Dragon Laffs #1528


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Campers

A lot of you have asked me when my hip surgery is going to be and a lot of you noticed that I wasn’t as verbose last week as I normally am.  Well, they are both connected.

I was hoping to have my surgery on the 6th of March or at worst on the 13th.  Well, as it worked out, because I’ve had so many steroid shots in my back over the last several months trying to find out and fix my pain problem, my blood work came back screwed up and the surgeon said that he wanted to wait a month and test my blood again.  So that puts me out into April at the earliest.

Now, I know that I’ve been dealing with pain for several years now, although never this bad, so what’s another month or so?  But, when you have possible relief in sight for something that’s been going on for years…well, you know what I mean.

But, I’m going to do my very best to pull myself out of the doldrums and put a good face on things and in that vein…
Let's Laugh 2554

I had a joke right here…in this spot…that just disappeared just as Lethal’s Wednesday issue published.  Now, that’s some damn fine magic to make a joke disappear because he had already used it.

Now, why can’t he use that power on politicians?

9r

2555

dear

Hi Guys,

        I need some help. I know quite a bit about anatomy, but, I saw a report on the news and again in the paper that has me a little stumped.  What the hell is a woman’s “Yet”?  In the report they both said the same thing: “A woman was shot and they haven’t been able to get the bullet out of her “Yet”?  Any ideas?
Signed,
Non-anatomical Paul
Dear Non-anti,
          I’m really surprised that, as a retired Fireman and married to our dear Ginny, that you don’t know what a woman’s “Yet” is.  Have you never seen the cartoon where you eat at the Y?  Here’s an example of one:
17
 So, you know what the Y is and the et is just short hand for eat.  So, a woman’s “Yet” is pretty obvious.  And I can understand completely why it would be so difficult to get a bullet out of there, because it’s so damn hard to get in to a woman’s yet under any circumstances.
Signed,
Impish Dragon
Our esteemed Lethal Leprechaun has also honored Paul with an answer to his question…
As the residing Dr. of Quackery for DL/LL Digital Media I am well acquainted with the location of a woman’s Yet.
 
The term they used is a pidgin variation of the colloquialism ‘Yeti’ This refers to the Pubic area hair of certain females whom due to their racial heritage and genetic tendencies are hirsute to the extreme. These women are usually described by
single males while alone as ‘She was as hairy as a damned Yeti’  We’re talking a bush so dense and rough that would give a DR Brushmower pause here.
 
You know the sort, it starts with the line of hair leading down from their navel (oft referred to colloquially as ‘snail tracks’) and suddenly erupts into coverage from hip bone to hip bone and continuing down and around well up their butt cleft and down the inside of their upper thighs as well. In general it tends to be as thick, dense and wiry as the European Hedge Rows that were such a problem for tanks during WWII. Basically you’d have an easier time getting through a field of brambles.  Nothing penetrates, it’s nearly impossible to cut, it laughs at depilatories (Nair) or waxing and if you lose something in it it might well be lost for eternity.
 
Once you know and understand this condition its easy to see why the bullet has yet to be removed as they probably need a metal detector to locate it and several Combat Medics who’ve spent considerable time in South East Asian Jungles (Yets tend to be very humid, damp and swampy just like those jungles) in order to retrieve the bullet, assuming that the lady in questions Yet is of a mind to allow it to be found much less give it up.
 
That’s my Professional Quack’s opinion and I’m sticking to it.
Well, there you have it.  Two professional opinions that gave you the exact same answer from two completely different directions.

14

So yes, I changed the wording a little bit but I think it’s a lot more fun this way.

If you’ve ever been associated with airplanes at all, you probably know what a “bird strike” is.  It’s when an aircraft in flight, comes in contact with a bird.  This normally means the bird is swallowed up by the engine which can cause the engine lots of problems.  Up to and including complete destruction.  Aircraft engines are much more delicate than you might think.

Anyway…

I’ve been involved in some bird strikes that would curl your hair.  But I’ve NEVER even heard of anything like this!

15So, if the picture is too small for you to read, I’ve translated it for you here:
Authorities say an American Eagle flight struck a deer while taking off from the Charlotte, North Carolina, international airport, forcing it to turn around and abort a flight to Gulfport, Mississippi.  The Federal Aviation Administration said in a statement that the pilot of Flight 5320 declared an emergency shortly before 1200 EST Wednesday.  American Airlines spokeswoman Katy Cody said the aircraft was leaking fuel as a result of the deer strike.  TV stations showed damage to one of the right front wing flaps of the CR1700 jet, and emergency personnel
sprayed foam on the aircraft as a precaution.  No injuries were reported.  The 44 passengers aboard the flight deplaned by stairs onto the tarmac and were seen boarding buses to return to the terminal.
Well, I wasn’t able to find any video of it happening, but I did find a video of it returning to the airport and the conversation between the pilot and air traffic control.

