Today is Memorial Day.  A day that we remember the men and women who have given their lives in the service of our country.  Traditionally, that has been the men and women of the military service, but I know the police service also remembers their fallen officers at this time as well.  And as well they should since they also serve and protect our citizenry.  I would like you to take a moment to join with me and bow your head in remembrance of all of those who gave the ultimate sacrifice for all of us.

*******************************************************************************

Thank you Leah for the above picture.  I really like it.

I experienced the WORST customer service today at a store in town. I don’t want to mention the name of the store because I’m not sure how I’m going to proceed. Last night I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn’t work. So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund. The girl in the store told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then. Again this person told me “NO.” I asked to talk to a manager now as I’m really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn’t work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was “OUT OF LUCK.”       No refund. No FREE replacement. Grrrrrrrrr. . I’ll tell you what…I am NEVER buying another Lottery Ticket from there again

My 5 year plan is to make it through this year.

 

Elon Musk offers to purchase the FBI for $100 billion.

No word yet if the Clinton’s are willing to sell.

Instructor:  Welcome to salsa class!  Who’s ready to learn how to dance?  

Me, hiding a bag of tortilla chips:  There’s been a misunderstanding.

Me:  I want a gun belt I can fit around my cat.  

Gun Shop:  That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.  

Me:  But, I could call her Kitty Kitty Bang Bang.  

Gun Shop:  …  

Me:  … 

Gun Shop:  Give me here measurements.

Now, let’s move on to a more fun filled issue.

I always see more people walking into Walmart than out of Walmart.  But the meat is cheap so I don’t ask questions.

Oh good, the mail is almost here.

Wife:  I just saw our daughter lining up her dolls to take turns in being burnt over a fire, do you know why she would do that? 

Me:  [nodding] Barbie queue

We live in a time where intelligent people are being silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

One of the ants on my ant farm dresses up as a clown to cheer up his friends. 

He’s an anti-depress ant.

This is just wrong!  Funny as hell, but wrong.

I bought a chicken earlier to make sandwiches. 

What a complete waste of time. 

All it does is run around the kitchen making clucking noises.

I don’t want a sugar daddy, but maybe like a sugar buddy.  I just hit him up like, “Hey, how are you today?” and he replies, “Doing great, thanks for asking.  Here’s $7,000.”

Some real quick mail…

Marsha sent us a quick note with a question…

And here’s a reminder for you about what Marsha is talking about:

And to let you know, Marsha, they are available, year round, in the Dragon Laffs Gift Shop, located conveniently on the second floor. 

I hope you all have had a great Memorial Day weekend.  May your prayers be answered and my your days be filled with love and happiness.

It’s a difficult way to start our Saturday, my friends.  And it annoys me to NO END the number of politicians who are using this to push their agendas.  Now, the only ones I’ve seen who are doing this are the leftist democrats, who are taking this opportunity to SCREAM about gun control and taking away the 2nd Amendment, but I’m sure there are the right siders out there who are doing the exact same thing, I just haven’t seen them.  Because any good politician can’t let a good tragedy go to waste.  And if nothing else, it gives the Republicans and opportunity to scream at the Democrats about how bad they are about taking advantage of the situation, like as long as they started it first, it’s okay for us to do it second.

NO! 

It’s NOT OKAY for anyone to do it.

Let the families grieve.   

And as for us?  We are going to try to move on to happier things and smile a little.  Because God knows I need it and I’m 100% sure that there are many, many of you, my other family out there who need it too.  So, what do you say we move along this morning, shall we?

How many Lowe’s could Rob Lowe Rob if Rob Lowe could Rob Lowe’s?

 

When you become frustrated with older people because of what they cannot do…

…think of how frustrated they must feel because they can no longer do it.

Yeah…think of it…how FRUSTRATING it must be!  To get older and not be able to do some of the things that we were able to do when we were younger!

Many, many, MANY times!  Used to LOVE them!

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow, look at you, you are really good at wine!

“Dear friend, I need you to fly and burn the village to the ground.  Do it for me.”

If it weren’t for that clever man who discovered electricity, we’d all be watching television by candlelight.

*BOOM*

Mom:  What was that?  

Me:  My Shirt fell.  

Mom:  It sounded a lot heavier than that…  

Me:  I was in it.

“My friends, there will be a dragon coming to destroy the village.  I need you to protect it.  At all costs.  For me.”

FUCKING OUCH!!!

This one is sent in by Lynn and it’s called, Where is Mr. Science.

Roe v. Wade was ruled before ultrasounds reached America.
We now know children in the womb:
  •  Suck their thumbs
  •  Feel joy and pain
  •  Respond to light
  •  Develop food preferences
  •  Recognize their mother’s voice
It’s time for our laws to reflect science.
Where is Mr. Science?

