enough that she believes it is true.

And there were so many more of them that didn’t get to then did.

Nope, that’s not what it’s about at all.  And it annoys me when, even History.com associates it with “the beginning of summer” and everyone I talk to is thinking of nothing but going camping, or partying or something else.

Take a minute to tell a young person about a Vet that you know who gave their all for your freedom.  If you don’t know anyone, let me know and I’ll be happy to tell you about Lethal Leprechaun…a dear friend and co-author of this ezine for many, many years.  Former Marine who finally succumbed to his wounds that he suffered with for many, many years that he received when a fellow Marine stepped on an IED in front of him and was killed.  His name is still across the masthead of this website and will stay there as long as this website exists, at least, as long as I’m in charge of it, I guess.

 

That one always … every single time … brings a tear to my eye.

The MOST expensive thing this country has ever paid for.

Wow!  I can’t believe I found that.  10 years ago … Now that brings a tear to my eye!  And that, I believe is a fitting end to the Memorial Day portion of this edition of Dragon Laffs.  It is still early, so I’m not sure if I’ll add more to this or not.  I guess we’ll see as the weekend progresses.

But before we go, Mrs. Dragon sent me another one that I have to share with you …

And one sent in by Pete that I really like … and I’ll probably keep adding to this part of the ezine as I get stuff until I publish …

Okay, now let’s put some laughter through here …

I wonder how many people have no idea what this is even a picture of.

From the International File comes our story of bozo criminal and Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet who mailed a letter bomb to an opposing faction’s leader. Unfortunately, our bozo did not put enough postage on the letter and it came back with “Return to Sender” stamped on it. Forgetting exactly what it was, our unfortunate bozo opened the letter, blowing himself up.

This has also been a Darwin Award winner … a couple of times, I think.

My hobbies include long scrolls down my phone, talking to my pets, binge watching Netflix, singing in the shower, staying in my PJs too long, being tired all day … then not sleeping at night, drinking everything but water, ordering stuffs online, reading about new diets while eating cake, and making to do lists of things I will never do.

Thanks to Ted for sending this along.  Very telling and very appropriate right now.  It also tells me that there aren’t very many real many around right now.

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen’s breasts for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King’s chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.

Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s breasts. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn’t have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick…

The local gang comes to town…

English is a crazy language

English is the only language where you drive in parkways and park in driveways.

It’s also the only language where you recite in a play and play in a recital.

Your fingers have fingertips, but your toes don’t have toetips.

Yet, you can tiptoe, but not tipfinger.

The word Queue is just a Q followed by four silent letters

Jail and Prison are synonyms.  But Jailer and Prisoner are antonyms.

When you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment.  But when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

Oopps!  It must have slipped.

Marriage is all about spending the rest of your life with someone you want to strangle … and not doing it because you’d miss them.

Life has no remote.  Get up and change it yourself.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Salt Lake City, Utah. It seems bozo Ryan Slater had a matter he needed to discuss with the police, so he walked up to an officer who was investigating another incident. The cop told him he was busy at the moment but that he would talk to him as soon as he was finished. So, our bozo just waited his turn, right? Wrong. He found a second cop who gave him the same response. So, now, what to do? How about climb into a marked K-9 patrol vehicle, with the police dog caged in the back. Yep, and he drove the car around the block before pulling up to another officer. Now, he had their attention…but not in the way he hoped. He’s busted! Charged with theft of a police vehicle.

Mrs. Dragon says it’s only fair for me to post this sign around our cave and property.

Carlos sent me a story with a picture.  Said he had a bit of problem …

I told the boy to get me a 5/8 wrench.  He told me to get it myself … damn kids!

Sometimes I like to mess with my family and hide their stuff where they can’t find it.

Like I put their shoes in the shoe closet, their jacket on a hanger, and their keys on the key hook.

And that has to be it for this very giant issue that has been a bit of a tearful one for me.  May you celebrate your day in your way, but be safe and return home in health.  One more special one on the way out with love and happiness.

