Dragon Laffs #1740


spring2

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Good Morning Campers,

The background for the picture above is from my own garden, so I just had to make a picture out of it.  It’s Saturday, the start of a Long weekend.  It’s a special weekend and we’ll have a special issue at some point in time this weekend I’m sure, but since this is still Friday for me, this will be a normal issue for me.  I know, I can hear you from here … “Impish, what’s a normal issue look like?” 

Look, fellow camper, don’t be a smart ass.

Just hang on to a … okay, so it’s early … hang on to your coffee and favorite breakfast food … hang on a sec … it’s not early for all of us, hey Aussie Peter, what time is it where you are?  If it’s 0700 here, it’s what?  2117?  Oh, he’s yanking my chain.  2100.  14 hours different.  It’s almost tomorrow there.  So, when we’re having breakfast, he’s having second supper.

So hang on to your … beverage and food … that sounds ridiculous. 

Just hang on to your whatever and enjoy your issue this morning, from the looks of it, it’s going to be a good one.  But then again, I think that way before every issue and by the end I’m “meh”. 

So let’s walk into this adventure together and let’s laugh this day away.

sign laff

403

Kinda feel like this is the perfect one to start the weekend off right with.  It’s gonna be a nice weekend,right?  Yeah, we have thunderstorms in the forecast for Saturday through Wednesday … ought to be interesting to say the least.  I may have to get out and mow today.

Think of a number between 0 and 20.
Add 32 to it.
Multiply by 2.
Subtract 1.
Now, close your eyes …
It’s dark, isn’t it.

404

HEY!  That’s the same list for being a dragon!

A woman wakes up after having a vaginal tuck to find three bunches of flowers on the window sill. 

One from her surgeon to say, “All went well.”

One from her husband to say, “He loved her and to get well soon.”

And one from Tommy in the burns ward to say, “Thanks for the new ears!”

405

It would have been better if Wayne wasn’t so upset.  But, Garth has the right look.

I laughed so hard at this next one, that everyone in the house had to come and see what was wrong and I couldn’t tell them, I had to just point at the screen.  I was laughing so hard.  Please pardon the language, I usually don’t use this one word, but it is necessary.

Took my wife to the doctor to sort out her Tourette’s.

Turns out she’s fine, I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

406

If nothing else, the PhotoShopping on this one is excellent.

My coffee was so dark, a demon mistook it for a portal to hell … Long story short:

I need a new mug, a mop, and possibly an exorcism.

407

A bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat more than life itself. He was planning a trip to England and entrusted the cat to his brother’s care. As soon as he arrived in England he called his brother. “How is my cat?” he asked. “Your cat is dead,” came the reply.

“Oh my,” he exclaimed. “Did you have to tell me that way?”

“How else can I tell you your cat’s dead?” inquired the brother.

“You should have led me up to it gradually,” said the bachelor. “For an example, when I called tonight you could have told me my cat was on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow night, you could have told me that they dropped him and broke his back, but a fine surgeon is doing all he can for him. Then, when I called the third night, you could have told me the surgeon did all he could but my cat passed away. That way it wouldn’t have been such a shock.”

“By the way,” he continued, “how’s Mother?”

“Mother?” came the reply. “Oh, she’s up on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting her down.”

408

Just got kicked out of the secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

409

401

1163

I planted a math tree the other day.  It looks like a regular tree but it has square roots.

1164

Nope, not helping you with that one, either.

I once lived just a stone’s throw away from a family who all died of mysterious head injuries.

1165

I hope they give us two weeks’ notice before sending us back out into the real world.  I think we’ll all need the time to become ourselves again.  And by “ourselves” I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair and get used to not drinking at 9:00 AM

1166

I just got pulled over by a cop.  He asked me if I had a Police Record.  Apparently “Roxanne” was not the answer he wanted to hear.

1167

New monthly budget:  Gas $0  Entertainment $0  Clothes $0   Groceries $2,799.

401

Not to brag, but I haven’t been late to anything in over 8 weeks.

402

I wanted zombies and anarchy.  Instead we got working from home and toilet paper shortages. 
Worst. Apocalypse. Ever.

403

That’s all I needed.

They can open things up next month, I’m staying in until July to see what happens to you all first.

404

Why did this headline not surprise me at all?

       I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors  only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
       He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
       As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, “If you don’t let me unlock the door, you’ll never get in there.”

1168

Okay, the schools are closed.  So do we drop the kids off at the teacher’s house or what?

1169

As a Canadian I can tell you that 49 of the 50 states are not OK

Just give it a minute

405

Scientists Once Nuked Beers to See if They’d Still Be Drinkable After an Atomic Blast

https://www.businessinsider.com/beer-soda-fallout-radiation-atom-bombs-2017-4?utm_source=intl&utm_medium=ingest

Really quite an interesting article.  Thanks to Stephanie for sending it my way.  Now, that’s when the military and the government tested important stuff!!

406

If you were invisible, you’d be effectively blind since light would pass through your retina rather than striking it.

That’s not the way invisibility works, asshole!  Invisibility is a “magical” property, thus negating the laws of physics.  What a dumbass.

407

Not THAT’S a sign in THE City!

