Dragon Laffs #1975


‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the cavern,
Not a dragon was stirring, t
hey were all at the tavern.
The huge stockings were hung by the chimney with boards, 
In hopes it would help with the treasures they would hoard.
The dragonettes were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of virgin sacrifices danced in their heads. 
And mamma in her leather and I flying fast, 
Had just stumbled in from being drunk off our ass. 
When outside the entrance there arose such a ruckus, 
I fell over the footstool to see what it the fuck was. 
Away to the door I stumbled like a drunk gecko, 
Threw open the door and flaming belch I did let go. 

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave a lustre of midday to the objects below,
When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny rein-deer, 
With a little old driver who looked up in fear, 
As the belched gout of flame drew ever so near. 
And I heard him exclaim as he stopped, dropped, and rolled, 
“Impish, you bastard!  You promised you’d be controlled! 
Every year I bring my rein-deer by your cavern to give you some toys, 
And every year your drunk and try to fry my dear girls and boys. 
Well,  I’m done!  I’m finished.  I’m history.  I’m through! 
Since you can’t control yourself there’s no Christmas for you!” 

It was then Mrs. Dragon came to my rescue, my wife,
Dressed now in a homespun housedress to save my life. 
She ambled up to Santa, leaned over and whispered in his ear, 
And stayed there and whispered for what seemed like a year. 
The longer she spoke the more ashen his face grew,
His rosy red cheeks took on a new hue. 
Finally, she stepped back and folded her arms,
And Santa looked up at her deep in alarm. 

“You wouldn’t…”, he said with a gack! 
She said, “You know Mrs. Claus and I go way back.” 
Santa started to argue, but then suddenly gave in with a leer, 
“Okay, you win, you’ll have Christmas this year. 
But, I’m tired of this crap.  This shit is over. 
He does this again and you’ll get no do-over!” 
Then Mrs. Dragon, she drew up three times her usual size, 
Came right right up to Santa and stared right in his eyes, 
“You listen to me fat man, those pictures won’t go away,
I’ll keep them forever, so if you know what’s right just climb on your sleigh,
And Mrs. Claus and I won’t ever have to have our little chat,
And you’ll keep delivering Christmas, so you understand that!” 

She whirled and stormed back towards the cavern, 
whilst Santa and Impish looked on in deepest concern. 
Santa then turned and called the reindeer by name,
“Come on guys, let’s get the fuck out of the game, 
Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer! and Vixen! 
On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, Donner and Blitzen! 
And I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, 
“Happy Christmas to all, and what a fucked up night!”   
    

Good Morning and Merry Christmas my dear Campers, 

I know that you are probably not reading this first thing on Christmas morning … at least, I hope you aren’t reading this first thing on Christmas morning, but if you are, well, then Merry Christmas to you as well.  Some of us have lots to do on Christmas morning and others of us, not so much.  I understand.  Truly, I do. 

I am writing to you right now on the morning of the 23rd.  Mrs. Dragon is very, very sick.  I am trying to get sick.  Okay, not trying.  I am sick, but not as sick as she is. 
Yay! 
Merry Christmas!  Oh well, it is what it is.  Let’s get some laughter going for those of us who need it this Christmas morning.

So, it’s been a while since we’ve done any of these, so let’s see what we’ve got…

dowchuckil

in my almost 7 decades of this thing we call living i’ve learned that everything happens for a reason. don’t try to figure it out, just play the hand you’re dealt. it’ll work out.
p.s(i think adversity creates some of your best issues).thank you. 

Thanks Chuck.  I agree.  Just keep playing the cards that are dealt.  And yeah, adversity does build adventure.

We’ll do one more for now

Dave

We have a birthday coming up.
Happy Birthday! 🎂

Yes we do.  Right back at you!  Happy Birthday!

 

Okay, a couple more…this one from our dear friend and fellow camper Leah…

Leah D.

Love your words on books, becoming the character. The description books give of a character, are vague, and we fill in the blanks, of how the character looks.
Saying that, I nominate The Princess Bride movie, for Best Choice of Actors. It’s like they did a brain scan on me, printing out the results.
I also nominate the movie for not changing the script!