I believe in a woman’s choice.  BUT(!!!!!)  That woman (and that man!!!) needs to understand that sex causes babies.  I know…it sounds pretty stupid.  But, if you are enough of an adult to have sexual relations, then be enough of an adult to to take proper precautions and if you don’t, understand that that is an actual human being, a real live person, just like you and me, that you are murdering when you are having an abortion.  I believe with all my heart that abortion is wrong and I would beg and plead with you to reconsider if you were to have that mind set.  But, it is ultimately your decision, and I will defend your right to make that decision. 

And … now we’ve broached a topic that I was pretty sure I was never going to talk about in Dragon Laffs, but it is topical and in the news right now, so if anyone would like to throw their two cents in, then go ahead and then we’ll move on. 

I don’t care how beautiful you are.  If your personality is ugly, you’re ugly.

Chicken’s are mean!

No she won’t.  I can’t believe that there was any time, in any history, that any mom, anywhere, would be appreciative for even ONE day with a mop bucket for Mother’s Day.  So … NO SHE WON’T!

Last month I did the unthinkable and finally threw out that box of unloved cables, that we all have, that I’ve dragged with me through adulthood. 

Today, I realized that I needed one of them and have no idea how to find a replacement. 

CONSIDER THIS A WARNING TO YOU ALL!

I beg your pardon?

So, we’ll wrap up today’s episode with a couple of comments that we received from loyal and loving readers.  Here’s the first one, it’s from Dave about a home DIY project that he wanted to share with the rest of us:

The world is going to hell in a handbasket.

Yes, I know that’s a terrible way to start a Thursday morning, especially one before a long holiday weekend, but it’s true.  But, it’s Tuesday, I’ve got the news on and I’m watching coverage of the Texas elementary school shooting and right now, this 18 year old kid killed his grandma, a teacher, and fourteen children in this elementary school.  And they don’t even think he had any kind of relationship with the school.  Oh, and he’s dead too, so we may never know why.

I just got done watching a story on how the New York City subway killer turned himself in today and how violence in New York City is running ramped.  Mayor Adams doesn’t have a clue.  Now that COVID is “over” he wants all the businesses to bring people back to work to get all the other businesses in The City back up and running, but how can they, with violence so horrible in the Big Apple.  It’s safer to leave their people teleworking at home!  You can’t promise to keep our people safe, why the hell  should we bring them back to work?!

And, today, through the connections I have at work, I got a copy of the Manifesto of the kid who shot up the Buffalo food mart/shopping center.  That racist little son-of-a bitch is a little nut-ball.  I’d share the Manifesto with you guys, all one hundred and whatever number of pages of it, but it was sent to me FOUO (For Official Use Only) and I have to take that stuff seriously, but I’m sure if you look around on line somewhere you can probably find it.  Very well written, very well spoken, quite literary and eloquently expressed his White Replacementism and is nutty as a peanut butter sandwich. 

So yeah, Good Morning Campers and Happy Thursday.

I went to my second Group Grief Therapy Session meeting last night.  It wasn’t any easier last night then it was the week before.  We lost the married couple, but I understand they will be back, we lost the guy who was there for grieving the sudden divorce and a couple of the women were missing, and we gained a new woman, so for those of you with score cards, you will notice that that left me as the only male in the room.

THE ONLY MALE IN THE ROOM.
And you know at some point I cried. (Actually, it was a really tough video, I think we ALL cried.  I think a couple of the tables and chairs cried).  Three of the women threw boxes of tissues at me…and we all got a good laugh at that, so that was fun.  I am getting quite a bit out of these meetings, so that’s a good thing.  Since Monday is a holiday, we won’t have a meeting this Monday and I’m going to miss it.

Anyway, enough about that stuff for now.  I now have over a thousand unread emails.  The first unopened one is dated 4 May, so that should tell you how far behind I am.  I am trying to catch up as fast as I can.  I have NO pictures saved so I am using them as fast as I open them.  I am REALLY behind.  I need to take a whole day and just open emails.  Maybe this weekend.  But, for now, let’s get this party started!

Hydration Tip:
Drinking 1 gallon of water a day helps you avoid other people’s drama because you are too busy peeing.
Stay hydrated my friends!

Boy, ain’t that the truth!

I know a lot of retirement jokes, but none of them work.

It’s a little windy today.
Trash is blowing everywhere, so watch out for your ex.

Okay, I’m going to close my eyes and count to a hundred while you run and hide.

My nails are $45+, my hair is $150+, eyebrows $12 and in a relationship I’ll ask my man for $0.00.  My man is my boyfriend, not my father.  All you females need to stop viewing men as walking banks, period. and … okay, by now all the men have stopped reading.  No rob him blind, sis.

