It’s Saturday, and I’m working again.  But, I only have one class today and I’m only working on Saturday.  So I SHOULD be able to get a Monday issue out this weekend, but this is Saturday’s issue we’re dealing with, so let’s talk about Saturday type stuff.  And that means anything from Wednesday (when I finished the last issue) till Saturday (when I anticipate this issue will be read). 

So, right now, as I’m writing this, it’s Thursday, late afternoon.  I got off work a little bit early, so I thought I’d throw an hour at this before I have to go to my LEPC meeting tonight.  So, for those of you who don’t know, LEPC is Local Emergency Planning Committee.  It is a county organization that I am required, by Department of the Air Force Regulation, to be a part of.  And actually, because of where our base sits, we belong to three different county LEPCs.  And because there is me, my deputy, and my assistant deputy, each of us takes a different county.  I take the county the base actually sits in, which I consider to be the “main” county.  My deputy takes the county that is the “biggest” county in the area (which is why we also belong to that county) and the assistant deputy takes the county that we also sit a tiny portion in (one far end of the runway sits in another county) and is the third in line as he is in seniority.  BUT, he has the highest aspirations and has a declared goal of having my job in 3 years time.  Which, is a pretty good goal seeing as how I don’t retire until 3 1/2 to 4 years from now. 

And I approved his goal on his personal progress plan…

Which surprised the hell out of him…

And I told him I would do what I could to help him achieve his goal. 

So, that was a lot more information than you needed to know.  Anyway, there’s lots to go over today.  Including some mail, so let’s get started, shall we?

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a Grande Iced Mocha, No Foam, Quad, Soy, Hexagon, Vortex, Hypothesis, with Steamed Ice.”

I used to LOVE that show!!!!

STOP TAKING FACEBOOK SO SERIOUSLY!  MOST OF YOUR LIKES ARE COMING FROM PEOPLE ON THE TOILET!

I literally have over 75% of these STILL, I think I have owned ALL of these at some point in my life and one of these, was the very first album that I ever bought for myself with my own money!  Any guesses as to which one it was?  Anyone? 

Go ahead…

Take a guess…

Okay…

I’ll tell you…

The answer is…

The very first album…

That I ever bought…

For myself…

With my very own money…

On my own…

Was…

As HUGE a fan of the Moody Blues as I am it wasn’t them!…

It was…

Deep Purple: Machine Head with not only Smoke on the Water, but what I think is one of the most fantastic Side B songs of all times…Lazy.

Welcome to my misaligned youth.

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have started asking humans to prove that they aren’t a robot.

Another bring your pet to work pic.  I’ll leave it up to you to figure out which is the pet and which is the employee.

I miss the old-time movie stars.  You know, the ones who wore clothes and had talent.

Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years, the dry erase board is probably the most remarkable.

This happened yesterday and is important information for our age
 group.  Especially those of us over 65. 

A friend had his 4th dose of the vaccine – the “booster” at a CVS Pharmacy, after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home. 

When he did get home, he immediately called the pharmacy for advice about seeing a doctor, or to be hospitalized. He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but to immediately return to the pharmacy and pick up his glasses.

Our locker room area is a little different than most others, too.

It’s too bad that even at our age, we’re not mature enough to meet for “A” drink, because it will somehow turn into 7 drinks, 5 shots, 3 bottles of wine, and a 2-day hangover.

And you say that like it’s a bad thing…

Just What The Fuck?

Man, they took his horde and everything!!!

Don’t let anyone else ruin your day. 

It’s YOUR day. 

Ruin it yourself.

This damn woman in the gas station just ignored the no pet sign and brought that camel toe in anyway…

There must be one hell of an explanation behind this sign…I know I sure have questions…

“Lemon Pickers Needed”, read the ad in the newspaper.  

 Ms. Sally Mulligan of Clearwater Beach, Florida, saw it, and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.

 She submitted her application for a job in a Florida lemon grove, but seemed far too qualified for the job.

 She has a liberal arts degree from Texas Tech, and a master’s degree from the University of Tennessee.

 For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher.  

 The foreman studied her application, frowned, and said, “I see that you are well educated, and have an impressive resume. “However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have,” she said. “I’ve been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, voted twice for Obama, once for Hillary and most recently for Biden.”  

 She started work yesterday.

I can’t wait for warm summer nights, outside on the patio. 

*326 mosquitos liked your post*

HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the damn THERMOSTAT?

