Dragon Laffs #1496


Header1478campers

Tuesday Morning – 0600 hrs.

“What do you mean, he isn’t in his office??!!  He has an issue to put out tomorrow and I need to get this report to him before he does!  All the local damn airports, helipads, air strips, and long section of grass that you might even think about putting an aircraft down on have been closed.  There isn’t anywhere he could have gone!” 

 

“No Terrance!” 

 

“I will come down there and shove my talons so far up your…”

Impish puts his head down on his desk as he listens on the phone. “Uh huh….uh huh…”  He begins to bang his head up and down on his desk.   

“The LES Whats-it?”

 

“Grace O’Malley?”

 

“And he sailed away?” 

 

“What about Molly, she wouldn’t let him….oh…she’s away, too.”

 

“Yes.  Yes, I’m quite sure he was laughing.”

 

“No.  Don’t bother.  I’m also quite sure that you and I are the only ones left in the entire mountain capable of conjugating a verb and getting change back from our dollar.”

 

“No!  I have no idea what the hell it was I just said!” 

 

“Dammit Terrance!  You are supposed to be helping me!”

 

Impish rests his forehead back on the desk and lets loose with a big sigh.

“Okay, first things first.  I get this FAA report finished and submitted to the FAA so that we can start using the helipad on the roof to take off and land.” 

 

“Then … What?” 

 

“No.” 

 

“I didn’t mean we as in you and me were going to fly.  I know trolls can’t fly.  I was just…. Oh for shit’s sake, Terrance!”

Impish begins to start banging his head softly on the desk top again.  Each word punctuated by a thump of his head.

“I’ll. Get. The. Report. Done. You. Find. Out. If. Any. One. Else. Is. Left.”

Lifting his head, he continues, “Like editing.  See if anyone is left in editing.  We’re going to need them by the end of the week.”

Impish wrinkles his nose as if he smells something and his eyes go wide and he stammers into the phone, “Oh Shit!  I forgot!  I smell cigar smoke!  Lock all the doors!  Lower all the portcullises!  Barricade all the doors!  Hell Boy is supposed to be coming to break my legs and chain me to the desk … and … and … “

Impish reaches under his desk and pushes a hidden button and huge steel doors come crashing down covering all the windows and doors.  Huge metal bars fall from the ceiling to lock into place across the steel doors and the hum of an electrified force field can be heard just loud enough to know that to touch any of the outer walls or doors would mean instant death to whomever touched it. 

Impish sits back in his desk chair with a deep sigh.  “It okay Terrance.  I got myself locked in before he got here.  He must be somewhere on campus.  See if you can find him on any of the monitors and I’ll at least know where to stay away from.” 

 

“Oh, you do see him on one of the monitors?” 

 

“Gosh, then I guess I got locked in here just in time.”

You hear the scratch of a match as a cigar is lit and a deep rumbly voice says, “No.  You didn’t.”

 

Wednesday Morning – 0500 hrs:

Impish is sitting behind the same locked, gated and electrified doors as he was yesterday, except today, in addition to everything else, he is covered in bruises and has a cast on his right leg. 

“Terrance?  Are the airports and such back open yet?”

 

“Yes, I finished the FAA report.”

 

“Yes, it was accepted, ‘Big Red’ is gone, isn’t he?”

 

“No, I don’t know where he went.”

 

“Yes, I suppose it is possible for him to still be here, somewhere.”

 

“No, I’m not worried.  This time, I know I got the doors barred before he got in here.”

You hear the scratch of a match as a cigar is lit and a deep rumbly voice says, “No.  You didn’t.”

 

Thursday Morning – 0400 hrs:

This morning, Impish has a cast on both legs, can see out of only one eye, and is, again, speaking on the phone.

“Yes, Terrance.”

 

“I read his post, Terrance.”

 

“It said 3 days, Terrance.”

 

“I don’t know if Molly knows about the other girl, Terrance.  Do you really think I bloody care at this point?”

 

“No, Terrance.  I have no idea where H.B. is.  All I know is last night, he patted me on top of my head, called me a good little dragon and called Chitty to come pick him up.”

 

“Yes, Terrance.  I do know that used to be my transportation.”

 

“Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I DID mention it to him…”

 

“What did he say?” 

 

“Do you notice how my left eye is swollen shut?” 

 

“Yeah, no.  I didn’t think you had any other questions.”

 

Friday Morning – 0300 hrs:

Impish is being pushed in a wheelchair down to his office by one of the editing dwarves.

He can’t find Terrance anywhere.  He felt like he had called every single office in the mountain and finally one of the dwarves picked up in editing and agreed, for several bags of gold, to come up to his room, help him into the chair and wheel him down to his office.  He had to give the dwarf the bag of gold before they started because the dwarf didn’t trust Impish to pay him after he was wheeled to his office.  The dwarf stopped pushing Impish in the middle of a hallway, about two levels away from his office and three levels away from his room. 

“Hey!  Why are we stopping here?”

 

“That’s not my office!  That’s a storage closet!”

 

“Hey!  What the hell do you …!”

