Dragon Laffs #1527


Dragon Laffs 1

Good Morning Campers,

It’s been a very long, very hard week.  I don’t know about you guys, but I’m really ready.  So, without any further ado…

 

Let's Laugh

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The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) GED is Government Equivalency Diploma. (Actually, GED stands for General Educational Development)
 
Q. Name the four seasons A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
 
Q. How is dew formed A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
 
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
 
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
 
Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
 
Q… What happens to your body as you age A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
 
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
 
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A.. Premature death
 
Q. What is artificial insemination A… When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
 
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
 
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen) A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!)
 
Q. What is the fibula? A.. A small lie
 
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean? A.. Nearby
 
Q. What is the most common form of birth control A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)
 
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’ A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
 
Q. What is a seizure? A.. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
 
Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
 
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean? A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
 
Q. What is a turbine? A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (now we’re getting somewhere)
I am appalled!  If it was even close to true, I’d be flabbergasted as well.
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Speaking of cows, this is either a new twist on an old joke or an old twist on a new joke.  I’m not really sure.  And that’s because my head really isn’t in the game today, but let’s have fun anyway, shall we?

Bud the Montana Cowboy   

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd  in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when  suddenly a brand-new 2015 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The  driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and  YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly  how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?” 

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a  yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure,  why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his  Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple i phone, and surfs to a NASA  page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on  his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area  in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo  in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg,  Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his  Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then  accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with  email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a  response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color,  150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the  cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take  one of my calves,” says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the  animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk  of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I  can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?” 

The young man thinks about it for a second  and then says, “Okay, why not?” 

“You’re a Congressman for the  U.S. Government”, says Bud.   

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but  how did you guess that?” 

“No  guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though  nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a  question I never asked. You used millions of dollars’ worth of equipment trying  to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know shit about  how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a  herd of sheep.” 

“Now give me back my dog.”

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.  

And I’m said to say that it probably isn’t going to get any better any time soon.  Even with the right person (of the two we had to choose from) in office, and a majority in both houses, there are still way too many people in charge who have no idea how REAL people live, what our problems are, what we need….etc.  But, we can always hope.  Or move to a cave, some where.

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dragon pix

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One of my brothers, Rodney Red, got this cool gig posing for this travel agency.  He is now the poster child for Dragon Mountain.  It’s a pretty good gig.  Keeps him out of trouble.

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I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden…
How the hell am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I always just look at my Weather Bug app on my phone, change the location to Sweden, check the weather and then I know if I have to put on my headlights or not.

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movie

Did you know that Google Maps just celebrated its 11th birthday? This YouTube video is comprised of 3,305 screenshots from Google Earth. It looks like a sped-up helicopter tour of our beautiful planet. Is your favorite city included in the roundup? Watch for a magnificent view of several international landmarks.

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner? 
Here  is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can  be found by posing the following question: 

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you…

You are carrying  a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your  family.

What do you do?

THINK  CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL  DOWN:

Which of the following most closely matches your answer?


Democrat’s Answer:

  • Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!
  • What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
  • Does the man look poor or oppressed?
  • Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
  • Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
  • Could we run away?
  • What does my wife think?
  • What about the kids?
  • Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
  • What does the law say about this situation?
  • Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
  • Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
  • Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me?
  • Does he definitely want to kill me, or would  he be content just to wound me?
  • If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing  me?
  • Should I call 9-1-1?
  • Why is this street so deserted?
  • We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
  • Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior?
  • I  need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
  • This is all so confusing!

Republican’s Answer:

BANG!

Southerner’s  Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!  BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Click….. (Sounds of reloading)

BANG!  BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG!

BANG!

BANG!

Click

Daughter: ‘Nice grouping, Daddy!’  ‘Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!

Son: ‘Can I shoot the next one?!’

Wife: ‘You ain’t taking that to the Taxidermist!

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This is an old joke that has been around for a long time…but it is funny as hell, and if you have never seen it, then you are in for a treat.

A Hell of a Test

The following is an actual bonus question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by an exceptional young man.  The answer by this student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
 
Bonus Question:  Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat). 
 
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.  
 
One student, however, wrote the following: 
 
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. We need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.  
 
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not ever leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions in the world today. Most religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
 
 
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
 
 
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
 
This gives two possibilities: 
 
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 
 
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
 
So which is it? 
 
If we accept the postulate given to me by Louise during my Freshman year that ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus, I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
 
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct…..leaving only Heaven,  thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Louise kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’  
 
This student received an A+. 

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And here’s a great golf joke especially for my dad.

Golfing in Heaven

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.
 
Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen.
 
St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don’t hit the ducks during your first three months here.
 
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, “The ducks?

“Yes”, St. Peter replies, “There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they’re all quacking to beat the band It really breaks the tranquility, and if you hit one of the ducks, you’ll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy.
Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks.
 
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, “Who hit the duck? The guy who had done it admitted, “I did. St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the
ducks,”, he said. Now you’ll be handcuffed together for
eternity.The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.

He cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the ducks,” he said; “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.” The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even play for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months, he still hadn’t hit a duck.

St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman – the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
 
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud, “I wonder what I did to deserve this?
 
The woman responds, “I don’t know about you, but I hit a duck.”
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critter

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A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days.

“Just act surprised and tell them you didn’t think that they were old enough to remember them.”
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Does it surprise anybody that the boat is based out of Jersey?

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motivational

CaffeineIrish Special ForcesMondaymondaysmondays2Money

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There should be one line at every store for people who have their shit together.

Groan

You are going to hate yourself after this one…or you’re going to hate me, one or the other.

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.
Sid asks Abe, “Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico ?”
Abe replies,”I don’t know, let’s ask our waiter.”

When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, “Are there any Mexican Jews?”

 
The waiter says, “I don’t know senor, I ask the cooks.
He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, “No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews.”
 
Abe isn’t satisfied and asks, “Are you absolutely sure?”
 
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with “Gringos” replies, “I check once again, senor,” and goes back into the kitchen.
 
While the waiter is away, Si d says, “I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere.”
 
The waiter returns and says, “Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews.”
 
“Are you certain?” Abe asks again. “I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!”
 
“Senor, I ask EVERYONE,” replies the exasperated waiter.  “All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews.”
I warned you.
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That’s it for today my friends..

CheersImpish Dragon

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1527

  1. Maggie Culligan says:

    awww,, sorry you had a bummer week,,, it was a great issue,, loved the GED bit and the Congressman bit,, I’m with Ginny,, if you need PEC sammies,, I can get ya some,, of course it’s a staple here in NJ. hope you are doing better real soon

  2. Ginny says:

    Sorry to hear your week was a killer. Tell them to go easy on our Dragon….you are one of a kind! Jokes were funny as the videos and hell just about everything. Of course that boat was from
    NEW JERSEY….we have good sense of humors in this State. Have a good weekend…get some
    much needed R&R. So when are you going for your brandy new hip? Diaman wants to know to schedule body rubs…I’m bring the Taylor Ham….eggs….cheese and a wonderful Jersey hard roll.Take care……

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