Leprechaun Laughs #350 for July 20th 2016


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As you begin filing into the Conference Room you hear wheat appears to be a wheedling session between Impish who is on stage and the disembodied voice of Lethal who is apparently on speaker phone.

(In his best wheedling and whining tone) Please? I can be anyplace in the world in under 12 hours. Come on buddy, share the womanly wealth with your best pal!

NO! And no you cannot be anyplace in the world in under 12 hours! Need I remind you again for the eighth time in this conversation that your flight status and pilots license have been revoked? You are GROUNDED until after the Labor Day holiday, both here and in the mythical world.

But you’re my lawyer! Do something! I saw the last bill of lading for the  supplies you ordered. An entire pallet of five gallon pails of Coconut oil sunscreen! That’s 6 buckets full!

Besides I heard you’ve got a portal working there now just give me the  Rune Address, I promise to tell practically nobody, and I don’t even need to fly I’ll be there in a heart beat literally.

Sorry not happening. You don’t have a Visa for travel into Leprechonia and besides I’m trying to get things accomplished and win the hearts and minds of the local populace so they’ll work for me, not spending my time chasing after a hedonistic libido driven Dragon run amuck because his pal owns the islands.

COME ON! Lethal, I’m begging you here!

Terrance is out learning assertiveness with Hell Boy and one or both of them might be back anytime and then they’ll chain me up so I can’t sneak off, hurt me again if I don’t do things promptly and miss deadlines or even worse!

Worse?

Impish practically whispers after glancing at all of you-

When he was pushing my wheel chair Hell Boy said I was packing on the pounds again and it wasn’t even Thanksgiving or the Holiday Season yet. He threatened to make me choose between going on a diet here or going back to…to the Hokey Pokey Clinic to see the Sadistic Sargent for 6 weeks!

Sorry pal. You procrastinated your way into this, you’ll just have to dragon up and do your time. Besides when I left Friday made me promise not to leave her holding the bag of Corporate Responsibility. She also made me promise she and her sisters could all come down as soon as Terrance got back to ride herd on you for two weeks of working on her all over tan and coconut oil massages. Like it or not you’re staying put. Don’t make me hire Hell Boy and his favorite nurse Sylvia Sphinx to take care of you while I’m out of the office.

Beside according to you the whole basis of your ‘it wasn’t procrastination this time it was scheduling conflicts’ defense is that you’re too wrapped up and busy with your IRL life to do anything in a timely manner. Well if you’re too busy to take and hour to fill out a form, you’re too busy to take a multi day get away fun in the sun sex pretty much anywhere at anytime mini vacation.

Impish’s jaw hangs silently open at the triple impact of this threat, being hoisted so neatly on his own defense’s logic and the revelation that Friday and her named after the other days of the week sisters were all leaving to go be with Lethal while he was denied.

Lethal seize this opportunity to severe the call and commence presentation of the issue:

<Screen comes to life as you all  sit down>

Morning folks!

No I’m not back yet as you can see I’m still in Leprechonia where the views are simply , well stupendously amazing.

(Impish can be heard on stage grumbling under his breath)

Did I say 72 hour getaway?

Yeah, about that-

I might have meant a 7 week and 2 day get away. This interestingly enough co-incises with the ending of the 9 weeks penalty closing of our airstrip for Impish filing his In Flight Incident report egregiously late. As it looks now I should be back just in time for the Labor Day issue and End of Summer Party.

(Lethal pauses a moment for the loud sigh and sudden fainting collapse of Impish from his wheelchair to the stage floor)

What’s going on in the banner photo you ask? Well, first of all I have to quickly buy a bunch of helicopters to met the logistical needs of ferrying people and materials from different boats to the island and between islands until we get the infrastructure up to snuff.

My last guest, Morríghan had no sooner helped me with the basics of Mythical Portal construction then she had to leave to go represent herself as Goddess of Doom & Death in Battle after all the recent violent events in the world this last week. The proprieties must be observed at all times after all.

To my surprise on the next black chopper in (actually all the new ones are black at the moment, black primer. Eventually they’ll get the green gold and orange livery of Lepreconia painted on them when their not quite so busy bringing fair maidens and lustful ladies key personal, dignitaries, equipment and supplies in) brought in another temporary companion for me, in the guise of Maeve whom you see above.

Maeve is a warrior Goddess of Ireland. She was said to have been worshiped at the ancient mystical site of Tara. Her name is translated to mean “intoxicated woman”. She is also a Goddess of sovereignty, fertility, personal power and of the earth.

I’m going to be a gentleman and draw your own conclusions regarding which of her aspects she was here to represent and wither she is dressing our undressing in the photo moments after her arrival.

(Impish who had been coming around hears this moans loudly again and begins banging his head on the stage repeatedly making most items on the stage bounce as well. Thin wisps of smoke can faintly be seen apparently emanating from his ears)

Well as I expected its getting too noisy for me to continue after that last revelation, so I’m going to go since you have an issue to get to and I have a Goddess of flawless figure and skin demanding that I carefully apply coconut oil sunscreen to her using only my beard.

Lethal pauses expectantly and is evidently not disappointed as Impish lets out a high pitched scream of frustration. which momentarily has you covering your ears while K Squared momentarily roused from his post breakfast nap mumbles “ ‘Bout time people spoke up round here.” Before returning to softly snoring.

(Lethal grins broadly, obviously well pleased with his taunting of Impish)

What can I say? When I was born in addition to being blessed by it being decided I’d be Irish, God gave me the choice between a photographic memory and being legendary at sex. Begorrah! Now I’ve clean forgotten what I was going to tell you!

OH! As I was going to say- Gotta go! Duty no matter how tedious it might seem calls!

Impish, now openly sobbing, begins kicking his feet in a frustrated temper tantrum. The sharp return shocks of pain from his broken and casted appendages make him scream and cry in genuine anguish until Ginny and Diamen approach him. While Ginny distracts him by flashing him and giggling he goodies enticingly Diamen stealthily sneaks up behind him while attempting to conceal something from him. Just as Impish is realizing he can no longer see her and turns to see what she is doing she lunges with a pointed pole that looks like a shark stick and seemingly injects Impish with something.

“A NEEDLE?! I HATE NEE…… heeehee needles….ahhh…mmmm….zzzzz”

Lethal’s final words to you as he appears to me looking at his own monitor rather than the camera are: “Don’t worry he’ll be fine. Oh he’ll still be in a foul mood when he wakes up but in far less less pain. I may be a bastard and I may be heartless ,but to my friends and family I’ve never been a heartless bastard. I say that for my enemies and Liberals.

See you next week. Enjoy!”

Let's Roll 28

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Come to the Dark Side- we’ve got Italian Roast with cream or Bailey’s and 4 kinds of Biscotti!

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DAT’s JUST COOL!

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If you don’t get the reference you’re probably too young for this blog kid.

 

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Molly’s Nephew. He raised such a fuss last time he was here over my V for Vendetta mask that I gave it up to get peace and quiet. Apparently its his prized possession. I told my Brother in Law we should keep a close eye on that one, especially if he starts showing an interest in knives.

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Molly nearly killed me when I put this on our car. You should see all the speculative looks I get from MILFs and Cougars in the shopping center parking lots now!

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After recovering from his testing of the Peachcomber recipe Impish complained that my drink recipes should come with a warning about their potential for damaging your sobriety.

Right or wrong he made me realize most of you aren’t Mythical, Irish or even  Jersey party girls and that he might just have a point. Hence the temporary name change for this section until I can make a graphic similar to the Weak Knees Warning one.

Fair warning given, there are two things you should know about Tequila.

a.) Tequila in Spanish translates “Liquid Amnesia” (see video below for explanation)

b.) There is a very on point adage about tequila that everyone would do well to remember:

1 Tequila, 2 Tequila, 3 Tequila, FLOOR!

Fair warning given, enjoy the drink, but only in moderation.

 

Cucumber Watermelon Margaritas

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Prep Time: 10 minutes

Cook Time: 0 minutes

Total Time: 10 minutes

Serves 4 People

 

 

 

Ingredients

1 cucumber, peeled & seeded
3 cup(s) watermelon, seeded & chopped
1 cup(s) tequila
1/2 cup(s) sugar
1/4 cup(s) lime juice

Instructions

1. Place all ingredients in a blender and purée until smooth.

2. Pour blender contents through a fine strainer placed over a bowl. Use a spatula to push some of the particles through the strainer.

3. Once liquid has been strained, discard contents of strainer.

4. Pour mixture over ice and serve

SHELLY WEST JOSE CUERVO

 

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Now I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking this could have easily been avoided if they’d just cleaned the grill once or twice in all that time!

The Ohio Players – Fire

 

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This week I turn my soap box over to a  seventeen year veteran of the Detroit Police Department with a message for us all.

However before I do I’d like to express a thought on this subject that I have been ruminating on for as long as there has been the phrase “Black Lives Matter”.

Taking a page from those same ‘black lives’ let me express this in their vernacular so they can’t miss my point. “Don’t be startin’ nuthin’, won’t be nuthin’ “.  If the majority of blacks stopped by Police regardless of reason/probable cause/racial profiling acted towards police in a calm, civilized and co-operative manner then there would likely not be the number of officer involved shootings of black men that sparked the whole “Black Live Matter” protest. (Black on black shootings wouldn’t go down, but apparently  the BLM movement doesn’t see this as a problem it should be addressing or as acceptable, which if you ask me is damned hypocritical of them.)

Instead they view themselves as above the law and should the get stopped or caught it their racially given right to flee, riot, attempt the assault of, or shoot at police officers with the mindset that they should not be held accountable for their actions because they are black.

I call BULLSHIT on this loudly and proudly.  If that makes me racist fine so be it. Honestly we’ve been appeasing the black community with governmental entitlements, hand outs instead of hand ups and continuing a legacy of failed social programs for so long I’m no longer sure we’re not at least partially responsible for their attitude and behavior towards authority.

Let me relinquish my soap box and introduce you to Merri McGregor  who will expound her first hand view of Black/Blue lives matter for us.

Cop has a message the world needs now more than ever

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In the midst of last week’s tragic police shooting in Dallas, a former Detroit police officer took to Facebook to speak out against violence — and her emotional post has now been shared more than 100,000 times. Merri McGregor posted a photo earlier this week of herself at age 21, on the day she graduated from the Detroit police academy. While the picture shared portrays her as elated, her career was anything but easy. In her own words:

“This is me at 21 years old. This is the day I graduated from the Detroit police academy at 4:00pm, went home and took a couple hour nap, woke up at 9:30 that night and reported to my first tour of duty at the 12th Precinct for midnight shift. Look at that smile on my face. I couldn’t have been more excited, more proud. Armed with my dad’s badge that he wore for 25 years on my chest, one of my mom’s sergeant stripe patches in my pocket, my lucky $2.00 bill tucked into my bulletproof vest, a gun I was barely old enough to purchase bullets for on my hip and enough naive courage for a small army, I headed out the door…my mom snapped this photo on my way.

The next 17 years would bring plenty of shed blood, black eyes, torn ligaments, stab wounds, stitches, funerals, a head injury, permanent and irreparable nerve damage, 5 ruptured discs, some charming PTSD and depression issues and a whole lot of heartache. They brought missed Christmases with my family, my absence from friends’ birthday get-togethers, pricey concert tickets that were forfeited at the last minute because of a late call and many sleepless nights.

I’ve laid in wet grass on the freeway for three hours watching a team of burglars and orchestrating their apprehension, I’ve dodged gunfire while running down a dark alley in the middle of the night chasing a shooting suspect, I’ve argued with women who were too scared to leave their abusive husbands until they realized they had to or they would end up dead. I’ve peeled a dead, burned baby from the front of my uniform shirt, I’ve felt the pride of putting handcuffs on a serial rapist and I’ve cried on the chest of and kissed the cheek of my dead friend, coworker and academy classmate even though it was covered in his own dried blood and didn’t even look like him from all the bullet holes. I know what a bullet sounds like when it’s whizzing past your ear, a few inches away, I know what the sound of a Mother’s shrilling scream is like when she finds out her son has been killed in the middle of the street and I know what it’s like to have to tell a wife and mother of 3 that her husband was killed in a car accident while on his way home from work.”

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“Smells, pictures, sounds and sights are burned and engrained into our minds…things we can never forget, no matter how hard we try; things that haunt our sleep at night and our thoughts during the day; things that we volunteered to deal with so that you don’t have to. Things I don’t want my sister, little cousins or YOU to even have to KNOW about.

