Dragon Laffs #1830


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Good Morning Campers,Dancing couple

Well, it’s the day after Thanksgiving and we are all suffering from turkey overload.  Or … at least I hope we all are.  We had a really good visit from the Whelpling and his kidlets, as well as Mrs. Dragon’s sister.  While we were all here we got Papa Dragon Most Senior on the phone and wished him a Happy Thanksgiving and told him that he was hearing from 3 generations of Dragons and that seemed to make his day, so that was really nice.

3b2But for some stupid reason it is like one o’clock in the morning … I am freaking exhausted but can’t seem to sleep.  I am yawning my ass off, can’t hardly keep my eyes open, but I’ve tried laying down like three times now and every time I do my mind starts racing so I thought, well screw this, I’ll get up and start Saturday’s edition of Dragon Laffs and share my dark misery with my dearest friends. 

Now doesn’t that just sound lovely.  Share my dark misery with my dearest friends.  Oh Geez!  Friggin’ pathetic. 

For crying-out-loud, let’s laugh about something, please!

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Also known as the new Democratic Plan.

Then Stephanie sends me an email with the Subject line of: Why do you think I’m a spy??????? and the body is this …..

Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. How do men define a “50/50” relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”

Q. How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he’s concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man’s penis?
A. His body.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don’t fit right in the crotch!

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What’s a man’s idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Q. What’s the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What’s the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot’s been spotted several times.

Q. What’s the smartest thing a man can say?
A. “My wife says…”

Q. Why can’t men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they’re all pigs.

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don’t like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q. Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. When do you care for a man’s company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

And you wonder why I call you a spy???

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And it’s like Stephanie read my mind, because the very next email I got from her was this one.

Men are like……Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like…..Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.

Men are like…..Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw they lose interest

Men are like…..Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY

Men are like…..Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like…..Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your ass.

Men are like…..Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like…..Commercials.
You can’t believe a word they say.

Men are like…..Computers
Hard to figure out, and never have enough memory.

Men are like…..High heels.
They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like…..Lawn Mowers.
If you’re not pushing one around, then you’re riding it.

Men are like…..Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like…..Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like…..Mini skirts.
If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up your legs.

Men are like…..Noodles.
They’re always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Men are like…..Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like…..Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like…..Placemats.
They only show up when there’s food on the table.

Men are like…..Snowstorms.
You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long  he will last.

Men are like…..Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable ¥

 

I would be insulted if they weren’t all so damn true!!!!

 

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In this day of COVID-19, it’s tough for some of us to get a job.  Give this little guy a beak.

But was Stephanie done with me yet?  Oh no!  Not by quite a bit.  The VERY NEXT E-mail I opened was from her and it was this one:

MEN’S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING

Kissing/Light Petting

What he hopes you’re thinking: “Oh, I can’t resist: I’m powerless before your seductive ways!”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “Garlic breath–ewwww!”

Undressing

What he hopes you’re thinking: “My God, look at the SIZE of that!”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “My God, look at the size of that!”

Foreplay/Oral Sex

What he hopes you’re thinking: “I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours.”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “If he doesn’t warn me before he cums, I’m going to kill him.”

Penetration

What he hopes you’re thinking: “You stallion, you’re splitting me in half!”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “Is it in yet?”

Your Orgasm

What he hopes you’re thinking: “Yes, (his name here), yes!”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “I deserve an Academy Award for this performance.”
What he’s even more afraid you’re thinking: “Yes, (other guy’s name here), yes!”

Postcoital Bliss

What he hopes you’re thinking: “Now I know what an earthquake feels like.”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all.”

And yet … and yet … it’s all so true!!!

Now, I’m not only sitting here tired and exhausted…now I’m depressed, as well.  I know … I know exactly what is needed!!!!!

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Okay, I’m better now.

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Okay, so that’s gonna make a crappy cup of coffee.

In all honesty, Stephanie and I have been friends for a VERY long time.  About as long as Lethal and I have been friends.  And she knows that I’m only picking on her, just so the rest of you don’t get the wrong idea.  Love you lots dear lady.

And then our dear Camper Lynn sends me this one and I can’t help but feel that our male gender doesn’t stand a chance of survival… it’s called “Man’s alternative to waxing.

JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU’VE SEEN THE END OF THE STUPIDITY, SOMEONE SENDS YOU THIS!

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This guy’s name isn’t Chet by any chance, is it?
I’ve heard ‘the song’ for years; but until now I wasn’t aware of the origin.

You know the one I’m talking about:

‘Chet’s Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!’

We really don’t have a chance in hell, do we?

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This guy doesn’t stand a chance.

And Sasquatch sent in this one. 

Written in 43 B.C. valid even today :

Marcus Cicero of the Roman Empire wrote this amazing wisdom:

1.The poor-work & work

2-The rich-exploit the poor

3-The soldier-protects both

4-The taxpayer-pays for all three

5-The banker-robs all four

6-The lawyer-misleads all five

7-The doctor-bills all six

8-The goons-scare all seven

9-The politician-lives happily on account of all eight.

Definitely gives you something to think about.

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And is set up for social distancing

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Not the greatest of all possible comebacks, but funny just the same.

This next one is from Bill E. 