And that’s it for today my friends.  We’ll see what happens over the weekend.  Love and happiness to you all.

Okay, so I was out mowing the lawn, and as I usually do, I listen to music.  Usually loud, and with the headphones set so that they blank out the background noise so I don’t hear the sound of the mower.  Anyway, one of Mary’s songs came on and I started singing along and crying … which, you can imagine, is a really bad combination on the back of a power mower.  It was Melissa Etheridge, Like the Way I do.  A real power ballad.  Well, I was crying so hard that I couldn’t see where I was going and … well … I hit the house.  Thankfully, it was on the brick part, with the tires so no damage, but I guess the thud was loud enough that Izzy was startled enough inside and the dogs were going nuts.  She came outside to find me crying on the back of the lawnmower … not my best look. LOL!  We both sat out there and laughed for about 5 minutes.  She went in to calm down the dogs and I finished mowing the lawn without further incident. 

Mary … this one is for you!

Just when you think that food can NOT possibly call you on the phone, BOOM!
Onion rings.

Let’s do a real quick one of these PSA’s.  I found this on one of the Air Force Emergency Management Boards that I belong to and found it quite informative.

I found this really cool lightning background, set the timer on my cell phone and propped it up on a chair and then jumped up in the air when the timer went off to get this picture.  Actually, I had to try seven times before I got THIS picture.  (I didn’t keep the other six)  Looks cool, right?

So, now these next batch of pictures are all from the same source, as you’ll be able to tell from the first picture — and they’re all from Stephanie.

Now…wasn’t that a twisted collection of …fish?  Whatever they were.  LOL!  Thanks Steph!

Another “Pet Day” picture.  Here’s Harold, with his pet Lisa.

If a child can work a tablet, phone, or game they can work a broom, mop, and dishes!

So…Sasquatch and I started an email conversation that worked its way around to redheads, and, well…I’ll let you join the conversation with that knowledge

Sasquatch:  Trouble seems to be a guiding light sometimes…or is it just cute redheads?  Maybe one and the same.

Impish:  In my experience, cute redheads are ALWAYS trouble.

Sasquatch:  Well, they say well behaved women rarely make history.  My history with redheads does indicate that they are memorable.

Impish:  Yup, mine have been…historic as well.

And then Sasquatch sent along these 3 Memes…

Yeah, that’s pretty much been my experience…

Never been with a blonde for very long, but they’ve been … fun, brunettes have screwed me over twice, but the third time was definitely the charm, (maybe ’cause there was a bit of redhead in there) and the couple of redheads in my life have scared hell out of me.

I do that now.

Tesla is truly smart technology!!

I bought a new Tesla!! It’ll run on an electrical charge. Had to go back to the dealer yesterday because I couldn’t get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice-activated. “Nelson,” the technician said to the radio.

The radio replied, “Ricky or Willie?”

“Willie” he continued and “On The Road Again” flowed from the speakers. Then he said, “Ray Charles”, and in an instant “Georgia On My Mind” replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away so happy and for the next few days every time I’d say, “Beethoven” I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said, “Beatles” I’d get one of their awesome songs.

Well, yesterday, this woman ran a red light and nearly smashed into my new Tesla, but luckily, I swerved in time to avoid her. I yelled at her, “Crazy Bitch”!

The radio replied, “Hillary, Maxine, Kamala, Warren, AOC, or Pelosi?”

God, I love this car!

Okay, that’s disgusting!

So, is that too much TP? 

And how about some mail…or comments real quick?

Good word usage and good sentence structure.  B+

Thanks Cynical John, I’m trying my best, brother.  I get to finally see my counselor tomorrow, while you guys are reading this and I did get to talk to my doctor and get put on some antidepressants, I’ll let you know how that works out.

Thanks Wouter from Centurion, Gauteng, South Africa.  That is way cool!  Man, we have readers from all over the friggin’ WORLD!!!!! Ain’t that sumpin’!  Regards right back atcha!

Why do I feel like there should be a rimshot meme after that last one?

Will make inquires regarding blonde.  And yes, hunters and banjo music do seem to have bad history. 

And that does it for the mail for today.  

A couple of more weird rooms thanks to Stephanie.

So, I got into a taxi this morning and the driver said, “Do you mind if I put on some music?” 

I said, “No, not at all.”

He said, “Kiss?” 

I replied, “Let’s just start with the music and see how we feel after that.”

