So, here it is the weekend, again, already.  Boy, time sure does fly when you’re … now, how does the rest of that go?  Oh yeah!  When you’re working your butt off! 

It’s been one of those weeks, campers.  Wednesday was especially fun with an exercise in one county that lasted      ALL     DAY     LONG     followed by a county meeting in a different county that same night. 

It didn’t help that there was road work on every single major highway that I had to drive on between said counties. 

And it was cold and windy out. 

And Thursday morning we were under a FROST ADVISORY!!!! 

Did someone forget to tell Mother Nature that it’s SPRING!!!  Stephanie, I’m assigning that task to you.  You are both women of … um … a certain temper.  So, it’s a natural fit.  Thanks! 

So, now before I get in any more trouble, 

Aussie Pete sent me an MP4 of a lady playing two pianos at the same time and I thought it was way cool!  The problem is that I can’t use MP4s.  BUT I found it on YouTube!  And here it is!

Right?  Pretty cool.

Here’s another video for you, this one from Joe from NJ

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.

My imitation of Mother Nature.  
…
She’s right behind me, isn’t she?

Daniel Emlyn-Jones, 49, grew the gympie-gympie plant at home but has put it in a cage with a sign that says “Danger”. 

The shrub — also known as the “Australian Stinging Tree” is a nettle-like plant capable of delivering a sting that feels like “being burnt with hot acid and electrocuted at the same time.” 

It is known as the world’s most venomous plant.

Daniel, an online science tutor, said that he wants to promote an interest in plants by cultivating unique flora.

Alternative responses to “I Love You”

*  Who doesn’t
*  I know
*  Thanks
*  A horrible decision, really
*  Why?
*  [Laughs Nervously]
*  [Laughs Hysterically]
*  YEET
*  I’m sorry
*  [Finger Guns]

You spoiled brats with your fancy Cheerios flavors!
  When we were kids Cheerios had one flavor!
And that flavor was paper! 

“As I gaze into the future, I see Impish Dragon screwing up and erasing a bunch of the cartoons and memes from Thursday’s episode.  He ends up looking like a complete … what is the word that the humans use … doomas? … doolus? … no, no, no … Doofus!  Yes, he looks like a complete…”

Alright Sandra Seer, that’s fine.  Yes, I screwed up this morning’s (Thursday’s) issue.  Many of you were very KIND to point it out to me.  Several quite early this morning.  Some comments in the comments section that you can go and check out for yourselves. 

Sigh! 

As promised, I will make up for it with this episode, I hope, by making it a bit longer than usual.

Now, can you guys stop whispering behind your hands and let us get back to it, please?

Yup!  He’ll keep you warm!

But, you won’t like it.

One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike:

If you’re thin, don’t eat fast.

If you’re fat, don’t eat. Fast.

Slight change in punctuation.  

Michael was an extremely avid golfer with a cynical attitude and arrogance, that when he passed away, few people shed a tear. Michael approached the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for him. Rather than pass through the gates as normal people had done, Michael stopped to ask a question.

“Before I agree to come in, I want to know exactly what kind of golf course you have here” he said to St. Peter.

“That shouldn’t matter to you.” said St. Peter.

“But it does. And then in his arrogant manner exclaimed “Well if I can’t see it, then I’m not coming in!”

“Very well Michael. As you wish.look through the gates.”

He looked and saw the poorest, most rundown, excuse for a golf course that it made him sick to his stomach. “Forget it. There is no way in Hell I’m going to spend eternity playing on that course!”

Just then, Michael heard the Devil calling him over the gate. “Come over here and see what I have to offer.”

Michael peers through the gate and he is elated! There is the most absolutely fabulous golf course he has ever seen! He turns to the Devil and says “I want to play THAT course!”

“Ok. Step on through and it’s yours forever.”

St. Peter pleaded with Michael as he headed off with the Devil and the gates closed behind him.

Michael walked up to the first tee and said “I can’t wait to play! Where are my clubs and ball?

The Devil roared with laughter. “Oh, there aren’t any.”

And therein lies the biggest difference between the two.  With God, you ALWAYS get the truth, He will NEVER lie to you.  EVER.  With Satan, he will ALWAYS lie and NEVER tell you the truth.  If it looks too good to be true, IT IS!!!

So, this is an old one, but a really funny one, so we’re doing it again.

Mrs. O’Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O’Rafferty.

“Hello,” said the Father, “And hows Mrs. O’Donovan, didn’t I marry you two years ago?”

“You did that, Father.”

“And are there any little ones yet?”

“No, not yet, Father.”

“Well now, I’m going to Rome next week, and I’ll light a candle for you.”

“Thank you, Father.”

And away she went.

A few years later they met again. “Well now, Mrs. O’Donovan,” said the Father, “how are you?”

“Oh, very well,” said she.

“And tell me,” he said, “have you any little ones yet?”

“Oh yes, Father. I’ve had three sets of twins, and four singles–ten in all.”

“Now isn’t that wonderful,” he said, “And how is your lovely husband?”

“Oh,” she said, “he’s over in Rome to blow that bloody candle out!”

I really love this next one also…you’ll see

In a train compartment, there are three men and a ravishing young girl. 

The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. 

Then, the young girl proposes, “If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs.” 

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. 

And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. 

Then she says, “If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I’ll show you my thighs,” and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. 

The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. 

Then the young girl says, “If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.” 

All three fork over the money. The girl then turns to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance. That’s the hospital where I had it done!” 

After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor’s office for the results. 

“Well,” said the doctor, “I have good news and bad news for you.” 

“The way I feel, please give me the good news first,” replied the bachelor. 

“The good news,” announced the doctor, “is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam.” 

“Great!” the man shouted, “What is the bad news?” 

“It’s malignant,” replied the doctor. 

And then I get this one from Joe from NJ

Impish, 

Is this what happened to

you today?

________________

AAADD, Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. Thank God there is a name for it at least I feel a little better, even though I have it. This is how it manifests  

I was going to water the garden. As I picked up the hose in the driveway I looked at my car and decided it needed to be washed. As I start toward the shed I notice the mail on the porch railing that I brought up earlier. I decided to go through the mail before I washed the car. I lay the car keys on the table and put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table. I notice that the can is full. I decide to take the garbage out first and lay the bills on the table. But since I’m going to be near the mail box on my way to the dumpster I decide to pay the bills first. I take out my check book and see that there is only one check left, the extra checks are in the desk in the living room. On the desk I find a can of Diet Coke that I had been drinking. I’m going to write the checks so I move the can out of the way and feel that it is warm. I should put it in the fridge to cool. On the way to the fridge I see that the flowers need water. As I put the Coke can on the counter I discover my glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I had better put them on the desk so I can find them later. But first I’m going to water the flowers. I set my glasses on the counter and fill the container with water and see the remote on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we want to watch television I won’t remember that the remote is on the table so I had better bring it to the sun room where it belongs, but first finish watering the flowers. While I’m doing this quite a bit spills. So I set the remote on the table and get some towels to clean up the mess.
I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid, there’s a warm can of Diet Coke still sitting on the counter, the flowers don’t have enough water, there is still only one check in the check book, I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, I can’t remember what I did with my car keys.

Then I try to figure why nothing got done today. I can’t understand it because I know I was busy all day and I’m really tired.  
I know this is a serious problem and I need to get some help with it. But I’m going to check my e mail first.

Don’t laugh. If this isn’t you, you’re day is coming.

Redneck word of the day – Cedar.  “I know she ain’t sick cause I cedar at the Walmart.”

Remember — the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

I don’t know where you got your opinion, but I hope you kept the receipt.

How you doing, Impish?  How’s it going?  It’s been awhile, you doing okay?  Well, this is probably the best answer I’ve read in a LONG time.

Do you think I am over it?  Better than before?
Maybe I’ve forgotten – Doesn’t hurt me anymore?
Do you think that I am doing fine, no tears are shed each day?
Get up and just get going, pain has all but gone away?
Do you think that I am coping, living life just as you do?
If that’s what you imagine…You don’t have a single clue.
I cope, I cry, and I deny; I’ve learned how I must hide;
Keep everything within me, bottled up deep down inside.
I can’t be who I was before; I’ve changed; I’m someone new;
It happens when you have a loss; You would be different, too.
I’m so misunderstood each day, too tired to explain
Not over it, or better – Simply put…I’m not the same.

And now my dear friends and family, there are tears in my eyes.  Yes, I still cry over my dear Mary and yes, I am lonely every single solitary day of every single solitary week.  So ridiculously lonely.  But, I will make it.  I don’t have any choice.  

My dear Mary, in her short life, donated something like 7 or 8 feet to “Locks of Love”  She was very proud of that.

Another golden oldie…

Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was ever so cute and funny?

Anyway, I need bail money.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

You thought I forgot, didn’t you?  Well, it wouldn’t have been me that forgot, it would have been Marsha, since it was her turn.  But, as it turns out, Marsha didn’t forget.  Just to remind you, here was Joe’s comment that Marsha is replying to:

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha,

Are you telling us then that you identify as a rooster?

…Joe in NJ

And now Marsha…

And a whole lot easier than the work you do now.  Not the response I expected…so…Joe, you’re up buddy.

One evening, two girlfriends and Myrtle went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. 

At 40, they felt old, but before they could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached them. 

“Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving,” Myrtle thought. 

Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, “Hello. Remember me? You taught me in third grade. 

And that’s going to be it for today, so I can get started on Monday’s issue since I’m working all weekend.  I’m going to try to put something together for Monday.  Until then.