Dragon Laffs #1538


Dragon Laffs 5

Good Morning Campers!

As you are well aware, we’ve been having serious issues with being able to publish our ezine.  Lethal Leprechaun had much difficulty publishing his issue and I imagine I may well have the same on Saturday.  But, I guess we’ll see.

If you’re reading this, then we’ve overcome the problem again, if you’re not reading this than I suppose nothing I say at this point will make any difference since you aren’t reading it, anyway.

So, with that bundle of fun out of the way, let’s get on with today’s Dragon Laffs.

 

 

let's laugh

2738

Never underestimate the bland and unimaginative.

20

2739

Or Lowes, or K-mart, or Kroger….strangely, I’ve been invited back to Walmart and been given a lower rate on my Walmart credit card.

21

And it’s called a phone and making phone calls is the least thing that we do with it.

2740

Yup, that’s about what my mom would’ve done.

dragon pix

31

A few weekends ago we had our annual “laser tag” tournament.  Pictured here is one of the semi-final matches with K2 (on top dragon) going against Paul K9 (on the green dragon).  The match was won, barely in overtime, by Paul.  Way to go Paul!  Hopefully you enjoyed the “Prize” you won…even if Ginny didn’t. 

2741

All I remember is Lethal turning to me and saying, “Here, hold my beer and watch this!”

22

Damn.  I got the wrong answer.  I thought it was 19.

2742

No doubt.  That is WAYYYYYYY Cool!

fantasy

f2010101801

Commuting Frequently Asked Questions #215: Yes, this does indeed qualify for the carpool lane.

2743

Ouch!  Damn!

23

2746

A mechanical engineer died, and on Judgement Day was sent down to Hell.
Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One-day God calls and asks Satan, “So, how’s it going down there?”
Satan says, “Hey things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God is horrified. “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake; he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here!”
Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here, or I’ll sue.”
“Yeah, right,” Satan laughs, “And where are you going to get a lawyer?”   2747

 

Cynical Philosopher…
♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?
♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last  night.
♦ Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.
♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “ Sag Harbor .”
♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
♦ I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

2748

Critter

a52

a53

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I’m thinking you’re not even going to be able to GIVE that dog away.

 

a55

a56

That is bad….that is sooooooo bad.

2749

Did YOU ever lie to your children?  If you lied to your children, they are going to tell you that the nursing home is a Sandals Resort. Below are some of the doozies received from parents who lied to their children — AFTER the children found out otherwise (like in school?)!
1. My Mom’s friend got tired of her kids eating her scallops when they went to restaurants, so she told them that scallops are “Dolphin Balls.” 2. The rumble strips on the highway are for the blind drivers. It took me seven years to realize blind people don’t drive! 3. My dad told me that oil spots on the street were little kids that got run over because they didn’t hold anyone’s hand while crossing the street. 4. “When you lie, your ears turn red.” I covered my ears every time I lied. 5. My grandmother told my mother that the left boob is for regular milk and the right is for chocolate milk. Mom believed this until she was in high school and took sex ed. 6. If the ice cream truck is playing music, it means they have run out of ice cream. 7. My Dad told me that if I swallow chewing gum my poops would bounce up and down in the toilet. I cried when I swallowed some gum. 8. My mother told me that when earthquake happens, our planet is fighting with another planet. I believed that shit until the second grade. 9. My Dad used to tell me Santa was tired of milk and cookies. I’d get extra toys if I left Doritos and a beer. That went on for years. 10. Oh no, this isn’t Cola it’s black water you wouldn’t like it. 11. My dad told me that pushing the seat recline button on an airplane helps the plane take off, and that if not enough people push it the plane would crash. 12. People get 10,000 words per month. If you reach the limit, you can’t physically speak until the new month begins. Anytime I was especially talkative, Dad would say, “Careful now, I have to think you are up over 9,000 by now.” That would shut me right up. 13. When I was little, my dad told me that Pulp Fiction was a documentary on oranges because he didn’t want me to watch it. 14. I told my kids that if they didn’t behave in the drive-thru lane, they’d get a Sad Meal. 15. When we went to the store my mom used to tell, “Every time I touch something a kitten dies.” 16. My mom told me that if I ate raw cookie dough I’d get worms. 17. Grandma said: “If you wander off, the boogie man will kill you and make sausage out of you.” 18. “They don’t sell replacement batteries for that toy.” 19. Chuck E Cheese is only for birthday parties. You have to be invited to one to go there. 20. My parents got me to eat calamari by telling me they were “Italian Onion Rings”.

2750

Ain’t that the damn truth!!!!

