Good Morning Campers,

I swear I’m going to save every five minutes so I don’t lose this issue!!!!  I swear it!  I promise!!!!

Yeah, that’ll last as long as my memory does…

What was I saying?

God, it sucks getting old.

Rude!

But, really funny!

There’s probably a lot of you out there who aren’t old enough to get that one…just read it to Izzy Dragon…she looked at me quizzically and said, “it’s probably an old song.” And then called me a boomer.
The little shit.

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to tell people how you feel.

You could be too weak to raise your middle finger.

Proctologist: You have a really small colon.

Me: How small?

Proctologist: It’s like half the normal size.

Me: You mean like it’s like a semi colon?

The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.

Now THAT is a properly written police report!

9 am – Me: I think I’ll roast a chicken for dinner, steam some asparagus, make mashed potatoes

4:45 pm – Me: Hi! I’d like to order a large pepperoni pizza for delivery, please.

Only one of many, many reasons…

Not to brag or anything, but … I don’t need alcohol to send texts that I’ll end up regretting.

I know winter sucks, but I really love leaving leftover food in my car overnight and being able to eat it the next day.

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No.  I asked if he was stupid.

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight at dinner.

Cardio?

No thank you.

I thought I heard Oreo.

It’s ironic that two of the angriest people on TV are named Whoopi and Joy.

No shit.  And how can you want so desperately to escape there and then want to come here and change here to there?  What the fuck is wrong with you?

No shit!  Have any of you fucking geniuses figured out yet that there are traitors right there among you?  I mean, other than you, that is.

The greatest snub of all time.

 

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.

Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven’t heard from him since.

My New Mantra:

I Did Not Survive Drinking Everclear As A Teenager To Get Taken Out By A Virus Named After A Beer!!

When someone says, “Stop living in the past.” I say, “But, the music was so much better back then.”

The worst part about having an Electrolux salesman stop at your house, is the fact that he reminds you that you need to vacuum. Thanks for nothing, Mister Nosy Meddler.

Dear People of the World,

I don’t mean to sound slutty, but please use me whenever you want.

Sincerely,

Grammar

This next one isn’t really appropriate because of all the … well… snow, but it still is funny…

It’s been raining so much I just got pulled over by the coast guard and got a ticket for no life jacket.

You can make a frog live forever by removing its vocal cords.  It can’t croak.

This one is actually quite old, but also funny enough that it needs to be repeated.

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We’ve discovered that when I’m in a good mood it turns green.
When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his fucking forehead.  Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond.

I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry.

He has selfie steam issues.

I’ll let myself out.

The forest was shrinking, but the trees kept voting for the axe.  For the axe was clever and convinced the trees that because his handle was wood he was one of them. ~ West Asian Fable

Her: At least invite me out to dinner.

Him: I don’t go out with married women.

Her: But I’m your wife.

Him: I make no exceptions.

I asked an old man, “Even after 95 years, you still call your wife ‘Darling, Honey, and Love’.  What’s your secret?”

The old man replied, “I forgot her name 10 years ago and I’m too scared to ask her.”

Person: What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done?

Me: Awfully bold of you to assume I’ve peaked.

Dungeon and Dragons joke

When people tell me, “You’re gonna regret that in the morning”, I sleep until noon ‘cause I’m a problem solver.

Many years ago on a long Trans-Continental flight, an elderly lady (Gina) asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crew members. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the Navigator and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track across the earth.
She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the Flight Engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any aircraft or engine system problems to keep the aircraft operating smoothly. She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain he was responsible for everything in the aircraft and to fly and direct everyone in it.
She turned to the First Officer and asked, “Well young man, what is your job?”
He replied “Ma’am, I am the captain’s sexual adviser.”
Somewhat shocked, she said, “I beg your pardon young man, but what do you mean by that?”
“Very simple ma’am. The captain has told me on a number of occasions that when he wants my fucking advice, he’ll ask me.”

Well, my dear friends, that’s it for this week.  I did the whole second half of this issue with one eye closed because I had cataract surgery on my left eye on Wednesday.  Let me tell you, that ain’t near as easy as it sounds. 

Hopefully, by this time next week, I’ll be able to see better… just in time for the week after when I’ll be having surgery on the right eye.

Oh my.

Oh well, we all know it sucks to get old….but it does beat the hell out of the alternative.

Happy Birthday mom.  I hope you got my card.  I was in surgery on your special day and still can’t see well enough to type on my tablet to write to you so I have to do it here! 

Everyone wish Mama Diaman a Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, it’s a couple of days late, but we all love you just the same.

Until next week.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon!