GREAT NEWS! Mrs. Dragon came back negative on all the bad stuff and positive on all the good stuff! Thank you all for all your prayers and well wishes! It meant a lot! Been a long hard week. But the weekend is here! So, let’s laugh!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time. “Like sitting around the pool, drinking wine isn’t a good thing. (Talking about my “doing-something-useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.)
She is “only thinking of me,” she said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas.
So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, “Are you nuts? You’re 86-years-old and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”
I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, “Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”
“Oh man, am I in trouble,” I said, “I signed up for five jumps a week!”
The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen isn’t getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem
So, after winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd, like they do on the T.V…apparently, it’s unacceptable in bowling.
Police have reported a man going into local craft stores and dipping his testicles in glitter… it’s pretty nuts.
Satisfying a woman, Rule #9:
For those of you who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G Spot is located at the end of the word “shopping.”
I’ve decided I’ll never get down to my original weight, and I’m okay with that.
After all, 6 lbs, 3 oz. is a just not realistic.
I always mean what I say… I don’t always mean to say it out loud, but I always mean it.
Research about Sex
Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: ! Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say “screw you”.
The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
OOPS. Don’t forget the 7th kid of sex: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!
My relationship with whiskey is on the rocks.
The worst part about parallel parking is the witnesses.
Girls who say, “A lot of guys are after me,” should keep in mind that low prices always attract many customers.
I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Oh, never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Three Wise Women would have…
…arrived on time
…helped deliver the baby
…brought practical gifts
…cleaned the stables
…made a casserole
and there would be peace on earth.
When you stop believing in Santa … you get underwear.
Wow! Apparently it’s “rude” to ask the parents of a kid on a leash if it was a rescue.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
My Four Moods
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I’m too sober for this shit.
4. I don’t have time for this shit.
I’m sorry folks. Had a rough day, so that’s it for this week.
Love you all.