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Still in the Hs – from How to please a woman, to Humans, to Hungry Hippos…this ought to be fun!

How To Please a Woman

How

howitfeels

HTML

hug

huge

Human Cloaning

humans

Humans2

humans3

Humiliation

Humiliation1

Hummer H2

Humor

Hungry Hippos

408

I think this quarantine is getting to everyone.

Okay, this next one is CRAZY!  Again, thanks to Stephanie, who has the same warped sense of curiosity that I have and answered my question before I can even ask it.  First she sent me this:

416

And I’m thinking is that bullshit or for real?  And before I can even Google it, I get to the next email in line and I get this:

10 things you need to know about tarantula hawk wasps

https://www.abc15.com/news/state/10-things-you-need-to-know-about-tarantula-hawk-wasps

And it’s got a really good video and everything.  This damn thing kills tarantulas, drags them back to its home and eats it!  You really need to check it out!

409

When you ask for someone’s name, you’re essentially asking them what noise you should make to get their attention.

410

And there it is again…birds and dinosaurs.

411

So, basically, your answer is that you’re just an asshole.

412

I KNEW IT!!!

My teacher said, “What rhymes with orange?”

I said, “No it doesn’t!”

413

The future …

Bill took me up on my offer to send us a picture of what his life is like or what he sees or … whatever and this is what we got!

This is what my life looks like now. Beautiful!

All the best.

Bill

419

Wow!  Beautiful is right!  It’s dated May 22, 2020 so I’m assuming that was taken today … well yesterday for you guys … and Bill, you are a lucky man.

414

And how many of us have one of these in our houses?

And I got an email from Joe S.  I’ll have to translate it for you … you’ll understand when you read it.  Joe, I corrected your typos. 

Hi,

Loved the butt clutch!  May have to try that.  lol    Probably the same result!

Yeah I’m the one that has a dairy farm here in SE Nebraska.  Have not been doing as much.  Had rotator cuff surgery 2 weeks ago.  Sucks being 1 handed.  Have to wear a sling for another 4 wks or so.  THANK GOD I HAVE GREAT KIDS!!!!!!  Senior in college, 16 yr old with downs, and my own Izzy, 4th grader.  All girls…..have been doing milking and chores. I sell a lot of meat.  Whole, half or half of a half (1/4).  On the 11th I called for a butchering date:  Feb 19, 2021.  The 12th a customer called to get a date:  March 12, 2021.  Just unreal!  Normal is 2 -6 weeks to wait. 

Sorry, hope u can read typo!!   1 handed  hunt and peck

Hang in there and thank you sooooo much for all the entertainment!!!

joe   s

So yeah Joe, I went through and fixed you up a bit.  LOL!  I’m pretty good at translating typo.  Sounds like you are having a bit of a tough time of it.  But yeah, kids sure can be a blessing!  Our experience with getting our quarter cow was really cool.  I’m really glad you like the entertainment.

415

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.  That’s humerus.

417

And here’s one from Leah D.

Leah D.

Unless you have half a cow all ground to hamburger, there is no ‘fair’ way to split half a cow into a quarter. Utah prefers to sell our Elk to rich out of state hunters who pay big time to come here and hunt. Gambling is illegal in Utah, yet you have to pay money to get in on the draw for Elk permits. Utah has Indian reservations, and Wilderness area which you can’t hunt on, except you can pay big money to hunt on Indian land, because the Elk know where to hide. The Wilderness areas have more game to hunt, but then you have to deal with Sasquatch and the law, which can be USFS, BLM, FS, or Indian Tribal Cops. Utah has big families, influenced by the Mormons, who influence the governing bodies here, so those who win the luck of the draw, hunt together, and share the kills with the others. We had to share with three others, so tried to divide the meat by 4. That’s how I know animals can’t be divided into quarters.
And that’s HOW I TELL A STORY, as outlined in this issue.

That is indeed how to tell a story the second way.  The way the whole quarter cow was explained to me was that you had the half cow sold to two people so when you were butchering say T-bones that got smaller as you cut them you put one T-bone in one pile then the next in the other pile then back to the first pile and you go back and forth to make it as fair as possible so that both people got a fair share of all the cuts of the cow.  We got an equal split of all the cuts and got to choose what we wanted done with all the cuts.  It was pretty neat.

418 Yeah, that ain’t scary at all…

And one from Bill G.

Bill


Perhaps this quote from George Carlin will help to offend more readers:

“Being Irish I should resent the Notre Dame nickname, ‘The Fighting Irish.’ After all, how long do you think nicknames like ‘The Bargaining Jews’ or ‘The Murdering Italians’ would last? Only the ironic Irish could be so naively honest.”

All the best.
Bill

I agree with you 100%.  I laughed my ass off.  Thanks.  (Mrs. Dragon’s family takes a lot of pride in being FBI – Full Blooded Irish)

420

I think we give him props for managing that with a cone around his head!

  I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

 

 

421

 

Apparently, referring to latex gloves as corona condoms at work is frowned upon.

401

AMEN!!!!!

402

And that’s all I have in for today folks.  I hope you enjoyed what I have to offer.

Please write and let me know how you are doing.

Love to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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