Once the door was closed behind him, it was pitch black in the closet.  He could hear the dwarf laughing and skipping away up the hallway.  The bad part was that there was nothing he could do about it now or later since he couldn’t tell one dwarf from another. Impish fumbles in the dark with his cell phone and calls Terrance Troll, his “Administrative Assistant”.

“Terrance, I need you to come down to … what do you mean, you ‘aren’t at work’?  Where the hell are you…  WITH LETHAL!!!  HE HAD YOU HELIOCOPTERED OUT??!!”  But…wait… loosing signal!  That’s just you crumpling paper next to the phone!”

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hello?”

  In the dark behind you, you hear the scratch of a match and the closed flares brighter for a second as a cigar is lit and a deep rumbly voice says, “Need help?”

And that brings us up to present times.  I’m currently alone in the mountain…well, I hope Hell Boy is finally gone…and as you can tell, it’s been a really long week. 

It’s too early to tell if our warning from yesterday was overreaction or a good warning.  I guess by this afternoon, we’ll know.  We’ve gotten a few comments and I know you good, honest, hardworking campers are getting a little tired of this B.S., we all know that something has to be done, but do any of us know what that is?  I’m not sure.  But, there is one thing I AM sure of, it’s that we must NOT elect Hillary.  I think if we do, then it will all be a moot point after that.  We’ll lose any shred of freedom and it will be the beginning of the end.  I hope to God I’m wrong, but that’s what I feel.

Yesterday was the twenty first anniversary of my lovely wife Mary’s decent into madness and chaos when she said “I do!” I KNOW when she agreed to “…in sickness or in health, for richer or poorer …” she didn’t expect either of us to end up being as sick and as poor as it all turned out.   But you know, at the end of the day, I’m still together with my very best friend in the whole world and I love her with all my heart.  I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

Now, what do you say we get started on today’s issue and I’ll have to get to work around here.  Now that the airport bans have been lifted, I’m pretty sure that the entire rest of the staff have joined Terrance, joining Lethal, where ever he is.

Let's Laugh
We’re going to start out with something that was sent to me by our buddy
WheatsIt is unbelievable to me…and of course to Wheats, and, in his words, this is a testimony as to why the West is where it is today.

And the really incredible part is that when it’s explained to her, she still doesn’t get it.

AAAANNNNNDDDD…..if you continue on with more YouTube of Cindy, it gets worse…believe it or not.

2102

Phones nowadays are so expensive that when you fall and hear a crack sound, you pray it’s your leg.

2103

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying.

“I found out from the neighbors that you’ve been having an affair with that cheap secretary in your office! Why would you do that to me? Haven’t I always been a good wife? I’ve cooked for you, raised your children, and I’ve always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven’t I done to make you happy?

 
Embarrassed, Morris confesses, “It’s true, Sadie, you’ve been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don’t moan when we make love!”
 
Sadie questions: “If I moaned when we had sex, you’d stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan!”
 
So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, “Now, Morris, should I moan now?”
“No, not yet.”
 
Morris begins fondling Sadie. “What about now, Morris? Should I moan now?”
 
“No, I’ll tell you when!”
 
He climbs on top of Sadie and begins to have intercourse.
 
“Is it time for me to moan, Morris?”
 
Wait, I’ll tell you when.”
 
Moments later, in the heat of passion,  Morris yells “Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!
 
OY! OY!” Moans Sadie. “You wouldn’t BELIEVE what a day I’ve had!

2104

Dragon Pix

d2016051301

Now that’s a dream catcher worthy of a dragon.

2105

I might wake up early and go running.  I also might wake up and win the lottery.  The odds are about the same.

! BIRDBRAINS Drop-In Template.ai

I wonder why we are so obsessed with trying to find intelligent life on other planets when we can’t even find intelligent life here on Earth?

2107

Fantasy Pix

f2010070601

From our archives, this is a picture from an old training exercise.  You can tell because it’s in black and white and there’s no blood showing anywhere.

2108

TRUTH:
Walmart is closing 269 stores in 2016
Putting 14 cashiers out of work.

2109

Paul K-9 may be getting a little on in age.  I received this text from him the other day:
My boss said, “Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.  What should I do now?
My advice to him was to remind his boss that you were only following his instructions.  I’m sure that will work out just fine.

2110

With everything going on in the world right now, I’m finding it really hard to laugh and smile, so maybe I can purge some of that feeling with this next section:
Politics

4

Okay, so that is true…and not really helping me get happy…let’s try another:

4a

Damn….that’s too true too.  This isn’t really working out the way that I had hoped…well, let’s keep going and seeing where this takes us:

4w

Okay, that’s more like it.  That’s funny AND true!

4x

One of the BEST explanations of Socialism I’ve ever heard.

Thanks to Jeannie for this one.  It’s perfect.

4y

And that’s just plain funny.

4z

And THAT one was the best.  Okay, I feel good enough to move on now.

2111

If your cup is only half full, you probably need a different bra.

2112

Some things are better left unsaid.
Which I generally realize right after I’ve said them.