I never once went to work thinking, “I’m gonna beat someone tonight.”; “Hmmm…I think I’m gonna kill someone tonight.” I DID, however, go to work every night, knowing that I was going to do the best I could to keep good people safe, even if that meant that I died doing so.

We ALL need to start being more understanding and compassionate toward one another. Violence doesn’t cure violence and hate doesn’t cure hate. I’ve seen and experienced both sides of the spectrum since I left the PD and I get it. I truly do. But this all has to stop.

Are cops perfect? No. Are there bad cops? Yes. But please…understand that the vast majority of police are good, loving, well intentioned family people. They have husbands and wives and children and parents and pets and cousins and mortgages and electric bills and lawns that need cutting, just like you. They have hearts and consciences. They aren’t robots, they’re not machines and they just want to help keep the wolves away from the sheep. I KNOW there’s people who don’t deserve to wear the badge but they’re SO VERY few and far between. It breaks my heart to see all this hatred and anger flying around. All it’s doing is encouraging more of the same.

If you’ve read this far, thank you for listening. I’m not gonna sit here and tell you that if you hate or don’t support one side or the other, to unfriend me and never speak to me again…I hope those are the people who come straight TO me. Because I’ll be more than happy to hug you and pray or meditate with you. I’ll be more than happy to listen to your concerns and let you vent and empathize with your feelings. But then I’ll encourage you to help me find a solution to end all this nonsense because if we’re not part of the solution, we’re part of the problem. Love to all of you. ALL OF YOU. We’re all SO much better than this.”

Thanks , Merri! The world isn’t perfect and individuals of ALL walks of life are flawed and make mistakes. But we have to try to be better to each other and stop this senseless violence. If not world will be left for future generations?

Nearly 50 years ago a man foresaw these events occurring when the problems that face us today were still largely in their infancy and therefore being ignored.  He knew the solution to the problems facing us even back then.  He spoke about it, he even sang about it, but his words of wisdom fell on minds that while appreciative of the music proved largely deaf to the message behind it and his wisdom.

Sadly this talented and wise old man died shortly after so eloquently articulating his solution the the problems of hatred and violence that plague us now and his music and message have gone largely ignored by the following generations who never knew him.

Ladies and Gentleman (you too Impish) I give you the wisdom and music of Louis Armstrong:

Louis Armstrong – What A Wonderful World (Spoken Intro Version) ABC Records 1970

Louis Armstrong (August 4, 1901 — July 6, 1971), nicknamed Satchmo or Pops, was an American jazz trumpeter and singer from New Orleans, Louisiana.

“What a Wonderful World” [1970 Spoken Introduction Version] along with Oliver Nelson’s Orchestra is a song written by Bob Thiele (as George Douglas) and George David Weiss. It was first recorded by Louis Armstrong and released as a single in 1968. Thiele and Weiss were both prominent in the music world (Thiele as a producer and Weiss as a composer/performer). Armstrong’s recording was inducted in the Grammy Hall of Fame in 1999. Intended as an antidote for the increasingly racially and politically charged climate of everyday life in the United States, the song also has a hopeful, optimistic tone with regard to the future, with reference to babies being born into the world and having much to look forward to. The song was initially offered to Tony Bennett, who turned it down. Thereafter, it was offered to Louis Armstrong.

Armstrong died of a heart attack in his sleep on July 6, 1971 at the age of 69, 11 months after playing a famous show at the Waldorf-Astoria’s Empire Room. He was residing in Corona, Queens, New York City, at the time of his death. He was interred in Flushing Cemetery, Flushing, in Queens, New York City. His honorary pallbearers included Bing Crosby, Ella Fitzgerald, Dizzy Gillespie, Pearl Bailey, Count Basie, Harry James, Frank Sinatra, Ed Sullivan, Earl Wilson, Alan King, Johnny Carson and David Frost. Peggy Lee sang The Lord’s Prayer at the services while Al Hibbler sang “Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen” and Fred Robbins, a long-time friend, gave the eulogy.

Armstrong was posthumously awarded the Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award in 1972 by the Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences. This Special Merit Award is presented by vote of the Recording Academy’s National Trustees to performers who, during their lifetimes, have made creative contributions of outstanding artistic significance to the field of recording. Recordings of Armstrong were inducted into the Grammy Hall of Fame, which is a special Grammy award established in 1973 to honor recordings that are at least twenty-five years old, and that have “qualitative or historical significance.”

