[The train is made completely of/from Ice and Snow. My understanding is that you can actually enter certain portions of it]

Good morning.

I have one housekeeping announcement before moving right to the issue as I am excessively swamped as a result of several kicks in the teeth and head from 2017 the latest being the loss of all Internet related services for 36 hours last Friday & Saturday. As a result I am almost an entire week behind now on my business.

This year’s St. Patrick’s Day issue will likely be greatly curtailed since it isn’t nearly as close to my regular posting day as it has been the past several years.

Honestly as a result of several major personal events in my life in recent weeks and their on going aftermath, as well as a death in my family on the 17th of March last year, I find myself without the enthusiasm for or will to make the extra time required to put out a special issue for a day that has no real bearing on or serious meaning for most of you.

Speaking of issues, enough seriousness already, lets get this one started.

I’ll have a double of what the deceased had please!

What’s coffee w/o doughnuts?

Top to Bottom:

Oreo Donut: (white frosting filling w/ chocolate crumbles on top)

Nutella Cream: (Bavarian cream filling Nutella and crush hazel nuts)

S’mores Doughnut: (Old fashion Doughnut with Dark Chocolate dip mini marshmallows & graham cracker crumbles)

DAMN! It’s been so long since I posted food I totally forgot to have Ginny and her weak knees secured beforehand. Someone please help her up off the floor.

Almost too darn beautiful to contemplate using!

I could have used a set up like this more than once in my life!

Wait for it, if you watch long enough you’ll see it as it comes by.

Stationary

The distinguished-looking elderly man asked at the department store information kiosk where he might purchase some personal stationery.

He was directed to the notions department on the third floor, but in the crowded elevator he became confused and got off on the fourth floor by mistake.
Approaching the attractive floor manager standing near the elevator doors, he said, “Excuse me, Miss, but do you have notions?”
“Sure,” she replied mischievously, “but during the work week I try to suppress them until after five o’clock.”
“No, no, you don’t understand,” he stammered. “I mean to say, do you keep stationery?”

OH HELLS NO! THAT is NEVER going to happen! EWWWW!

As long as we’re being “potty minded” for a moment…

Speaking of toilets and OH HELLS NO! This seems like the right place for this next bit…

There are important questions to be answered about recent LGBT bathroom legislation and whether transgender people will be permitted to use a restroom of the gender that they “identify” with or be required to use the restroom of their biological gender.

If the latter, will public restrooms be required to have a Genital Inspection Station posted at the entrance to all public restrooms?

Who will have to pay these Pecker Checkers, the people using the restroom, or the entity that owns the restroom?

And how much money will a Pecker Checker be paid to check peckers?

Or, do we pay a Pecker Checker by the number of peckers checked?

How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker could check peckers?

What has this country come to when the U.S. Department of Labor has to create a new job description of Politically Correct Restroom Service Inspectors?

Want to guess their motto ?

“If You gotta pee – We gotta see!”

I hear the TSA while this issue technically has no bearing on travel is angling to be in charge of the checking given their vast experience in genital groping at airports.

Who knew there were people you could hire for help with this?

Somehow this next one just seemed to belong right after this one. I don’t know why.

Joining a Biker Club

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.

One day she goes up and knocks on a biker’s door. A big hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
“She proclaims, “I want to join your club.”
The guy was amused, but explains that she needs to meet certain criteria biker requirements in order to join the club. The biker asks, “Do you have a motorcycle?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep, my bike’s parked over there,” and pointed to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, “Do you drink?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep, drink like a fish…beer mostly, whiskey when I’m shooting pool. I’ll drink everyone in your club under the table.”
The biker is surprised but then asks, “Do you smoke?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day, and cigars when I’m drinking whiskey and shooting pool.”
The biker is very impressed and asks, “Last question, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz…?”
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, “Nope, but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times……”

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport ..

The pilot comes on the intercom, ‘This is your Captain…

We’re on our final descent into Tampa I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area’.

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot,

‘So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we’re in Tampa ?’

‘Well,’ says the skipper, ‘first I’m gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap….then I’m gonna take that new stewardess with the big boobs out for dinner…. I’m gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.’

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot’s talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.

She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: ‘No need to hurry, dear.  He’s gotta land the plane and take a crap first.’

Old Timers Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, ‘Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?  We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.’

‘Yes’, she says, ‘I remember it well.’

‘OK,’ he says, ‘How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?’ 

‘Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!’ ;

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation, and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, ‘I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.  I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.’ 

So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.  Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.  As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.  This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.  Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. 

The policeman is amazed.  He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.  The policeman is still watching.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, ‘Excuse me, but that was something else.  You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together.  Is there some sort of secret to this?’

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, ‘Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.’

Jerry Lee Lewis – “Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin On”