Good Morning Campers,

Going to be a small edition today so that I can get to work on the Memorial Day Special for Monday.  I was going to go straight to the Memorial Day one but I have so much on my mind that I just had to have an outlet to get rid of some of it.

Mrs. Dragon saw the specialist the other day and although we both liked him quite a bit, he pretty much just scheduled more tests so we’re just back to waiting again.

But at least we’re moving in the right direction.  So, we’ll see.  More to come.

So, let’s move on to the fun stuff, shall we?

Catwoman is looking a little virile. 

I had the rudest, slowest, nastiest cashier today.

I guess it’s my own fault for using the self checkout lane.

You young people still don’t have a clue, do you?

I like that part in that Cardi B song where it’s over and she shuts the fuck up.

In the 1980s, A&W tried to compete with the McDonald’s Quarter Pounder by selling a 1/3 pound burger at a lower cost.  The product failed, because most customers thought the 1/4 pound was bigger.

This is why I don’t argue online.

And why I feel there is very little hope for our future.

Snoop Dogg is the only one that can have the hairstyle of a 5 year-old girl and still look cool.

“I look so pretty … oh, so pretty … I am so pretty, so pretty …”

How about one of these …

Stephanie

Wow. If my calculations of the vintage of the dragonette are correct, we have been together 13 years. Most marriages,sadly, don’t last this long.
Here’s to hoping we are able to spend another 13 years together.

Amen, dear friend.  And love you right back. 

Have faith in the Pfizer vaccine.  Don’t forget they make Viagra.  If they can raise the dead .. they can save the living.

Mother Nature always wears the latest fashions.

Experts:  A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Actual humans:  I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

And you thought those kinds of pictures were just for guys.

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low today.  I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there is a new strain out there.

Sorry brother … there’s nothing any of us can do.

Because 50 years ago, you didn’t have to first explain what a wrench was.

The only reason I wanted to be an adult was to have sex and curse.  All this paying bills and waking up to go to work wasn’t the plan.

Kansas produces enough wheat each year to feed everyone in the world for about two weeks.

This is probably from the same guy who got curious about what the Taser would feel like …

The neighbors had been complaining that my dogs have been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar.  When a dog barks, it shoots a blast of citronella under their nose and apparently they don’t like it.

This evening I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the citronella liquid. And that’s where my evening should have ended. But no, it’s me, and I begin to become curious as to “how” the collars actually work.

So I’m standing by my back door “barking” at my dog’s collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it’s turned on, check the fill level, and go through the “getting started” checklist one more time.

Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I’m not quite sure why I had this next thought, but I did…I put the collar on. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face.

I began coughing, which only caused the damn collar to continue squirting bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity. I’m now on my hands and knees in my backyard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the dog is barking.

So between coughing and yelling at him to shut up, I’ve emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus, I’m trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco.

I finally got the collar off and threw, yes I threw that inhumane thing across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the humid evening air.

In the middle of thinking this is probably the dumbest thing I’ve done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so damn hard he couldn’t breathe. Between gasps, he tells me, “I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you’d set it off again and then I would start laughing and couldn’t make it.”

So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok, we parted ways and I went into the shower so I wouldn’t smell like ode de’ Tiki Torch.

Lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure of that:

1. Don’t fill the collar before trying to set it off.

2. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation.

On the plus side, I won’t have a mosquito problem for a few days!

This is what Wiltshire, England looks like.

Been there and yes, it’s that cool.

$29.95 for a club sandwich and fries!  Are you kidding me?  I asked the waitress, she said it’s usually $6.95, but the cost of lumber is so high it’s the four tooth picks that drove up the price!

WTF?

And that’s it for today my friends.  Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

One thousand, nine-hundred issues.  Holy crap.  That’s actually one heck of a milestone.  In just a few weeks it will be our 15 year anniversary … that’s like tin foil or something, I think.  Okay, so I just looked it up and it’s crystal.  Ooooohhhh!  Crystal!  I’d like some crystal!

Anyway, another busy, boring week.  Work, work, work, work, work.

