Dragon Laffs #1530


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campers


A couple of announcements this morning.  2b

You may be wondering why the background is still winter snow on the blog when it’s March already.  Well,  mostly because, as I’m looking out the window, we are having flurries right now, and unless the forecast changes, we’re going to have a winter storm warning on Monday!  So yes, although I’m very sick and tired of winter, it seems as though it is still here.

Now, I may not be the brightest dragon on the block, but that damn groundhog’s six-week prediction expires on Friday, March 17th!  … Something else is happening on that day, too….hmmm….I’m not sure, but I think our own dear Lethal Leprechaun will probably tell us a little bit about that on Wednesday.

This next announcement is a bit of bad news….and I’m really sorry.  Tonight, when  you go to bed, you’re going to lose an hour’s sleep because it’s daylight savings time…again.  Daylightsavingstime1Officially, at 0100 hours Sunday morning, through the benefit of modern magic, it becomes 0200 hours.  Why in the world are we still doing this nonsense?Daylightsavingstime4

Anyway, I’m sorry I had to give you that bad news, but ….there it is.  Now, let’s get to the laughter…

let's laugh

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This next one is from Papa Dragon Most Senior (we’ve got to come up with a shorter name for him) and it’s the perfect American solution.

MUSLIMS REQUEST BEACH BAN..
..Scroll Down..
 
In Florida, Muslims request BEACH BAN “BIKINIS” DURING RAMADAN.

10

11

There we go again – Bowing to the Muslim wishes again!

Very elegant solution!

An ancient green leprechaun came into the Doctor’s office and complained of being tired. The Doctor asked if he’d done anything unusual lately.
Lethal Mr. Leprechaun said, “Well, Wednesday night I picked up a 20-year-old secretary, went back to her place, and nailed her 3 times. Thursday, I met a 19-year-old waitress at the diner and we went out to Lover’s Rock and made love 4 times. Friday, I went out with an 18-year-old friend of my granddaughter’s and we ended up making it in the back of my Ford. Saturday I was lured into a motel by 17-year-old twins…”
The Doctor said, “That’s absolutely astonishing. But with all the dangers of sex these days, I hope you took proper precautions.”
“Of course,” the green one replied, “I gave ’em all phony names…”   Official Disclaimer: No particular Leprechaun, implied or named, was the focus of the above story.   2599

When I was a real youngster, the kid who had this in his backyard was the luckiest kid in the neighborhood and all the parents knew exactly where their kids were.

Dragon

18

“Well hey baby, you come to this beach often?”

I found this next one really interesting…

Print

Here are some really awesome Great Truths.  Send in by my dad.  I’m sure you’ve heard some, most or even all of these before, but the nature of Great Truths, is that they are forever worth repeating.

GREAT TRUTHS
  
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.  
John Adams
2. If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed,
if you do read the newspaper you are  misinformed.
Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot.
And  suppose you were a member of  Congress.
But then I repeat  myself.
Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
Winston Churchill
5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George  Bernard Shaw
  
6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
G. Gordon  Liddy
  
7. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.  
P.J. O’Rourke,Civil Libertarian
  
8. Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
If it  moves, tax it.
If it keeps  moving, regulate it.
And if it  stops moving, subsidize it.  
Ronald Reagan(1986)

  
9. I don’t make jokes.  I just watch the government and report the  facts.
Will Rogers
10. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!  
P. J. O’Rourke
                      
11. No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.  
Mark Twain(1866)

  
12. Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it.
Anonymous
13. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
— Winston Churchill
  
14. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.  
— 
  
Mark Twain

  
15. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress.
Mark Twain
  
16. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians  
Edward Langley
,
Artist (1928-1995)

  
17. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything  you have.
Thomas Jefferson
   2603
 
And again, more truisms that, at times, need to be repeated for people to remember.
FIVE BEST SENTENCES
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealthy
out of prosperity.
  