The spoken intro to the song:

“Some of you young folks been saying to me
” Hey Pops, what you mean ‘What a wonderful world’?

How about all them wars all over the place?
You call them wonderful?

And how about hunger and pollution?
That ain’t so wonderful either.”

Well how about listening to old Pops for a minute.
Seems to me, it aint the world that’s so bad
but what we’re doin’ to it.

And all I’m saying is see what a wonderful world
It would be if only we’d give it a chance.
Love baby, love. That’s the secret, yeah.
If lots more of us loved each other
we’d solve lots more problems.
And then this world would be gasser.

That’s wha’ ol’ Pops keeps saying.”

Amen Satchmo, my brother. Amen

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Clancy brothers and Tommy Makem – Whiskey, you`re the devil

 

Hey, whiskey you’re the devil You’re leading me astray
O’er hills and mountains into Amerikay
Your sweetness from the bleachner You’re spunkier than tea,
Ah, whiskey you’re me darlin’, drunk or so-ber

That’s all for this week folks, now if you’ll kindly excuse me satellite bandwidth is expensive until I buy one and I have to go greet an old friend with a special hug. You’ll see in a minute.

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Friday just arrived ahead of the girls. Gotta go break out one of those 5 gallon buckets of Coconut Tanning Oil, I’ve got to women to beard paint with it now!

About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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7 Responses to Leprechaun Laughs #350 for July 20th 2016

  1. lethalleprechaun says:

    Well Ginny to answer your question of what it feels like here in Texas let me just rattle off a few current weather stats from my home page:

    Its currently 12:35 CST…(the hottest part of our day is still about 3 hours away)
    The Humidity Level is at 45% and the Dew Point 70 degrees.
    The current temp is 93 F and the HEat Index translates that to feeling like 111 F.
    Without proper preperations and close monitoring of your body temp and exertion level while outside that level of Heat Index is potentially lethal and I don’r mean as in Lethal Leprechaun either! Lethal as in steamed until done in your own internal juices.

    So as you can see when I say I’ve lost my fear of hell because I’ve lived almost 13 years now in Texas I’m not joking becasue summer in Texas IS hell!

    • Ginny says:

      WOWSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • lethalleprechaun says:

        Exactly!
        Today the temp is higher as is the humidity but then so is the dew point so we get a little bit of a break on the Heat Index.
        However since the UV rating today is in the Extreme (higher than 10/10) that don’t help much.

        Tomorrow its supposed to be 97 w/ 60% humidity which will put our heat index at about 119 degrees PLUS the Extreme UV factor.

        Thats conditions where the sun will literally rip the hide off you and the heat index will steam it for you.

        People will be putting sunscreen on their left arms and hands before going out to their tinted window cars to drive any distance becasue you can actually get quite the sun burn in the car even through a long sleeve shirt- which nobody in their right mind is wearing of course! I carry a pair of oven mits in the car for touching the steering wheel when I get back in it (I’m quite fond of the skin on the palms of my hands and will remote start the car before leaving the store under these conditions.

        However since I’ll be all alone for most of this weekend too I’m not planning on steppping foot outside the house after 10 AM or before 8 PM and then only if absolutely neccessary.

      • Ginny says:

        Today is our hotest for this summer….more coming…won’t break any until after Tuesday.
        Same here…I’m not leaving my blessed central air. Heard from a neighbor, the couple that
        left Wyckoff for Katy Texas, is heading back. Not sure the reason….but I’m sure the flooding you guys had and those temps is a large part of it. Plus they have two Shiba Inus like my Bear….they
        have two coats so I’m sure it is affecting them too.

  2. Bob MINK says:

    I have seen in is a lot of homes and have lived in some that had it. growing up we never had running water. just a hand pump, pumping water thru lead pipes from the ground. I still have a short piece of that type of lead pipe.

    Words have no wings but they can fly thousands of miles.

    ________________________________

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      Alrighty then!
      I have NO idea what this comment was made in response too, but thanks for sharing and reading!

  3. Ginny says:

    Wow outstanding issue….loved it. Also your drink recipes will be the death of me along with your
    desserts. It was hot like hell in NJ…..can’t imagine what you feel like in Texas…….Keep cool…..

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