I don’t know if I could take a dump in what I imagine is supposed to be Donald Duck’s mouth…

Feelin’ awful hampsterish…

Yesterday I completed a chore I’ve been putting off for 4 months. 

It took me 20 minutes. 

I will learn nothing from this.

And to add insult to injury, it looks like he’s talking on his phone!

Why?  Just, Why?

And THAT seems like the perfect END to today’s issue.  Thanks again for all your help and input to today’s edition of Dragon Laffs.  I couldn’t have done it without you.  Love and happiness to you all.

 

Well, it’s been another weekend.  Yup.  Another long weekend.  It has been brought to my attention that I should be on antidepressants.  I’m not sure how I feel about that.  I know I’m depressed.  Fuck, everybody knows that I’m depressed.  The fucking mailman probably knows I’m depressed.  But, I’m not sure how I feel about taking a pill for depression …

What the fuck is wrong with me? 

I was on Prozac once for a couple of years and I don’t think it did anything.  So, that’s probably why I’m not sure how I feel about going on antidepressants now. 

But, since everybody seems to be pointing me in that direction, I guess it can’t hurt to try.  I wrote my doctor an email asking her to prescribe.  Not sure what she will do, but I don’t have an appointment with her until July, which I think is too long, but with my surgery coming in June and everything else going on, I’m not sure what she’s going to want to do.

So, I do know what we are going to do in the mean time…

Nothing starts my day off quite like when I give inspirational messages to my friends. 

May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear not ride up your butt.

Thank you Carol for posting this.  It helps a lot!

You may think that you are completely insignificant in this world.  But someone drinks coffee from the favorite cup that you gave them.  Someone heard a song on the radio that reminded them of you.  Someone read the book that you recommended, and plunged headfirst into it.  Someone smiled after a hard day of work, because they remembered the joke that you told them today.  Someone loves themselves little bit more, because you gave them a compliment.  Never think that you have no influence whatsoever.  Your touch, word and good deed which you leave behind cannot be erased.

Okay, so it’s an old one, but it’s a good one…

Cop:  So, I’m writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.  

Me:  You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

I had a Goldfish that could break dance on the carpet.

But only for like 20 seconds.

And only once.

Babysitting used to be such an easy gig…

COMMON SENSE is like deodorant.  The people who need it most never use it.

Imagine being rich enough that you don’t have to watch YouTube videos every time something in your house breaks.

Not sure if I would have beaten the kid or bragged on him…

We once had this special day at Dragon Laffs, Inc. called bring your favorite pet to work day.  It got a little out of hand.  Here are the Murphy Twins with their pet human, Cheryl.  Needless to say, this caused all kinds of problems with HR.

I’m writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life. 

It’s an oughtobiography.

(Took us a while, but I knew we’d get one.)

That one was actually subtle and funny and as hell.

Another deep one

Why do Bigfoot hunters try to lure him with a mating call?  Do they have a game plan for if a huge hairy beast comes barreling out of the woods, full tilt towards them, with a raging hard-on?  And what’s plan B?  Claim they now have a headache? 

All good questions…Hey, brother Sasquatch, any input here?

Some girls don’t like to walk in the rain because it changes their face back to factory settings.

There’s nothing scarier than the split scond where you lose our balance in the shower and think “Oh God, they’re going to find me naked.”

Well, haven’t gotten much for this section, but here’s a couple…

I should probably save this next one for Mother’s Day, but I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be celebrating Mother’s Day this year and doing my best to keep Izzy Dragon’s mind on something else…just like I completely forgot in Dragon Laffs that yesterday was Easter.  Don’t worry, Izzy and I had a nice little Easter on our own, but it wasn’t the same, and it hurt.  It hurt a lot.  I know that I didn’t let her see how much it hurt me and she didn’t let me see how much it hurt her, but I’m pretty sure it hurt us both.  Anyway, like I said, this next one … Mother’s Day … etc.

And how about a new topic for a few issues.  Thanks to Stephanie for sending these our way…

In the old west, they would mount a lantern on their horse for traveling at night.  This was the first form of saddle light navigation.

Yeah, that’s not going to go over well. 

And that’s it for today my friends.  I want to thank everyone who have sent kind comments and emails supporting me, again…still.  It is deeply appreciated and helpful.  I’m not sure if it’s getting easier, it doesn’t feel like it is, but each day rolls around after the last one and I keep waking up in the morning with determination.  So, that’s something I suppose.  Thank you to all of you.  My love to you all.

