A couple of announcements this morning. 

You may be wondering why the background is still winter snow on the blog when it’s March already.  Well,  mostly because, as I’m looking out the window, we are having flurries right now, and unless the forecast changes, we’re going to have a winter storm warning on Monday!  So yes, although I’m very sick and tired of winter, it seems as though it is still here.

Now, I may not be the brightest dragon on the block, but that damn groundhog’s six-week prediction expires on Friday, March 17th!  … Something else is happening on that day, too….hmmm….I’m not sure, but I think our own dear Lethal Leprechaun will probably tell us a little bit about that on Wednesday.

This next announcement is a bit of bad news….and I’m really sorry.  Tonight, when  you go to bed, you’re going to lose an hour’s sleep because it’s daylight savings time…again.  Officially, at 0100 hours Sunday morning, through the benefit of modern magic, it becomes 0200 hours.  Why in the world are we still doing this nonsense?

Anyway, I’m sorry I had to give you that bad news, but ….there it is.  Now, let’s get to the laughter…

This next one is from Papa Dragon Most Senior (we’ve got to come up with a shorter name for him) and it’s the perfect American solution.

There we go again – Bowing to the Muslim wishes again!

Very elegant solution!

When I was a real youngster, the kid who had this in his backyard was the luckiest kid in the neighborhood and all the parents knew exactly where their kids were.

“Well hey baby, you come to this beach often?”

I found this next one really interesting…

Here are some really awesome Great Truths.  Send in by my dad.  I’m sure you’ve heard some, most or even all of these before, but the nature of Great Truths, is that they are forever worth repeating.

“The name is Bond…Jane Bond.”

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.  I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.  She seemed surprised.

 

I’ve seen that guy around…a lot!

I have the heart of a lion!  (And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.)

This one is for my brother Lethal:

Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5 and 6 come before 1, 2, and 3?

Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.

(I know, that was pretty awful)  (I’m done now)

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. 

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.’ 

‘I have a better idea,’ she replied in a sultry tone, ‘Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married’.

‘Wow! That’s a great idea!’ he exclaimed.

‘Good,’ she replied, ‘Get your own fucking blanket!’ 

After a moment of silence, he farted.

This is truly amazing!  And very fitting that it happened in Indianapolis, the basketball capital of the world!  Hoosier Hysteria breaks out everywhere!

Central Christian Academy’s Josh Clanton sinks a full court shot to win a High School play off game against Indianapolis Arlington.

I put the thingamabob inside the whatchamacallit, turned the doohickey and the wuteveritis still doesn’t work!
Any ideas?

Yeah, me too Fido, but we don’t have much choice any more.

(In case you can’t tell, that little smilie is performing a “rim-shot”…you know … ta-dum, dum, dum!)

I love this one.  I had no idea I was a pet person until later in life and this is so darn true.

Dear Cats & Dogs:

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this.  Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Cats and dogs actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.  If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years–canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat or dog’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don’t.

2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur”niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are easier  than kids…they eat less, don’t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don’t hang out with drug-using friends, don’t smoke or drink, don’t worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don’t wear your clothes, and don’t need a gazillion dollars for college–and,you get them spayed and or neutered and if and accident happens and they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

 

 

And finally, today’s Last Word is more of a Last Reminder and it’s brought to you by Lethal Leprechaun…

US daylight savings time means spring ahead 1 hour

The short-term pain: Lose an hour of sleep Saturday night. The long-term gain: Enjoy more evening light in the months ahead, when the weather warms and you want to be outdoors.

Advance your clocks by 60 minutes before tucking in, so you’re not caught off-guard Sunday morning. For most of the U.S., the change officially starts Sunday at 2 a.m. local time.

You may want to install fresh batteries in smoke detectors and radios, and repeat that when standard time returns Nov. 5.

No time change is observed in Hawaii, most of Arizona, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, American Samoa, Guam and the Northern Marianas.