Just got a donation from Carlos W!  Thanks Carlos!  I deeply appreciate it!  You have no idea.  It matters.  Thank you.

So, nothing to bitch about this morning, so let’s move on to the good stuff, shall we?

To the lady with all the screaming kids at Wal-mart who’s wondering how the box of condoms got into her cart …

You’re welcome.

Sasquatch – dude … looking good!

Yes … yes we are.

The Bozo criminal for this morning is from Dallas, Texas. Bozo Vashon Rhymes stole an inner city passenger bus from the Greyhound terminal downtown. It seems our bozo knew how to start the bus and get it going but unfortunately he didn’t know how to release the parking brake. Consequently the back of the bus caught fire not too far down the road. Police arrested the bozo when he left his smoldering bus to go into a nearby Waffle House to call for help.

To help in our UFO conversation …

And speaking of which … I got a response from our dear camper, Leah D …

Leah D

So many things to reply to today. So here is chapter 1.
In the 60’s the Uintah Basin area of Utah was a hot bed of UFO activity.
My younger sister was graduating from some school thing, in the town 12 miles away from our farm home. It was a ‘school night’, so would be ending early, .My mother and sister left, I was in charge of the 5 children left at home.
They didn’t come home. Still not home. It’s so late, I’m so tired, I nod off. I don’t know what time it was they came, but when I ask what happened? Where in the world have they been? Mother spoke in a monotone saying too tired to talk about it, and went to bed.
When they had dropped from one bench to a lower bench, they saw the object hovering, and she started to feel weird, unable to drive, pulled over. It was very close, they could see detail. They described like windows on the side of it, could see something inside.
As far as they knew, they were there a few minutes, it left, and so did they, but they did see it off to the east side of them, following them, above the Duchesne River. They were so many hours late, but did not know it until they got home and saw the clock.
My friend and I also had an experience of missing time . . . but that would be another chapter.

Missing time is quite common.  I would be interested in hearing more.  Very intriguing.  Thanks for sharing.

Anyone else want to share any stories?

“Is there a reason why you aren’t using the front door?”

Okay, I’ve got a crap load of these that I’m going to give you guys all at the same time …

That was like 20 Dad jokes in a row … and for that, I’m sorry.

To Err is Human

To blame it on someone else shows management potential

What an excellent drawing!

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.  The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.

I have put a lot of thought into it and I just don’t think being an adult is gonna work for me.

Does no one else think it’s shameful we have to put up a sign to tell people to do this?

Exercise makes you look better naked.

So does wine.

Your choice.

I often worry about the safety of my children.

—–

Especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me and talking back right now.

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?” “Si, Sand,” answered Juan. The guard says, “We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!”

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

The next day, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?” “Sand,” says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.

Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. “Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?” Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles…”

This is what a bubble looks like mid-pop

Boston has the worst drivers out of the nation’s 200 largest cities.  Kansas City has the best drivers.

I think this is a good way to end this issue…issue number 1900 … the issue leading into Memorial Day weekend.  With a very poignant look at our Nation’s Capitol:

National Guard to Pull Out Of Capitol

 

WASHINGTON—The National Guard, deployed to secure the U.S. Capitol in the wake of the Jan. 6 attack by a pro-Trump mob, will end its mission there Wednesday, the Pentagon said.

The troops began arriving at the Capitol hours after Trump supporters breached the Capitol building while Congress was certifying the election of President Biden. The number of troops at one point peaked at 26,000, representing all 50 states, three territories and the District of Columbia. Their strength has been gradually reduced, and roughly 1,600 members remain at the complex.

The Pentagon hasn’t provided an updated cost estimate since March, when it said it had spent $521 million. Although the soldiers are leaving, officials warn that the hardened security measures around the Capitol would remain.

The Capitol Police twice requested the National Guard to extend its mission.

Mr. Biden offered “deepest thanks and enduring gratitude to the women and men of our National Guard” for the effort.

  BY NANCY A. YOUSSEF AND LINDSAY WISE  

5/25/2021

And that my dear and fellow campers is that for another day.  May you find peace, happiness, and laughter this day.