I’m sorry, the dogs gotta die.

125 Mind-Blowing Historic Facts & Trivia That Are Almost Too Weird to Be True

Really cool website sent in by Stephanie.  You can spend a lot of time going down through these weird facts.  Thanks Steph!  https://parade.com/1099930/marynliles/history-facts/

You remember I  told you about the Bivouac area, where we have our exercises.  It’s very unusual.  Unbeknownst to me, they made a YouTube video of how it was put together.  The man speaking is our new military squadron commander.  He also works in the squadron as a civilian and is one of the good ones.  So, here I share with you … How we got the Bivouac Area:

Uber is a little different at Dragon Laffs, Inc.

I think it would be great if Walmart added an upper level observation deck with a bar.

My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday.  
That’s ridiculous, I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

You have to be a Star Trek fan to get that one.

Elon Musk should buy MTV and start showing videos again.

That is an AWESOME pizza!!!

Queso = Spanish for cheese

K, so = Southern for here’s the plan and y’all probably not gonna like it

I know this next one is late for Mother’s Day, but it was so good, I just had to share it.

And that’s just plain weird.

And that’s it for this one my dear friends.  Hope to see you again on Saturday.  Love and happiness to you, one and all.

So, the header above is from 2012.  Ten years ago.  Ten years ago this month.  I don’t know why I picked it for today, but I did.

I went to church this morning, to my buddy’s church.  It was interesting.  Really nice.  I cried.  Quite a bit, actually.  So, I suppose that’s a good thing.  Okay, service was a bit over an hour long.  Probably the first half was all music and singing.  But, not singing like normal hymns, although I would call them hymns, but hymns with more of a bit of a Country Western bent to them.  Now, that may have been because there was a key board, a couple of electric guitars and a couple of folk guitars, a bass guitar, and a drum set that no one was playing.  The words to the hymns were very specific to the theme of the day, which was Peace, with an underlying theme of Grace, and were more like preaching than singing, but were singing and not preaching and I’m not making sense, but that’s the impression that I got.

GRACE

Gods
Riches
At
Christ’s
Expense

Anyway, the second half of the service was the Pastor’s sermon expounding on the theme, and talking about his week (there were 3 funerals this week) and about what’s going on next week.  His talk made me cry, too.  I felt, overwhelmed, but in a good way.  A couple of people came up to me and said hello, but not too many.  I wasn’t smothered, but I wasn’t overlooked either.  Like it was just the right amount.  

I liked the church, I liked the people, I liked the message, I really liked the format, and I liked the internal feeling.  So, this one gets a second chance next week.  

And we’re going to discuss some of the other religious questions that we had with some of our friends in just a little bit, but first, we’ve got to get some laughter going here.

This “Killing Them With Kindness” is taking way longer than I expected.

Stoners will smoke a blunt in the car to prepare to kike thru the woods so they can smoke a blunt in the woods just to go back home to smoke a blunt.

It’s a good thing we don’t get as much government as we pay for.

Our magic act is considered one of the best in all the land.

I hate it when people say age is just a number.  Clearly, age is a word.

We were out burning ditches when my husband got stung on the forehead by a bee.  He’s in the ER now…face all swollen and bruised.  He almost died!!  He was very lucky because I was close enough to swat off the bee with my shovel.

The older you get, the more you appreciate cancelled plans, early nights, thunderstorms, the love of a good woman, and alcohol that is on sale.

Our all women’s baseball team has won pennant after pennant in their league!

A weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Wow!  I’ve never served a weasel before.  What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.

I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.

Day 329 without sex:  I went to Starbucks today, just so I could hear somebody scream my name.

How to Prepare Tofu

Step 1:  Throw it in the Trash
Step 2:  Grill some Meat

Dems are bragging that Biden created 6 Million jobs!!! No, people just went back to work after the Pandemic.

9/11 — 2,997 killed
Pearl Harbor — 2,403 killed
Civil War — 1.5 million killed
Jan 6 — one unarmed Trump supporter killed
TOTALLY THE SAME THING.

This first one continues the conversation we’ve been having with Leah.  If you don’t remember from last issue, it has to do with the question of how to answer when someone asks what religion you are when you are not comfortable answering or don’t care to answer that particular person.

Okay, wow.  We gotta talk.  First of all, if you declare yourself a Leahist, how is that denying Him?  I quite easily explained myself as a Bobist, while also explaining how angry I was at God, and nobody who overheard the conversation had any doubt at all of my belief in the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

And I believe you should stay out of the Mother in Heaven fight.  Why would there be a fight over our Heavenly Mother?  Of course we have a Mother in Heaven.  If we are created in God’s image and we have an earthly mother, how can we NOT have a Heavenly Mother?  And how can she not be just as special and just as important?  I don’t understand what there is to fight about? 

