Owning to a serious incident Monday here at Keebler Towers I am uploading this issue ‘as is’ as I do not have any additional time to devote to it as we deal with the aftermath. I’d rather this be unpolished &/or not quite up to my usual standards than not at all.
I hope you’ll understand, my wife and my family will always come first and right now that is where my attention needs to be focused.
Or put another way…
Sign me up for the (hic!) product trials!
SIGH! So very very true here at Keebler Towers. I’ve bought from 3 different client’s daughters now, all Thin Mints (2 boxes each) then Molly came home last Thursday and told me a co-workers daughter was selling Girl Scout Cookies so she bought me 2 boxes.
NOW we’re talking!
Unless it’s Girl Scout Cookies of course!
NEVER LIE TO YOUR RABBI
At Friday night services, Morris goes to his friend Irving and says, “I need a favor. I’m sleeping with the Rabbi’s wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?”
Irving is not very fond of the idea, but being Morris’ lifelong friend, he reluctantly agrees.
After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions – just to keep him occupied.
After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks, “Irving what are you really up to?”
Irving, filled with deep feelings of guilt and remorse confesses to the Rabbi, “I’m sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”
The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving’s shoulder and says, “You’d probably better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago!!!”
A Farmer Schools a Lawyer
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde.
“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the…”
“I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”
Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie”.
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, “How are you feeling?”
“Now tell me, what WOULD you say!?”
A golden eagle grabs a flying drone during a military training exercise at Mont-de-Marsan French Air Force base, Southwestern France, February 10, 2017. REUTERS/Regis Duvignau Well at least we know French Eagles don’t surrender!
If this NASA scientist isn’t wrong, 2017’s got 3 days left!
Hug your loved ones, your pups, your kitties and even your closest enemies. There might be something from outer space that is on its way to destroy us. Even more ironic, it’s literally named after the year it was discovered. 2016.
It might be 2017, but I kid you not, 2016 it still out to get you and mess you up a little more.
According to Dr. Joseph Nuth of NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Centre, an ‘extinction-level’ event, much like the meteor that killed the dinosaurs, is headed our way. Discovered back in December of 2016, they’ve decided to name the unknown object (they’re still not sure if it’s a comet or a meteor) 2016 WF9.
Thanks again 2016. Like you weren’t enough of an asshole to take Bowie, Prince, Princess Leia and everyone else.
Just die already 2016!
And while you’re thinking, ‘ok, they’ve spotted it, they must be coming up with something,’ you’re wrong. Start preparing for the end because the date that NASA predicts the mysterious object will be coming to earth is February 25th.
So we’re going to join the dinosaurs and the earth might just be wiped clean.
The worst part of it is that there’s nothing we can do about it at the moment. With the space program on hold and no viable ways of getting people out into space safely to, let’s say, blow it up, there’s no way to prevent it from hitting us. We could task Space-X or Virgin Galactic to do something, but with the discovery happening in December, and the estimated date of the extinction event to be in less than a month, no one can do anything that quick.
There’s no giant lasers, or oil drilling astronauts with cool ships and a rocking soundtrack. There’s nothing.
On one hand, there’s two glimmers of hope, so don’t quite panic yet. The first is that while NASA’s calling this an ‘extinction-level’ event on the same scale as the dinosaurs, there’s a strong chance that it’ll pass us by and miss us by 32 million miles. So we’ve got that going for us.
The other thing he’s suggested is that this meteor flyby thing happens pretty often and he suggests we should just have one rocket on standby, waiting in the eventuality that we’re going to have to shoot something out of the sky before it kills us. He says he’s proposed this to NASA and the government. But with our luck, we’ll get someone to try to build a wall to space or some shit like that.
On the other hand, however, there’s some who believe that we’re being lied to to avoid panic and we are indeed, gonna get smushed.
Self-proclaimed Russian astronomer Dr. Dyomin Damir Zakharovich, has been tracking the object and he says that instead of missing us, it’s going to hit us and cause a mega-tsunami.
This is where things get a little sketchy, though. Zakharovich believes in the Nibiru Cataclysm, the conspiracy theory that claims there’s a planet called Nibiru or Planet X that will either collide with us, or send an object to collide with us, in the 21st Century, and end all life on earth. You can read more about the theory in the link above, but he claims that it’s true.
He says that we’re all in peril and since NASA can’t help us or stop it from happening, they’re going to let it just hit us and not tell anyone about it. Also, they’re lying about the date. It’s gonna take us out on the 16th of February, so you still have to buy the chocolates and flowers and shit, but maybe tell your date/one night stand that you’ll call her in two days. The world’s ending anyways, right?
NASA refutes his claims (and those of thousands of people that call/email/write to NASA on a daily basis asking them why they keep on discounting the Nibiru theory). They’ve analyzed the object and found that it’s a dark object that’s somewhere between 0.3 and 0.6 miles across. They know its trajectory and know that it will most definitely miss us (they think). And while it appears to resemble a comet, as far as its reflectivity and its orbit, it doesn’t have the signature dust and gas cloud that a comet would have.
In short, they know something is coming, they just don’t know what. But they’re certain it won’t hit us. Probably.
So depending on how you feel about conspiracies, government agencies and space in general, maybe arm yourself with the knowledge that the world might, or might not end, and conduct yourself accordingly.
Impish was depressed over his track record with female relationships (then again what man isn’t?) and went to seek advice from his buddy & pal Lethal.
After listening to Impish lament his failures over Brown Gold and Bailey’s for about 15 minutes Lethal told Impish he knew exactly what Impish’s problem was and how to explain it simply to him.
He took a piece of printer paper and quickly drew this diagram for Impish:
Speaking of Impish, here’s a peek at the $2500 refurbishment of his “Little Dragon’s Room” he just had to have:
Now, I cast no aspersions, but I understand the round mirrors are two sided and the magnifying side faces out.
Just saying shouldn’t there should be a little brass warning sign on the wall- “Object in the mirror(S) may be smaller than they appear.”?
You know how some lawyers chase ambulances? Well these guys chase cops.
Damn it Impish! I told you- stay out of my fridge! NO you CANNOT borrow some of my “lettuce”. Now shut the damned door you’re wilting my $50s.
YOU’RE BLOODY WELL DAMNED RIGHT I LET WEDNESDAY RAID MY FRIDGE!
And if you cant see why and understand it you’re not only blind your daft as well!
NO IMPISH! You CANNOT just raid Wednesday instead either!
Dang! That guy’s got serious talent!
Excellent idea! Think I’ll customize a couple of these for Impish, Molly & I.
Bet I could make a serious buck selling those things too!
Let me give you a hint Impish, if life sounds like a bus, then it’s definitely trying to run your big blue butt over.
Sonic Drive-In, Rio Grande Valley Texas style.
New “Todays Exam,” you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.
[No scrolling down for the answers until you answer them all]
1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI’s first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below.
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats?Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI’s first name? Albert
8 ) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed?
Me, too! [ I managed 3 correct from playing a lot of Trivial Pursuit]
(And if you try to tell me you passed, you is fibbin)