Leprechaun Laughs # 404 for Wednesday August 9th 2017


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Been raining or T-storming (or both) here everyday for about 10 days now so everything, including my Lord of the Fae throne is getting a wee bit waterlogged and mushroomy I’m afraid. I don’t really mind the mushrooms all that much, someone will pick them shortly I’m sure and after that they’ll wind up featured in a dinner. No, it’s the bloody damp pants and skivvies that bloody well annoy me! Even when I put a pad on the chair is soaks through quickly.

Don’t suggest a golf umbrella over the throne either- that’s how my predecessor wound up waking up to find himself one of the Lollipop Guild Munchkins in Oz.

On the bright side we’re sure as heck not in any danger of being drought stricken with all this rain. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off ta get fitted for one of those “Gorton’s Fisherman” rain slicker outfits. Wonder if it comes in green?

Porkys 3 D

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Between the heat and humidity here (to say nothing of the daily torrential T-storms) I’m seriously considering getting one of these installed here at Keebler Towers. Of course the two attendants will be much older and legal age. Diamen? Jeannie? Any takers on the positions? It even comes with free uniforms, that is if micro string bikinis can be called uniforms that is.

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40 Things Never Said By Southerners

40. Oh I just couldn’t. Hell, she’s only sixteen.

39. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

38. Duct tape won’t fix that.

37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

36. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.

35. We don’t keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can’t feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.

30. Wrasslin’s fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We’re vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, we don’t need another dog.

24. Who’s Richard Petty?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15. I’ve got it all on the C drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?

12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.

11. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

09. Checkmate.

08. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.

07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

06. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.

05. I don’t have a favorite college team.

04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

01. Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin tonight.

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Amazing! Twin Magicians  BLOW YOUR MIND with Magic! America’s Got Talent 2017

[Thanks to my Cali Beach Babes Diamen & Jeannie for this magical bit of entertainment.]

A forked tongue speaks:

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.

He said, “If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.”

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Ok I have to admit while funny this next one has serious merit!

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The Stuttering Cat

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

‘Well’, she began, ‘I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!’

‘That must’ve been scary, ‘ said the teacher.

‘It sure was, ‘ said the little girl. ‘My kitty raised her back, went “Ffffff! Ffffff! FfffffF!” but before she could say ‘Fuck Off!’ the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room…

 

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Here’s an idea- since it seems playing football can ultimately be potentially lethal deadly, maybe we should abolish Pro Football teams in favor of Pro Penitentiary teams like in that movie they made and then remade, The Longest Yard. Your team makes it to the Parole Bowl and you all get an extra parole hearing. No parole? Get a year off your sentence.  MVPs get promoted to custodial status.

Dog lifeguard

Some one needs to teach that dog it’s “Reach, Row, Throw & Go”!

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And now, for perhaps the most frightening one of them all…

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Impish is still carrying on a bit about Wood Chippers and getting fed to one, though admittedly he’s only doing it now whenever I give him a cross look or on the rare occasion he realizes he’s messed up badly.

I fail to understand why. I mean seriously, come on! Hypothetically, were I ever going to do something like that, I’d need something a heck of a lot bigger and more powerful that that trailered little wood chipper! Something serious, industrial, heavy duty. Possibly something two stage even to get him into really little easy to dispose of bits. Something like this for example:

NOT that I would EVER even CONSIDER doing something that cruel, hurtful or mean to my bestest bud and biggest paying client!

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See Pal?  Your safe with me!  Besides, I can’t bill you for all the help I give you if your dead!

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Cussing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF : No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won’t work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn’t you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues…
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF : Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I’m on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEA D OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

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Does that make him a cannibal or has he just stuck his foot in his mouth?

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There were two nuns…

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster…

SM: It’s not working.

SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?!

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

I’ll pray for you!

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About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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6 Responses to Leprechaun Laughs # 404 for Wednesday August 9th 2017

  1. Howard says:

    Great issue as always. The video of the two stage wood chipper had a couple of interesting segments in it. At the :32 second mark that one piece of wood sticking up and twisting around kind of looked like what I imagine a dragon’s arm would look like flailing about in order to get out. Then at about 1:16 into the video those steel bands, kind of look like what the larger belly scales of a dragon would look like being spit out the side. But at least there wasn’t any red sap that looked like blood shown. BTW, what color is dragon’s blood anyway? Hehehehe. Enjoyed it!

    • impishdragon says:

      Howard! You are NOT helping!
      LOL!
      Yeah, Lethal did a really good job at poking at my phobias! I wouldn’t expect any less.
      Yes, the 3E9 career field is wide and varied. I had a lot of fun in the hospital when one of the nurses would innocently ask, “So, what do you do for a living?” LOL!

      • Howard says:

        Sorry Impish, what can I say, just making an observation. >snicker<

      • impishdragon says:

        Wow! And you’re going to laugh about it? Geez Howard. You are a sadistic son-of-a-gun, aren’t you? Yeah, you fit in just right around here. LOL.

      • Howard says:

        What else would you expect from a Marine? We are the ones that when death smiles at us we smile back, hehehe.

      • impishdragon says:

        Wow! And you’re going to laugh about it? Geez Howard. You are a sadistic son-of-a-gun, aren’t you? Yeah, you fit in just right around here. LOL.

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