I spent many years as a Mormon.  They taught me a lot.  And quite a few of their teachings helped develop my Bobist beliefs.  But, more than that, they were some of the kindest, most helpful, loving people I’ve ever met.  At least the ones in England were.  I can’t say as much for the ones in America in Indiana, that’s when I moved on from the church and moved on to other things for what I would call “political” reasons (too much to go into here) but the people themselves?  Absolutely lovely!

Don’t worry so much about what other people think.  Worry about how you feel.  Do you feel right with God?  Is He happy with your words and actions?  Are you happy with your words and actions?  If so, then who gives a damn what other people think?  And if you manage to piss the evil ones off, more’s the better.

And Dearest Stephanie weighed in, too: 

And this one is from Dearest Stephanie and many others who have sent me messages asking me to pass the same sentiment on to Dear Helen…

And that’s it my friends.  I am done for the night.  May your days be filled with Love and Happiness.

So, it’s Thursday morning and I’m off work. No, not a holiday and I’m not sick.  Just had a rough night last night emotionally, and because of that, spent a pretty much sleepless night last night and the way I’m feeling, I am in no shape to go to work today.  Emotionally, I just couldn’t handle it.  

So…that’s me this morning.  I’ve already gotten 3 work calls.  But, that’s okay.  I know my guys need me.  It’s nice to be needed.  I can’t wait till my surgery when my son will have my cell phone for the several hours that I will be in surgery and I told him to answer my phone.  He is enough like me that his voice WILL be confused with mine.  Everyone will be sure they will be talking to me.  And he is going to hate it.  LOL!  I can hardly wait.

Anyway, Let’s get into the laughter and maybe we’ll find time to get into some other things later on.

Sad News!
I broke up with my girlfriend Loraine.  She found out I was seeing another girl, Claire Lee.  
Good News Though!
I can see Claire Lee now, Loraine is gone!

If you don’t get it…you’re too young.

I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I get a life, I’ll be notified immediately.

Mother Nature apologizes for the late arrival of Spring.
Father Time was driving and refused to stop and ask for directions!

And then Summer leaped out in the middle of the road and caused a huge accident!

AND we have the BEST rides!

Ladies, if you come across a man who is smart, humble, well educated, financially secure, passionate, patient, mind blowing in bed, hot, great at fixing things around the house, can cook, loves you like he can never get enough of you, and listens to every word you say…

Then please be assured that the shit you are smoking is of superior quality.

I finally figured out what I want to be when I get older…

…Younger.

“Hey! Hey! Hey! Little Goyle!  I gots a message for youse from da big guy! He says youse can come home now.  Like, right now.  Kapeesh?  Get you’s skinny hiney up outta dere and getta move on!”

The man is absolutely, 100% right!

“Alright, Pal!  I’m tired of you picking on all my smaller friends!  How about you try picking on someone your own size for a change?  Not too much fun now, IS IT MUTHAFUCKA!”

I finally found a diet plan that really works.  It’s called “The Price of Food.”

Ask Alexa, “What is a woman?”. Ketanji Brown Jackson needs to know.

I identify with Dorothy.  

I seem to attract men who are cowards, have no heart or are in need of a brain.  

I have no idea why Politicians are attracted to me.

Stop saying, “They didn’t teach us that in school.” 
Yes, they did!
You were talking.

Right when we needed somebody really good.

THAT WORKS FOR ME!!!!  It just cost me $65 to fill the tank on my FRIGGIN’ EQUINOX!  It’s not like it’s a big car, it’s a normal size car and it cost me $65 to fill it up!  It wasn’t even all the way empty!!!!

You know, if Biden is the worst President ever, this guy was the biggest asshole President ever!

AND THIS BITCH!!!!

Yup!  That was gonna be my question.

I hope Elon Musk never gets into a scandal because ElonGate would be really drawn out.

Here’s a fun fact about bees.  Most of them are actually allergic to pollen.  When exposed to pollen, they develop hives.

2014:  Didn’t jog
2015:  Didn’t jog
2016:  Didn’t jog
2017:  Didn’t jog
2018:  Didn’t jog
2019:  Didn’t jog
2020:  Didn’t jog
2021:  Didn’t jog
2022:  Still haven’t jogged
This is a running joke.

I hate it when I’m singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.

I haven’t done a Last Word in a while, but this one is important, and actually, it may even be a two parter.  Both of which are in response to two different comments that I received from readers.  Both of them serious.  The first one from Helen