Dragon Laffs #1578


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Good Morning Campers,

Welcome to Saturday!  The best day of the week!

Why is Saturday the best day of the week?

I’m glad you asked.  Saturday is the best day of the week for many, many reasons.  First of all, most of us have Saturday off work, so that’s a great thing.  B. Saturday is is a great day because

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!cid_0D1179B2768740B9B0D1F4B43A77B9E7@DazlynPC

It wouldn’t be Christmas time without this holiday classic:

Company Memo

FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Employees
DATE:    November 1, 2012
RE:       Gala Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!  We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel free to sing along.  And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. 

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Employees
DATE:    November 2, 20102
RE:       Gala  Holiday  Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognize that  Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. 

However, from now on,  we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.”  The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. 

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:        All Employees
DATE:   November 3, 2012
RE:         Holiday  Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name… 

I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that  reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty 

Company Memo

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To:        All Employees
DATE:   November 4, 2012
RE:        Generic  Holiday  Party

What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. 

There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.  Will that work?

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food .  The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

Company Memo

FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Fucking Employees
DATE:    November  5, 2012
RE:         The Fucking Holiday Party

I’ve had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!  We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. 

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They scream when you slice them.  I’ve heard them scream.  I’m hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you fucking wierdos can kiss my ass.  I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from Hell!!!

Company Memo

FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE:   November  6, 2012
RE:       Patty Lewis and  Holiday  Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Whatever!

Joan

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Yeah, that’s not gonna work out the way you think it will.

This is a pretty cool website that Ginny sent in.  I’ll try and let you know how accurate I think it is.  How much snow will I get?  https://howmuchwillitsnow.com/

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A dear friend was kind enough to send this to me. Most of us should be able to adapt to this concept.    
 
This Buddhist concept is a little deep for me, but some of you will be able to adapt the concept to your circumstances and achieve your own inner peace.  

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I don’t understand why people say hurtful things like, “Want to go for a run?” or “Try this kale.”

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This kid is good…really, really good.

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Been without my computer all week because of work, so I’m just finishing this up and sending it right out.

Sorry folks.

Impish

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1578

  1. Leah D says:

    Thanks, I needed that!

  2. Ginny. says:

    Funny with smiles and laughs. Seems you have us all.like Pavlov’s dog…..”IF IT’S SATURDAY” look for Dragon Laffs in your in box to start your weekend.

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