 

 

2557

Freddy Kruger Lives!!!!!

With Monday being President’s day, this joke is extra-special funny.

          I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, “What day is tomorrow?”
Without skipping a beat she said, “It’s Presidents Day!”
She’s smart, so I asked her, “What does Presidents Day mean?”  I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush, Trump, or even Clinton or one of our more historical Presidents.
She replied, “Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the Whitehouse, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bullshit.”
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

2558

 

Dragon Pix

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I’m not sure if it’s Christmas time or not with this picture…or if that is mistletoe hanging from the top or not, but I do remember I was pretty drunk at the time this picture was taken.

2559

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he’s had enough.
The bartender said, “I’ve got to ask you — what’s with the pocket business?”
The man replied, “I have my ex and her lawyer’s picture in there. When they start to look honest, I’ve had enough!”    

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Critter

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2

1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
 
2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
 
3. The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle.
 
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
 
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
 
6. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo. No one knows why.
 
7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2″ by 3-1/2″.
 
8. During the chariot scene in “Ben Hur,” a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston’s wearing a watch).
 
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries… .)
 
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.
 
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
 
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564, 000.
 
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
 
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.
 
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
 
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this??)
 
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That’s the opposite of the norm.
 
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’ s “Born in the USA.”
 
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
 
20. The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. This is not necessarily true…but I can’t say that it’s definitely NOT true.
 
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
 
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
 
23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
 
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
 
25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
 
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
 
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, “Elementary, my dear Watson.”
 
28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!
 
29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
 
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
 
31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
 
32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!
Distraction (2)
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What song does this make reference to?  See the answer below, then let me know in the comments whether you got it or not.

One friend was talking with another friend about his cousin who recently passed away. ”By the time cousin Jack died he had a transplanted heart, a plastic hip joint, a plastic leg and a plastic arm.” ”Where did they bury him?”’ ”Duh – they didn’t bury him, he was recycled!”

LOL.  That’s going to be me some day.

2563

Fantasy

f2010090401

Just from the pictures, World of War Craft seems like a cool game.  If I had some extra time I might just enjoy playing….lol…extra time.  That’s a laugh.  Actually, it’s an oxymoron…like jumbo shrimp and military intelligence.

2564

 

Distraction Answer

Live at the Capital Centre, March 1977

Jackson Browne originally began writing “Take It Easy” in 1971 for his own eponymous debut album but was having difficulty finishing the song. His friend and then-neighbor Glenn Frey had heard an early version and later asked Browne about it. Browne then played the unfinished second verse that begins with “Well, I’m a-standin’ on a corner in Winslow, Arizona…”, and Frey finished the verse with “It’s a girl, my lord, in a flatbed Ford, slowin’ down to take a look at me.”[6] Browne was very happy with the result and suggested that they co-write the song.[7] The resulting song became the first track on the Eagles’ debut album and was released as their first single.

Browne told a version of the story in a radio interview: “I knew Glenn Frey from playing these clubs – we kept showing up at the same clubs and singing on the open-mic nights. Glenn happened to come by to say ‘hi,’ and to hang around when I was in the studio, and I showed him the beginnings of that song, and he asked if I was going to put it on my record and I said it wouldn’t be ready in time. He said ‘well, we’ll put it on, we’ll do it,’ ’cause he liked it,” Browne explained. “But it wasn’t finished, and he kept after me to finish it, and finally offered to finish it himself. And after a couple of times when I declined to have him finish my song, I said, ‘all right.’ I finally thought, ‘This is ridiculous. Go ahead and finish it. Do it.’ And he finished it in spectacular fashion. And, what’s more, arranged it in a way that was far superior to what I had written.

And of course….the lyrics:

“Take It Easy”

Well, I’m running down the road 
tryin’ to loosen my load 
I’ve got seven women on 
my mind, 
Four that wanna own me, 
Two that wanna stone me, 
One says she’s a friend of mine 
Take It easy, take it easy 
Don’t let the sound of your own wheels 
drive you crazy 
Lighten up while you still can 
don’t even try to understand 
Just find a place to make your stand 
and take it easy 
Well, I’m a standing on a corner 
in Winslow, Arizona 
and such a fine sight to see 
It’s a girl, my Lord, in a flatbed 
Ford slowin’ down to take a look at me 
Come on, baby, don’t say maybe 
I gotta know if your sweet love is 
gonna save me 
We may lose and we may win though 
we will never be here again 
so open up, I’m climbin’ in, 
so take it easy 
Well I’m running down the road trying to loosen 
my load, got a world of trouble on my mind 
lookin’ for a lover who won’t blow my 
cover, she’s so hard to find 
Take it easy, take it easy 
don’t let the sound of your own 
wheels make you crazy 
come on baby, don’t say maybe 
I gotta know if your sweet love is 
gonna save me, oh oh oh 
Oh we got it easy 
We oughta take it easy

 

One of my favorite songs of all time….and the original picture set this all off.