These are very good!

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
10.  If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you,  just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
19. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
20.  Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere,  makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people  cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

Which one is YOUR favorite?

I don’t know … I kinda liked … all of them!!!

And now I think I’m tired enough to try and go to sleep again, so … to be continued.  Wish me luck!  I’m going in!!!!

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You know … they say that tryptophan in turkey is supposed to make you sleepy and let me tell you, I eat a lot of turkeys on Thanksgiving.  (Yes, you read that correctly, I am a dragon, after all).  There is a really good article that I found on WebMD and you can read it too right here https://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/features/the-truth-about-tryptophan#1 but the long and the short of it is that the whole turkey and tryptophan thing is untrue.  There is no more tryptophan in turkey than there is in say chicken.  Actually a little less, at least according to this article, so I have to throw the bullshit flag …

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… now the only problem is that since I was on WebMD, I found out that I have a rare, unpronounceable disease that only affects ancient blue dragons.  So … that kinda sucks.  Stupid WebMD.

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Life is like Friday on a soap opera.  It gives you the illusion that everything is going to wrap up, and then the same old shit starts up again on Monday.

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Mrs. Dragon snapped this picture yesterday on Thanksgiving of the Whelpling showing up for the holidays.  His family is just off screen to the right.

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And what the hell is growing old in Oregon like?

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And this one is from dear camper Lynn who gives us some

Thoughts …

Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store?
It was quite an oar deal!

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called the hearing?

What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hotdog!

Did you hear about the two bedbugs that met in the mattress?
They got married in the spring.

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Why do watermelons have fancy weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.

Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head!

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
Guardians of the Galaxy!

A bartender is just a pharmacist with limited ingredients.

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Much of the stress that people feel doesn’t come from having too much to do. It comes from not finishing what they’ve started.

Happiness is where you find it, but very rarely where we seek it.

You never regret being kind.

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Due to my isolation, I finished 3 books yesterday.  And believe me, that’s a lot of coloring.

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Dreaming of better times, better places.

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I’m not Self-Medicating.
The guy from the liquor store gave me a prescription.
Okay, he called it a receipt.

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And so ends another week without me becoming unexpectedly rich.

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Shout-Out to everyone who can still remember their childhood phone number but can’t remember the password they created yesterday.

You are my people.

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Amen!  I would so much enjoy that!!!  And run after that truck every single afternoon!!

 

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They say marriages are made in Heaven.  But so is thunder and lightning.
~ Clint Eastwood

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One minute you’re young and fun.  And the next, you’re turning down the stereo in your car to see better.

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Bacon

Bitches Love Toast

Even The Airlines

Fishing

French Cops

Like A Boss 15

Minecraft

Morale15

OMG room on fire

Pedobears

Questions 15

Seems Legit 15

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How about a couple of quick comments …

Larry

I haven’t heard of the Moody Blues a long long time. Love their music!!

Yup, often maligned, but I’ve heard them live many, many times.  And I think they are wonderful.  Still my favorite.  Rock and roll music with a full orchestra back up.  What can be better!

Sasquatch

One thing from my list of things to be thankful for…. another fine edition of Dragonlaffs. All the best to you and yours.

Thanks Sasquatch!  I hope you and all the campers had as great a day as we had here!

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This is not going to end well.

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Not in jail, not in a mental hospital, not in a grave – I say I’m having a very good day.

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Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk.

Paul asked Kurt, “So, what do you hunt?”

Kurt answered “I hunt unicorns.”

Paul was startled, but said “Really? How do you do that?”

Kurt replied, “I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare.”

Paul said, “Boy, they must be hard to find. I’ve heard of them, but I’ve never seen one.”

Kurt said “Yeah, and there aren’t many unicorns around, either!” 

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I asked this girl to go to a movie with me, and she said, “No, I won’t go to the movie with you because I know what you will do! You will unbutton my blouse with one hand, and have your other hand on my leg!” I said “I wouldn’t dare do that! Why people behind me could see us!” She says, “That’s right, so could we get there early and get seats in the back row!”

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Here’s a brain teaser sent in by Aussie Pete.  What’s the number of the covered up parking spot?

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I’ll give you the answer a little further down the line …

A couple checked into the famous Breakers Hotel in Palm Beach.

After a day of drinking and golf, mostly drinking, the man returned to his luxury suite one night to find his girlfriend lying naked in bed.

His eyes went wide and he began to strip, only to stop suddenly when he saw

a cigar in the ashtray beside the bed.

“All right,” he demanded, “I’ll kill you unless you tell me  where the cigar came from!”

A muffled voice came from under the bed, “Havana.” 

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In answer to A.P.’s puzzler above.  The missing number is 87.  Is that what you got?  Try turning it upside down and looking at it from the other way.

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Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas trees and I’m over here like, I probably should do something about those rotting pumpkins on the front porch.

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Everyone has a hidden talent they don’t know about until the tequila is poured.

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The ultimate example of redneck engineering.

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And that’s it for today my friends.  Have a wonderful weekend and lots of laughs.

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1 Response to Dragon Laffs #1830

  1. Leah D says:

    Now I remember why I like Thanksgiving . . . because I don’t have to cook again for almost a week!

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