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
  
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
  
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
  
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the  beginning of the end of any nation!

2604

Fantasy

f2010090802

“The name is Bond…Jane Bond.”

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.  I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

2605

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.  She seemed surprised.

 

2606

I’ve seen that guy around…a lot!

I have the heart of a lion!  (And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.)

2612

This one is for my brother Lethal:

Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5 and 6 come before 1, 2, and 3?

Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

2613

Politicians

4a

 

4b

 

4c

 

4d

 

4e

 

4f

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.

(I know, that was pretty awful)  (I’m done now)

2618

9j

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
2

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. 

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.’ 

‘I have a better idea,’ she replied in a sultry tone, ‘Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married’.

‘Wow! That’s a great idea!’ he exclaimed.

‘Good,’ she replied, ‘Get your own fucking blanket!’ 

After a moment of silence, he farted.

2619

This is truly amazing!  And very fitting that it happened in Indianapolis, the basketball capital of the world!  Hoosier Hysteria breaks out everywhere!

Central Christian Academy’s Josh Clanton sinks a full court shot to win a High School play off game against Indianapolis Arlington.

2a

I put the thingamabob inside the whatchamacallit, turned the doohickey and the wuteveritis still doesn’t work!
Any ideas?

2621

Critter

a27

a28

a29

a30

a31

a32

Yeah, me too Fido, but we don’t have much choice any more.

In the swim-meet, after the blond came in last competing in the breast stroke,  she complained to the judges that all the other girls were using their arms.

rimshot

(In case you can’t tell, that little smilie is performing a “rim-shot”…you know … ta-dum, dum, dum!)

2622

I love this one.  I had no idea I was a pet person until later in life and this is so darn true.

Dear Cats & Dogs:

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
cat
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

Tcat3he stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this.  Do nothappy dog think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Cats and dogs actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary tocute dog and cat sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.  If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years–canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

Tdog face littlehe proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat or dog’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don’t.

2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur”niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.
Puppy shocked
Dogs and cats are easier  than kids…they eat less, don’t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don’t hang out with drug-using friends, don’t smoke or drink, don’t worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don’t wear your clothes, and don’t need a gazillion dollars for college–and,you get them spayed and or neutered and if and accident happens and they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

2624

Motivate

Moron

Mother in law visits

mother's day

Mother's Love

motivation

Motivation2

 

2625

THE MEDICAL DISTINCTION BETWEEN “GUTS” AND “BALLS”
We’ve heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”,  or with “Balls”. Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.
GUTS – It is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts”  too ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
BALLS – It is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say:  ‘You’re next, Chubby.’
I trust this clears up any confusion.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal…

 

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9u

2627

9v

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Last Word

And finally, today’s Last Word is more of a Last Reminder and it’s brought to you by Lethal Leprechaun…

Daylightsavingstime6

US daylight savings time means spring ahead 1 hour

WASHINGTON >> It’s time to change time again. Daylight saving time returns this weekend in the United States.

The short-term pain: Lose an hour of sleep Saturday night. The long-term gain: Enjoy more evening light in the months ahead, when the weather warms and you want to be outdoors.

Advance your clocks by 60 minutes before tucking in, so you’re not caught off-guard Sunday morning. For most of the U.S., the change officially starts Sunday at 2 a.m. local time.

You may want to install fresh batteries in smoke detectors and radios, and repeat that when standard time returns Nov. 5.

No time change is observed in Hawaii, most of Arizona, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, American Samoa, Guam and the Northern Marianas.

daylightsavingstime7

Cheers Impish

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One Response to Dragon Laffs #1530

  1. Ginny says:

    Loved THE MEDICAL DISTINCTION BETWEEN “GUTS” AND “BALLS” very funny. Thanks for the
    reminder of the clocks advancing 1 hour, I personally hate losing the hour…but do like when it
    stays light longer at night. Well it’s the weekend….relax sleep late and nap if you want. Great issue my favorite Dragon….

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