2113

critter

Here’s a section we haven’t run for a while…
a46

That’s about the same reaction I’d expect from my dog.  Except, she wouldn’t be asleep.  She’d be jumping up and down and offering to help carry out the TV.

a47

I’ve done that before.  He looks a lot better afterward then I usually do.

a48

Must be a Ninja Kitty in training.

a49

a50

 

2114

I LOVE this one:
I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 4.

2115

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.

Don’t you worry,
I’ll be there too,
Not in the cage,
But laughing at you!

 

2116

 

stupid

A wiser man than me once said, “Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.” ~ Robert A. Heinlein, Time Enough For Love
5j

Um…Catch?

5k

“Tap! Tap! Tap! Thump!”

5l

Holy cow, my safety inspector would pass out right on the spot!

5m

You know, in all honesty, today was a day here that I would have found this perfectly acceptable.  It was ridiculously hot!

5n

Stupid?  or….Ingenious?

5o

Oh!  And what the hell is the guy on the left supposed to do if the ladder slips?
And that’s it for this section campers.  I hope you enjoyed them.

2117

Yesterday I did nothing…
and today, I’m finishing what I started.

2118

11

2119

motivational

I really love this section and I think I know why…because you take an ordinary picture and put a twisted caption to it.  The idea being to make someone laugh, cry, think or consider.  It emotes a response.
Great Personality

I’m almost positive that “personality” is singular.

Like Father

If you’ve never had kids, you probably don’t get this to its fullest intent.

Lime Green

Someone needs to be slapped for that!

Lime

Limitations

2120

So, truth in advertising, I really don’t care for this guy, but this is really an awesome illusion.

 

 

2121

 

Here’s a great joke sent in by K2.

A man was conducting an All Service member briefing one day, and he posed the question: “What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?”
A Sailor said, “I’d step on it.”
A Soldier said, “I’d hit it with my boot.”
A Marine said, “I’d catch it, break the stinger off, and eat it.”

An Airman said, “I’d call room service and find out why there’s a tent in my room.”

 Yeah, yeah, laugh at the Air Force guys….but we’re still the ones with air conditioning.

7

Boy, ain’t that the truth. 

last word

I have this really great article about how Hillary fired one of her ambassadors for doing the exact same thing that the FBI said she shouldn’t be fired for because they could find no evidence that she knew she was breaking the law.  Here’s the article:

Hillary Clinton beats the rap while condemning others to face it
By Monica Crowley (bio)

As he methodically laid out the case against Hillary Clinton for her use of a private, unsecure server and email accounts to carry out all of her official government business as secretary of state before declining to recommend criminal charges, FBIDirector James B. Comey left out one major piece of evidence. It’s the one piece of the puzzle that truly nails her, since it demonstrates consciousness of guilt.

She fired an ambassador serving under her for doing eerily similar, but far less damaging, things.

And here’s the link to finish reading it. http://politicalmavens.com/index.php/2016/07/15/hillary-clinton-beats-the-rap-while-condemning-others-to-face-it/

But the truth of the matter is that I’m so angry and so incredulous about what’s going on right now over this whole Hillary bullshit, that I don’t want to talk about it right now.  I want to go out on my back deck with a cold drink, a funny book and a cigar and enjoy this time. 

So, If you will excuse me, I remain: Impish full size

 

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6 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1496

  1. lethalleprechaun says:

    Impish-

    Sorry but Ol’ Terrance fed you a line. He’s not here with me, I cannot be reached by chopper from any mainland and I’m sure as hell not loaning him Shamrock One…not that it can land here..yet..

    In fact that is why I chose these islands…plenty of time to see anyone uninvited coming and sink or shoot them down.

    • impishdragon says:

      Then where the hell….. Hell Boy. I’ll bet he went with Hell Boy.

      • lethalleprechaun says:

        Well I DID overhear something between Terrance and Friday where he mentioned getting some assertiveness training for dealing with you from a renound expert in the field.
        At the time I took ‘in the field’ to mean the field of being assertive, but its possible he meant it literally.

      • impishdragon says:

        So you think maybe Hell Boy is teaching Terrance to be more assertive with me? Hmmm. Not sure I like the idea of that. I think I’ll head down to the communications center and activate the tracer we have in Terrance and see exactly where he is.
        Except…
        There’s nobody here but me…
        And I have no idea how to activate anything down there. I’m not sure I can even make a phone call.
        Dammit!!
        Which reminds me…did you know that the wifi, cell phone, cable and every other kind of communications to the mountain has been cut off? All except for this blog. So I can continue to publish, I guess.
        That’s pretty lousy.
        Sigh….

  2. Leah D says:

    Hey, there is another way to look at Hillary not getting a sentence. If she had, then Obama would give her a pardon. As it is, maybe, just maybe, after he is out of office, she will get her due!

  3. Ginny says:

    This was jammed packed with fun stuff and much needed by all of us after all the BAD shit lately
    in the world’s news.
    So how was Pence as your governor? From what I heard he seems like a great pick. I would have been upset if he had picked Christie, a real horse’s ass. Have a great weekend and Happy 21st Annivery!

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