So, did you get it right?

2566
Okay, I want a redo!  This is bullshit!  Read this:
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I’m over age 55 and dammit, I want my happiness!  It’s gonna take forever for them to legalize marijuana in Indiana!  I’ll be the only ancient blue dragon standing in line at the head-shop.  Unfair!

Motivational

Okay!  Okay!  Enough!  I can hear you grumbling in the back rows!  I take it back!  I’ve never been happier in my whole life!  There, are you happy?  Yeah, pun intended.

Caffeine

Hell, I’m not even functioning until I’ve had my 12th cup.

Irish Special ForcesMondaymondaysmondays2MoneyMonkeywith

Another fine example of the security here at DL&LL Enterprises.

2567

Okay, so I’m sorry, but it had to happen sooner or later…
Groan

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.. The waiter came and took their drink order.

‘I would like a Sprite,’ said the first little piggy.

‘I would like a Coke,’ said the second little piggy.

‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner

‘I want a nice big steak,’ said the first piggy..

‘I would like the salad plate,’ said the second piggy.

‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

‘I want a banana split,’ said the first piggy.

‘I want a cheesecake,’ said the second piggy.

‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ exclaimed the third little piggy.

‘Pardon me for asking,’ said the waiter to the third little piggy,’ But why have you only ordered beer all evening?’

The third piggy says – ‘Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

2568

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”
“No” her mother replied.
“Well, I think I’m gonna be sick, Momma!”
“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush.”
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. “Were you sick?” her mom asked.
“Yes.”
“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the Sick’.”


2569

That explains everything!!!

The preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.
“Good morning, Jonathan,” the preacher said as he reached out to shake Jonathan’s hand.  As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan’s hand. “What’s this?” the preacher asked.
“Money,” said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, “It’s for you!”
“I don’t want to take your money, Jonathan,” the preacher answered.
“I want you to have it,” said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, “My daddy says you’re the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you.”

2570

Political

This is turning into one of the largest issues I’ve ever put together.  It’s amazing what you can do from your couch when you spend most of the week sick as a dog.  I just hope it doesn’t overload the server when I go to upload it.  I guess we’ll find out.

4n4o4p4q4r4s

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Yeah, and just try to explain that to the cops.

Okay, so let’s give one more section a try and we’ll call it an issue:

Signs

6q6r6s6t6u6v

And that, dear friends, is that.  May you have a wonderful weekend and be well till we meet again.

Cheers Impish

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7 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1528

  1. Maggie Culligan says:

    Ah,, Ginny,, I’m old enougt to remember the Dean Martin song and that one never entered my mine,,, I am a HUGE Eagles fan and the Winslow gave it away immediatedly..I hope our dragon gets relief soon,, he needs it. I enjoyed the issue.

  2. Jeannie/Gracie says:

    I thought the same song, Ginny. (That makes you outnumbered, Impish!) hehehehe
    So sorry to hear about your pain and the delay. Another GREAT issue! Thank you!

  3. Ginny says:

    It does…..you were looking at Winslow as part of you hint to TAKE IT EASY….I was looking at the sign on the corner as the hint to the song STANDING ON THE CORNER. It was a case of misunderstanding and that’s the truth.

  4. Ginny says:

    So sorry they are delaying the surgery, give me the name of that Doctor….I don’t like my friend in terrible pain.
    The issue was fantastic from beginning to end…loved the video about the plane reporting a deer strike.
    Ok…you wanted the name of the song with the sign…standing on the corner

    Standing on the Corner
    Dean Martin

    Standing on a corner watching all the girls go by
    Standing on a corner watching all the girls go by
    Brother you don’t know a nicer occupation
    Matter of fact, neither do I
    Than standing on a corner watching all the girls
    Watching all the girls, watching all the girls go by

    I’m the cat that got the cream
    Haven’t got a girl but I can dream
    Haven’t got a girl but I can wish
    So I’ll take me down to Main street
    And that’s where I select my imaginary dish

    Standing on a corner watching all the girls go by
    Standing on a corner giving all the girls the eye
    Brother if you’ve got a rich imagination
    Give it a whirl, give it a try
    Try standing on a corner watching all the girls
    Watching all the girls, watching all the girls go by

    Brother you can’t go to jail for what you’re thinking
    Or for that woo look in your eye
    Standing on the corner watching all the girls
    Watching all the girls, watching all the girls go by

    • impishdragon says:

      Oh so sorry Ginny, that answer is incorrect. I had the answer right down under the question.
      LOL.
      Impish

      • Ginny says:

        This was under the picture of the statue with the sign STANDING ON THE CORNER…….

        What song does this make reference to? See the answer below, then let me know in the comments whether you got it or not..

        So that’s how I arrived at my brilliant answer…are you sure it’s incorrect. Diaman help your friend our here.

      • impishdragon says:

        Yup. The sign on the building gives it away.

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