So, I about had this issue ready to go out last Saturday and my laptop took a crap on me and I couldn’t get it fixed in time, so I’m now getting it ready for this week.

I’m halfway through my two weeks of living hell and I want to make sure that there is something for you guys on Saturday, so why don’t we just get to it!

Mrs. Dragon says, “I know it’s time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it’s a second passenger who’s not wearing their seatbelt.”

Thoughts To Ponder…

*    I THOUGHT GETTING OLDER WOULD TAKE LONGER.

*    A WISE MAN ONCE SAID – – NOTHING.

*    RESPECT YOUR ELDERS; THEY GRADUATED SCHOOL WITHOUT THE INTERNET.

*    I’VE DECIDED I’M NOT OLD; I’M 25 PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING.

*    WHY DO I HAVE TO PRESS “1” FOR ENGLISH? DID WE MOVE?

*    WE HAVE SOME GUN CONTROL; WHAT WE NEED IS IDIOT CONTROL.

*    BEHIND EVERY ANGRY WOMAN STANDS A MAN WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HE DID WRONG.

*    LET’S STOP SENDING MONEY TO OTHER COUNTRIES AND LET THEM HATE US FOR FREE.

*    VEGETARIAN: ANCIENT TRIBAL NAME FOR THE VILLAGE IDIOT WHO CAN’T HUNT, FISH OR LIGHT FIRES!

*    I LOOK AT PEOPLE AND SOMETIMES THINK…”REALLY? THAT’S THE SPERM THAT WON?”

*    IN MY DEFENSE I WAS LEFT UNSUPERVISED.

*    IF GUNS KILL PEOPLE, THEN PENCILS MISSPELL WORDS, CARS MAKE PEOPLE DRIVE DRUNK, AND SPOONS MAKE PEOPLE FAT.

*    MY DECISION-MAKING SKILLS CLOSELY RESEMBLE THOSE OF A SQUIRREL WHEN CROSSING THE ROAD.

*    SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID. AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.

*    WE OWE ILLEGALS NOTHING; WE OWE OUR VETERANS EVERYTHING.

*    CAMPING: WHERE YOU SPEND A SMALL FORTUNE TO LIVE LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON.

*    IF MY BODY IS EVER FOUND ON A JOGGING TRAIL JUST KNOW THAT I WAS MURDERED SOMEWHERE ELSE  AND DUMPED THERE.

YOU’LL HIT EVERY CONE ON THE HIGHWAY BEFORE I LET YOU MERGE IN FRONT OF ME BECAUSE YOU SAW THAT SIGN 2 MILES AGO JUST LIKE I DID.

 

 

I’m a fat-ass, but I can lose weight… You’re a dumb-ass… How you going to fix that?

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on, too.

“It’s not about how tired you are.  It’s about how tired you’re making everyone else.” ~~ My husband explaining bedtime to the kids.

 

 

A Good Mood is Like a Balloon…One Little Prick is All it Takes to Ruin It!

 

The police sent me a picture of me speeding.
So, I sent them a picture of a check.
They sent me a picture of handcuffs.
Well played.

I remember when Yoga was called Twister.

Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

I really think it’s time to take the warning labels off of everything and let stupidity work itself out of the gene pool.

Think Old and you’ll be Old.  Think Young and you’ll be a Delusional Old Fart!

If you had to choose between eating bacon everyday, or being skinny for the rest of your life – would you choose Applewood or Hickory Smoked?

Amen!

 

Sarcasm and Attitude … so much cheaper than Therapy and Bail Money.

I refuse to argue with anyone born after 1995, y’all can’t even write in cursive!

This stage in my life is called, “Mid-Life Fuck it!”

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer, it’s “Art” … but, when I do it, I’m “Drunk” and “Have to Leave Home Depot, Immediately.”

And MAYBE Bob Marley

The National Weather Service has just published instructions on how to bake a lasagna in your mailbox.

If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss, what does smoking marijuana do?

My children want a cat for Christmas.

Normally I cook a turkey but hey, whatever makes them happy!

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1,000 for it.

You know that thing in your mind that tells you when something is a bad idea?

How do I get one of those?

What if slugs are just snails going through a divorce?

Yup…lost the house.

He’s a great “Word of the Day”

Addlepated – confused or eccentric

Great word!

That moment when your steak is on the grill and you can already feel your mouth watering … Do you vegans feel the same way when mowing the lawn??

And that’s it my dear friends….until we meet again.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon