Dragon Laffs #1665


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Good Morning Campers!!!!!!

Well, it’s finally over!

Mostly.

Almost.

Still have the damn air show coming in September and as long as there is no loss of life or smoking holes in the ground, it should be a good weekend.  So yeah.

Have my first day off in a month tomorrow.

I’ll be asleep.  All day.

LOL!  So with that…Let’s get to the fun stuff!!!!!

 

5587

Having been the recipient (victim) of MANY sleep studies, I can tell you that it is EXACTLY as indicated in the above cartoon.  Now, I’ll have nightmares tonight.

1a

5588

So you think you know all about the United States eh? Well, Caitlin Morton did a little research and came up with some very interesting facts about our homeland that may surprise you. Just to kick things off, did you know there is a town in Washington with treetop bridges made specifically to help squirrels cross the street.

We all know that New York is the most populated city in the U.S., but how about the fact that more people live in New York City than in 40 of the 50 states. Even the Empire State building has its own zip code.
The country doesn’t center around the Big Apple, however:

Would you believe that the entire Denver International Airport is twice the size of Manhattan?

Texas has always been proud of its size, even when Alaska became a state to make the Lone Star folks number two; That said, if Texas were its own country, it would have the 10th largest GDP in the world.

New York’s east coast rival, Boston has the reputation of having the worst drivers out of the nation’s 200 largest cities. Kansas City, by the way, has the best.

Here’s a good one: a highway in Lancaster, California plays the William Tell Overture as you drive over it, thanks to some well-placed grooves in the road.

Continuing on down the road, did you know there are more than 70 streets in Atlanta with some variation of the name “Peachtree.”
Now for a change of pace.

The Midwest has often been called the “Nation’s Breadbasket.” Little wonder considering Kansas produces enough wheat each year to feed everyone in the world for about two weeks.

Better yet. the number of bourbon barrels in Kentucky outnumbers the state’s population by more than two million.

Or how about this odd culinary twist. Many states have official state foods, but only Oklahoma has an official state meal: Squash, cornbread, fried okra, barbecued pork, grits, biscuits, sausage and gravy, corn, strawberries, chicken-fried steak, black-eyed peas, and pecan pie.

With more than 2,500 National Historical Landmarks in the country, only two can willfully move: San Francisco’s cable cars and New Orleans’s St. Charles streetcar line.

It may not be a national park, but the world’s smallest park is in Portland, Oregon measuring just two feet wide.

Oregon is said to be the state with the fastest talkers. Mississippi has the slowest.
A drop more of trivia

The total length of Idaho’s rivers could stretch across the United States about 40 times.

There’s enough water in Lake Superior to cover all of North and South America in one foot of liquid.

Or how about this climate change phenomenon in 1943 when the temperature in Spearfish, South Dakota jumped 49 degrees in two minutes (-4°F to 45°F). It was one of the most drastic temperature changes on record.

Did you know that South Florida is the only place in the world where alligators and crocodiles coexist in the wild?

Speaking of animals, it is possible to get a unicorn hunting license from Michigan’s Lake Superior State University.

And in the sunny south, there is an island full of wild monkeys off the coast of South Carolina called Morgan Island. It’s not open to humans. Do we see yet another movie sequel called Island of the Apes?

With approximately 5,000 commercial airplanes flying over the United States at any given time does it not seem amazing that flying is still one of the safest forms of transportation?

Looking for your lost luggage? Airlines sell all their unclaimed baggage to a store in Scottsboro, Alabama, that resells everything.

With the proliferation of social media and the 24/7 broadcast news cycle, daily newspapers are struggling to compete these days. However, in 1922, a man built a house and all his furniture entirely out of 100,000 newspapers. The structure still stands today in Rockport, Massachusetts.

Utah is the happiest state in the nation, followed by Minnesota. Alabama and West Virginia rank as the unhappiest.

According to the 2010 census, the one-woman town of Monowi, Nebraska is the only officially incorporated municipality with a population of 1. In 2017, the sole, 83-year-old resident was the city’s mayor, librarian, and bartender.

Only one-third of all $100 bills are actually inside the United States.

This one would put Rocky Balboa to shame. The word “Pennsylvania” is misspelled on the Liberty Bell.

And finally, in 1893 American arrogance ran amok once again when Congress put forth an amendment to rename the country to the “United States of Earth.”

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5590

Exercise makes you look better naked.

So does alcohol…your choice.

5591

Some people wake up and feel like a million bucks.  Me? I wake up feeling like “insufficient funds.”

5592

Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes, that would be boring.  Spend 30 seconds in my head, that will freak you out.

5593

Some of you are too young to know what it feels like to take a ton of pictures then have to wait two weeks to find out they all sucked.

5594

I hate it when I gain ten pounds for a role and then realize that I am not an actress.

6

AMEN!!!!!

And this next one is all me!!!!!!!!!!
6a

I’m one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.

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Hi guys.  I don’t usually promote other people’s businesses here in Dragon Laffs, but I got an email from Ginny that I felt obligated to share with you guys since she has been so generous with me….here goes:

Hey guys, I am now confident to announce that I am selling Adult Toys. If you need something, please don’t be embarrassed to ask. I have all kinds, sizes and styles to fit your needs and I promise, discretion is guaranteed!!
Message me for yours anytime. I have walkers, wheelchairs, oxygen tanks, canes, disposable diapers, etc etc. What did you think I was talking about?

So yeah, drop her a line if your looking for something.

5596

My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity, I replied, “No, we all seem to enjoy it.”

5597

I have indeed been that drunk.

6b

But, never, ever that confused…

yet.

Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions.

You know, like Wednesday.

5598

Which is heavier: a pint of water or a pint of butane?

The water.

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

5599

How about some of these….

Skateboard

skeptical

Ski Lit

Skill Checks

Skill Demolitions

Skittles

Skyline

Slacking Off

Sleep

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.

Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

5600

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

5601

It’s another hot day, so I’ve taken all my clothes off and opened every window…

…I feel so much better, although the other people on the bus don’t seem so pleased.

5602

At the bank, I told the cashier, “I’d like to open a joint account please.”
”Ok, with whom?”
”Whoever has lots of money.”

5603

Me: How many loads of laundry can this hold?

Salesperson: Ma’am, this is a dining room table.

Me: And?

5604

What does it mean if the holy water sizzles when it hits your skin?

Asking for a friend.

5605

I’m so relieved….that annoying knocking sound was coming from the trunk and not the motor.

5606

And that’s it for another week dear friends.

Cheers!

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3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1665

  1. Leah D. says:

    You are so amazing! Or stupid, I can’t decide which. Maybe both. You work your ass off and still worry about getting off an edition. Thank you!

  2. Ginny says:

    Gee thanks for mentioning my new business. The demand for my products is quite overwhelming. Great issue this week!

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