Love the Princess Bride.  One of the best books/movies of all times for quotations that can be used out of context.  One of my all time favorite books.  When I can no longer read, it’s time for me to go.  I suppose there is always books on tape (audio books) just not sure it will be the same thing.  I do listen to books on long trips and such, but still…  I guess I will find out some day.

Next up is Friggin’ Pete 

Frggin Pete

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SIR! Today is my Birthday so, I guess the really good people are born in December, huh! LOL  

Always known that the really good people are born in December (right Dave?)  and the closer you get to Christmas, the crappier the birthday.  LOL.  Happy Birthday buddy.

I think we got a few more in.  I think I just heard the old mail bag hit just a minute ago.

Tom H

Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas.

Thank you, Tom.  And a very Merry Christmas to you and yours as well.

Cynical John

Merry Christmas to you and all the Dragon Family, Impish! May the coming year bring you light and joy!

Thank you Cynical.  The very same to you and yours.  May you find love and happiness throughout the new year.

And a special note to Hank H.  I couldn’t get your link from Conservative Momma to open or play or … do whatever it was supposed to.  If you could send it in an email, it might work better.  Cheers.

 

Thanks to John S. for this one:

And thanks to ALL of you who have sent birthday and Christmas wishes.  They are deeply appreciated.  Truly, I love you all.

It is now Friday morning. 
Christmas Eve. 
Happy Birthday. 
Was up most of the night last night with Mrs. Dragon.  She hit a top temperature of 102.  She finally broke her fever about 0300 hrs. and is now down to 99.7.  Got her to eat some applesauce and a popsicle.  So, we’ll see how she does for the rest of the day.  If she goes back up in temp, we go to the immediate care.  If she stays down, we stay home.  We are NOT going to the ER.  The ERs are mobbed with COVID patients and for some area hospitals, they are waiting in the ER for 48 hours for a bed in the regular hospital.  Fuck that.  I can hear her snoring in the other room, so I know she’s sleeping.  The next time she wakes up, I’ll check her temp again.  (Don’t tell her that I told you guys about her snoring.) 

Okay, let’s carry on with this Christmas/Birthday issue.  We still have A LOT of Christmas cartoons and memes to get to!

Did a little mechanics work today. 

Put a rear end in a recliner.

ALTERNATIVES TO “MAN COLD”: 
Him-fluenza
Bro-chitis
Whimpering Cough
He-bola
Dude-onic Plague
Man-demic Outbreak

Friends, please put on a mask.  It saves lives.  Yesterday, a friend of mine went out with his girlfriend and on the way passed by his wife and she did not recognize him.  The mask really did save his life.

Yeah, that last one goes back a couple of years.  Man, I miss you brother.

This issue is HUUUGGGEEE!!!  I knew I shoulda used more Christmas stuff earlier in the month.  Okay, last push to get the rest of it in here.  Let’s see what I have left in the files…

And finally, my dearest friends, campers, family, and loved ones.  May you spend this holiday with loved ones wrapped in the spirit of the season, holding tight to the love of each other and of God’s blessings.  Thanks for all that you do all that you have given to me and to this blog.  Love and happiness to you all and to all a very Merry Christmas.

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5 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1975

  1. Dave says:

    Word press wouldn’t recognize my comment so, here it is in long form.
    Politically Correct Version of “Twas the Night Before Christmas”

    Twas the night before a non-denominational or denominational celebratory day, when all through the residential dwelling, either rented or owned,
    not a creature was stirring, not even an evolution-advanced, sentient, small furry species that must be respected.

    The hosiery which may be worn by any person regardless of gender (or gender identity) was hung (in a gentle manner using recyclable materials) by the chimney with care,
    in hopes that a follically gifted person of enhanced girth soon would be there.

    The younger but equally valuable members of the family who may or may not be biologically related to the head of household were nestled (most respectfully and without the possibility of physical discipline) all snug in their beds,
    while non-drug induced and age-appropriate visions of organic fruit danced in the most non-suggestive manner in their heads.

    And the female, male or transgendered head of household in his/her kerchief/cap/headwear of choice, and I in my kerchief/cap/headwear of choice,
    had just settled down for a long winter’s nap.

