Dragon Laffs #1481


Header1478

Good Morning Campers,

Been a pretty uneventful week this week, with two exceptions.  The first, is that I will be out of town next week.  I am going to a special conference in Kansas.  Yeah, that’s right, Kansas.  Maybe I’ll get to see a real live tornado!  That would be so cool. 

It’s something that’s been on my bucket list for many years…to take a picture of a tornado up close.  Not TOO up close, but just enough up close.

The second thing that happened this week is that I had an ingrown toenail removed.  The doctor actually just cut straight down my nail and yanked the one side right out.  And since this was the second time in less than a year that the same nail developed the same problem, he put acid in my toe to kill the root so that part of the nail would never grow back. 

And do I have a special treat for all you campers out there….I filmed the removal of the nail.  Takes less than a minute, can you believe that?  Now, I will warn you, it is a teensy bit gross, so if blood and that sort of stuff bothers you, then I would suggest you not watch, but if you have even a slightly tough stomach, you should be just fine.

And yes, I put it to music…so here now, is:

Pretty cool, right? 

I think using modern technology to record ordinary things is a great use of the stuff.  I have a video of the doctor removing the staples from my knee after my knee replacement surgery.  So, maybe I’m weird, but I think it’s pretty cool.

You know what else is cool?

Dragon Laffs.

So, let’s get started.

Let's Laugh

 

1874

You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?”
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.
Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane… Only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”

1875

President Obama walked into the bank to cash a check. As he approached
The cashier he said, “Good morning Ma’am, could you please cash

​ t

his check for me?

Cashier:

“It would be my pleasure sir. Would you please show me your ID?”

Obama:

​ ​

“Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any

​n​

eed to. I am Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA”

Cashier:

“Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring

o​

f the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd-Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing your ID.

Obama:

“Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you.
Everybody knows who I am.”

Cashier:

​ ​

“I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow
them.”

Obama:

“I order you to cash this check!”

Cashier:

“Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger

​ ​

Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.

Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis
racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup.  With that shot we cashed his check.  So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?”

Obama:

Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, “Honestly, I can’t think of a single thing. I don’t have a clue what to do.”

Cashier:

“Will that be large bills or small bills, Mr. President?

 

1876

I always carry a little crazy with me, cause you never know when it’s going to come in handy.

1877

I have reached a point in my life where my mind says, “I can do that.” and my body says, “Try it and die, fat boy.”

How many of these 34 do you recognize? Surprisingly, at least to me, I only got half of them at 17.  The good part is that I just added 17 more books to my “To Read” list.

6a

Dragon Pix

Snow globe blue

I saw this on the desk of one of our secretaries.  When I asked her where she got it from, she said, “Right in the DL & LL Gift Shop right off the lobby.”

I thanked her and left, but wanted to ask her two more questions.  One would have been, “We have a Gift Shop?” and the second one would have been, “We have a Lobby?”

1878

1.   I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.  Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.
 
2.   After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realized he had made it home safely.
 
3.   Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40. 
 
4.   A teenage boy asks his granny: “Have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD?”  Granny replies:“ The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?”  
 
5.   Wife gets naked and asks hubby: “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?”  Hubby looks her up and down and replies: “Your sense of humor!”   (Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00.)
 
6.   A chap’s wife’s back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part.(His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30. )
 
7.   I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
 
8 .   I woke up this morning at 9:00 , and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!  I panicked.  I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 10:30.
 
9 .   My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!”  I replied: “Oh, so now you want me to stay!” 
 
10.  Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week.  When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
 
11 .   The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with.  I told her: “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!” (The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month. )

 

1879

 

Fantasy

f2010042501

A  candid shot from our last year’s white water canoeing trip down the river Styx.

1880

Although it’s a dinosaur, the sentiment is the same with a picture of a dragon…and besides…dinosaurs haven’t been around for a LONG time!

This next one comes from our dear friend and fellow camper, Karl K., aka K².

*Trump’s Special Qualifications For Being President*

——————————
Let’s check out Trump’s presidential qualifications
  • Obama is against Trump
  • The Media is against Trump
  • The establishment Democrats are against Trump
  • The establishment Republicans are against Trump
  • The Pope is against Trump
  • The UN is against Trump
  • The EU is against Trump
  • China is against Trump
  • Mexico is against Trump
  • Soros is against Trump
  • Black Lives Matter is against Trump
  • MoveOn.org is against Trump
  • Koch Bro’s are against Trump
  • Hateful, racist, violent Liberals are against Trump
Bonus points
  • Cher says she will leave the country
  • Miley Cyrus says she will leave the country
  • Whoopi says she will leave the country
  • Rosie says she will leave the country
  • Al Sharpton says he will leave the country
  • Gov. Brown says California will build a wall
Sounds like the kinda president the US needs!!! Go Trump!

 

1881

Pestering Politicians

This is from my Dad…Papa Dragon Most Senior…and is a great way to open our segment on Pestering Politicians.
As a Senior Voting Adult, here is my list of demands for any candidate running for the chair at the head of the table.

HERE IS WHAT WE WANT..
1.  Hillary: held accountable for her previous wrongs!
2. Put “GOD” back in America !!!
3. Borders: Closed or tightly guarded!
4. Congress: On the same retirement & healthcare plans as everybody else .
5. Congress: Obey its own laws NOW!
6. Language: English only!
7. Culture: Constitution and the Bill of Rights!
8. Drug Free: Mandatory Drug Screening before & during Welfare!
9. Freebies:  NONE to Non-Citizens!
10. Budget: Balance the damn thing!
11. Foreign Countries: Stop giving them our money! Charge them for our help! We need it here.
12. Fix the TAX CODE!
And most of all.
13. “RESPECT OUR MILITARY AND OUR FLAG!!”1

Pretty much everyone of those demands (and “demands” is the correct and proper word.  Just like your boss makes demands upon you at work, so the politicians need to remember that they work for US!) we’ve discussed in Dragon Laffs or Leprechaun Laffs or both.

4

4a

My Gawd!  Sounds just like real life!

4b

4c

It is very, very difficult to live in that glass house with that stone quarry right next door.

4d

Okay everyone smile and wave for the camera.

4e

And there it is.  The perfect finale.  I know that there is a special place in hell set aside and just waiting for her arrival.

1882

A cop with a drug sniffing dog says to me, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

I said, “I’m on drugs?  You’re the one talking to dogs.”

1883

PEOPLE ARE SO UNGRATEFUL! No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.

1884

Not a chance in hell!!

Men say that women should come with instructions…What’s the point of that?  Have you ever seen a man actually read the instructions?

1885

 

Movie Night

Truly remarkable!  The largest glacier calving ever caught on video!  The overwhelming size of this is impossible to imagine.

Who doesn’t like Family Feud?  No one.  So when we find clips of the funny spots we just have to share them.  This one is one of the best.

 

This one is hilarious!  I think my dog’s a democrat!

 

 

1886

Here’s one from Ginny Entitled “Getting Old is not for Sissies”

My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds.  Only 15 to go.
 
Ate salad for dinner!  Mostly croutons & tomatoes.  Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce.  And cheese.   FINE, it was a pizza.  I ate a pizza.
 
How to prepare Tofu:
1.  Throw it in the trash.
2.  Grill some Meat.
 
I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
 
I don’t mean to brag but……I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
 
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
 
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it.  When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
 
Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
 
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school?
Me neither.
 
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented….I forgot where I was going with this.
 
I love being over 60.   I learn something new every day…….and forget 5 others.
 
A thief broke into my house last night……He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
 
My dentist told me I need a crown.  I was like:  I KNOW !, Right?
 
I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
 
1887
There was a Mensa convention in San Francisco.
Mensa, as you probably know, is a national organization for
People who have an IQ of 140 or higher. Several of the Mensa members went out

for lunch at a local café.

When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
 
How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without
Spilling any, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds.
The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.
 
They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their  solution. “Ma’am,” they said, “we couldn’t help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker has pepper.”
 
But before they could finish, the waitress interrupted: ” Oh sorry about that.”  She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them. There was dead silence at the Mensa table.
 
Kind of reminds you of Washington D.C., doesn’t it?

1888

 

Critter

a21

a25

Yup, I too have days where the gravity is too high.

a26

a27

That looks pretty damn aggressive to me!

a28

The Wal-Mart chain is refusing to sell a book written by WWF superstar Mankind because the book contains a picture of a naked elf.
Everywhere, Wal-Mart shoppers are asking themselves the same question, “What’s a book?”    

1889

 

What is it that Lethal says? “We couldn’t make this shit up?”
News Flash

Flying saucer found smashed to bits in Roswell, suspect in custody

Authorities found a flying saucer smashed to pieces on the side of the road near Roswell, N.M.

No, this isn’t 1947, and the government isn’t likely to claim it was merely a weather balloon.

The craft cops found earlier this month was the remains of a decorative spaceship previously displayed at the International UFO Museum and Research Center. But three people had grabbed the disc-shaped spaceship on March 19, loaded it into the back of a pickup truck and took off.

Police, however, had surveillance tape of the theft and someone recognized the pickup truck used in the getaway, according to a Facebook post from the Roswell Police Department.

That led officers to arrest a 17-year-old boy in the case on Saturday. The teen was booked into the Chaves County Juvenile Detention Center. He has not given information about why he may have taken the spaceship.

Authorities are still seeking the other two suspects.

Jeannie (Gracie) sent me the above article with the subject line of Youngsters are really beginning to piss me off.  I agree. 

1890

Has anyone else noticed that the symbol ‘ & ‘ looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor?
Keep looking at it, you’ll see it.

1891

A  FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

   In  Florida , an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days.  He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

   The case was brought before a judge.  After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, “Case dismissed!”

   The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying, “Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case?  The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays…”

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “But you do. Your client is woefully ignorant.”

   The lawyer said,” Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists.”

   The judge said, “The calendar says April 1st is April Fool’s Day. Psalm 14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’  Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.

Court is adjourned…”

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

100

Wholeheartedly Agreed!!
Amen
applause

Motivational

epiphany

Jealousy

Jealousy2

Man, I hope not!  That’s awful!

Jean diapers

Jedi Master

Jedi Mind Tricks

Jedi Squirrels

101

I think the cat is a superhero…or a monster.  One or the other.

9

1892

9h

1893

Don’t we all know at least one person with this level of intelligence?  But, wait!  If you don’t know at least one person this dumb, then possibly it’s you!

 

9i

cheers

Impish Dragon

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14 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1481

  1. Dale says:

    Where in Kansas are you going? I was raised in Kansas…..but trust me, it is not fun to see a tornado, especially close or going right over you.

  2. Jeannie says:

    Hello Impish!
    Another fun filled issued!
    –I saw a tornado in Kansas waaay back in the ’70’s. It was so cool. It’s so flat there that you can see it coming from miles aways! It was a very rural area and the announcements on the radio after it hit was who’s crops were damaged.
    –No! I’m not watching the video of your foot! My son had that done years ago and I had to leave the room!
    –The generator toon. Come on people, admit it. How many of you go for the lightswitch when you enter a room WHEN YOU’VE LOST POWER?! hahaha
    Have a safe trip, Mr. Dragon!

  3. lethalleprechaun says:

    Just so we’re clear Impish-
    Personal Days &/or Sick Days DO NOT cover “Lethal? Listen I can’t come to work because the tornado I got too close to ate my fricken ass then pummeled me with half a town.”

  4. Ginny says:

    Are you out of your damn mind….you want to see a tornado close up? Do you think you can do a reverse Dorothy and click your heels to bring you back to Indiana?
    Nice toe surgery….and loved the music selection. Your issue made me smile, chuckle and actually laugh out loud.

    • impishdragon says:

      A couple of years ago there were a bunch of tornadoes that came through the Dallas/Ft. Worth area. Did a lot of damage. My co-worker and I were at the Ft. Worth multi-service base for a two week course at the same time. The storms came through in the later afternoon, after class was over because we were in the barracks. We had been watching the weather on TV and saw that the tornadoes were headed our way, so, being Emergency Management Specialists, we started getting things ready. We started moving the occupants of the building to the lower floor, things like that.
      Then the sirens went off.
      And true to our calling, we did what any other Emergency Manager would have done…
      We grabbed our cameras and ran to the top floor to try to get pictures of the tornadoes that were approaching.
      Sadly, none of them made it to our area that day – no closer than five miles away – so no picture.
      So yes, I am still chasing after that elusive tornado picture.

      • Ginny says:

        You say it’s just for a picture….well here you go…..
        https://www.google.com/search?tbm=isch&q=TORNADO
        You can’t leave us with Lethal if you get swept off your dragon claws. I tell you what, I’ll hold up an enlarged picture of one, and Paul will pour water on you…and fire up his leaf blower as it throws
        rocks and dirt at you.

      • impishdragon says:

        Those are some great pictures, but it’s not the same thing.

      • ginny says:

        Well instead of training people how to survive….apply for an opening in the professional storm chasers. They probably don’t have a dragon!

      • impishdragon says:

        That’s a GREAT idea! But, why not do both? Train people how to survive while chasing storms! Awesome! I’m calling them now. I’ll bet they didn’t even THINK of hiring a dragon before!

      • lethalleprechaun says:

        OH GREAT! JUST what we need a Dragon suddenly becoming scared crapless when it discovers the Tornado isn’t impressed with the fact its a dragon!
        Talk about an epic level of organic waste hitting the circular distributor!

      • Ginny says:

        Jerseyites….always thinking.

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