If a picture is worth a thousand words then the opening banner amply describes my state of mind and physical being right now. I have 10 day more of work insanity (COME ON TAX DAY!) before things start to wind down to dribs and drabs by May Day.

My personal life continues to be turmoil and illness derived largely from the turmoil. I’m starting to wonder about introducing a bill for Lawyer Hunting Season and the chances it would have of passing.

OK I’m off for for my morning doses of Mylanta, Excedrin, Allergy meds and IV infusion of patience. Enjoy the issue.

Actually Juan Valdez is scared near to death, I’m down to only four (14oz) cups a day.

The army recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They went through many retirement plans but nothing seemed to please everyone.

In the end, desperate, they promised any general who retired immediately his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general’s body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet.

He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine General, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: “From the tip of my penis to my testicles.”

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine general insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he’d better get the medical officer to do the measuring. 

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop ’em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general’s penis and began to work back. “My God man!” he said, “where are your testicles??”

“Vietnam,” smiled the general

Year well since I kind of messed with Jersey last week I figured I’d better give Texas equal play this week before the P.C. Police accuse me of being Jersey intolerant or something.

Lets start out with a quick refresher of where Texas is on the map and it’s size relative to the other states.

Here’s one showing how we see the rest of the USA according to Texans

We Texans like to brag about our hot weather:

We do so love the Second Amendment and displaying our support of it

We’re afraid of nothing (well ok Cat 5 Hurricane’s do make us sweat a might) and don’t shy away from any challenge.

Texas has enough crude oil reserves to fill up almost 1459 Empire State Buildings.

Texas has 9.614 billion barrels of crude oil reserves, which is 403.788 billion gallons. This is 31.5% of the U.S.’ reserves.

The Empire State Building’s volume is 37 million cubic feet, which is 276,779,000 gallons.

If Texas were its own country, it would have the 13th highest GDP in the World.
Texas’ gross domestic product is $1.43 trillion.

It has a larger GDP than Spain (13th with $1.34 trillion), South Korea (14th with $1.304 trillion), and Mexico (15th with $1.26 trillion).

Even crazier, Texas’ GDP is 2/3 of Russia’s GDP (8th with $2.096 trillion).

There are enough registered machine guns in Texas to arm every undergraduate enrolled at UCLA.

There are 28,690 registered machine guns in Texas. (Four of those are mine)

There were 28,674 enrolled undergraduates at UCLA in the Fall 2013 semester.

Since 1963, 33% of U.S. presidents have been from Texas.

There have been 43 U.S. presidents. Three of them — Lyndon B. Johnson, George Bush, George W. Bush — hail from Texas.

Texas’ largest wind farm is about 4.5 times the size of Manhattan.

Texas is considered to be the leader in wind energy in the U.S. — Roscoe Wind Farm. It has a 781-megawatt capacity and it can power 230,000 homes.

Texas’ total area is twice the size of Germany.

Texas is the second largest state in the United States with an area of 268,820 square miles. This is 7.4% of the total U.S.

Germany’s area is 137,847 square miles.

There are 1.65 million undocumented immigrants in Texas. That’s more than the entire population of Philadelphia.

People living in Texas illegally make up 6.7% of the population, and 9% of the workforce.

The population of Philadelphia is 1,553,165. It is the fifth most populated city in the U.S.

The King Ranch in Texas is bigger than the entire state of Rhode Island.

The King Ranch, “the birthplace of Texas ranching,” is 825,000 acres, which is 1289.06 square miles.

Rhode Island is 1,212 square miles.

The oldest tree in Texas existed about 500 years before the First Crusade.

The oldest tree in Texas is estimated to be 1,500 years old — although some believe it might be even as old as 2,000.

The First Crusade happened in 1096.

How do we cope with haters? Simple we just  find everyday views like these in mid January and smile while we sip sweet tea.

Apply logic like this to haters comments:

This is our multi million dollar pool in January. What’s yours look like? Hockey rink?

Finally if that doesn’t do it we always have the ultimate threat:

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you

You’ll never see a song like this get airplay as long as the P.C. Police are in charge here in the US. We might hurt some poor Muslims feelings while setting them straight.

“his-butt” tahrir are an extreme radical Islamic political group.
This pack of mutts should be outlawed here, as they are in many other countries as way too radical, and in teaching and promoting civil unrest and violence as a means to their goal of ultimate rule of the globe as an Islamic run caliphate, with all the attendant shit that goes with this evil cult.

Psychiatrist vs. Bartender

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him: “I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I’ll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?” He asked.

“Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.”

It’s always better to get a second opinion.

What can I say? They’re poor eating, stink to high heaven and have temperaments worse than feral hogs. On the bright side the license is free, they are easy to hunt, fun to shoot and some of them you can even collect a bounty on.