    When out on the lawn/sidewalk/street/space not enclosed by walls, to respect those who cannot afford lawns or who may be homeless, which is a tragic condition that should not be judged– there arose such a noise of undeterminable origin,
    I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

    Away to the window I flew like a flash, not produced by any incendiary device,
    threw open the shutters and threw up the sash.
    * The moon on the portion of female anatomy that cannot be said on the radio or television due to FCC restrictions of the new fallen snow,
    gave a luster of midday to objects below.

    When what to my wondering eyes, or other means of sensing, should appear, or emerge, but a mode of environmentally friendly transportation of compact stature that does not contribute to the world wide concern of global warming, nor uses unreplenishable fossil fuels, and eight tiny hoofed animals that should never be hunted for sport.

    With a senior citizen driver of a vertically challenged disposition, so lively and quick, not meaning to imply that senior citizen drivers of a vertically challenged disposition are not normally lively and quick…I knew in a moment it must be the follically gifted person of enhanced girth previously mentioned above—but of no denominational significance.

    More rapid than an avian species that is protected under federal law, his coursers they came, and he whistled, because he was genetically predisposed to whistle, and shouted, but not in an aggressive manner, and called them by name.

    Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer, and Vixen, on Comet on Cupid, on Donder and Blitzen! (The folically gifted person of enhanced girth did not mean to call these hoofed animals that should never be hunted for sport by any value-laden or gender specific name as all reindeer, regardless of gender, are provided equal opportunity.)

    To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall or other point on land that could be viewed by anyone either with or without a home…now dash away, dash away, dash away all! And then in a twinkling I heard on the roof, or any other point of a building within view of anyone either with or without a home, the prancing and pawing of each little hoof…

    As I drew in my hand, or prosthesis, whichever applies, and was turning around…down the chimney the follically gifted person of enhanced girth came with a bound. He was dressed in an outfit that was comprised of a fur-like material made of hemp from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with non-tobacco ashes, and soot.

    A bundle of toys or educational items he had flung on his back and he looked like a entrepreneurial retailer as he opened his pack. His eyes how they twinkled, his genetically inherited facial features how merry, his cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry. His droll little mouth drawn up like a bow, and the facial hair on his face was as lacking in pigment as the snow or other type of precipitation, depending on the climate.

    (((The next lines are omitted because of references to smoking and tobacco products without regard to the concern over second-hand smoke which would set a bad example for children.)))

    (((Again, the next lines must be omitted because of value-laden and biogted references to people of enhanced abdominal girth.))) … a wink of his eye, not meaning to imply anything sexual or inappropriate and a twist of his head, soon gave me to know I had
    nothing to dread.

    He spoke not a word, nor signed to the hearing impaired any indication he was trying to communicate, but went straight to his hourly or salaried union-contracted position recently negotiated and agreed upon by all parties, and filled the hosiery which may be worn by any person regardless of gender and washed in a gentle manner using only recyclable materials, then turned with a jerk (which may or may not be grounds for a workman’s comp claim).

    And laying his finger aside of his nose, and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose. He sprang to his mode of environmentally friendly transportation of compact stature that does not contribute to the world wide concern of global warming, nor uses unreplenishable fossil fuels and to his team gave a whistle… And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
    But I heard him exclaim, or sign to the hearing impaired as he drove, soberly, out of sight….

    Happy non-denominational or denominational celebratory day to all…and to all a good night!

  2. Hank Hoeksema says:

    Catholic Priest bring the Truth and it’s 🔥🔥🔥!

    | | | | | |

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    | | | | Catholic Priest bring the Truth and it’s 🔥🔥🔥!

    This right here, is a Catholic Priest with a BACKBONE! This is what all Christians should be saying! This is bol… |

    |

    |

  3. Dave says:

    Wishing the best for you and Mrs. Dragon. My wife is a NICU nurse. When my son and I had covid, all we heard day and night was, “Drink more liquids”. It helped break our fevers, loosen up our congestion and flush our bodies. He was 21 and I was 70. We both got through it with the same issues the whole time. Luckily, we have 4 bathrooms.

  4. Dave says:

    People think having a Christmas Eve birthday is GREAT. They are SO WRONG! I’ve had 71 of them and it’s just one extra Christmas present and nothing else for the rest of the year.

    People should know . . . In 2022, New year’s day will come BEFORE Christmas.

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