“The only fun thing about filing your tax return is getting a refund. About 80 percent of taxpayers get money back, which is a weird thing to be happy about. That means you’ve been overpaying all year long. It’s like if someone broke into your house and the police recovered the stuff and brought it back and you said, ‘Oh, presents.’ ” — Jimmy Kimmel   You’re giving the government an interest free loan all year.  And you’re exited you’re getting your own money back. – Impish Dragon     Groan 2751

11

what

Okay!  That’s it!!  Nobody, and I mean NO BODY! Goes to sleep on Sunday!  Is that understood!!!!????

 

“Cough” – “Through” – “Rough” – “Though”

None of these words rhyme.  But, for some godforsaken reason

 “Pony” and “Bologna” Do.

English is weird.

2752

politicians

4e

4f

4g

4h

It’s so very, very sad…but it’s also so very true!  People are beginning to disgust me.

4j

Recently in the news, you may have heard that we dropped the most powerful, non-nuclear weapon in the American arsenal.  The GBU-43/B Massive Ordnance Air Blast or MOAB.  MOAB is commonly referred to as the Mother Of All Bombs.  Well, below we have the MOALB.

4i

Just FYI.  This is what the real MOAB looks like with a nice scale shown with the people standing beside it:
13

After getting all of Pope Francis’s luggage loaded into the limo at the airport, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

“Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”

“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”

“I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that.  I’d lose my job!  What if something should happen?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

“Who’s going to tell?” asks the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets into the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 130 mph.  (Remember, the Pope is Argentinean, and Fangio, the famous racer, was Argentinean.)

“Please slow down, Your Holiness,” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. “Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license – and my job!”  moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches;  but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. “I need to talk to the Chief,”  he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 130 mph.

“So bust him,”  says the Chief.

“I don’t think we want to do that.  He’s really important,” said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, “All the more reason!”

“No, I mean really important,” said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, “Who do you have there, the mayor?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

Chief: “A senator?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

Chief: “The President?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

“Well,” said the Chief, “who is it?”

Cop: “I think it’s GOD!”

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious,  “What makes you think it’s God?”

Cop: “His chauffeur is the Pope!”

2753

 

A nun, who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site, noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
 
 
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
 
She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: ‘Do you men know Jesus Christ?’
 
 
They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled, ’Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?’
 
One of the steelworkers yelled down ‘Why’?
 
The worker yelled back, ‘His wife’s here with his lunch!’

 

2756

What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

“It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to ten. They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.”

“It’s a very sobering feeling to be up in space and realize that one’s safety factor was determined by the lowest bidder on a government contract.” – Alan Shepherd

2763

A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died, because I  left the lights on overnight.  I was in a hurry to get to work on time  so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the  car.
 
   I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas  guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it.  I pointed  out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed  to be pushed at least 30mph for it to start.
 
   She said “fine,” hopped into her car and drove off.
 
   I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.  A minute passed by and then I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at  about 40 mph.  Suddenly I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions….

2764

motivational

Motivational Where will you be

Motivational Word of God

Motivational%20Women

Motorboating

Mountain Biking

2765

I hope you have enjoyed my limited offerings today.  Now, I’ve just got to find out whether or not this thing is going to post or not.

Cheers

Impish Dragon

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5 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1538

  1. Leah D says:

    KUDOS to both of you, fighting the evil demon CHANGE, or in other words, New and Improved. I really do feel for you because I had to get a new washer and dryer, and it is completely computerized. Did I hear an echo of New and Improved? It takes me forever to get them to start, but I haven’t had to face 17 tries yet, so you are still the hero!

  2. Karl K says:

    Ginny, “Dragon Laffs” has NEVER been “normal”! That’s what makes it so super-duper excellent! This was really an excellent issue, Impish, and had me laughing and shaking my head in wonderment at the same time! Great job!
    As the old saw goes, “Seventeenth time’s the charm!” (Inflation, you know….it use to be “Third time”)

  3. Ginny says:

    I stayed up late in anticipation….and FANTASTiC……Dragon Laffs is back to normal. Let’s hope it stays that way. Great jokes and really great everything on this issue. It will make a bunch of people happy. Have a great weekend…THANKS to you and Lethal for all your efforts to keep
    Dragon Laffs alive!

    • impishdragon says:

      Sadly Ginny, what you don’t know is that the issue only posted on the 17th try.

      • Ginny says:

        Not HAPPY to hear that! It came in about the normal time…so I thought all was good again. So I guess the help desk is still Patel in the middle of no where on a milk crate.

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