Dragon Laffs #1669


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Good Morning Campers,

The Air Show is over!!!!!!!  Thank God!  I’m so done with events, exercises, inspections, drills, and all the rest of the “special” stuff.

Now, I just have a CBRN Rodeo in November and a whole new exercise schedule starting in January.

Sigh….

It’s a damn good thing I love my job.

So, I’m thinking this may be the last update to our contributors this year….but let’s say, one more week.  Anyone who hasn’t given and still wants to, you still have time to donate.  We appreciate all you can give. 

Thanks to:

Scott H.     Daniel W.     Henry S.     Ginny K.     Leah H.     Joseph P.     Donald G.         Danny M.     Steven H.     Blast Specialties, Inc.     Kara T.     Phillip S.     Dan T.          Kristine M.     Lonna T.

You guys are all wonderfully thoughtful and generous people.  Thank you so much.

And now…..

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5686

I decided to go on a road trip and not come back until I ran out of money…

Walked to the end of the driveway and back.

5687

Her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

5688

As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I’m sure of… it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

5689

I read it on the internet, it must be true.

Due to rising costs, dirty deeds are no longer done dirt cheap.  Sorry for the inconvenience.

5690

You should never judge a book by its cover.  I had a math book once and the people on the outside looked like they were having a real good time…  … the book was not a good time.

5691

The Army is getting more and more selective.  They announced this week they will no longer accept drug addicts and felons.

So, if you’re a drug addict or a felon, you’re not welcomed in the United States Army.  The good news: There’s always Congress, the NFL, and show business.

5692

There needs to be an investigation to find out if anyone in the Democratic Party has ties to America.

5693

I gots to get me one of these signs.

Can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole the limbo stick.  Seriously, how low can you go.

5694

As an Emergency Manager, I can tell you that this tornado plan is better than some that I’ve seen.

I was happily watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra, when the guy on triangle disappeared.

5695

So, if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

5696

You know you’re old when you’re entering your birth year online and have to spin that thing like you’re on Wheel of Fortune.

5697.

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods, and no one hears it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw…just in case.

5698

I paid my 15 year old $10 to do the dishes.

Then, on his way to the bathroom, I mugged him because it’s my job to teach him life lessons.

5699

Just helped my neighbor bury a rolled up carpet in the woods.  Her boyfriend would’ve done it, but he’s out of town.

5700

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today…

But those game wardens came out of nowhere.

5701

If you’re happy and you know it, stay in bed.
If you’re happy and you know it, stay in bed.
If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it.
If you’re happy and you know it, stay in bed.

5702

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck, but through hard work and perseverance I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

5703

Age 16: Takes 4 hours to do hair and plan outfit.

Age 18: Takes 2 hours to do hair and plan outfit.

Now: I brushed my hair 3 days ago and I have no idea whose shirt this is.

5704

I considered selling my weapons “back” to the government, but after a background check and a thorough investigation into the buyer, I determined the buyer has a history of violence and is mentally unstable.  Big risk to everyone around it.

5705

If it is true that stress brings on weight loss, why the hell am I not invisible.

5706

Don’t stress about your eyesight failing as you get older.  It’s natures way of protecting you from shock as you walk past the mirror!

5707

Any of you ever read the vanity cards at the end of Chuck Lorre’s shows, like Big Bang Theory?  Read this one last night and I laughed so hard I just had to share it with you…

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #536

I’ve thought long and hard about this vanity card.  What I’m about to say is going to upset quite a few people.  Some of them are my friends.  Or perhaps, after reading this, my former friends.  But I can’t let that stop me from speaking my mind.  It’s time to say out loud what I know in my heart to be true.  Vegetarians and vegans are mobility bigots.  They believe that if a life form doesn’t move, it’s fair game to be killed and eaten.  They hold a deep-seated prejudice against plants, or, as plants prefer to be called, “We Who Stand Still.”  This hateful philosophy is predicated on the idea that movement equals consciousness, or, if you will, a certain level of sacredness.  To put it simply, if it walks, flies, or swims, or comes from something that does, it should not be ingested.  If it doesn’t, yum-yum.  Of course when you ask vegetarians and vegans, they say no, they’re only opposed to eating flesh.  But what could be more fleshy than a mushroom? Or avocado?  Or eggplant?  They ugly truth is they are cowards who murder and devour anything that can’t run away.  These people, who act so high and mighty, so spiritually elevated, have somehow constructed a style of cuisine that would justify them eating my Uncle Murray, a man known for sitting still for hours at a time, staring at a TV that is turned off.  So the next time you order a salad consider this: Prince told us that doves cry.  But what if kale does too?

Okay, so that cracked me up….I read it to Mrs. Dragon…she didn’t laugh.  There was eye rolling.  And maybe even a sigh or two.  So … maybe it’s just me.

5708

Here’s something special…
1a

My little Izzy Dragon turned 18…

HOLY SHIT!  MY LITTLE IZZY DRAGON TURNED 18!!!!

So very proud of her and all she’s done.

5709

John is having a bad day.

He tried to button his shirt and the button fell off.

He picked up his briefcase and the handle fell off.

He went to open the door and the doorknob fell off.

Now he’s afraid to pee.

5710

I don’t understand…Why doesn’t Walmart just declare their stores “Theft-Free Zones,” and end their shoplifting problem?

5711

coollogo_com-22742495

5b

5c

5d

motivational4

Overkill

Paranoia

Patience

some days

some girls

Some Habits

some statistics

Some things

someone has to do this

someone

I need to re-home a dog.  It’s a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.  If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbor’s fence and get it for you.

4a

How baby dragons make a living.

5712

If you don’t know my whole story, keep your mouth shut.

If you know my whole story, you’re an accomplice.  Keep your mouth shut.

5713

Someone has a really sick sense of humor….I LOVE IT!!

And that it’s for today.  Until next time.  Love you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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1 Response to Dragon Laffs #1669

  1. Don G. says:

    RE Chuck Lorre: You’re not the only one.

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