So, I had an interesting Sunday, after I got done with Monday’s issue.  I mowed the lawn, but in the midst of getting the mower ready for the new season, I found this in the garage:

I know, it looks like a kitty but it’s NOT.  Here’s a closer picture.

Here’s a generic google picture to narrow it down even further:

It’s a white weasel, also known as an ermine.  Everyone thought it was a white ferret, but the paws are completely different.  I think it must have been someone’s pet, because it came right up to me, climbed up on my shoe.  I actually thought it was going to climb up my pant leg.  But, before I could get my camera out, that was the best picture I could get.  But, it did make for an interesting afternoon.  And I haven’t seen him since.

If there only were really signs like this out there…

Poor Bob.  Why does everybody always pick on Bob?

Today I am going to give it my some.

I tried to take a picture of my face, but the bathroom mirror was fogged up.

Okay I admit it, I’m having selfie steam issues.

When a Dragon is in love…

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty.
But the only way to be beautiful is to be loving.

Otherwise, it’s just “Congratulations about your face.”

~ John Mayer

Our video monitoring room, at Dragon Laffs, Inc.  Only the most modern of technologies for us.

You look in the mirror and sometimes see a mess of a human being.  But you don’t see the lives you’ve touched, or the people you’ve saved.  You don’t see all the love you’ve given freely, or the extraordinary memories you’ve made.  You are a book of beautiful moments and feelings.

Had a date tonight with a girl who screamed at the waitress about “bad service” (she was busy) I don’t care how hot she was, there will be no second date.

Amen brother!  You can tell so much about a person by how they treat the WW’s (for those of you not in the business that is the Waiters and Waitresses) and what a person does with a grocery cart when they are done using it.  Instant report card.  Also, a tip should be AT LEAST 15% for regular old service.  More for better service.  If you can’t afford to leave a tip then you can’t afford to eat out.  Get the food to go or eat at home.  Most servers make about 3 or 4 dollars an hour by their employers.  Just enough money to pay the taxes on the money that they are going to be charged in tips that you are going to pay them – WHETHER YOU ACTUALLY PAY THEM OR NOT.  They either have to report their tips or go on a percentage of the sales that they served that night.  WHICHEVER IS MORE.  At least that’s the way it used to be when I was running restaurants.  So, if you don’t tip them, not only are you not paying them for work they are doing for you, you are costing them money in taxes that they are going to have to pay on money that you SHOULD have paid.  If your food was wrong, it probably wasn’t your servers fault.  Sure, a good server could probably have fixed it before it got to you, but most of them are going to trust the cooks to get it right.  Okay, I’m getting off my server soap box…just one more thing…Impish and Izzy Dragon went out to dinner at Bob Evans the other night.  We go there quite a bit (once or twice a month) because we both like the country fried steak.  They now recognize us when we come in because they know we don’t ask for a lot and I’m a decent tipper.  The bill was 22 dollars and change and I left a 10 dollar tip.  Because that’s the way the dragons roll.  And whenever possible I tip in cash so that they can report what they want, not what the boss sees on the receipts. 

Okay, NOW I’m off the server soapbox.  

A really great historic photo!

When people say, “I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy”.  I’m thinking, you guys don’t hate your enemies enough!

So…you may have noticed that I missed out on Thursday’s issue.  I apologize for that, but I ended up getting sick this week and have spent the last couple of days in bed.  I think it’s been a combination of emotional and physical illness and the combination of the two just kicked my ass.  I do feel a bit better today and hope to feel even better over the weekend.  We shall see.  It’s also been busy in other ways, but that’s not something I can talk about here.  Let’s just say that there are a lot of other things going on in Impish Dragon’s life right now.  So, until next time, Love and Happiness to you all.

Izzy Dragon and I are watching the movie “Ray” with Jamie Fox.  She’s never seen it before.  And she keeps asking, “Why is everyone so mean to him?”  At the beginning of the movie and then, “Why is he cheating on his wife?”  How do you explain to a 20 year-old (who is going on 13) the historic exploitation of

• The handicapped
• The minorities
• The talented

And as we continued to watch the movie, she was aghast at how he did everything to his wife and the other women in his life that was done to him in his growing up.  But, how his nightmares kept coming back to haunt him throughout his life. 

And isn’t that the perfect analogy for life…everything we do comes back to us in the end.  To either haunt us or comfort us.  We can only hope that the things we do are of a comfort to us, but every single one of us has something, somewhere that haunts us, because, being human, we all make mistakes, but … let me give you some comfort in your mistakes… (and I have no damn idea how we got here this morning, but let’s go with it for now)

First of all, we’re all human and we all make them, so don’t feel like you’re out there on your own.  

Second, if you can always say that you are doing the best that you can at the time you are doing it, then no matter what happens, you have nothing to be upset about.

Okay, so I just reread what I had written…and I think maybe I’m talking to myself.  I think that I’m carrying around some guilt.  Like maybe a whole truckload, and I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to be doing about it. 

So this has really jumped around this morning…too much introspection, not enough laughter, so let’s change that last part…at least for a little while and see where the wind takes us…at least for now.

My wife and I got stuck in an elevator and when we got home, we told the story to our kids.  They just looked at us and said, “Soooo…. did ya get out?” 

My wife and I looked at each other and made a pact to go ahead and start drinking away their college fund.

Duct Tape is amazing!

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you.”

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap…and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!

“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies…

… “You just happened to catch my eye

This one was sent in by John S.  This is what he had to say: 

Morning Dragon,
A little tune about the Screaming Eagles Fighter Group Enjoy.
Be Well Dragon.

Nicely done Mr. Jennings!

Getting caught stealing an apple when I was but a wee dragonette.

How about a little mail

As did I…and many of you!!!

I Have An Elton John Pun

It’s A Little Bit Funny

Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockleshells
And pretty maids all in a row
And pretty maids all in a row

 

A nice Monty Python reference…

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s warranty.” 

My kids laugh because they think I’m crazy…

I laugh because they don’t know it’s hereditary.

Friggin’ Pete sent me this lovely quote that goes kinda well with my opening this morning and it’s called, “Our Fellow Man”

“Each one of us is a mixture of good qualities and some perhaps not so good qualities. In considering our fellow man, we should remember his good qualities and realize that his faults only prove that he is, after all, a human being. We should refrain from making harsh judgments of a person just because he happens to be a dirty, rotten, no-good son-of-a-bitch.”

Forgetting that our fellow man is a dirty, rotten, no-good son-of-a-bitch is difficult sometimes, especially when said fellow man is running your driver’s license, your city, county, state, or country at the moment.  It is difficult to find their good qualities when their bad are so overwhelmingly apparent and glaring.  But, I suppose, the whole idea is to try…try to be the better fellow man.  Set the example.  Even when it would be so much easier to just shoot the bastard.

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

 Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. “I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is “having company for dinner.” As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what’s going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired and irritated, and begins to wonder, “Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?”

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, “Is it raisin for you too then?”

No,” stammers the older man, “but it’s quivering a little.

Tradition (n.) Peer pressure from dead people.

I know the voices aren’t real, but man do the come up with some great ideas.

A little rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the country, and this phenomenon attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; moved to town; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee.

He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

“Sure,” said the druggist. “Every morning the six o’clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it’s too late to go back to sleep, and it’s too early to get up.”

Are they still “Bad Habits” if I like them???

Yes, so enjoy them all the more!!!

And it was even better in the 60’s and 70’s

I think way too many people have been drinking from the Fountain of Stupid.

I do believe they’ve been filling the watercoolers in Washington, D.C. from that same Fountain.

In the 1980s, A&W tried to compete with the Mcdonald’s Quarter Pounder by selling a 1/3 pound burger at a lower cost.  The product failed, because most customers thought the 1/4 pound was bigger. 

This is why I don’t argue online.

You know…it would be a hell of a push UP the ramp, but with enough space at the bottom, it might be one hell of a great ride DOWN the ramp! 

LIFE IS LIKE A CAMERA 
Focus on what’s Important
Capture the Good Times
Develop from the Negatives
And if things don’t work out
TAKE ANOTHER SHOT

I can’t think of a better place to wrap up today’s issue than with this 
Word of the day is “Spuddle” (17th century): to work ineffectively; to be extremely busy whilst achieving absolutely nothing.
I feel like that pretty much describes the last couple of days for me. LOL!  I’ve been spuddling about.  I have achieved stuff.  I’ve gotten this issue done, I’m going to try to get the lawn mowed for the first time this season, if it will warm up and dry up just a little bit more today.  But, spuddle, for the most part, I have done … and enjoyed myself.  So…until next we meet, may your days be filled with love and happiness my dear, dear friends.